TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalMaybe Instead of Preening "Correspondents," We Should Have Some Fucking JOURNALISTS (Ferret/SC!)
Hey there, Shower Captives! I'm in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don't even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I'm mostly just cranky.
...maybe the news will cheer me up. (And maybe my blog site will cheer YOU up: http://showercapblog.com/maybe-instead-preening-correspondents-fucking-journalists/)
Boy, we keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don't we? There was a man who knew how to be President! He respected our allies, he upheld our institutions, he didn't stock the federal government with petty crooks desperate to loot the country down to the lint in the sock drawers. And oh yeah, he never blurted out the kind of embarrassing garbage that makes you stop taking your racist grandpa out to dinner.
Not so with the current guy! No, the Velveeta Vulgarian can't help himself, he has to belch up up some shit about how "tough to watch” the Paralympics are. Uuuuuuuugh, wait in the car, Grandpa! You know what's tough to watch, you gurgling ostomy bag? Your empty, vapid, stare coming from behind the Resolute desk. I don't know how I manage to keep any food down at all.
The NRA is sorting through documents in preparation for an expected investigation into their relationship with sanctioned Russian government official Alexander Torshin. Of COURSE the Russians invest in the National Scrotumlicking Rifle Association! “Americans support an organization that facilitates the deaths of other Americans on a massive scale? Dmitri, what have we done to deserve such luck?”
And to the surprise of no one whose brain isn't currently being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight made-in-Gina red baseball cap, the lawyer who offered Anus Cancer, Jr. a couple of e-mails and half a tube of Hostess powdered donuts to betray his country did indeed turn out to be a Kremlin-connected Russian “informant.” Good lord, it's like dropping an Owen Wilson character into the middle of an Ian Fleming novel.
Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his team of Collaborating, America-hating, GOP CongressFucks released their bullshit “report” dutifully clearing Boss Treasonweasel of all wrongdoing. “We found no evidence of collusion with the Russians, even after months of strenuously avoiding talking to anyone or looking into anything that might actually be relevant to our investigation,” reads the report, “I don't think you understand how hard that is. You really have to commit to burying your head in the sand. Fuck, the President confesses to a new crime on Twitter practically every week. Poor Tom Rooney stuffed a wad of cotton so far up his ear he can't get it out!”
Looks like Dr. Ronny Jackson will not only not be the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs, he will also not be the President's Official Doctor and Weight Liar-Abouter anymore. It would probably be good if the dude nicknamed “Candyman” were also stripped of prescription-writing powers. Actually, Dr. Ronny seems to have a whole lotta changes he needs to make.
Meanwhile, the Candycorn Skidmark has chosen to use the whole sordid episode to go after Montana Senator Jon Tester for having the temerity to actually carry out his constitutionally mandated oversight duties. I'm sure Tester's quaking in his boots at the prospect of facing off against the dude who lost the Alabama Senate race...twice.
Not so very long ago, Shart Garfunkel and French President Emmanuel Macron planted a tree on the White House lawn, promising to nurture it with the waters of friendship and the fertilizer of dandruff. But now it is gone. No doubt, Littlefinger had it relocated to the bathroom in the Executive Residence, where he can pee on it while sobbing “why don't they love me the way they love you, you handsome bastaaaaaaaard?!?!”
I feel like Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has already thrown six or seven victory parties for himself over North Korea. One of the first rules of negotiation is, after all, “Demand credit before you've accomplished anything,” and the Shart of the Deal far prefers basking in praise to earning it.
Look folks. All indications are, the North Koreans’ nuclear test site was damaged, and they're playing up their misfortune as a magnanimous gesture to “suspend testing” mostly to feed a certain easily-manipulated narcissist's fragile ego. And, because self-awareness seems to be for CUCKS, it's totally working.
And now the spittle-drenched maniacs in Cult45 want to give their Fetid Custard Idol the goddamn Nobel Peace Prize! I'll offer up this compromise: if you wanna add a Nobel for duping rubes, Orange Julius Caesar can have it. For life. It's his one true talent. Not sure the guy who dropped the Mother of All Bombs solely to stimulate his withered old man junk deserves to be hailed as a peacemaker.
I see the murderous loons at the National Rifle Association have banned guns from their convention while Dorito Mussolini and Mike Pants speak. DON'T YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT AND HIS CREEPY LITTLE CULTIST BUDDY TO BE SAFE, NRA? I WAS TOLD ONLY THE PRESENCE OF FUCKTONS OF GUNS CAN PROTECT ANYONE.
Folks, we've been through a lot since November, 2016. It's been one bowling ball after another, propelled via howitzer, directly into our collective crotch. In spite of the unrelenting assaults, we've managed to hang tough. To fight back. To persist.
But I worry we've finally reached the end of our rope.
For you see, on Saturday night, at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner...and this is hard to even type...a comedian...TOLD A JOKE.
And judging from the D.C. press’ reaction, this is the worst thing to happen in all of human history and we can probably sweep Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons up in there, too. Michelle Wolf called Sarah Huckabee Sanders a liar, which seems fair on account of the unusually large number of lies she tells, but because Wolf also said “eye shadow,” her joke magically became more offensive than all the families ripped apart by ICE wrapped in all the victims of white supremacist violence inspired by our Garbage Grand Wizard Grifter in Chief. Because...priorities.
Stockholm Syndrome is real, and gaslighting works, because the White House press corps circled the wagons around the woman who does everything in her power, day in and day out, to destroy them. I've never seen anything like it. It's like watching a bunch of chickens swarm all over somebody who's only trying to get rid of the ax.
Folks, Sarah Slanders regularly assaults the very freedom of the American press. She is literally an ENEMY OF FREEDOM. She collects a taxpayer-funded salary to espouse shamefully anti-American ideals. She is not misguided, she is not in over her head, she is a bad person with evil intentions. Once we've finally pried our beautiful country out of these petty fascists’ claws, SHS will take her place alongside Joe McCarthy as one of America's great villains.
Meanwhile, Tangerine Idi Amin held another Klan rally in front of the shittiest people Washington, MI could scrape off the pipes in the local sewage treatment plant. He got a room full of hateful idiots to boo and hiss at the mere mention of the word “Hispanic,” but yeah, Michelle Wolf is the dastardly obstacle to unity.
I see Stormy Daniels filed an oven-fresh defamation lawsuit against President Crotchvoid. All these lawsuits could present a major problem for our notoriously strapped-for-cash President. I bet Stormy winds up putting a lien on the Secret Service's port-a-parties down at Marm-a-Lago to collect her settlement.
Hey look, Marco Rubio seems to have noticed that the tax bill he voted for hasn't trickled down to the American worker, except perhaps in the form of the occasional plutocrat derisively pissing on the serf class they strive to own outright like property.
Marco's all “Holy shit, we gave rich people a shit ton of money, and somehow they didn't hand it out to those less fortunate out of the goodness of their hearts.” If Rubio were the sort of man who tended towards serious critical thought, this could be the start of a period of reflection leading him to question the fundamental tenets of modern conservatism, but since he's just an empty shirt with an entirely unearned reputation, he'll probably just Netflix a couple of Ninja Turtle cartoons and pass out on the sofa.
Rand Paul sold out his super-principled opposition to Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State because the Poo Mistake promised him he'd pull our troops out of Afghanistan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Oh FUCK, Rand. When it comes to "giving his word,” the President is basically a stale Cheeto in the shape of a monkey's paw. If, after several decades’ worth of demonstrable dishonesty, you still trust anything that drops out of that goon's mouth, well...I just hope you'll give me a call so we can discuss some really fantastic real estate opportunities I'd like to share with you.
Did you skim that WaPo article about how Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet places personal loyalty over silly little things like "qualifications” in filling important executive branch jobs? It's kind of darkly humorous if can avoid thinking about the real-world consequences. And if you can't, it's absolutely fucking terrifying.
That's just the catch-22 our modern moment deserves, isn't it? Surely anyone willing to pledge loyalty to such a pathetic blob of projectile insecurity as Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for "My father didn't love me, WILL YOU?"
is totally unworthy to serve in a position of any significant responsibility, buuuuuuuuuuuuut...
The EPA gave Trumpal Buddy Carl Icahn a “financial hardship waiver” from a biofuels law, and I for one am glad we're finally doing something to address the trials and tribulations of billionaire assholes who would rather be buried in coffins full of money than share anything ever.
Oh, and we learned the Shart Campaign has been paying Michael Cohen's legal bills, even though everyone's claimed the Fantabulous Fixer didn't have anything to do with the campaign! Such philanthropy! And by “philanthropy” I mean “witness-tampering!”
Roy Moore has filed a lawsuit against three of his accusers, for conspiracy to derail his political career by being so enticing as minors that he just couldn't stop himself from sexually assaulting them. The Judge should bring this to its logical conclusion, and sue his younger self for creepin’ on all those high school girls, maybe we can get a nice Star Trek-style time travel episode next season.
Because the most powerful gathering of people in the world operates like a middle school lunch room, General Kelly's enemies leaked to the press that Johnny called Donnie an “idiot” behind his back, and also “unhinged” and a “doo-doo head” and a "disgusting freak who wants to fuck his own daughter” and I was holding out hope for “shartcannon,” but I guess my humble blog hasn't reached the Oval Office...YET.
And President Truck Stop Urinal Cake’s acting ICE director announced his retirement, desiring to spend his remaining time on Earth absorbing as much pleasure and peace as possible, before he's dragged into the deepest circle of hell for his many crimes. There's some Inquisition shit waitin’ for you, Fuck-o.
The Failing New York Times got ahold of a list of questions Rugged Robert Mueller allegedly wants to ask Baron Golfin von Fatfuk. There's some interesting shit here, from pardons to obstruction to one particular question, which would first involve Mueller grabbing the President's tiny, inadequate, hands, in order to force him to strike himself in his own face, at which point the Special Counsel would demand “Why are you hitting yourself, Donald?”
Fuck it, I can't take one more minute of this shit. It's NyQuil time, campers. I'll see y’all about noon on Wednesday.
Admit It. By the Time the Sun Went Down, You'd Already Forgotten About Ronny Jackson. (Ferret/SC)
You know how sometimes in old westerns, towards the end, the bad guys break out a bigass crank-operated Gatling gun? The news this week is like one of those guns, only full of bat guano. (And you can get it all, w/ links, at: http://showercapblog.com/admit-time-sun-went-youd-already-forgotten-ronny-jackson/)
Mick Mulvaney chided a group of bankers for not bribing Congress hard enough, that was a thing that happened. See, he wants to destroy the agency he's acting head of, and goshdarnit, he can't do it alone! He needs those noble lobbyists to roll up their sleeves, open their checkbooks wide, and go buy him as many CongressPuppets as they can afford! Otherwise, how do you expect to get back to the glory days of predatory lending and exorbitant fees? HELP ME HELP YOU KEEP OUR WORKING CLASS FOREVER ENSLAVED BY THE BANKING SYSTEM, PEOPLE!
Ben Carson wants to triple the rent on the very poorest Americans living in public housing, because that guy in the portrait with him isn't Jesus, but Barry Goldwater in a really elaborate Jesus costume. Sorry, less-fortunate folks...Dr. Ben needs those apartments to store grain.
Lemme give a little good news to chew on before we go any further, like a wad of Hubba Bubba to help you get through a tour of a sewage treatment plant. We did well in the latest round of special elections Tuesday night!
No, we didn't quite pick up Trent “Oh so now it's wrong to ask your staff if you can fuck them for money” Franks’ old seat, but we swung it 16 points from 2016, and if we keep up that pace come November? That'll do, Pig. That'll do.
But we did snag some nice state level seats in New York, including another of those “Republicans have held this one since before Rod Stewart went disco” jobs. Nice work, Resisters!
Team Shart's first big fancy state visit was...something. Smallhands Magoo grabbed French President Emmanuel Macron by the EVERYTHING. It was a very touchy little bromance, including a sad little ritual with the Hairplug That Ate Decency mumbling something about his counterpart having dandruff SEE THAT FEMALES? DESPITE MY ADVANCING AGE AND THINNING HAIR I AM STILL SURELY THE MORE DESIRABLE MATE.
But yeah, Emmanuel was all smiles and flattery so the Shart just loved him so much that he probably didn't even notice the lengthy speech he gave to Congress essentially shitting on every single thing he does and stands for. Still, I'm sure Stephen Miller seethed in his office, “CUCKED! BY A FROG!”
(One quick sidebar from the Macron visit: as we see, every world leader understands how to manipulate Drumpf. Kiss his ass a bit, and he's putty in your hands. And because you have normal hands, instead of little inadequate baby ones, you can shape him however you want. Everyone on Planet Earth knows this about the President of the United States, and that is not good.)
It wasn't so long ago that Dr. Ronny Jackson was a well-respected man in a prestigious, high-paying post. And then Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for "How Are There Still People Willing to Work for Me?”) came into his life. Now the whole world knows about his seemingly unethical prescription-dispensing practices, his workplace hostility, and what seems to be a substantial substance abuse problem for which I hope he gets the help he needs.
So now, his reputation permanently shipwrecked on those doughy orange shores, Jackson will slink away to join that ever-expanding club for ruined laughingstocks. There's a decent discount at the bar, but Mooch never leaves, and he never ever ever shuts his fucking mouth.
Shit, Dr. Ronny...look what you have to look forward to! Sean Spicer, who only a year ago strode through the highest halls of power, a genuinely important man, now gets to host wax museum openings! “By Grabthar's Hammer...what a likeness!,” right, Sean?
Meanwhile, Sharty McFly proclaimed Kim Jong-un, a murderer who keeps millions in extreme poverty while living a lavish lifestyle paid for by their toil and torment, “honorable.” I'm starting to think our President is not a very good judge of character.
Trumpal Lawyer/Fixer/Jaggy Thug Friend Michael Cohen says he'll be exercising his fifth amendment rights in the Stormy Daniels case, even as a judge appointed a "special master" to sift through all the evidence the FBI seized from him to determine which stuff the investigators are allowed to see. Perhaps Cohen believes by taking the fifth, he'll avoid preemptively telling prosecutors things like, “By the way, there was already blood on that lead pipe in my sock drawer when I found it.”
(And the FBI seized 16 cellphones from Cohen, by the way. Sixteen. That's more cellphones than they use in The Departed.)
We keep learning more about Cohen's relationship with Drumpfy, and it's looking more like a Ted Dibiase/Virgil kind of thing all the time, isn't it? Goon Guy does all of Rich Guy's dirty work, gets paid in abuse. (And sparkly vests?) Seems Mikey thought he was in line for some cushy campaign and/or government gigs that never materialized, but Donnie still loves you right? The anecdote about Fat Q*Bert being a dick at Cohen's kid's bar mitzvah was particularly cringe-inducing.
Well, Rudy Giuliani began his negotiations with Rugged Robert Mueller, asking if his investigative body has ways to shut that whole Russia investigation down. Rudy says talks are going well so far, and he expects Mueller's laughing fit to end any day now, allowing them to move on to more substantial topics.
Hey, a whistleblower tells us Steve Bannon had Cambridge Analytica pimpin’ Putin and studyin’ voter suppression techniques as far back as 2014! Nice to know Darth Wino didn't just roll off his turpentine-and-pus-stained gutter mattress one morning and decide to fuck up America...he's been working at it for years!
And then Kanye West decided to -
...y'know what? No. I'm not covering that shit. No link, nothing. I have the most juvenile political blog on the internet, but that goofiness is beneath me. I'm gonna maintain my dignity, and go back to making a bunch of poop jokes.
So this dude got kicked out of a bar for wearing a MAGA hat, and he sued the bar, and because political beliefs aren't protected by anti-discrimination laws, he borrows Rick Perry's Smart Guy Glasses long enough to come up with the novel defense of This Made in China Hat is My Spirituality Because Reasons. The judge explored the theology of MyMAGAhatism for a bit (Are there holy texts? What does the Hat say about circumcision?) before telling the dope where he could stick his lawsuit, Hat willing of course.
I used to really beat myself up over some of the stupid fucking decisions I've made over the course of my life, but I'm done with that now. Why, you ask? Well, some genius someplace screamed, “EUREKA! I shall give Charlie Rose a talk show where he can interview other old scuzzbag dudes brought down by the #MeToo movement!”
...and I can never hope to even approach making a choice that bad. You need to talk about World-War-launching Archduke assassinations to understand the territory we're wading through with this one. Holy shit, y’all.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon phoned into Fux n’ Fiendz this morning to ramble through his usual list of grievances and empty boasts. Usually when he does this, he's in front of a hoard of adoring rubes, cheering his every word, but without an audience, he quickly devolved into raw unfettered shrieking so nutty the hosts cut him off while texting John Kelly “Get the tranq dart gun, quick!”
Hilariously, Dorito Mussolini's blood pressure hadn't had time to cool before his words were being used against him in court. Oh, and he casually upended the entire strategy he's been deploying the Cohen/Daniels matter. It's safe to assume he spilled pie filling on his shirt as well.
Oh, and the Senate Judiciary Committee passed a little bill saying “Donnie, you can't fire the Special Counsel just because you don't want him to find out what a fucking crook you are,” and wonder of wonders, a few REPUBLICANS on the panel even voted for it. Though most didn't.
And anyhow, Mitch McConnell still won't allow the whole Senate to vote on it. Which enables Paul Ryan to stick his fingers in his goofy ears and pretend none of this is even happening. Someday, they'll build statues of this Republican majority. Out of cow pies.
Scott Pruitt, who currently has nearly a DOZEN open investigations into his various acts of corrupt fuckery, showed up on Capital Hill for his ceremonial dragging. He lied and whined a whole bunch, and then got to just go back to his job, probably in a gold-plated Cadillac he bought with taxpayer money.
And now a new report reveals the Shart House knew of the allegations against Rob Porter much earlier than they'd claimed. Fucking of COURSE they did. They just didn't care.
They don't care that Porter hits women or that Zinke and Pruitt and Carson steal your money to fund their own personal pleasures or that Bannon published white supremacists or that Reince Priebus is actually just eleven marmots in a suit. They're all simply horrible people. We knew this.
And now a religious zealot is our new Secretary of State and an internet troll is the Ambassador to Germany. Lordy. I need another beer. Luckily, I have another beer.
The President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’Beauregard, says the Mueller investigation should wrap up because it's distracting Boss Turdwaffle from France and North Korea and stuff.
Jefferson. Cable news is what's distracting your Idiot Manchild Boss from his duties. He's the most distractible man on the planet. If he sees that silhouette mud flap girl he has to lock himself in the bathroom to furiously jerk off for forty minutes like an over-stimulated chimpanzee. He spends every moment of his life in a state of frenzied resentment, plotting revenge for every ounce of criticism he's ever received. He's still trying to get Mattis to let him authorize a drone strike on the kid who got more scratch n’ sniff stickers in second grade. Let us be honest with one another, you and I.
I get such a kick out of these claims that the Velveeta Vulgarian is just SO pressed for time! Old fart does three things: 1) Consume every microscopic bit of coverage of himself in the media, 2) Bitch about said coverage, and 3) Golf. He's been President of the USA for a year and change now, and he knows less about public policy than most Russian bot accounts. The man is many things, busy is not one of them.
Just today, the blathering fuckstick was all “Now that you mention it, I didn't get my own wife anything for her birthday, I'M JUST SO OVERWHELMED WITH WORK by the way did you see me on Fux this morning I yelled for an entire goddamn hour I think my jaw unhinged at one point.
So, the chaplain of the House of Representatives apparently offered a little prayer when the GOP was working up their “You’ll Turn Over the Fruits of the American Economy Over to Your Plutocrat Masters and Like it, Mister” tax bill, asking for a little fairness, just a small thought for the less fortunate. Paul Ryan, because he's as petty as he is evil, FORCED THE MAN OUT OF HIS JOB, bellowing “NO! You pray that the filthy takers be swiftly removed from our society by fast-acting, inexpensive-to-treat diseases! Also I want to you fellate this golden idol I have of the Greek Titan Atlas, shrugging!”
Aaaaaaaaaaand now I've reached the point in my news-gathering where I've stumbled across the headline, “Custody Litigation Between Two Ex-Trump Staffers Involves Allegation That NASA Faked the Moon Landing,” so I'm just gonna sign off now before the final fragment of my sanity shatters.
...wait, hang on. The Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top just threatened the rest of the planet, via tweet, that they better not oppose America's bid to host the World Cup. I'm clearly just not destined to be sane.
The News is Like Donnie Baba & the Forty Assholes Today (Ferret/Shower Cap!)
Well shit, folks, I got half a dozen push notifications about some fancy British lady living large on public funds squeezing out a baby, so it must be a slow fucking news day, right? Wonder if there's even anything worth blogging about...
(I'm sure by now y’all know, this post is available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/news-like-donnie-baba-forty-assholes-today/)
Boy, that House Republican Caucus is just one giant gaggle of assholes, ain't it? These clowns figured now that they had the Comey memos, they'd leak ‘em to the press, proving once and for all that the former FBI director was a malicious Deep State operative undermining America's beloved Pile of Cheese Ball Barf because...becaaaaaaaause...fuck, I think these twits have finally come to actually believe all the cynical shit they screech about on Fux Nooz.
Anyway, the whole thing blew up right in the Dunning-Kruger Kids’ faces. Comey's been consistent this whole time, and Drumpf comes off like a low-rent capo trying to bribe a guy he perceives as a beat cop. Which is sort of exactly what everyone who doesn't have a right-wing talk radio show expected.
It's like they locked themselves in a small room and started kicking one another in the junk as hard as they possibly could. We need to take Congress back for a lot of reasons, one of which is that these are dangerously unintelligent people.
We learned from a former Forbes writer all the embarrassing details of how our future President pretended to be someone else in order to lie his way onto a silly magazine's silly list of rich people. You know. Like all totally normal, rational, well-adjusted people do. Certainly nobody with narcissistic personality disorder would ever call up Forbes magazine using a fake name to make shit up about his “employer's” wealth.
(If there's a silver lining here, at least this opens up the possibility, however slight, that Stephen Miller might just be an elaborate sock puppet.)
Well Ol’ Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III reportedly threatened to walk away from his own personal paradise, assaulting sanctuary cities and locking up a new generation of young people of color for minor drug offenses all while sipping on juleps spiked with the tears of the undocumented families he's broken apart, if Boss Shart up and fired Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein.
Does Bilbo Bigot understand what a “threat” is? This seems more like an “order now and we'll throw in a second Snuggie absolutely free!” kind of thing.
I see the Grand Wizard Grifter also tried to get his maybe-not-so-loyal Huntin’ Dawg to fire Lisa Page and Peter Strzok for the high crime of Insufficient Loyalty to the God Emperor, because he thinks every government employee down to your neighborhood mail carrier needs to swear allegiance to him personally.
...because he has what we call “fascist tendencies.” And not one thing about that is funny, so Dear Reader, I hope you're doing every single thing in your power to take your country back, starting this November. Is everyone you know registered to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS? Get on that shit.
Meanwhile, the ICEstapo and related wings of Tangerine Idi Amin’s immigration control apparatus continue behaving like the bad guys in some third-rate 28 Days Later knockoff. Some 700 children have been pried away from their families at the border just since last October, I guess because torturing non-white families is the last bone these monsters have left to throw their base. “Your jobs aren't coming back, we won't do shit about the opioid crisis, and we've started a trade war that will further decimate your communities, but you can rest easy knowing that somewhere, a Honduran child cried herself to sleep in detention.”
Anyway. Fuck every single person who voted for this festering rectal tumor.
Oh, and just for a dash of light cosmetic fuckery, Citizenship and Immigration Services will be removing phrases like “thank you” and “we regret to inform you” from denial letters, because they're not just shitsacks, they're PETTY shitsacks. I'm sure this is just a precursor to adding ethnic slurs and pictures of Steve Bannon mooning the recipient.
Hey, speaking of the repellent racism infecting every corner of our executive branch, NBC reports our new National Security Advisor, The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Face, up until recently headed up an Islamophobic non-profit (and let's talk about how a hate-mongering group gets tax-exempt status, when we've got a spare moment) that feeds Russian troll factories the divisive, dishonest, bile they love to spread around the internet to rile up the shittiest losers in the West. Dylann Roof will be pardoned and in the Cabinet by fall.
The DNC announced a lawsuit against the Candycorn Skidmark, his campaign, and Uncle Vlad's Russia for the thing they did where they colluded to influence our election and fuck up the entire goddamn world. The takes on this move are all over the place, and I frankly don't know what to make of it. I am, I should remind you, just a random schmo in a mask and a bathrobe.
Oh, and they're also suing Wikileaks, presumably for the well-worn, more-than-slightly-crusty Victoria's Secret catalogue that is Julian Assange's sole remaining possession.
President Shartcannon hid under the bed at Marm-a-Lago rather than attending Barbara Bush's funeral, terrified that should he make direct eye contact with Barack Obama, he would turn to ash and disintegrate in the wind.
At the funeral, America's last human President made the current First Lady smile for the first time in two years, and everyone in the world once again laughed at Little Donnie Two-Scoops, for he is a pathetic, inadequate, little man, an inescapable fact he is incapable of hiding, though doing so is his sad, misguided, life's sole driving goal.
Can I make a confession real quick? In the midst of all the personal life craziness, I've actually lost track of which Scott Pruitt stories I have and haven't covered. Did I get to the story about his pre-Washington corruption? And I'm sure there's more. There's more all the time Fucker probably runs puppy mills.
I tell ya folks, some day the 12 volume Time/Life set of the Many Scandals of Scott Pruitt is going to make a charming holiday gift.
Missouri Governor Eric Greitens keeps collecting felony charges like Thanos gathering Infinity Gems LOOK AT THAT TIMELY POP CULTURE REFERENCE HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Anyway yeah, the "Rising Star” seems to have scammed a donor list from a veterans charity (one he founded, sure, but that doesn't excuse the lawbreaking) for political purposes, because he's just gross like that.
Betcha Greitens is a silent partner in Pruitt Puppy Millz, Inc.
Checking in on some other big name GOP scumfucks, Celebrity Child Molester Roy Moore is actually fundraising off the Pulitzer the Washington Post won for uncovering his lifetime of criminal perversion. Hey, if you can't think of any better use for your money than just handing it over to a pedophile, you deserve your life.
I'll wager Roy Moore is a shift manager over at Discount Scotty's Puppy Paradise, RULE OF THREES, BOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAH!
And the Bonespur Buttplug's HHS announced a plan to shift teen pregnancy prevention programs toward failed abstinence-only education. In a way, it's the perfectly Trumpian policy, isn't it? Hypocritical, and totally ineffective. I bet it charges taxpayers to golf on weekends.
Sean Hannity's been hoovering up foreclosed real estate properties, sometimes with the help of the Big Bad Federal Government Overreachers at HUD. That's a neat little racket, Sean. Lie all day long on the radio and the teevee box to get the rubes all riled up to vote for the plutocrat stooges of the Republican Party who keep distributing wealth upwards and crashing the economy while you wait in the wings to plunder the remains! I wonder how many of the foreclosed-upon properties he's snatched up once belonged to members of the loyal audience he's deceived for years?
Another horrific mass shooting took place, this time at a Nashville Waffle House. We were treated to an extra layer of rage-inducing tragedy this time, as the shooter actually demonstrated sufficient warning signs to have his guns taken away, only to have them returned by the authorities to his father, who, in his infinite fucking wisdom, gave them back to his kid, who used the deadliest of them, the it's-literally-insane-we-allow-these-murder-machines-to-be-sold AR-15, to end four human lives.
Hey Dad, you Giver of Gifts, you...as I said elsewhere, they should throw you in a fucking pit and build an outhouse on top.
Shit that's fucking depressing. While we're down anyway, let's check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What've you got for us, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, not a lot, Cap. There's the guy in a MAGA shirt and hat who shouted racial insults at a Hispanic man and threw him on the subway tracks, I guess.
Cap: Oh shit. That's awful.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Sure. But there's also the Pennsylvania judge who calls ICE to have people arrested on their wedding day.
Cap: Wait, WHAT? That level of evil...surely no human being -
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Did I mention the Neo-Nazi rally in Georgia? The one that burned a giant fucking swastika? Right here in America in 2018?
Cap: OK BILL THAT'S ABOUT ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I hate to dump all that human sewage on you, friends. Maybe it'll cheer you up to learn that shitty Milo Yadon'thaveabookdealnomo kid got shouted out of a bar by decent Americans who didn't feel like sharing oxygen with Earth's scuzziest Nazi.
Hey, remember how the Marmalade Shartcannon swore by every inch of his too-long necktie that he didn't even spend a night in Moscow during his Miss Universe Teenager Ogling vacation, so when was he supposed to find the time to mingle with piss hookers? Well, FUNNY STORY, Bloomberg tracked down his flight records from the trip, and it seems our President has fibbed again. We're running though so many Pinocchios, poor Gepetto's in the hospital with palpitations.
CNN says Shart Garfunkel has taken to using his personal cell phone more of late, a development which surely delights every intelligence agency on the motherfucking planet, cuz even goddamn Suriname has hacked that fucker by now.
I'm sure Trey Gowdy's keen interest in digital information security will kick in any minute now. (Waits. Waits. Becomes Samuel Beckett character.)
We were on the brink of something almost historic today, with the Senate Foreign Relations Panel set to crotch-stomp Il Douche's unqualified Secretary of State nominee, Yahoo Cultist Mike Pompeo. Of course, the whole thing always hinged on the integrity of one Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky, so we really shoulda known better. Rand puts a tremendous amount of energy into projecting the image of a principled independent while voting the party line every single time.
Rand Paul is the sort of man who masturbates to fantasies of his own obituary.
(Oh, Jeff Flake also splashed around in the kiddie pool a bit, making gurgly noises about how he hadn't made up his mind on Pompeo yet, but I think we all recognize these petulant plays for attention for what they are by now, yes?)
All this after we learned Pompeo has been merrily allowing people to spread the story that he served in the Gulf War when he...just didn't. No wonder he and the Poo Mistake get along so well; they probably stay up all night, eating junk food, sharing stories of all the valor they've stolen.
And now mysterious new allegations of misconduct threaten to derail Dr. Ronny Jackson's nomination to head the Department of Veterans Affairs, allegations that would pair with his complete and total lack of qualifications or experience for the post. We don't know much about the allegations at this point, but personally, I'm thinking of going back to the Pruitt Puppy Mill well.
Ok folks, I'm all fucked up on cheap beer and contraband romaine, so I'm gonna go find me a motherfucking PARTY. Until we meet again...
Oh Rudy, You're So Fine, You're So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH (Ferret!)
Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I'm sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting equipment is tricky business.
(As is customary, you can check out this post, with informative links, at: http://showercapblog.com/oh-rudy-youre-fine-youre-fine-dear-god-man-happened-teeth/)
Now that Larry Kudlow has failed upwards from TV to the highest halls of political power, BOY is he ever gettin’ a mouth on him! He went after Nikki Haley, saying she got confused, like womenfolk do, about Russia sanctions, and then Haley stepped on his neck and made him say “uncle,” which I'm told was a shameful thing to say under duress in times gone by.
Some sections of the internet eagerly proclaimed Haley a feminist hero, apparently forgetting who it is she fucking works for, and whose policies she spends her days implementing.
To drive the point home, let's check in on what the Trump/Haley United Nations crew has been up to, shall we? Oh, they're pushing massively regressive anti-women's-rights policies straight out of Mike Pants’ dream journal? NEAT!
Spare me the Noble Nikki takes, is all I'm saying.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell kicked a puppy and dipped his withered old man balls in the fondue pot, and god knows what else in his ongoing quest to become the most disliked man on the planet. To that end, he says he won't even allow a bill protecting the Mueller investigation on the floor, TAKE THAT DEMOCRACY!
But Chuck Grassley is pushing the bill through committee anyhow, setting up a showdown between two of the Senate's shittiest prunes. How will they settle their differences? Murder, She Wrote trivia?
Oh, and Yertle's looking at extending the Senate work week, so vulnerable red state Democrats won't have time to campaign back home. How 'bout we show him what we're made of, toss a little spare cash to Joe Donnelly, Heidi Heitkamp, and Joe Manchin, so they can ride that sweet sweet blue wave to new six-year terms?*
Three parents of victims of the Sandy Hook shooting are suing Screechy Hate Poppet Alex Jones for defamation, apparently ungrateful for the way Jones’ conspiracy-mongering has enriched their lives with the gift of Death Threats From Maniacs. Hope you take him for every fucking thing he owns, down to the BBQ crumbs in his chest hair.
If Sean Hannity worked at any news outlet on the planet, he would've lost his job for covering the Michael Cohen raid without disclosing that he's one of Cohen's clients-except-not-really-but-trust-me-all-our-discussions-are-super-privileged-even-though-he's-in-no-way-my-lawyer. Luckily for Sean, he works for Fux "Nooz,” so the extent of his discipline will fall somewhere between Jack Shit and You Have to Eat All the Mr. Goodbars When We Buy a Hershey's Miniatures Mix.
Karen McDougal has been released from her hush money contract with the National Enquirer, and is now free to tell her story. Do we really want this, America? It's probably a lot of information about just how the Dopey Diminutive Dotard likes his hemorrhoids massaged during sex acts.
A surprise new leader emerged in the Cabinet Grifting Pool, as trade rep Robert Lighthizer blew nearly a million bucks worth of our money on office furniture! Ben Carson felt so inadequate upon learning this that he commissioned a brand new portrait, this time of him beating Jesus at thumb wrestling.
Michael Cohen will be dropping libel suits against Fusion GPS and Buzzfeed, after realizing he's spent the last three months arguing in his apartment with his own echo, shouting “Says who?” at himself at ever-escalating volume.
The inventor of bump stocks has decided to shut down his bump-stock-making company, but can somebody call up this guy and ask him why “mass murder should be easier!” was a thought that occurred to him in the first place?
Barbara Bush died, and the goddamn Shart House lacks the competence to send out a fucking condolence message without getting bloody date wrong. We're being governed by people who repeatedly fail on a grade school level. Like, when they try launching nukes at North Korea, can we be confident that they haven't accidentally aimed them at Poughkeepsie?
Perhaps in honor of the Bushes, Dorito Mussolini declared “READ MY LIPS! NO NEW TAX RETURNS!” Yes, Shithead not only still refuses to release his taxes to the public, he couldn't even file on time, because he can't do one fucking thing right. I swear, he's probably locked in a bathroom right now.
So, the Tennessee state government decided to punish their own constituents, because the city government in Memphis decided they didn't want monuments to the treasonous losers known as “Th’Confederacy” stinking up their air anymore. So the Republican-controlled legislature clawed back $250,000 in previously-allocated funding. Because open evil is the hot new thing in conservative politics these days. (See Greitens, Eric)
To the GOP finks governing Tennessee, statues of dead traitors are more important than living humans. And surely it's a coincidence that Memphis is majority African-American, right? RIGHT?
Checking in with Mr. Greitens, he...wow. He's basically Diet Shart, isn't he? Fresh off new felony campaign finance accusations, (on top of the HORRIFYING RAPE CHARGES, by the way) Eric's basically barricaded himself in his office, screaming "COME AT ME BRO" at pretty much the entire state of Missouri.
Stormy Daniels released a composite sketch of the man she claims threatened her on behalf of the future American President. Drumpf proclaimed the sketch a “con job,” irate because it looks NOTHING like the thug he sends to threaten his former sexual partners! The President of the United States will not stand idly by while Vinnie No-Knees’ reputation is impugned!
There was a new, island-wide blackout in Puerto Rico, just a casual reminder that your federal government has abandoned millions of American citizens to needless torment because of the color of their skin. Anyway, this seems like a really great time to tell me more about how Hillary is just as bad as Trump.
Actually, don't tell me. Hop a flight down to San Juan. Get a soapbox. You'll be popular.
Everybody congratulate Scott Pruitt! This crook finally has so many scandals, he needs a special article just to keep them all straight! Folks, the right wing dipshitosphere would've called for armed insurrection if Obama refused to fire a Cabinet level official who pulled even half this shit.
The Senate passed a resolution allowing Tammy Duckworth (or any Senator, really) to bring her shiny new baby onto the floor during votes. Regrettably, a second resolution, mandating Rand Paul's desk be replaced with a dunk tank, was filibustered.
KKKris KKKobach was held in kontempt of kourt, because apparently “But Your Honor, I'm a wealthy white male” isn't quiiiiiite good enough to get you out of following a judge's orders. At least this time. If he winds up in jail, will they strip him of his voting rights?
And gosh, it's been a really shitty week for white supremacist losers in Kansas! Three of the sorriest specimens of “racial superiority” you'll ever scrape off your shoe got their loser asses convicted on terrorism charges, possibly because of the terrorist attack they were recorded planning. Enjoy jail, losers! You’ll be displeased to learn that being a member of the “master race” doesn't even get you a discount in the commissary.
Mike Pompeo's confirmation as the next Secretary of State hangs by a thread, so Team Cudbrain figured they'd secretly send him to North Korean to meet with Kim Jong-un, because “surprise, we've let him do the job already,” is what passes for a good idea amongst these twits.
Look, I fucking despise Ted Cruz, but even I got the embarrassment shivers reading the prose handjob he gave Boss Turd in Time Magazine. Bro. This jag insulted your wife. Your Dad. No wonder Beto's surging in the polls...I ask you, Texans, if a guy won’t stand up for his own family, do you really think he'll stand up for you?
Beto's new campaign slogan: “I am the only candidate in this race who can stand the sight of his own face in the mirror.”
A procedural vote to advance the nomination of the comically, distressingly, under-qualified James Bridenstine to head NASA was locked dramatically in a tie! Until Jeff Flake dashed onto the Senate floor...to change his vote! You almost imagined Jeffy grew some principles there for a second, didn'tcha?
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Flake teased us further! He was like “Y'know, I haven't made up my mind, I'm not just a party-line puppet, I think for myse-why are you all laughing?” And then he marched out and voted to confirm the clown anyway. Because OF COURSE HE DID.
There are two big takeaways here. First, Jeff Flake likes attention. Second, he is a sad, spineless, little man, and the Senate will be infinitely better off without him.
Well, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his crew of collaborators are getting their grubby little mitts on the famed Comey memos. I look forward to their trademark Mad Libs-style selective leaking. Maybe Devin'll try scribbling incriminating notes in the margins, (“Oh man, the Deep State is gonna OWN this doofus!”) but the bacon grease residue will give him away.
Renowned Historical Scholar Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for "My Dad Paid Cash to a Forger for my High School Diploma”) remarked “Human trafficking is worse than it’s ever been in the history of the world,” because he really doesn't wanna lose that Confederate Monument crowd.
...maybe we should put a lock on the nuclear codes, where the user has to pass a 7th grade history test before he's allowed to launch? I'd sleep better.
The fuck is this? The DoJ IG (E-I-E-I-O!) sent a possible criminal referral of Andrew McCabe to a U.S. attorney? I'm bleary-eyed-stoned on packing tape fumes right now, I don't have time to do the deep reading on this. Is it as shady as it looks at first glance?
And now Rudy Giuliani is joining the Velveeta Vulgarian's legal team? I confess, it would be amusing to watch his teeth rot right out of his head in the middle of the impeachment trial...
Rudy seems to think he can clear up this whole “Russia investigation” thing in a couple of weeks. Heh. He also thought he could wait till the Florida primary to start his Presidential campaign.
Our ol’ chum Precious Paul Manafort was back in the news today, with DoJ telling a judge the #Manafucked one is suspected of being the Shart campaign's back channel to Boris and Natasha and Ivan Drago and whoever else. Who could imagine a career money-launderer with longstanding ties to Russian organized crime figures, desperate to get out of debt, would have volunteered to run a Presidential campaign for free, and not done so out of the purity radiating from his every pore?
The Kushners need no longer fear subpoenas envy! They've received federal subpoenas of their very own, regarding their shifty-ass slumlord fuckery. In related news, researchers at Yale now project 1 in 5 Americans will be serving on grand juries investigating various members of the Trump administration by 2019.
Folks, I know I've missed a bunch of shit, but the movers are gonna be here in 12 hours, and I still haven't packed my mask. The good news is, I'll be back to my regular posting schedule pretty dang soon. Thanks for hanging in with me, I appreciate the hell out of it.
*Yes I saw Heitkamp is voting to confirm Pompeo. No, I don't like it. Yes, we're still better off with her in the seat than a North Dakota Republican. Remember the ACA vote? The tax bill vote?
Shower Cap will return...in SHARTFINGER
Coming This Fall From Marvel: Sean Hannity and the TAINT TEAM! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Holy hell, folks. It’s like America moved into a giant cave, filled with bats, and they're just showering layer after layer of batshit insanity down upon our weary heads.
Well. Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for another installment. (Which you can find, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/coming-fall-marvel-sean-hannity-taint-team/)
Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin is one of those Tea Party extremists who loathes nothing quite so much as when the peasant classes rise up to demand a little human dignity, rather than simply appreciating the scenic view they've been gifted, of their overlords’ bootheels.
In a frothy plutocrat rage, Bevin denounced striking teachers as enablers of pedophilia, and no, I'm not making that up. Conspicuously silent when his party funded an actual serial child molester's Senate campaign, Matt was pretty dang certain these teachers were responsible for untold horrors, with their petty demands for “a living wage.”
We're told “Trump fatigue” was a contributing factor in Paul Ryan's decision to walk away from politics and spend more time on the secluded farm property where he houses the homeless men he hunts for sport. Well, Mr. Speaker, the nation is suffering from “Trump enabler fatigue,” and we're looking forward to a surgical procedure designed to remove the problem. The doc has us scheduled for November 6th.
Baron Fatfuk Harkonnen pardoned Scooter Libby, whose sentence had already been commuted by W, so...what, does he get a badge he can sew on his backpack now? What's the next step, beyond freedom from consequences, will he get tangible rewards for his crimes? Maybe the next Republican President will make him an ambassador?
Anyway, everyone can see this is Littlefinger's signal to anyone sweating under Bodacious Bob Mueller's lights; I'm sure he's ordered a whole post-it pad of those pardon forms, and keeps it on his desk where everybody can see it. Shit, maybe he'll raffle one off at the Cabinet X-mas party.
If you happened to have a fetish for “news stories about Donald Trump's shady lawyer finding himself in an ever-deepening sea of shit,” last Friday must've been orgasmic!
First we learned that the investigation into Cohen wasn't just an offshoot of the Mueller probe, it had actually been running separately for months. Next, it dropped that he'd arranged yet another Stormy-like payoff to yet another Playboy model to bury yet another illicit relationship with yet another Republican bigwig, this time megadonor Elliott Broidy. Oh, and this time the payoff included an abortion, which FINALLY drove the evangelical right away from this criminal cabal, as- APRIL FOOL don't be silly, ethical consistency is for CUCKS.
Then rumors began circulating that the feds had confiscated recordings. And then the recordings turned out to be between him and Stormy Daniels’ lawyer. Also maybe tapes of him ordering large quantities of anchovy and pineapple pizza, to be delivered to an unsuspecting Jeff Sessions’ office.
And while nobody else has confirmed this yet, McClatchy reports that Mueller has evidence that Cohen was, despite repeated denials, in Prague like the Steele Dossier says, setting off a whole new wave of PeeTapeMania. Time will tell.
Ever had one of those weeks? Nothing goes your way, car won't start, your date stands you up, stub your toe kinda weeks? End of a week like that, don'tcha just wish you could BOMB SYRIA?
Yes, the Velveeta Valor Thief felt like changing some headlines, and he remembered the only way he's ever gotten good press has been by either reading off a teleprompter, or blowing shit up in the Middle East. Well, the teleprompter went down when he threw the Churchill bust at it after news of the Cohen raid broke, so the Michael Bay option was all that was left.
So we launched a fuckton of missiles at a few targets, but not before giving Russia and Syria plenty of advance warning, allowing them ample time to evacuate personnel and equipment. Bashar al-Assad enjoyed a public chuckle at America's small-and-ineffectual-as-her-President's-fingers response, and resumed making war on his own people. So, y'know...sound and fury, signifying precisely jack shit.
And then Fuckhead actually declared “Mission accomplished!” This must be that branding genius I keep hearing about. Just in time for John Bolton's return. Heh.
While Dorito Mussolini’s multi-million dollar tantrum did approximately fuckall to Assad, it did cause some pain here at home. Specifically to everyone's least favorite conspiracy theorist, Mr. Washington Generals to Yogurt's Harlem Globetrotters himself, Alex Jones.
Mr. President, you made Alex Jones cry! If you were anyone else, I'd high-five you, but you're not, so eat shit.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted out a picture of her boss being all Tuff and Prezidenshul, ordering the Syria strike, except Mike Pants was in it, so it couldn't possibly be real, since the Vice President was out of the country at the time, because these people habitually lie about every goddamn thing, even when there's no conceivable reason to.
Speaking of Mikey Hairshirt, seems he wanted to get himself a shiny new foreign policy aide. A dude, of course, so they could enjoy one another's manly company in manly solitude, without upsetting Mother. He picked Jon Lerner, who was reasonably qualified, for a Republican. But when Boss Shart pulled his golf pants out of the hamper, he noticed a conspicuous lack of Lerner's lip prints in the gluteal area, and he demanded Pence rid himself of this “Never Trumper,” because his longstanding policy of prioritizing personal loyalty above all other concerns has led him to such quality subordinates as Michael Cohen and Seb Gorka.
Franklin Graham dropped by Fux n’ Frendz to praise Tangerine Idi Amin for being so goshdarn pure and prayerful and basically being Jesus but with better hair and bigger crowds. What can you even say about these Drumpf-embracing evangelical charlatans at this point? If you look at these blatant fraudsters and see holy men, don't be surprised when your afterlife looks like a Clive Barker NyQuil dream.
Buzzfeed reports that former Shart House staffers are having trouble landing private sector gigs, I guess because it's hard to wash off that treasonstank, and “helped malicious goon assault the bedrock foundations of American democracy” doesn't look that sexy on a resume.
Y'know what? Good. Fucking GOOD. Working for the Tangelo Tyrant should be just like marching in that Charlottesville tiki torch shitty white boy's choir. You should be unemployable. Let's bring back some old-school, Puritan-style SHUNNING for these fucks. Paint a big ol’ scarlet “T” on their foreheads in bloody stool.
Jazzy Jim Comey sat down for an interview with George Stephanopoulos to promote his book about Why James Comey's Self-Image Was So Fucking Important He Set the Whole Motherfucking Planet on Fire to Preserve It.
He sure did carpet bomb the Sunny D-Bag with turds, though, and I can appreciate that. Comey called the President “morally unfit,” a “stain on everyone who worked for him,” and a “man with so much shit between his ears it trickled out his goddamn nostrils.” Or something very similar, I promise.
Hey look, if anybody else is looking for somebody to go on TV to talk for an hour about what a raging infected hemorrhoid our President is, I'm available on short notice. And I didn't SWING THE AMERICAN FUCKING PRESIDENCY TO A 10-CENT GRIFTER TO SATISFY MY OWN SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, so I've got that going for me.
Can anybody figure out what the fuck Kellyanne Conway is babbling about anymore? She was all, “Ooooo, that Comey bastard! He won us the election, damn him! Also he is a glory hound, which is reprehensible, which in turn is why I work for such a humble, almost monastic man who has in no way ever fabricated fake Time Magazine covers of himself.” Stay out of the cooking sherry, Kellyanne.
We got a fun little report on some of the grifting Don the Con has been up to since assuming the Presidency. You look at the millions of dollars worth of open corruption, and you wonder when he finds time to address the nation's problems, and then you chuckle to yourself, because that's what Presidents USED to do, sure, but times have changed.
Turns out Scott Pruitt's $43,000 soundproof jackoff booth wasn't just the corrupt whim of a paranoid assclown, but also totally illegal, according to the Government Accountability Office! What does it take to get this crook fired? Can somebody circulate a rumor that he hit on Ivanka at a party or something?
Over the weekend, Nikki Haley announced a pipin’-hot oven-fresh round of sanctions for the Russians, but Putin's Favorite Pet Weasel intervened, shouting “You leave my friend Vlad alone!” before peddling off, in tears, on his tricycle.
The sanctions were set to target the Russian companies that manufactured the equipment used by the Syrian government in their recent war crimes, by the way. So the official policy of the United States government under Drumpf is “If gassing children to death is your thing, who're we to judge?” It's possible we'll be rescued from this nightmare when the Lincoln Memorial comes to life and Honest Abe stomps over to the White House to take care of business himself
This follows on the heels of an entire WaPo article about how the Jag-o-Lantern has to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into any anti-Russia actions at all. Why, he had such a conniption fit after he found out he expelled more Russian diplomats than any single European nation (this was after Putin staged a FUCKING CHEMICAL ATTACK on British soil, by the way), that General Kelly sent him to bed with just a single scoop of ice cream.
Today, Shartolo Colon said, “Golly, I sure did pick some festering turdpiles for my Cabinet,” because even a stopped clock, etc., etc. Meanwhile, the remaining Cabinet assembled to reaffirm their longstanding plan to "get Dick Tracy, once and for all.”
Anyway, let's check back in with Michael Cohen, shall we?
The Felonious Fixer was back in court today, where he and Drumpfy’s lawyers argued that they should get first crack at screening which of the seized documents federal investigators would be allowed to access, under the somewhat novel legal theory that they really really really really really don't want the feds to see that shit.
See, part of Cohen's trouble here is that he has to prove he's a real lawyer, not just a petty thug who dispenses threats and the occasional briefcase full o’cash. So he tells the judge “Yuh huh I'm a super-real lawyer, I have three whole clients, the President, Broidy, and a third client who I cannot name, such are my unshakable principles,” and the judge said, “Little man, for a lawyer, you sure as shit don't understand the law,” and Cohen went, “Fair point, your honor. The client behind door number three is...SEAN HANNITY!
(This space left blank to allow for twenty minute long laughing fit. Please hydrate appropriately.)
Now, the Hannitizer claims he didn't do anything wrong, and Cohen isn't really his lawyer anyway but they also totally have attorney-client privilege somehow, and I just think it's gonna be hilarious in six months when America finally hears the recording of him going, “So Mike...you know where a fellah can get himself some o’ them pee hookers?”
Anyhoo, the judge denied Team Shart's request, and all the docs will now be turned over to the federal prosecutors’ TAINT TEAM. And now we can all come together as one people, and share a laugh that “taint team” is a thing.
Ok, folks, that's what I've got for ya tonight. Goin’ up a little early so I can wrap up some last-minute packing, the truck comes Friday. I hope you get to spend the evening with your loved ones, or, barring that, your taint team.
Welcome Back, Comey, Starring Rod Rosenstein as Horshack
Today we learned that the hand dryers in public restroom have literally been blowing hot shit all over us for our entire lives. If there's a more perfect metaphor for life in America under Donald Trump, I shudder to imagine it.
(The whole post, with links, plus many others, available at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-back-comey-starring-rod-rosenstein-horshack/)
John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to His Lip are cleaning house at the National Security Council. Tom Bossert, Michael Anton, Ricky Waddell, and Nadia Schadlow are out, to be replaced with Bolton's own people, who're probably Decepticons or the rats from Room 101 or some shit.
Boy, Mark Zuckerberg dodged a bullet, huh? Imagine fucking up the entire goddamn world as much that nerd has, then when you're finally called to face accountability, your adjudicators are clueless old people who have no earthly idea what you even do. Like fuckin’ Orrin Hatch, who still worries that indoor plumbing might be man toying with forces beyond his ken, sitting there asking completely irrelevant questions while visibly eroding right before our eyes.
It seems the smarmy propagandists at Sinclair have been positively horny for years now to be Orange Julius Caesar’s own personal state TV. “We are here to deliver your message,” they told him, “We'll never second guess the size of your hands OR your crowds! Shit, we'll even report that the Pyramids WERE used to store grain, just for Dr. Ben!”
The failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark tried to fire Mueller again last December, forcing high-level aides to distract him using a Chinese finger trap, which disabled him for hours until he passed out exhausted with rage, sucking his tiny, inadequate, thumb.
Team Mueller is reportedly looking into additional Seychelles meetings, to see if foreign powers were buying influence from the cartoonishly greedy grifter who happens, tragically, to be the current President of the United States. I'm sure nothing will come of this. Nah, probably just a fantasy football draft. In the Seychelles. Between Drumpf associates, Russian oligarchs, and Saudi princes. Friendly league, just a case of beer and a Chili's gift card at stake, promise.
A few rumors about the FBI's raid on Michael Cohen leaked. Warrants referenced payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, as well as Cohen's NYC taxi medallion investments.
Medallions and sex workers, huh? Are they running an investigation or a Game of Thrones cosplay convention? AYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Cohen himself commented on how courteous the FBI were in raiding his home and office. “They left a mint on my pillow, and even watered a few plants I'd neglected,” Cohen said, “I've invited many of the agents back for game night.”
Fat Q*Bert continues melting down over the raid, because he knows precisely how much more evidence of his life of crime now rests in the hands of federal law enforcement. He's so flummoxed, he cancelled his big diplomatic tour of South America, because there's nothing he hates quite so much as doing his job.
Oh, and the excuse he gave, like a schoolboy calling in sick to get out of a math test, was that he had to stay home and oversee the Syria situation, and I will wager every beer in my fridge that he couldn't find Syria on a map.
Seems the Shart of the Deal asked North Dakota's Democratic Senator Heidi Heitkamp to switch parties. And failed. Like always. Because he's bad at his job. He also asked her to dress up like a rodeo clown and spank him with the opinion page of the Washington Post, and you can guess how that went.
Bob Corker, confronted with the CBO numbers showing the GOP's Let's Richen the Rich tax bill blowing up the deficit like one of those little dragon monsters in Dig Dug, said if they were right, it'd be “one of the worst votes I've made.” I've seen your record, Bob. You're bass-ackwards wrong on everything from reproductive rights to gun control. ALL your votes are shit. This one can't be your “worst,” because you voted yourself a fat fuckin’ personal Corker Kickback, remember?
Laura Ingraham keeps bleeding advertisers, despite her ongoing tantrums about the "Stalinist” forces denying her constitutional right to sponsorship. I forget what amendment that was. Oh right, NONE OF THEM.
So, a former Republican Speaker of the House is a drug dealer now, that's neat. John Boehner, long America's Least Favorite Orange-Hued Conservative until being supplanted recently by That One Guy, joined the advisory board of a cannabis consortium, spreadin’ that reefer madness from the purple (haze) mountain majesties to the fruited plains.
Hmmmm...while I'm on the subject of GOP House Speakers, I wonder if I can segue that over into any other current news stories? Maybe there's something about, like, Dennis Hastert getting punched over and over again, going door to door in his new neighborhood, telling everyone he's a registered sex offender?
Oh, I see Paul Ryan is “retiring,” should I talk about that?
Yes, we won't have the Ayn Rand Fanboy, the dumb shit dubbed an intellectual leader solely because he's the only member of his caucus who doesn't wear Velcro shoes, to kick around anymore. The Koch brothers’ personal Renfield, having actively facilitated countless assaults on American democracy by a wannabe fascist goon, rides off into the sunset as America's weaker, dorkier, Neville Chamberlain. Fuck you forever with a garden weasel, you plutocrat puppet.
Me, I think Paul's gonna crazy. All that time on his hands, no readily discernible way to shit on his fellow man? In three weeks, he'll be throwing firecrackers into homeless shelters and setting fire to little kids’ lemonade stands, mark my words.
Word on the street* is, the Republican donor class was sent spiraling into existential despair by Ryan's retirement.
Good.
Fucking EXCELLENT.
If there's any group of people in this country that deserves a few rainy days, it's the billionaire fuckheads who've been employing Ryan and his toadies to stomp on working folks’ necks. I hope you're super-sad, Rich Fuckwads. I hope you're so sad, even chocolate ice cream and pornography doesn't make you feel better.
Still, his turd legacy lives on. Take, for example, this Drumpf administration proposal to drug test SNAP beneficiaries. We've tried it before, on the state level. It doesn't work. It wastes massive amounts of taxpayer money. But hey, it strips just a little more dignity from the less fortunate, and isn't that what 21st century conservatism is all about?
A character from season one of Let's Flush America Down a Truck Stop Toilet made a surprising return, as President Infected Hemorrhoid forced the Justice Department to hire Ezra Cohen-Watnick, who'd been fired from the Shart House in 2017 for leaking classified information to a certain pig-fucking collaborator who shall remain nameless.
I'd swear I remember something about the Republican Party really really caring a whole fucking bunch about mishandled classified intel, but THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE RIGHT, CAN IT?
SHARTUS basically confessed, in a tweet, to obstruction of justice, but thinks it doesn't really count, because he was only “fight(ing) back.” Like a guy who only shoplifted that pocketknife to shank the kid who tp’ed his lawn.
Yeah, Smallhands Magoo is freaking out basically 24/7 over these investigations. And he's deciding what to do about Syria in his spare moments, while simultaneously wiping rage-spittle off his embarrassingly too-long necktie. Because you gotta have priorities, right?
He casually threatened (by tweet, of course) to blanket the region with missiles, and when Syrian forces responded by retreating to safety, he tried to pull this “I never said when, or if, I was gonna rain death on a bunch of people without a moment's thought or remorse,” as though ANYONE ANYWHERE ON EARTH imagines he's a crafty operator, manipulating the board like a grandmaster, rather than a drooling, barely-sentient, goo pile in 60 miles over his head.
Y’all, I confess I've gone beyond being appalled by Scott Pruitt's corrupt hijinks, all the way to being impressed. Where does this fucker even find the TIME?
The Failing New York Times reports the Cabinet's Leading Paranoiac thought the EPA's “challenge coin” needed a little more stank on it, with “stank” meaning “evidence of Scott Pruitt's awesomeness.” He wanted to remove the EPA seal from the EPA coin, replacing it with a picture of Scott Pruitt flexing shirtless, with some flattering artistic liberty of course.
I can't keep up with all of this shitbird's scandals. Now I see he's got a violent thug henchman backing him up? Man, somebody call Captain Planet to take care of this schmuck.
Speaking of th'Best People, the Hairplug That Ate Decency has nominated Wendy Vitter to a federal judgeship. What you need to know about Wendy Vitter is, she can't give a straight answer to “Brown v Board of Education, good or nah?”
Let me help you out here, Wendy. This is like being asked “Should we use kittens for target practice,” there are two kinds of people here; those who are appalled that you'd even bother asking the question, and raging evil shitbags. Guess which one you are?
Hey, you don't have to be President of the United States of America to be a revolting sack of human garbage! Missouri Governor Eric Greitens is...fuck, y’all. There are no jokes to be made here. Greitens is a fucking monster. Men like Greitens are why we have prisons. Send him to one. Throw away the goddamn key.
Anyway, congratulate your 2018 GOP! Party of Donald Trump, Eric Greitens, Roy Moore, Blake Farenthold, Trent Franks, Don Blankenship, Laura Ingraham, Alex Jones, Scott Pruitt, Joe Arpaio, Ben Carson, Sean Hannity, Ted Cruz...more villains than 80 years worth of Batman comics.
Crazy shit, friends. I'm sure next week will be calmer. When Jolly Jim Comey's book comes out. Heh.
Excerpts from Comey's book and ABC interview are dropping all over the place, somehow painting a less flattering portrait than the Michael Wolff book that just made a bunch of shit up. At least we finally understand why Shart Garfunkel couldn't be bothered to develop an even casual understanding of any of the issues facing the nation; all the space in his walnut-sized brain was apparently taken up by obsessing over the pee tape.
At any rate, Shartboy’s tiny army of decency-deficient media surrogates dutifully marched out into the right wing fucknutosphere to assault Comey, the FBI, and the very rule of law.
Sean Hannity trotted out his weird, Unabomber-esque flow charts. Noot Gingrich likened law enforcement executing a search warrant granted by a federal judge to the Gestapo, just in time for Holocaust Remembrance Day. Mike Huckabee suggested Drumpf order Capitol police to RAID THE GODDAMN FBI, because what the nation really needs is a law enforcement civil war, it'll be some badass GANGS OF NEW YORK shit, right?
Fuck, even Steve Bannon emerged from his sewer drain to offer his two cents, before being chased back into the shadows by a little old lady with a broom, who mistook him for a feral opossum. “What if we rub the viscous, foul-smelling, fluid I excrete from every pore all over Mueller's clothes? Then no one will be willing to work near him, thwarting his investigation once and for all!
And of course Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is preparing to impeach the entire Department of Justice, from Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein down to the last Whatchamacallit in the break room vending machine. Of course, he's distracted because he found a woman who runs a substantial Hampshire pig farm on Farmers Only Dot Com, and he's trying to get her to let him housesit some weekend while she goes out of town.
There is no aspect of American Democracy these rectal tumors will not burn down in the name of their Garbage God Emperor. They'll bulldoze the Supreme Court and napalm the Constitution. They'll take a dump in every single apple pie baked from now until the end of time. They'll happily end the great American experiment, and all for the sake of a wealthy jackass who does nothing but watch television and golf.
The National Enquirer paid a Trump Tower doorman 30 grand to bury a story about the future President fathering a child out of wedlock, and evangelicals from coast to coast finally abandoned Trump in light of his HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAH just kidding they continued screeching in unhinged rage about gay people ordering cakes.
Mike Pompeo refused to answer a whole fuckload of questions at his confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, I guess because he thinks diplomacy is best conducted by jumping out of Foggy Bottom closets, dressed as a clown, shouting “SURPRISE! WE'RE SENDING GROUND FORCES TO NORTH KOREA!”
Pompeo is a known homophobe and Islamophobe, with zero relevant experience, and he shouldn't be anywhere NEAR State. There's already bipartisan opposition to his confirmation, so let's sink this nomination. Call your Senators!
Last year, Government Cheese Goebbels withdrew from the Trans-Pacific Partnership as part of his “Fuck Obama and Everything He Ever Did” initiative. Today, he told advisors he'd like to sneak back in, maybe just slide in the back door wearing a big floppy hat and a fake beard, because he thinks it'll help him with his Big Stupid Trade War.
I suppose you have to expect this kind of thing when you elect a pudding-brained doofus who doesn't know anything about anything.
Former Republican Congressjag Steve Stockman was convicted on 23 felony counts today. I tell ya what, Republicans are going to have an insurmountable stranglehold on prison legislatures soon. Call it “gerrymandering by conviction.”
Sadly, it seems as though the on-the-record, under oath meeting between Bodacious Bob Mueller and the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is off, as the President has grown upset with the investigators’ stubborn persistence in actually pursuing their investigation. Sadly, we will never learn if Donnie's plan to ply Bob with gift cards to Trump University would have gotten him off the hook.
Well, Shower Captives, that's what I've got. While I was writing, I see fresh gnu stories broke, about Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops auditing the USPS in hopes of sticking it to Amazon, and Michael Cohen maybe-just-maybe having some incriminating audio recordings. It never fucking ends, but I have to sleep sometime.
...wait, what? He's pardoning Scooter Libby? I...WHAT? Lemme just say it's weird n' wacky, having an openly pro-crime President. CAN I SLEEP NOW?
*Okay, by “street” I mean “political twitter.” I don't know anything about the street, I'm a housecat.
BREAKING:Michael Cohen Claims FBI Agent Ate Slice of Junior's Cheesecake From His Fridge During Raid
Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit's so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac? It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
(As is customary, this post is available with links at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-michael-cohen-claims-fbi-agent-ate-slice-juniors-cheesecake-fridge-duri/)
I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained moron incapable of understanding anything more complex than a bendy straw and who couldn't find his own dick with a map. But let's not lose site of the fact that for all his more comical shortcomings, he's also just plain fucking evil.
SCROTUS apparently got surly when he saw a video of a drone strike where the operator made the total cuck choice to avoid murdering the target's entire family. Got that? Insufficient Slaughter of Civilians is the bug up the American President's quadruple-wide ass.
If anybody does seances, couldja conjure up Dante for a week or so? I'd really like to see what he'd come up with for this fuckstick.
Oh, and a fire broke out in Shart Tower in New York, killing one resident. The poor guy might be alive, but Don the Con didn't want to shell out for sprinklers so badly that he lobbied lawmakers so he wouldn't have to! So yeah, this guy gets to hang out in bars in the afterlife, telling the story of how he's dead because the President of the United State of America is cheap son of a bitch.
Don't worry, though, Il Douche tweeted about how rad his gaudy-ass building is, with nary a mention, not even a thought or a prayer, for the human being who died in it.
The $25 million Shart University settlement was finalized today, just another reminder that we're being governed by a cheap grifter who'd be pickpocketing tourists on the subway if he hadn't been born into money.
So, one of my pet theories is that the first time you hear about any rank-and-file GOP CongressDope in the news, it's in the context of said CongressDope behaving like a blistering jackass. Thanks to South Carolina's Ralph Norman, my hypothesis continues to hold.
Ralph pulled a gun out in a meeting with constituents, including some Moms Demand Action activists, because you always want to remind the folks you represent that you can murder them at any time, I guess. Attempted to remove all lingering doubt that he's a complete tool, Norman went on to say “I'm not going to be a Gabby Giffords."
Ralph. Bro. Absolutely zero worries on that front. Gabby Giffords is a genuine American hero. She's tougher than a two-dollar steak. You? You're just one more stunted man-child packing heat because it makes you feel like a cowboy.
Hey look, the Department of Homeland Security is compiling a database of journalists and bloggers, so they can keep tabs on “media influencers!” Now, most of you are probably think that's some terrifying 1984 shit, and you're not wrong, but me? I'm wondering if my humble blog page makes the cut. Suddenly I seem like a goddamn genius for working under a mask, don't I? Betcha wish you'd thought of that, Jake Tapper!
Blake Farenthold, who had already announced he wasn't running for re-election in the midst of his “I'm a big ol’ pajama-clad pervert” investigation, suddenly went, “Y'know what? I'm actually just gonna piss off home today if everybody's down.” We can only assume investigators finally found that notebook where Blake doodles pictures of himself getting penetrated by Care Bears.
The opening shots of the trade war with China have been fired, and the Velveeta Vulgarian wants you to know, he's putting America first! Well...one American, anyhow. His daughter. Yes, you can sleep soundly knowing that while countless Americans, from soybean farmers to auto workers are getting fucked over by this idiot messing around with economic forces he doesn't understand, Princess Ivanka's shitty made-in-China crap has been declared exempt from the tariffs!
The Marmalade Shartcannon praised the patriotism of America's farmers today, celebrating them for heroically absorbing the consequences of his bullheaded trade war. Maybe some day, he'll commission a statue of a farmer being served with foreclosure documents while the imbecile President pats himself on the back for dropping a hand grenade into the global economy.
Meanwhile, a trio of South Carolina state legislators (just GUESS which party they belong to) introduced a bill to consider secession if the dastardly gubmint dares to curtail their god-given right to own bump stocks and flamethrowers and shoulder-mounted RPGs. I say give the maniacs what they want. Let's wall off a chunk of real estate where the NRA crazies can roam free. Give ‘em their own country, their President can be Dana Loesch, or maybe Yosemite Sam.
Betsy DeVos has had about enough of these peasant teachers in Oklahoma with their sniveling demands for “non-moth-eaten textbooks” and “a living wage.” She thinks the striking teachers should “keep adult disagreements and disputes in a separate place,” possibly a some sort of Dickensian workhouse where the serfs can be forced to perform manual labor while grading What I Did Last Summer essays.
Boy, we keep finding all The Best People, don't we? Today we found out about Kevin Sabo, a career employee at Interior promoted to a fancy political post by Team Shart, who believes in every looney conspiracy from Pizzagate to CIA mind control. Oh, and he tried to murder an ex-girlfriend. Cut the brakes on her car. Anyway, your tax dollars pay his salary, NEAT!
Paul Manafort was denied bail yet again, despite offering a package that included a number of coupons for “free hugs.” Sorry, Paulie, you remain, as ever...#Manafucked.
Mark Zuckerberg submitted written testimony to congress, saying “Whoopsie! In hindsight, I probably should've considered the entirely predictable consequences of my ridiculously powerful company's reckless manner of gathering fucktons of personal data, but I didn't, MY BAD. Anyway, sorry about that whole Facilitating a Hostile Foreign Power's Extremely Successful Attack on Our Nation's Democracy thing. Pizza's on me tonight, ‘kay?”
We need a whole ‘nother news station just to cover Scott Fucking Pruitt, don't we? CNNP. We learned he's pissed millions of our taxpayer dollars away with his paranoid security demands. One of his top sidekicks, Samantha Dravis, resigned when we found out she's been collecting a fat salary even though she doesn't seem to like showing up for work.
Oh, and remember the other day with Scotty claimed he didn't know anything about the massive raises that his toadies got? Well, that turns out to be pure horseshit, and there’s an e-mail proving that it's horseshit, and his goons are bumbling around trying to figure out how keep the EPA inspector general from finding out about the e-mail and its horseshit-proving powers, but now that it's a national media story, that seems...unlikely.
Ted Nugent was removed from the board of the National Rifle Association for saying Democrats should be shot like "coyotes.” Oh wait. Only the second part of that sentence is true.
Speaking of gun nuts, Governor Rick Scott announced his campaign to challenge Bill Nelson for one of Florida's Senate seats. With the Parkland kids organizing in their home state, hopefully we can send this corrupt NRA lackey back to the private sector, but if you've got a buck to spare for Bill, let's make sure that Blue Tsunami washes Scott away with the rest of the garbage.
John McCain tore into the Bonespur Buttplug, for the way his wandering, uninformed, foreign policy emboldened Assad to carry out his latest horrific chemical weapons attack. So he's Good John today, but don't worry, give him a week and he'll do something like vote for a bill that gives corporations the right to break into your bedroom and poke holes in all your condoms, and we can go back to being mad at him.
Shart Organization lawyers hit up the motherfucking PRESIDENT OF PANAMA to try to get him to shred his country's constitution and intervene in their crazy, periodically violent, hotel dispute in Panama City. You read their letter, and you almost have to be impressed with the raw ballsiness of the blatant corruption, with its lightly veiled threats to use to the power of the U.S. government to lean on a whole fucking country if they don't get what they want.
As many smarter folks than I have said thousands of times before, ”...and they made Jimmy Carter give up his peanut farm.”
Government Cheese Goebbels finally found something he does better than Obama: blow up the deficit! Yessir, the CBO says that, thanks to the Rich People Aren't Nearly Rich Enough, Don'tcha Think? tax bill, the deficit will hit one trillion annually by 2020, but hey, think of all the extra money Bob Corker and the Koch brothers will have!
Huge congratulations go out to my Senator, Tammy Duckworth, the first serving Senator to give birth while in office! It was also John Bolton's first day on the job as Dipshit's National Security Advisor, so it's sort of an alpha and omega kind of news day.
Today's news also brought the headline, “Sinclair commentator resigns after threatening to sexually assault Parkland survivor David Hogg,*” because ours is a corrupt, fallen, world, and if there is a God, he's gonna flood this planet any fucking minute now.
Shiny new polling shows Shart Garfunkel has finally lost the support of crotchety old white people, at least the most educated ones. At this rate, his base is gonna dwindle down to James Woods and the voices in Lou Dobbs’ head by 2020.
Grumpy Prevaricator Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us that President Crotchvoid still “feels” like there was massive voter fraud in the 2016 election, despite his inability to provide a post-it note's worth of evidence, even with KKKris KKKobach's dedicated help.
Yes well. I still feel like my skills as an actor were under-appreciated, and I should be landing juicy character roles in collaboration with Peter Weir and Wes Anderson, but here I am writing a political poop joke blog in my pajamas, begging strangers to pay for my beer.
And juuuuuuuust when I had come down with a near-terminal case of the Mondays, the Michael Cohen news broke, and I literally laughed my ass off. I'm writing from the hospital bed, where a team of first rate surgeons are sewing my ass back on.
Yes, the Sez-Hoo Surrogate received some unwanted houseguests, don'tcha just hate that? Especially when it turns out to be the FBI raiding your home, your office, and even your hotel room?
Looks like Bodacious Bob Mueller turned over some evidence to the New York prosecutor's office (State level? RUH ROH! NO PARDON, MIKEY!) and they came a-knockin’ in search of documents relating to the Stormy Daniels payoff, possible bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and a Netflix review of BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE, which Cohen allegedly described as “The CITIZEN KANE of superhero movies.”
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet took this news...badly. Sitting in an ever-expanding puddle of his own sweat and urine, he rambled in barely-concealed terror about witch hunts and disgraces, referring to a raid ordered by a Sessions appointee and conducted with a warrant issued by a federal judge as a "break-in,” and declared it “an attack on our country,” and “an attack on what we all stand for,” because we all know the Declaration of Independence was mostly about spoiled rich boys trying to pay off porn stars to cover up illicit affairs.
(Just to put a maraschino cherry on top, the Failing New York Times also reports Mueller is investigating a $150,000 payment a Ukrainian steel tycoon paid into the Gaudy Paintings of Myself Fund, excuse me, the “Trump Foundation,” for a 20-minute appearance...during the fucking campaign. Everyone who was ranting about the Clinton Foundation during the election is equally upset about this story, right? RIGHT?)
So yeah, another batshit crazy day, folks. Gotta be honest, though...it's the Fleetwood Mac news that hit me hardest. Tell me why/everything turned around!
*Yes, they changed the headline after I wrote that. Dick move, Wapo!
1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die (Ferret/ShowerCap)
DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk. (And you probably know this by now, but you can find this post, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/1001-scott-pruitt-scandals-must-read-die/)
So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux Nooz, and because he's a rube, he decided the nation was in immediate danger of being overrun by a “caravan” of migrants.
It's truly distressing, the amount of power Fox has over our easy mark President. One of these days, he's gonna sit on the remote control and switch by mistake to a channel showing Independence Day, and then we're really gonna be in deep shit.
Anyway, he's dispatching the National Guard to the border to protect us from the scary brown people from the television, and whoever it was said that Trump is “a weak man's idea of a strong man” deserves a fucking marble statue.
If you had Alex Van der Zwaan in the “who will be the first Mueller probe target to be sentenced” office pool, come claim your prize! The message here is clear; lie to Bodacious Bob, go to jail. (If you lie to Shower Cap, I will cry, but you will never know it, for a mask hides my tears.)
President Skidmark was allegedly delighted to learn he isn't a "target” of the Mueller investigation at this time, only a “subject.” But just like a stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet, a subject's just a Giant Spray-tanned Idiot Who Hasn't Perjured Himself Multiple Times Under Oath...Yet.
Speaking of Mueller, it seems he's taken to detaining and questioning various Russian oligarchs when they drop into to the good ol’ U.S. of A. to pick up blue jeans and Adam Sandler DVDs. He's seeking information on any foreign money that may've found its way into a certain bloated rectal tumor’s 2016 campaign. Also Avengers: Infinity War spoilers.
Remember that hilarious joke Roger Stone played on Sam Nunberg, where he said he hung out with his new friend Julian Assange who is a much better tetherball player than Sam Nunberg and also doesn't smell quite so much like grandma's house? Well, weirdly, it took place the very same day Roger showed up on InfoWars radio to shoot his fool mouth off about all the shit WikiLeaks was about to dump on Hillary Clinton's head.
...I guess Stone was playing an equally hilarious joke on his good buddy Alex Jones, right? Such a prankster! I wonder if you can get whoopee cushions in prison?
Shitty White Boy Authoritarianism has an official pillow, I see. The guy who runs MyPillow wants the honor of being Laura Ingraham's sole remaining advertiser, for some reason. That's a lot of ad time to fill, bro, maybe you can run a little serial detailing how you got your F rating from the Better Business Bureau!
Clearly, the Shart of the Deal passed his negotiating prowess on to his entire slimy grifter family. Cecile Richards revealed that Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar tried to bribe Planned Parenthood with increased federal funding if they'd just cut out all that abortion stuff.
That's right, they tried to pay fucking PLANNED PARENTHOOD off to sell out women's reproductive rights. What's next? We find out Eric tried slipping Colin Kaepernick a suitcase full of twenties to denounce Black Lives Matter?
...it seriously tells us a whole damn lot about these people that they think this sort of thing can be purchased.
I see Cruella de Vil has been appointed to oversee parks and wildlife at Ryan Zinke's Interior Department. And of course the Shart Administration has proposed a rule to roll back endangered species protections, because why restrict your shittiness to a single species, right?
GOP political operative Benjamin Sparks is wanted on domestic battery charges for assaulting his ex-fiancée, with whom he signed a sex slave contract.
Moving on, in international news - wait, WHAT? This creep, (who's worked for Mitt Romney and Scott Walker) actually made a woman sign a sex slave CONTRACT? God, even Michael Cohen wouldn't touch that shit.
The Blue Wave kept on rollin’ with an absolutely PORNOGRAPHIC win in Wisconsin. Yessir, a bonafide pink-o commie libtard snowflake won a seat on the Wisco Supreme Court, vanquishing her Scott-Walker-backed opponent like the Washington Generals of Cheesehead jurisprudence.
Walker did not take the news well, melting down on Twitter about how liberals were going to break into your house to smash your TV while you were watching Roseanne or some shit. Sorry, Scott, Blue Wave's a-comin', and there's just two things you can do about that:
1. Nothing
2. Like it.
Speaking of which, a new poll out today showed former Governor Phil Bredesen leading spittle-flecked lunatic Marsha Blackburn by double digits in the Tennessee Senate race. WOW. Corker kickback indeed. Say, let's help Bredesen win this seat, shut down the McConnell/Trump court-packing scheme once and for all, huh?
Rudy Giuliani's third wife filed for divorce, in the process demanding that Rudy be awarded custody of his hideous, hideous teeth.
A bunch of military types leaked to CNN about a meeting between Tangerine Idi Amin and his national security team, because they want the American people to know that serving this President is basically like living in that one Twilight Zone episode with the little kid who has god-like powers but doesn't understand fuckall about anything.
Man, you can't throw a rock without hit a brand new story about Scott Pruitt's Excellent Unethical Adventures, can you? At this point, I honestly don't know how this bastard finds the time to shave, he's doing so much cartoonishly crooked shit.
Let's do the Scott Pruitt Fuckery Round-Up. Just from the last couple of days, ignoring the travel and the soundproof booth.
1. Tries to force his security detail to turn on sirens to get out of a traffic jam, because waiting is for peasants.
2. Sweetheart deal on D.C. lodgings from a lobbyist.
3. ...a lobbyist whose project was magically approved.
4. Fuckhead actually FELL BEHIND on his lowball grifter rent to said lobbyist.
5. Went behind the White House's back to give raises to aides.
6. Can't even handle himself on a fucking Fox News interview.
7. Has EPA employees reassigned for criticizing his spending/general jagoff-ness.
8. “Shady real estate deal” back in Oklahoma.
9. Runs a puppy mill, and opens all meetings by forcing staff to drink a toast with puppy blood. Ok, I made that one up, but would you be surprised?
Despite all this, the Marmalade Shartcannon was talking about promoting this cheap crook, this paranoid maniac, to Attorney General, as recently as THIS WEEK! Scott Pruitt had more scandals this week than the entire Obama administration had in EIGHT YEARS, and not only is he not fired, they want to put him in charge of Robert Mueller!
The trade war is going about as well as you'd expect, with Field Marshal Dumbass directing the battle. China filed a protest at the WTO, and slapped retaliatory tariffs on a fresh round of American products, most prominently soybeans, a devastating crotch punt to American farmers. Studies show Lil’ Donnie's tantrum could cost up to 146,000 Americans their jobs, but don't worry, what's important here is that the President not be perceived as “weak” in backing down. I ask you, what's more important? Your ability to feed your family, or Orange Julius Caesar’s fragile pride?
Aaaaaaaand it looks like Littlefinger wants to escalate further, and stock market futures are predictably down. We've normalized Drumpf to an extent, but I confess it's strange, watching the American President intentionally attack the American economy.
After all the years of condescending moral hectoring, I confess I get a tingly feeling in my nether regions whenever we learn more about what a skeezy slimebucket Bill O’Reilly has been the whole time. One of the creepy old pervert's settlements went so far as to demand that, should evidence of his sleaziness become public, the woman would have to denounce it as “counterfeit.” Tell me more about the “Decline of Morality in America,” Bill, I really want your thoughts on the subject.
Oh my, the right-wing Jackassosphere is all a-tizzy today! It seems free speech is under attack! Dastardly liberals have achieved a new victory in their ongoing quest to stamp out all dissenting thought! Why, no doubt Barack Obama, George Soros, and Chuck Schumer are circle-jerking all over the original text of the first amendment at this very moment!
For you see, Kevin Williamson has been fired from the Atlantic! Woe is us, and woe is freedom itself! First, they came for the Guy Who Repeatedly Said, On Multiple Platforms, That Women Who Have Abortions Should be Hung, and because I was not a RAGING TURDWEASEL ADVOCATING FOR THE STATE-SPONSORED MASS-MURDER OF WOMEN I said nothing.
Nothing except “hooray this horrible man got fired,” and possibly “maybe don't hire people with such a thirst for executions in the first place.”
Like a toddler who murdered the babysitter, Donnie Two-Scoops has sidelined or removed everyone who tells him “Hey, maybe don't act like a poop-throwing chimpanzee that just ate its own weight in bath salts, huh?” And so he went down to West Virginia for a "tax roundtable,” where he belched up most of his favorite lies, from Mexican Rapists to Voter Fraud (Gosh, I thought he'd abandoned that one, but sometimes you gotta just play the hits.) to Melania Loves Me For My Personality.
Later, Fat Q*Bert told reporters he didn't know anything about the Stormy Daniels hush money, you know how lawyers are, always paying off porn stars, the little rascals! Anyway, I'm not sure how his people were threatening to enforce an NDA he never knew about, but that's a needle for somebody else to thread.
I tell you what, it's gettin’ mighty crowded underneath The Bus, with Michael Cohen joining Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Georgie Papaderpaderp, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell...and so on, ad infinitum.
There's more, I know. Corey Lewandowski said a naughty word to Congress, and Robert Mercer paid millions to make the world a little shitter by spreading Islamophobic hate, and I see Paul Manafort has been served with STILL MORE search warrants, but at least Rachel Maddow is slaying the competition in the ratings!
Anyway, thanks for reading, Shower Captives, I'm taking a much-needed weekend off in the midst of all the personal and political madness. My plan is to catch up with everything on Monday night...see y’all then!
PS - While I was editing (and simultaneously drinking, so, y'know...don't expect perfection) McClatchy dropped a fresh story about Team Mueller serving one of Shart Garfunkel's business associates with surprise subpoenas, suggesting a particular interest in one Michael Cohen...I have no jokes for this story, but it should make you happy.
We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia...Exucse Me, I Mean Amazon
In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the children will brag, beaming.
Anyway. The news. (As always, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/always-war-eastasia-excuse-mean-amazon/)
Folks, how can I hope to maintain a political satire blog, when I've got the very President of the United States hornin’ in on my territory?
Yes, Smallhands Magoo proclaimed April “National Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” because irony passed out in a dive bar urinal and drowned. Fuck it. I'm proclaiming this National You Shouldn't Drink A Bunch of Beer and Write a Bunch of Poop Jokes About Our Shitsack President Month.
Yesterday was Easter, and the God Emperor of Shitty White Evangelical Losers celebrated by belching up as much hate and divisiveness as he could muster before his tiny inadequate fingers gave out, and he could tweet no more. Now, I'm not religious, but anyone who says we've lost sight of the meaning of Easter with all the bunnies and candy can get in fucking line, Jesus was super clear on this shit.
Shartboy's DACA tweets demonstrate two things:
1. He doesn't understand immigration policy. At all. It's possible he's actually forgotten that he's the one who ended DACA.
2. He's as racist as a Mississippi Klan chapter's hooded, whitey-white laundry.
I'm starting to think Tangerine Idi Amin has his Twitter feed hooked up to a speech-to-text program. He just rolls out bad, babbling in a half-conscious fury after breathing in experimental hair tonic fumes all night. I mean, when he tweets about “Moonbeam,” is he talking about Jerry Brown, or perhaps some mythical beast that torments him in his nightmares, perpetually clawing at his withered, misshapen, genitals, tauntingly proclaiming, “When you're a hippogriff, they let you do it?”
Stacey Dash ended her Congressional run a few weeks after starting it, and you've already read every conceivable CLUELESS joke, so why fucking bother? Nobody ever makes a MO’ MONEY joke or a CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF LOVE joke, I wonder why that is?
Famous Pants-Shitter/NRA Board Member Ted Nugent became the latest right-wing scrotum tumor to go after the Parkland kids, equating “Hey, having a bunch of your classmates murdered by a gun-wielding maniac is bad and we should make that stop,” with “lacking a soul.” Anyway, the moral judgements of a guy who adopted a teenager so he could fuck her carry a lot weight, obviously.
Somehow Scott Pruitt, despite wiping his ass daily with taxpayer cash, and now getting caught basically accepting bribes from a lobbyist, is still in charge of the EPA. And so he gets to do shitbag stuff like rolling back Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because clean air is, like so many things nowadays, FOR CUCKS.
California vows to maintain higher standards, so Scotty's gonna fly over there on a private jet, getting foot massages and gargling caviar, to try and make them stop. And MAGA nation will cheer another “victory,” merrily shelling out more at the gas station, all the while chuckling at how thoroughly the libtards have been owned.
Roseanne's back in the news, posing for horrific photo shoots and I guess she's got a show or something? Anyway, she wants us all to embrace Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, for his heroic efforts breaking up pedophile rings all over the...wait, what the shit?
Somehow Pizzagate didn't end when that crazy guy showed up to murder everybody? It just kept going, and expanding, like some creepy weirdo writing fanfic where Buffy's on Season 43 by now? Congratulations, America, you have the dumbest fucking people to ever walk the earth. Evolution took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
What next? I swear, they're gonna bring back Cheers, and every episode, they'll have to kick Norm out because he thinks Frasier's a lizard person.
Everybody saw all those Sinclair videos, right? Coordinated, corporate-mandated propaganda, dutifully spouted at you by your trusted local news team! If you hear a faint, mournful howling outside your window, that's just George Orwell's ghost weeping in despair.
We've since learned that Sinclair like, booby-traps their newsroom talent's contacts to keep them from quitting in protest. If you quit a Sinclair station, you have to live in a cave, spinning straw into gold, for forty years. Plus they get your firstborn and you're never allowed to listen to the Beastie Boys again, for the rest of your life.
Longtime readers are no doubt aware of the ongoing subplot where Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops, desperate to project an illusory image of competence, attempts to secure funding for his Big Stupid Wall, but he can't get any, because he's really really bad at his job, especially the deal-making part of it. Anyway, in possibly the most pathetic act of a supremely pathetic life, he's finally resorted to tweeting out pictures of an Obama-era repair project, and pretending that A) It's the Big Stupid Wall and B) He had something to do with it.
Just embarrassing.
Well, the Shart House and David Shulkin are slap-fighting over whether Dave resigned as VA secretary or was fired. It looks like Shulkin's version will prevail, as Team Fuckstick won't be able to produce a resignation letter. The Sunny D-Bag offered to forge the note himself, but General Kelly talked him out of it, likely because of the President's inability to spell at a third grade level.
Some jag is publishing a book, in which he claims Kellyanne Conway is the “number one leaker” on Littlefinger's staff, earning her the coveted Golden Diaper award. Conway denies this, but really, who gives a fuck?
Ron Johnson, GQ's “Dumbest Senator” for seven years running, had some thoughts on the Mueller investigation. RoJo, wearing laceless shoes and a clip-on tie, opined that the Special Counsel was appointed “too early,” (You really want to give the firing of an FBI director so as to obstruct justice room to breathe, right?) and he'd much rather have seen the Congressional oversight process, i.e. the Mad Magazine-caliber counter-espionage perpetrated by Devin “PF” Nunes, play out.
Johnson also mentioned he's been conducting his own little investigation...into HILLARY CLINTON. “Investigation.” Right. He's probably got one of those giant lollipops, and he thinks it's a magnifying glass.
Remember when poor, addled, Sam Nunberg stumbled from cable channel to cable channel, defending Roger Stone's honor? Those feelings are...not reciprocated. First Stone took a big ol’ public shit on Sammy, then it leaked that Mueller has an e-mail from Stone to Nunzie saying “Guess who met with Julian Assange? THIS GUY!,” and now Roger's trying to play it off like this hilarious joke he played! Like, yeah, the timeline is crazy suspicious, but I was just trying to put one over on ol’ my psycho pal, sometimes you draw dicks on his face when he falls asleep on the office couch, sometimes you lie about meeting Julian Assange! Har har har!
...I'm sure Robert Mueller finds it quite amusing, Mr. Stone.
So, Vlad Putin interferes in our election, hacks our energy grid, grins his way through a PowerPoint presentation where he nukes Florida, and, oh yeah, stages a chemical weapons attack on one of our strongest allies' native soil.
So naturally, Government Cheese Goebbels invites him over to the White House for overdone steaks and a rousing game of Connect Four. Which is a totally normal response for an American President to have towards an openly hostile adversary, especially one who has absolutely no piss-based video recordings to be blackmailed with.
Shit, it even turns out that the ONE time Fuck-O seemed to actually stand up to Russia, when he ordered the expulsion of 60 “diplomats?” Even that was bullshit! Now they're saying “Oh, feel free to send us some fresh spies to replace the old ones, they were probably getting tired of How I Met Your Mother reruns anyway.” For fuck's sake.
Il Douche recently booted Gary Cohn from his staff, because Gary's a fuckin’ downer, with his “don't start a trade war, trade wars are bad” wet-blanketry. Having successfully surrounded himself with the macaroni-and-cheese-like comfort of unwavering yes men, Donnie started his trade war anyway, targeting China particularly.
And so the Chinese government imposed a number of retaliatory tariffs, which is, of course, EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET KNEW THEY'D DO. 128 American products, expertly targeted to stomp hardest on the crotches of the workers who make up the Shart's base.
I don't even have to tell you this was yet another gut punch to the stock market. I guess Nasdaq's down for the year now, nice work, Boss Shart. Never thought I'd need to look back with nostalgic whimsy on the days when the American President didn't deliberately assault his own nation's economy, but here we are.
Of course, the other factor tanking stocks was the thing where the President decided to repeatedly attack an American corporation because the CEO also owns a media company that refuses to operate as a state propaganda outlet.
Won't do jack shit to retaliate against a hostile foreign power that attacks us again and again...wants to bring the full force of the Presidency down on an American company because the owner won't bend the knee. Got it.
Our old chum Georgie Papaderpaderp seems to be back to doing what he does best; getting hammered and shooting his damn fool mouth off.* Some dude says he met George and his wife at a club, and the Famous Coffee Boy drunkenly spouted off about how one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was up to goofy elf ears in collusion with Russia, cuz he wanted those sweet, sweet e-mails soooooo bad.
Like, Jeff Sessions is William Hurt in BODY HEAT, and the e-mails are Kathleen Turner.
Hey, so Lou Dobbs gets to call in to the Oval Office to weigh in on high-level decisions, that's...more horrifying than Stephen King's entire body of work. Quite the adventure, living in a country where you're governed by a petulant man-baby who disdains expertise in favor of the advice of a raging old bigot from the teevee box.
Speaking of the Best People, Shartcannon 2020 Campaign Manger Parscale seems to be getting itchy for the day when he can finally slap on a uniform and order his political opponents before a firing squad, isn't he? Can't we get rid of that pesky Jim Acosta and replace him with someone more...compliant?
Anyway, I've come to the point where the Delirious Deteriorating Dotard rambled about military spending, for an audience of children, next to the goddamn Easter Bunny, and there's no way I can top that shit. I'm out.
Stay safe, Resisters! It's all kinds of fucked up out there!
*He may yet go down in history as the Drunken Noob That Launched a Thousand Indictments.
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