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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 467

Journal Archives

Shutdown Update: I Can't Top Nancy's Beaded Curtain Joke, But Here's a Blog Anyhow(Ferret/ShowerCap)

Hey hey, Shower Captives! Hope you enjoyed the holiday break. The down time was certainly appreciated, but now we're getting ready to seat a brand-spankin'-new Congress, we've got Ruth Bader Ginsburg back, and it's time to fuck some fascists’ shit up again, don'tcha think?

(As always, you can find this post, with all them nifty news links, at my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-update-i-cant-top-nancys-beaded-curtain-joke-but-heres-a-blog-anyhow/)

After the helpful idiots on the magical talking teevee box explained to him that General Mattis was in fact shitting all over him in his resignation letter, Tangerine Idi Amin decided the momentary thrill of an ego-driven tantrum was more important than the readiness of the United States Armed Forces, forcing Mattis out immediately rather than allowing him to stay on through an orderly transition. Don't worry though, the new Acting Defense Secretary doesn't have any military or diplomatic experience, so he'll fit right in!

Similarly stung by Brett McGurk's resignation, President Gas Station Urinal Cake attempted to diminish the respected, long-serving, diplomat by saying he didn't even know the guy. What he accomplished, however, was informing the world that the commander in chief isn't paying attention to his own ISIS envoy, cuz he's too busy watching cable news all goddamn day. You have to hand it to him, he really delivered an all-time great Xmas...to America's enemies. Between this and the Syria pullout, well, if there's a 34th Street in Moscow, they're celebrating a miracle on it this week.

A few outgoing Republican lawmakers miraculously found the courage to stand up to Hairpiece Himmler that they'd somehow been unable to locate while they actually held the power to check him. Drumpfy and Bob Corker got into one last slap fight, for old times’ sake. Carlos Curbelo just now noticed that “Things are not well in the USA,” bless his little heart. And Mark Sanford, on his way out the door back to the Appalachian Trail, warned of the potential for a “Hitler-like character” to rise in the future, ignoring the inconvenient detail that his own political party is currently led by wannabe dictator who opened concentration camps for children on American soil.

...I miss these guys already, don't you?

Steve Mnuchin tried to play Treasury Secretary, and it was almost kinda cute, like watching a small child toddle into an operating theater, dressed up in scrubs like doctor, but at a certain point you realize the kid is washing up and the nurse is handing him a scalpel and holy shit he's about to make an incision in your dad's torso, and suddenly it's not so cute anymore.

Yeah, ol’ Mnuchbag tried to calm markets right before Xmas, apparently by stumbling around, drenched with sweat, teeth audibly chattering, as he insisted there was no reason for anyone to panic, only nobody had been panicking, at least they weren't before the goddamn Treasury Secretary popped up out of nowhere to tell everybody to stop panicking. You know what I miss? COMPETENCE.

Shart Garfunkel is also making some grunty noises about wanting to fire the Fed Chair, because he thinks that will make the stock market go up, and yes, that sounds ridiculous until you remember this is a man who cannot figure out how an umbrella closes.

Hell, the doddering old bastard somehow managed to bungle something as simple as an Xmas call to a child, jabbering on about how only cucks believe in Santa or something. It's truly amazing how he botches the simplest tasks. He's like a machine that fucks things up. If you gave him a jar of mayonnaise to open, he'd just smash it on his own groin till it shattered.

Another migrant child died in US custody, because we're currently governed by hateful monsters who don't value human life. Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, of course, never passes up an opportunity to reveal the jagged, pus-oozing, depths of her malevolent soul, issued a vile statement dripping with so much unapologetic evil, you'd think it was over the top if you encountered it as, say, dialogue from a Disney villain.

The Failing New York Times tracked down the children of the doctor who gave President Valor Thief his bullshit “bone spurs” draft-dodging diagnosis back in the day, saying it was done as a favor to Orange Julius Caesar's dad, who was the doctor's landlord. There's always a Ronny Jackson around someplace, if you just know where to look for one*.

Seems Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker fabricated some academic accomplishments on government forms to make it seem like he's actually qualified to be Acting Attorney General of the Whole Dang United States instead of what he is, a cud-brained grifter who got his job by kissing the Velveeta Vulgarian's ass on television. Me, I think we need to test the whole fuckin’ résumé. I doubt he can really do a French accent like it says. And the bit about juggling on a unicycle? Let's just say I'm skeptical. Oh, and of course he should be fired for this, immediately, but everyone knows there are no rules here in Shitty Wonderland.

Carter Page ate a bath salts sandwich and filed a crazed, spittle-drenched, motion in his defamation lawsuit against the DNC, in which he is representing himself, because of course he is. Y'know, I really hope when the films of this shitshow get made, Carter's antics don't wind up on the cutting room floor; it would be a really nice role for some showy, self-indulgent, stage actor. Imagine a young Gary Oldman type, ranting like a maniac, wearing a series of increasingly comical hats.

And now McClatchy says Michael Cohen, or one of his phones anyway, appears to have been near Prague at the time the Steel Dossier claims he was meeting with th'Russians there. Says who? Says phone and surveillance data, that's who. Apparently. Cohen still denies ever being anywhere near Prague, and he seems like a nice, honest, boy, doesn't he?

Well, it only took two years of near-constant shaming, but the Bonespur Buttplug finally visited the troops overseas! MAGA nation, desperate for the slightest whiff of an accomplishment from their Turd Emperor, celebrated the temporary quieting of a single criticism as though Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops had won the Super Bowl and colonized Mars, all in the same weekend.

Now, did Fat Q*Bert still find a way to fuck up a brief ceremonial visit? No, of course not. Come on, you know better than that. He found NUMEROUS ways to fuck up a brief ceremonial visit. He whinged about the dangerous flight into Iraq, on a plane without one single gold toilet. He unethically and possibly illegally used the troops as campaign props, passing around his shitty, made-in-China ballcaps. Naturally, he lied a whole fucking bunch, bragging about a massive raise he didn't give the troops, and also claiming he invented bullets and shore leave. He was so anxious to get back home for TV and golf that he didn't meet with any Iraqi leaders, prompting calls to kick our troops out of the whole country. Oh, and he revealed the location and identities of U.S. Navy Seal Team 5, on fucking Twitter, just CUZ.

HOW DID HE FUCK SO MANY THINGS UP?!?!? HE WAS ONLY THERE FOR THREE HOURS!

Back home, we're all enjoying Baron Golfin von Fatfuk's petulant government shutdown, of course. No votes are expected this week. Paul Ryan's all, “What the fuck do you want from me? I couldn't solve problems before the lame-duck senioritis set in, I just want to get back to Wisconsin and hunt the homeless for sport.”

But while hundreds of thousands of government employees are working without getting paid this holiday season, you'll be pleased to learn that Princess Ivanka and her pet Jar-Jar aren't letting the peasants’ distress interfere with their holiday travel plans! Even better, there's still money for tents to shove the Secret Service under while they protect President Crotchvoid and his mega-rich friends down at Marm-a-Lago during the winter party season. Surely this news will warm many a furloughed heart.

Don't worry though, the Treasonweasel Administration has helpfully suggested that all of the workers they're fucking over for the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants can just do odd jobs for their landlords in exchange for rent. That's a real thing that happened in the real world.

Anyway, the Shart of the Deal's grand strategy seems to mostly involve waiting for Democrats to take over the House while peevishly demanding a policy overwhelmingly opposed by a clear majority of his constituents. Starting to think maybe rather than being some sort of master negotiator, this guy is a blithering clod who only has fantastically wealthy parents to thank for the fact that he even survived childhood.

He understands Mueller's still gonna keep on working, right? Maybe he doesn't, since he's using the shutdown to postpone the day of reckoning in the emoluments lawsuit, which has now been postponed since he's using DoJ attorneys, paid for with your tax dollars and mine, to fight for his right to keep giant garbage bags labeled “BRIBES GO HERE” in the lobby of his D.C. hotel.

Anyway, kudos go out to Nancy Pelosi, who has opened a new satellite office directly under Wee Don's skin by pointing out that he's negotiated himself down from a concrete wall Mexico pays for to a “beaded curtain,” which he will still not get financed by Congress. We're in good hands ‘till the next party leader emerges from the primaries.

So many new phrases have entered our day-to-day vocabulary during this shitshow. “Emoluments clause.” “Unindicted co-conspirator.” "Marmalade Shartcannon." Court filings today introduced a disturbing new phrase sure to be bandied about in hushed whispers the world over...”NUDE SELFIE.” My god, there are so many people in this story who I desperately hope are not in that photograph. None of them would be ok, unless it was Mike Pence, and he was still in tighty-whities and a hairshirt, but he considers that “nudity.”

Anyway, that's all I got, folks. I hate to leave you with such a potentially unsettling image. Have yourself a Toblerone, you'll feel better.

*Dumpsters, mainly.

Shutdown Fever, or, The Slats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Forgive me for running behind this week, Shower Captives, I was busy trying to craft anatomically-correct gingerbread MEN, the way God intended, you feminazis! Pleased to report I have perfected my recipe, so you can expect my scrumptious, patriarchy-reinforcing Genderbread Cookies in stores by spring.

(As you are surely aware by now, this post can be found, with all those helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/shutdown-fever-or-the-slats-in-the-cradle-and-the-silver-spoon/)

I suppose you heartless bastards have been celebrating the court-ordered dissolution of the Shart Foundation? During the holidays? Shame on you! Think of all the poor, unfortunate, tacky paintings of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops that will now go unpurchased! Are you unmoved at the parting of a man and his dishonestly-acquired autographed Tim Tebow helmet? Truly, you have become the monsters you once fought.

So, you'll recall that Mike Flynn tried spreading a bunch of bullshit conspiracy theories to make it seem like there was this massive, sinister, Deep Dish State plot to make Mike Flynn commit crimez and get caught and prosecuted and forced to plead guilty against his will, because he needs MAGA nation to go on believing he's a hero and a martyr rather than an informant who sold out his partners, if he wants that sweet grifter cash spigot to keep on flowin'. Regrettably for Turkey's favorite National Security Advisor, the federal judge in charge of Mike's sentencing dragged him all up and down the courtroom, forcing him to debunk his own bullshit, point by point. And he still might go to jail. Heh.

Well, Jon Kyl decided he only wanted to return to the Senate long enough to install a drunken pervert on the Supreme Court, so he's ready to go home now. And Arizona Governor Doug Ducey could think of no better replacement to fill out the next two years of John McCain's term than the one person in the whole state who was just rejected by voters, Martha McSally.

Baffling. Well, as a great man once said, “Please proceed, Governor.” If you're that eager to facilitate the flipping of both of your state's Senate seats from red to blue in just two short years, I am 100% down for it.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag popped up just long enough to say, “Oh yeah, that 10% middle-class tax cut Shart Garfunkel promised? That was just a frantic and totally empty promise made out of desperation at the thought of Adam Schiff wielding the House Intelligence Committee gavel. He never meant it,” and America just collectively gave him the Wonka meme look because like, DUH, Steve.

Speaking of the cabal of cheap grifters that make up the cabinet, Wilbur Ross got caught breaking divestment rules and lying on ethics forms again which of course will lead to absolutely zero consequences and I find myself looking back on those bygone days when stuff like this mattered at least a little with such nostalgia that Daniel Stern is narrating my thoughts.

I tell you what, Kirstjen Nielsen is so casually, unapologetically, evil, when she sits down for these congressional hearings, you expect to catch her to just offhandedly snacking on a bowl of newborn kittens. Secretary Nielsen is madder than a wet hen* that people keep calling her a liar JUST because she lies all the fucking time, but somehow doesn't seem all that upset about her department throwing children into cages, even when said children die in torment.

Fuck, Kirstjen can't even be bothered to keep track of all the pesky kids dying in her concentration camps! When asked if she knew how many human beings had lost their lives while in her department's custody, she sneered, “Don't know, don't care, brah,” kicking her feet up on the desk while biting the head off another kitten.

One last thing on Nielsen, her testimony has drawn calls of concern from health experts all over the world, who warn that, considering her proximity to the President and her sudden, alarming decline in linguistic ability during the hearing, “stupid” may indeed be contagious. Watching this once-competent official blurt “we need wall” like some sort of pre-school Incredible Hulk is concerning, to put it mildly.

Jesus, the wall. Because Dunning-Krueger is a painfully real thing, Donnie Dotard now believes he's stumbled onto the genius branding solution to all his troubles; he'll just say “steel slats” instead of “wall,” and the world will beat a path to his tacky, gold-plated, door. Maybe if you'd only said “we need slats,” Kirstjen, nobody would care how many gallons of blood were on your hands.

Of course now, the frothier loons of Cult45 are cutting into their monthly Sudafed budgets to crowdfund the wall themselves! I tell you what, folks, that wall will be nigh-fuckin'-impenetrable if these jackasses use their brains as bricks. God only knows how much money these doorknobs will have pledged by the time you read this, but like the Spaaaaaace Fooooooorce budget, it's a number that will be sickeningly high while simultaneously remaining laughably inadequate.

And I have to ask myself why I spend my time on my lil’ poo joke blog when I should be figuring out how to grift some of the apparently-readily-available cash from the dumbest, most zealous, rubes God ever made. And yes, the dude running the GoFundMe is a known conman, as if you had to ask.

I will always be fair n’ balanced, (in addition to being drunk) and will happily report on any positive accomplishments by this Clown Car Full of Rectums we call an administration. So nice work banning bump stocks, kids, it's the one non-horrific thing you did in 2018. Hillary would've gotten it done months ago, of course, but congrats on only being a 99.99-foot-high pile of sun-baked shit on this one issue.

No points, however, for finally, after months of senseless bureaucratic shenanigans, allowing a Yemeni mother to circumvent the racist travel ban to be at her dying child's side. Well, nobody's any safer, but at least we're bringing the full force of the American government down on a grieving family during the worst time of their lives, right?

I assume y’all are having as much fun as I am with this Bob Mueller's Mystery Subpoena subplot. Yes, ninja lawyers, meeting before an Illuminati tribunal in the Chamber of Secrets are battling to subpoena some sort of unknown data from an enigmatic corporation owned by an unrevealed country that could be Russia or Papua New Guinea or Chad for all we know. What does any of this mean? Fuck if I know, but I think the butler did it.

A little while back, Rudy Giuliani swore up and down that the Individual Wonder never signed a “letter of intent” to build one of his shitty hotels in Moscow, but of course the signed letter surfaced more or less immediately, but don't worry, Rudy will still be invited onto every news program in the country to puke up similarly dishonest spin until the fucking sun goes out. More like GiuLIEani, right? RIGHT? GET IT?!?!

The very same people who urged boycotts of the NFL over black athletes kneeling, and can barely contain their glee at ending Colin Kaepernick's football career have some thoughts on the boycotts targeting Putty-Faced White Nationalist Tucker Carlson's Sneering Hate Variety Sho, and you may be surprised to learn that they aren't being quite ethically consistent.

Let's be real honest here, folks...conservatives hate liberal boycotts so much because ours work and theirs fail, full stop.

In a clear sign of strength and confidence, the Republican Party in South Carolina is looking at doing away with that whole silly “Presidential primary” thing in 2020, such is the universal adoration of Dear Leader. I figure if you boys just pass a law that says you can't run if your name is Kasich, you'll probably be fine.

Well, I guess Vlad Putin got worried Wee Don would get thrown in jail before Russia got its money's worth out of their investment, so he called up the Oval Office and said “Little Man. You will pull your troops out of Syria, or we will repossess Melania. Do it now,” and being an obedient servant, that's what Donnie did. He may even make Employee of the Month for this.

That he did this without consulting any of our allies, or even his own military, is...not bangarang, friends. It is decidedly un-bangarang, in fact.

The Kurds have been among our closest allies in the region for decades, and the American President abandoned them, on the very field of battle, to be slaughtered, in a desperate attempt, which won't even work, to boost his approval numbers half a point or so, and these people will never trust us again. Will anyone ever trust us again, knowing we're never more than four years away from potentially making another malignant talking toe our commander in chief?

And suddenly all the bloodthirstiest GOP hawks in Congress are freaking out at the reckless impulsiveness of the decision, and you sort of want to tie Lindsey Graham to a chair, and read Frankenstein to him, out loud, very slowly, perhaps in a southern accent.

So, DoJ ethics officials concluded that Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker should recuse himself from the Mueller investigation because of his previous statements and also because he's a blistering idiot who doesn't understand most three-syllable words, but Matty hired some advisors to tell him that ethics are for cucks so he certainly doesn't have to listen to any dumb ol’ ethics officials, so there will be no recusal, and I just hope the Special Counsel's office starts speaking Pig Latin whenever Matty walks in for an update.

Now a memo by AG nominee William Barr has turned up, demonstrating that he'll have to recuse for the same reason, but I suppose that's the zany catch-22 of the situation; Weehands McNodick could not give less of a fuck about any of the duties or responsibilities of the Attorney General's office, he just wants a loyalist to protect him...if he won't factor in any other qualifications in making his appointment, one stooge is as good as the next, I suppose.

(Meanwhile Whitaker seems to have transformed into the new Jeff Sessions so quickly, Boss Turdworm will have him wearing fake ears by next week.)

Fun little story here about officials in the Treasury Department using a non-secure back channel to communicate with the Russian government as they sought financial dirt on their enemies. That seems like kind of a big deal to me, but because the room is on fire and somebody keeps throwing hatchets and badgers at us through the window, nobody seems to be paying too much attention to this one. Shrug.

The House Intelligence Committee voted unanimously to send Rockin’ Roger Stone's testimony over the Mueller offices so the Bobadook can scan it for lies n’ treason n’ stuff, because Rog just inspires that kind of bipartisan loyalty. Meanwhile this clown is padding his legal fund by selling signed rocks, telling his softheaded followers that they're literally exact replicas of the stone from the David/Goliath incident. I have GOT to get in on rube-bilking market, folks!

Before he slithers away to golf for two weeks at the club he bought with daddy's money, the Bonespur Buttplug figured America would get significantly greater if it only had a whole lot more hungry people, so he's trying to crack down on food stamp recipients again. It's all about “the dignity of work,” says festering loaf who doesn't show up to work ‘till noon and skims from the treasury by charging the Secret Service for the luxury of pissing while they risk their lives to protect his.

Much as it pains me, I have to give credit where credit is due, so big congrats to the Velveeta Vulgarian for overseeing record growth in the stock mark...oh hang on, I was looking at the chart upside down. Holy shit, Shart-O, you're really fuckin’ everything up, aren'tcha? Big fat nut punches to the Dow all week long as you fuck around with shit you don't understand, leading to the worst year since the financial crisis? I know you hear this a lot, but you are in fact, out of your element, Donnie.

As the world burned to cinder because of his blundering, the Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet perceptively noted that everyone was looking to America for some sign of stability, and therefore he tweeted out an old video of himself bellowing the Green Acres theme song off key like a dairy cow that got into the moonshine still. I keep telling you we live in Hell, but do believe me, NOOOOOOOOOOO.

North Korea picked Fat Q*Bert’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, week to shit on him a little more, returning to their usual stance of blathering belligerence, as though there had never been a big fancy peace summit at all, let alone one with special shiny challenge coins. And in the midst of this entirely predictable, if still potentially dangerous development you know the old fart views the situation solely as a massive conspiracy to deny him the Nobel Peace Prize.

Yeah, it's hard out there for a Walking Sack of Monkey Shit. But take heart, Littlefinger! While you may be failing at every aspect of your job, at least you're inspiring America's youth...to dress up in Klan hoods and spread hatred in your name! Fuck this taintfungus forever for all he's done to our beautiful country.

Sneaking around below the radar in this Category Six Billion Shitstorm, some jackass you've never heard of, Zach Fuentes, who has been John Kelly's Deputy Manbabysitter, has apparently been plotting to hang around on the taxpayer-funded payroll doing nothing in particular until his pension kicks in. Quite the culture they've built in the Shart House, eh? One of these days we're gonna find out some intern smuggled the original Declaration of Independence out under their sweater, and we'll say, “sounds about right.”

And Jim Mattis is stepping down as Secretary of Defense, which sounds like really terrible news, but honestly, we were all gonna die sooner or later anyhow.

The man known as Mad Dog, who has lately been Dog With the Patience of a Goddamn Saint, appears to have reached his breaking point when Orange Julius Caesar's Syria order directly betrayed everything the general has ever stood for and curb-stomped America's credibility.

Mattis wrote a resignation letter that conspicuously didn't say one nice thing about the President, not even thanking him for the opportunity to serve, which is Washington diplo-speak for “Get me away from this mush-brained traitor before I shit straight down his throat, I've spent two motherfucking years with all ten fingers and all ten toes plugging leaks in the dam and I'm goddamn tired and if anybody needs me, I'll be going door to door, crotch-punting every single moron who voted for this dolt.”

Many Americans are quite understandably concerned, even frightened, even piss-our-pants terrified that the last adult in the room is gone, to be replaced no doubt by some misshapen beast cloned from Tom Cotton's bedside spoo rag with the missing DNA gaps filled in with genetic material drawn from a Big Mac.

But never fear! The administration dispatched Stephen Miller, known for his calming effect, to CNN to smooth the waters. Did I say “calming effect?” Because I meant, “eerily dead eyes and seething hatred for all that lives.” Having plucked his fake hair out, follicle by follicle, after becoming an international laughingstock just days ago, young Stephen was a screeching mess, even with Wolf Blitzer trying to save him from himself. You know this creep sneaks into the residence at night and whispers “Killlllll them alllllllllllll” into Little Man Shart's ears while he sleeps.

Kudos to President Dullard for trying to get Mitch McConnell to “go nuclear” and eliminate the filibuster for all legislation mere weeks before the GOP loses its House majority, all in the name of the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. It's like deciding to let the other team hit off a tee after you've had your last at-bat. This man couldn't graduate middle school.

I'm always nervous when I see “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” in a push notification, but I guess she performed successful cancer surgery on herself with her bare hands while kickboxing a Kodiak bear or something? Oh, and she voted from her hospital bed to smack down Drumpfy's latest assault on refugees, too.

With the shutdown looming, congressional Republicans are thoughtfully taking time out of their busy schedules to rub salt in the wounds of the hundreds of thousands of hard-working people they're fucking over to stroke one narcissist's ego. Freedom Caucus Grand Wizard Mark Meadows says, “Hey, when you took a federal job, this is what you signed up for; placing your financial well-being in the hands of malicious idiots who don't care if you live or die!” And Representative Scott Perry wonders who needs something as silly as a paycheck around the holidays?

And yeah, we're getting a shutdown. How long? Who knows? Possibly Shartolo Colon thinks Mueller can't work so long as the government's closed.

Well no matter what happens, you ain't shuttin’ down Shower Cap! Only thing that can do that is when I go to one of those bars that serves fancy Belgian beers with ridiculously high alcohol content which I forget about so I guzzle them like they were MGDs. That shit shuts me down good n’ proper.

*Wet hens, I have been led to believe, are quite angry. In the interest of full disclosure, I confess I cannot verify this.

Monday Roundup: Stephen Miller's Hair and Other Lovecraftian Horrors

My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!

So let's wade through the madness, shall we? (You know this by now, but you can find this post, with all the relevant news links, on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/monday-roundup-stephen-millers-hair-and-other-lovecraftian-horrors/)

Chris Christie, a guy whose political career ended in scandal, with approval ratings somewhere between genital tumors and the Blue (Da-Ba-Dee) song, joined the legion of deplorable shitsticks refusing to climb aboard the Shartanic, in refusing to become Dorito Mussolini's Chief of Staff. If getting turned down by a puritanical asparagus fart like Rick Santorum was embarrassing (and it was), this was a British-version-of-The-Office-level humiliation.

President Festering Nectarine finally got Mick Mulvaney to accept the gig, at least on an interim basis, presumably by threatening his family. Mulvaney will continue to serve in his current jobs as Director of OMB, White House Sous-Chef, Conditioning Coach for the GOP Bowling Team, and Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation.

Rest In Peace, the Weekly Standard...I guess? Journalism about journalism is as tedious as theatre about theatre, so my feed has been full of cloyingly somber tributes to the magazine that sold the GOP's garbage ideas while sipping brandy in expensive suits instead of gargling cheap bear in a Trump That Bitch t-shirt, which is allegedly better for reasons that have not been explained to me.

I love, respect, and admire my never-Trumpers, I do...up to a point. They continue to dismiss or ignore the ten thousand ways they helped pave the way for Trump and Trumpism, but I admit it's kinda sad that they truly believed their lofty-if-shitty ideas ever really had an audience in a base animated by white resentment, white resentment, and above all else, white resentment.

Rudy Giuliani spends so much time moving goalposts, you'd think he was a fucking groundskeeper. Now suddenly all the hush payments that federal prosecutors have have labeled crimes are not crimes at all! And neither is collusion, how convenient! First it was “truth isn't truth,” now it's “crime isn't crime.” One of these days, he'll be on Meet the Press, and go, “Rudy isn't Rudy,” and blink completely out of existence.

Scott Walker signed a set of bills that reduce early voting and limit the powers of his Democratic successor because he's a cheap, fascist, thug, and because Republicans are testing the waters to find out exactly how much Democracy they can get away with destroying. No jokes in this paragraph, people. Just a very loud warning.

Paul Ryan, having driven his party into a ditch and inflated the national debt like one of those orange blob monsters in Dig Dug, is abusing the powers of his office one last time before leaving the nest for his new home inside David Koch's butthole. Paul actually wants a very non-Republican increase in immigration...for white people, of course! Yes, he's pushing for extra visas for the Irish, just to give the most condescendingly theatrical wink imaginable to all the GOP's ceaseless ranting and raving about immigration on the way out the door. I miss him already.

Fresh off a stint in the big house, lil’ Georgie Papaderpaderp says he wants to roll up to the trough and be a fancypants Congressgrifter just like Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter! His platform will be be half treason, half crime, and allllllll failure, bay-bee!

Hey, Tucker Carlson is finally shedding sponsors on his Smirking Douchenozzle White Power Hour, which seems...overdue. I honestly wonder, though...are brands fleeing the likes of Laura Ingraham and Liar Tuck because they don't want to be associated with shameless bigotry, or because America's white supremacists don't have any disposable income left after binging on ammunition and meth on payday?

Remember Friday night? You thought the news had died down for the week, so you were free to sneak out to your local watering hole/swingers party/dominatrix dungeon and get a leg up on the weekend but that's exactly when a Texas judge (who I am choosing to visualize as an elderly Yosemite Sam, complete with smoking pistols) decided he would like to take a fat sloppy dump in the middle of millions of his countrymen's lives, and declare the ACA to be 31 flavors of unconstitutional, because if the founding fathers wanted us to be healthy, they'd have cured cancer themselves, by gum.

The consensus seems to be that the legal reasoning behind the ruling is shakier than Brett Kavanaugh on spring break, and likely to be overturned. It's still a nice reminder that Republican Party doesn't want us to be alive any longer than is absolutely necessary. Sure, give the labor of the prime of your life to our donor class in return for substandard wages, but once you're no longer producing for your betters, well, if you could kindly drag yourself to the glue factory, that'd be swell.

Cowboy Ryan Zinke, having looted the supply closets at Interior down to the last paper clip and sold Smoky the Bear to Chevron as rag material, will be moving on to greener pastures. Like Scott Pruitt and Tom Price before him, he will be replaced by someone equally committed to undermining his department's mission, but likely not so stupid and greedy as to attract an army of watchdogs.

Word is, the Shart House tried for weeks to push the Z-Man out the door, but he wouldn't leave until he got to throw a big Xmas party for his lobbyist buddies. Can you imagine? Getting pushed around by a two-bit goon like Ryan Zinke? “I won't let you fire me until after my party.” It's just a goddamn mystery how this pillar of strength failed to disarm North Korea, isn't it?

Anyway, you sort of wish Zinke would wind up gettin’ some Jurassic-Park-style justice, don'tcha? Like he gets lost in Yellowstone, and devoured by a pack of squirrels or something?

Everybody wants their donations back from Celebrity Racist/Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, but she already spent the money, suckaaaaaaaas! And when she wears her shiny new ruby-crusted pendant shaped like a burning cross on the Senate floor next year, she's gonna wink at the C-SPAN cameras and whisper “Thanks, Major League Baseball!”

Hey, speaking of unrepentant bigots who totally gotta away with everything, remember when then-Georgia Attorney General Brian Kemp accused state Dems, mere days before the midterm election, of attempting to illegally hack the state's voter registration system? Well, as we all suspected at the time, the little shitweasel made it all up! Pulled it straight out of his fascist ass! And combined with all of the other sneaky voter suppression operations he was able to direct as the guy in charge of overseeing his own election, he was juuuuuuust able to squeak out a “victory.”

But make no mistake; Brian Kemp is not the legitimately elected Governor of Georgia. And we shouldn't pretend otherwise. I've said it before, but when these bastards win by cheating, we need to stop congratulating them on their wiliness.

The Senate Intelligence Committee released their reports on Russia's meddling in the 2016 election, and you were all, “Oh right, we've been so focused on emoluments and Manafort and staff turnover we kinda forgot the part where there was an enemy nation working to install this Giant Rotten Nougatwad Wrecking Ball that's been fucking up our country for the last two years!”

There's all kinds of stuff in there about the Russians going after Mueller, or encouraging disaffected leftists to vote for Jill Stein and now I have to think about Jill Fucking Stein and that means grinding another layer of enamel off my teeth, goddammit.

So, the President of the United States thinks Saturday Night Live is illegal. Or ought to be. Because they make fun of him. In some ways, it's actually very amusing the way he behaves like a textbook authoritarian dictator, straight of central casting; the terror and hatred of mockery is Autocrat 101. In others, I occasionally worry he'll send drones to bomb 30 Rock.

He also seems to think that there something illegal about...investigating crimes. It must be hard to type on a spittle-drenched iPhone, but he spent the weekend trying to stir up a national outcry over the FBI...doing its job. “They're gathering evidence and interviewing witnesses and it's basically 1984 up in here now!” he shrieked, which actually provided a helpful opportunity for General Kelly to show Mick Mulvaney how to change the presidential diaper.

And yes, Stephen Miller, freshly ornamented with a thin layer of Nutella and dryer lint, slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to hiss and spit his usual hateful bile and insist that Team Treasonweasel will do whatever is necessary to get their Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants built, they'll shut down the government, they'll tear down the Alamo for bricks, if they have to, they'll...wait, what? Yes, that's my real hair! It IS! I'M GENETICALLY SUPERIOR GODDAMMIT! QUIT LAUGHING!

...Stevie's not just the president of the hair club for klansmen, he's also a client!

Weehands McNodick is fond of of whining and moaning about the cost of the Mueller probe, which, again, is an investigation into an ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES BY A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER, so maybe if we're pinching pennies we could cut back on the golf before the national defense. But it turns out that not only has the whole shebang cost significantly less than, say, a cynical political stunt deployment of our troops, but it's actually seized significantly more than its expenses just from Paul Manafort.

So the Bobadook has actually turned a profit, making his investigation more successful than any of the Shart of the Deal’s businesses.

But if wasting taxpayer money is your jam, you'll LOVE the latest bribe, er...”payout” to the farmers who have victimized by Tangerine Idi Amin's moronic trade war! We could reverse the tariffs, but no, borrowing truckfuls of money for the world's most expensive band-aid makes much more sense.

The Department of Justice really really really really REALLY doesn't want the emoluments clause lawsuit to proceed to the discovery phase, on account of all the bribery that will turn up. More like the INjustice department, amright? (Extends arm expectantly for high five.)

Lamar Alexander, who isn't a moderate but feels like one because he doesn't have a QAnon tattoo on face, announced he will not seek re-election in 2020, which gives the feral assclowns of the Tennessee GOP two whole years to find somebody even batshittier than Marsha Blackburn to send to Washington to make laws mandating that department store Santas be heterosexual or whatever. I'm sure they're more than up to the task, sadly.

A couple of Mike Flynn's pals got indicted for their secret work “lobbying” on behalf of the Turkish government, and you know I'm starting to suspect these inner-circle MAGAts haven't been putting America first. Yes, this is all about Erdogan getting his hands on dissident cleric Fethullah Gulen, like he's the last uncaptured Pokemon or something. Yes, that's the same guy Government Cheese Goebbels’ is trying to swap to Turkey in exchange for their complicity in the Khashoggi murder. Yes, he would be swiftly murdered himself upon returning “home.” This is how immoral people conduct diplomacy, Virginia.

...and now that Khashoggi nabbed Donnie Dotard's coveted Time Person of the Year spot, you know the old man wants his name buried once and for all.

I'm sure there's more, but I feel like I've been slapped in the face with an ostomy bag for about eight hours right now, so I’m gonna sign off for the evening. See ya soon, Shower Captives!

*I am not in any way, shape, or form a journalist.

**hobby

***poop jokes

***that one's fine, actually.

Lordy, We're Getting a Super-Size Portion of Madness, Is it Fucking Sweeps Week? (Ferret/ShowerCap)

Sometimes people ask me, “Cap? Is shit still cray?” And that's a good question. Let me put it this way; there was a nationwide wave of bomb threats today, and by next Wednesday, you won't remember it at all.

(As always, this post originates on my humble blog site, where you can find it, and others, with all those helpful nooz links: http://showercapblog.com/lordy-were-getting-a-super-size-portion-of-madness-is-it-fucking-sweeps-week/)

I'm actually writing this from the hospital tonight. Yes, friends, watching videos of Chuck n’ Nancy humiliating the Velveeta Vulgarian right in his own damn office, inducing him to drop bowling balls on his own dick, over and over, as the TV cameras he alone invited into the room broadcast it live for the whole word to see and mock, I laughed so fucking hard I fractured several vertebrae. I'm in a full body cast typing with a dowel rod in my mouth but holy shit it was totally worth it.

Seriously, watching the Manchurian Manchild boil with rage every time Pelosi called him a liar to his face, until Schumer finally baited him into petulantly taking “credit” for a government shutdown, like taking candy not from an unusually stupid and small-handed baby. Biggest self-own since the Spanish Armada.

Also, there was a congressional hearing with the CEO of Google, I guess because the GOP felt it was important to prove to the world that they elect mostly out-of-touch old white dudes who would never allow their comical lack of understanding of how the internet works to interfere with their paranoid delusions and ingrained victimhood complexes.

Steve King seemed particularly upset that when you google “Steve King” you quickly gain access to plentiful information about all of the abominable shit Steve King says and does, which makes him look like some kind of idiot fascist. King then demanded that Google turn over the names and social media profiles of its employees to the government, so he could target and persecute any liberals working there, which is kind of an idiotic, fascist, thing to do, don'tcha think?

At a certain point, America really needs to acknowledge and deal with the reality that the Republican Party has been completely taken over by the runts of the tinfoil hat crowd. We've been so focused on getting to know all our awesome new House Dems, we didn't notice the other team's freshman class includes a bonafide anti-vax doctor! He gets to write laws for the rest of us, isn't that fun?

And a member of the city council San Juan Capistrano, California, actually started belching up QAnon garbage on the council floor. Qnatics in government, how cool is THAT? I keep telling y’all that this is Hell, don't I?

Don't believe me? Would Matt Bevin, who made headlines today by attacking a Pulitzer-winning media outlet by posting an unhinged, fact-free rant from the Daily Fucking Caller, be the Governor of a whole goddamn state if this wasn't Hell? I think not.

Hey, wanna hear a joke? Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, asked about her legacy, said she hoped people would remember her as “transparent and honest,” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHH! Good one, right?

Hairpiece Himmler said the people would “revolt” should he be impeached for his many crimes, a sneering threat from a cheap thug. Part of me is of course terrified of the possibility that this selfish, soulless, shitweasel may very well order his followers to start a second Civil War just to save himself from the consequences of his actions, but part of me is sort of curious to see what would happen in a war where all the dumbest people in the country were on one side. I bet we could win just by throwing a tarp over the Grand Canyon and tricking them into charging at us on the other side.

Well, Mean Mike Cohen has been sentenced, and it looks like he'll be putting off that run for NYC Mayor for at least three years! Shart Garfunkel is frantically playing Pin the Blame on the Fixer, but the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is already signaling a willingness to sing like a canary in an open hearing before Congress, so I don't think tweets are gonna fix this one, old man.

Shit, even the publisher of the National Enquirer, David Pecker, has confessed to colluding with the Tangelo Taint Tumor to illegally pay off one of the women the future President was cheating on his wife with, and this seems like as good a time as any to point out that his electoral base is made up largely of so-called evangelical “Christians” who sincerely believe they are the only moral people in the world.

Shartboy's attempts to claim he didn't do anything illegal here ran into a higher-than-his-stupid-border-wall-will-ever-be speed bump when we found out he was actually in the room with Cohen and Pecker when the dirty deed was discussed. Yes, Donnie Dotard was the third man, and that means Robert Mueller is Trevor Howard and I guess America is in the Joe Cotten role.

Speaking of Trumpal-associates-turned-state’s-evidence, have you noticed this weird need in the right wing fucknutosphere to paint Mike Flynn as some sort of martyr to the Church of Trump? Little Red Riding Flynn, who was just trying to take a basket full of refugee clerics over to Grandma Erdogan's house, when Big Bad Bob tricked him into lying to the FBI?

Kids, do y’all understand on any level that Mike Flynn has spent the last year of his life rolling over on other Trumpworld scumbags? That in order to keep himself and his dirtbag son out of prison, he met with the Mueller investigation nineteen times? He is a one man stool pigeon flock, little MAGAfolk, and he has done your boy no favors.

The moral of the story is, it's tough to hang onto your friends when they're also your co-conspirators in federal crimes, especially when you've made yourself the center of the entire motherfucking planet's attention.

The Chief of Staff hunt is proceeding so well, Dorito Mussolini had to temporarily un-fire John Kelly for a few days because he can't find a replacement. It isn't embarrassing at all when a third-rate back-bencher like Rick Santorum turns down what was once one the most coveted jobs in politics on live television. Not even a little. Really.

Now the word is, he might hire his incompetent, yappy-dog-voiced, son-in-law for the gig. Jar-Jar's playing hardball in the negotiations, though, demanding a cotton candy machine at his desk, plus twice-daily recess. We'll see what happens.

Hey, I guess Ann Coulter is racist, who knew?

Kind of a slow news week, actually. I mean, there was that one thing where a Russian spy pleaded guilty to a conspiracy to infiltrate the National Rifle Association at the behest of the Russian government in order to gain influence over the Republican Party. Oh, and Def Leppard got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Seriously though, the anti-gun-control crowd is experiencing a mass loss of sphincter control at this news; I'm sure you've seen all the photos of Maria Butina smiling alongside various death merchant luminaries. ‘Course, nobody is as deeply, majestically, fucked as her “boyfriend,” Paul Erickson, whose life looks like an Olympic-sized swimming pool full of raw sewage and razor blades right now. I picture Paulie stumbling around back allies in a daze...suddenly the orchestra kicks in out of nowhere, and he begins to sing:

Maria!
They've just jailed a girl named Maria!
And now I know just why
A hot young Russian spy
Fucked meeeeeeeee!

Maria!
Say it loud as she climbs aboard you!
Say it soft so she cannot record you!

Maria!

I'll never stop regretting

Mariaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Individual 1, Jr., revealed that his sociopath father, who has billions of dollars, doesn't buy his own son and namesake presents, but simply passes on all the monogrammed crap he doesn't want, including even stuff Junior himself gave him. If he wasn’t out there spreading lies and hate all the damn time, I could almost bring myself to feel a little sorry for the twerp, growing up in the shadow of that cheap, sad, bastard, utterly incapable of affection of any kind. But, since he's always tweeting out super-racist shit, fuck him with a rake.

Presumably because they didn't get Stephen Miller anything else for Xmas, and he hasn't hurt any new minority groups in a while, the Turdworm Administration is moving to deport a bunch of Vietnamese refugees, many of whom have lived in this country for decades, and even aided the United States in the Vietnam War. Obviously, this is senseless and reprehensible, but -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Popping up unexpectedly from behind the Abject Horror Desk): Hey Cap, don't mean to interrupt, but if you think that's a truly revolting example of human cruelty, did you hear about the ICE sting operation that weaponized familial love to draw immigrants out of hiding in order to arrest them?

Cap: I...holy shit, Bill, I didn't even know you were in today. That's fucking horrifying.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: You thought “concentration camps for children” was the absolute bottom, didn'tcha? CHUMP.

...fucking hell...moving on...

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk (Running away): Oh, and a little girl died of dehydration in Border Patrol custody! Bye!

Queen Melania actually went on TV to gripe about how hard her life is while all this genuinely monstrous shit was going down, so fuck her, too.

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Dumbfuckistan) may not believe in climate change, but when it comes to using his post to self-enrich, he's got the faith of a zealot. Yes, one of the rad things about being a lawmaker is, you can push for a massive increase in military spending one day, then turn around and buy stock in defense contractors the next! Something something drain the swamp!

You guys, I don't think Marco Rubio knows he's a Senator. He's stumbling around, bellowing about the tax law he voted for, because it's benefiting corporations at the expense of hard-working Americans, or, to put it another way, for DOING PRECISELY WHAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DESIGNED IT TO DO. It's like yelling at a sandwich for holding lunchmeat and condiments between two slices of bread. How does a man this dumb put on pants without falling over?

A former Apprentice employee says Fat Q*Bert used to snort Adderall on the set, and lech on teenage beauty pageant contestants. And okay, it's totally unsubstantiated, literally a bit from a stand-up comic's routine. But not one person anywhere on Earth went “Oh no, that's just not possible.” Now, if you saw a an article claiming “Donald Trump dives into ice-cold river to rescue drowning puppy,” you'd say BULLSHIT out loud. Even if you were in a library. Or the Vatican.

Desperate for attention, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting sat down with Fux Nooz for a softball interview, only they replaced the softball with a wad of damp Kleenex so as to spare him any hint of actual journalism. He was actually asked, “What do you love about being President?” like a fucking second grader being eased back into school after summer break, and anyhow you know he was lying because he didn't say “the best part is how it shields you from federal indictment.”

And even in that safest imaginable environment, the fuckhead still managed to tell all those GM workers who are losing their jobs that their life-upending problems don't really matter.

I spend a fair amount of time on political twitter and there seems to be some controversy as to whether Ted Cruz's new beard is a shit beard or not. Allow me to clear this up for everyone: the beard is absolutely a shit beard. Among shit beards, it stands out as abnormally shitty. If there were a beard church, Ted Cruz's shit beard would be excommunicated from it. I'm a Harvard-educated beard-judger*, and I know what the fuck I'm talking about, ‘kay?

And the Fart-huffin’ Fascist announced he'll be taking a 16-day holiday vacation down to Marm-a-Lago, so he can unwind from the stress of golfing twice a week and not showing up for work until noon. He'll also be charging the Secret Service seasonal rush pricing on port-a-potties. That's just smart business, people.

Credit's due where credit's due, and the Trump/Ryan/McConnell economy helped the deficit hit a record $204.9 billion in November! That's a MUCH bigger deficit than that cuck, Barack Obama, had! Hashtag MAGA!

This Xmas season, what do you get for the Shart who has everything? How about YET ANOTHER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION? Yes, the liberal hacks at the Wall Street Journal report that federal prosecutors are looking into the (humiliatingly under-attended) inaugural committee for fresh new crimez, like buying influence and putting ketchup on all the steaks at the buffet.

If the Uncredible Huck ever holds another press briefing, she'll spend it whining that the media never covers all the crimes her boss ISN'T accused of committing. “The President never jaywalks, Jim, why doesn't CNN talk about that?”

In uncharacteristically uplifting news, the U.S. Senate voted to stop helping Saudi Arabia commit genocide in Yemen! Every so often, even the spineless, corrupt, post-Trump version of the GOP can reach across the aisle and do the right thing. Well, except for the 41 Republican Senators that figured, “hey, what's one dismembered journalist, more or less, among friends? Should we wire the child-starvation funds directly to you account, or would you prefer a hundred duffle bags full of cash?”

Shit, the House even passed a bill that says Congresspervs have to pay sexual harassment settlements out of their own pockets from now on! Yeah, that's right, up until now, creeps like Blake Farenthold were using your taxpayer dollars to buy their way out of trouble, isn't that neat? Anyway, baby steps.

So yeah, folks...shit remains decidedly cray. The news had me cackling like a hyena on Adderall today. This runaway train ain't slowin’ down any time soon. But hey, let me drop one last link, guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face...

*Ok, it was a mail-order course.

Cap's Monday Roundup: Where There's Smock, There's...I Dunno, Firp? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey gang, how is everybody? Good weekend? Everyone enjoying their time trapped in Dario Argento's version of a Lewis Carroll story? If we just keep screaming, somebody's bound to find us and let us out, right?

(As usual, this post can be found on my humble blog site, with all those helpful news links you know n’ love: http://showercapblog.com/caps-monday-roundup-where-theres-smock-theres-i-dunno-firp/)

So, about four minutes after I posted my last blog, the Kompromat Kid rage-tweeted again about how the free press is the “enemy of the people,” and like clockwork, one of the dutiful drones of Cult45 phoned in another bomb threat to CNN. Isn't it amazing how quickly we humans can adjust to even the largest changes in the world around us? Like, hey, nobody uses pay phones anymore, and also the President of the United States regularly incites violence against journalists, anyhow, what's on Netflix?

So Jovial Jim Comey sat down for one last marathon interrogation before House Republicans begin their richly-deserved stint in the minority. They promised earth-shattering new revelations about Hillary Clinton's e-mails, but as usual, it was just Gowdy Doody and friends blowing smock up our asses.

Today in What the Living Fuck, and this one's really weird, folks...Ammon Bundy, uh...welcome...to the...Resistance? Is this like when one of the members of the gang switches sides and joins the good guys because he finally realizes how bad the bad guys are? You know, like on that old show Gunsmock?

Donnie Dotard and his ex-Secretary State, Low-T Rex Tillerson, are fighting, and I think it's kinda sad, cuz after all, when they sling every insult in the book at one another, they're really both right. Surely we can all come together as one people, united in the knowledge Trump and Tilly are BOTH stupid, lazy, taintfungi who have fucked up the world with their boneheaded incompetence. Kumbaya, everybody smock the pipe of peace.

I see somebody dug up an old video of VA Secretary Robert Wilkie praising Jefferson frickin’ Davis as a “martyr to ‘The Lost Cause.’” In more ordinary times, this would have been a scandal of substantial note, but with this administration, praising a racist traitor/loser will probably get you invited to the President's house for Xmas.

Well, looks like we won't have John Kelly to kick around anymore. Like all the treason-enabling sycophants before him, from Reince to the Mooch to Price to Sessions, he has received his just reward, a shredded reputation and a golf shoe up the ass. The media desperately tried to paint General Kelly as some sort of adult-in-the-room savior, but he was never anything but Government Cheese Goebbels’ equally-racist sidekick. Bye, John, I wish you tooth decay and shingles, may you never avoid a single pile of sidewalk dog turds, you un-American fraud.

But now Weehands McNodick can't fill the job! He was all set to poach Mike Pants’ own megashady CoS, but that guy couldn't help but notice the desk is located on a bed of quicksand, so now he's fleeing the government altogether. And basically every Republican in the country is making it known they won't accept the post. Odd, that nobody's volunteering for a gig that comes with perks like “guaranteed massive legal bills,” and “changing the President's diaper every time fresh news of the Mueller investigation breaks.”

Aw. Nobody wants to work for Shart Garfunkel. And so he sits, shunned and alone in his office, crying the tears of a clown. Just like in that old Smocky Robinson song.

After months of insisting she's not a spy, Smockin’ Hot Russian Maria Butina has decided she doesn't particularly like being in jail, and has cut a plea deal, so now the story is yuh huh I sure am a Russian spy please let me out of prison I will tell you all kinds of shit about the NRA and how they do Daddy's Vlad's bidding and also Dana Loesch and Dan Bongino run a puppy mill on the weekends probably.

Forbes published a fun little exploration of the ways the Grand Wizard Grifter funnels his rube army's donations directly into his own pocket. Don't worry, kids...I'm sure he'll get to work on bringing those Rust Belt manufacturing jobs back any day now! After he's done golfing, of course. Anyway, nice job smocking out all those details, Forbes!

Faced with a mounting stack of evidence that Tangerine Idi Amin committed multiple felonies in pursuit of the Presidency, Republicans are taking a novel Yeah But So What approach to the latest revelations, a sharp reversal from the days of Hillary Clinton Should be in Prison for Something ANYTHING and if We Didn't Find Any Crimes After Years of Investigations Let's Just Fuckin’ Make it Illegal to Carry Hot Sauce in Your Purse, Okay?!?!?

Rand Paul actually suggested we've “over-criminalized” campaign finance violations, a theory he supported by pointing out that even now there are a significant number a elected officials who are not salaried employees of the Koch brothers.

Orrin Hatch, who has spent the last forty years of his professional life literally making laws, is now all, “The President’s a felon? I don't care and you can't make me nyah nyah nyah!” Gosh, I can't wait until January, when Hatch is finally replaced by a steely-spined man of unshakable principle, Mitt RomnHAHAHHAHAHAHAH I can't keep a straight face with that one.

And newly-minted House Minority Feral Cat Wrangler Kevin McCarthy helpfully suggested that the incoming Democratic majority shouldn't bother investigating any of these silly ol’ crimes at all! Heh. Amusingly, it looks like the new McCarthyism is an inversion of the old; fabricating fake innocence in order to shield Americans who actually did collude with Russia.

...to think, these are the men who sit in smock-filled rooms and make the rules for the rest of us.

You almost have to be impressed with the brazenness of the election fraud that took place in NC-09, y'know? Looks as though “Pastor” Mark Harris’ campaign even collected blank ballots and filled them in as votes for their guy. They didn't really win this election, folks...it was all just smock and mirrors.

I think something wacky is going on with Brexit? Let's be honest, if it's British, but it's not part of an Emma Thompson movie, I'm not gonna play particularly close attention. Anyhow, there seems to be some sort of controversy over a toy sword?

So, America and her new best budz, Saudi Arabia and Russia, held hands and shit on a United Nations climate report, because we're the bad guys now. Hey, when do we get together with the rest of the Axis of Assclowns and divvy up Poland?

Well, the troops deployed at the southern border at great taxpayer expense for no discernible reason are starting to come home at long last. Tragically, they failed in their mission, which was to stave of the Blue Tsunami and protect President Crotchrot from congressional oversight. Truly, this was Trump's Vietnam.

Corsi-Klayman Overdrive is coming to your town, and they're gonna rock your goddamn face off! Yes, the InfoWars loon and his famous-for-failing-all-time “lawyer” are suing Bodacious Bob Mueller and a bunch of law enforcement agencies for $350 million, for blackmail and defamation and making Roger Stone mad at him. Me, I can't wait to see this dipshit's dreams of a fat payout go...you know I'm gonna say it...up in smock.

A few years ago, Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch committed the Worst Crime in All Human History, the notorious TARMAC MEETING.

(Pause inserted to allow the reader to chant LOCK HIM/HER/THEM UP for whatever duration the reader feels is appropriate.)

So naturally, when Acting Attorney General/Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker took an entire plane trip with Jared Kusher, the President's son-in-law and a potential target of DoJ investigations in his own right, the scandal was front-page news, and Whitaker was promptly disciplined, and then a unicorn jumped out of my ass and flew to the moon with Elvis on its back.

And Holy Smocks, it's time for the Last Ride of the Freedom Caucus! They're backing up Boss Turdworm's plan to shut down the government over the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, so we may just get a little extra insanity in our stockings this year!

Anyway, that's all I got. You guys don't know how close you came to getting a think piece on Why Harold Baines Doesn't Belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame tonight. Close, but no cigar. Get it? GET IT?

Flynn, Gohmert, Lewandowski, Harris, Spano? The News is Live from the Outhouse Tonight! (Ferret/SC)

Friends, I know I've been telling you that shit be cray for a couple of years now, but we've suddenly found ourselves at the point in history where robots are attacking us with bear spray, and I don't think we're anywhere near the bottom of this barrel yet.

(As always, this post originates on my humble blog site...check it out, there's all sorts of useful links there: http://showercapblog.com/flynn-gohmert-lewandowski-harris-spano-the-news-is-live-from-the-outhouse-tonight/)

Hairpiece Himmler was extra pouty this week, because a President that some people actually liked and respected stole his spotlight by dying, and he just went through this with John McCain like, a month ago, boo hoo. He was certainly too emotional to walk TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING YARDS to Palmer House to meet Dubya, so he had to be chauffeured in a motorcade. Or maybe he's just a lazy old bastard who can't walk across the street without collapsing in exhaustion. Dr. Ronny Jackson can't cover for ya when you're wheezing and sweating uncontrollably after half a block, I guess.

And because he got through the whole funeral service without ripping the casket open and tea-bagging the corpse, the media fawned over his subdued, professional demeanor. It was so goddamn Presidential, Van Jones didn't stop orgasming for six hours.

The Marmalade Shartcannon and his deputies continue to debase the United States in service to Murderous, Autocratic Thug/Oil Company Executive with Delusions of Grandeur Mohammed bin Salman, which is equal parts appalling and humiliating. But after a briefing with the CIA director, even loyal Trump stooges like Lindsey Graham and Richard Shelby are saying yuh huh MBS had Jamal Khashoggi killed, with the bone saw, in the embassy, it was not Colonel Mustard or Miss Scarlett, and it is a very bad thing.

And maybe you wonder why the hell the President of the United States is so eager to cover up a brutal, despicable, murder, but then you see that a Saudi government lobbyist paid for 500 rooms at the Velveeta Vulgarian's D.C. hotel right after the election, and you hang your head in shame that your beautiful country's soul was bought so fucking cheap.

So, Michael Avenatti announced that he will not be participating in a couple of CSPAN kids table debates with John Delaney and Howard Schultz and probably Bobby Jindal before dropping out of the 2020 primary. I'm pretty pissed about this, actually, because I was really looking forward to the opportunity to prove that our party was Trump-proof, that we'd quickly reject any loudmouth idiot who figured a twitter following qualified him for the most important gig on earth. Well, maybe Dane Cook will give it a go.

Nice to see GOP embracing all the exciting new possibilities that open up when you simply give up on feeling shame. The anti-democratic power grabs in Wisconsin and Michigan are proceeding quite nicely, thank you very much. Tony Evers now has to walk on a bed of hot coals to reach his office every day, and Gretchen Whitmer is only allowed to veto legislation if she first slays a wild boar with her bare hands. Anyway, I was already pretty proud to be a Democrat, but now that we're the only major American party that believes in Democracy, I'm positively beaming.

And shit down in the North Carolina 9th keeps gettin’ shadier and shadier. Wouldn't be surprised to learn that “Pastor” Mark Harris has a basement full of would-be Dan McCready voters shackled to the wall. Anyway, we're talking about god knows how many ballots destroyed, and the financial trail winding allllll the way up to the state GOP. McCready has un-conceded his race, and calls for a new election grow louder by the hour, which means the goddamn midterms will never ever end, which I'm sorta okay with.

And because shame is for cucks, these rat-finks are actually using a large-scale act of ELECTION fraud perpetrated by Republicans as an excuse to push their bullshit VOTER fraud agenda. And yes, the lame-duck NC legislature is working to pass a bill in the name of election security that will disenfranchise minorities while doing precisely diddly squat to prevent Leslie-McRae-Dowless-style shenanigans.

Roger Stone responded to a letter from Diane Feinstein by pleading the fifth, even though he hadn't been subpoenaed or anything. Heh. Ol’ Rog is gettin’ kinda jumpy, don'tcha think? At the grocery store the other day, the cashier asked “paper or plastic,” and Stone instinctively cried, “I have a constitutional right to protection from self-incrimination!!!” before fleeing, leaving behind his vodka and prunes.

Ross Douthat, who somehow has yet to figure out the Times gave him a column to make conservatives look dumb, cut a real gem this week. It's a disturbingly suburban, Saturday Evening Post and Ovaltine ode to white supremacy, and it's scarier than anything from Edgar Allen Poe's nightmares.

We actually get a whole little subsection in today's blog about People Named Ross Who Are Bad, so let's turn our attention to Representative-elect Ross Spano from FL-15, who playfully announced that “whoopsie, I seem have to funded my campaign with illegal donations, OH WELL, SEE YOU IN WASHINGTON, SUCKERS!” Both his Republican primary and Democratic general election opponents are calling for a criminal investigation, which shouldn't take long, since Spano has already confessed to, well...breaking the law. Or maybe he'll form a Federal Indictment Caucus with Duncan Hunter and Chris Collins.

That's all the Bad Ross news for today, but I've got an eye on YOU, Former Big League Pitcher Ross Ohlendorf!

So it looks like Fat Q*Bert heard somebody from China say “I like your ridiculously overlong necktie” and took that to mean “we're about to totally renegotiate our trade relationship,” and therefore the stock market is behaving like an inebriated bungee jumper, how fun.

And confessed felon Michael Flynn seems to have earned his Get Out of Jail Free (Also Your Lunatic Dirtbag Kid) If By Free You Mean Nineteen Separate Interviews With Team Mueller Spent Snitching Out Everybody You Worked With card. Everybody's having a good time playing Mad Libs with the redacted sections in Bodacious Bob's document, trying to figure out if they've got a pre-dawn no-knock raid in their immediate future.

You could be forgiven for thinking the international news was a rerun, since we got yet another story about satellites picking up images of North Korea continuing their missile program even though they promised Donnie Dotard they wouldn't and there was a challenge coin and everything. What is that, the fourth time? Fifth? Thirty-ninth?

On the bright side, if there's ever a Nobel Prize for getting played, mocked, and utterly cucked by a cheap third-world dictator, you'll be a heavy favorite, Shart-Shart.

Alex Acosta, friend to wealthy pedophiles everywhere, is still in the cabinet, drawing a taxpayer-funded salary, isn't that neat?

Meanwhile, Trenchmouthed Cousin-Humper Rudy Giuliani doesn't understand how the internet works, and because he's an aging Republican, he reflexively blames his own ludditism on a sinister left-wing conspiracy. Anyway, Rudy doesn't spell-check or edit his tweets before posting, so some clever person made him the butt of a pretty damn good joke.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand sent out a tweet saying "the future is female,” which is a fairly common phrase that I know you've all seen on backpacks and bumper stickers and t-shirts thousands of times by now, but boy howdy, did the entire right wing melt down over it! Shartboy Junior trembled in fear at the thought of the Amazon overlords imprisoning his masculine magnificence in a labor camp, or something. Even Marco Rubio belched up some self-righteous blather before returning to usual regimen of rubbing NRA money all over his body while tweeting out bible verses that he doesn't follow.

You probably saw the thing where Tangerine Idi Amin said that he doesn't care about the national debt that's he been inflating like the gluttony guy in Se7en, because he won't be around when the shit hits the fan. He's taking a lot of heat for that, but I find it sorta refreshing. It's like Bizarro Honest Paul Ryan.

Oh, and the trade deficit hit its highest point in a whole damn decade. Perfect. The silly old twit can't stand doing his job, all he wants to do is golf and wallow in the adulation of the rubes at his little Klan rallies, but the one policy-related thing he seems to actually care about, in his malicious, misinformed, way, is the trade deficit, and even that he's fucking up. Trumpest thing ever.

Meanwhile, the Nebraska Farm Bureau sent President Cudbrain a Hallmark card saying “Thanks for flushing a billion dollars in revenue your Big Stupid Trade War down the toilet, you massive fucking idiot! We'd much rather feed your ego than our families!”

...you know, I'm starting to think this Trump fellow doesn't know quite as much about the economy as he claims.

Well, looks like we won't have Bilbo Bigot to kick around anymore. After decades spent as the dutiful servant of institutional white supremacy, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, the man who was too racist for the 80's, says he's probably gonna take his hood and go home. Oh, he'll miss the hustle and bustle of Washington, but I'm sure he'll enjoy a fulfilling retirement back home in Alabama, descending into a blissful senility, yelling at any black people he sees sitting in the front of the bus.

A couple of real nice pieces of investigative journalism dropped today, one from Mother Jones and the Trace, reveals probably-super-illegal campaign coordination between Team Shart and the blood-drunk maniacs of the National Rifle Association. More crimes. Anyone surprised? Anyhow, get in line, I guess, behind the emoluments clause lawsuit and the Drumpf Foundation lawsuit and the Hatch Act violations and the defamation lawsuits and...lordy. I've lost track.

The other, from the Failing New York Times, introduces us to Victorina Morales, the undocumented immigrant housekeeper who cleans up after President Crotchvoid at his tacky New Jersey golf club. I hope she wears a mask at work, so as to avoid any detrimental health effects from breathing in the fumes of Wee Don's experimental hair tonic.

I expect this latest story about Strawberry Shartcake hiring undocumented immigrants at his businesses will turn off his the MURICA FURST crowd in Cult45 about as much as his refusal to pray at the Bush funeral will bother evangelical “Christians.”

The period between an election and the seating of a new congress often sees shake-ups in leadership, so perhaps it's no surprise to see Louie Gohmert vigorously defending his title of Dumbest Man in Congress. Louie popped up just long enough to spread anti-Semitic conspiracy garbage about George Soros so vile that even Fux Bizness swiftly apologized. You're still the king, Louie.

I looooove watching Nancy Pelosi take charge again. Today, the future two-time, two-time Speaker of the House told Weehands McNodick that if he wants his big stupid wall, he's gonna have to pull the money out of his own ass, because congress ain't giving him shit. RESPECT.

Nancy also hints House Dems may just refuse to seat “Pastor” Harris even though he worked SO hard to steal his election, and THE BOSS IS BACK is what I'm telling you folks.

Corey Lewandowski got into another fight, and it wasn't even with a female journalist this time, but rather with some Florida Republicans who refused to offer up sufficient praise to the Emperor of Turds. Corey is a super-well-adjusted grown-up who will probably never wind up in jail because he lost his shit at a KFC and stabbed a guy with a spork for forgetting his cole slaw.

Speaking of stunted man-children, our old chum Milo Yerassisbrokenow got booted from Patreon in less than a day, so he'll probably have to go door to door now, begging “alms for the incurably shitty, sir?”

What's this? Has Tucker Carlson turned on Government Cheese Goebbels? Plenty of harsh words from Liar Tuck, I fear we may see strife at the usually-cordial White Nationalist Convention n’ Fish Fry next year!

Well, Shartboy's pick for the new Ambassador to the United Nations, Heather Nauert, may be a former Fux Nooz host without any diplomatic experience, but she's friends with Jar-Jar and Ivanka, and have I mentioned that this is hell because this is hell.

Lord, what a week. Lock up your bear spray someplace where the robots can't get to it, is all I'm sayin'.

Assorted Zaniness and Silliness, Plus Oh Yeah, the GOP Attempts a Coup in Wisconsin (Ferret/SC)

Hey there, Shower Captives! Hope you all enjoyed your weekend of pretending George H.W. Bush was some sort of historically great man just because he didn't tear-gas little kids while ogling his own daughter. Let's round up the insanity, shall we?

(As always, you can find this post, with helpful news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/assorted-zaniness-and-silliness-plus-oh-yeah-the-gop-attempts-a-coup-in-wisconsin/)

Well, President Truck Stop Gas Station Urinal Cake got home from the G20 summit, where he was shunned and mocked. Because he's a wheezy, low-stamina, old man, he couldn't even handle the ceremonial duties of his office, desperately whining for deliverance from the back-breaking stress of...a momentary photo op with Argentine President Mauricio Macri. In the future, I think we should elect people who can do a full day's work without getting all colicky and bitchy.

Hell, Lil’ Donnie Dotard was so tuckered out, he could barely roll out of bed this morning for a little witness tampering on the ol’ tweety machine. Look, justice ain't gonna obstruct itself, people.

Something happened at the G20 with China and the Big Dumb Trade War, though. Or maybe it didn't. Nobody seems to know what it is. Or isn't. Hey, with all the inhuman malice that typically issues forth from this administration, I'm more than happy to field some mere incompetence for a change.

There's a fun little article in the Failing New York Times about how the Republican Party doesn't seem to be interested in examining why they got their collaborating asses kicked so hard on November 6th, or in how to prevent similar ass-kickings in the future. I'm like, “FINALLY, a Republican position I can get behind!”

So, everybody found out that Labor Secretary Alex Acosta is a professional pedophile-enabler, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn't look like he will face any consequences at all. I feel like “Oh, you helped a wealthy child molester avoid punishment? You are super duper fired, bro!” would be standard operating procedure everyplace from Burger King to Goldman Sachs, but I suppose standards are a bit more lax in the Shart House.

Hell, Ryan Zinke and Steve Mnuchin probably swung by his office with a bottle of the finest scotch taxpayer money can buy for a little Welcome to Cabinet Dirtbag Club toast! “Shit, Alex, we had no idea! We thought you were square!”

While we're talking about mega-rich sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, he's still got all kindsa of friends in high places, including, it would seem, Shart Garfunkel's favorite television surrogate, Alan Dershowitz, who is still giving legal advice to his pedo-pal. Y'know, I'm starting to understand why Dersho doesn't get invited over for nachos and foosball in Martha's Vineyard anymore.

The greatest thing about de-platformed alt-right scuzzbuckets is that we only hear about them now when bad/embarrassing things happen to them, like Alex Jones reduced to shouting at poop on the sidewalk, or Laura Loomer handcuffing herself to a door and threatening to piss her pants. Anyway, today we learned that Milo Yadontmatternomo finds himself a couple of million dollars in debt, and if that makes you laugh nonstop for the next hour or so, don't worry, the blog will still be here when you catch your breath.

Speaking of schadenfreude, looks like Rotten-Toothed Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani tried to throw himself a big party, but no one would come because he's loathed by all decent Americans for his work on behalf of a certain Fascist Farthuffer. Good.

If Rudy's lookin’ for a party, maybe he can swing by the one I'm throwing in celebration of the beginning of the DISCOVERY PHASE IN THE EMOLUMENTS CLAUSE LAWSUIT, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAS! If you flash a subpoena for Trump Organization records, you get a string of plastic beads and red solo cup for the keg.

Hmmmm...the news is actually kinda light today...I guess we can talk about Kid Rock getting fired from a parade for being an ass. So yeah...Kid Rock got fired from a parade, for being an ass. He was replaced by James Shaw, Jr., who is famous for being a hero instead of for being an ass. Sigh. We really were cheated out of those Stabenow/Rock debates.

Proving that we're not the only nation up to our nipples in batguano cray-cray news, the President of Nigeria apparently needed to publicly deny a rumor that he is not himself but rather a clone of himself because he actually died. I feel you, Nigeria. Sometimes I wonder if our President isn't a six foot pile of monkey crap with dead Muppet on top.

Anyway, Jerome Corsi, through his “lawyer,” Larry Klayman, has filed a formal complaint against the Mueller investigation so I bet Bashful Bob and everybody working with him goes to jail now, SORRY LIBTARDS, YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG ADDLE-BRAINED ASSHAT!

And...hmmm. What else?

Yeah, it's actually been a relatively quiet cycle, at least by the dumpster-fire-behind-a-meth-lab standards of 2018.

...except for that thing where the GOP in Wisconsin is trying to curb stomp democracy to death, skullfuck the corpse, and then shit on its grave.

You can almost understand why Wisco Republicans are so upset...they've invested a tremendous amount of time and energy into stripping their voters of the power to have any say in their government. But it turned out the people hate Scott Walker and his cronies SO FUCKING MUCH that they overcame all the voter suppression, turning out in such massive numbers that Democrats won every single statewide office. (The cartoonishly-gerrymandered state congressional districts succeeding in thwarting the will of all those pesky citizens when it came to the legislature, though.)

So, they're using a lame duck session to pass a package of Nah You Get Republican Governance Anyway, Bitches bills. While they can't quite make voting illegal, they sure do want to reduce folks’ opportunities to do it. Not a big deal, I suppose, it's not like we're talking about a pivotal 2020 swing state that might just determine whether a cabal of cheap crooks will run amok in the federal executive branch for four more years.

...wait.

And of course, they're looking to strip the offices they just lost of all their power. They literally want to be able to hire their own utterly unaccountable private lawyers to do the work of the Wisconsin Attorney General. They want to reduce incoming governor Tony Evers to a figurehead who cuts ribbons at mall openings plus he has to mow the lawn at the State Capitol building. They basically want to force a Republican government on a state that chose a Democratic one. Which is, yeah, antithetical to basically everything our country stands for. So fuck them.

A similar scam is underway in Michigan. Oh, and don't forget about North Carolina, where the GOP is all, “Pay no attention to the already-large-and-steadily-increasing mound of evidence that Mark Harris’ campaign engaged in a whole buncha criminal fuckery! Kindly certify the election before people start going to prison for election fraud!” And gosh, isn't it weird that we haven't heard any condemnations from KKKris KKKobach and the rest of the vote fraud squad?

The point, my friends, is that though we all enjoyed a little well-earned rest after building that 60-million-votes-n’-counting Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, vacation's over. You can help the fight against the anti-democratic lame-duck Wisconsin power grab here. The fight ain't over. It'll never be over. Get back to work.

And don't forget to spread the word about the Obamacare open enrollment period! It ends December 15th, and we've got some catching up to do!

Okay folks, I'm signing off before I read about anything truly ridiculous, like maybe Paul Manafort trying to get Ecuador to swap Julian Assange for some shiny bead or something equally OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!

Cap's Very Legal & Very Cool Roundup of Every Dirtbag From Paul Manafort to Alex Acosta

Y'know, normally it's delightful news when a garbage person gets their comeuppance, and it's certainly fun watching the walls close in on Conman Don, but sometimes you remember he's still an utterly immoral shitsack wielding the powers of the Presidency, and you wonder, “Hey, you don't think he'd order a tactical strike on the FBI just to save his own ass...do you?” This is not the correct week to quit sniffing glue, is what I'm saying.

(And yeah, if you wanna read this post with all those helpful news links, click on over to Cap's humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/caps-very-legal-very-cool-roundup-of-every-dirtbag-from-paul-manafort-to-alex-acosta/)

Word on the street is, Paul Manafort may be even more #Manafucked that we thought. A story in the Guardian claims Precocious Paul used to swing by the Ecuadorian embassy in London to visit his pal Julian Assange, bringing him root beer and porno mags, and maybe plotting some secret treasonous collusion/assorted acts of naughtiness together. Even during the 2016 campaign. Oh myyyyyyyy.

Now, nobody else has this story at the moment, and of course Paul n’ Julie deny it, so maybe it's true and maybe it's not. Only the Bobadook knows for sure.

But we also learned that Paulie's lawyers have been passing info on their talks with the Mueller investigation on to the Clowncar Full of Rectums Trump calls his legal team. This has naturally led to speculation that Boss Shart and his onetime campaign chair may have been coordinating their bullshit answers, in which case RUH ROH cuz if Manafort's been caught lying to Team Bob, and you were copying his homework...let's just leave it at RUH ROH for now.

And now the Mueller crew is talking about a shiny new trial on shiny new charges, plus retrying the hung jury stuff from Paul's earlier trial. Y'know, between this an the ostrich jacket, I'm starting to conclude that this Manafort fellow isn't especially bright.

I guess Departed Master Grifter Scott Pruitt used to get the questions in advance before he'd do interviews on Fux n’ Fiends? Jesus Christ, man, can't you even regurgitate propaganda on state TV without training wheels? Maybe the soundproof proof wasn't for jacking off after all, but for weeping in shame. Fux Nooz is said to be disciplining the employees involved, possibly by forcing them to watch Judge Jeanine.

DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, apparently aspiring to a legacy as one of American history's great monsters, tried justifying the government's tear-gassing of human children by spinning some completely baseless horseshit about the sinister “organizers” of the dastardly caravan using women and kids as “human shields.” I'd like to thank Kirstjen for helping me understand the phrase, “the banality of evil.” The casual ease with which she dehumanizes refugees is breathtaking, and horrifying.

Well, the Senate White Supremacist Dipshit Caucus remains intact, as Cindy Hyde-Smith won the runoff in Mississippi against Mike Espy. I know it's disappointing, friends, but if we're coming within 8 points in races like this, we've got many beautiful, sun-drenched, butterfly-filled, fields of winning yet to frolic through in the coming years. And Mike's already filed for re-match in 2020.

I'm frankly surprised I even got a blog up tonight, cuz laughing at Jerome Corsi is practically a full-time job these days. Like, imagine being in serious, super-real, potentially-dying-in-prison, legal jeopardy and turning to Larry Klayman for help. Just imagine it. My theory is, when you spend your life peddling ridiculous conspiracy theories to rubes, eventually you come to believe that everyone alive is exactly as dumb and gullible as your audience.

The Hairplug That Ate Decency, reeling from the news that his Stupid Trade War caused layoffs at GM, figured that rather than developing new policies that would actually help the American automotive industry instead of curb-stomping it (which would probably require reading and work, EW!), he'd just pout and moan and make some threats about cutting off GM's subsidies. There are, it should almost go without saying, no subsidies for him to cut off. Because he is a stupid, stupid, man.

The Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who doesn't understand NATO or trade deficits or umbrellas, says he's too smart to believe in climate change. I think that one stands on its own without further comment.

This week in News So Gross It'll Make You Want to Boil Your Eyeballs for Reading It, the Miami Herald revealed that Labor Secretary Alex Acosta, in his younger days as a federal prosecutor, abused his post to let mega-rich hedge fund dirtbag Jeffrey Epstein off the hook for his many crimes, and ok, rich, connected dudes get away with shit all the time.

...but in Epstein's case, we're talking about a dude who sexually abused and trafficked god knows how many underaged girls. A scumfuck of the vilest imaginable sort, and Acosta gave him a slap on the wrist, protecting him from future legal troubles for good measure. Who's the bigger monster? The monster, or the man who enables the monstrousness?

(Say, why isn't the pizzagate crowd up in arms about a Trump cabinet member shielding an actual, real-life, child sex trafficker from justice?)

Now, Team Shart has done some self-righteous harrumphing about how this story means Acosta is now out of the running for the Attorney General gig, but WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SHITSTAIN STILL IN THE CABINET AT ALL? Alex Acosta shouldn't be able to walk around in public without decent people pelting him with feces. But he gets to be one of the most powerful people in the country, COOL.

State-level RepubliJags in North Carolina, Michigan, and Wisconsin are reacting to the public's overwhelming rejection of them and their shitty agenda by attempting to ram their most extreme fuckery through in lame-duck sessions, because why should a silly little thing like the will of the people interfere with their plans to transform their states into Brownbackistanian hellscapes? So it's a voter ID law in NC, and stripping the powers of incoming Dem governors in Wisco and Michigan. Watching one of America's major political parties abandon democracy is not, I confess, among my favorite things.

So, I guess we've got the money to send President Bloated Shitmaggot golfing twice a week, but the VA tried to get away with underpaying GI Bill benefits to our veterans? They backed down once their shitbaggery earned a big fat fuckin’ spotlight, just the latest reason to give enormous praise and thanks to our free press.

Princess Ivanka insisted that her private e-mail scandal is super duper different than Hillary Clinton's private e-mail scandal, largely because, and I quote, “I'm the President's daughter AND he wants to fuck me, good luck holding me accountable for anything, bitches!”

Massive, earth-shaking, tidal-wave-from-the-east-while-Godzilla-stomps-in-from-the-west trouble in Trumpland this week, with the news that Michael Cohen has entered into a plea agreement with Mueller & co., confessing to lying to Congress about Boss Treasonweasel's ongoing negotiations with th’Russians during the 2016 campaign. The Sensei of Sez-Hoo is basically just wandering around these days, accosting random strangers on the street, offering to plead guilty to various high crimes in exchange for cigarettes and chewing gum.

I particularly enjoyed the detail where the Swiss Family Robinshart figured they'd sweeten the pot for Uncle Putin by offering him the $50 million penthouse free of charge! It's ok, folks...it's just the future President of the United States trying to bribe the leader of a hostile foreign power at the exact moment said hostile foreign power was actively carrying out an attack on our country.

Now Vlad, if you're readin', I don't have a penthouse to offer, but if you ever wanna crash on my couch, you are most welcome. I will probably dump the contents of the litter box on you while you sleep, but help yourself to anything in the fridge. Except the beer, of course. Help yourself to the ham cubes and expired ranch, is what I'm saying.

In light of Cohen's plea, it sure does look like Individual One's Individual Son lied to Congress too. And now the pundit class is left to wonder, “Will the President risk obstruction of justice charges to pardon a kid he never loved?”

So a couple of joints with heavy links to Baron Golfin von Fatfuk's finances got raided Thursday morning; Celebrity Money Launderer Deutsche Bank, and Chicago Alderman Ed Burke, who handled Fat Q*Bert's local taxes for 12 years. Now, these raids coming the same week as all the Manafort and Cohen shit honestly might be mere coincidence, but you know Wee Don's terrified the Feds'll find his private safe deposti box at DB, filled, no doubt, with money laundering receipts and kiddie porn.

This couldn't have come at a worse time for Strawberry Shartcake, who had to fly to Argentina for one of those periodic instances of Presidenting Work That He Can't Find a Way to Pawn Off on Mike Pants. He was so sulky, he even canceled a scheduled meeting with his Russian handler, probably worried Vlad flipped on him too, and would be wearing a wire for Mueller.

Goddammit, I was already busy laughing at Jerome Corsi, and now I have to laugh at Rage-Fueled Play-Ruiner Laura Loomer, too? Loomer, who has perhaps the worst value system in all human history (she seems to care mostly about internet celebrity and...hatred) handcuffed herself to the door of Twitter headquarters, protesting the Holocausting of Laura Loomer Who Was Kicked Off the Tweety Machine For Tons and Tons of Hate Speech. As you can see, this will require ample giggling/chuckling time. When will I sleep?

Seems like the recent congressional election in NC-09 has been tainted by shenanigans! Does “Pastor” Mark Harris have vote fraudsters on the payroll? Did he steal his primary against the GOP incumbent? I dunno, but shit looks shady AF, and the bipartisan NC Board of Elections unanimously voted to hold off on certifying the results pending an investigation. Stay tuned!

The Marmalade Shartcannon is making pathetic little squeaky noises about shutting down the government if he doesn't get money for the Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants, and Democrats are giddily holding that door open, daring him to walk to through it. Old man, you JUST got your ass beat in an election you tried to make about racist fear-mongering. If you insist on continuing to punch yourself in the dick, at least let us buy you some brass knux.

Speaking of punching one's self in one's own dick, Cowboy Ryan Zinke figured now was a good time to pick a stupid fight with the incoming chair of the House committee that will soon be looking into his various crimes n’ abuses. Accusations of wasting taxpayer money are a particularly bad call on Ryan's part, methinks.

A little bit of good news, as a couple of Senate Republicans joined with the entire Dem caucus to torpedo the nomination of Vote-Suppressin’ Jesse Helms Protege Thomas Farr to a lifetime federal judgeship. It's rare and really sort of refreshing to actually find a boundary to the madness, isn't it? Like, maybe it won't come to labor camps and soylent green factories after all?

(By the way, Jeff Flake finally exercising his power as a United States Senator now that he's halfway out the door is the most Jeff Flake thing ever.)

We know Dolt45 is consumed by a burning jealousy of his predecessor, who is admired, intelligent, and in possession of normal man-sized hands and doesn't have to call General Kelly into the Oval Office every time he needs a jar opened. Well, congrats, kid! We've found the rare metric where you're outdoing Obama! The number of American children without health insurance went up for the first time in a decade! Nice work, champ!

Hey, while we're here, don't forget to spread the word that the Obamacare open enrollment period is right fuckin’ now! Sign-ups are down, because the Shart Administration slashed the outreach budget, since they don't actually want the American people to be healthy, which I think is kinda weird. Anyhow, please use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!

I see down at the G20, Shinzo Abe complimented Dorito Mussolini on his “historic victory” in the midterms, and I blushed so hard at how easy is it to manipulate our President with flattery, I look like Sebastian the Crab now.

Speaking of that “historic victory,” did you see the House popular vote total for Dem candidates blasted past 60 million? Folks, Shartolo Colon only got 62,984,828 votes in 2016. Let's just say that “between a Blue Wave and the Mueller investigation” is the new "rock and a hard place.”

Maybe Abe could also congratulate him on his “victory” in court, where a federal judge smacked down dearly-departed AG Jeff Sessions’ hateful attempt to strip sanctuary cities of federal funding. Shit, go to town Shinzo, congratulate him on his approval ratings, and how good he is at tying neckties.

Sarah Huckleberry Slanders whined about how the Mueller investigation is undermining our relationship with Russia, WHICH IS THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT YOU CUD-BRAINED TRAITOR!!! We don't WANT to be a wholly-owned subsidiary of a fourth-rate autocratic oil company masquerading as a nation. IT'S AN INVESTIGATION INTO A RUSSIAN ATTACK ON OUR COUNTRY! REMEMBER?

I see Fraudulent Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was a little less than honest during his vetting with DoJ. Oh, and he also criticized Shartleby the Scrivener in some old interviews. Guess which one is more likely to get him in trouble with his current boss?

A government watchdog found that six different Shart House employees violated the Hatch Act! I love the charm of Hatch Act violations. Amidst all the corruption and treason, they're so cute. Of course, I also imagine the torch-wielding mobs led by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell if there had been a half-dozen simultaneous Hatch Act violations under Obama, and that makes me smile, too. A drunken, demented, lopsided, smirk.

Christ, that was a long one! What a week! I blew through my whole six pack an hour ago, and I've started in on the Listerine. If anything else happens tonight, you're on your own, Shower Captives.
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