TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWith Friends Like Rudy Giuliani, Who Needs Special Counsels? (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Fucking hell, what a weekend. You saw where John Lewis was suddenly hospitalized and you were all, “2018, you motherfucker! DON'T. YOU. DARE.”
I bet you know this by now, but you can find this post, with all sortsa helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/with-friends-like-rudy-giuliani-who-needs-special-counsels/
But then Lewis was discharged with a clean bill of health, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg said she was planning on serving for at least five more years, and then she bench-pressed a Cadillac. So you exhaled. And you smiled. Because even nowadays the news isn't all bad.
More good news! One of the frothier loons that snuck into the federal government on Baron Golfin von Fatfuk's moth-eaten coattails, a Pizzagater and Seth Rich Truther named Ximena Barreto, has finally resigned. One less, Resisters...one less!
The overarching theme of the last few days’ worth of news is how the Republican Party has thrown in towel on any semblance of decency or rationality. “Fuck it! We're a hate cult for the shittiest losers on the planet now! We stuck a rotting human nervous system inside a giant pile of cow shit, painted it orange, slapped a corn husk on top, and we worship it as our God!
Like, you saw that statistic where 91% “strong supporters” of the Marmalade Shartcannon trust him to provide “accurate information,” vs 11% who say the same about the media? I'm just shaking my goddamn head at that, friends. Imagine being given the awesome gift of a human life, with free will, and the magnificent instrument that is a human brain, and just haphazardly turning it all over to the most blatant of con men. Is it really THAT much fun to get together every so often with your fellow enraged idiots to chant “lock her up?”
It's not even mere white supremacy anymore. It's specifically Supremacy for Just the Shittiest White People, and We Demand it at ANY COST.
...ANY COST, even shutting down the government, harming millions of Americans and needlessly draining billions of dollars from the economy if Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops doesn't get his Big Stupid Wall!
(Honestly though, when you hear Il Douche threatening a shutdown right before the midterms if he doesn't get his ridiculously-unpopular way, the only question you can ask is, “What do you think Chuck Schumer will do with his other two wishes?”)
...ANY COST, even if it means getting in bed with a maniac conspiracy theorist like Alex Jones, that frothy, sloppy, fucker who terrorizes Sandy Hook families and pretends to be a tough guy even though he got totally cucked by Yogurt. The likes of Lou Dobbs and Tucker Carlson are pretty sure the Constitution meant to include a bit about guaranteeing the largest possible platform for hate-mongers to baselessly accuse grieving parents of being crisis actors involved in false flag operations, but Madison had to make some cuts to pin down the TV rights.
Yeah, Liar Tuck will jump all over never-Trumpers like Bill Kristol, but by Gawd, Alex Jones must be given a goddamn megaphone to vomit his fraudulent bile! Once again, it's not really about “conservatism” anymore, it's just a cult. Jones is a madman, but he's a Trumpy madman! Kristol, Frum, Rubin...heretics in the only way that counts.
...ANY COST to the American economy, of course! Fuckin’ RIGHT we want to pay more for Coca-Cola products due to needless aluminum tariffs, because having money is nice and all, but chest-puffing, empty, gestures of faux “strength” are so much better, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T PAY MY ELECTRIC BILL WITH BRAGGADOCIO?
...ANY COST, including merrily passing all the fruits of economic growth on to an increasingly unaccountable plutocrat class! Oddly, corporations and the rich folks who own and operate them spent their GOP-gifted tax windfall on stock buybacks, rather than employee wages or benefits, who coulda seen THAT coming...except everyone?
Meanwhile, real wages are down. WAY down. I guess the idea is we're supposed to look lovingly at the rising numbers in the stock market or GDP growth and just beam with pride at how well our wealthy overlords are doing, cuz us poor peasant schlubs? We ain't feelin’ these gains.
...ANY COST, clearly including conspiring with a hostile foreign nation to seize political power! Yeah, ever since the Cohen bombshell last week (you remember the one, that alleges Boss Shart knew all about the famous Trump Tower meeting in advance, and thus is big ol’ colludin’ traitor who will be fucked seven ways from Sunday once the law finally catches up to him?) the new hot take on the right seems to be Oh What's So Bad About a Little Collusion Anyway, Hush Up and Finish Your Peas.
Retiring Congressjag/Act I Ebenezer Scrooge Understudy Darrell Issa says hey, “nobody's going to be surprised” if the sitting American President turns out to have broken a fuckton of laws in colluding with the Russian military, because the bar has been lowered so far, even single-celled organisms can no longer limbo beneath it.
Dana Rohrabacher popped out of Putin's colon just long enough to offer his two rubles’ worth: “Surely anyone red-blooded American politician would collude with the Russian government! I know I would, and I am a typical All-American Boy! I love Bruce Springski, and also the Baseball Game! I am as American as apple pee! Fuck, I mean, pie!”
Meanwhile, everybody in the right-wing Enabler-o-Sphere is caught up in the latest dance craze by a hot new act called Rudy Giuliani and the Goalposts, and let me tell you, those zany cousin-fuckers can really MOVE!
Yep, Rudy's transitioned seamlessly from “he didn't do it,” to “he did it, but it's not a crime,” and in a couple of months he'll insist “trading Alaska to Putin in exchange for Trump Organization debt relief is not only constitutional, but patriotic!”
I don't want to seem like I'm criticizing the “legal strategy” of sending a deranged old fool out on television to scream gibberish, but Rudy seems to have a bad habit of inconveniently undermining his client, like today when he seemed to confess that his client not only knew about the I Would Collude 4 U meeting in advance, but that he held a meeting to strategize about it, and that future cooperating witness Rick Gates was there. WHOOPSIE.
All I'm sayin’ is...if Rudy Giuliani ever pops up in your life, offering to help you, even if you're trapped in a blizzard with a flat tire and you're 300 miles from civilization...just tell him to move along.
...ANY COST, up to and including...death? I guess? That's what this group of soybean farmers says, anyway. Folks, I can understand the psychology of folks who bury their heads in the sand and pretend Sharty McFly isn't actually doing the things he's doing. But when you clearly understand the dipshit is taking a jackhammer directly to your balls, and you salute and say “T-t-t-hank you s-s-sir m-m-may I have another?” What the FUCK? Like, literacy tests for voting are clearly wrong, but maybe we should take a long, hard, look at sanity tests...
And somehow, somebody thought it was a good idea to let these demented cud-brained dipshits download MOTHERFUCKING 3-D PRINTABLE FIREARMS right in the comfort of their own homes. Well, shit, that should fill the void left by the Roseanne cancellation.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchin says he might just lift sanctions on a Russian aluminum company founded by Putin Pal/Manafort Associate/All-Around Thug Oleg Deripaska, but all the Big Dumb Trade War tariffs on our oldest, most loyal, allies remain in place, because those are the priorities of your “America First” regime.
Oh, and it looks like Ol’ Mnuchbag is toying with the idea of just inventing a new bit of executive authority in order to give the Trumps and Wilbur Rosses and, now that you mention it, the Steve Mnuchins of the country...wait for it...YET ANOTHER $100 billion tax cut. The populism is so thick you could cut it with a knife, though I doubt they'll let us serfs own knives for very much longer...
Sigh...I suppose you're expecting me to cover the "Bigfoot Erotica” kerfuffle in the Virginia 5th. I assure you, such things are well beneath my dignity, now if you'll excuse me, I have some poop jokes to compose!
Sean Spicer is threatening to sue the Associated Press for...reporting on something that happened. It happened so hard it was even recorded. Somebody oughta tell Spicey about the Streisand effect. Oh, and also the first amendment. If you've got the time to cover "right and wrong," that'd probably be helpful.
Let's see, what else, whaaaaaat ellllllllse? Oh, I see Chuck Grassley's response to Shartboy, Jr. apparently lying to Congress (that's a crime, by the way) was a rousing, “MEH.” Maybe we can get Chuckie to clarify the exact amount of wealth and/or power one has to accumulate before one is officially above the law.
At a mini-press conference today, Government Cheese Goebbels, who never bothers to think before speaking, offhandedly proclaimed he'd meet with Iranian President Rouhani without preconditions. Rouhani's probably looking at the thorough fleecing administered to the Shart of the Deal by Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin, and licking his lips like a cartoon wolf.
Coming this fall to a Fox affiliate near you: Jeff Sessions’ Religious Liberty Task Force! Have you seen the trailer? It's just three minutes of cops crashing through bakery windows where gay people are browsing, and dudes in SWAT gear clipping Kim Davis’ toenails.
What's this, now? Somebody hacked Wikileaks and published thousands of their DMs for all the world to see? GodDAMN that's hilarious. If you listen closely, you can hear Justice having multiple orgasms at this news.
And now I see North Korea is actively developing new missiles, in spite of the comprehensive peace agreement they signed in the President's mind. Satellite images are blurry, but sources say the North Koreans appear to be writing “Little Donnie is a Cuck” on every warhead.
Anyway, it's Medicaid's birthday, and Medicare's too! Two birthdays means double the celebration...can somebody check in to make sure I get home alright? I don't wanna miss the Manafort trial...
Jim Jordan Thinks He's Going to be Speaker of the House. He's the Don Quixote of Douchebags. (F/SC)
Hey, I guess they found water on Mars? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. My bags are packed, y’all. Rocket me the fuck off this planet before somebody does something legitimately insane, like invent mayonnaise-flavored ice cream.
...GODDAMMIT!
(As usual, this post is available, with nifty, helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/jim-jordan-really-thinks-hes-going-to-be-speaker-of-the-house-hes-the-don-quixote-of-douchebags/)
There probably isn't any money left for space travel anyway, since we're passing 12 billion taxpayer dollars on to big agribusiness to insulate them from the entirely predictable consequences of Boss Shart's Big Stupid Trade War.
While farmers are far from the only ones getting crotch-punted by this Dotard's bull-in-a-china-shop economic tantrum, they do seem to be the only ones in line for a fat government bailout. This administration works exclusively on behalf of the President's base, you see. All you Resisters out there will be walking organ farms for MAGA Nation before long.
Hey, I don't want to be accused of being a slave to the latest trends or anything, but I've decided I want IN on this gaslighting shit. If President Shartcannon can unashamedly tell a gathering of veterans “what you are seeing and what you are reading is not what’s happening,” then I'm going FULL ORWELL from now on.
Therefore, I assure you, you are not smelling what you think you're smelling, my friends. Whatever your senses may be telling you, I in no way enjoyed a hearty side of baked beans with my lunch at the new BBQ joint in town, and the gaseous consequences of those beans are most certainly not leaking out of my ass with terrifying regularity. Shower Cap tells you to reject the evidence of your nose! It is my final, most essential command!
Word on the street is, during a recent trip about Air Force One, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting walked in on Melania watching CNN, saw her gazing longingly at Jake Tapper, and he threw a sad little fit, flailing his wee T-Rex paws all over the place. Because the President of the United States of America is a afraid of reality. Sleep tight!
The President's Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard, generated a little controversy during a speech to the Shittiest Teenagers in America Club, joining them in a “lock her up” chant. Some might look upon the spectacle of the nation's chief law enforcement official gleefully cheering for the baseless persecution of a political opponent and be chilled to their very core.
On the other hand, who can blame Jefferson for enjoying a little chuckle? Is a man not allowed to delight in the fruits of his life's work? Was he not watching his beloved Republican Party finally descend into nothing more than a gibbering rage cult, dutifully regurgitating whatever hateful slogans they've been fed?
Aw, poor Princess Ivanka announced that she'll be shutting down her fashion line, in order to focus full-time on fending off her father's sexual advances. We're all super-confident that this decision has nothing whatsoever to do with her products being kicked out of major retailers for poor performance stemming from the fact that her shitty family name has about as much brand appeal as moose diarrhea.
I know I shit on this administration a lot, but can I just say, FINALLY, somebody's standing up to all those filthy little takers who have been defrauded by scam for-profit “universities,” bleeding America dry with their cries for “debt relief!” Silly serfs! If you stop generating wealth for the predatory upper classes, they'll simply open the Soylent Green factories a few years ahead of schedule! YOU WON'T WHINE ABOUT STUDENT DEBT WHEN YOU'VE BEEN PROCESSED INTO A SMALL STACK OF LIGHTLY-FLAVORED NUTRIENT WAFERS, I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!
(You just know Betsy DeVos spends her spare time working on a screenplay, an update of It's a Wonderful Life where Mr. Potter beats George Bailey to death with a walking stick, right in the middle of the town square, daring any of the peasants to stop him.)
You probably saw where somebody untied one of Betsy's yachts, doing $10,000 worth of damage to the $40 million craft. Anyway, the DeVos clan has ten grand in their sofa cushions, and nine additional yachts, but thank God we cut their taxes a few months back, right?
Sean Spicer is out on his silly little book tour, desperate to find an audience for the Tale of a Boy Who Betrayed His Country by Lying Daily for a Wannabe Dictator but Got Fired Anyway Because He Even Sucked at That. The film version will just be 85 minutes of John C. Reilly self-flagellating. Ol’ Spicey apparently can afford neither editors (his book is full of blatant errors) nor publicity (he's reduced to authoring columns singing his own praises, since no one else seems willing), which is just.
But damn if he didn't get JUST the treatment he deserved on the BBC. “Hey Sean, you're not actually a dumb-but-cuddly teddy bear who told a few adorable fibs,” said interviewer Emily Maitlis, “You're a complicit sack of shit who intentionally attacked the very concept of objective truth, you've fucked up the entire world, you suck, and you should be pelted with poo.”
...that may not be a direct quote. I skimmed the article.
Sharty McFly's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was smashed to bits...again. Somebody could repair it, I suppose, but it'll only get destroyed again. Perhaps in the future, obliterating the star will be a rite of passage for all decent Americans. And just wait 'till you see what we do Orange Julius Caesar’s Presidential library, if you're dumb enough to try building one.
The Trump/Cohen break-up is getting...sloppy. Mikey Dead-Eyes’ version of revenge porn turns out to be secret recordings of him and the Candycorn Skidmark discussing massive payouts to bury an illicit affair during closing days of the campaign.
Don't worry though. Withered Hate Raisin Rudy Giuliani assures us that even though Team Drumpf has been lying about this for months, nobody did anything wrong. Alan Dershowitz swears that Presidential campaigns setting up shell companies to pay blackmail is so common, it's like the Breyer's Vanilla of Things Presidential Campaigns Do. Rudy and Dersho are both lying, of course, but that's hardly news.
Anyway, what I think Mikey and Donnie should do next is get an apartment together, in a big city, maybe Minneapolis. They can have a reality show and America can laugh along with all their hijinks! Cohen would always leave the seat up on the golden toilet, and Don would keep inviting Russian hookers over to piss in Mike's bed. ZANY!
I tell you what, Melania must've been masturbating when Donnie walked in on her secret CNN binge on AF1, because the Shart House banned a CNN journalist, acting as a pool reporter, from an event, for the high crime of Asking the President a Question He Didn't Want to Answer. It's not just the authoritarianism, it's the PETTINESS, you know? Like Generalissimo Regina George.
Two of the Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus stopped snorting meth out of each other's assholes just long to introduce a measure to impeach everybody's favorite Deputy Attorney General, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein*. It's an appalling little act, trying to remove a law enforcement official who's heading up an important investigation into a major foreign attack on the United States. Still, it's also kinda funny, like watching the Three Stooges’ understudies trying to commit treason. Their articles of indictment include not only shit that was JUST completely debunked by the release of the Carter Page FISA authorization docs, but also stuff that literally happened during the Obama administration, i.e. before Rod was in the post they're trying to impeach him from.
Oh, and Jordan announced he's running for Speaker of the House, maybe because he believes reckless bonehead ambition will make his history of enabling sexual abuse magically disappear because...fuck, I don't know. Jimbo is not a bright boy. Dipshit thinks the next Speaker is gonna be a Republican, for fuck's sake.
While we lefties fight for things like education, health care, and reducing economic inequality, the driving issue for much of the conservative movement seems to be preserving the “right” to Pull Whatever Manic, Spittle-Drenched, Insanity You Want To Directly From the Darkest Depths of Your Own Ass and Have the Entire World Treat It as Objective Truth.
And so we find ourselves listening to conspiracy-theory-spewing dipshits like Matt Gaetz whining about being “shadow banned” from Twitter, even as Facebook twists itself up in knots looking to excuse giving InfoWars a platform while Alex Jones literally threatens to murder Robert Mueller.
Anyhow, Jones got a spanking from YouTube, and Facebook got a much (much) bigger spanking from the market. Gaetz‘s spanking will hopefully come in the form of spending the remainder of his political career flailing ineffectually in the minority.
But fake news remains a pestilence upon our lands, chums. Why, even Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP resists fact-checking! My god, if you can't trust a pampered white lady who tells you to steam clean your vagina, who can you trust?
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops had to postpone his play date with his best friend Vlad, because Mean Ol’ Robert Mueller says he “attacked America,” whatever! Anyway, Wee Don is super bummed, because he was all excited to show Putin his new toys, and also to give him that list of every American spy operating anywhere near Russia, which was the ONLY thing he asked for for his birthday.
Speaking of the Bobadook, the Failing New York Times reports he's looking at President Crotchvoid's history of dumbass Tweets as part of his obstruction o’ justice investigation. Perhaps Donald's best shot at the legacy he so desperately craves will be canonization as the Patron Saint of Own-Goaling.
Allen Weisselberg, CFO of the whole dang Shart Organization, has been subpoenaed as part of the Michael Cohen probe, and General Kelly ordered every chair, bed, and sofa in the West Wing coated with plastic so as to prevent permanent urine damage. Weisselberg is said to know where the money is hidden, where the bodies are buried, where the ketchup for the over-cooked steaks is stored. This is epically terrible news for Team Treasonweasel, so forgive me while I laugh until the veins in my neck rupture.
Oh, and the emoluments suit against Government Cheese Goebbels cleared another hurdle, too. Maybe we can almost forgive Fat Q*Bert for skipping his daily briefings; I imagine it's all the doddering old fool can do just to keep up with the legal paperwork.
E-mails from a whistleblower seem to reveal that a crack team of Columbus, OH vice officers plotted for months to arrest Stormy Daniels when her touring show came to town, only to run into the tragic fatal flaw of Not Reading the Law They Accused Her of Violating, So it Turned Out She Didn't Do Anything Illegal at All.
Dear lord. They worked on this for MONTHS, y’all. It's like MAGA Mission Impossible, a carefully-planned sting executed by the kind of cops who need written reminders in their bedrooms to put their pants on before their shoes.
Today, of course, is the court-ordered deadline for the government to reunite all the families they tore apart in their thwarted act of anti-refugee terrorism. The administration will be coming up significantly short, because, well, because they don't ultimately give a fuck. Hundreds of parents have already been deported without their children, who will probably be put to work polishing golf balls down at Marm-a-Lago now.
Further humiliation for the United States as European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker apparently navigated his meeting with Weehands McNodick by explaining trade to him using hand puppets and a Lite-Brite. Whether manipulating him with fake praise or literally using bright shiny colors to hold his attention, no one in the entire world treats our President like a grown-up, and if I may be so bold as to editorialize, that is a bad fucking thing.
Hey, remember Natalia Veselnitskaya? The lawyer who approached Shart, Jr., to say, “Hey kid, wanna collude with a hostile foreign power against your own country?” and Junior went, “BOY, WOULD I?” Well it turns out she's been telling sweet little lies about just how connected she is to the higher-ups in Mother Russia. I assume the kid has long since started wearing rubber underpants, in anticipation of stories like this.
Oh, and the same Russian agency that perpetrated all the fuckery in 2016 has already tried hacking Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill ahead of her re-election campaign. Reached for comment, former Senatorial candidate Todd Akin insisted that “if it was a legitimate hack, the campaign has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
And a bipartisan group of Senators introduced a bill that would prohibit the President from pulling the USA out of NATO without Senate approval, because THAT'S THE SORT OF LAW WE NEED NOW, ISN'T THAT JUST SWELL?
Good gravy. Jane, I have been courteous, and I have been forceful. It's been more than a year and a half, and I really must insist you let me off this crazy thing now.
BIG FAT FUCKING PS: Because I can't even write my little blog without the news exploding, it's now being reported that Michael Cohen is now willing to testify that Conman Don knew in advance about the famous Trump Tower Gimmie Dat Hot Collusion Action meeting, because he was in the room when it was discussed, and HOLY EFFING SHIT that is a newsworthy occurrence that I will process as soon as I am sober.
*Apologies to George Terwilliger fans
Today, Jason Spencer is a Raving Maniac. In 2024, He Will Be the Republican Nominee for President.
Anybody else holding out hope that one morning, you'll wake up in your bed back on the farm in Kansas, with Aunt Em and Uncle Henry and three farmhands who look suspiciously like Adam Schiff, Robert Mueller, and Rachel Maddow huddled around you, and maybe that night you even celebrate your recovery by butchering the mean old hog with...suspiciously familiar features?
No? Just me? Well, one way or another, you can find this post WITH helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/today-jason-spencer-is-raving-maniac-screaming-slurs-while-chasing-a-man-with-his-bare-ass-in-2024-he-will-be-the-republican-nominee-for-president/
So we've got this thing with the Trump/Cohen tapes. I think I'm supposed to say “Lordy there are tapes” because back in the day Jazzy Jim Comey was all, “Lordy I hope there are tapes” so every time a story about any kind of recording pops up now, everybody says “Lordy” but maybe I should try to do better, like “Lordy Lordy look who's forty!” only that would only work if there were like, EXACTLY forty tapes, so what about, “Sex, lies, and audiotapes!” or "Michael Cohen: Lord(y) of the Tapes! One Tape to Rule Them All! And like, Avenetti is Frodo, or maybe Aragorn is better, or...
...or maybe I should drop it and move on. There are some tapes. Mikey and Donnie are in the early stages of a Clueless-worthy friendship breakup that might just wind up bringing down a Presidency. Lordy.
Hey, before we go any further, a quick reminder that, due to a toxic cocktail of racist cruelty and unforgivable incompetence, hundreds of children in U.S. custody remain separated from their families. Much like the abandonment of Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, this unspeakable crime against humanity is quickly becoming just another fact of life under this dirtbag regime. Please don't allow this atrocity to become normalized, and please don't stop fighting.
Ok, we can get back to gags now.
Here's one: DNI Dan Coats was accused of “going rogue” by high-ranking Shart House officials because he sat down with a journalist for a little while and was more or less honest. Yes, America, your ruling party equates truth with betrayal. That's just how things are in this Orwell-by-way-of-Jeff-Foxworthy nightmare.
You might want to check out the traditional weekend Everybody's Leakin’ at Me behind-the-scenes round-up from the Washington Post. The President remains perplexed that his record of failure and treason hasn't been met with widespread praise. Fun detail this week: Mr. Tuff Boy gets pissy when a reporter is allowed to ask him a difficult question. Strength!
Seems one of Serial Pedophile Roy Moore's biggest backers, who happens to be the very same scumfuck Sheriff who enriched himself by pocketed funds meant to feed inmates, finds himself accused of swapping drugs for sex with teenage girls. Y'know, I'm starting to think that maybe there are a few problems with the law enforcement community down in Alabama.
Looks like the “Manhattan Madame” has been contacted by the Mueller investigation to testify, probably about her good buddy Roger Stone, and by the way I guess Roger Stone is close friends with a procurer of prostitutes, which explains his ascension to the highest ranks of the conservative movement. Um...there's really not much to this story, but sex sells, right? ARE YOU NOT TITILLATED? While you're all aroused n’ shit, I guess I'll sneak in a link to my tip jar.
The Giant Bonehead Trade War is going swimmingly, so long as you ignore the mound of stories about the economic fallout piling up like the billions of pounds of unpurchased meat and poultry accumulating in warehouses, just the latest example of an American industry enduring a senseless crotch-stomping thanks to Boss Shart's petulant tariff-flinging.
Luckily, our Field Marshall in this struggle is that Eisenhower of the Economy, the Baron of Bankruptcy himself! Dumbshit says, and probably even believes, that stock market gains, already vanishing due to his reckless fiscal fuckery, give him some sort of fanciful breathing room to throw wrenches into the global economy, because “we're playing with the bank's money,” you see.
Everybody got that? If you happen to be a worker laid off from Missouri's Mid Continent Nail Corporation, or an Iowa soybean farmer wondering how you'll make ends meet this year, or a Harley-Davidson worker watching your job take an extended European vacation, your LIFE is “the bank's money” to your President. A meaningless plaything for a blithering man-baby to toss about in a pudding-brained bid to demonstrate “strength.”
Lindsey Graham bravely states that he's “willing to accept some pain” for the sake of his Turd Emperor's idiotic experiment. Of course, the good Senator won't be the one experiencing the pain, losing the job, missing the rent payment, choosing whether to buy the children's school supplies or the life-saving medicine. That's YOUR job, peasants.
Well at least the Accidental Poosquirt's shitty made-in-China MAGA hats are another trade war causality. The world may be falling apart before my eyes, but shit like that keeps me laughing like some leashed jester in a Mad Max movie.
So, President Crotchvoid's tenure in office has been marked by blundering failure after blundering failure, from multiple botched Obamacare repeal attempts to somehow managing to get thoroughly conned by a clownish little thug like Kim Jong-un.
Of course, this all-too-reliable incompetence usually carries negative, even tragic consequences for the country and the world, but when you see it applied to the Velveeta Vulgarian's pathetic attempts at personal legal defense, it's refreshingly hilarious.
Take, for example, the historic self-own of releasing the Carter Page FISA authorization documents. I guess the idea was to undercut the Mueller investigation, or discredit the FBI, or...something, but what the release actually accomplished was proving that Fat Q*Bert’s desperate spin was 100% Grade A fortified horse manure all along, that Devin Nunes is a lackey and liar, and frankly shitty at both, that Carter Page abso-fucking-lutely deserved to be under surveillance, and that Democrats have been telling the truth from the beginning. Like, can any of the Dotard’s lawyers even read?
Of course, everyone on Team Treason, from the President's state media toadies to congressional enablers like Jim “Look the Other Way” Jordan, proclaimed complete exoneration, confident their zombie audience would merrily scarf down whatever plateful of shit they were served. “412 PAGES? TL
R? WIIIIIIITCH HUUUUUUUUNT!”
(And also the docs further prove that Trump University is now considered an Ivy League school, that the President's fingers are, if anything, unusually long, and that he dated Salma Hayek for six months, and in the end HE was the one to dump HER.)
Georgia State Representative Jason Spencer achieved overnight celebrity by screaming racial slurs and chasing Sacha Baron Cohen around with his bare ass in an attempt to turn him gay. Oh, and he's refusing to resign, perhaps because hell, shit can't get any worse, right? In related news, I am no longer capable of any level of surprise.
Spencer is actually the perfect standard-bearer for the modern GOP; a shrieking bigot without two brain cells to rub together, refusing to take responsibility for his own actions even after they've been broadcast around the world.
Around the same time Jason's professional life was ending, Circus Peanut Sydney Greentstreet, cranky at having been denied his second scoop of ice cream as punishment for shitting his pants over his campaign manager's impending trial, spent his Sunday evening shifting agitatedly in a pile of his own filth, resentment, and terror, until he decided to chase the voices in his head away for a minute or two by doin’ himself a little diplomacy.
And so he threatened Iran with some sort of vague but surely super-manly act of warlike violence, with an all-caps tweet composed in a state of mind not unlike that of a child who discovers his older brother has already claimed the prize at the bottom of the cereal box; just blind, petulant, juvenile rage.
And so suddenly we're back to wondering if the Manchurian Manchild will sneak downstairs one night while Kelly and Mattis are asleep, and launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike, murdering hundreds of thousands just to steal a positive news cycle or two.
Grampa Grifter was extra surly this morning, either because he didn't sleep or well, or maybe because THE MOTHERFUCKING WALLS ARE CLOSING IN AND AFTER SEVEN DECADES OF GETTING AWAY WITH EVERY CRIME FROM LARCENY TO SEXUAL ASSAULT TO HIGH GODDAMN TREASON JUST BECAUSE HIS DADDY WAS RICH, THE BILL'S FINALLY COME DUE. Hard to say really.
Anyway, he unleashed a tweetstorm with a tone somewhere between “Nicholas Cage's King Lear,” and “Hotel Fire at a Bath Salt Salesmen's Convention,” ranting about...oh honestly, who gives a shit? The usual lies and whinging. Whatever.
Yet another legal setback for our old chum Paul Manafort, as the judge granted immunity to five Mueller witnesses to testify against him. Paulie's so thoroughly #Manafucked at this point, he's walkin’ funny.
I see Rand Paul is doing another one of his trademark performance art pieces, where he pretends he's something other than just another garden-variety Republican hack who votes the party line every time it matters. Honestly, it's just repetitive and boring at this point. Zero Meowmeowbeenz.
Team Shitgibbon launched an attempt to strip California of the right to regulate the cleanliness of their own fucking air, because that really hits that pettiness/evil sweet spot (and more on that in just one short moment). This is likely to be just the first in a series of vindictive actions targeting blue states. My sources inform me other plans under consideration would involve the mandatory releasing of bees into all Massachusetts office buildings, filling all the reservoirs and water towers in Illinois with New Coke, and granting Stephen Miller Prima Nocta rights throughout the Pacific Northwest.
On the Bitchy Despotism front, Sarah Slanders proudly announced her scrotalrot boss was looking into revoking the security clearances of Obama and Bush era intelligence officials such as James Clapper, Andrew McCabe, and some fellah named “Comey,” for they periodically appear on his magic television box pointing out what a massive fuck-up he is, which makes him sad.
In that inimitable Shart House fashion, several of the officials listed no longer had any security clearances to revoke, so in the end, this mostly comes down to Penny-Ante Pol Pot throwing himself a wee tyrant tantrum that people are allowed to criticize him.
And now Precocious Paul's trial has been delayed a week, which is kinda disappointing but at least now the t-shirt I picked up at the merch booth should become a collector's item, because it has the original date on the back. Right?
What's this now? The Tangelo Taint Tumor's lawyers are trying to bargain with The Bobadook? Wee Don will answer questions relating to golf pants, Reince Priebus' pet peeves, and Ninja Turtle trivia, but any questions about crimes are OFF LIMITS! I bet that works out.
Jesus Fuck. Aunt Em? Aunt Em?!?!? AUNT EM WILL YOU PLEASE PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE?
All the Russia News You Can Shake a Stick At, and then More Russia News (Shower Cap/Ferret)
Greetings, Shower Captives! It is I, Shower Cap But From the Future! I have returned from the trenches of Montenegro in 2025 to warn you of the impending Fourth World War That's Right Montenegro Actually Starts Two Different World Wars in the Next Ten Years!
Anyway, Trump was right about everything! Well, maybe not the steaks. But everything else!
(As is customary, this post can be found, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/all-the-russia-news-you-can-shake-a-stick-at-and-then-more-russia-news-sale-on-shaking-sticks-in-the-shower-cap-store/)
Yes, in the midst of all his other treasonous activities (And yeah, there's more than one. It's been a week, folks.) Tangerine Idi Amin has been making noises about backing out of our NATO commitments for fear that the warlike people of Montenegro drag us into a major war by invading Narnia or Wakanda or some shit.
Would it surprise you that even the seemingly-random choice of Montenegro played right into Putin's grubby little paws? It shouldn't.
Truth be told, few Presidents have found themselves in direr straights than the Bonespur Buttplug l did this week. True, Harry Truman had to weigh the tremendous loss of life in ordering the atomic strikes on Japan, but Wee Don is wedged between the Rock of “universal condemnation of his traitorous submission to Putin in Helsinki” and the Hard Place of “Shit, y’all, I WISH it was just a pee tape, what Vlad has on me would curl your toes till they snapped.”
So he tried to walk back that lil’ thing where he BETRAYED THE WHOLE COUNTRY. “See, when I said ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don't we make Vlad President of us, too?’ what I meant was ‘Putin is the very best and also my valentine plus America suxx and why don't we make Vlad President of us, too?’...NOT!”
(To season the event with a little extra humiliation, like the Paprika of Shame, President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s notes were photographed, and either he can't spell “collusion” after all these years, or writing out the whole word is just too much for his tiny, inadequate, hands to take.)
Anyhow, to the submissive invertebrates of the Senate Republican Caucus, from Portman to Rubio, that was good enough. “Holy shit,” they crowed, “Ne’er have we seen such leadership, let's bulldoze Mount Rushmore and replace it with a giant statue of our Turd Emperor, where he is dating Salma Hayek!” for they are cowards.
Oh, and the Shart House seems to have doctored the official transcript of the notorious press conference (notorious for the treason, if you're just tuning in), omitting a key line about election interference and also the part where Drumpf offered to trade Manhattan Island to Russia in exchange for a fistful of shiny beads.
Shart Garfunkel would swing back to betrayal soon enough, however. Asked point blank if Russia still had their vodka-soaked thumbs up America's electoral butthole, he said NO rather definitively, even though the consensus of the American intelligence community is “Yes they do, and it would be rad if we could take action to remove that thumb, because they haven't clipped their nails in way too long.”
The backtracking spin this time was equally ridiculous, something like, “Oh, I thought you were asking if Ivanka let me touch her butt yet. Kind of a sore spot, so I got extra upset.”
And we had a debate whether or not the United States should extradite a former Ambassador to Russia so that Vlad could interrogate/torture him, because this is the sort of issue that’s on the table when your President is a Russian asset. NEAT.*
Negotiations fell apart at the last minute because Putin was unwilling to also take Jim Acosta, Jennifer Rubin, and Colin Kaepernick in the deal.
Anyway, the Senate passed a resolution condemning Government Cheese Goebbels’ proposal to HAND AMERICAN CITIZENS OVER TO MURDEROUS DICTATORS, which is the sort of thing Congress needs to do now, apparently.
Somehow, in the midst of all this foreign fuckery, the GOP blocked funding for election security in a major spending bill, because treasonous support for foreign interference is their last, best, shot at maintaining their minority grip on power. They also blocked Dems from subpoenaing Drumpfy's translator, the only other American present during the private, two-hour Helsinki meeting, because shit, maybe we'll get away with all of this crap and in the new world order we'll all get nifty uniforms with shiny buttons and really tall boots.
New details and fresh charges in the Maria Butina case, including accusations that she swapped Naughty Time Oh Mother Avert Mike Pence's Virgin Eyes with unknown right wing figures in exchange for access to their dirtbag organizations. Considering the jowly, wrinkly, old bastards she's been photographed with over the years, at least I'll give Maria this: she loves her country a whole lot more than Sharty McFly's cowardly Congressional enablers love ours.
(Early drafts of Oliver Stone's epic screenplay of this dumpster fire now include a cringey, twenty-minute-long, sex-well-kinda-almost scene between Butina and Rick Santorum. EW!)
In a coincidence so zany it would make the LOST writers room blush, Shartboy's IRS instituted new rules that allow organizations like the NRA to hide their donors from the public, even if said donors happen to be nookie-swapping Russian spies or ratfucking oligarchs. The idea seems to be that letting the American people know that a hostile foreign power is funding a murderous lobbying organization/death cult would violate somebody's free speech rights, because...um...y'see...LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S DAVE COULIER!
Do you want even MORE sketchy Russia news? Cuz I've got some! The State Department had a statement ready, condemning Vlad and Co. for that time they shot down a plane full of innocent people, because it was the anniversary of that particular act of mass-murder, and “shooting down planes full of people including a bunch of kids is bad” was once a relatively uncontroversial thing. But the statement was pulled by our not-at-all-colluding administration, since there is no collusion, nor even any colusion.
Jim Jordan, the Ohio CongressJerk who Hates Jackets More Than Pedophiles, used Treason Week as a distraction from his own scandals, no doubt tapdancing with glee now that the media has largely moved on. He's been named in a major lawsuit over the OSU sexual abuse scandal though, so his troubles are just beginning. GOOD.
Four members of the Homeland Security Advisory Council resigned for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that the terrorist policy of stealing children from their parents is “morally repugnant.” LIBRUL TEARS, RIGHT?
We're still dealing with that shit, by the way. Migrants in detention increasingly report horrific tales of abuse, but hey, at least this genuinely evil act came at the bargain-basement price of forty million dollars. Who knew curb-stomping the nation's values would come so cheap?
As dark as things may seem, Resistance is all around us, all the way up to the Motherfucking Queen of England, who apparently demonstrated her contempt for the visiting President by wearing her “Suck My Ass, You Bloated Shitgibbon” brooch during their meeting last week. Brooch Warfare seems to be the royal equivalent of shitposting memes.
Ted Nugent is an NRA board member and gun extremist who loves inciting violence and railing against “gun-free zones” which are the worst, freedom-obliteratingest things in the world unless they are Ted Nugent concerts. Or NRA conventions. Or the RNC. Basically, super-wealthy white dudes get to be safe and it's open season on the rest of us.
You've probably seen the headlines about Devin Nunes pissing away thousands of dollars in donor funds on personal luxuries, but what hasn't been widely reported is that his date for all those Celtics games was a Russian sow named Maria Berkshira, and she was under surveillance by the Mueller investigation before being sold to a Spam factory under suspicious circumstances.
Precocious Paul Manafort is on something of a losing streak. For starters, he's in jail, facing eleventy-billion indictments or something. His shitty little sidekick rolled over on him. And he keeps losing motions in court, most recently an attempt to suppress some of the evidence seized by the FBI in their raid of his home, on the grounds that Holy Fuck if a Jury Sees That I'm Righteously Screwed.
Mueller released a list of over 500 pieces of evidence for the #Manafucked One's upcoming trial. One Tad Devine features prominently, and I for one can't wait to see what that shit's all about.
I know there's trouble all around the world these days, but perhaps none of us have it worse that Republican CongressJag Jason Lewis, who is no longer allowed to call women “sluts” even though they are so very very slutty with their sex-wanting and sex-having. Actually, that's one of the nicer quotes CNN dug up from his time as a right-wing radio shock jock.
Lewis’ dehumanizing comments may leave you feeling sick to your stomach. Well, 10 out of 10 doctors recommend the following cure: donate to this taintrash's awesome Democratic opponent, Angie Craig.
Hey, there's an Arizona State Senate candidate who shot and killed his own mother, and is running for office on the awesomeness of guns specifically on the basis of shooting and killing his own mother, because we live in Wonderland Only If Lewis Carroll Did Meth.
(Oh, the dude's sister died and the house burned down and he confessed to murdering them and starting the fire, but then he un-confessed, lived his life, and now he wants to make laws. NEAT.)
The inspector general over at Interior opened a probe (heh) into Cowboy Ryan Zinke over a shady real estate deal involving the Chairman of Halliburton. Somewhere, a tear came to Scott Pruitt's eye, like a mama bird watching her baby spread his wings and fly for the first time.
The Failing New York Times reports that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits was indeed shown classified intelligence TWO WEEKS BEFORE his comically-under-attended inauguration demonstrating that yuh huh, Vlad Putin did indeed stick his thumb up American democracy's butt, and wiggle it around a bit because he hates us.
So yeah, he's had this information all this time, but he's been parroting the denials of the KGB thug who ordered an attack on the United States, but he's faced no consequences because patriotism is a partisan issue now.
American Terrorist/Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen wandered out to give a Trump Administration's Greatest Lies concert, like a Styx show at the third-best casino in town. All the greats from “Putin wasn't helping Trump” to “child separation wasn't our policy” to even “there were very fine people among the violent white supremacists at Charlottesville.” She backed up so many of the Shart’s ugliest bullshit talking points, Mike Huckabee adopted her.
We're just having all kinds of zany debates nowadays. “Should we extradite government officials to Putin's Russia?” “Are white supremacist terrorists indeed Very Fine People?” “Is broken glass an essential part of your child's balanced breakfast?”
Hey, you probably need some good news right about now, right? Like, reading the news is like being chased by zombies through a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and wouldn't it be nice to find, like, the last remaining Whatchamacallit on Earth while you're cowering in an abandoned gas station?
Well, I HAVE THAT WHATCHAMACALLIT. Ridiculously unqualified/racist as fuck Circuit Court nominee Ryan Bounds will NOT be given a lifetime judicial perch to institutionalize white supremacy from. South Carolina Republican Tim Scott joined a wall of blue resistance that stretched from Sanders to Manchin, and that was that.
And THAT, dear reader, is why it's so it's so important to help even those centrist Democrats, the ones who don't thrill you, in the upcoming midterm elections. Manchin. Donnelly. Heitkamp. Like, I'm thrilled Beto O'Rourke is raising so much money, but your donations would perhaps do more good supporting our most vulnerable red-state incumbents.
DNI Dan Coats gave a distressing little interview where he revealed Strawberry Shartcake is always sneaking around behind his back to say god knows what to th'Russians without America's intelligence community knowing about it, which is exactly the sort of thing normal, non-seditious Presidents do all the time.
...aaaaaaand now I see that, in defiance of all common sense and love of country, the Sunny D-Bag has decided to INVITE PUTIN TO WASHINGTON. No doubt they will have montage-worthy adventures like Vlad getting his very first hotdog and maybe splashing around barefoot in a fountain or blowing up the Lincoln Memorial.
Is there more? There's probably more. Sadly, my never-dying chest cold has returned, the cough medicine has kicked in, and I'm suddenly in the middle of the Tim Burton Dumbo re-make, so I'm goin’ up a little early tonight. We'll chat soon...
*Not actually neat.
Look, the Prime Day Treason Special Was Too Good to Pass Up, Okay? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hello Comrades! Tonite, fantabulous new direction for blog! We join new world order, tell poop jokes about Crooked Hillary's e-mail server and Elizabeth Pocahontas! What? Nyet, am not Russian bot, am Bath Cap!
Kidding of course. But today has been batshittier than usual, and I am correspondingly much drunker than usual. What I'm saying is, any typos in tonight's piece, blame Putin, not me. (And if you want this post will all them news links, click here: http://showercapblog.com/look-the-prime-day-treason-special-was-too-good-to-pass-up-okay/)
Friday was kind of a slow news day, honestly. The Cubs won. The Rock's new film disappointed at the box office. Oh, right, and Bodacious Bob Mueller passed out indictments like candy. Candy at the house that gives FULL SIZED SNICKERS.
Twelve Russian intelligence officials have been charged with numerous counts of High-Grade Cyber-Fuckery, so yeah, we're in a-foreign-nation-committed-an-act-of-war territory. The man tasked with defending the nation from such acts promptly went golfing, because the truth is, he's really not that into “America,” and we need to fucking face that before Justin Trudeau wises up and invades our ass.
Orange Julius Caesar did eventually get mad. Not because the country he happens to be President of was attacked by a hostile foreign power, but because the timing of the indictments would make him look extra-treasonous for flying to Finland to give our enemy a lap dance just the way he likes it, with periodic nipple twisting but not too hard because his skin is sensitive.
Ah well.
Back in America, the HHS Inspector General says Tom Price (remember him, from season one?) owes the American taxpayer at least $341,000 for all the bullshit luxury travel expenses he racked up before slinking away in disgrace. Me, I'd like to see him work it off makin’ license plates.
...betcha Scott Pruitt's not looking forward to HIS bill coming due...
Oh, while we're on HHS, a couple of the frothiest Cult45 maniacs there finally got shitcanned. I guess we're basically living in a police state now, where you can't even get a cushy taxpayer-funded government gig if you've used social media to accuse your political opponents of conducting mystical satanic rituals. Oh by the way, there are government officials who think Democrats conduct mythical satanic rituals now. Sleep tight!
Meanwhile, the Marmalade Shartcannon, fresh off his NATO tantrum, popped over to England to see if he could re-start the War of 1812. He kidney-punched the Queen, dry-humped Big Ben, and even tried stirring up some fresh shit between the Gallagher brothers, but in the end, no shots were fired.
He gave a little interview to Rupert Murdoch's dirty little rag, crapping all over Theresa May, and then, because he is a true coward's coward, denied everything when he was forced, by journalists, to confirm his words to her face. “Fake news!” he labeled...himself. And maybe for the first time when throwing around that particular catch-phrase, he was right.
Oh, and while he was abroad, he continued inciting violence against journalists, and also unapologetically spouted white supremacist rhetoric, presumably because he's a walking ass tumor.
Wilbur Ross was finally shamed by ethics watchdogs into selling his remaining stocks, at considerable profit of course. Ross then announced the Commerce Department's “Help Wilbur Take it With Him” program, a revolutionary initiative designed to facilitate the transfer of the Secretary's ill-gotten wealth to the realm of the afterlife.
Hey, I know we've got bigger fish to fry this week, and I'll get to the good shit in a minute, but holy balls, Elon Musk is an ASSHOLE.
The Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus, apparently undeterred by their very public, almost Puritanical, self-flagellation during the Peter Strzok hearings, made a little noise about impeaching Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein, but while they're apparently dumb enough to rally around Abuse-Enabling Jacket-Hater Jim Jordan, they're still a little too smart to attempt shutting down an investigation that just unveiled hard evidence of a foreign attack on the nation. So, somewhere between “Mollusk” and “Toe Fungus” on the intellect scale.
In perhaps the Trumpiest move ever, the Shart Administration seems to be considering tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve in order to artificially and temporarily push gas prices down in an attempt to stave off the wrath of the mid-term electorate. That the SPR is not there to “strategically” sway the political fortunes of a know-nothing goon who's tap-dancing on the economy's crotch via his Big Dumb Trade War should go without saying, but since Strawberry Shartcake doesn't actually give a flying rat's ass about America or any of her residents, I suppose we should have expected this.
While Weehands McNodick cannot be bothered to learn basic information like "how health insurance works,” “how NATO works,” or “how to tie a goddamn necktie,” he has chosen to spend his time and influence requesting a new, much American-er paint job for Air Force One. My sources tell me he's enlisted Ben Garrison to craft the new design, which would feature a Trumplike bald eagle perched on a golden toilet while hookers piss on it and also a drawing of Salma Hayek dating him.
Rand Paul went on CNN to shrug off Russian election interference on Sunday, and I was kinda mad about that at the time, but then SHARTUS was all “Hold my borscht,” and Paul's diet treason seems almost quaint now. Anyway, Rand-o is headed to Russia soon, probably to check out that kompromat up close.
Speaking of CNN, Celebrity Liar/Aspiring Concentrate Camp Commander Sarah Huckleberry Slanders announced that Team Treasonweasel had chosen to punish the network for the high crime of Asking the President a Question, by canceling a scheduled interview with the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip. Huh. In certain, less advanced, cultures, spending time with John Bolton is punishment for stealing.
...barbaric, I know.
Perhaps slipping under the radar while the world burns, Jared Kushner faces a new lawsuit from former tenants, who claim his real estate company used various dirtbag tactics to harass them out of their rent-controlled apartments, up to and including EXPOSING CHILDREN TO CARCINOGENS, because like his daddy-in-law, Jared's dead-eyed, slack-jawed, dumbfuck face masks a genuinely bankrupt, evil, soul.
Sacha Baron Cohen has a new show, and apparently it's some sort of horror anthology revealing just how fucking insane the people running our government are. The big clip circulating at the moment shows a number of prominent conservatives, including sitting CongressJags, endorsing a fictitious (FOR NOW) program that would put firearms in the hands of children as young as FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD.
Who ever thought we'd need to ask our elected representatives shit like “should we arm toddlers?” I think future political debates need a much lower bar. Less “what will you do about the deficit” and more “rat poison: pancake topping, or nah?”
On the eve of the Puppet/Puppeteer Summit in Helsinki, the Velveeta Vulgarian was asked "Say, who do you think is America's biggest foe? Joker to its Batman, Sabretooth to its Wolverine, Donald Trump to its Perfectly Good Steak? And Shartboy’s FIRST instinct was to say the FUCKING EUROPEAN UNION. 12 indictments of Russian fuckheads on Putin's payroll, and the tubby motherfucker says “You know who sucks is our allies.” AMERICA FIRST...ish.
Anyhoo. I rolled out of bed, naked, hungover, and ready for unprecedented awfulness, and saw Government Cheese Goebbels had responded to Mueller's latest round of indictments by VICTIM BLAMING THE UNITED STATES for Russia's attack. “If you didn't want to have your election hacked, you shouldn't've been wearing that skimpy outfit made from easily-misled white supremacist idiots, America!”
And like...that's a bad tweet. A REALLY BAD TWEET. We have plenty of differences as Americans, but I think one place of shared interest is when another country commits an act of war against the United States, most of us with side with “America” against “The Jerks Who Attacked America.” Certainly one would expect the FUCKING PRESIDENT to do so.
...well, the day was full of disappointing surprises. Like a bachelor party where a tax attorney jumps out of the cake.
So Elmer Gantry's Inbred Grandson had a private, nobody-but-translators meeting, which ran longer than expected, maybe because Wee Don wrote the nuclear codes on his arm and they got smudged because he sweats like the disgusting pig that he is, while the world waited for their joint press conference.
And then came the press conference.
I mean, nobody was really expecting Fat Q*Bert to forcefully stand up to Putin, but I don't think we were quite ready for What-if-Benedict-Arnold-and-Axis-Sally-had-a-really-stupid-baby-level open, unapologetic treason.
Like, we were expecting a LITTLE treason. There was just...so MUCH of it. He blamed slutty America again for getting attacked. He ranted about Hillary Clinton and the electoral college. Asked point blank if he believed the consensus of the entire American intelligence community that it was indeed Russia that attacked the United States, he deflected by babbling about debunked conspiracy theories for a while before concluding “I don't see any reason why it would be,” as though his utterly submissive presence beside that third rate KGB thug didn't clear up that particular mystery.
In the midst of sharing analysis and making poop jokes, let me also just take a moment to scream FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of my lungs until my throat bleeds. I'm starting to understand why Vaclav Havel turned to absurdism.
While I'm used to despising the things Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Please let me have the master copy of the pee tape, Vlad”) does, I confess it's kinda wacky watching the President betray his country on live television.
Point is, Donald Trump is the Prince of Cucks. A Cuck for all Seasons. God's Own Cuck. The private meeting probably ran over because the tattoo artist had trouble writing “Property of the Kremlin” on his tiny, misshapen scrotum.
Muthafuckin’ Putin gave him a muthafuckin’ SOCCER BALL for cuck's sake. If they ever do another one of these summits, he's gonna make Littlefinger wear a ball gag, just to show the world that he can.
Well, congratulations Neanderthal Neville Chamberlain...while you thoroughly embarrassed the United States with your historic display of weakness, you may have finally achieved...PISS IN OUR TIME.
And while America reeled from the open betrayal of their chief executive, news broke of Maria Butina's arrest. Who is Maria Butina? I'm glad you asked:
Have you met my good friend Maria?
The craziest spy on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her
She's the one who is in JAIL FOR BEING AN UNREGISTERED RUSSIAN AGENT.
Yes indeedy, one of the key figures at the center of the Drumpf/Russia/NRA story has been arrested, and the indictment hilariously implicates some anonymous “gun rights organization,” which I guess could be the Greater Sheboygan Water Pistol Club, but just to be safe I've invested heavily in the diaper distributer located closest to Wayne LaPierre's house.
This is probably the worst news for the NRA that I've seen in my lifetime, so forgive me if I take off all my clothes and roll around in it for a bit.
Um. There may have been more. Did we maybe start bombing France or some shit? Did the Tangelo Taint Tumor fire Mattis and replace him with Hannity? Is Fury Road a documentary now? I don't care, I've been drinking since lunch. Get your news from somebody who isn't a drunk lunatic wearing a Captain America bathrobe for a change. *hic*
As Batguano Insane as the Strzok Hearing Got, I Did Not Expect the Day's News to Land on Woodchucks
The madness has a distinctly international flavor this week, as though we've all been locked inside the It's a Small World ride with nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms to eat. Well, let's get this shit over with.
(Hey, if you wanna see this post with all relevant links, click on over to: http://showercapblog.com/as-batguano-insane-as-the-strzok-hearing-got-i-did-not-expect-the-days-news-to-eventually-land-on-woodchucks/)
Everybody has their own little vices, right? Maybe you smoke. Maybe you take down a pint of Ben & Jerry's every now and then. Maybe every few nights you slap on a luchador mask and a bathrobe and put away a six pack telling poop jokes about the worst people on the planet. If you're Tangerine Idi Amin, you abuse the power of the Presidential pardon. So yeah, a couple of arsonists get out of jail free because they're Wingnut Celebrity Arsonists.
Arpaio. D'Souza. Sovereign Citizen Human Torch Jagoffs. The standard is clear. All I'm saying is, James Woods, if you're reading, and you've ever had a murder you really really wanted to commit, you could probably get away with it for the next six months or so.
What's this? Anthony Kennedy may have negotiated his retirement and replacement with the authoritarian goons of Team Treason? You know I'm starting to think they left some shit out of my grade school social studies textbook, somewhere between the British are coming, the British are coming and that time white people invented civil rights in the 60's.
Speaking of Kavanaugh, it sure didn't take long to dig up confirmation that he really hates him some Roe v. Wade, but I guess we still have to endure weeks of shitty theatre where everyone in the GOP (particularly Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski) pretends they're not knowingly selling out women's rights. We may as well do some silly-ass Elizabethan circle dancing.
The Shart Administration announced further massive cuts to Obamacare outreach programs, because they'd rather American citizens got sick and died than avail themselves of the health care they're legally entitled to. I know I've said this before, but it's still kinda weird having a government that hates us and wants us to die.
(You'll remember these fucks pulled this move a year ago, but thanks to everyday folks like you and me using their platforms, however great or small, to spread the word, ACA enrollment didn't suffer nearly as much as the Paul Ryan Death Caucus was hoping for. We did it once before, we'll do it again.)
The Single Most Inevitable Event in Human History has occurred, as Sarah Palin revealed she fell for Sacha Baron Cohen's latest character, and her humiliation will soon be broadcast for the entire world to enjoy. Sarah obviously can't see the Streisand effect from her house. (I see Sacha got Roy Moore, too. Heh.).
I guess the BBC ran a little program accusing the Pusillanimous Pussygrabber of being something they call a “sex pest,” because he used to go to cocaine-fueled parties and hit on 17-year-old girls. Anyway, this seems like a good time to segue over to Shartboy's unwavering support among Evangelicals.
Yes, Conman Don’s “spiritual advisor” (which must be like being Paula Deen's dietician) says no way was Jesus a filthy illegal immigrant and if he were we'd have separated him from his dad even if his dad WAS God and crucified him in a baby jail. Golly, she seems nice.
We're about six months away from Evangelical “Pastors” arguing that Jesus used alms for the poor to buy paintings of himself and gave sermons praising sexual assault. I think it's John 4:24 where he goes, “When you're the Messiah, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
Hey, speaking of utterly dishonest moralizing shitheads who demand to be treated as paragons of virtue despite spending their lives fucking other people over for personal gain, let's check in on Ohio CongressJag Jim Jordan!
Jim's accusers keep multiplying, and his old boss keeps changing his story, and so does Jim, for that matter. Oh, and we keep learning more and more extremely disturbing details of the culture of abuse at Ohio State. Don't worry though, his fellow inmate in the House Freedom Caucus/Asylum/Discount Bath Salts Emporium, Matt Gaetz, with whom he shares a single brain cell, went on teevee and blamed everything on the Deeeeeeeep Staaaaaate, which is just how all Republicans will explain away their misconduct from now on.
It was the Deep State that pressured Scott Desjarlais’ mistress to get an abortion. The Deep State asked Trent Franks’ staffers to fuck him for money. The Deep State used sophisticated mind control techniques to take over Greg Gianforte's body and force him to physically assault a journalist. The Deep State is why Two and a Half Men ran so long.
I'm thinking of taking up international money laundering. It can't possibly be that difficult if Paul Manafort can do it because holy fuck that guy is DUMB. Somehow it did not occur to Precocious Paulie that his phone calls FROM JAIL would be recorded, and thus he has been caught bragging about his “VIP” treatment, as well as his clever little plot to circumvent the e-mail ban one encounters when one is LOCKED UP IN FUCKING JAIL for violating the terms of one's bail.
Anyway, he's in a shiny new jail now, with a shiny new mug shot, more #Manafucked than ever before. Trial starts soon.
Brian Benczkowski was confirmed to head the criminal division over at DoJ despite never having a tried a case in his life. Blisteringly unqualified, or just another Shart Admin official with shady ties to Mother Russia? Why's it gotta be “or?”
Following his latest Holy Crap I'm a Racist Dirtbag scandal, Papa John Schnatter announced his surprise retirement, saying he looks forward to spending more time with his white resentment.
Hey, y'know how when you get your tax refund, you maybe splurge a little bit, if you can afford it? Go out to dinner, buy yourself a new superhero bathrobe, or even just pay off that one nasty outstanding debt? Well, Vern Buchanan, Republican Representative for the Florida 16th, wants to show you peasants how it's done! See, the very day he voted himself a massive tax cut, Vern splurged on a multimillion dollar yacht, because goshdarnit, he's worth it and also populism because the Trump Regime is all about populism which is why we all have yachts now, oh wait I think it's just Vern.
And of course the flock of malicious assholes governing our poor county continue to struggle to reunify the families they tore apart when they perpetrated an ACT OF TERROR designed to frighten away future asylum seekers. They've hit on the novel defense of proclaiming those children they haven't been able to help to be “ineligible” for reunification. “Sorry kid, we deported your parents already. Enjoy the foster care system!”
For a little bonus cruelty, there are reports of the government charging parents for DNA tests if they ever want to see their kidnapped children again. I understand they're furiously knocking down walls in Hell in an effort to find more space for the bumper crop of dirtbags they’ll be harvesting over the next few decades.
Hmmm...maybe while us bleeding heart libtards focus on the inhuman monstrosity of tearing families apart, we really should be thinking of the American economy! After all, with the Big Dumb Trade War crotch-punting so many different industries, do we really want to undermine America's newest billion-dollar business: LOCKING UP CHILDREN?
(On the subject of the Economics of Evil, you may be wondering where these villainous bastards are finding the money to perpetrate their hate-fueled human rights violations. Well I'm glad you asked. They're diverting funds from HIV/AIDS programs, of course! That's a two-birds-one-stone proposition for Shitty White Evangelical Supremacy!)
The Man With Phalangeal Stunting spent the whole flight over to the NATO summit binge-eating Taco Bell just so he could rip wet sloppy farts near Angela Merkel, and things went swiftly downhill from there. He saved up what he was SO SURE was the sickest imaginable burn on Germany for probably weeks, but nobody high-fived him or even chuckled, and in fact General Kelly looked like he wanted to crawl inside his own asshole and die, though we were later assured this was only because our ratfink "allies" failed to provide him with adequate supplies of Cookie Crisp.
Anyhoo, the Velveeta Vulgarian generally made an ass of himself, because he's mistaken “sneers of revulsion” for “respect.” He made some ridiculous demands about military spending, I wasn't paying close attention but I think he wants to saw Belgium off the continent and turn it into this super-rad battleship island that the Queen of England has to pay for by hocking the Crown Jewels and also there's a Drumpf Brand golf course on it.
And then of course on his way out the door, the Candycorn Skidmark proclaimed that all those cuck Europeans had totally capitulated before the might of his totally-normal-sized shaking fists, but Emmanuel Macron said “Actually, nope,” and if things escalate any further, I bet our allies could fool him by paying their “NATO dues” in Monopoly money.
(My sources tell me Uncle Vlad was quite pleased with his Pet President's performance, and will be rewarding him with a lollipop in Helsinki.)
The Marmalade Shartcannon made history as the first American president to have his face appear on Russian asbestos packaging, unless that one Taft biography I read was less comprehensive than advertised.
Stormy Daniels was arrested at an Ohio strip club Wednesday night, though charges were swiftly dropped. Anyway, I learned some fun stuff about the tremendously-specific laws governing strip club touching in the Buckeye State, and you can, too, with one simple click.
That hearing with Peter Strzok today was...really something. It's amazing watching the entire House GOP devolve into a tangled wad of treasonous howler monkeys, blindly flinging their own shit in every direction in the vain hope that enough shit will land on the law enforcement community to allow one cheap grifter escape punishment for his crimes, and therefore be allowed to golf at the expense of the America taxpayer and destroy the post-war western world order without further hindrance.
...me, I'm just trying to figure out how they all fit in that one tiny car.
Special shout out to Louie Gohmert, the Dumbest Man in This or Any Imaginable Congress, for having the audacity to moralize about Strzok's affair after literally campaigning for a child molester.
Other highlights from the Dunning-Kruger Caucus: Jim Jordan got mad when Pete wouldn't verify the paranoid shit he read on the InfoWars bathroom wall. We certainly don't want forget Paul Gosar, who reads the secret language of the body as only a dentist can. Maybe Matt Gaetz can figure out some way to blame the deep state for how thoroughly he made an ass of himself.
Also, somebody should check on Trey Gowdy, I'm not 100% sure he still exists after the thorough ass-reaming Strzok administered. Is there a doctor in the House?
You almost want to subject these dipshits to some sort of Flowers for Algernon procedure, so they could see, if only for a moment, just how fucking stupid they appear to anyone with a functioning brain.
Even the House Republicans who weren't shipwrecking themselves on the shores of the asinine Strzok conspiracy theories showed their true, anti-decency, anti-American colors. One House committee voted to allow discrimination against LGBT citizens in adoptions. Another voted to block research into gun violence. Enjoy your day, campers. November is closer than ever.
Meanwhile North Korea totally stood America up for their latest date, without even calling, which especially sucks because Wee Don had already ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer to split with Kim Jong-un, (these really amazing spring rolls prepared by dissidents in forced labor camps, it's the tears of desperation that lend them their unique flavor), and now he was stuck with the check.
By “the check,” of course I mean "the Idiot Manchild in Chief taking credit for bringing home the remains of America's Korean War dead without actually......y'know...bringing home the remains of America's Korean War dead.”
At a certain point, you'd think this Assclown Brigade would learn to stop demanding praise for things they haven't actually accomplished yet, but...today is not that day.
At any rate, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is parading around a painfully generic form letter Kim sent him, as proof of his massive negotiating prowess. The lesson is clear; dish up the personal praise with the biggest ladle you can find, and you can get away with fucking anything. Including expanding your nuclear program instead of dismantling it.
Like any shitty houseguest, Sharty McFly decided to leave a fat stinky turd floating in Theresa May's bowl in the form of an exclusive interview in his ol’ chum Rupert Murdoch's dopey little “news”paper. Winning friends. Influencing people.
Oh, and I guess a family of woodchucks ate Paul Ryan's car, so WELCOME TO THE RESISTANCE, ANIMAL KINGDOM AND/OR DISNEY PRINCESSES.
Yeah, the woodchuck story is real. Or if it isn't, I've been writing too long and I'm more fucked up than I thought. Either way, that's all I got for now...see ya soon, Shower Captives.
Weirdest Thing About Today's News is Stephen Miller Ever Imagining His Food HASN'T Been Spit In
Honestly, I would like to be released from this so-called Fun House now. It's been a year and a half. The cotton candy is stale, the mirrors make me look bloated and orange, and the clowns insist on setting foreign policy.
(As per usual, this post, and many others, can be found, with helpful links, at my site: http://showercapblog.com/weirdest-thing-about-todays-news-is-stephen-miller-ever-imagining-his-food-hasnt-been-spit-in/)
I wonder if Mike Pompeo has noticed the Cuck Me sign King Jong-un taped to his back yet? Yes, North Korea has done what everyone whose brain isn't being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight MAGA cap knew they'd do, and said "thanks for all the unilateral concessions you blistering rubes, no we're not giving you anything you want, it's not our fault you took a dozen victory laps before you bothered to get anything in writing.”
Rudy Giuliani crawled out of whatever sewer drain he's been hiding in the last couple of weeks to set new terms for his Swollen Ostomy Bag client to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation. Rudy demands a week's supply of over-cooked steaks, plus thirty pounds of cherry Starbursts hand-selected by Kevin McCarthy, and will only agree to converse around the very table Ben Carson tried to order with taxpayer money but was forced to return.
Oh, and he wants Rugged Robert to present his evidence of criminal wrongdoing up front, as a condition of the interview. That's a trial, Rudy. What you're describing is a trial, and, y'know...careful whatcha wish for.
I guess we're still talking about Alan Dershowitz, which surely must mean he's been bitten by a radioactive Judicial Watch post and has scaled the Empire State Building to spout quasi-legal gibberish about how the President is above the law even while enduring social shunning from the biplanes he expected to attack him.
Did you catch WaPo's fascinating-if-depressing deep dive into how Tangerine Idi Amin conducts diplomacy, which is to to say, with all the misplaced confidence of a subpar white dude who repeatedly fell back on daddy's money to bail him out of trouble? Unwilling to prepare, blindly trusting the same pudding-headed instincts that got him played by a ten-cent thug like Kim Jong-un, bullying our closest allies even while melting to softest putty in Vladimir Putin's eager paws...let's look on the bright side and just celebrate that he hasn't gotten us all killed yet.
Senator Ron Johnson seems to have returned from his Independence Day vacation in Moscow on the Russian payroll. Congratulations, Vlad...you have compromised the Dumbest Senator in All the Land. I'm sure as long as you help him with childproof lids and keep him in Velcro shoes, he's yours for life.
I confess I lose track of all the open white supremacist/nazi candidates running for office as Republicans this year. I'm pretty sure I covered the god-is-a-white-supremacist dude, but the Holocaust denier is new, right? Anyway, the institutional GOP is (pretending to be) mystified and appalled at this totally unforeseen development, and by the way Santa Claus is white and the last President was born in Kenya and welfare queens and Willie Horton and “David Duke without the baggage” and HOLY SHIT WHO LET ALL THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN HERE? (blinks innocently)
(And yes, during the drafting of this piece, yet ANOTHER story of a GOP candidate for Congress openly espousing white supremacist ideals broke. They can have a little Klan Kaucus!)
Maybe I'm focusing too much on the racism in the Republican Party. Let's switch gears and talk about the sexism in the Republican Party. Meet “Reverend” Mark Harris, GOP candidate in the North Carolina 9th, who worries that it may not be “healthy” for the womenfolk to seek careers and independence and what have you, when they really ought be making babies and their husbands’ dinner.
(And then let's donate to Mark's Democratic opponent, Dan McCready.)
Or perhaps we should wrap all the racism and sexism up into one shitty, hate-belching package, a package that would look suspiciously like San Bernardino Deputy DA Michael Selyem, whose social media feed is full of such bilious bigotry as you rarely encounter outside the dinner parties of high-ranking White House officials.
Team Shart decided to suspend billions in ACA payments to insurers, presumably because they want a bunch of headlines about astronomical premium increases heading in the midterms, because they are POLITICAL GENIUSES.
I guess some jagoffs are making a little Roe v Wade propaganda flick, casting every right wing nutcase from Stacey Dash to Tammy Lasorda or whatever her name is to Pedophilia Apologist Milo Yagotnobookdealnomo. It's going so well they're hiding the true nature of the project, and even the script, from the folks working on it, who seem to be dropping out with some regularity. I'm sure they'll have all the success they deserve.
Gosh golly gee, it seems President Shartcannon's highest-profile toadies keep having unpleasant confrontations in public with a subset of Americans you might call “decent human beings,” who don't enjoy having their country looted by a petty grifter who steals from charity, brags about sexual assault, and rips children from their parents and throws them into fucking cages like a jackbooted goddamn fascist.
Poor enablers! Look, Kellyanne...you will never be welcome in the company of decent Americans ever again. Ever. That's the price for what you're doing. And Stephen Miller, OF COURSE the fucking restaurant spit in your food. If you're lucky they only spit in it. YOU WILL NEVER EAT A CLEAN MEAL FROM A RESTAURANT AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DOES HORRIBLE THINGS. Assume all your take-out took a pit stop inside a human ass en route to the styrofoam container.
You guys, the Deep Dish State is totally out to get Jim Jordan, via a nefarious plot to drop him in the middle of a culture of pervasive sexual abuse 20 years ago and making him the sort of cowardly shitsack who wouldn't do jack shit to stop it. I guess we're also supposed to believe that he had a legitimate shot at being Speaker of House, and this whole thing is about taking him down? I guess while we're spinnin’ shit, Jim Jordan owns a griffin, and also beat The Rock at arm wrestling. Sure. Why not?
So I guess the official policy of the United States is anti-breast-feeding now, didja see that? Every time you think these assclowns have run out of new ways to embarrass the nation on the world stage while undermining our values, they pull another Donnie Darko bunny out of the hat.
Yes, the Turdweasel delegation to the World Health Organization tried to bully the whole freakin’ world out of a resolution promoting breast feeding, threatening severe retaliation against any nation that introduced it until GUESS WHO rode to the rescue? That's right...RUSSIA. Uncle Vlad gets to play Global Good Guy, while the bully in the black hat (that's US, for the record) slinks away, thwarted.
Anyway, be on the lookout for Trump Brand Baby Formula, which will just be unpurchased Trump steaks mashed up in unpurchased Trump vodka.
The trade war is going about as well as you'd expect. The Manchurian Manchild marched onto the field, wearing naught save an overflowing diaper, and lobbed a few ill-conceived tariffs at the rest of the world, based on some nebulous “ideas” about steel being...I dunno, the Single Best Thing in the Whole Fucking World or something.
The rest of world fought back by actually, y'know, thinking shit through, targeting their retaliatory tariffs on industries and regions designed to inflict maximum damage on Shart Garfunkel’s political prospects. The Chinese in particular have zeroed in on his shitty base down to the county level. So basically the United States showed up to a gunfight with a bag of styrofoam peanuts.
Looking across th'pond for a minute, things are getting downright BARMY over there, amirite?
Resignations aplenty in the British government, I guess because Brexit isn't Brexity enough for some folks? I won't pretend to understand what's going on, but still, you read about the resignation of a bloviating idiot with ridiculous hair, and it gets your hopes up, y'know?
By now I'm sure you've heard about the giant orange baby balloon set to greet Fat Q*Bert upon his arrival in London. It's amusing enough on its own, but if I can just put together the right team, I've got an excellent Prince-and-the-Pauper-style plan to switch ‘em, leaving the real Bloat tethered to the Thames, while simultaneously upgrading the Oval Office IQ by several points.
And I see we have fresh Russian nerve agent casualties, so this seems like a really ideal time to turn a tantruming toddler loose at the NATO summit, doesn't it?
Lordy. I may need to employ a full time British correspondent soon. Some soccer hooligan in Union Jack body paint, and we'll get into fistfights about the appropriate serving temperature for beer.
The Grand Wizard Grifter has a shiny new lawsuit to add to his collection, as he's now being sued by his longtime personal driver for withholding overtime pay. I ask you, does this sound like the man who charged the Secret Service to pee even as they protected his very life, just to wring a few extra bucks out of the U.S. Treasury?
Oh. Right.
I guess the 200 grand Marm-a-Lago membership comes with an Air Force One tour now? I'd say that's asking for trouble...if anybody shows up for the club looking suspiciously like a young Gary Oldman, and pays the fee in rubles...well, I'm sure it's not my business.
The Turdworm Administration will miss a court-ordered deadline tomorrow to reunite more than one hundred migrant children under the age of 5 with their families. So anyway, these clods who can't locate the people they took into custody mere weeks ago want to renegotiate NAFTA and restructure the entire American health care system and denuclearize North Korea and build a Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants and also maybe invade Venezuela. Remember when they got mad over the media failing to praise them for pulling off the Easter Egg Roll?
Scandal hit the GOP runoff in the Georgia governor's race, with the release of a secret recording of one candidate lamenting the batshit craziness of the primary. While the lunatic Republican base demands ever loonier lunatics to represent them in government, for some reason they get pissy whenever their lunacy is labeled “lunacy,” kind of like how they love spewing racist shit but hate being called racist. Whatever. I'm not interested in understanding these folks anymore, just out-voting ‘em.
Oh, and Government Cheese Goebbels nominated a real asshole to the Supreme Court tonight. I don't know which of the asshole finalists he ended up picking as I type this, but I'm confident it was a gigantic, festering, smelly, asshole.
Hey look, I was right.
Okay, that's the update, Shower Captives. And yeah, I'm a little late getting that promised Goddamn Midterm Action Page up, but I wanna make sure it's shiny and chrome, y'know? It'll be worth the wait, I promise.
PS - SCOTUS pick notwithstanding, Sharty Jannetty got smacked down in court again today.
If Whatever Angel of Justice Finally Came for Pruitt Could Look Jim Jordan Up Next, That'd be Great
Another day in the goddamn madhouse. This is the week I read about a bunch of lions devouring some poachers and felt a pang of envy. Lions don't have to wait till the midterms to solve their problems, y'know?
I am totally not advocating eating Donald Trump, by the way. You'd get sick.
(You know the drill by now. This post is available, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/if-whatever-angel-of-justice-finally-came-for-scott-pruitt-could-look-jim-jordan-up-next-thatd-be-great/)
Today's blog is...really hard for me. I've never been any good at goodbyes. What am I even going to write about without the ridiculous ever-escalating litany of Scott Pruitt's scandals? If he'd only held on for another six months, I'm sure he'd have had his taxpayer-funded security detail doubling in the evenings as a Comcast customer service call center, working under his wife, of course.
But all that's done now. If this blog gets shorter in the coming days, it's only because I don't have my lotion-seekin’, fancy-pen-buyin', soundproof-booth-wankin’ buddy to pad the news with anymore.
(I would be remiss in the duties if I moved on from Pruitt without mentioning his truly humiliating resignation letter. I have referred to Scotty as the God of Grifting, but it looks like he's evolving into the God of Groveling.
Joking aside, of all the treasonweasels in Orange Julius Caesar’s inner circle, Scott Pruitt was absolutely the Most Ready for Raw Authoritarianism, all too happy to sacrifice whatever personal dignity was necessary to bow lower than anyone else to placate Dear Leader's fragile ego, so long as he got to live large off the taxpayer dollar. Scott Pruitt is precisely the kind of man who would administer a concentration camp, and don't you ever forget it.).
Hey, I see the Senate GOP D-team spent the Fourth of July on a little ass-kissing tour of that one country that literally attacked us in 2016, just like that time Alben W. Barkley took a spa day with Tojo after Pearl Harbor. I'll say this though, when the Republican Party sends their reps to Moscow, they're not sending their best. John Kennedy? Ron Johnson? Jerry Moran? I wouldn't trust those dipshits to cut the ribbon at a fucking mall opening.
Speaking of Russia, Strawberry Shartcake wants to meet with Putin with only Vlad's personal translator present at their upcoming Fuck America So Very Very Very Hard party in Helsinki, without any other Americans around, and who can blame him? It's totally embarrassing when you have to ask Dad for advance on your allowance, isn't it? I ask you, would YOU want to do that in front of the Secretary of State?
The Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed the IC's assessment that yuh-huh, Uncle Vlad not only interfered in our election, but he did so specifically to boost the candidate with the most disproportionately-small-and-ineffective fingers. On the other hand, Donnie Two-Scoops says “Nuh UH,” so expect the New York Times to cover the issue with vigorous both-sidesism.
Hey, y'know who sucks? Jim Jordan sucks, that's who. I first encountered Jordan during HRC's marathon Benghazi testimony, back when the world almost made sense. Jimbo was one of the pathetic dwarves feebly flinging pebbles at her; since then I've seen no evidence to suggest anything other than his utter, irredeemable, shittiness.
But even I'm surprised to learn the full depths of that shittiness. Jordan stands accused of turning a blind eye to serial sexual abuse during his days as an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State. Seeking to really corner the market on inexcusable fuckery, Jordan's initial response to these accusations was not mere denial, but actually CALLING THE FUCKING COPS on his accusers, for “bulllying” him.
But more wrestlers have come forward to confirm the accusations. And more and more extremely disturbing details about the program's culture are surfacing. Jordan went out on State TV to slander his accusers a bit, but accidentally confessed to knowing about the abuse, waving it off as, and I couldn't make this up if I tried, “locker room” talk.
So the official Shower Cap position on the issue is as follows:
Fuck Jim Jordan. With a rusty shovel. Forever. Fuck any political party that wouldn't immediately expel him for this vile shit. If Jim Jordan is still in Congress as you read this, it's a fucking crime, and I hope you, YOU reading right now, raise holy hell about it.
Mitch McConnell says, “Hey, sorry ‘bout all these school shootings and all, but if you didn't want your kids to die in a hail of bullets while they're learning fractions or reading A Separate Peace, maybe you shoulda given ‘em bulletproof skin!” Yes, Yertle's position on the gun violence epidemic in America comes down to “MEH, SHIT HAPPENS, WHADDYA GONNA DO?”
(I'll tell you what, Mitch. We're going to elect a new Congress this November, and we're going to get some goddamn gun control laws in this country. You can watch from the minority.)
Everybody welcome Bill Shine to the official Shart House communications staff! The Poo Mistake is getting his advisors pre-disgraced now, which I think shows a commendable efficiency. Bill has failed upwards to the highest halls of power after decades of enabling a culture of sexual abuse over at Fux Nooz. Also, his wife is a shitty mega-bigot who deleted her shitty mega-bigot social media accounts so no one would know what a shitty mega-bigot she is, but there are screencaps.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to digest the mega-bigotry from the link in the preceding paragraph. She's really something, ain't she?)
So yeah, more white supremacists on the team! Really looking forward to replacing the White House Easter Egg Roll with a cross burning next year.
But Weehands McNodick isn't the only Washington power player who's hiring! Rugged Robert Mueller is adding new prosecutors to his team, surely the latest sign that the whole Russia investigation is a witch hunt that hasn't found evidence of any wrongdoing whatsoever! I'm pretty sure Bodacious Bob and his team are just ordering pizzas and watching WKRP marathons all day.
Another place the Velveeta Vulgarian is hiring is down at Marm-a-Lago! But no Americans need apply, these are low-paying gigs specifically designated for foreign workers! It's amazing that the President of the United States can start a dumbass trade war, attacking American workers in industries from soybean farming to nail manufacturing, and then turn right around and refuse to hire Americans at the business he personally owns. But it's MORE amazing that his pudding-brained rube army still buys into his fraudulent “America first” con.
The trade war is going swimmingly, by the way. Mexico and China have imposed their retaliatory tariffs. Layoffs have begun. CEOs are kicking up dust. Even the good folks at Moog Music, producers of the famous synthesizer, may move production overseas. I WILL BE GOD DAMNED IF WE DISHONOR THE MEMORIES OF THOSE WHO DIED AT VALLEY FORGE BY FORSAKING OUR HERITAGE AS THE NATION OF PROG ROCK!
So I guess the Tangelo Taint Tumor spent most of 2017 fantasizing about INVADING FUCKING VENEZUELA, and I've never been more grateful that HR McMaster gave a year of his life to babysitting duty. It takes a real fucking dotard to look around at all the flaming piles of failure Trump'd been stacking up during his first year in office and go, “Y'know what this sharknado of incompetence could really use? A sloppy attempt at militarily forcing regime change in the middle of another continent!” He's like a kid whose sole medical experience is playing Operation, and badly, suddenly deciding he's qualified to separate conjoined twins.
In the background, all-time heat records have been set around the globe this week, but Jim Inhofe made a snowball this one time, so climate change is still totally a hoax.
The Shart Administration is struggling to obey court orders to reunite the migrant families they tore apart, apparently because they didn't plan beyond the, “hurt brown people, Jeff Sessions and Stephen Miller furiously masturbate to their pain” stage. Hundreds of children remain in detention, while your federal government makes arguments like “Look, we already deported some of these kids’ parents, surely we're off the hook for reuniting THOSE families!” And the families we've managed to reunite have stories that bring shame upon anyone who ever believed in this nation's goodness.
Meanwhile, the private prison companies profiting off the detention of migrant families have all kinds of zany ties to Fat Q*Bert and his team of racist grifters, but surely that's just coincidental, right?
But even as your government struggles to undo the damage of that STATE-SPONSORED TERRORISM POLICY THEY INSTITUTED IN THE NAME OF WHITE SUPREMACY before We the People forced them to stop, the right-wing whine-o-sphere has identified a new victim of government abuse, one surely more worthy of your sympathy than any frightened child stolen from their parents’ arms.
I'm speaking, of course, of Paul Manafort. Precocious Paul finds himself in solitary confinement, for his own safety, and MY GOD HE'S ONLY BEEN ACCUSED NOT CONVICTED and surely Lady Justice is weeping tears of blood for this American traitor!
Odd that this sense of outrage over the unfairness of pretrial detention failed to manifest over, say, a 16-year-old black male accused of stealing a damn backpack and spending three years behind bars without trial, but you lock up a wealthy white money launderer who couldn’t stop committing crimes, even as part of the terms of his Special Rich White Guy Bail Arrangement, EVEN AFTER A WARNING FOR BREAKING THOSE TERMS ONCE BEFORE, and suddenly you have children and old women wailing by the side of the road, for the poor, persecuted, #Manfucked One.
If you haven't worn out the strings on your tiny violin reading the last couple of paragraphs, spare a small dirge for Michael Cohen, who worries his ol’ chum Donnie won't abuse that sweet sweet Presidential pardon power on his behalf. (Cue MONTAGE of Drumpf and Cohen over the years, in happier times: paying off porn stars, burying stiffed contractors under mountains of paperwork, skipping arm in arm through Central Park, sharing a single ice cream cone.)
By the way, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo hired former Clinton attorney Lanny Davis, who seems positively giddy to take his new Trump-seeking missile, excuse me, I mean “client,” out for a test drive.
Looks like Sharty McFly and Mike Pompeo trolled Kim Jong-Un a bit by gifting him a CD containing Elton John's “Rocket Man.” Now, the North Korean dictator has already trolled the United States by expanding production at his nuclear sites even as we cancelled military exercises with South Korea, so I'm gonna go ahead an give Kim this round, and boy howdy that's fucking embarrassing.
The Marmalade Shartcannon held another one of his patented Trump Brand Klan Rallies, allegedly to campaign for Republican congressional candidates. Now, I'm not going to link to any of the hateful, dishonest shit he spewed, you can get that elsewhere. The point is, facing a midterm referendum on his leadership, this bloated tick on America's ass can't point to his record; his only significant accomplishment is a tax cut for the wealthy that growing majorities absolutely despise. All he can offer is enemies, targets for the Two Minutes Hate, from Hillary Clinton to John McCain to Maxine Waters.
And for his base, that hatred is enough, apparently. If the generic congressional balloting is to be believed, most Americans want more. I say don't take the foot off the gas until November 7th at the earliest.
Y'know, a lot of folks say our President lacks principles. I don't think that's fair. I think he's fanatically devoted to his principles. It's just that his principles amount to “I would like to claim any and all available money for myself,” and NAKED, UNAPOLOGETIC, WHITE SUPREMACY.
In fact, he's SO devoted to this single, burning, animating, hateful “principle” that he's discharging immigrant Army recruits and reservists, just to avoid giving citizenship to brown people that PUT THEIR VERY FUCKING LIVES ON THE LINE TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY. Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug would happily weaken our national security if it means making America juuuuuuuuuust a little whiter.
And Tucker Carlson is DOWN with the white supremacy, y’all. You know he's lobbying for Wear Your Hood to Work Day over at Fux. To Liar Tuck, opposing the monstrosity of stealing kids from their parents and throwing them into internment camps isn't clearing the lowest imaginable human decency hurdle, it's an attempted coup. A COUP. The only legitimate rule in America, you see, is by white folks. Allowing anyone else full and equal access to the nation's bounty is seditious.
This is the kind of thing a very powerful pundit with a depressingly-large audience is spouting on television, every night. This is, and we should be honest about this, what the Republican Party stands for in 2018: America For White People and Everyone Else Can Fuck Off.
It's all they have left, after more than 500 days of failure after failure. Me, I think it's pathetic. We're closer than ever to the (goddamn) midterms when we finally, FINALLY, have the chance to rebuke this bankrupt movement, and folks, I am positively HORNY over that chance. Keep working, keep organizing, keep donating. Let me ask you...what're YOU doing to feed the Blue Wave?
Fete the Fourth with Familar Falsehoods, a Flipping Fixer, and...the FART Act? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
This week, we celebrate Independence Day. And we should celebrate extra hard, because Paul Manafort can't. I don't think they allow Roman Candles in solitary.
(As usual, this post is available, with all kindsa helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/fete-the-fourth-with-familiar-falsehoods-a-flipping-fixer-and-the-fart-act/)
Kim Jong-un is certainly throwing a party, in honor of his Independence From Having to do Anything Even Remotely Resembling Ending his Nuclear Program and by the way Thanks for Stopping Those Training Exercises, You Fucking Rube, You. I am told there will be cake. And executions.
Hugh Hewitt has earned his independence from hosting his MSNBC show, without firing a single shot! Surely that's worth a sparkler or two!
Republican donor Elliot Broidy has declared himself free from the obligation to pay hush money to his alleged former mistress, probably cuz the whole fucking world knows about it, so why not save a buck or two?
Susan Collins proclaimed her autonomy from accountability for Shart Garfunkel’s pending SCOTUS appointment's inevitable vote to kidney-punch Roe v Wade. “It's settled law!” she insists, as though the chance to transform women from citizens with rights back into property without control over their own bodies isn't pure, undistilled viagra to the Mike Pence wing of her party. Senator Collins’ plan seems to be an intense regimen of burying her head in any and all available sand right up until the minute the 5-4 ruling comes down, and then proclaiming herself to be really very shocked that respect for precedent failed to carry the day.
Meanwhile the GOP trumpets its freedom from Decency, with Presidential Pardon Recipient/Projectile Jagoff Dinesh D'Souza giddily retweeting fascist hashtags and even Ol’ Ron Paul popping up to remind everyone that he's still alive, and still super duper racist. Anyhow, the proposed D'Souza/Paul buddy cop sitcom slated for this fall has, obviously, been cancelled.
Maxine Waters holds this truth to be self-evident: she has precisely zero fucks left to give. Speaking at one of Saturday's rallies, Mad Maxine called out all the sad little MAGAt colonmites making death threats. You come at the Queen, you best not miss. She'll grab y’all by your tiny, distended ballsacks and drag you home to your mommies.
Speaking of those rallies, nicely done, Resisters! More than 700 marches, hundreds of thousands of protesters! We the People will not sit idly by while Drumpf and Sessions and that Runt Klansman, Stephen Miller open concentration camps for children in our name. Last weekend, we marched...just a few tantalizing-short weeks from now, we VOTE.
In comparison, from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration on, the Candycorn Skidmark hasn't been able to conjure any similar enthusiasm from his own people. The pro-Trump contingent over the weekend amounted to a handful of violent white supremacist “proud boys” in Portland, and a single crotchtumor waving a gun at protesters in Alabama.
But how can we adequately discuss this commemoration of self-sovereignty without pausing to praise the heroes of ICE, who have liberated entire towns from the dastardly clutches of MS-13! Towns like...well, for example...just off the top of my head...ummmm...HEY LOOK OVER THERE, ISN'T THAT YAHOO SERIOUS?
Yeah, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is pulling entire military operations out of his ass now. Can't wait till he starts makin’ shit up about the non-existent Space Force winning fictitious battles against made-up aliens that all look like Hillary Clinton, but green.
Anyway, ICE couldn't possibly be liberating any towns, they're way too busy deporting parents away from their children.
Hey look, Axios got ahold of a leaked draft of something called the FART Act, a bill that would essentially pull the U.S. out of the WTO and give La Grande Sharte broad new powers to escalate his job-destroying trade war. You have to admit, it's kind of cute that the dipshit who couldn't get Obamacare repeal through a Republican Congress even dreams he could get this genuinely daffy bill passed.
Red Rover, Red Rover, have Michael Cohen roll over! Yes, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo is squawking about how the Velveeta Vulgarian may no longer command his shitty goon loyalty, IS THERE NO HONOR AMONG FUCKWEASELS? Now, maybe he's signaling cooperation, and maybe he's just begging for a pardon, but I'll bet Boss Shart sweats through a couple extra pairs of golf pants this week.
A U.S District judge struck down Kentucky's plan to force work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so Tea Party Governor Matt Bevin lashed out like a toddler who'd been denied ice cream, cutting dental and vision benefits from half a million of his constituents, cuz what's the point of even being Governor if you can't dehumanize the less fortunate, amiright?
Congrats go out to Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, who will become the latest President of Mexico to refuse to pay for Government Cheese Goebbels’ Big Stupid Border Wall. Still, you just know Dumbass is going to ask, because dammit, he just doesn't feel like he's put in a full day's work if he hasn't embarrassed the shit out of the nation at least once.
Big summit coming up with Putin, and the question on everybody's lips is “Will President Crotchvoid recognize Crimea as part of Russia after they took it by military force in defiance of international law?” which is a totally normal thing to be wondering about the President of the United States who is totally not a Russian asset how dare you even suggest such a thing.
And Scott Pruitt got caught smuggling thousands of dollars worth of printer ink cartridges out of EPA headquarters up his ass. Well, not really, but would you be surprised?
Look, I don't want to shit all over what ought to be a relaxing holiday break, but some travesties demand our attention, even when it would be easier to look away. No, I'm not talking about the families ripped apart, or the children detained in cages...I'm talking about the social shunning Alan Dershowitz is experiencing up at Martha's Vineyard. Wow. Rick folks don't want to hang out with a withered old fuckwad working as a talking head teevee shield for a wannabe fascist. I ask you, IS THIS EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE?
I guess Donnie Dotard's been scrawling angry letters to our NATO allies, somewhere in between parroting Russian propaganda and praising the 3rd world dictator who's mocking him in front of the entire world. The letters are allegedly not even accompanied by Starburst candies, so the kid gloves are really off now.*
Anyway, I'm wrapping this one up early so we can all get on with our holiday festivities by which I mean the big fat Antifa Civil War we're launching, but seriously, who told Alex Jones IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE.
PS, I see Fat Q*Bert refused a request to order flags lowered to half-mast in honor of the Capital Gazette shooting victims, no doubt because he's itching to get back to demonizing the press as "enemies of the people" as soon as inhumanly possible. What an ass.
*In Drumpf's case “kid gloves” really just means “gloves,” of course.
Profile Information
Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
