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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 469

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Ferret/Shower Cap Wants YOU to fight to take back Congress!

Hey you. Yeah, you. Crawl out from under that blanket. Yes, I know it's been a shitty week, but we have work to do.

(Today of all days, you'll want to click over to my blog site to get links: http://showercapblog.com/shower-cap-wants-you-to-fight-to-take-back-congress/)

Did I say shitty? That may be understating it. The Supreme Court really rubbed our faces in the whole “instead of Merrick Garland you have a plutocratbot that hates people” thing. They're busting unions and upholding racist travel bans plus there was that one decision that says I have to give Reince Priebus a handjob whenever he asks. (That one was actually 5-4 with Ginsburg as the swing vote, just because she likes fucking with me.*)

And as if we weren't already having the time of our lives with judicial hippopotami tap-dancing on our groins in stiletto heels, Anthony Kennedy decided it was finally time to retire and write those dinosaur porn novels that've been percolating in the back of his mind all these years, leaving Fat Q*Bert to fill his spot on th'Bench with some Monster from Lou Dobbs’ Id.

And Mike Pants got his hairshirt all sticky because he'll finally get to steal bodily autonomy from all the filthy whores and get back to the good ol’ days when women were practically property, and also let's shove the LGBTQ folk back in the closet where they belong, and he's probably fantasizing that by the end of his second term maybe he can even bring back a little light slavery.


And while the media enters day 34,272 of their Ignoring How the Administration is Running Concentration Camps for Children in Favor of a Hand-Wringing Debate on Civility, Maxine Walters is canceling events due to credible deaths threats.

So at this point, the week has basically locked you in a Lollapalooza port-a-potty, knocked you over, and rolled you end over end down a very large, steep, hill.

And then, after more than two years of this shameless hate-monger demonizing the press on a damn near daily basis, a lunatic with a grudge and a gun shot up the Capital Gazette newsroom in Maryland, and five more innocent people are dead.


To the disgust of all decent people but the surprise of no one, Gazette employees were still trying to sort out who was safe and who was gone when some of the scummier corners of the online MAGAsphere responded to the slaughter of their fellow human beings with...gleeful celebration? Jesus.


So yeah, it's been an absolutely brutal week. I've seen a lot of despair. Fuck, I've FELT a decent amount of despair. It feels like the bad guys are winning. It feels like we can't stop them.



Folks, I know time seems to move at a goddamn crawl these days, but we beat these motherfuckers just last week. Remember that? When Drumpf and his pet Klansman Jeff Sessions tried to mobilize the full force of the American government to steal children from their parents in an effort to terrorize asylum-seekers out of coming here?

Who stopped that shit? We did. We the People. We the Fed-Up, Oh Hell No You're Not Turning My Country Into a Place That Runs Concentration Camps PEOPLE.

So I wanna do something a little different tonight, before I get back to providing my usual service, which, again, is filtering the news through a series of poop jokes...not what I envisioned back in college, but here I am.

Let's remind ourselves of what we can DO. Let's fight back. With every tool at our disposable. Even right here, right now, on your phone or your computer, you can fight back right now.

And if it seems futile, let me remind you what we've already done; avalanche victories in Virginia, where the new government we elected expanded Medicaid under the ACA, and in New Jersey where they adopted bold new gun control measures. That's real impact. That's lives saved. We haven't been able to shift national politics that dramatically yet, but the (goddamn) midterms are closer than ever.

To that end, I'm working with my (super-awesome) webmaster to build a new page on the ol’ Shower Cap Blog site, a single, shareable, resource consolidating information on how you, dear reader, can fight back, with the heaviest focus on the battle to take back Congress this November. It'll be awesome and (I hope) comprehensive and full of snark and info and links, and it's coming very soon, perhaps even within the next week.

But let's get a head start right now. I'm gonna give you links to the campaign sites of some of the candidates in the races that will determine control of Congress. Click around. Donate if you can spare the money. Sign up to volunteer if you have the time. If nothing else, spend some time getting to know the good people on the front lines of this fight, and use your platform, however great or small, to talk them up to everyone you know.

Just for now, let's focus on House candidates that A) Have already won their primaries, and B) Are running in districts rated most competitive by Cook.

Jeff Van Drew in NJ-02

Mary Gay Scanlan in PN-05

Chrissy Houlahan in PN-06

Mike Levin in CA-49, Darrell Issa's old seat.

Susan Wild in PN-07

Jennifer Wexton in VI-10

Josh Harder in CA-10

Katie Hill in CA-25

Gil Cisneros in CA-39

Jason Crow in CO-06

Abby Finkenauer in IA-01

Sean Casten looking to beat that rat-bastard Pete Roskam in IL-06

Tom Malinowski in NJ-07

Antonio Delgado in NY-19

Anthony Brindisi running against Claudia Tenney in NY-22

Danny O’Connor in OH-12

Scott Wallace in PA-01

Lizzie Pannill Fletcher in TX-07

Colin Allred in TX-32

And then in the Senate, we're facing one ugly-ass map. We're defending a bunch of seats in hostile territory. We need to hang onto every single one if we want control. So why not lend your support to:

Bill Nelson in Florida

Sherrod Brown in Ohio

Tammy Baldwin in Wisconsin

Claire McCaskill in Missouri

Joe Donnelly in Indiana

Jon Tester in Montana

Heidi Heitkamp in North Dakota

Joe Manchin in West Virginia

Hang on to those seats, pick off a couple of these, and we can shut down the McConnell/Trump judicial appointment pipeline once and for all:

Jacky Rosen in Nevada

Phil Bredesen in Tennessee

Kyrsten Sinema in Arizona

And ok, it's a longshot, but I say dream big:

Beto O'Rourke in Texas

Whew. Lotta fronts in this battle, but we ain’t got time to bleed. Our country needs us.

If the Capital Gazette can get a newspaper to press mere hours after a mass shooting in their newsroom, surely the rest of us can pick ourselves up after last week and get back in the fight, right?

Alright, did you donate to at least one? Assuming you gave what you could, let's get back to the gags.


While we're talkin’ Congress, we may as well check in on the bad guys real quick, they're amassing a real dirtbag all-star team over there. If you forgot about that one LITERAL NAZI running in Illinois, perhaps you'll enjoy the profile Politico published today. Meanwhile, you probably heard about the pimp who won a primary in the party of family values? Well now he's been accused of rape. Maybe he can swap endorsements with North Carolina's Russell Walker, running on the novel “God is a white supremacist” platform. Don't forget Idaho's Priscilla Giddings, with her hilarious joke about shooting peaceful student protesters, which gets bonus points for timeliness!

Anyway. There's a weekly poker game at Roy Moore's favorite bar. The one down the street from the high school.

Y'know, since I'm feeling a little low, maybe I should outsource the jokes to Jeff Sessions today. He's out there doin’ a tight five on ripping children away from their parents and throwing them into camps! He's a regular Mike Huckabee, only with goofier ears. (Has anybody else noticed the Republican brand of humor is basically just laughing at their power to hurt people?)

Actually, the funniest joke I can come up with is “Some people think they can shame Mitch McConnell in adhering to the “rule” he pulled out of his shriveled turtles ass about delaying SCOTUS confirmations during election years.” If you imagine that guy gives two shits about being called out on his many hypocrisies, please contract me about some thrilling real estate opportunities.

Somebody suggested “Maybe Jeff Flake will stand, a rock-ribbed colossus in the Trump's path, holding pure and true to his threat to block the President's judges until he gets his tariff vote, a 21st century Jefferson Smith, a beacon for HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH I HAVE ACTUALLY DIED AND THE REST OF THIS POST WILL BE COMPOSED BY THE LAWYER HANDLING MY ESTATE.

Trey Gowdy had a funny joke during a congressional hearing. He was all “Rod Rosenstein, you wrap up your investigation tout suite!” as though he wasn't the very same partisan hack who funneled endless bullshit into the Benghazi “investigation” in order to extend it for seventy years or however long it ran, and as though he wouldn't still be shrieking about Hillary's emails if James Comey hadn't been such a self-righteous ass and fucked up the entire course of human history. SUCH A KIDDER, THAT GOWDY DOODY.

Or maybe the biggest joke of the day is just Jim Jordan. Seriously, watching that knuckle-dragger regurgitate Hannity propaganda, expecting to be treated like a serious adult would almost be funny if he weren't trying to, you know, destroy the republic and all.

Could anybody possibly be a bigger joke than Jordan? I kinda doubt - LOOK OUT, here comes Marco Rubio, screaming “HOLD MY TINY WATER BOTTLE!” Yes, though the nation finds itself immersed in more crises than we count, with new disasters popping up seemingly by the hour, the only use Senator Rubio can find for his post and platform is to whine about reading the F-word in a news story. I swear, it's like Florida found a piece of toast that got dropped in the toilet and decided to send it to the fucking Senate.

(If it wasn't so cliched by now, I'd tell Marco to fuck himself in the fucking ear with a rusty fucking trowel, but it is, so I won't.)

While the Shart of the Deal demands praise for being the Gandhi of the Korean Peninsula But Better at Golf, satellite images show the Kim Jong-un regime is actually upgrading their nuclear sites, and increasing production. It's hilarious, isn't it, watching this bloated goon strut around, boasting about how America's more respected than ever before, while a dime store thug teabags him in front of the entire world?

Heh. This is even funnier when you hear they're playing the North Korean anthem at pro-Shart parties. I wonder if they're doing the new version, with everybody laughing their asses off at the rube who keeps offering concessions in exchange for a pipin'-hot stack of NOTHING.

A growing number of Democrats are joining the call to abolish ICE, and they're supported by...a bunch of ICE agents? Yeah, I guess being increasingly perceived as Orange Julius Caesar's personal Gestapo isn't good for business.

Bill Shine is so scummy, he got fired by Fux Nooz for enabling a culture of sexual harassment, so naturally he's about to be the new communications director aboard the Shartanic. I guess if you don't have any reputation left to destroy, you don't have as much to lose by serving that evil fuck as, say, a decent human being might.

Hey look, Cowboy Ryan Zinke has an inspector general investigation of his very own, but I think he's just doing it to copy Scott Pruitt, who everybody knows is the coolest kid in corruption. Speaking of Pruitt, of COURSE there are fresh new scandals, the man is devoted to his work! Scotty's allegedly been ratfucking** former aides who exposed his embarrassing “Could I please have a used mattress that the President personally farted on” behavior. Naughty, naughty, Scotty!

Larry Kudlow is finally adjusting to his new work environment, and look! He just told his very first Goebbels Lie! The deficit is “coming down rapidly” proclaimed Kudlow, shooting a nervous glance at Sarah Huckabee Sanders, his orientation buddy. “It's ok, Larry! Our base will believe whatever shit we feed ‘em! Remember Pizzagate?”

What's that? When Strawberry Shartcake's reputation was ruined by a lifetime of failure, bankruptcy and fraud, and the only institution on the planet that would lend him money was Deutsche Bank, and the dude in charge of doling out the loans was...Justice Kennedy's son? Really? REALLY? Honestly, I think George R.R. Martin finally nuked the fridge with that one.

Through it all, Rascally Robert Mueller plugs merrily along. He's circling Roger Stone, who's surely sweating the pinstripes right off his suit by now. He's investigating everyone from the oligarchs at Shartboy's ill-attended inauguration party to the Brits who financed the Brexit campaign to whoever had the idea to make another Transformers movie. He's delaying Mike Flynn's sentencing, probably because he's going to need the treasonous former NSA to pop out of a cake at somebody's perp-walk party.

On the international front, the Marmalade Shartcannon seems to be doing all he can to fuck up America's reputation among the community of nations, as surely as if he were traveling to all the world's bathrooms and pissing on the seat.

Reports say this blundering, babbling toe of a man actually tried to bribe President Macron into pulling France out of the European Union. "C'mon Manny, I'll give you a discount on Trump steaks plus I'll sneak you into a beauty pageant dressing room, anyway please do it, Vlad says if I break up the E.U. I can have my left testicle back.”

And he's preparing for a big summit with Putin, parroting his “Interfere in American elections? Who, me?” propaganda, which I guess is the America-destroying collusion version of laughing too loud at your boss’ jokes.

Oh, and word is he wants to pull the U.S. out of the World Trade Organization. Advisors are like, “No Donnie, that would be really really fucking stupid and would probably blow up the global economy,” but you kinda worry it's like leaving a spoiled rich kid alone in a room with a cake you say he can't touch until after dinner; he doesn't believe you'll really spank him, so what's to stop him?

But hey, don't worry, the nuclear codes are safe with the CUDBRAINED TURDWORM WHO FELL FOR A PRANK CALL FROM STUTTERING FREAKING JOHN.

Tantrum in the trade war as Canada became the latest nation to announce retaliatory tariffs, instead of meekly submitting to Tangerine Idi Amin's bullying like they were ‘sposedta, no fair! Meanwhile, hundreds of companies are seeking “You'll destroy our whole fucking business you moron” exemptions from Drumpf's own tariffs, and General Motors is sounding the alarm. Lord, nobody tell Wee Don that Obama saved the auto industry, or he'll destroy it out of spite.

Alrighty friends, that's what I got tonight. I'm sure I missed some shit, I always do. I'll have that new page for you in a few days, but in the meantime, scroll back up and donate to some more House candidates, and I'll see you at the march tomorrow!

PS, Weehands McNodick is mad at Angela Merkel and is looking at withdrawing all U.S. troops from Germany, SLEEP TIGHT!

*Yeah, we hang out. Cuz we're both superheroes.

**"Ratfucking" is political slang, not to be confused with "Pigfucking," which is what Devin Nunes does, in a much more literal sense.

I'm Calling For a Million Propaganda Minister March on Washington in Support of Sarah Sanders (F/SC)

Y'know, now that we've spent a couple weeks inside Stephen Miller's shitty Harry Potter fanfic, where Hogwarts is a military-run detention camp with government-orphaned kids sleeping in cages under space blankets...I have to say I don't much care for it.

(As usual, this post is available, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/tonight-im-calling-for-a-million-propaganda-minister-march-sarah-sanders/)

It's been a rough year and a half, Shower Captives. I know that. We've been tap-dancing on the knife's edge for so long, we've forgotten what it feels like to genuinely rest. Still, we've wearily held the line, we've Resisted every assault on our values and our Democracy. And we haven't done too badly.

...but I'm afraid it's all been for naught, friends. We had a good run, but Freedom died over the weekend. The Stars and Stripes retired to Florida to do bath salts and eat faces, the Constitution crumbled to dust and blew away in the wind, and the Statue of Liberty stepped down off her pedestal and started turning tricks out by the docks.

For you see...Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant.

Yes, a little joint called the Red Hen in Lexington, Virginia, took a small and peaceful stand for decency, and after a staff vote said, “Due to your not insignificant role in an unforgivable abomination, you may not pass a leisurely hour or two here, among the good people of this nation, whom you insult and betray daily. Though we have to wait awhile to use the levers of Democracy to remove you from the post you soil with your reprehensible dishonesty, you may not enjoy the fruits of our labors, or the comforts of our house. Please leave. Your cheese plate is on the house.”

This respectful act of protest has of course been treated in the media as the exact moral equivalent of the Drumpf administration's monstrous policy of forced family separation, because the crowd that desperately pretended Hillary Clinton's private e-mail server balanced evenly with Government Cheese Goebbels’ sexual assaults/race-baiting/stealing from charity/inciting violence/countless other crimes have learned absolutely nothing.

Oh, and SHS also broke the law by using her official government Twitter account to stir up the frothy minions of Cult45 against the restaurant. They dutifully complied, targeting their harassment and death threats at not only the Red Hen that actually said “No shirt, no morals, no service,” but also at every other similarly-named joint in the country, because these people are precisely as intelligent as they are kind. Somewhere, there's some jagoff in a made-in-China red ballcap screaming at a rooster...I guarantee it.

Look. Sarah Slanders is in the business of destroying America as we know it. That is her job, and she executes it with great enthusiasm. She lies professionally; and not the petty lies of the everyday politician, seeking to dodge accountability for a broken campaign promise or an extra-marital affair. She tells massive, gaslighting lies, aimed at destroying the very concept of objective reality, building in its place an Orwell-for-Dummies system where the state decides what's real and what's not, and all the pesky Jim Acostas of the world have cots waiting for them in the labor camps.

She is an evil person doing evil work on behalf of evil people. She should be pelted with the feces of all God's creatures, from the lowly droppings of the tiniest lizard to the majestic turds of the blue whale, every single time she leaves her fucking house.

Sarah clearly inherited her shameless villainy from her Affable HateYokel Dad, Mike. Ol’ Chuckle Huck, who's supported more pedophiles than a Roy Moore super PAC, is somehow ethically capable of transitioning seamlessly from tweeting straight-up white supremacist propaganda to whining about the “bigotry” of decent people refusing to serve his freedom-loathing, propaganda-belching, truth-annihilating offspring, all with the sneering condescension of a self-proclaimed “man of god.”

Anyway, the Uncredible Huck marched right back out to her Podium o’ Bullshit today, lectured the media about civility for a bit before shitting out all the same old lies, from “Democrats want open borders” to “separating families is the law,” to “lots of women want to date Stephen Miller.”

While the media class staged an elaborate ceremonial circle-jerk around the ridiculous “civility” debate, the administration constructed a fresh new bureaucratic hellscape. "Well, while we can't snatch any NEW kids away from their parents, we've still got 2,000 and change already in custody to play with! Tell you what, Mom, you can have your precious baby girl back! All you have to do is sign this paper renouncing your asylum claims for all time! I suppose you could always claim your legal rights, but who knows what might happen to your little angel in all that time?” oozes Jeff Sessions, as he holds out a pen...

Hey, d'you know what's For Cucks? Due process, that's what! The Tantruming Tangelo Toddler filled up a whole Sam's Club economy-size package of diapers over the fact that he can't just point his embarrassingly-wee finger at anyone he wants deported and have ‘em catapulted over the Big Stupid Wall he'll never get built.

Golly gee, I don't know why everybody's makin’ Nazi comparisons! It's only the white supremacist President who opened internment camps for children asking for a private security force that can punish anyone it likes without judicial oversight! DOES THAT TRIGGER YOU, LIBTARDS?

Sometimes we get so caught up in this petty little man's boundless hatred and malice that it's easy to overlook how he's also crazier than Nicholas Cage at an audition for a Charles Manson biopic. At a hate rally (yeah, the President of the United States regularly stages hate rallies, that's just something that happens now) motherfucker AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOS OF GANG VIOLENCE VICTIMS.

What the living fuck? How many Pixie Stix do you have to snort before you think, “you know what these grieving families whose tragedies I'm exploiting to stir up race hatred would really love? AN AUTHENTIC DONALD-TRUMP-SIGNED PICTURE OF THEIR DEAD KID! You should get that appraised! If you have any other kids, I bet you can put them through college on this SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF YOUR MURDERED CHILD!”

...anyone batshit enough to behave that way is a stone's throw away from ejaculating on the corpse at an open-casket funeral, is all I'm sayin’.

Yeah, he's one zany guy, that Idiot Manchild President of ours. One minute he's seething about something Jimmy Fallon said, and you can't help but laugh at the crippling insecurities that have prevented him from enjoying a single moment of his seven decades of life. The next, he's inciting violence against a sitting U.S. Congresswoman, and the insecurities don't seem quite so funny.

By the way, as these horny-for-fascism rat bastards focus on terrorizing asylum-seekers, the Shart's own Justice Department warns that this dumbfuck effort to keep America just a little whiter for just a little longer is diverting needed resources from the allegedly-all-important business of combating drug trafficking. I'm sure Don the Con understand this; more portraits to autograph down the line, you see...

Meanwhile Donnie Dotard's dipshit trade war is rackin’ up casualties...among American workers! One of Missouri's largest nail manufacturers has already laid off 60 employees, and worries it could be out of business by Labor Day! Tariffs have forced Harley-Davidson to move some production out of the country! To those who lose their jobs, your President thanks you for your sacrifice, and wants you to know it will not be in vain! JUST KIDDING this is all just one big ego trip and he certainly doesn't give a flying rat's ass about any of you!

Politico published an amusing little piece exploring how working for the white nationalist scumfuck currently polluting the Oval Office is the ultimate cock-blocker, I guess cuz whoever handles HR for that Clowncar Full of Rectums vastly overstated the aphrodisiac qualities of opening concentration camps for children. Yeah, sorry kids, no decent human being will ever fuck you again, but I'm told the incel message boards are lovely this time of year.

Truly Earth-shattering news today, as somebody finally managed to say something so racist on Fux Nooz that they got suspended instead of promoted! Former Shart campaign official David Bossie not only casually flung a slur at a black panelist, he did so while defending the President and his party...from charges of racism. Truth is stranger, and much much dumber, than fiction.

Erik Prince has turned his phone and computer over to Bodacious Bob Mueller's team. FBI investigators are reportedly disturbed that the folder marked “porn” contains nothing but videos of civilians dying in air strikes.

Speaking of Mueller, looks like he's bashfully batting his eyes at one of Roger Stone's buddies, sayin’ “Hey big boy, why don't you come on over here for an interview,” but the dude doesn't want to be known as a "rat,” preferring his existing reputation as a "grundle-huffing shitweasel,” which of course is the scientific term for “a friend of Roger Stone.”

And of course there were fresh new allegations of corruption for our old pal Scott Pruitt. I actually wrote that sentence two minutes after I posted my last blog, knowing full well it would prove true by the time I posted this one.

Big congratulations to every political journalist who shat out a think piece about the Marmalade Shartcannon winning so very very hard because his approval ratings were at their highest even as his inhuman depravity reached new and appalling depths. Any editor with half a brain (or, fuck, even with a semi-ripe cauliflower between their ears) would've told you, “Hold up, Daddy-O, let's wait and see how the CONCENTRATION CAMPS play out with the public before we print that one,” and sure enough, the number plummeted faster than Shartboy's Nobel prize chances.

Oh, before we go, Bill at the Abject Horror Desk has something he'd like to bring to our attention. What've you got, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, NBC reports that President Trump has increasingly stopped listening to Jim Mattis, shutting him out entirely on several major decisions.

Well, that doesn't sound that bad, Bill! Just good ol’ Washington gossip!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: McMaster and Cohn gone. Mattis and Kelly sidelined. While John Bolton and Stephen Miller frolic freely through the corridors of power. Suddenly we're in a 90-front trade war and the military is opening tent cities to detain little kids. There's no adult supervision left, and not only are kids high on candy and soda pop, but they have nuclear codes.

Ah, well, when you put it like that...



...we're all gonna die.

Alright, that's all I've got tonight, chums. I probably missed something, but sifting through ALL THE GODDAMN POSTS ABOUT CIVILITY really decimated my capacity for news today.

Welcome to the All-New, All-Civil Blog! (Civility is a Trademark of the New York Times Company) F/SC

As the nation grapples with issues like “Is the free press really worth the trouble?” and, “Baby jails, Good, or Nah?” the New York Times helpfully reminds us that the REAL problem in America today is an all-around lack of civility, on all sides, shame on everyone. Equally.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap hasn't always been the most civil fellow, but that changes here and now! Tonight I introduce a kinder, gentler, politer, both-sides-er Shower Cap blog! (Which you can find, with helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-all-new-all-civil-shower-cap-blog-civility-is-a-trademark-of-the-new-york-times-company/)

(For optimal civility-maximizing effect, please read the following blog post to yourself in the snottiest British accent you can muster. Rex Harrison would be sufficient, but if you can find your way to full Tim-Roth-in-ROB-ROY, that would be ideal.)

'Twould appear Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, seeking only to unwind at a local Mexican restaurant following a hard day's work supervising the state-sponsored terrorizing of refugee children, was instead met with protesters who rather rudely suggested she should feel bad about terrorizing refugee children.

Why, even STEPHEN MILLER, that saintly youth, faced protesters while dining at, again, a Mexican restaurant. I ask you, dear reader, can a man not devote his entire life to unashamed white supremacy without being tauntingly called a fascist while enjoying the cuisine of the very people he seeks to oppress?

Shame on these protesters! Uncouth louts! In the future, when encountering this administration's villainous Capos in the public square, remember to bow or curtsy before explaining, in a firm but respectful tone, that turd-gargling fascists such as they are most unwelcome in the company of decent folk. Should they choose to maintain their presence, you may then, POLITELY invite them to lick your asshole until it's as clean as the day you were born. There's no reason to be discourteous about any of this.

Turns out Mike Huckabee, Friend of Pedophiles, will happily rent space on his famed Criminally Unfunny Twitter Page to any willing foreign power, provided the price is right. Wait, is it indecorous of me to mention the latest evidence discrediting a moralizing hack whose word is literally for sale? Would it shatter the entirely fraudulent idea that ol’ Chuckle Huck is a “man of God,” rather than an “affable hate monger?” Well, we can't have that. Pretend I never said a thing.

As has been rumored for a while now, Nikki Haley withdrew the USA from the United Nations Human Rights Council, perhaps over their refusal to rebrand as the United Nations Rich and Mostly White People's Rights Council. Haley's tenure as U.N. Ambassador has been marked mostly by bullying and failure, not unlike Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, who I will now pretend is basically the chair of the DNC, because wha

McClatchy posted a really fantastic, well-researched article on various shady-ass Russians funneling millions in cash to the Grand Wizard Grifter via real estate purchases, often through shell companies. Yes, this almost certainly indicates the President's involvement in criminal money laundering, but as we all know, it's really rather gauche to discuss money in public, so I'm afraid we'll just have to let this one slide, old boy.

More than 600 members of the United Methodist Church have brought church charges against the President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, because of the whole “children in cages” thing. If and when Sessions is excommunicated from his church for his crimes against humanity, I hope he'll be granted the courtesy of having the news delivered tastefully, on quality, perhaps even scented, stationary. “Mr. Sessions, we regret to inform you that you are evil shitsack, and a soulless horror of a man. Still, we wish you well in your inevitable damnation.” And there should be a thin mint in the envelope, because we're not savages.

President Shartca- no no, that's far too uncivil, that simply won't do...President MarginallyNaughtyBoy offered his latest justification for his ever-escalating trade war with our really quite patient neighbor to the north, an unhinged rant about - oh excuse me, (CIVILITY, CAP!) a...an intriguingly-novel-if-not-as-yet-supported theory about Canadians smuggling shoes over the border en masse. I guess.

In the spirit of bothsidesism, I must now provided a countering example of something equally batshit from a liberal source, so...gimmie a few days, I need to kidnap Howard Dean, force-feed him a bunch of bath salts, and lock him in a room with nothing but Pixie Stix and old Battlestar Galactica DVDs for a week or so.

Corey Lewandowski, always an unusually polite young man who rarely physically assaults female journalists, demonstrated the lengths to which the President's inner circle will go to preserve comity in our political discourse, by mocking a child with Down syndrome who had been stolen from her mother by the government of the United States. Still, Mr Lewandowski, I must interject. I shouldn't wish to make you uncomfortable, but don't you think it was a bit rude of you to interrupt while someone else was speaking?

Alas, Corey has been let go from his high-dollar speaking engagement booking agency. That was one mightily expensive “womp womp” sir! Your commitment to being an absolute festering sack of rhino shit has cost you tens of thousands of dollars, though I suppose Democrats are to blame for not doing more to reach out to the “laughing at the most vulnerable among us” demographic.

Y'know, I think I'm getting a handle on this “civility” stuff. I'm on a fuckin’ roll, y’all.

So let's get back to Kirstjen Nielsen. You know, a lot of people are shitting on Kirstjen for her shameful complicity in the administration's policy of ripping families apart and sending kids to concentration camps, but now I see how unfair this is. We need to be more open-minded, people! We need to find room in our hearts to ALSO shit on Kirstjen for lying over and over again about the Russians interfering in the 2016 election on behalf of her Idiot Klansman boss.

Now, it must be said that while the President of the United States once again held a lie-filled, race-baiting, hate rally last night, and that this is perhaps something less than a good thing, I'll remind you that a few days ago a film actor said “Fuck,” not once but TWICE at an awards ceremony, and I'm sure you'll agree that was equally undesirable. Mathematically equal. In fact, it's being reported that a number of the children being detained by the American government in internment camps have ceased crying out for their lost fathers and mothers, and now wail at all hours of the day and night for Robert De Niro to please watch his language.

(But let us at least give thanks, because finally, FINALLY, after nearly three years of gifting the Velveeta Vulgarian with billions of dollars worth of free airtime, no network save Fux Nooz carried this latest Festival of Hate and Spittle live. Let's hope that lesson sticks.)

Michael Cohen, who is up to his dead, empty, eyeballs in legal trouble, resigned from the RNC, which had somehow not fired him yet. Perhaps they were too busy refusing to return Steve Wynn's donations. On the other hand, Democrats promptly returned Harvey Weinstein's money, or passed it on to charities, and if it's all the same to you, I'm going to pretend that these two things are morally equivalent. To do otherwise would be...uncivil.

Not even the most dedicated bothsideser can justify the cartoonish depths of Scott Pruitt's corruption, but surely we can all join together as one people, regardless of race, creed, or color, and share a mad-eyed laugh that he's now been caught spending millions on “security,” including thousands on...on “tactical pants," and somehow, he'll still have a job tomorrow morning. We're all just blind drunk in the slums of Wonderland, and Scott Pruitt has hoarded all the Eat Me cakes in his soundproof booth, so there's no hope of escape.

What's this? Oh, I see the GOP is once again proposing massive reductions to the safety net, this time seeking $1.5 trillion in Medicare and Medicaid cuts. Weird how neatly that number syncs up with their massive tax giveaway to the rich, isn't it? But I certainly wouldn't be so...uncivil...as to bring that up.

Paul Manafort, who has now been in jail for nearly a week await trail, finds himself more #Manafucked than ever before, with a judge denying his request to pretty please suppress the evidence seized from his storage unit not that it's incriminating or anything. In other, less civil times, I may have laughed at Mr. Manafort's misfortune. I may have mailed him cupcakes that turned out to be made from dog food. I may have collected his tears in a jar, just to DIP MY BALLS in them.

...but I'm above all that now.

Melania visited a border detention facility for a quick photo op with some imprisoned children, and she...um...she seems to have worn a jacket with “I Really Don't Care, Do U?” printed on it...and um...all I'm saying is, my civility bone has had an awful lot of stress put on it today, and...look, could you maybe have worn one of the hundreds of millions of jackets in the world that DOESN'T FUCKING SAY “I DON'T CARE” ON IT, you dizzy idiot?

And The Federalist most courteously published a think piece in which the author furiously masturbated to violent fantasies of murdering, even scalping liberals because...who knows, some unhinged shit about tyranny and “57 genders,” but I'm pretty sure I saw Dick Durbin eat his salad with a dinner fork one time so once again I assure you the problem is civility, and that both sides are equally to blame.

Hey, here's a fun little story about a completely insane person who works at the Department of Health and Human Services, with a lengthy history of ranting about pizzagate and “spirit cooking” and all kinds of lunatic racist trash, but Democrats are JUST AS GUILTY, don't you remember that thing where...um...HOLY SHIT LOOK OVER THERE, ISN'T THAT ADAM LEVINE? (Scampers away while your head is turned.).

See, that wasn't so hard, was it? I got through the whole week's news recap without being ungentlemanly, and it wasn't even -

Pardon me, what?

No no, I covered everything. I'm very thorough.

Oh, the camps? The internment camps for children? Oh. Um...sure. I can totally cover that stuff, while maintaining my delicately-balanced centrism, my dedication to civility at any cost. Easy peasy!

So where were we? Ah yes, the Shart Admin-er, Trump Administration had instituted a policy of separating children from their parents at the southern border. This was done, with the open admission of multiple high-ranking officials, as a “deterrent,” effectively using the fear and trauma inflicted by the state ON CHILDREN to discourage other asylum-seekers from coming to the U.S., which of course is terrorism.

But surely it's ungracious to assign such motives even when there's...um...video documentation of Jeff Sessions announcing them with such unabashed pride you know he had to race offstage before he creamed his pants with the pure orgasmic joy of inflicting so much suffering on non-white people.

And ok, you're learning more and more about government employees confiscating toys and rosaries from the kids we're detaining. And there are accusations of children being drugged against their will. Being physically abused. And while we know the United States Government now operates motherfucking JAILS FOR BABIES, we still can't seem to pin down where the girls are, and these rat bastards are releasing pathetically out-of-date photographs hoping nobody will notice. Oh, and they're hiring dudes who've been caught with child pornography to work at their CAMPS FOR CHILDREN and I have to confess I'm pretty much at the end of my civility rope.

Because when I watch Laura Ingraham refer to these detention facilities as “summer camps,” I see the face of human evil. Laura Ingraham is the kind of person who would merrily lock a gas chamber door and flip the switch. That's the sad, simple, truth, everybody fucking knows it, and if your think it's “uncivil” to point that out, I invite you to dine on the contents of my cat's litter box.

And America saw this fuckery, and rose up and said “OH HELL NO.” We did not treat the perpetrators of these atrocities with courtesy, with civility, because they did not deserve it. We called them monsters, because they are monsters. We called them fuckheads, because they are fuckheads. We called them soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan's cum because they ARE soulless, scum-sucking, excrement-munching, inhuman bastards whose very blood is Satan's cum.

Objectively. It's been proven by science. And they are welcome, civility be damned, to surgically attach themselves to the business end of my colon and enjoy the post-digestion fruits of my somewhat-less-than-optimal dietary habits.

These people are BROKEN. The gift of a human life, with a human soul, in a human body, is a miracle. To warp those gifts with hatred, as the men and women who currently run our country have, is a crime against humanity, and a crime against yourself.

Donald Trump, is sad, small, man. A petty, hateful, man, damaged beyond repair by his insecurities. And he's surrounded himself with a cabal of pretty much the shittiest human beings America has ever manufactured, sycophants and enablers and balding bigot dirtbags, all happy to egg him on as he plunges our beautiful country into darkness.

But we beat ‘em this week. Not a perfect, or complete victory, but an immensely important one. Not since the early days of the racist travel ban have these evil fucks attempted such wholesale annihilation of America's values. And not since those same days have the decent people of this nation risen up and said "Not on my watch, you tumor-felching carnies.”

So we called them out on their filthy lies and forced them to retreat, at least a little bit, and WE SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT THAT. It's not enough, not nearly enough. They're still detaining families. They're still going to court seeking the right to detain families indefinitely. They feel no obligation whatsoever to reunite the families they've sundered, because, and NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THIS FACT...because they are, in the end, totally immoral people.

But we knocked ‘em back. They felt our power, and they fear us. They should. November is closer than ever.

The President is a White Supremacist Terrorist and Other Hilarious, Hilarious Jokes.

Having a hard time with this one, friends. The gags don't come as easily when when you're dealing with atrocity, rather than the standard buffoonery. Like, “Didja hear the one about racist fascist president who took thousands of children hostage?” There's no punchline, just horror, sorrow, and rage.

(Tonight's blog is crap, the computer ate my last round of editing and my links. Nevertheless, I'm still at: http://showercapblog.com/the-president-is-a-white-supremacist-terrorist-and-other-hilarious-hilarious-jokes/)

Things're so shitty, I can barely enjoy the fact that Paul Manafort has been sent to jail since the last time we touched base. I should be in the hospital right now, having ruptured my fucking gut laughing at the image of that cheap crook, rotting away in a cell, having finally found a problem he couldn't RichWhiteGuy himself out of.

But I'm sitting here listening to a recording of children crying out for their parents in a fucking government-run detention camp, and I confess I can't find much to laugh about.

Ok. We can do this. Start with something light.

Oh, I know. How about the thing where Weehands McNodick, desperate to spin his diplomatic debacle in Singapore, fabricated a brigade of grieving parents of those who died in the Korean War, because he can't find anyone who's actually still alive to deliver the praise he craves. Now, everybody's been calling him out on what seems to be a rather obvious falsehood (the parents of Korean War soldiers would all be well over 100 by now), but what if it's true? What if he's being haunted? What if he's constantly swarmed by the shrieking spirits of the restless dead, demanding recompense for forgotten wounds?

...it might explain the irrational behavior, the lack of attention to detail, the inability to competently groom himself, etc., is all I'm sayin’

We were treated to a few behind-the-scenes anecdotes of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops acting like a spoiled brat at the G7 summit, like the socially maladjusted rich kid you had to invite to your birthday party because his dad works with your dad.

First we learned of Orange Julius Caesar’s dutiful parroting of Putin's “They speak Russian in Crimea” excuse for VIOLENTLY INVADING A SOVEREIGN NATION, because while he's President of the whole dang United States of America, he still hasn't won Vlad's coveted Employee of the Month award. The prize is a jar of piss from the fairest hooker in all the land, so you know he really really wants it.

And then there was the juvenile line about “shipping Mexicans” to Japan. That's possibly the Drumpfiest thing he's said yet; petulant, racist, and embarrassingly pathetic. This must be this “We're America, bitch,” thing he's trying out. Don't worry, after his dumbfuck trade war has destroyed the economy, and his tantrums have ruined the reputation so many better men and women fought so long and hard to build, we can always have Donnie's Daddy bail us out of trouble. That plan always worked for him before, anyway.

And then it was off to North Korea, where he SALUTED A FUCKING NORTH KOREAN GENERAL, which historians of all political persuasions unanimously agree was the single biggest cuck move in human history.

Back home, Shart Garfunkel and his shitty, shitty, children are finally facing a lawsuit for stealing from charity, because oh yeah, thanks to the enthusiastic support of evangelical "Christians,” our President is the kind of absolute crotchtumor who uses his “charitable foundation” to make political donations, pay off legal debts, and purchase a big fat ugly painting of his big fat ugly self.

Now, the Shart insists he won't settle! But the NYAG office has a voucher, in his handwriting, directing the charity to illegally dispense funds to settle a lawsuit, soooooooo they probably aren't looking to settle either, y'know?

Michael Cohen, perhaps seeking one last humiliation as a free man before he has start swapping rim jobs for cigarettes, tried to get a gag order on Michael Avenatti, to please stop completely owning him in public all the damn time. The judge didn't bite, because the law doesn't work that way, which Cohen would probably know if he were a real lawyer.

The Sensei of Sez-Hoo likely also wants a gag on federal investigators taping the contents of his shredder back together, and decoding his encrypted messages, because they sure as shit did that. Anyway, Cohen's pending perp walk should get better rating's that his Boss’ inauguration.

Ronna Romney McDaniel is HERE FOR THE FASCISM, y’all. She might not be willing to return Steve Wynn's donations or apologize for financing serial child molester Roy Moore’s Senate bid, but she's totally down to tweet out threats to any who refuse to bend the knee to High Priest of Diarrhea Gargling. I don't know what she's calling herself these days, but a Romney by any other name would smell as shitty, so fuck you, Ronna.

Fat Q*Bert seems to have figured out the child-proof locks General Kelly installed in the Oval Office, because he waddled out on the White House lawn for an impromptu press screeching last week, apparently because he was worried there might still be one person somewhere on Earth who still believes he's sane. Or honest.

Editorial cartoonist Rob Rogers has been fired by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for criticizing God Emperor Colonblight; fascist wannabe state media has claimed one more outlet HA HA HA CAP YOU'RE SUCH A JOKESTER PRINT MEDIA IS DYING AND IT'S TAKING THE RIGHT TO PROTEST WITH IT HA HA HA.

Legislative affairs director Marc Short is allegedly the latest rat to flee the Shartanic, having directed the legislative affairs of a massive tax giveaway to the uber-wealthy and...not much else. I guess Short wasn't looking forward to shepherding Stephen Miller's We Will Release One Child Hostage For Every Dark Skinned Person Who Self-Deports Act through the Senate.

I barely have the heart to cover the opening of the latest new wing in the P.T. Barnum Presents Scott Pruitt's Wondrous World of Cacophonous Corruption Traveling Museum and Wild West Show. It's a pretty good show, too. WATCH IN AWE as Scotty wrangles Rose Bowl tickets from an energy industry bigwig! GAZE IN SHAME as he engages in Olympic-level ass-kissing to save his job!

...but since he isn't LOCKING CHILDREN IN CAGES, his offenses seem almost quaint today. You go to your little football game, Scotty.

Fresh action on the Chinese front of the international trade war, with Beijing and Shartopia exchanging billions in new tariffs. Don't worry, America! Your President won't back down, no matter how many hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damage he inflicts on farmers! And as you struggle to feed your families, know that your sacrifice serves the noble cause of momentarily placating his insatiable ego!

Speaking of the Big Dumb Trade War, I see regular Canadians have announced their intentions to boycott American products, but their currency is based on maple syrup and autographed hockey pucks, so we should be fine, right?

As the quest for the “Best People” has devolved into a frantic search for warm bodies, the Shart House has resorted to seeking candidates for what ought to be the most coveted gigs in politics at a freaking job fair. It's still a tough pitch; we have nothing to offer but blood, toil, overdone steak farts, and the guarantee of crushing personal legal debt.

The long-awaited Justice Department Inspector General Report hit the streets last week, jumping directly to the top of Billboard's Government Records charts, supplanting a study on the gap between Jeff Flake's professed anti-Trump self-puffery and his actual voting record.

Of course, the Hairplug That Ate Decency proclaimed the report exonerated him of all accusations of collusion (it didn't), as well as proving that Salma Hayek really really wanted to date him.

One thing you have to give Babbling Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani; he understands that nothing short of the complete destruction of the rule of law in America can save his shitty grifter boss. So he's out there on any TV show shameless enough to host him, screeching that Mueller must be investigated, must be suspended, must be fired. Based on not one fucking thing.

That's Rudy and Donnie's whole strategy; obliterate Americans’ faith in the law and those that would enforce it. That's the play. And these two hateful old men don't give half a rat's ass about the nation they'll leave behind; let it all burn, just so Donald Fucking Trump can keep crapping in his gold toilet until the fast food and experimental hair tonic finally catch up to him.

And Roger Stone sings:

Oops I did it again
I lied to your face, and while under oath
Oh Baby, Baby,
Oops, you thought you could trust
Are you fucking concussed?
I'm not that innocent!

(And now you're picturing Roger doing all that sexy dancing, aren't you? You're welcome.)

But yeah, Stone seems to have forgotten one itsy-bitsy meeting-with-th’Russians-offering-dirt-on-Madame-Hilldawg in his months of blanket denials that almost certainly extended to his testimony before Congress, but his memory seems to have been jogged by the fact that Bodacious Bob Mueller apparently knows all about it.

Now, if Devin Nunes were interesting in doing his job, he'd have a rather enormous problem with Roger Stone lying under oath to Congress. That's a crime. Kind of a significant crime, actually.

But Devin doesn't care about the rule of law. Devin has just two passions; fucking pigs and obstructing justice, and he seems to be temporarily out of pigs. In fact, he refuses to release the transcripts of Stone's testimony, because he is using his post as the chairman of a powerful congressional committee to shield members of his party from the consequences of their lawbreaking. (Oh shit, you were expecting a joke, and instead you got a bleak description of objective reality! YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN’ YET!)

Devin also confessed to being part of a Dastardly Deep State Plot where FBI agents leaked him damaging classified information on HRC during the 2016 campaign. Somehow it's heroic when it's him, but a Monumental Assault on Everything That's Good and Right when law enforcement investigates Drumpf's many crimes, because...reasons.

On a nicer day, a kinder day, we could all enjoy a few laughs at Shartolo Colon’s bonehead directive to establish a whole new branch of the military called (James Earl Jones voice SPAAAAAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOOOORCE!

Folks, this is what happens when you elect Mike Teavee President. It's like outsourcing national security decisions to the group of kids I hung out with in 3rd grade, after we stayed up all night binging on root beer and Twizzlers the night Nate's parents let us rent ROBOCOP. Honestly, we can probably head this whole thing off if Mattis just orders the Pentagon to build the Toddler in Chief a really cool spaceship model, providing it makes adequately amusing pew pew pew noises.

Forbes has an incredible deep dive into the truly phenomenal ethical abuses of Nap-Prone Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, up to and including profiting off of the publishing of an earlier story about his ethical abuses. In any earlier administration, this would be an earth-shaking scandal. Today, it almost feels like a distraction from the government's greater evils.

At least we can take a moment to laugh at our old friend KKKris KKKobach, who not only had his bullshit voter suppression law struck down in court today, but was even ordered to take six hours of continuing legal education classes by the judge, just for being such colossal fucking idiot.

And now that I'm laughing at KKKris, I suppose I can finally muster the appropriate level of schadenfreude to appreciate Paul Manafort's imprisonment. Tonight, Paulie, I'm ordering a pizza, drinking a six pack, and choosing the one precise moment in time when I want the lights in my bedroom to turn off. You can't do any of these things, because you're too fucking dumb to not commit crimes when the F.B. FUCKING I. are surveilling your every move. Really nice work, genius.

Ok fine, I guess we have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant being The President is a White Supremacist Who is Using American Law Enforcement to Carry Out Acts of White Supremacist Terrorism.

Can we please stop fucking around about this shit? There was never ANY interest in increasing American greatness, only in decreasing the amount of America that shitty white folks had to share with other people.

You've probably seen in the media that “men” like Stephen Miller and John Kelly support this policy as a “deterrent.” Let's break down what they mean by that. They mean they want to make asylum-seekers associate “The United States of America” with horror. With terror. With “that's that place where they FUCKING STEAL YOUR CHILDREN.”

That's why this policy is terrorism. It's designed to terrorize. Your government, in your name, with your tax money, is committing acts of terrorism. They're hurting children, on purpose. The goal of the policy is to hurt children. Hurting children is the entire fucking point. Well, hurting children, in order to spread terror. Terrorism.

Amnesty International calls it torture. Because it is. The American Psychological Association calls it a “mental health crisis.” It is. The president of the American Association of Pediatrics calls it “government-sanctioned child abuse.” And it is.

But to Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “inhuman monster”), American President/Unapologetic Kidnapper & Terrorist, this is finally the opportunity he's been seeking to get his Stupid Fucking Wall built! Blisteringly incompetent, historically ineffective, unapologetically evil, he imagines swapping the CHILDREN HE'S THROWN INTO CONCENTRATION CAMPS for fulfillment of an empty promise he made to hateful rubes.

And that's the state of politics in the United States on Monday, June 18th, 2018.

And while one team of immoral stooges brags to the base about all the harm they're inflicting on the non-white, another brazenly perpetuates lies like “we're only enforcing the law,” or “Democrats did this,” or “Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a human being with a human soul.”

And so we have children, CHILDREN in cages, on suicide watch. We have a Border Patrol agent mocking the cries of suffering children. And we have a law enforcement officer sexually assaulting a four year old girl, confident he'll get away with his abominable action because her mother is undocumented, and therefore subhuman, and therefore powerless. You have, in short, plenty of Americans who are all to ready to transform their country into a fascist, white supremacist hell.

The Republican base has become such a rage-spitting hate cult that they LOVE this evil, even as anyone with the tiniest shred of decency is understandable appalled. But hey, they apparently like Kim Jong-un more than Nancy Pelosi, because the only value remaining to them is fealty to the Grand Wizard Grifter. After less than two years, they prefer the dude who runs slave labor camps to the woman who thinks human beings deserve health care.

Meanwhile Kirstjen Nielsen literally demands “don't believe those dirty journalists, with their photographic evidence and their eyewitness accounts! WE, THE BENEVOLENT STATE, HOLD THE ONLY TRUTH!” Withered Hate Demon Ann Coulter suggests children are only ACTING when they express the slightest displeasure at being ripped away from their families. The ghouls at Fux Nooz suggest these kids should be grateful for their detention.

Perhaps in a few months, when the trade war has wrecked the economy, Jesse Watters will suggest that we can no longer afford to feed these children whose lives we've destroyed. Perhaps a more permanent, more...final solution is called for.

Fuck, there hasn't been a joke on this so-called political satire blog for quite awhile now. I'm sorry, friends, I just can't find humor in this monstrousness.

Oh wait, here's one: How many Trump Administration Officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


That joke sucks, I know. So does real life right now. I hope you're up for a fight, dear reader, because a fight is what you've got.

There's more, I know. There's Shartboy backing out of the U.N. Human Rights Council and the Senate shitting on his plan to let China and ZTE off the hook and god knows what else. But I haven't the strength right now.

Inaugural Shower Cap Contest! Guess How Much Republican Racism There is in This Week's News! (F/SC)

Hey hey, Shower Captives! We're gonna play a little game with today's blog. Without scrolling ahead, see if you can guess how many different stories of the GOP's increasingly inhumane racism/bigotry/unashamed open white supremacy appear in this round-up, which picks up the news late Monday night/early Tuesday morning. A special Shower Cap prize awaits those who guess correctly!

(You know the drill. This post, with links, is available at: http://showercapblog.com/welcome-to-the-inagural-shower-cap-blog-contest-guess-how-much-republican-racism-there-is-in-this-weeks-news-fabulous-prizes-await/)

But before we dive into that particular lemon-juice-and-broken-glass-filled pool, let's recap the historic collision of two of history's biggest, smelliest, sloppiest turds in Singapore.

Now, I’ve never read The Shart of the Deal, but I bet I can reverse-engineer the main points, having observed the artist at work:

1. Openly proclaim that you have done no preparation whatsoever, to pave the way for...
2. Accepting the first offer you get, which is actually a step backwards from previous agreements, plus...
3. Unilaterally offer your negotiating partner long-sought concessions, in exchange for a fat plateful of jack shit, but...
4. Claim they promised a whole lot more, but be careful not to get that in writing, then...
5. Hold out your hand expectantly in front of the Nobel people.

Basically, he swapped joint military exercises with South Korea (without telling them first, of course...allies are an obstacle when all you're seeking is aggrandizement) for a less-specific version of the same empty bullshit promises these murderous thugs have been making for decades, and now he's strutting around like history's greatest peacemaker. It's like if Neville Chamberlain were a professional wrestler.

Pushing this over line from merely embarrassing into Ricky-Gervais-in-The-Office-Sweet-Jesus-I-Can't-Even-Watch territory, President Groinrot seems to have gotten the idea to suspend military exercises from Putin, so honestly why don't we just let Vlad move into the goddamn West Wing? Melania would be happier, and I'm sure it'd be more efficient.

While President Buttfungus sends his stooges out to condemn the leaders of our most faithful allies to eternal damnation, he praises the mass-murdering dictator of a literal hell-on-earth like he's Joe Buck describing Clayton Kershaw. “He's so funny, and smart, and he's like, an abnormally good foosball player, he almost got me to put Hawaii on the line in a foosball game, the lil’ hustler. And his ass! It's like Ivanka's, when she was 17! I just want to bite it!”

And Kim Jong-un can't believe his fucking luck. The candles on his birthday cake must have been magic this year! After all, they were made of tallow rendered from the bodies of North Koreans who were WORKED TO DEATH IN HIS SLAVE LABOR CAMPS AND NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUR PRESIDENT FELLATE THIS DIME STORE POL POT BECAUSE HE'S LATCHED ONTO THE IDEA THAT THIS WILL MAKE HIM BETTER THAN OBAMA.


Anyway, Kim went home to brag about pwning America so hard, Mike Pompeo's throwing tantrums insisting the signed agreement says things that it quite objectively does not say, and the Candycorn Skidmark himself has proclaimed he ended the North Korean nuclear threat despite leaving the regime in possession of all those nuclear weapons, which is a bit like claiming you've ended Phil Collins’ threat to Motown when his whiter-than-Tucker-Carlson's-ass covers album is clearly still streaming on Amazon Prime, to detriment of all mankind.

So yeah, basically sound and fury, signifying fuckall. At least we were treated to a spectacularly awful propaganda video that I think we all know Stephen Miller put together on his phone in those spare hours he's long since abandoned any hope of filling with human companionship.

Devin Nunes, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein has had enough of your shit! The Deputy Attorney General (Yes, that spells DAG, yo.) reminded Devin that if he and his team of treasonous collaborators went through with their pathetic contempt of Congress political stunt, he could subpoena the shit out of their communications, and if that's what y’all want, that's what we'll do. By the by, I call on y’all to investigate your own leaky-ass crooked staffs, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

Nunes, clearly nervous as his inevitable day of reckoning drew ever closer, ordered his staff to draft legislation allowing federal inmates conjugal visits from pigs, can't imagine why.

A senior official at Justice decided to teach the hypocrites on the right what “pro-life” ought to mean, resigning after Jeff Sessions unveiled his bold new “The Constitution clearly states that we must thin the herd by denying healthcare to those with preexisting conditions” stance. Lemme just say I am disappointed with the relatively small number of “You want me to WHAT? Oh HELL no!” resignations under this assclown regime.

And I see Bob Corker's been cosplaying as his favorite fictional character, “Brave, Principled Bob Corker” from a magical make-believe land where the Republican Party stands for something other than “Hating Whoever Our Pumpkin Spice God Emperor Tells Us to Hate.”

Gosh, I'm just in awe of Corker's bravery, aren't you? Watching him boldly Speak Truth to Power™️ mere weeks before he flees electoral politics forever to enjoy the fruits of the personalized kickback he weaseled into the tax bill? Bob's no different that Boss Shart himself; he wants to claim to credit for resisting without putting in the work. I say let's give Bob's job to Phil Bredesen.

Well, it seems the Shart Administration has finally realized they have a problem with their Tear-Children-From-Their-Parents'-Arms policy, and that problem is...they're running out space! Not “Holy fucking shit, we are demons in human form doing evil work,” but “We have detained so many children we have run out of space to store them.” A human being with a soul might look at that situation and reflect, “Hmmm...maybe we could try being a little less evil,” but our governing kakistocrats figured, “Fuck it, let's open up some 'tent cities’ and fill ‘em with kids!”

(This space left blank to allow the reader to weep.)

So anyway, if anybody reading this knows Kim Kardashian, could you maybe call her up and see if there's any way she could develop a hobby interest in the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR CHILDREN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WANTS TO OPEN ON AMERICAN SOIL?

I see Scott Pruitt's wife finally found a job, that should free up some man-hours over at the EPA. Maybe they'll finally have time to protect the environment a little bit HAHAHAHAHAHA BREATHABLE AIR IS FOR CUUUUUUUUCKS.

In a procedural filing to lock down some evidence, Rugged Robert Mueller casually reminded everybody that the fuckery he's investigating isn't all past tense, that Russians are still grabassing around in our elections, and oh yeah, the President and his party refuse to defend the nation from foreign attack, because they benefit from it, and isn't it just swell that this is a fact of life in American nowadays? “Oh right! We're governed by traitors! Anyhoo, is the Big Bang Theory on tonight?"

Brad Parscale, who you should follow if you've ever wondered "What would Goebbels’ Twitter feed look like?” thinks Jim Acosta should have his press credentials revoked for the crime, nay, SIN of...asking the President a question. Parscale's the kind of Drumpf lackey that probably keeps a journal just to scribble down ideas for the experiments he wants to conduct on the inmates once he gets his own gulag.

I'd like to take a moment to thank Mark Sanford, for providing valuable, conclusive research on the gap between the Republican base’s professed values and their actual ones. Sanford, you'll recall, while serving as Governor of South Carolina, abandoned his post, leaving his constituents without a Governor, to fly to Argentina to cheat on his wife, and of course lied about it. None of that was enough to prevent the fine upstanding “Christian” conservatives of South Carolina from electing him to serve multiple terms representing them in the U.S. House of Representatives.

But daring to criticize the Velveeta Vulgarian for his many ethical shortcomings? You go to far, sir! GLOVE SLAP! The White Supremacist Rage Cult the GOP has become will brook no apostates! The only value is Trump, and I expect to see a corresponding surge in the production of orange-colored stained glass before the year is out.

Nobody's enjoying the Drumpf era more than Iowa's Steve King, who's really let his hair down lately, and by “hair” I mean “Klan robe.” Steve-O is now merrily retweeting the Nazi musings of a British Nazi, as if to say "Hey, look at this Nazi! Aren't his Nazi ideas great, and shouldn't we be more like this Nazi?” and can I just say that having a sitting U.S. Congressman promoting open Nazism on Twitter is...somewhat less than Bangarang.

In a truly epic act of bothsidesism, the GOP base decided that Virginia should also be for haters, nominating white supremacist fuckhead Corey Stewart to challenge the Dean of Dad Jokes himself, Tim Kaine, for a U.S. Senate seat. While Stewart is a genuinely vile human being, I confess it's funny as hell watching the media squirm to find “fair” descriptors, ranging from “confederate statue defender” and “white nationalist sympathizer” to “conservative firebrand.”

Lemme help y’all out. If you're looking for a word to describe a man whose campaign in 90% about traitor statues, and who pals around with Jason “I am a White Nationalist” Kessler, why not just say “asshole?” “An Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.” THERE, I FIXED YOUR HEADLINE. If you have a little more space to fill, maybe “An Ass-Backward, Hood-Wearing, Diarrhea-Belching, Black-Hearted, Colon-Huffing, Piece of Absolute Racist Trash Asshole Won the Virginia GOP Senate Primary.”

By the way, President Klanrobewedgie wasted no time in endorsing this flaming pile of mule excrement, so it's probably time for another round of think pieces on whether or not it's fair to describe our President as “racist.”

Also, Nevada Republicans nominated a pimp for a House seat, YES AN ACTUAL PIMP, so, y'know...family valyooz and all that.

Oh, and everybody say hi to Seth Grossman, Republican candidate in the open New Jersey 2nd, who has some thoughts on diversity, and SPOILERZ, those thoughts are super duper racist with white privilege sprinkles on top. Grossman remembers the good ol’ days when no matter the color of your skin, you were judged only by your qualifications, so long as your skin was white. If you'd like to donate to Jeff Van Drew, the Democratic candidate for this seat who is not an unapologetic shitsack, click here.

Tuesday night was much kinder to the blue team, as we emerged with another strong slate of candidates to challenge the Howler Monkey Meth Den across the aisle for control of the House, the Senate, and all life on Earth, prolly.

On that topic, big congrats to Jacky Rosen for makin’ it official in Nevada! Toss Jacky a buck or two if you can spare it, because sending Dean Heller to the private sector would be a big boost to Operation: Stop Mitch McConnell From Packing the Courts with Fuckweasels.

And another big state-level pickup, a Wisconsin senate seat, in a district that chose Poo by a 17-point margin in 2016, despite Governor Scott Walker's passionate efforts to thwart democracy in his state.

Before we move on, meet Angus King's Republican challenger in Maine, Eric Brakey! He's certainly...enthusiastic.

At this point in the Broadway musical adaptation of this shitshow, Michael Cohen stumbles out on stage, dazed, disheveled, and disbelieving, to deliver a soliloquy song about his fall from the heady days of peddling 6-figure influence contracts to anybody dumb enough to accept them, to sitting alone in his apartment with whatever possessions the FBI didn't confiscate, waiting to be arrested. Javert meets Jersey Boys.

Oh, and Mickey Dead Eyes’ lawyers are quitting. I'm sure it's just cuz they think the case will be too easy and they're only interested in challenges at this stage in their careers because they're plucky and have something to prove and not because you're guilty as shit and deeeeeeeeeeeeply fucked, Michael. Don't worry.

Anyway, everybody's wondering, will Cohen flip? Does this chintzy GoodFellas knock-off have the goods to take down the most powerful man on the planet? Will he run into state-level charges that the Tangelo Taint Tumor can't pardon? Are there any underpants in his apartment than remain unshit*-in?

Foreign Policy (the magazine, not the Thing the Government is Supposed to Do) introduces us to Mari Stull, a Shart Administration apparatchik dutifully snooping around the U.N. and State Department in search of the insufficiently loyal. If this seems like rank political hackery at the expense of much-needed experience and competence, don't worry, Stull is totally qualified for this gig; she used to be a wine blogger.

A wine blogger? Fuck. That's like getting your political news from a lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe and a luchador mask.

Late breaking news says Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is planning on leaving her job as Chief Propaganda Minister to spend more time burning books and murdering puppies. So is her shitty little sidekick, Raj Shah. Anyway, the next press secretary will a puppet that was fired from the Muppets for raping another puppet.

That's all I've got tonight, friends. By my count, there were FIVE different stories about Republican racism in this one blog, but I totally fucking lied about giving you a prize. The prize was an entirely illusory promise. If it's good enough for the President of the United States, it's good enough for you. But I promise to completely denuclearize this blog really soon.

*Unshat? I've been drinking.

Trump Flings Poop in Canada, Kim Hides Poop in Singapore, Another Crappy Day of News. (Ferret/SC)

Excellent news, Comrades! The Antifa-Canada alliance has been finalized, and the launch of Operation Jade Helm II: Deep State Boogaloo is imminent! Pick up your Soros-issued paycheck at the Pizzagate joint in your neighborhood, and await General De Niro's orders!

(You know where you can find this post, and many more, with all the links n’ shit? At this link: http://showercapblog.com/trump-flings-poop-in-canada-kim-hides-poop-in-singapore-another-crappy-day-of-news/)

Paul Manafort is collecting federal indictments like he's playing Pokémon GO! Gotta catch ‘em all, right, Paulie? With new charges of obstruction of justice and conspiracy to obstruct justice, Manafort's looking at the kind of trouble that even a rich white guy can't duck (or, the rough equivalent of an African-American teen stealing sneakers).

Oh, and who is Precocious Paul accused of conspiring with? Why, Konstantin Kilimnik, the latest Russian with ties to Putin's intelligence apparatus! That's right, campers, Drumpfy's old campaign manager, colluding with a Russian spy! Add that to Friday's hearing to revoke his bail for witness tampering, and this asshole is supremely...#Manafucked.

Welcome to day one of Ajit Pai's new post-net-neutrality world! To continue reading this blog post, please deposit one (1) six pack in Cap's beer fridge, preferably an IPA, nothing too fruity or distracting.

So, the state of Florida stopped conducting background checks on people applying for concealed-carry permits. For over a year. The whole fucking state. I guess the employee in charge of running the checks got locked out of the system and figured “Meh, we're only the state where people do bath salts and try to eat other people's faces, what's the worst that could happen?” They issued about 300 permits to people who shouldn't have them, but don't worry, the official in charge of the department responsible is among the frontrunners to replace Rick Scott as Governor of the whole dang state!

Mitch McConnell threw himself a party, because “the last 16 months have been the single best period for conservative values!” During that time, his party has embraced open white supremacy, ripped hundreds of children away from their families, tried to get a child molester elected to the U.S. Senate, done all it could steal health care from millions of Americans, attacked and alienated our closest allies while coddling dictators, refused to protect the country from a hostile foreign power that attacked (and continues to attack) us, legislatively redistributed massive amounts of money to their donor class, fielded a historic number of Nazi/white supremacist candidates, continuously attacked the rule of law to shield a criminal, lied incessantly while attacking those who tell the truth, and I better stop now or I'll never finish this fucking post.

Yes Mitch, it has indeed been a remarkable stretch for your movement's “values.” They haven't had a run like this since the late 1930's.

For generations, scholars have wondered “What if diplomacy were conducted, not by learned and experienced leaders, but by spoiled toddlers flinging shit at the walls?” Well, wonder no more! Canada's gonna be scrubbing the contents of Tangerine Idi Amin's diaper out of the curtains for weeks to come!

First, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops threw a tantrum because the mean ol’ western democracies threw his buddy Vlad out of the club just cuz he invaded dumb ol’ Ukraine and killed a few stoopid journalists. Which Russia shouldn't be punished for, but which is still Obama's fault.

Then he stumbled around, raging and babbling and venting his greivances, going so far as to suggest he'll end all trade with our allies, if his demands (based on his totally faulty understanding of international trade) aren't met, like a dude threatening to blow up a McDonald's because he can't get his hair cut there.

So Shartolo Colon shits on our oldest and closest friends while keeping his lips firmly planted on Putin's ass, like a dumbfuck diplomatic human centipede. At this point, while the Manchurian Manbaby does Russia's bidding dismantling western alliances, I honestly just hope he was paid well. But knowing the “great dealmaker,” he probably swapped NATO for a well-done steak, a too-long tie, and a 40 oz bottle of hooker pee.

And he showed up late and left early and generally made an ass of himself, but all in all it could have gone worse. He didn't hump Angela Merkel's leg, and he even agreed to sign the joint statement. Not exactly We Are the World, but under the circumstances, it'll do.

But then the minute Sultan Spraytan's back was turned, that dastardly Justin Trudeau pissed on the American flag, kidnapped Ivanka, and ordered the Canadian Air Force to carpet bomb Seattle, so - oh wait, I'm being told all Trudeau did was give a little speech calmly explaining that he did not care for the new tariffs and would impose retaliatory tariffs of his own? In that case, I think our President may have overreacted a wee bit.

Suddenly he's rage-tweeting at his Canadian counterpart (so much braver on Twitter than he is face-to-face, isn't he?) and dispatching Shiny New Replacement Sycophants Larry Kudlow and Peter Navarro to gin up anti-Canada animus on the Sunday Shoz, no doubt prompting MAGA nation to burn all their Bryan Adams cassettes.

Anyhow, Larry and Pete sure did pass their loyalty tests, (the first half, anyway...they have to murder an FBI agent by July 4th. Plus Stephen Miller's penchant for creative hazing is said to be genuinely disturbing.) dutifully raging about the Canuck menace in terms of betrayal, and even damnation.

Fat Q*Bert boldly announced that he would not extend a Shart House invitation to this year's NBA champions, days after members of both teams announced they would under no circumstances lend their celebrity and excellence to such a shitty, racist, goon. Peter Navarro is reportedly standing by, prepared to challenge Steph Curry one-on-one should his God Emperor demand it.

Buried in the middle of the traditional weekend Leaked-by-Basically-Everybody Behind-the-Scenes Peek into the Monkey Cage we Call the White House piece, we FINALLY learned how Scott “The Man of 1,000 Scandals” Pruitt manages to hold on to his job; he's carved out a little space for himself as Boss Turdwaffle's bitching-about-Jeff-Sessions buddy.

That is some next-level sycophancy there, Scotty! Show up every now and then with bag of cheeseburgers and the willingness to let a doddering old nitwit vent about how unfair it is that the Attorney General isn't burning down the FBI to protect him, and there's no abuse of the public trust that won't be gently overlooked. I salute you, sir. When the bombs fly, I expect two survivors: roaches, and Scott Pruitt.

...but I repeat myself.

And there's the Historic North Korea Summit/Commemorative Coin Sale Extravaganza. Having successfully given a tyrannical mass-murderer the long-craved legitimacy of standing alongside the American President as an equal (In exchange precisely jack shit, the Shart of the Deal strikes again!), the Poo Mistake won't bring up human rights violations, not even in a casual, “Brah. Do me a solid and shut down a forced labor camp or two, just for Christmas” kind of way. I don't know that we should be surprised, he doesn't give a shit about the people in THIS country.

Kim Jong-un, a petty little clown so broke he had to borrow a plane to get to Singapore and so paranoid he's traveling with his own personal toilet so that nobody can pick through his shit, apparently surprised Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet by announcing an earlier-than-expected departure, leading President Rube to scramble and bump up his own travel plans. Played like a fiddle by a third-world tyrant. It's like losing at Connect Four to a 3-year old...guinea pig.

McClatchy reports that several Putin-connected Russian bigwigs were in contact with the NRA during the 2016 election, fueling speculation that America's least favorite terrorist non-profit organization laundered oligarch rubles to support a certain bloated treasonweasel's campaign. Mueller, as we already knew, is investigating. Me, I've got a vision of Wayne LaPierre's perp walk, and it's so pornographic that Michael Avenatti is my lawyer now.

John Kelly's e-mails got hacked while he was Secretary of Homeland Security, and Trey Gowdy immediately ordered hearings into how Trey Gowdy is a sanctimonious hypocrite who pretended to care about e-mail security when he saw an opportunity to drag Hillary Clinton for a bit, but now that his party's Frankenstein Monster is wrecking havoc around the world, he's retiring and leaving the mess to others to clean up.

Just kidding. There are no hearings. Except, perhaps, in the lonely early morning hours, in Gowdy Doody's heart. And probably not even there.

But while we're on the subject of record keeping, it seems President Crotchvoid has a tendency to just tear official documents into pieces, which is so obviously, hilariously the act of a career criminal habitually used to destroying evidence, but ANYWAY, we've been paying multiple high-salaried public servants to tape them back together because the Presidential Records Act is still a thing. Oh and for good measure, a couple of the records management professionals who handled the taping were recently fired without warning or explanation. Just the latest totally normal thing from our super normal, nothing-whatsoever-to-hide administration.

This morning, Merrick Garland authored the majority opinion in a Supreme Court decision overturning Ohio's voter purge law, JUST KIDDING it turns out that a bunch of swing state voters thought it was so important to cast a protest vote for some third party shithead that they were willing to be accessories to Mitch McConnell's theft of a SCOTUS seat, and so Neil Asslicking Gorsuch cast the deciding vote instead, and now Republicans have enshrined this vote suppression technique into the very fabric of American law!

As we debate Robert De Niro's use of a naughty word, I find myself in the midst of my own deep personal struggle with obscenity. After months of running this humble poo joke blog, I feel hopelessly overwhelmed in my quest to find a word profane enough to describe the smug, smiling evil of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. I need something...German. Something with guttural retching sounds and umlauts and seven or eight syllables.

Y'know, even the most ambitious bigots would probably call it a day after reshaping the nation's border law enforcement into a machine that rips children away from their parents and throws them in cages, but Jeff is a genuine exemplar of hatred. Now he's issued a sweeping overhaul of asylum policy, withdrawing eligibility from victims of gang and domestic violence, condemning untold thousands to God knows what fate.

What depravity. What abomination. Just a few days after we learned a recently-deported high school student was murdered in Mexico. After we were told the horrifyingly tragic story of the Honduran father who committed suicide after Border Patrol agents took his son from him.

With any halfway decent human being, you'd wonder How the Fuck Can You Sleep at Night, Having Caused Such Misery, but you know Sessions will tuck himself in under his Confederate flag comforter, warmed by the thought of having carved out a little more of the world for mediocre white dudes like himself.

And now I see Jar-Jar and Princess Ivanka netted a cool $82 million in income last year, swapping state secrets and our nation's foreign policy for trademarks and cold hard cash. Meanwhile, the administration wants to make it legal for insurance companies to deny customers with pre-existing conditions again. All those extra dead people won't need money, so I suppose we might as well pass it over to the governing grifter family!

Anyway, Shartboy's in the middle of his summit now. Hope he doesn't swap your hometown to North Korea in exchange for a crayon drawing of Kim Jong-un throwing a bomb in a trash can!

PS - At the very moment I publish tonight, Dennis Rodman is on TV, crying over his buds Drumpf and Kim getting together, and shilling something called "potcoin." Real life, folks...REAL. LIFE.

Scott Pruitt is an Artist. Corruption is his Medium, and the World is His Canvas-Ferret/Shower Cap

Scientists have created a “psychopath artificial intelligence” by giving it input from the darkest corners of the internet hell men call “Reddit.” Just to spice things up a bit, I have turned today's blog over to this AI.

...just kidding. All this shit happened. In the real world. Not that you can tell the difference. (And I know everybody knows this by now, but if you'd like to view the post with all sorts of helpful links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/scott-pruitt-is-an-artist-corruption-is-his-medium-and-the-world-is-his-canvas-and-other-news/)

President Drumpf debuted his bold new reelection strategy this week: by repeatedly embarrassing the United States on the world stage, the Marmalade Shartcannon hopes to induce liberals to abandon their citizenship in shame, thus forfeiting the right to vote. In yelling at Justin Trudeau for Canadians burning down the White House during the War of 1812 (I...bu...wha?), the plan is off to a smashing start. I myself am now pretending to be an Australian on vacation. And that was before the D-Day gaffe.

Paul Ryan made headlines around the world for kinda sorta almost standing up to Boss Shart and his ridiculous “spygate” fabrications, because a Republican leader actually siding with the truth over the Poo Mistake’s relentless gaslighting is indeed news. (Don't worry, though. The Speaker would quickly devolve back to his regular invertebrate state, insisting there's no evidence of collusion, which is true if you ignore all the evidence of collusion.

Remember a couple days ago when Dorito Mussolini demonstrated his keen understanding of human nature by attempting to turn Philadelphia sports fans against their championship football team? And petulantly canceling their White House ceremony and replacing it with a jingoistic glorification of a dopey old goon in a too-long necktie forgetting the lyrics to songs?

Well, ODDLY ENOUGH, it turns out he couldn't get actual Eagles fans to attend, so he papered the house with interns and staffers, maybe a crisis actor or two TAKE THAT GEORGE SOROS. AstroTurf at a football party. That's satisfying.

...reminds you of the early days, when Fuck-O dragged staff around to laugh at his jokes, doesn't it?

Betsy DeVos announced that her department's school safety commission will not be examining the role of guns in the gun violence epidemic facing America's schools, which is a bit like ignoring the role of dinosaurs in the deaths at Jurassic Park, AND THAT'S WHY THEY KEEP GETTING OUT AND EATING PEOPLE, DON'TCHA THINK?

We learned that the forthcoming Justice Department Inspector General report will indeed fault James Comey for his handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail probe, reminding us “Oh yeah, this whole shitshow we're forced to endure is quite possibly the fault of one man's self-righteous pride. NEAT.”

I know I've made this observation before, but it's true again today: Scott Pruitt had more scandals just this week than the entire Obama administration did in 8 years.

Asked to justify abusing his post in an apparently failed attempt to hook his wife up with a Chick-fil-A franchise, Pruitt could only babble something about how it's a “franchise of faith,” and you almost have to admire that half-assed attempt to shield yourself with a culture war touchstone. Like, maybe he charged taxpayers thousands of dollars for fancy pens because conservatives are being silenced on college campuses, right?

And a couple of Scotty's top aides resigned, probably because they were tired of their boss trying to enlist them in elaborate heist schemes to steal jewelry from visiting dignitaries.

Now we find out he's been lunching at the White House mess (where he enjoys low prices you the taxpayer are surely subsidizing) so often the staff asked him to please take his cheap ass someplace else every now and then, and how can you not just bask in the magnificent cheapness of the man? You know he's stealing sugar packets and cloth napkins, too.

Anyway, that's all the Pruittology we have for today, so let's move on to - HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.

So y'know that ridiculous, round-the-clock, security detail Scott demands? The one that cost taxpayers $3.5 million in one short year? Well, it turns out they're not just there to placate Pruitt's petty paranoia, they also run his errands, including...and this is AMAZING...driving him to various Ritz-Carltons around town until he can find one that has juuuuuuuust the precise moisturizing lotion that he likes.

And STILL Shartboy won't fire him! We're gonna have to drag his ass out of that creepy soundproof wankoff booth come January 2021. The next EPA administrator is gonna discover he dug a tunnel from the office supply closet all the way back to Oklahoma, and he's been smuggling printer paper for years.

Meanwhile Wilbur Ross’ Commerce Department has worked out a deal to lift sanctions on ZTE, making it official: this administration has worked harder to bring jobs back to a Chinese firm believed to be a security threat to the U.S. than they have at bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt. Because until the Rust Belt can offer the Trump Organization half a billion in loans, they simply won't be a priority.

Mick Mulvaney fired the entire 25-person Consumer Financial Protection Bureau advisory board, because many of them were perpetually pestering him to do annoying shit like “protecting consumers.” Satisfied at another hard day's work subjugating the American working class to the plutocracy, Mulvaney treated himself to an afternoon of tying ladies to railroad tracks.

Joke of the Day: Judge Jeanine wants to be Attorney General! Of the United States! Look folks, I didn't go to law school and in a very real way, I'm a lunatic who dresses up in a mask and a bathrobe to tell poop jokes about politicians, but in all seriousness I tell you that I would have an infinitely better chance of being confirmed by the U.S. Senate than that raving moron.

Speaking of assholes who bellow crazy shit on Fux Nooz, Sean Hannity's steady descent into madness is quite a thing to behold, isn’t it? It'd be really quite amusing if he weren't one of our Lunkhead Rube President's most trusted sources of information.

Anyway, when news broke that Rugged Robert Mueller has been asking witnesses to turn over their cell phones so the FBI can poke around to see if they've been using encrypted apps like that Luddite dumbass Paul Manafort, Sean dropped the GOP's tough-on-crime stance like a hot potato Scott Pruitt got caught trying to sneak out of the White House mess hall without paying for.

Sean says the latest craze, whether you're a target or a subject or just a guy sharing Georgie Papaderpaderp's Netflix account, is DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE! It's illegal, but at least it's not a hangin’ offense!

If anybody's wondering why Hannity has developed such a sudden passion for erasing digital footprints, well, it seems he's swept up in the latest Avenatti/Stormy Daniels lawsuit. This new suit alleges Stormy's old lawyer colluded with Michael Cohen and even Baron Golfin von Fatfuk himself, including an attempt to get her to deny their past uglies-bumping on a television program hosted by one...Sean Hannity.

Sometimes I worry I'm setting my hopes too high for these lawsuits and investigations, especially when the worst people in the country seem to get swept up in them, from Mitch McConnell to Roger Stone to the bloodstained death merchants of the NRA...but y'know what? Let me have this one. Let me sit here on my porch with my cat and my Gumballhead, and fantasize about Sean Hannity being dragged away in irons, if only for the night.

While Government Cheese Goebbels wields the power of the Presidency with all the skill of a heroin-addicted gerbil, he's been more successful at reshaping segments of American culture in his own scowling, racist-as-fuck image. “If the President can vomit up the most vicious, ignorant, shit imaginable, why can't I?” now says the dirtbag who may have remained silent in more civilized times. So let's dedicate a depressingly-long section of tonight's blog to the Brazen Hate Roundup:

Exhibit A) Many conservatives didn't read past the headline on the SCOTUS MasterJag Cake Shop decision, and believed they had magically returned to the Mayberry-Chapter-of-the-KKK Halcyon Days of being free to screech whatever bigotry they felt like without consequences. Take, for example, South Dakota state Representative Michael Clark, who figured that so long as hate was on a roll, we should start talking about allowing businesses to refuse people of color again!

Exhibit B) CrossFit executive Russell Burger heard that and said “Hold my (Whatever it is CrossFit cultists drink)!” Burger thought it was suddenly really important to let the world know that Pride Month is really Sin Month and the REAL intolerance is the intolerance of his intolerance, and God hates the same people Russell Burger does, isn't that terribly convenient?

Russell, like Representative Clark, only read the headline, and didn't click the link. Russell has been fired. Russell should've clicked the link.

Exhibit C) Charlottesville Marcher/Shitty White Boy James Allsup has been elected to a Republican Party precinct committee officer post in Washington state, the latest open white supremacist to make a play for power within the institutional GOP. Hey, if anybody reading this just woke up from a coma and is trying to suss out who the good guys and bad guys are, can I point out that one team seems to be attracting all the Klansmen and Nazis?

Exhibit D) Some real choice specimens of humanity at a New York military base ordered a pizza, and then called the ICEtapo on the driver, getting him deported away from his wife and children...because evil is real. Because “it can happen here.” Because it IS happening here. Because one or more people on that base saw an opportunity to wreck a fellow human being’s life and decided, “Yes, that is exactly what I will do. I will steal this father from his family.”

I'll get back to jokes in a minute, friends, but before I do, click on this article, please. Spend a little time with the senseless suffering our despicable regime is inflicting on people, on CHILDREN, in the name of hate. I know we're all exhausted after a year and a half of this never-ending shitgeyser, but the world needs you to fight. We need your decency.


Exhibit E) Santa didn't leave any self-awareness under the tree at the Loesch house last Xmas, demonstrated by Dana's bone-chillingly tone-deaf comment that women “wouldn’t know what masculinity was if it hit them in the face” in her latest unhinged rant. Holy SHIT, Dana.

So as you can see, America's national reserve of Shitty, Shitty, People is in absolutely no danger of running dry.

But I don't want you to lose hope over any of this garbage, Shower Captives. Tuesday's elections left us with a lot to smile about. Good turnout everywhere. No Democrat shut-outs under California's ridiculous top-two primary system. Good, strong candidates in the most competitive districts.

And some great results in individual races. The judge who gave rapist Brock Turner an appallingly light sentence got his ass fired, as did the Alabama sheriff who enriched himself out of a fund meant to feed inmates. And another massive leftward swing in a suburban Missouri special election. The Coalition of the Decent is reasserting itself. I know many of you are chomping at the bit to do your part. Well, look at it this way; in the time it took you to read this post, the midterms got five minutes closer. Maybe ten if you're drinking. I'm drinking.

And despite some narrowing in the ol’ generic congressionals over the last few weeks, launching a thousand preemptive "How Democrats blew it” post-mortem think pieces, today brought a whole bunch of encouraging polling. I mean, take nothing for granted, keep organizing your asses off...but don't despair.

Best of all, Virginia gave us a teaser of the rewards awaiting us once the work is done, as Governor Ralph Northam finally signed Medicaid expansion, which Republicans had been blocking for years, into law. We ran against ‘em, we beat ‘em, we saved lives. The waiting is hard, I know, but it's oh so worth it.

At any rate...back to the horrible shit, I guess...

Rage-Spewing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani offered his somewhat-less-than modern take on Stormy Daniels’ “reputation” before returning to his extremely respectable work slandering the FBI to protect the treasonous cabal of grifters who charge the secret service to pee.

I see Donnie Dipshit, the Dumb-as-a-Doorknob Dotard, figures he doesn't have to do any stupid cuck “preparation” for his summit with North Korea. After all, did he not (hire somebody else to ghost-) write The Art of the Deal? Did he not throw himself a giant party when the House passed Obamacare repeal only to watch its humiliating death in the Senate? Has he not failed to renegotiate NAFTA for more than 500 days running? What could go wrong?

And now Seb Gorka and Dennis Rodman are feuding, and that's a foreign policy story with potential implications on the upcoming nuclear summit, so if anybody needs me I'm the guy in a superhero straightjacket whispering "the horror...the HORROR.”

Anyway, even as he alienates our allies, Shart Garfunkel is making noises about inviting Kim Jong-un to America, where they can stay up all night playing Twister and discussing how to have disloyal family members killed. Tiffany is reportedly concerned.

President Toddler is reportedly extra-colicky that he has to go to the dumb ol’ G7 meeting where everybody hates him for crotch-stomping the global economy, and he's probably plotting to be a douchebag on purpose, like maybe playing that Blue Da Ba Dee song on the jukebox 8 times in a row and then leaving. Anyway, hooray for more unnecessary conflicts with our oldest and closest allies!*

The Hairplug That Ate Decency sprung one last surprise on us tonight, refusing to defend the Affordable Care Act in court, and proclaiming parts of it unconstitutional, because your government hates that so many of you are alive and healthy. Coming out against the protections for customers with pre-existing conditions should be a particularly big winner in the forthcoming midterm elections.

I'll leave you with something special. I aim to make to y’all laugh a little bit in these dark times, but trust me when I say nothing I've written compares to this video, documenting Mike Pants, Vice President of the most powerful nation on Earth, demonstrating his pathetic, automatic, instinctual subservience to his Spray-tanned Shitlord. Click and enjoy.

*As a point of clarification, I am not actually celebrating the President's assaults on America's most cherished and valuable alliances. From time to time, I employ a technique called “sarcasm,” to comic effect. Or at least that's the intent.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Trump/Huckabee Sanders Lies (Shower Cap/Ferret)

It's another one of those days when you can't tell which is greater; the malevolence of the ruling regime and their allies, or their raw, mush-brained, imbecility. It's like watching a pack of meth-addled clowns attack the Lincoln Monument with hammers and hacksaws.

(You know the drill. This post, with links, can be found at: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-trump-huckabee-sanders-lies/)

Y'know what? Let's start with something a little different tonight. Let's start with something from one of the GOOD GUYS for a change. Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is a bad motherfucker and a warrior for decency, using his post to shine a light on the horrific atrocities perpetrated by the Institutional Racism Firm of Trump, Sessions, & Miller.

Merkley was denied entry at a child detention center (oh didn't you hear? America operates child detention centers now. Very chic, very modern...the latest thing in state-sponsored evil.) He described scenes of children held in cages, but we'll have to take his word for it, since DHS wouldn't allow him or his aides to take photos, which is exactly how you behave when you're not doing anything monstrously reprehensible.

So, I've decided to worship Scott Pruitt as a God. I dub him Pruittus, Lord of All Corruption, and I fear to gaze directly upon him with my mortal eyes.

Seems that in addition to his other 358 known scandals, our EPA director apparently has a history of using government employees to perform personal tasks on his behalf, including attempting to procure a “used Trump hotel mattress.” See, that's what makes Scott so special, a generational grifting talent. There's no luxury too extravagant to bill to the American taxpayer, but when it's his own money on the line, the motherfucker is so cheap he tries to get a USED HOTEL MATTRESS, which would've been considered revoltingly unhygienic in the fucking Dark Ages.

And that? That was yesterday's news. Did today somehow, however improbably, bring fresh news of yet another previously-unearthed Scott Pruitt corruption scandal? You bet your sweet ass it did! Now we learn Scotty used not only his post, but a high-level aide drawing a government paycheck, in attempts to land his wife a job, specifically a Chick-fil-A franchise of her very own (cue alto Disney solo).

I know taxes don't really work this way, but allow me a bit of vanity here. I'm choosing to believe it was my personal tax money that paid the salary of the EPA aide for the specific chunk of work time she used to look for a job for Mrs. Pruitt. Think of it as my offering to His Sublime Skeeziness, the God of Corruption.

Of course, the Big Tyranny Gnus of the day is Tangerine Idi Amin's repeated insistence that he has the power to pardon himself, and this is not a debate my kindergarten Independence Day pageant prepared me for. All kinds of fun new issues pop up when you give awesome political power to a sociopath, y'know? I sure do hope the republic survives!

Now, Shartleby the Scrivener insists he's done nothing that would merit the use of this power he wants you to know he totally possesses, but don't kid yourself, after 70 years as a professional criminal, he's got a whole stack of preprepared pardons by the bed, for everything from sexual assault to treason. Everything filled in but the fucking date.

We're told a call between the Velveeta Vulgarian and French President Emmanuel Macron went poorly because the big bad French guy was mean and said mean things about Shartboy's tariffs when he was ‘sposed to just submit to the bullying. In the aftermath, the President curled up in General Kelly's lap and ordered his Chief of Staff to tell him a bedtime story about a Jolly Orange Giant who beats up a mean Frog with a stupid accent and then the Frog's wife says “Oh Donald you are much more handsome than my dumb husband and your fingers are larger as well.”

So the SCOTUS cake ruling came down and everybody got those initial push notifications and freaked the fuck out, right? Like, “Tell me you robed fuckers didn't just Kim Davis our entire goddamn economy,” and it turns out they didn't, and we all had fun parsing Court terms like “narrow” and “punt” and wasn't that just rave-in-a-petting-zoo awesome? Anyway, it's not a great decision but at least it's not a freedom-crushingly awful one, so...yay?

Semi-Sentient Cletus Spuckler Action Figure Eric Trump whinged a bunch about how hard Daddy's life has been since he entered politics, and then the ghosts of the thousands of needlessly, senselessly dead in Puerto Rico rose from their graves and swirled, shrieking, about him, rending him limb from limb. Or at least they really shoulda.

A new poll shows violent ex-con Michael Grimm leading in his GOP primary to regain the seat he lost WHEN HE WENT TO PRISON. Can we finally admit that Republican primary voters are just shitty fucking people looking for the shittiest people imaginable to represent them? By 2024, instead of debates, the GOP will have puppy-drowning contests.

Last November, the good citizens of Maine voted to expand Medicaid under the ACA, but Governor Paul LePage (THANKS, VOTE-SPLITTING THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE!) refused, because he hates poor people. But now a court says, “Sorry Asshole, people deserve to be alive even if they can't afford to attend $20,000-per-plate fundraisers, expand that shit right goddamn now.” This is LePage's worst nightmare (he vetoed expansion five times) because he is a terrible human being who is only in government to hurt people. Which should make him an outlier in Republican politics, but doesn't.

Operating on the If They'll Believe Pizzagate They'll Believe Anything principle, Orange Julius Caesar’s latest bullshit spin is “even though y’all saw Jeff Sessions’ hate boner when he announced the policy, it's really DEMOCRATS’ fault that my government is separating children from their parents at the border.” Me, I just find it interested that Fuck-O actually found a bit of minority-bashing he doesn't want to hang his name on in big gold letters, since he went out of his way to compliment white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of white supremacist terrorism that one time.

Anyway, now the United Nations human rights office is asking the Shart Administration to cut it out with that “inhuman cruelty” jazz, and isn't it nice being shunned by the decent folk of the world, like a third rate dictatorship?

I know I shit on the President a lot on this blog, but I'm not above acknowledging the rare occasions when he does the right thing, because I'm so fair and balanced I'm like Snow White on a tightrope. So congratulations, Wee Don, on your decision to lock The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Lip out of your North Korea meeting. 1 point to Slytherin.

Pardonmania is running wild! Apparently President Crotchvoid has PARDON FEVER and plans on handing ‘em out like a small town Appalachian doctor dispensing opioids! Word is he's Mad About Pardons because 1) It's the only he can do without dumb ol’ Congress or the dumb ol’ Constitution holding him back, and 2) It's his only chance to avoid dying in prison.

Paul Manafort's been getting away with his life of crime so long, he doesn't seem to understand the rules have changed since he got indicted, so he keeps violating the terms of his bail arrangement, and...wowza, this last one is a doozy. Seems Precocious Paul, perhaps stir-crazy from house arrest, has taken up a new hobby...witness tampering! Bro. Try cross stitch, it's safer.

YOU ARE UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, YOU FUCKING NITWIT. Also, apparently you're backing up your “encrypted” communications to your iCloud account, you shitbrained Luddite motherfucker. And not only are you WITNESS TAMPERING USING ACCOUNTS UNDER FBI SURVEILLANCE, you're doing so in partnership with a former Russian intelligence officer? Dude. DUDE.

...now more than ever, Paulie, you are truly, madly, deeply...#Manafucked. If there are any continuing education opportunities in the jail they send you to (hearing June 15th), you should look into that shit.

Oh look, some gunhumping maniac called in a SWAT “prank” on Parkland survivor/gun control activist David Hogg! Remember kids, when you disagree with someone on a hot-button issue, send militarized police to their home, who knows, they might just get murdered! To the oozing colon polyp who tried to get a teenager killed, I hope they find you, buddy. I hope they find you, try you, convict you, and sentence you to 60 years in a nursing home septic tank.

Joke of the Day: Sarah Huckabee Slanders says “I think you all know I'm an honest person, who works extremely hard to provide you with accurate information." HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHH, oh shit, that's CLASSIC.

The Uncredible Huck is rather testy on the subject of her (utterly non-existent) honesty, what with the revelation that Team Treasonweasel has been flat-out lying about Boss Shart's role in drafting Shart, Jr.'s initial statement responding to the then-breaking news of his Hot Russian Spies Want 2 Collude With U meeting, which was, lest we forget, equal parts horseshit and bullpucky.**

And while it's certainly fun watching these garbage people squirm when they get caught, don't forget the strategy behind it all. They have a very large army of totally brainwashed drones who will believe anything they're told, no matter how ludicrous. And they're betting that when it comes down to it, their drones outnumber the decent folk who see through all their bullshit. And they'll be right, if you don't get everyone you know to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.

Meanwhile Mitch McConnell cancelled most of the Senate's August recess, because he's terrified the coming blue tsunami will wash his ass out to sea, and he's really more of a tortoise than a turtle when it comes down to it.

The Sunny D-Bag lost another case in court (because he is a big ol’ loser who loses all the time), and had to reinstate some Twitter accounts that he blocked like a coward (because in addition to being such a giant loser, he's also an enormous coward), but Fuckhead is actually appealing the ruling, because there's probably nothing more useful the FUCKING JUSTICE DEPARTMENT could be doing with its resources.

I guess it takes a month for the Shart House to fire somebody for mocking a political enemy for the TOTES HILARIOUS reason that he has brain cancer. Kelly Sadler's replacement will probably be that screaming white boy from the Charlottesville photos, right?

A White House contractor was arrested, at the White House, on an attempted murder charge, and thank GOD we finally caught one before he got nominated to a cabinet post.

Oh man...this thing with the Philadelphia Eagles...you have to love how it demonstrates Fat Q*Bert's two most dominant traits: white supremacy and cringe-worthy neediness.

Oddly, after attacking NFL players relentlessly for months in order to score points with his hateyokel base, very few of the Super Bowl champion Eagles felt like coming to Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ party! And so he threw a tantrum, cancelled his party, and sent his shitty Press Secretary out to babble like a lunatic about how the whole thing was a conspiracy to make him look like a loser*, and that the players don't have free speech rights to protest anyway, because his Klansman's idea of patriotism trumps that silly ol’ first amendment, patriotism means fealty to your Spraytanned God Emperor and if you're no “patriot,” well maybe you don't deserve any speech!

I honestly don't know whether to rage at the dictatorial impulses, or laugh at the naked insecurity motivating them.

I would be remiss in my duties if I moved on without mentioning the rat bastards of Fux Nooz, stirring up the day's Two Minutes Hate at some pictures of what turned out to be Eagles players...praying. Yes, Donald Trump finally has the Evangelical crowd hissing and spitting at actual Christians in the act of prayer. Surprised?

Anyway, LeBron James and Steph Curry agreed that whoever won the NBA title this year, neither team would accept Shartboy's invitation even if there was cake, and instead of playing basketball against one another, they joined hands and sang songs of friendship.

But just to put God's Own Maraschino Cherry on top of this story...President Shartcannon replaced his football party with a Nebulous “America” Party to show just how much more America-y he is than those treacherous black players who think un-America things like “Black Lives Matter.” And the military choir sang “God Bless America” and the cameras zoomed in on our fake patriot dirtbag President, and OF COURSE he didn't know the words, just like he doesn't know the words to the national anthem, and to anybody who is still falling for this painfully obvious con, can I just say...

...I would really, REALLY like to play poker with you some time.

Anyway. I'm gonna watch the election results roll in now. So far, so good.

*Bro, your whole life is a conspiracy to make you look like a loser.

**Is this blog even in English anymore?

On Presidential Pardons, Pruitt's Pens, and Petulant Pedophiles (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey hey, Shower Captives. First weekend update in awhile, trying to get back to the old schedule. I'm swinging between extremes of laughing my ass at off at the absurd incompetence of the reigning regime and weeping uncontrollably at their cruelty, so cut me some slack if I break down in the middle of this shit.

(As always, I invite you to poke around on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/on-presidential-pardons-pruitts-pens-and-petulant-pedophiles/)

Ok, so the Marmalade Shartcannon pardoned felonious troll Dinesh D'Souza. Now, I understand this is a genuine abuse of power, and that it's a signal to all his crooked cronies who find themselves targets of Johnny Law, but can we just take a moment to appreciate how bonehead fucking dumb it is?


Y'know, if this cud-chewing doofus had half a fucking brain in his head, if he were mentally capable of fully exploring his capacity to abuse the powers of his office, we would be righteously fucked, folks. Instead it's “If I charge the secret service to piss at my club, I can make a couple bucks,” and “give the funny TV man a pardon.”

...and now he wants to pardon Martha Stewart and Rod Blagojevich*? Fucking of COURSE he does. Prison is for nobodies, not celebrities. Helluvan ethical system you've got there, Fuck-O.

Whelp, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits launched his pudding-brained trade war on America's closest allies. The E.U., Canada, and Mexico promptly announced retaliatory tariffs, as everyone knew they would, (Justin Trudeau in particular hulked the fuck out, which had to feel good after so many months of gritting his teeth and placating the spoiled toddler he's been babysitting.) so now, lucky us, we the American people get to pay the price for this dope's bullheaded bullying!

Take, for example, Iowa's pork industry. Already crotch-punted by Sharthead's trade policy to the tune of $560 million. Nice job with those electoral votes, Iowa.

This, of course, is how the world will treat Lil’ Donnie's trade war. They'll hyper-target his base, and swing states, and just keep punching our economy in the dick until he either caves or gets replaced. That's not a threat, that's a spoiler. In the meantime, a whole lot of Americans have to suffer needlessly. Many will lose their jobs. And all to placate one buffoon's insatiable ego.

Of course President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive thinks he's just getting warmed up. Visions of a total ban on German luxury cars from the American market apparently dance in his head like sugarplum fairies (or more likely, teenage beauty pageant contestants changing), because after all what is the President's job if not to hand-select which products we're allowed to buy?

Along the same lines, Team Turdwaffle is said to be toying with a plan to force companies to purchase energy from coal and nuclear plants no matter what that dumb ol’ free market says, because he literally wants to reshape the entire country's economy to serve his rage-filled base, no matter the cost. Expect an executive order forcing Elizabeth Warren to work as Joe Arpaio's butler any day now.

Anyway, everybody is mad at America for these dickbag trade moves, and all the other Finance Ministers at the G7 meeting made Steve Mnuchin sit in the corner, and they laughed at him and called him names, and wouldn't let poor Mnuchbag join in any Finance Minster games.

NPR released a hilarious recording of Michael Cohen auditioning for a community theatre production of DO I AMUSE YOU?: THE GOODFELLAS MUSICAL. The former - hang on, I'm being told this recording is of an actual attempt by Cohen to threaten a journalist, in real life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

We haven't heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk in some time, but he said he had some stuff for us today. What's the latest in Abject Horror, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: (quivers in silent revulsion)

Welllllll...I assume you want to talk about the Florida jury that awarded the family of a black man killed by police a settlement totaling four dollars, later reduced to four cents, and then reduced to nothing at all?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, Cap, that's pretty fucking disgusting. What kind of monstrous crotchtumor trolls a grieving family?

I got nuthin', Bill, that's fucking gross. Anyhow, the n-

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WAIT!

Sorry, what?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I'm...not done.

Oh...uh, go ahead Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I...I can't. It's too horrible. Even for me.

Sure you can, Bill. Just take a deep breath, spit it out, and we'll move on to the rest of the news.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Ok. Soooooooooooo...there's this congressional candidate in Virginia and he's a white supremacist who did time in prison for threatening to kill Obama and that's not even CLOSE to the worst part because he's also a pedophile who runs a message board for incels and raped his wife and advocates shit that's even worse than what I've listed here but I won't subject anybody to that, click here only if you have a strong stomach.

(Long uncomfortable silence. Bill and Cap both vomit.)

Jesus. That's dark shit. Allow me to lift your spirits a smidge before we move on, with the following tale of Scumfuck Comeuppance:

HuffPo journalist Luke O'Brien dug up the identity of an Unusually Hateful Even For Twitter Islamophobic Troll (and shudder at the implications of that phrase), who was perfectly happy to vomit up the nastiest, most dehumanizing shit from the comfort of anonymity, but is melting down now that she's lost her safe space.

Yes, Amy Mekelburg now has to own her vileness for the first time, and she thinks that's unfair! Her husband lost his job (GOOD), and now she's devoting herself to an all-new crusade: WHINING. Drop by her Twitter profile, where she's gushing tears so hard I hope the levees in her town are in good repair. I don't get it, Amy! If the cause is so noble, why have you been so reticent to sign your name to it?

Bloomberg says Shartolo Colon's net worth dropped $100 million over the last year, as the Trump brand's desirability settled down somewhere between “explosive diarrhea” and “oozing scrotum pustule.” I wonder if the Bloomberg estimate fully compensates for all the taxpayer money Fuckhead is grifting, though. You known this goon stuffs his pockets with silverware before leaving work.

Donnie Two-Scoops had to fly down to Texas to beg rich people for money, and General Kelly told him that due to the proximity to the latest school shooting, he had to meet with some of the victims’ families, and Donnie whined “Do you I have to?” and Kelly said “Yes you have to, and try to show a little empathy,” and the President said, “What's empathy?” and they convened a meeting with every single person in their entire misbegotten administration and not one of them could answer that question.

The meeting went better than expected, but only because the President refrained from hitting on any of the grieving mothers. Also, he only referred to the murderer as “wacky,” rather than “a very fine person,” so y'know...baby steps.

So, Homeland Security says they found traces of “surveillance devices for intercepting cellphone calls and texts...operating near the White House,” which is SUPER WEIRD because it's not like President refuses to obey security protocols and insists on using an unsecured phone OH WAIT. In Sharty McFly's defense, he's probably just trying to make his Russian supervisors’ jobs easier, so in a way he's being thoughtful.

So the frothy band of trolls we call “the American right,” butthurt over the 100% justified firing of that one shitty sitcom lady and desperate to claim a reciprocal scalp of their own, play-acted a little faux outrage over Sam Bee saying the naughty c-word, and we all laughed at them because they somehow imagine that, after enthusiastically supporting a man of such obscene words and deeds as Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “What, is it weird that I talk so much about being sexually attracted to my daughter?”) they have any moral high ground to preach from.

Dorito Mussolini himself weighed in, suggesting Bee should lose her job, because it's much more fun to casually shit on the first amendment than to slog through all that other boring President work like “Learning about the complexities of diplomacy with North Korea before demanding a Nobel Prize.”

Anyway, on the one hand, it's appalling to see the President of the United States using his pulpit to attempt to punish a private citizen for critical speech. On the other, it's kind of fun because he totally fucking failed, which is the one thing he does best.

And leading conservative intellectual Niall Ferguson apparently colluded with young Republicans at Stanford to acquire “opposition research” on a liberal student, and I honestly can't imagine anything more pathetic than that. Niall's whining on the internet about conservatism going extinct on campuses, and hey, maybe part of the reason for that is how your movement has devolved into a giant pile of the shittiest people on Earth acting like total scumbags? Like, say, award-winning historians digging up dirt on fucking college kids? For example?

Also, a Florida Republican, a Rubio campaign figure and former state lawmaker, is somehow confused, and even indignant, that her comparison of former President Barack Obama to a cartoon monkey is being interpreted by libtard snowflakes as kinda racist. That happened in real life, friends. Real. Life.

And Rick Santorum said something stupid. Story at 11.

The feral rubes of Cult 45 have turned on Trey Gowdy for refusing to parrot Pumpkin Spice Himmler's ridiculous “spygate” lies. Gowdy sat alone in his study, gazing mournfully out the window while reflecting on his own role in his once-proud political party's decent into madness and HAHAHAH just kidding self-awareness is for CUCKS.

The latest target of the Mueller investigation is Jared Kushner's close, personal, friend, and holy shit, y’all, Jar-Jar has FRIENDS?!?!? I'm having a hard time figuring out how anyone could sit down and listen to that creepy, reedy, ghost-of-a-car-alarm voice of his for any substantial length of time.

I feel like I've written thirty different versions of this paragraph, but here we go again...the Candycorn Skidmark tipped off the markets about the month's jobs data, which he is absolutely not allowed to do. Once again, this would have been the single biggest scandal of the entire fucking Obama administration, the GOP would've dragged him from his bed and crucified him on the White House lawn, and it's BARELY A STORY here on the malfunctioning Ferris Wheel of Scandal we've been trapped on for FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DAYS.

Hilarious little article on Politico about how the Shart of the Deal is actually exceptionally crappy at deals. The Apprentice negotiation details are particularly choice. I tell you folks, as an experienced haggler...I'm confident I could take him.

I have never enjoyed anything in my life as much as Scott Pruitt enjoys wasting taxpayer money. Now we find out he's been spending thousands of dollars on fancypants pens. PENS. There's a certain breed of douchey businessjag types who subscribe to the notion of the Ridiculously Overpriced Pen as a status symbol. Me, I think that's silly. I'll spend 80 bucks total on pens over the course of my entire life, thanks. Leaves more money for the really important things, like superhero masks and bathrobes.

Are there any spending scandals left for Pruitt? Is there any more corruption he can squeeze in? Front page of the Post tomorrow: “EPA Chief Pruitt Employs ‘Toenail Steward’ to Preserve His Clippings for Posterity, at $350,000 annual salary.”

...and then by Thursday we find out he was having the toenail clippings gold plated.


Let's round up all the North Korea news real quick, just so we can appreciate how thoroughly our Idiot Manchild President has been owned, pwned, and otherwise totally cucked by this ass-backwards third world dictatorship.

So Weehands McNodick un-cancels the Singapore summit, only with expectations downgraded from “I'll be coming home with all their nukes in the trunk of the car” to “Here's my number so call me maybe?” PISS IN OUR TIME.

And this North Korean spy, spymaster really, gets invited into the Oval Office (again, the sort of legitimacy these thugs have been horny for for decades), and he gives Fat Q*Bert a comically oversized letter, which simultaneous plays to his ego, AND sets up a photo op where his tiny, inadequate hands look even tinier and inadequater.

Meanwhile, the much-ballyhooed destruction of NK's nuclear test site, praised by the rightwing nutjobosphere as an unprecedented concession extracted by a master dealmaker...was probably faked.

Oh, and just to really rub America's face in shit, we have to pay for these dirtbags’ hotel in Singapore, because Kim Jong-un is a broke-ass scrub, but we have to be “discreet” about at so as not to wound the broke-ass scrub's pride.

GAWD this is embarrassing. The American President getting played, over and over again, by these 10-cent autocrat hooligans WHO CAN'T PAY FOR THEIR OWN DAMN HOTEL. It's like investing all your money a ponzi scheme run by a hamster.

KKKris KKKobach, currently running for Governor of Kansas (egads), appeared in a parade with a giant gun, I guess because he feels “I am extremely insecure in my manhood” is a winning campaign pitch.

Hey, remember that German ambassador nominee? The one that Dems held up for weeks because of what a bad fucking idea it was to make him an ambassador? Well, holy fuckballs, it was a BAD FUCKING IDEA to make him an ambassador! I'm gonna do something I would normally never do, and post a link to Breitbart, where Ric Grenell (which autocorrects, amusingly, to Grendel) talks about “empowering” Trumpy right-wing elements in Europe which is NOT YOUR JOB, BRO.

Seriously, I'm not gonna claim to be an expert in international relations, but this assclown thinks he'll just sit down with Angela Merkel and go, “Yeah, I'm here to advocate for your domestic opponents, now make with the diplomacy, lady!” and, um...that isn't going to go very well.

In the midst of all his greater atrocities, Baron Fatfuk refused to recognize Pride Month for the second year running, because he's as petty as he is evil. Just the latest in a series of actions that declare, “I'm only for the shittiest straight white fake Christians among you, and if you're not the type to attend one of my hate rallies, you're just a little bit less than fully human.”

And the President is still hiding his wife from the public, which is just one more super normal thing that's happening. The First Lady Disappearing for 3 Weeks Without Explanation is like, the “vanilla” of Things Having to do with the First Lady.

I guess the big news is the Flock of Assholes Drumpf hilariously calls his “legal team” leaking the memo they sent to the Mueller investigation to the Failing New York Times. The memo is such a shitty memo that Devin Nunes’ memos, previously thought to be history's shittiest memos, are laughing at this memo because it is so much shittier.

The gist of the memo is that because Government Cheese Goebbels is the President, “the law” is not really a thing for him. He doesn't have to obey any stupid subpoenas, and he can't obstruct justice because the Justice Department works for him, personally, and they have to do what he says, like if he called up Rod Rosenstein and told him he has to go down the hall and give Jeff Sessions a lap dance, Rowdy Roddy has to say “How hard would you like me to grind, Mr. President?"

Anyway, Rudy Giuliani is stumbling around the various cable networks, practically daring Mueller to take his legal D-team to court, which is a bit like Rush Limbaugh challenging LeBron to a game of Horse, but then, Rudy still thinks he can solve his client’s very large, very serious legal problems with TV appearances, so perhaps we should just say “bless his little heart” and walk away.

Seriously, Rudy is the worst goddamn helper I have ever seen. Highlights from recent appearances include “The President can pardon himself not that he's done anything wrong but he totally can hey maybe he just wants to pardon himself for being awesome like as a joke,” and “Getting caught lying about dictating Junior's bullshit letter about his God Yes I Want to Collude With You meeting is exactly why we don't want Don to testify because holy shit does he ever a lie a lot.”

...Rudy's kind of the Pippin of the Drumpf “Fellowship,” if you take my meaning. As if to prove my point, while I was writing, the asshole literally suggested Blump could not be indicted for COMMITTING A MURDER THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHED HIM COMMIT while he was in office.

And Michael Cohen wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Fuck, y’all, I'm just gonna write “Eat Me” on everything in the pantry in the hope that I can grow my way out of this jagoff Wonderland.

*SHOWER CAP FACT: I have pissed on Rod Blagojevich's lawn. A few times, actually.
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