TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalSay What You Will About Trump, You'd Have to be a MASSIVE Jagoff to Screw Up a 9/11 MemorialOH RIGHT
Oh, the news, the news. I'll say this: if you wagered President Gas Station Urinal Cake would navigate September 11th without making an ass of himself and humiliating the entire country, you fucking well deserved to lose your money.
As usual, you can find this post, with all kinds of helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/say-what-you-will-about-trump-youd-have-to-be-a-massive-jagoff-to-screw-up-a-9-11-memorial-oh-right/
AND we’re doing some fun stuff with the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide, so it’s a little easier to navigate: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/#SND
A lot of things are, frankly, just the same as the last time we talked. That Omarosa person keeps releasing tapes, milking every moment as she rounds third base and enters her last minute or so of fame.
Republicans are still desperately trying to sneak a fundamentally dishonest partisan hack on to the Supreme Court before Susan Collins gets so tired of playing dumb she snaps, screaming “I don't care about reproductive rights! I never cared! I care about corporate personhood and lowering the capital gains tax rate! I'M A MOTHERFUCKING REPUBLICAN, YOU SHITHEADS!”
And hundreds of children remain separated from their families because THE FUCKING UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT KIDNAPPED THEM, in what was, I'll remind you, an act of terrorism.
Goddammit. Anyway. On to the new stuff.
The Ben Sasse Show is SO BORING, you guys. Every episode is exactly the same! He says he considers fleeing the Republican Party “every morning,” or some shit, but then he remembers how much he likes making poor people suffer, and since it's against the law to hunt them like foxes, even on private estates, (he checked) he winds up doing JACK SHIT. Because that's what he ALWAYS DOES. Because he is BEN SASSE.
Benny Boy votes with Donald Trump almost 87% of the time, for the record, so don't just take his criticism of the Shart with a grain of salt, take it with a whole goddamn Morton factory.
I see Georgie Papaderpaderp, fresh off his felony sentencing, is off on the obligatory media tour. Less ridiculous than Spicey, more sober than Nunberg, at least he delivers the reliably self-serving horseshit we've come to expect from the various clowns in this Butthole Circus.
Lil’ Georgie insists Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third was particularly eager to collude during the campaign, cackling and dancing a spritely jig, while tauntingly demanding the other meeting attendees guess his real name lest he claim their firstborn child.
So, you've probably noticed that the Republican Party has gone a little nutty these last few years, right? I only mention this because the Virginia state chapter of the Elephant Squad is doing its damndest to stay on the bleeding edge of conservamentia. First you look at a borderline Klan wizard like Corey Stewart. Then you watch state Senator Richard Black blathering about the British government staging a false flag chemical attack in Syria...do they hold their party conventions around a bootleg bath salts still or something?
Honestly, I'm not surprised, or even bothered anymore, that some rock-headed Republijag can volunteer himself to go on TV and parrot Bashar al-Assad's propaganda word for word. I confess, I'm somewhat less than wild about the idea of these clods making our laws, however.
Well, bad news for decency and freedom of speech, my friends. A nationwide campaign of shoe-burning and sock-chopping by Pudding-Brained Morons Who Are So Racist They'll Destroy Their Own Property drove sportswear titan Nike out of business in four short days, a reaction to a controversial ad campaign featuring quarterback/activist Colin Kaepernick. The industry was rocked by the unexpected - JUST KIDDING Nike's sales surged, their stock is on the upswing, and a bunch of the shittiest idiots in America ruined their clothes for nothing.
(And this is even in the face of fearsome boycotts from the likes of the Ozark Technical School for Jet Ski Repair and Semi-Legal Dentistry.)
Republican Florida Governor candidate Ron DeSantis’ actions keep “monkeying up” his chances to hide his apparent mega-racism from voters, and once again I assure you that “monkey up” is a very common slang phrase. The Washington Post reports he's addressed what they're calling "racially charged events,” which is journo-speak for "Klan rallies with hors d'oeuvres and little plastic champagne glasses.”
Look here, motherfuckers, we spent EIGHT YEARS listening to y’all act like Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers were Obama's fucking groomsmen, so when one of your boys hangs out at this little hate party FOUR DIFFERENT YEARS alongside the likes of Seb Gorka, Bannon, that little Milo peckerwood, Katie Hopkins, Geert Wilders, (GEERT FUCKING WILDERS? It's a white supremacist all-star team!) then yes, we are going to judge you by the scuzzbucket company you keep.
Speaking of, golly Tucker Carlson sure is pissed at the LAMESTREAM MEDIA for pointing out that he's parroting white nationalist talking points. Lil’ advice for Liar Tuck: most of us avoid accusations of parroting white nationalist talking points by never, y'know...parroting white nationalist talking points. Unlike, say...you.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip slithered over to the karaoke machine, and sang It's My Party and I'll Torture Who I Want To. Yeah, he's pulling the U.S. out of the International Criminal Court, threatening 'em on the way, and I'm really not looking forward to what he has planned for Act II.
See, we spend so much time laughing at this administration's bungling (He put his underpants on over his trousers again, OH THAT ZANY DOTARD!), and then they keep slipping in this fuck-up-the-world-cuz-you-don't-understand-what-you're-doing shit. Like leaving the Iran Deal, or the Paris Climate Agreement, or the ICC. Like shutting down the PLO office in D.C. Like the wrecking ball they keep smashing over and over again into the nation's environmental regulations.
Like, imagine hating Obama so much that you reverse methane emission rules just to spite him. A BLACK MAN TOLD A JOKE ABOUT ME ONCE AND THE ENVIRONMENT OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET MUST PAY THE PRICE!!!!! He's a super-villain. A stupid, shitty, ass-faced, super-villain.
Today, of course, is the 17-year anniversary of the Velveeta Vulgarian taking the opportunity presented by a horrific national tragedy to brag about how his building was the biggest and specialest now, since terrorists destroyed his competition.
The Hairplug That Ate Decency marked the occasion with all the solemnity and class you'd expect of him, screeching about the latest dumbfuck right wing conspiracies, and trying to turn America against its own law enforcement community. Old man, could you turn down the treason for ONE FUCKING DAY so we can grieve?
The Manchurian Manchild cancelled his trip to Ireland, once he learned he would not, in fact, be able to meet with the leprechaun from the cereal box, let alone suggest a new T-shaped marshmallow. The whole “President” gig really isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Hey, we finally found something Donnie Dotard does better than Obama! The deficit is ballooning so rapidly even Dr. Ronny Jackson can't cover that shit up. THIRTY-TWO percent increase, over just one year. But don't worry America, we spent all that money on super-useful shit, like Potty Breaks for the Secret Service and...um...Just Giving it to Rich People. Good luck with the rotting infrastructure in your community, tho!
Hey, if you'd like a forehead-shaped dent in your desk, have I got the story for you! Apparently, in their quest to root out "fake news,” Facebook has given fact-check veto power to a number of media outlets, including...the Weekly Standard?!?!?!
In this case, SCOTUS expert Ian Millhiser wrote a little piece about how Brett Kavanaugh dry-humps hotel mattresses with visions of repealing Roe v Wade dancing in his head, and the Weekly Assmunching Standard did not like that, because they are a KNOWN HYPER-PARTISAN PUBLICATION, and all they had to do was wave the magic wand Zuckerberg so graciously placed in their grubby little mitts, and the post was deemed “fake,” and thusly labeled, alongside shit about lizard people watering down the soda machines in Arby's. And yes, this limits the article’s circulation and reach. Neat trick.
So yeah, I guess Facebook gives some conservatives the power to censor stories and ideas they'd rather folks just didn't see. Really shoulda given this one to Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, but he's passed out drunk.
With Hurricane Florence bearing down on the east coast, the Marmalade Shartcannon is busy complimenting himself on the heckuva job he did in Puerto Rico, which will likely come as a surprise to the 3,000 people who died there due his racist neglect.
No doubt President Crotchrot will tour the wreckage after the hurricane hits, demanding effusive praise and thanks from any survivors he comes across.
There's more madness, I know. Klan hoods on cartoon characters and an, ahem, previously undisclosed Lennon/McCartney collaboration, but I picked up a copy of the Woodward book, and I wanna knock out a few chapters before I black out.
PS - Ok, while I was writing, WaPo popped up to say Precocious Paul Manafort is looking to maybe stooge his way to a plea deal, and my condolences go out to whoever's on diaper duty in the West Wing tonight.
The News: A Bunch of Shitheads Did a Bunch of Shitty Things, but BARACK'S BACK, BABY! (Ferret/SC)
Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally start those Caro Lyndon Johnson books that've been gathering dust on my shelf since Borders went out of business? Fuck you, Donald Trump. (As always, this post, with all those super-cool news links, can be found at: http://showercapblog.com/the-news-a-bunch-of-shitheads-did-a-bunch-of-shitty-things-but-baracks-back-baby/)
Before we get cookin', let me push the Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms(http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/). We're in the heart of the fight now, and your Democratic candidates need YOUR help if we're gonna take Congress back. It's a fuckin’ fight, my friends. You can't stay on the sidelines. There's too much at stake.
So I guess the big news was that anonymous op-ed in the Failing New York Times, huh? A mysterious, high-ranking Team Treasonweasel official says he/she is part of a secret Shart House resistance movement, and that they are saving the country from Grampa Hategoober's zaniest, evilest, impulses! They ignore orders, they slip horse tranquilizers into his Cokes, they've set up an entire fake phone line at the Pentagon just to divert tantrum-induced airstrike commands. In other news, Drumpfy sincerely believes that the Air Force is run by one General Hugh Jass, and that Ottawa, Canada, is a smoldering crater.
Anyhow, Strawberry Shartcake is melting down, and it's basically the last scene of Reservoir Dogs in the Oval Office now. Littlefinger wants the Justice Department to drop everything and waterboard the staff that, um, he himself hand-picked.
I see Alex Jones and Marco Rubio bumped chests like a couple of middle school boys in the hallowed halls of the Senate, because, as I have often noted, we live in Hell. You could get buried alive under the avalanche of think pieces about the symbolic nature of this clash of two massive dipshits for the soul of the conservative movement. Ah yes. The screeching, mendacious, hate-monger versus the spineless, self-righteous, haircut. The real winner here is American Decline.
Oh, and a couple hours later, Jones and his shitty little conspiracy website got banned from Twitter until the end of time, cutting him off from his last available significant social media platform. Once the Sandy Hook families he's terrorized for years are done bleeding him dry of every single ill-gotten dollar in court, Jones will likely be reduced to screaming about lizard people while patrons throw tomatoes at him at Renaissance Fairs, one dollar for three tries.
Polls reveal that Dorito Mussolini's desperate campaign to discredit the Mueller investigation is failing like...well, like every other aspect of his Presidency, so he's resorting to new tactics, frantically insisting he has "100 pictures” of the Special Counsel and former FBI Director Jolly James Comey “hugging and kissing each other.”
"Sometimes my whole intelligence briefing is just a slide show of the two of ‘em making out in the back of the theatre during a screening of the beloved Jennifer Lopez vehicle, THE BOY NEXT DOOR,” rambled the President, wiping drool from the corner of his mouth with his too-long necktie. “I have a drawing of Bob Mueller with his whole hand up Comey's ass to the elbow. I doodle sometimes during meetings.”
A couple of Roger Stone's associates are dealing with subpoenas from The Bobadook, and Stone has probably given up hope by now that this is all simply the set-up for an elaborate birthday party. But maybe the FBI agents will still yell “surprise” when they arrest him.
(The Stone associates in question are Randy Credico and Jerome Corsi, for the record. I had typed this into my preparatory notes as “Corsi subpoena,” not knowing autocorrect would change this to “Corgi subpoena,” which was briefly confusing when I sat down to write.)
Laura Loomer is one of those nutjob right-wing internet celebrities; she's famous mostly for disrupting a play like a jackass, because...she's a jackass. Anyhow, she tried her shtick in Congress this week, the latest attempt to fill the deep dark hole that opened in her shriveled, misshapen, soul when she lost her blue checkmark. Loomer's never needed any help making a fool of herself, but when she DOES get an assist, like she got from Congressman Billy Long, the results are..exquisite.
Rapey Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen for...making Roy Moore look like a pervy old clown. Hmmm. If he's successful, Judge Pedo would likely spend the rest of his days suing himself over and over again on the same grounds.
Seems New Jersey Republican Senate candidate Bob Hugin jacked up the prices on a cancer drug his company owns...for Americans anyway, while simultaneously lowering them in Russia, and...are you fucking kidding me? Is this fucking real? Or are we in the Matrix, and Aaron Sorkin just quit and the replacement writers are trying to continue the storylines, but they totally lack subtlety?
Duncan Hunter has long opposed marriage equality on the grounds that “marriage is a vitally important and sacred institution.” Not so sacred that he wouldn't illegally spend campaign cash on multiple mistresses, though. Marriage, while super-duper sacred, also does not seem to be quite sacred enough to prevent Duncan from throwing his sacred wife under the most sacred bus available at the first sign of trouble. Sacredly, of course.
The Kavanaugh confirmation hearings are going really well, except for the part where the nominee is repeatedly revealed as a dishonest partisan hack who has no business judging a Who Grew the Biggest Gourd in Kentucky competition, let alone sitting on the Supreme Sheepfucking Court for the rest of his life.
Nice to see Senate Dems gettin’ all scrappy though, wasn't it? My favorite part was when Cory Booker stood on his desk, took off his shirt, and shouted, “Come at me, bro!” at Chuck Grassley. Honestly, I don't care if Booker IS putting on a show ahead of a 2020 run, he and Mazie Hirono are doing heroic work, releasing documents to the American people that the Republicans on the committee have tried to keep hidden.
So yeah, I guess Bratty Brett perjured himself before Congress a time or two. Received some stolen documents. Lied about it. Misrepresented his position on Roe v. Wade being settled law, which is REALLY gonna inconvenience Susan Collins, who's got all kinds of logical gymnastics to pull off now in order to pretend she doesn't understand what her vote will do to women's rights in this country. He seems to be a less-than-casual fan of civil rights. But honestly, does all that mean he shouldn't be allowed to sit on the highest court in the land and shape American law for the rest of his life?
I mean, FUCK YES IT DOES, but try telling that to the criminal cabal we call the Senate GOP Caucus.
...you could totally tell Kavanaugh was fartin’ up the hearing room the whole time, too. Jerk.
Rudy Giuliani now claims his Doddering Dotard client will not answer any questions about obstruction of justice, in person or in writing, no way, no how. He will not answer in a note, he will not answer on a boat. He will not answer on a beach, he will not answer when his traitorous ass finally finally FINALLY gets impeached. And then maybe he "backtracked." Can we all be honest enough to admit Rudy is an addled old man who doesn't understand what he's saying?
I see we've arrived at the Switching Out Insufficiently Enthusiastic Audience Members portion of the Shitty Real Life Orwell Theatre production we're all trapped in. Also the Trumpkin Literally Wipes Her Nose with the American Flag portion, it seems. Straight Dime Store Stalin shit.
And Little Georgie Papaderpaderp was sentenced today, to two weeks in prison, a year of supervised release, and permanent exile from Jeff Sessions’ Xmas card list. He also has to do 200 hours of community service, which I'd like to suggest could be filled by working up a stand-up routine based around his insider knowledge of Stephen Miller's porn history.
Th’Paper of Record felt compelled to publish an entire article debunking the American President's assertion that he doesn't use certain slurs, or demean southerners in general, often both at the same time. I'm sure Shart-O the Clown's southern base will learn of his lifetime of derisive dismissal of them and...shout Lock Her Up some more. Hell. We live in HELL.
Now I can joke about living in Hell, but it's the actual fucking reality for the hundreds of immigrant children our shitsack government continue to detain. And now the monsters are trying to weasel around the laws that keep them from jailing kids indefinitely. This Parade of Rectal Tumors has more or less given up on bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but kids in cages? That one they'll fight for, tooth and inadequately-short claw.
Oh hey! That Barack Obama guy came back! I missed him. I missed decency and honesty and...grammar. Anyway, the opening salvo of his return to politics on the midterms campaign trail was a doozy. It was tougher than I was expecting. It feels like another turning point on the road to taking our country back. Good.
And I'm glad to have Obama back in the fight. But if you take only one thing he said today (or ever, for that matter) to heart, let it be this: “You cannot sit back and wait for a savior.”
Damn right, Mr. President.
You’re the savior. YOU. You reading this right now. Your country needs you. You up to it?
You better be. You need to be.
The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring Brett Kavanaugh! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and some steaks.
(You want this post with super-helpful news links? You know you do. Click here: http://showercapblog.com/the-u-s-senate-presents-shitty-dinner-theatre-starring-brett-kavanaugh/)
It's almost kinda cute watching the various mini-Trumps of the GOP feebly attempt his schtick. Rod Blum, incumbent in the Iowa first, summoned all his might to attack the filthy Lügenpresse when a journalist...asked him a question. (Gasp!) While Blum required several days in the ICU, he is expected to make a full recovery.
Speaking of mini-Trumps, awwwwwww!!!! Young KKKris KKKobach has a grand jury investigation of his very own! THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! Anyway, have fun with everybody pokin’ through your vote-suppressing drawers, you cheap Nazi fuck.
Paul Manafort's daughter is so ashamed of her dirtbag traitor felon dad that she's changing her name, which is like a double-schadenfreude brownie with mint frosting and gofuckyourself chips. They should print out that article, and paper the walls of Paulie's fuckin’ cell with it.
I'm sure you've seen the pics of fuckin’ Melania, pretending to garden in high heels. Like, is this the First Lady of the United States, or an unused concept for a Duran Duran video from 1983?
Now it seems Omarosa may have recorded nearly every conversation she had with Weehands McDick in the fucking White House? Good gravy. Y’all, if this cut-rate attention whore can pull that off, IMAGINE what an all-you-can-eat buffet this gaggle of incompetent assclowns is for foreign intelligence services. It's safe to assume the Russians have the nuclear codes by now. Fuck, they've got the formula for Coca-Cola. Maybe even Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe.
And I guess the Shart House is hiding behind executive privilege to suppress thousands of pages of documents on Brett Kavanaugh. I dunno. Me, I like surprises. When he rules that it's totes constitutional to replace K-12 schooling with Just Watching Fox News All Day, it'll be a real fun twist.
Oh, didja see the thing where President Crotchrot attacked Attorney General Sessions for refusing to squash the prosecutions of a couple of criminals because they happen to be “popular” members of The Party?
Anybody else remember when news like that would've ground the entire world to a halt? Now it's all, “Oh, the American President doesn't like that there are laws, I guess. That seems less than ideal.”
Y’all, they would've impeached Obama SO HARD if he'd said that shit. They'd have impeached him if there was a RUMOR he said it. They'd have impeached him if he read a book where a character said it. They'd have impeached Michelle and Sasha and Malia and Bo and Joe Biden and Luther the Anger Translator.
Not only will Shart Garfunkel face no consequences whatsoever for demanding that his gang of thugs be allowed to flaunt the law, but his invertebrate enablers in the institutional GOP are sending warmer and warmer signals that if he feels like kickin’ it dictator-style, firing the AG and the Special Counsel, and more or less incinerating the rule of law in America once and for all, they're 31 flavors of cool with it.
Anyway, as I've mentioned, my fallback plan used to be teaching, but lately I've been thinking of joining the Republican Party, holding up a few banks, and then just waiting for my pardon.
So I guess the New Yorker invited Steve Bannon to some big fancy shindig, and everybody got mad because they were worried that the secretions from his facial sores would drip in the punch, and they went, “Look. I don't party with white supremacist losers, no matter how obtuse your cartoons are,” so Darth Wino got un-invited and now he's free to make balloon animals at your daughter's cotillion that night.
Insomuch as this silly little blog can be said to have a “mission statement,” it's right up there at the top: Chronicling the Insanity of the Trump Era Because Future Generations Are Gonna Think We Made All This Shit Up.
In the spirit of this holy mission, I want to reassure whatever yet-unborn historian or high school student or alien anthropologist picking through our civilization’s remains that may be reading this in the far-off future that what I am about to tell you is totally fucking real.
You probably already know our culture was struggling with virulent bigotry at this point in American history. What may surprise you is that some folks were so deranged with racist hate that they would not only destroy their own property, but post recordings of the destruction on the information superhighway (or “internet”) to impress other racists.
You see, there's this one black man they hate with the passion of a thousand suns (Why? Oh, he engaged in an act of peaceful protest. Don't ask.), and he's in this ad campaign, and so yeah, they're setting their shoes on fire. And shorts and socks. I think they're taking them off first, but I can't vouch for that with any confidence.
People are fuckin’ weird, is what I'm sayin’.
I see former Senator John Kyl will be filling the remainder of John McCain's term. I confess, I've been caught flat-footed by this one. I have no John Kyl jokes. Is John Kyl funny? Ummmm...now many John Kyls does it take to screw in a light bulb? ...shit, I got nothin'. LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO!
Some excerpts from Bob Woodward’s forthcoming behind-the-scenes peak at the Drumpf White House, titled “Nitwit” or “Shit-fer-Brains” or something, prompted a wave of denials from high-ranking officials.
“I did not call the President a turd-gargling doofus during a staff meeting,” insisted General John Kelly, "That happened at the Xmas party.”
“Rumors that I whacked the President across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when he suggested assassinating Bashar al-Assad are exaggerated,” said Defense Secretary Mattis through a spokesman, “the newspaper was exclusively a short-term potty-training tool, and a damned effective one if I do say so.”
“No habla inglés,” said Sean Spicer, from behind the bushes in his front yard.
Rugged Robert Mueller has indicated that he's willing to accept some written answers from Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops on certain topics in his Russia probe. Hope he's also willing to accept them in Rudy Giuliani's handwriting.
I guess I'm supposed to gripe about the all the bullshit Senate Republicans belched up in the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing today. I suppose I could parse every act of hypocrisy, great and small. I could scream MERRICK GARLAND until my throat bleeds.
I confess I didn't watch. I did see some clips, and I'm happy with the fight I saw from our Dems. Good, scrappy, shit.
In the end, the whole thing's for show, and all the indignant GOP speechifyin’ boils down to “We have the power to do this thing, and we're going to do it as quickly as possible, because we all know the wheels could come off this fucker any minute.”
At least Kavanaugh showed his true colors for all the world to see, giving the sub-zero shoulder to the grieving father of a Parkland victim. Him n’ Neil Gorsuch are gonna carve out out a nice little We Hate People Caucus on the bench. On the weekends they'll smoke cigars, drink brandy, and wander down to the charity wards to watch the poor folks die from treatable diseases.
Folks, I don't blame you if you're mad about this shit. Brett's a real prick, and he'll do real harm. Is there still a chance to stop his confirmation? I suppose, but it depends on Republican senators magically not behaving like Republican senators. From where I'm sitting, the best thing we can do is make sure he's the last lunatic right-winger ever to get nominated.
Take back Congress in 2018. If we really bust out asses, we can even take back the Senate, and Fat Q*Bert’s judge-appointin’ days will end. Oh, and I just happen to have an amusing-yet-informative resource (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) to help you do your part, aren't you lucky?
Take the White House back in 2020. Then, unlike last time, don't ease up. Don't assume, “Obama's got this, I can relax.” That elevated level of activism you've seen in yourself and your friends over the last year and a half? Maintain it. For the rest of your life. So we don't get blown out in the midterms. So we don't lose juuuuust enough votes to the useless goddamn Green Party to prevent winning that third consecutive term.
What I'm saying is, hold on to power until you get to nominate Clarence Thomas’ successor, and then Gorsuch and Kavanaugh get to spend their golden years seething ineffectually in the minority.
It'll take awhile. It'll be a life's work, actually. But it's worth it...you down? Cuz I'm down.
Anyhow, like I said, I've been focused on other stuff of late, so I probably missed a story or two. Sue me. I hear Ty Cobb is available
LET'S MONKEY UP THIS BLOG BECAUSE "MONKEY UP" IS SOMETHING HEP PEOPLE SAY ALL THE TIME!!!(Ferret/SC)
Look, through all the insanity of the last few years, I've done my best to stay positive, but I have to confess, my friends...I'm worried. Though I'm not a superstitious man, it's hard to see the blinding horror of Theresa May dancing as anything other than a sign of imminent apocalypse. Hug your loved ones, is all I'm saying.
(Before we dive into the madness, let me pimp Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms, http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/ now updated with 45 House races, most of the Senate map, and even a governor's race or two. Well, it's one. Spoilers. Anyway, click that shit. Get involved.)
And of course, this post is available, with all sortsa helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/lets-monkey-up-this-blog-because-monkey-up-is-something-hep-people-say-all-the-time/
So Devin Nunes decided he needed a life-affirming adventure, to help him get over his breakup with the country he betrayed, so he crossed the pond to see what it might be like to fuck some limey pigs for a change. He also figured he'd get to the bottom of this whole “dossier” thing and the Christopher Steele fellow who assembled it. Dumbass actually tried setting up meetings with British intelligence agencies, like he's not a world-renowned stooge. Bet he tried sneaking in wearing a top hat and a monocle.
While we're on the international diplomacy front, we learned the Shart of the Deal once tried charming his Japanese counterpart by snarling “I remember Pearl Harbor,” which is untrue for the dual reason that 1) He wasn't alive in 1941, and 2) His mind is so addled he doesn't remember to unzip his pants before pissing half the time. I swear, if this dipshit didn't have nuclear codes, he'd get his ass kicked every single day of his life.
In a closed-door meeting with a yowling pack of the hypocritical faux "Christians” who elevate a serial thief/liar/adulterer/steak-ruiner as a moral paragon, Baron Poostain Harkonnen took credit for something he hadn't actually accomplished (oh THAT old chestnut) and babbled about how Antifa stormtroopers will burn down every church in America unless Salma Hayek goes out with him, or some similar horseshit.
The GOP is so afraid of Badass Congressional Candidate Abigail Spanberger down in the Virginia 7th, they used shady methods to get ahold of her super-classified SF86 national security clearance form. They're trying to smear her as some sort of borderline terrorist, when in actuality she was protecting our country as a CIA operative overseas while her opponent, Dave Brat, was delivering the Koch brothers billions in unmarked bills via the bullshit Republican tax scam.
After Tuesday's primaries, general election season kicked off in Florida, where gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis made sure everybody understood his personal racism is so deeply ingrained that he can't go one day without casually dropping some straight Mississippi Burning shit on national television. Destructive gaffe, or clever strategy to fire up the dirtbag GOP base? You decide.
Anyway, Lil’ Ronnie Dogwhistle was also caught moderating a super-racist Facebook hate group, which his campaign feebly claims he was added to without his knowledge. "Somebody's just trying to monkey up the narrative,” claimed a spokesman, who is obviously quite invested in establishing “monkey up” as something normal people actually say in real life. Which it is not.
Things may look grim for DeSantis at the moment, but he's already getting a helping hand, in the form of robo-calls sponsored by neo-Nazis. “Oooo, Cap, good joke! That is indeed an absurd extrapolation of the Monkey Up story, that he would get support from neo-Nazis! Well done!” Nope. Not a joke. A thing that happened in the real world. Sleep tight.
Bruce Ohr is the latest target in Tangerine Idi Amin's ongoing quest to purge the FBI of anyone who will hold him and his co-conspirators to account for their crimes. I'm looking forward to “Do you have plans to destroy any law enforcement agencies in a fit of panicked self-preservation, and if so, which ones?” being a debate question going forward.
I'm not sure if it's fear or hubris or a lack of options, but the Candycorn Skidmark is becoming increasingly brazen in his lies these days. Just pullin’ stuff straight out of that ass that Dr. Ronny Jackson claims is two feet narrower than it actually is.
"China hacked Hillary Clinton's e-mail server,” he bellowed, from the (sigh) Presidential pulpit. And the FBI wasted no time in issuing a bold, firm, NOPE. “Google is hiding all the boatloads full of good news about me because they're worried you'll love me too much!” And another swift, decisive NAH.
And for the Big Fat Goebbels Lie Cherry on Top, now Orange Julius Caesar is taking “That interview I gave with Lester Holt? The one where I confessed to obstructing justice in front of the whole damn world? It was...um...doctored! Yeah, that's it! I was actually just talking about how much I want to fuck my own daughter!” out for a spin.
On the one hand, it's terrifying to see our nation's chief executive trying to rewrite reality like a drunk with an Etch A Sketch. On the other, it's kinda hilarious that he's chosen “that one thing that everybody on the fucking planet saw with their own eyes” as the hill to die on. It's like the idiot version of the Jedi mind trick. Conman Don imagines that if he can get away with it with the dumbest, most gullible rube, in his sycophantic turd army, then it's good enough for mass consumption.
That rube is probably Eric, now that I think about it. Eric, who would surely shriek for the Secret Service if you played Got Your Nose with him. “Eric, would you believe me if I said it wasn't really my voice on the Access Hollywood tape?” OH MY GOD, DAD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DEEP STATE THOUGHT IT COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT!!!!!
And of course, the Manchurian Manchild congratulated himself on the thousands of senseless deaths caused by his criminal neglect in Puerto Rico, because he is a white supremacist monster and a narcissist utterly lacking in empathy. “Those dead people are thrilled they don't have suffer through the rest of my dumpster fire Presidency, believe me!”
Well, we won't have Don McGahn to kick around anymore. The Shart House counsel is leaving in a few weeks to spend more time trying to wash the treason stink off himself...use steel wool, Don. Did he resign? Was he fired once the Dotard realized the implications of his testimony to the Mueller investigation? Was he forced out by Princess Ivanka and her Pigeon-Voiced Pet/Husband? Who gives a shit?
So far, meetings to pick McGahn's replacement have been largely futile, as aides have been forced to shoot down a number of the President's choices, because they are fictional lawyers from TV shows. Yes, he even tried to get the chicken from Futurama.
Civil Rights Hero Betsy DeVos is finally standing up for campus rapists, and if Republicans keep control of Congress, I'm sure they'll replace Martin Luther King Jr. Day with ten separate holidays, one for each DeVos yacht.
Continuing a controversial "look how much cooler my opponent is than me” advertising strategy, Senator Ted Cruz announced he will project his next campaign ad directly onto Beto O'Rourke's washboard abs.
People are giving Teddy shit for begging the Velveeta Vulgarian to rally with him, but maybe he's wilier than we're giving him credit for. How else can Earth's Single Most Dislikable Thing and Yes That Includes Cancer hope to generate sympathy? “Oh friends, I am so down on my luck that I have nowhere to turn but the very man who crushed my dreams, in the process insulting my father and my wife, woe is me!”
...or maybe he's just a big fat cuck.
In a display of his deft political savvy, President Shartcannon announced he's cancelling raises for millions of federal employees, because after passing hundreds of millions of dollars in tax cuts for super rich dudes like himself, the government needs to tighten its belt at the expense of working folks. Millions of ‘em. All coincidentally eligible to vote. In the goddamn midterms. A few short weeks away.
Further demonstrating his mad negotiating skillz, Shart Garfunkel couldn't stop himself from boasting to reporter about how he had made Canada his personal bitch during NAFTA talks, how they cowered before his before his mighty prowess and totally-normal-sized hands. Needless to say, the Canadians were slightly less than pleased when all this got back to them, and another deadline for an agreement has passed without a deal.
But I'd hate for you to think that the Man With Phalangeal Stunting is a totally ineffective dolt, a bumbling buffoon who nobody listens to! No, his message is getting through loud and clear in certain sectors...like, for example, with 68-year-old Shart fan and gun nut Robert Chain. Rob got himself arrested for threatening to murder some of the good folks at the Boston Globe, parroting the President's trendy “enemy of the people” catchphrase.
Strange, and depressing, that we’ve all gotten used to the President regularly inciting violence against the free press, all in a sad little bid to protect himself from the consequences of their diligent reporting. Poll after poll reveals the strategy is failing, but we've already seen one newsroom shooting and several arrests for threats. And yet, Fuckhead marches out there all the damn time, bellowing “enemy of the people” over and over again, totally unconcerned with the lives he endangers.
While Precocious Paul Manafort rots in jail between trials, one of his ol’ buddies pleaded guilty to crimes stemming from funneling illegal foreign donations to the Comically Under-Attended Shart Inauguration Non-Party fund. How do these people find each other? Is there a dating website, like Farmers Only but for money launderers?
Anyhow, welcome Sam Patten to the cast of characters. Yes, he's tied to a bunch of already-familiar scumfucks like Konstantin Kilimnik and Cambridge Analytica, and yes, he's cooperating with the Mueller investigation now. Robert Altman couldn't keep track of this shit.
We learned a little more about Ian M. Smith, recently forced out of DHS for being a massive white nationalist crotchtumor. Seems he got to attend high-level immigration policy meetings, some featuring his ideological BFF, Stephen Miller. Yep, white supremacists setting immigration policy, right here in the U.S. of A!
Maybe that's how we keep ending up with policies like “abandoning Puerto Rico after a hurricane,” "mega-racist travel ban,” “stealing children from their parents and throwing them in cages,” and now “denying passports to American citizens with Hispanic-sounding names.”
Yes, the white supremacist wing of the Trump Administration (which consists of the entire team down to the fucking interns) is doing all it can to bleach the electorate, questioning the citizenship even of veterans who have served the country in uniform. They're detaining American citizens. Deporting American citizens.
Folks, we are well past the “First they come for...” lines of the poem. When even these latest draconian measures fail to bring manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, you think these assholes will look for new solutions? Or new scapegoats?
And then the Shart Administration cut off funding to a U.N. program that helped Palestinian refugees, just the latest step in their ongoing Let's Make the World Shittier campaign.
I am so sick of this shit. I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN MY MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE!
And the world is saying goodbye to John McCain and Aretha Franklin, and damn, I need a pick-me-up.
What's this? A new set of polling data? Let's see what that's about...
Heh.
Hee hee hee heeeeeeee.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
OK, I'm better now. And our chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS is closer than ever before. Don't forget to check out that Action Guide, Shower Captives! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/
Petulant Pissant President Proves Pusillanimous, Poops Pants
Today, the biggest news story in the world revolved around whether or not the President of the United States could be forced to act like an adult. As I have stated on many occasions, I would very much like to wake up now.
And if I can't wake up, I'll settle for fighting back. That's why I keep updating Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. (A click away, at: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) Everything you need to know about the 2018 electoral battles to take the country back. We're up to 44 House races profiled, plus most of the competitive Senate contests, and we're finally moving into governor's races, too. Check it out! And THIS post, as is customary, is available, with all sorts of helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/petulant-pissant-president-proves-pusillanimous-poops-pants/
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos will have her revenge on the ungrateful nation that had the audacity to damage one tenth of her yachts! Her Bond villain-esque master plan involves designating millions of dollars in federal funding to put guns in America's public schools. So in the future, if you see a rich old white lady, sipping champagne and cackling maniacally at the funerals of the children who lose their lives in the inevitable avalanche of firearm accidents...that'll be Betsy.
Because I haven't blogged in a few days, I regret to you inform you that every conceivable Pecker joke has already been used multiple times, and I must therefore report, in a cold, journalistic, tone, that the CEO of the company that publishes the National Inquirer, the amusingly-named David Pecker, has been granted immunity in the Michael Cohen case. I invite you to add your own personal favorite Pecker joke here, to spice up this otherwise drab paragraph:
...I coulda used some Pecker immunity back in college tho HAW HAW HAW
Apparently the Enquirer had a safe full of documents on stories they intercepted and buried on behalf of the Marmalade Shartcannon during the 2016 election, even as they published a never-ending stream of libelous garbage about Hillary Clinton suffering from every health ailment from Alzheimer’s to having an H.R. Giger-style xenomorph implanted in her chest.
Because we live in Hell, I actually have to write ANOTHER paragraph about the National Enquirer, since apparently that one doorman guy is suddenly free to tell his no-doubt thrilling tale of Donnie Dotard fathering a kid with his housekeeper. Trump's housekeeper, not the doorman's. No word at press time as to the alleged love child's number of heads, however.
Oh, and Shart Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg has been granted immunity in the Cohen case as well? I imagine the drug stores closest to the White House have a really tough time keeping adult diapers in stock these days.
So Dumbfuck White Supremacist Tucker Carlson reads something from one of his Dumbfuck White Supremacist 4chan groups, rants about it on air, and a short time later our Dumbfuck White Supremacist President is ordering his Secretary of State, via Twitter, to investigate a Dumbfuck White Supremacist conspiracy theory about land reform in South Africa. I don't believe I'm alone in thinking that this is no way to run a railroad.
This week's episode of Th'Best People focuses on Chronic Self-Owner/Pro-Treasonweasel Pundit Paris Dennard, who has been suspended by CNN in light of the truly-disgusting-no-really-this-shit-is-gross-even-after-everything-we've-been-through-these-last-two-years-I-fucking-mean-it-grab-a-barf-bag-before-reading behavior that got him fired from his previous gig at ASU. Needless to say, Paris is doing what everyone in the Party of Personal Responsibility™️ does when their wrongdoing catches up to them; whining and playing the victim.
And I see one of the leading loons of the QAnon movement got himself a photograph next to President Crotchvoid right in the Oval Office, possibly in the very spot where he leaked classified intelligence to the Russians. I bring this up in case you're wondering why the faces on Mount Rushmore are weeping today.
Perpetually trembling in terror as the walls close in on him, the Velveeta Vulgarian insisted that his impeachment would bring on a stock market crash and also probably earthquakes and tornadoes and Netflix won't have anything except Dane Cook movies and fruit salads will be nothing but crappy underripe cantaloupe chunks, cut really close to the rind. I'm willing to take the risk.
Fat Q*Bert also ranted at length about “flippers,” finally making official the GOP's transition from their longstanding "law and order” platform to a more “Y'know what sucks? Law enforcement, that's what.” stance.
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet and Jeff Sessions are hissing and spitting at one another again. While of course I'd enjoy watching Ol’ Beauregard's dishonorable career end in shame, I could certainly do without the ensuing constitutional crisis. I feel like we need Nick and Nora Charles to walk us through a scenario where both of these assholes go down without taking the whole country with them.
Addled Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani thinks the American people will revolt if the Fetid Turd Emperor gets impeached for his many crimes. In a sense, Rudy's right. If America's alcohol and pizza industries fail to adequately prepare for the monthlong coast-to-coast party that would take place in the wake of Shartboy's impeachment, there very well could be riots.
Rescue teams are working around the clock to retrieve Duncan Hunter’s wife from the bus he threw her under. Yes, California's most thoroughly indicted CongressDope gave an unusually sweaty interview on Fux Nooz, seemingly to dispel any lingering notion that he might somehow be A) innocent or B) a halfway decent human being.
It's been said that only Nixon could go to China. Well, perhaps only Trump could go to North Korea and get utterly cucked in a one-on-one summit then demand the Nobel Peace Prize for accomplishing precisely fuckall then scramble to save face as North Korea openly defied him before petulantly canceling a high level meeting at the very last minute. Some might call this a massive diplomatic clusterfuck. Me, I think it's just about time to mint another challenge coin, bay-bee!
And of course, Senator John McCain, in a last-ditch effort to ruin Kelli Ward's campaign, died of brain cancer. His last words were “Suck it, Kelli Ward!,” and he requested his ashes be spread over as many of Kelli Ward's lawn signs as possible.
Yeah, the Arizona Senate primary is Tuesday, and Ward's closing argument seems to be “I am the craziest, most malicious, most heinous, dirtbag in this race.” Hey, it worked for Roy Moore. ‘Course, Kelli has Joe Arpaio to deal with...
McCain's passing really has brought out the worst in the Right. Fux Nooz had to disable comments on tribute articles because the feral jagoffs of The Base were tap-dancing on his grave. And while his Democratic colleagues praised him on the Senate floor, Jim Inhofe took a moment to shit on his grave.
And of course President Valor Thief, true to his reputation as All the Bad Kids From Willy Wonka Rolled Up Into One, made a big show of refusing to say or do anything to mark McCain's passing. Fully 50% of his pitch for the midterms is demonizing black athletes for allegedly disrespecting the flag, but knowing the White House flag was flying at half-staff to honor a rival ate at him so much, he ordered it re-raised almost immediately, a big fat (no wait, a short, stubby) middle finger to the rest of America.
The whole country came together to shame him for his lack of decency until he relented, no doubt fearing alienating one of the only remaining constituencies that might even consider re-electing him.
And of course you've heard there was yet another horrific mass shooting, this time at a video game tournament in Jacksonville. The killer seems to have been a white male, and unlike a recent murder in Iowa, the entire Republican Party/Right-Wing Screechosphere doesn't seem to be calling for sweeping changes to America's laws. Gosh, I wonder why that is? There must be SOME difference, but damned if I can figure it out. Where's Columbo when you need him?
Littlefinger responded to the tragedy with his trademark empathy, tweeting about how everyone loves him. The completely fabricated approval rating was a lovely touch, and will surely bring comfort to the grieving families.
And I see Strawberry Shartcake proclaimed total victory in NAFTA renegotiations cuz he has a preliminary agreement with the lame-duck President of Mexico on a couple of small issues that have yet to be run by either Canada or the U.S. Congress. Oh well, it's not like he's ever demanded credit for something he hasn't actually accomplished yet, and what could really go wrong, and also please pretend the earlier paragraph in this post about North Korea doesn't exist.
Meanwhile, watchdogs uncovered Sharty McFly’s personal meddling in the decision to renovate rather than replace the FBI headquarters, and subsequent lying about it, but surely all Americans can agree the profitability of the President's hotel should overrule the needs of the intelligence community. Patriotism 101, folks.
And if all this non-stop fuckery is grinding you down, Resisters, I say take heart. All is not lost, and we have a big big win to celebrate. I'm talkin’ about how national pressure forced the Georgia GOP to retreat from their plan to shut down 7 of 9 polling places in a majority African-American district. YOU did that. Nice work. Treat yourself to a damn beer.
...but if you're not gonna drink that beer...slide it on down to me, okay?
PS - A late-breaking story says a court ruling might just force North Carolina to ungerrymander before November? That could be MASSIVE fucking news, Shower Captives. Keep an eye on that one.
Apologies for this Super-Dull Recap of the Week's Exceptionally Boring News (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Kind of a slow news week, huh? I'm honestly not sure there's enough to justify a blog tonight. Maybe we can dig something up. Um...I got some new underwear...
As always, you can find this post, with all those sweet sweet news links, a link away at: http://showercapblog.com/apologies-for-this-super-dull-recap-of-the-weeks-exceptionally-boring-news/
I see protesters at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill toppled a statue of some dead loser traitor nicknamed “Silent Sam,” but tearing down Confederate monuments is SO 2017. Although I guess we can blame these things on roving Antifa mobs now, that's a new twist on a beloved classic.
I hesitate to even bore you with this, but the Shitmaggot Administration rolled back Obama-era coal emission standards, even though their own projections say doing so will result in an extra 1,400 premature deaths annually. I KNOW, I KNOW, you're all “Cap, the government deliberately kills its own citizens all the time, remember that time Jimmy Carter ordered the Air Force to napalm the suburbs of Denver, just for kicks?” Barely even news. Sorry.
What else, what else...ummmmmmmmmm....Larry Kudlow invited a white supremacist over to his house for his birthday? Does “High-Ranking Advisor to the President Does Jell-O Shots Out of Nazi's Belly Button” really qualify as NEWS anymore? That's page A-22 shit nowadays. Stephen Miller could fly to Chicago just to rub his bare ass on American Gothic and you'd forget about it in three hours.
Ho hum, I see Rand Paul is still out there shillin’ for Putin, this time pushing the official Kremlin line on keeping Georgia and Ukraine out of NATO. Again, this is old news. Comrade Rand's gonna show up next week in a car made from pure asbestos, praising vodka enemas, and we'll just shrug and check in on what those zany Kardashians are up to.
Susan Collins found her Plausible Deniability Umbrella in the Kavanaugh confirmation shitstorm, a flimsy sheet of bullshit literally everyone on Earth can see through, that will still allow her to feign surprise and disappointment when he spends decades on the bench rolling back women's rights, and I know I'm doing a gimmick tonight where I'm pretending everything is boring but this really is the least shocking news of all time. This is Susan Collins reduced to her purest essence.
Mmmmmmmm...let's see, anything going on with that Manafort fellow? The gossip columns tell us he's used his time in incarceration to become quite the adept little Sudoku player! He's also taken on the task of re-organizing the pantry in the prison commissary, and oh yeah, he was just CONVICTED ON EIGHT DIFFERENT FELONY COUNTS HASHTAG MANAFUCKED ROT IN JAIL FOREVER YOU TREASONOUS SHITWEASEL!
Yessir, Pusillanimous Paulie got nailed to the wall. And now he's going to a very sad place where none of the clothes are made from ostriches, not even the jumpsuits.
I guess if you were into super-obscure news, you might be interested in the thing where the President's longtime lawyer pleaded guilty to eight felony charges of his own. I think I maybe heard something where a couple of them mentioned Government Cheese Goebbels himself as the unindicted co-conspirator who instructed Cohen to commit federal crimes? And that it's only the office of the Presidency itself preventing him from being indicted?
I dunno, I wasn't paying close attention, I was watching an old Frasier. You know, the one where Niles did that thing?
Maybe we can bust up on the monotony by sending you over to Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (click here: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/). Meet the candidates on the front lines of the battle to take back Congress. They're a genuinely inspirational bunch, you'll like ‘em. And they could use your help. Yes, YOU.
I guess if wanted to spice up this quaaludes-at-a-Dan-Fogelberg-concert snoozefest of a news cycle, we could play a game. Like, we could try to guess what epic, horrible, shit Michael Cohen was into, that the feds uncovered, that his motherfucking PLEA DEAL was for eight felony counts, implicating the goddamn President, and still carries serious jail time. Was he selling crystal meth on playgrounds? Or do they just have pics of him dressing up in Ivanka’s clothes while Donnie bites his ass?
The Cohen thing and the Manafort thing happened literally minutes apart, so when you really look at it, outside of one teeny-tiny hour, things really have been sorta drab this week.
But as tedious as all this shit was, Cohen's lawyer, Lanny Davis, was out there trying to milk it anyhow. Lan the Man went on Maddow and was all “My client knows a bunch of shit about a certain Dotard and a certain International Conspiracy to Hack the DNC and Influence the 2016 Election blah blah blah.” Whatever, dude, Pawn Stars in on.
Fuck, things are SO slow, I have to resort to covering stories that didn't even happen, just to fill space.
Like, remember last week when the Soggy-with-Spittle Rightwing Echo Chamber didn't complain about other media outlets refusing to make the story of a white dude in Colorado murdering his family the center of all their coverage? Remember when they didn't demand all other stories be dropped to cover the old white man who shot literally hundreds of people in Las Vegas? Remember when they didn't think this act of white supremacist terrorism should push other stories out of the headlines? Or this one? Or this one? Or any of these?
I mention this only because the Shrieking Bigotosphere is claiming that there's some sort of conspiracy to report on the largest political scandal in decades, rather than devoting round-the-clock coverage to a single murder.
Gosh, I wonder if this has anything at all to do with the prevailing belief that the murder suspect was an undocumented immigrant? Oh Cap, you get so silly and cynical sometimes!
But Boy Howdy, the Republican Party REALLY wants to talk about this one specific murderer. PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE ROTTEN, OOZING, FETID, CORE OF UNAPOLOGETIC CORRUPTION AT THE HEART OF THE AMERICAN RIGHT!
Yeah man...Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum REALLY want this to be their Reichstag Fire. It's pathetic, and it would be more amusing if it wasn't...y'know...evil. Like, me? My fallback plan has always been teaching. The GOP's is...inciting a race war.
Can we also maybe talk about this weird the right wing does where they barge into a grieving family's life, and politicize their tragedy against their wishes? The people who actually knew and loved the victim are asking the hate-mongers to stop, to just show them a little respect, give them a little privacy, but the dirtbag pundit class is all, “Sorry folks, this torch-wielding mob isn't gonna whip itself up into a murderous frenzy, y'know?”
Of course now, the suspect's lawyer is saying he's in the country legally. Which doesn't matter a great deal in the grand scheme of things, or shouldn't anyway, but it just upended the Republican Party's entire advertising strategy for the midterms, because that's the fucking world we live in, folks. Sleep tight.
God, even the primaries were dull this week. Kinda funny that even a Drumpf endorsement couldn't get Foster “Y'know Who're Sluts? WOMEN, THAT'S WHO HAW HAW HAW” Friess over the line in the Wyoming governor's race. Lord. There are like, fourteen voters in Wyoming, and he can't even keep them in line. Just sad.
The DNC caught some fuckers trying to hack their voter database, and honestly if we keep recycling these old plotlines I'm just gonna go play Bejeweled until I pass out.
At least Duncan Hunter is trying give folks their money's worth! A 47-page indictment for livin’ large on campaign donors’ dollar? You House boys know how to fuckin’ party! You also apparently know how to insult entire branches of the armed forces! And you've demonstrated an uncanny knack for Buying Shit For Yourself with the Intention of Pretending the Expense was Actually a Donation for Wounded Veterans! Good luck with re-election!
Duncan, m’man, in a party full of pedophiles and abusers and enablers and that one guy who tried to pay his staff to fuck him, you somehow managed to stand out as exceptionally shitty. You are a Jagoff Among Jagoffs sir. Tell you what, I'll donate five hundred dollars to your re-election, but I'll only give it to you if you hold the fundraiser at a Navy bar.
I see Aerosmith's Steven Tyler sent Sharty McFly a “Stop Using Our Music at Your Klan Rallies, You Too-Long-Tie-Wearing Prick” letter, just to sprinkle a little crumbled-up toffee on the President's terrible horrible no-good very bad legal day. Man. That's Amazing. They're really treating Trump like a Rag Doll. Whatever happens next, I Don't Want to Miss a Thing.
Now I see Michael Cohen has been subpoenaed in that investigation into the Shart Foundation, which means he may not have time to fully catch up on BoJack Horseman before his sentencing, poor fellah.
Y'know what? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even blogged today, this is some bland-ass shit. Tell you what; you just lay back, take a lil’ nap, I'll give you a nudge if anything important happens, like, I dunno, Dorito Mussolini openly confessing to committing the crimes he's accused of during a softball interview with Fux Nooz or something.
...hang on.
All of these gags about how this earth-shaking news isn’t that big a deal becomes significantly less funny when you realize that that's exactly how Congressional Republicans are treating it. The President was implicated, under oath, in multiple federal crimes yesterday, and Paul Ryan has not called for a single hearing, nor opened a single investigation. And Mitch McConnell is playing the Little Bastard That Could, pushing Kavanaugh through before the whole fuckin' thing goes up in flames.
I'm looking for a gag amidst that horror, but it's all, HAW HAW THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS A MASSIVE CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE DESIGNED TO SOLELY TO SHOVEL WEALTH TO THEIR DONOR CLASS AND THEY'LL USE THE CONSTITUTION TO WIPE DOWN THE SPANK BOOTH AT BLAKE FARENTHOLD'S FAVORITE BAR IF THEY NEED TO HAW HAW HAW.
Ugh. That's kinda of a downer, isn't it? I should leave you with something more pleasant, shouldn’t I? Wanna laugh at Seb Gorka with me? Let's laugh at Seb Gorka.
Trump, Rudy, Rand, Cohen, Huck...the News is Like a Box of Crayons...64 Shades of Asshole.(FerretSC)
I'm feelin’nostalgic tonight, Shower Captives. I'm thinking about those bygone times when you could go days, weeks even, without paying attention to the news. Those were the goddamn wonder years, weren't they? Morgan Freeman narrated ‘em, but he didn't talk all that much, cuz we didn't need hourly updates on whether or not the Sphincter Volcano occupying the White House had blown up the world.
And if you wanna get back to those days, you know we need to notch some wins in the 2018 midterm elections. Click on over to Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms (a click away at: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) for all kinds of info on the battlegrounds. Pick out a candidate or two to adopt. Pitch in. Let's get our country back on track.
So. Th'news. (And you can find this post, with all them helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/trump-rudy-rand-cohen-huck-the-news-is-like-a-box-of-crayons-64-shades-of-asshole/)
Let's start with a story that is almost too jackhammer-to-the-temples stupid to be believed, yet simultaneously the Single Most Trumpian Thing of All Time. Of course I'm referring to the recently-unearthed Shart House meeting between Weehands McNodick and a group of veterans organizations, seeking potentially life-saving policy changes.
Did these veterans walk away with the changes they sought? Of course not. Did they even find a respectful, sympathetic, ear in their President? Don't be silly. Instead, the men and women who gave so much to serve their country were treated to a lengthy debate on whether it was Agent Orange or napalm Robert Duvall was talking about in that one scene in Apocalypse Now. Thanks for your service, right?
If you're reading this in some far-flung future, I assure you, despite your instincts, this is really a thing that happened, in real life, and not an example of the news-spoof satirical style that was popular in the early 21st century. Presumably, you're trying to pinpoint key moments in the decline of human civilization...well...”eureka.”
(The detail that really puts the cherry on top of the atrocity sundae here is Shart Garfunkel being completely wrong about one of the most famous quotes in film history.)
Hey, speaking of Apocalypse Now, I guess Erik Prince wants to be the literal “Viceroy” of Afghanistan, commanding a private army, all while rolling around in the pallets of cash shipped over regularly by the U.S. government, WHAT COULD GO WRONG? Anyway, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits, who's too dumb to even order a goddamn steak, seems to think this a great idea. The horror...the HORROR.
Elliott Broidy finds himself under federal investigation for selling his influence with his ol’ chum Don the Con. Seems like a good time to remind everyone that Broidy, along with serial sex criminal Steve Wynn, and all-around-thug Michael Cohen, made up the RNC's Finance team leadership, so yeah, one of our two major political parties is basically a criminal enterprise run by known criminals, but we can still get a gymful of rubes in Sheboygan to chant “drain the swamp” because this is Hell.
So, intelligence officials are notoriously non-political, during and after their service. This is, of course, for the very good reason that their work is so important that it must transcend partisan squabbling, and with the exception of that time Leon Panetta had a post office blown up rather than see it renamed after a former colleague who owed him 50 bucks from a Super Bowl bet, this unwritten rule has held as long as I can remember.
So when this all-star team, basically the Traveling Wilburys of the IC, writes an open letter saying “Look, there is some deeply un-American fuckery goin’ on with this Trump kid, and he needs to cut it the fuck out,” we should listen. Is all I'm sayin’.
Kevin McCarthy blew the lid off the Deep Dish State's sinister conspiracy to silence conservative speech by making Kevin McCarthy too fucking stupid to understand his own account settings. This dude is in House LEADERSHIP, y’all. You're starting to understand why they can't pass any legislation, aren't you? Actually, you're probably wondering how these clowns don't lock themselves in the damn bathroom all the time.
Joke's on you. They removed the knob during the Gingrich years. CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!
Man, what in the blue hell is going on with Rand Paul? He used to be a man of many interests! Showboating, grandstanding, wasting Congress’ time on useless symbolic votes, getting punched...now he's laser-focused on just one thing: representing our ol’ buddy Vlad Putin's interests. Rand, who used to be isolationist by 19th-century standards, suddenly wants to lift all sorts of sanctions on the country that ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES in 2016. Anyhow, I'm sure the most self-righteous Senator this side of Ted Cruz just changed his mind, and there's no kompromat whatsoever involved
Little Georgie Papaderpaderp's sentencing is coming up, and the Bobadook has recommended a light spanking for the naughty boy. Honestly, in the end, I dunno if George will merit more than a passing cameo in the epic Oliver Stone film of these stupid, stupid, times. A couple generations ago, it would've been a nice little part for Sal Mineo.
An article in the Failing New York Times revealed that White House counsel Don McGahn gave 30 hours worth of interviews to Team Mueller, all with President Crotchvoid's giddy-if-clueless blessing. Oh, and he may have done so to avoid being tossed under the bus by his shitsack boss.
Hilariously, Fat Q*Bert doesn't seem to have understood the consequences of allowing McGahn to speak to Mueller until he read the abovementioned article in the Failing New York Times. Lord. Even after after two years’ worth of steady evidence of the man's mental shortcomings, I confess I'm stunned that he's really THAT dumb.
By now I'm sure you've heard about Rudy Giuliani's famous “truth isn't truth” line, but what the LAMESTREAM MEDIA won't tell you is that before Chuck Todd so rudely interrupted him, Rudy was just about to launch into an epic poem of his own composing, a modern-day take on Ode on a Grecian Urn; "Donald is truth, truth, Donald...that is all ye know on earth and everything else is a witch hunt, SAD!”
Do I need to cover the fucking tweets? Maybe I should just cut and paste the same paragraph into every single blog post from here on out. Something like, “The President of the United States, who spends every waking moment in mortal terror of law enforcement drawing ever closer to holding him accountable for his many crimes, shit his pants, grabbed his phone, and screeched some rage-and-lie-filled garbage into the void, in a desperate, futile, attempt to slow his black, racing, heart for a fleeting moment, until General Kelly changed his diaper and spoon-fed him some ice cream spiked with horse tranquilizers, and then he wandered off to golf.”
Pajama-Clad Self-Own Factory Blake Farenthold is doing all he can to combat his image as an abusive sexual predator. That's not fair, proclaimeth Blake! I'm ALSO a whiny brat who can't take responsibility for my actions AND a totally unethical, self-serving, crook AND just a general dirtbag who talks like a denizen of Jim Jordan's locker room.
Sign of the times: a Shart House employee was fired last week once his ties to white supremacist organizations surfaced, and you totally had to check the date on the article, because you weren't sure if was a new guy, or one of the other high-ranking executive branch officials fired for associating with white supremacists. Didn't you? I sure did.
Former Governor/Progenitor of the Subpar Mike Huckabee keeps workin’ on his stand-up set, but every punchline is “Mike Huckabee is racist trash,” and you'll only laugh if you find hatred amusing. He's knockin’ ‘em dead on the Klan rally circuit.
Rumor has it that th'Feds are preparing charges against Michael Cohen, and they could be announced by the end of the month. I guess they found something in that raid, but what? Tax fraud? Campaign finance violations? Spray-painting “Mikey + Donny 4-Ever” on public property? Anyway, you know Cohen's full-time job these days is digging up every little bit of dirt on his old boss that he can think of to swap to prosecutors for leniency, and that thought brings a nasty little grin to my face.
...does anyone else imagine Cohen and Manafort swapping letters, or maybe texts, lamenting that they'd almost certainly have gotten away with their lifetimes of crime, and retired happily on the ill-gotten fruits, had Donald Trump never run for President? That makes me smile, too.
Need a laugh? ABC published this lil’ thing about how Dr. Ben Carson's reputation has been shredded and shit on due to his association with Tangerine Idi Amin. Don't worry Ben, they're using that spot where your portrait used to hang to store grain.
Oh Scott Pruitt, I just can't quit you! Yeah, Scotty's back in the news today, since apparently he only used his $43,000 James-Bond-for-dipshits soundproof booth ONCE during his entire tenure, for ONE five-minute phone call. Yeah, yeah, nice catch, you fancypants watchdogs! But Scotty used that booth for a whole lot more than phone calls, which you'd know by now if you'd looked at it under a black light.
I see President Shartcannon has fully internalized the idea of an interview with Mueller being a “perjury trap.” I know we hear those words a lot these days, but everybody please take ten steps back and recall that an under-oath interview with law enforcement is only a “perjury trap” if you intend to lie. “Perjury” is just a fancy word for “lying.” Not even that fancy, to be perfectly honest.
And now he's congratulating an American citizen of Latino heritage for speaking “perfect English” and talking about how he thinks he has the authority to head up the investigation into...himself?
A few paragraphs back, I think I said something about not believing Drumpfy was really THAT dumb? I take it back.
Fuck. Just reading the news makes ME dumber. It's Flowers for Algernon in reverse. Maybe in two years we can get the country back on track and I can devote my mental energy to higher pursuits again. Or even lower ones. Fuck, I miss baseball. Though the case can be made that this whole shitshow started when my beloved Cubs turned reality inside out, so...
Anyhow, thanks for readin', and I'll see y’all soon.
Why're All These White Supremacists So...Y'know...Shitty? (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I'm a little extra loopy tonight, chums. I assume that's cuz I mixed a little asbestos into my customary six-pack. Carcinogenic? Perhaps. But it's one helluva party.
(You know the drill. This post can be found, with all those shiny news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/whyre-all-these-white-supremacists-so-yknow-shitty/)
Just to get the shitty news out of the way early, white supremacist megagrifter KKKris KKKobach, despite all his dishonesty and racist fuckery, squeaked through GOP primary in Kansas, and may just be the next Governor. In hindsight, that truth or dare game where we challenged the Sunflower State to find a bigger bastard than Sam Brownback was a mistake. In eight years, the Governor of Kansas is going to be an actual colon tumor, wearing two lapel pins: one gaudy, sparkly, American flag, and one that just says “whites only.”
Most of the other recent election news has been excellent, however. Dem turnout is through the roof. We're nominating fantastic, strong, candidates everywhere we need to, and breaking barriers along the way. And yeah, this is where I pimp Shower Cap's Action Guide to the Goddamn Midterms (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/). Meet your candidates. Pick your favorites, and work your ass off to get ‘em elected!
Plus, we got to watch Tim Pawlenty fail again, and like Ben & Jerry's Half Baked, I am ALWAYS down for that. Seriously, I feel like there should be national holiday dedicated to laughing at T-Paw and his milquetoast, comically out-of-touch, campaign style. We should figure out a way to send him to Pleasantville. He'd be ok there.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, who you'll remember was allegedly persecuted by a stand-up comic who called her a liar, stood in front of the American people and claimed her Turd Emperor had created more jobs for African-Americans in a year and a half than Obama did in 8 years, plus he freed the slaves and wrote half the tracks on The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies.
There's more Omarosa shit, of course. I think we need to resign ourselves to the fact that “Omarosa shit” is a fact of life now. Thousands of years from this moment, she will be a brain in a jar, still doling out recordings of Reince Priebus ordering sandwiches or Scaramucci farting on Obama's portrait.
That said, watching this freakish little clown make the most powerful man on Earth dance and squirm is...not super comforting, is it? And then you find out Orange Julius Caesar is trying to get Jeff Sessions to arrest her? Can something be horrifyingly fascist and ridiculously hilarious at the same time? I hope Mel Brooks sticks around long enough to make The Producers II...
Anyhow, today she released a tape of Lara Trump apparently offering her a fat stack of hush money, to be paid out of MAGA nation's worshipful donations. Money well-spent, rubes. Hope ya don't wind up needing the spare cash when the Dumbfuck Trade War sends your job overseas.
If you're Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for "General Kelly cuts the crusts off my sandwiches”), you have a problem; you're the most hated man on Earth because you're malicious, stupid, selfish, and incompetent. There's not a lot you can do about that. BUT you've got another problem; your crooked underlings keep generating embarrassing headlines, as they're constantly getting caught in increasingly-bizarre acts of corruption. (Shit, they're still cleaning the cum stains out of Scott Pruitt's creepy little soundproof booth.) That one, you can fix.
You could demand accountability from your people. You could stop hiring people with criminal inclinations. You could announce zero tolerance for your appointees wasting taxpayer money.
OR...you could try to gut the funding for the Inspector General offices that have been uncovering all this shit in the first place! Whoever thought it was a good idea to put the crooks in change of hiring the cops...you're grounded, dude. No XBox for a month.
Speaking of high-ranking Shart Administration grifters, Ryan Zinke is a fucking moron. Cowboy Z says that while climate change is a big fat hoax, “environmental terrorist groups” are real, and THEY'RE the ones to blame for California wildfires. In all fairness, Ryan probably doesn't have a whole lot of time to keep up with the latest science these days, what with the 11 different federal investigations into his misconduct that he's juggling.
Pissant Pol Pot revoked John Brennan's security clearance, because he's pathetic and petty, and doesn't understand that doing so reveals his insecurity, his weakness, and his all-consuming, crippling fear. Can't speak for any of y’all out there, but having a perpetually-terrified President is not my favorite thing.
Anyway, while his staff regurgitated some horseshit justification for the move, Government Cheese Goebbels himself told the Wall Street Journal he did it because of the Russia investigation, just the latest extremely public confession of obstruction of justice. The institutional Republican Party responded with their customary deafening silence.
...I confess, I'm increasingly impressed with Paul Ryan. Think about it. How can he hold his hands over both ears while his thumb is simultaneously up his own ass? HOW?!?!?!?
Anyway, if op-eds were wedgies, Brennan's response in the Failing New York Times was so atomic, he not only pulled the Candycorn Skidmark's underpants all the way over his head, but achieved an additional half-lap, attaching the elastic waistband to the end of his too-long necktie.
And then along came Admiral William H. McRaven, commander of the raid that killed Bin Laden, with an op-ed of his own. Continuing the wedgie metaphor, Admiral McRaven essentially strapped a Patriot missile to Wee Don's tighty-whities and launched him into the goddamn stratosphere. “MY security clearance is Spartacus!” proclaimed the Actual American Hero to the Bonespur Buttplug, who would surely have withered away in shame, were he capable of shame.
We all enjoyed a hearty chuckle when we saw one of the braindead nincompoops on Fux n’ Frauds celebrate America's famous victory over “Communist Japan,” which may have occurred in a Bill O'Reilly novel, but certainly not in the real world. See, you're laughing right now, but in a few seconds, it'll begin to dawn on you that this is the program the President of the United States watches religiously, treating it like a fountain of pure truth and trusting it more than he does the entire American intelligence community. Not so fuckin’ funny now, is it?
WaPo let us peek behind the curtain, into the home lives of Kellyanne “I am propaganda minister to a wannabe fascist tyrant” and George “Look, I'm a Republican but my WHOLE soul isn't dead” Conway. Pretty typical rom-com stuff, with the bickering couple pretending to be off-the-record sources attacking one another's point of view. They are, as a friend put it, “the T.J. Maxx version of James Carville and Mary Matalin.” Anyhow, Julia Roberts will produce and star.
Hey, this is really weird coincidence, authorities are looking at closing down 7 of 9 voting locations in a predominantly-black Georgia district ahead of November's surprisingly-competitive election! Why no, similar efforts do not seem to be under consideration in white-majority districts, WHY DO YOU ASK?
(I'm fairly certain that whenever Republicans gather, at things like CPAC or gun loon conventions, they stay up late, making s'mores from overpriced Dean and Deluca ingredients, trying to frighten each other with scary stories, where the twist at the end is always about minorities voting.)
Hey Shower Captives, wanna do something a little lighter for a change? Grab yourself a beer, and let's laugh at some white supremacists together.
Leading the No Red Noses Because Our Makeup is All White clown parade is Jason "What if You Threw a Klan Rally and Nobody Came” Kessler, who was doing some pathetic Nazi internet ranting when his Dad yelled at him to stop being a Nazi in his house because Jason Kessler lives with his parents. Nothing says “master race” quite like “grown-ass man with a curfew and chores because he can't pay his own rent,” right?
...are you ok? You may have laughed so hard that you pulled a muscle, or perhaps even ruptured your diaphragm. Maybe you should stretch or something.
Let's ease up a bit. Alex Jones losing yet another platform is still pretty funny, but not quite Nazi-in-mom's-basement funny. Still, in a couple weeks, we'll be reading about Alex trying to run off some copies of a flyer about false flags, or the tyranny of yogurt, at a Kinko‘s*, and his credit card'll be declined, and he'll literally combust.
Sticking with this topic...Tucker Carlson hates litter. And by litter, he means “illegal immigrants.” YEAH. In the middle of one his trademark slack-jawed bonehead rants about plastic straws of some shit, Liar Tuck tossed off that lil’ gem of casual dehumanization, the way a normal human being might decline an offer to add two apple pies to their meal for just 99 cents. Chilling.
HOW THE HELL CAN TUCKER CARLSON, OF ALL PEOPLE, BE A WHITE SUPREMACIST????? Look at the guy. He looks like a play-doh man you left outside and forget about until you randomly stumbled across it the next summer. If you're so damn superior, m’man, how have you spent your entire time on this earth without ever once successfully delivering instructions to a barber or hair stylist?
And the white-anxiety-stoking machine we call Fox News commemorated the passing of the mighty Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, as only they could; by LITERALLY PAIRING THEIR OBITUARY WITH A PHOTOGRAPH OF PATTI FUCKING LABELLE, in possibly the single most Fucking of Course They Did story in human history.
No doubt you'll be stunned to learn that the Shart of the Deal has once again failed to deliver a project at the promised cost. This time it's the Big Dumb Military Parade, initially quoted at a still-ridiculous 20 million bucks, which now will cost at least $92 million.
So, we don't have the resources to reunite the families we separated at the border. We can't fix the water in Flint. We couldn't afford to help the American citizens in Puerto Rico, so we left hundreds to die. But the Insecure Manchild Ego Trip budget is limitless. Cool.
(Oh, and while I was workin’ up this post, news broke that the whole shebang has been postponed anyway, because of course it has. They'll finally figure out how to pull this shit off sometime in Kamala Harris’ second term, and she'll go "why the fuck are you still working on this garbage?”)
Vulnerable Republican CongressJag Rodney Davis made some headlines this week, as one of his dirtbag staffers got hammered, stalked and pestered his opponent at a fundraiser, got evicted, and became physically violent. The future of the GOP is secure! (Anyhow, if you feel like standing up to this particular violent dipshit, toss a lil’ donation Betsy Dirksen Londrigan's way.)
I'll leave you with one last story. Today, the editorial boards of hundreds of newspapers across the country came together to speak out in defense of the free press, and against the Dime Store Dictator's ongoing assaults on their work. I couldn't possibly link all the pieces, but I hope you'll track down your local paper's version. The President, who hates, loathes, and fears the truth, responded as you knew he would; by attacking the press yet again.
Y'know, I didn't really appreciate the work journalists do until Sharty McFly came along. I took them for granted. I appreciate the hell out of them now. When we finally pull our country out of this nightmare, the press will deserve the lion's share of the credit. I hope you'll take a moment today to use your platform, however great or small, to express your appreciation for everything the free press does. They're heroes. Fucking heroes.
Well. Not Chris Cillizza, obviously.
*Hey, I guess Kinko's doesn't exist anymore. Who knew?
PS, let me drop my own lil’ Aretha Tribute:
What you know
Mueller's got it
What you hide
You know he's got it
Now you're waitin'
Until you get impeached when he gets done (gonna go to jail)
Hey dirtbag (gonna go to jail) when he gets done
(Gonna go to jail) Mister President (gonna go to jail)
I-M-P-E-A-C-H
Shake your tiny fists in rage
I-M-P-E-A-C-H
Get your ass offstage
Oh (lock him up and lock him up and lock him up and lock him up...)
Would You Rather Be Omarosa at a Campaign Reunion, or Stephen Miller at a Family Reunion? (Ferret)
At this point, after nearly two years of being governed by this Clown Car Full of Rectums, I'm at the end of my rope, friends. I'm lookin’ at the clock every three minutes, asking, ”is it the midterms yet?” It's like Xmas times a thousand, where I'm pretty sure I'm getting everything I ever wanted up to and including the Millennium Falcon, but there's still a chance all those boxes under the tree are full of coal and Nazis.
And if you're itchin’ to do your share of the lifting in the 2018 midterms, be sure to click over on Cap's freshly-updated Action Guide! (http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/) Tons of info on the races and the candidates. Meet all the good good people on the front lines of the fight, and chip in where you can!
(And of course, find this post, with all kinds of shiny links, at: http://showercapblog.com/would-you-rather-be-omarosa-at-a-campaign-reunion-or-stephen-miller-at-a-family-reuinion/)
In this period of almost unprecedented cruelty to immigrants and asylum-seekers, your Attorney General is hoppin’ mad...because the government isn't hurting enough non-white people! Yes yes, ol’ Beauregard has been caught trying to fire immigration judges who refuse to turn their courtrooms into smooth-n-speedy deportation machines.
You can almost picture Bilbo Bigot perched above the judge's bench, cracking a whip, shrieking “Racister! Make it RACISTER BY GUM!” in that wobbly little cartoon voice of his.
Speaking of Jefferson...don't you hate the emotional confusion you have to navigate every time the Velveeta Vulgarian shits all over him? Like, first you're all, “fuck yeah, let's see that wrinkly hate-yokel’s career end in flames at long last!,” but then you remember that firing Sessions would set off a genuinely terrifying constitutional crisis and who the fuck knows what happens then, so you grit your teeth and remember it's really important that he doesn't get fired but holy fuck he is a straight-up white supremacist doing everything within his really quite substantial power to hurt people, and fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!
Just gotta keep reminding myself...every day, we're one day closer to getting rid of ALL these fuckers, once and for all. Tick tock, you bastards.
Hey, I think we found the future of the Republican Party! Meet Melissa Howard, running for a seat in the Florida House, who lied about having a college degree, and then, when called out, actually forged a fucking diploma. At this very moment, she is no doubt furiously filling blue books with phony essays answering questions she imagines college professors may have asked on tests for classes she never took. Melissa will be running HHS by spring.
Jesus, do I have to cover this Omarosa thing? What if you just drank a pint of turpentine and locked yourself in the bathroom with a couple of hangry badgers? The effect is essentially the same.
So she taped everything. LORDY THERE ARE TAPES I BET I GOT TO THAT JOKE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE, RIGHT? She taped John Kelly firing her...in the goddamn Situation Room. She taped Boss Shart pretending he didn't know she was getting fired*. She taped Jared and Ivanka, possibly involved in some ritualistic sex act involving the blood of orphans. Allegedly, there's even a video of Bannon draining his facial sores directly into his thermos.
And then President Crotchvoid took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to say, “Omarosa? Boy she sucked. She didn't do anything and everyone hated her. She kept kidney-punching foreign heads of state when they visited. She farted like a rhinoceros. She made Reince Priebus wear these horrible nipple clamps. But I kept her around anyway, BECAUSE SHE SAID NICE THINGS ABOUT ME.”
(This space intentionally left blank to allow time for the reader's primal scream to die down.)
Yeah, nothin’ to see here. Just the President of the United States telling us he'll happily surround himself with malicious, incompetent, buffoons, so long as they kiss his ass.
Oh, and he seems to think that he can hold White House employees to non-disclosure agreements? Like, literally hide the workings of the federal government from the American people? How fun n’ fascist! Looking forward to see that one play out in the courts.
Anyway, if you think it's weird that Omarosa recorded her co-workers, you probably don't want to know what Stephen Miller did with the baggie full of pubes he harvested from the West Wing restrooms.
Big breakthrough this week in the ongoing quest for American greatness! If you're like me, or any red-blooded patriot, or the ghost of George Washington himself, you've probably thought, “the problem with this country is that it's too damn hard to take advantage of our military personnel and their families via predatory lending practices.” Well, I am happy to report that MICK MULVANEY IS ON THE JOB, good people! He isn't about to stand by while payday lenders suffer at the hands of the men and women who risk their lives defending this country! (In the background, Jesus flies by, riding on the back of an enormous bald eagle. Both are weeping tears of pride.)
You guys, I think we broke Kellyanne Conway. I remember reading a story when I was a kid, about people in a society that had been infiltrated by robots, where they would root out the artificial lifeforms in their midst by asking them unanswerable questions, like “what rhymes with orange?” which would make smoke come out of their ears. That's pretty much what happened when a reporter asked Kellyanne to name a black person who works in the White House.
When I first saw the headlines proclaiming that Donald Trump doesn't understand the concept of time zones, I felt a pang of envy, as I often do when I see someone else post a gag I wish I'd thought up. “Dang, that's GOOD! Wait...wait, what? It's REAL? THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES KEEPS CALLING WORLD LEADERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE HE'S TOO FUCKING DUMB TO UNDERSTAND TIME ZONES? WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE."
...anyhoo, I just started digging a fallout shelter, so feel free to send canned goods in addition to beer.
Hey look, a Nazi won a Republican primary. No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. This one was in Missouri.
Speaking of Nazis, last weekend’s “Unite the Right” rally brought together about nineteen of the shittiest white boys in America, where they swapped tips on where to get good deals on wooden teeth and how to shoplift Sudafed.
So the FBI fired Peter Strzok toda-
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: ‘Scuse me, Cap, do you mind if I take this one?
Cap: Huh? Oh, it's not really your thing, is it, Bill? Aren't you more the “stealing children from their parents and throwing them in cages” guy?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Usually, yeah, but I think this particular story should be treated with...well, with Abject Horror.
Cap: Well...ok, Bill...take it away.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: So Peter Strzok got fired. On the surface, maybe this seems like just another bit of drama. Tangerine Idi Amin is always firing somebody, right? What pushes this into the realm of Abject Horror is, this is a high-ranking, highly respected law enforcement official who was purged for private conversations in which he was critical of the walking turdpile who would eventually become President.
Cap: Gee. When you put it like that, Bill...
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah. The idea this dime store dictator and his craven congressional enablers pulled out of thin ass was, if you've ever criticized the boss, even in private, you're hopelessly biased, and any work you've done on, say, a criminal investigation into said boss is completely invalid, and must be tossed out. They're saying you must be loyal, completely loyal, to serve in law enforcement. Maybe to serve in ANY branch of the government. They're saying dissent isn't allowed.
Cap: ...fuck
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: YES..."FUCK." This is the most fascist thing they've done yet.
Cap: ...FUCK!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I haven't even gotten to the real Horror yet, Cap.
Cap: (Whimpers)
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: See, what's really frightening here, is how his base, the wild-eyed, spittle-drenched, maniacs of MAGA nation, greeted this news with exuberant glee. The single biggest crotch-punch to American democracy in our lifetime, and they're CHEERING.
Cap: Yeah, Bill...that's legit horrifying. You were right.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, I've got the usual stuff too. Do you want the one about the government trying to deport a couple's legally-adopted child, or the one about ICE stealing children from a Salvadoran woman fleeing violence, falsely declaring her to be a member of MS-13 because hey, why not, right?
Cap: I think we've had enough Abject Horror for one post, Bill. See you soon, I suppose.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: You know you can't quit me, Cap.
We learned the Shart House decided to waive their usually-strict ethics rules to allow Serial Abuse Enabler Bill Shine to chat with his old pals at Fux Nooz. Me, I find the notion of an “ethics waiver” from these cheapest of crooks to be inherently amusing. Like an army engaged in ethnic cleansing instituting casual Fridays or something.
WOW. Stephen Miller's uncle wrote an eviscerating piece for Politico about how his dead-eyed nephew is a racist monster whose dirtbag white supremacist immigration policies would have exterminated his own ancestors, and also that he masturbates with a cheese grater.
I've had some falling-outs with my family over the years, but at least none of them have reached the “op-ed accusing you of being a genocide-enabling villain of historic proportions” level.
...yet.
The Marmalade Shartcannon must be cranky today, since he had to leave his golf course for the first time in a week to sign a bill. The bill is named, “The John S. McCain National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2019,” but naturally your Petty Pissant President refused to say McCain's name even once. On the other hand, I'm sure General Kelly had to talk him out of spending the signing ceremony just rattling off cancer jokes, so maybe this counts as good behavior?
The prosecution rested in Precocious Paul Manafort's trial, paving the way for the begging/crying phase of the proceedings. That should be fun.
Poor Alex Jones can't seem to find a safe space to terrorize grieving families from, how very very sad. Banned from YouTube, he tried to sneak his filth onto Vimeo, who greeted him with a swift, decisive, NOPE. This Human Scrotal Fungus is about six weeks from being banned from his own sock drawer. Good.
Politico has uncovered perhaps the most pathetic act of corruption in human history, as Sharty McFly apparently gives his staffers a discount on merch at his tacky-ass golf clubs. I bet that'll be really comforting to all the collaborating dipshits who will never again be able to land a job from any decent human being anywhere.
Anyway, I can't think of a better way to wrap up tonight's post than to give you a chance to laugh at the pathetic blob of ridiculousness that men call...Seb Gorka, who has been caught making his own fake Fux Nooz business cards. You're welcome, Resisters. See ya soon!
*Cuck
If These Are the Best People, God Save Us From the Fourth Best
I've resigned myself to the fact that I no longer live in the real world. Somehow I fell into some mediocre novelist's vanity project, heavily influenced by Clancy, le Carré, Seuss, Birthday-Party-era Nick Cave, and far-too-readily-available cheap weed. It's not fair, and I hate it, but I'll keep documenting it all the same. Please send help.*
(And you can check out this post, with allllll those helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/if-these-are-the-best-people-god-save-of-from-the-fourth-best/)
By now, you've probably heard that asbestos is back, bay-bay! Our President is such a raving-egomaniac-slash-Russian-puppet that he will literally reintroduce a known carcinogen to the citizens of the country he is entrusted with protecting if the manufacturer slaps his swollen, vacant, face on the packaging. Heaven help us.
Six weeks, asbestos won't just be allowed, it'll be mandatory. Happy meal toys will just be asbestos bricks. Asbestos bidets in all public restrooms. And some third asbestos joke, write it yourself, I'm fucking tired, probably from asbestos poisoning.
Wouldja believe that the preceding story is actually not the only one about the American government trying to poison the American people with toxic chemicals? Fuck, it's 2018, of course you would. It took intervention from a fucking court to get the Drumpf EPA to ban a pesticide that causes brain damage in children. Are we at the point, finally, when THE LEGALITY OF CHEMICALS THAT CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE IN CHILDREN is a partisan issue?
I'm dedicating the rest today's entry to Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Remember that time I lost a spelling bee to a donut?”) and those who surround and enable him...the famous “Best People.” Let's see what the Rectum Parade is up to these days, in their spare time, when they're running the American government rather than trying to kill the Batman.
Forbes went poking through The Sleepiest Best Person Wilbur Ross’ closet, possibly during one of his semi-hourly naps, and discovered he's grifted as much as $120 million over his lifetime of white collar crime. You can certainly see why he gets on so well with Boss Shart.
While we're on Wilbur, apparently he woke up just long enough to order California wildfire fighters to use water designated to protect endangered species in their efforts, even though the firefighters have repeatedly said that they don't need to. Any minute now, Il Douche will order the Marines to the Galápagos Islands just to kick the tortoises.
Here's a tricky one: what do you do when two of the Best People are fighting each other? Cuz after this week in court, Precocious Paul Manafort and Rascally Rick Gates will no longer be exchanging Arbor Day cards, methinks.
Gates is all “we committed so many crimes together, because we were young and in love...with crimes,” and Manafort was all, “you had an affair!” and Gates was all, “And I paid for it with money I embezzled from you!” and Paul was all “I am so #Manafucked!” and Gates was all, “Yarp. Shoulda taken that plea deal, Son.”
ProPublica published a special profile of some of the Best People That You Didn't Even Know About, how fun! Seems the Marmalade Shartcannon has outsourced a number of important government functions, including BASICALLY THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS to three of his super-rich Marm-a-Lago buddies.
Yeah. So we're deep down the river now, almost in the Very Heart of Darkness. Shit be crayyyyyyyyyy, my friends. What do you do with the news that the fucking PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES just lets his golf buddies run the federal government? Do you crowd-fund some membership fees for actual experts and hope for the best? Or do you lose your mind and start a radical new civilization someplace the hand of man has yet to touch? I'm on the fence.
New York CongressJag Chris Collins was one of the Oldest Best People, Shart Garfunkel's very first congressional endorser, and he just got rather thoroughly indicted for insider trading. Like the truly elite GOP grifters, Collins has been paying his legal fees out of his campaign fund, and I for one will never get sick of watching the rube army's money evaporate in this manner. Anyhoo, Chris is going down, and perhaps dragging a few of his dirtbag co-workers with him.
Charter Best Person Betsy DeVos’ yacht is so Best, it's too good for the stupid cuck United States of America! The DeVostator proudly flies the Cayman Islands flag from the Good Ship Plutocrat, so she doesn't have to pay taxes on any of that money that she never worked a single passing minute of her life to earn. America First!
Anyway, Betsy announced a nationwide tour of public schools, where she will go from classroom to classroom, breaking all the poor kids’ crayons.
Best Attorney Person/Best Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani somewhat amusingly thinks he's in some sort of position to bargain with the Mueller investigation. Rudy's struttin’ around, settin’ deadlines, declarin’ topics off limits...he’s like a little kid playing lawyer. A little kid in a Boris Karloff mask. That he left outside on a hot summer night, so it got all melted and distended and shit.
(While we're here, let's all take ten steps back to wonder at how we've arrived at the point where we've normalized the concept of a “perjury trap,” which I'll remind you means literally “an under-oath interview between law enforcement and a man who cannot stop himself from lying,” which is somehow, for reasons that have not been made clear, unfair to the liar. What the FUCK, y’all?)
In related news, Hannibal Lecter has agreed to answer most of law enforcement's inquiries, but questions about Chianti pairings are off the table.
I think we can officially welcome Rand Paul to the ranks of the Best People, since he's proving to be such a dutiful little errand boy, passing notes between Wee Don and Putin. I'm told Vlad was so pleased, he gave the eager young legislator a fistful of rubles with which to purchase an ice cream cone. Sources inform me Senator Paul was unable to enjoy the entire cone, however, as the resident of the neighboring hotel room punched him, because he's so damn punchable, y'know?
Best Son Person But Only Because Jesus Fuck Have You Seen Eric? Don, Jr. tweeted out an obviously-photoshopped graphic claiming his Dirtbag Dotard Dad is more popular than getting a blow job at an IHOP or something, because he is a walnut-brained idiot, and because Dunning-Kruger is so very very real.
Best Soon-to-be-Indicted Person Roger Stone must think it's a weird coincidence that all his closest pals keep getting subpoenaed by Rugged Robert Mueller and his crew. His buddy/alleged Wikileaks backchannel hookup Randy Credico got a shiny new subpoena, while former aide Andrew Miller is now in contempt of court for skipping out on his older, now-actually-sorta-moldy subpoena.
If you've got a cat, Rog...she's getting called before that grand jury. If you ever let the litter box sit for an extra day or two? Look out.
Best TeleFascist Person Laura Ingraham went full white supremacist the other night. She's finally free to be her true self. Maybe some day she'll pen a life-affirming memoir, “Eat, Pray, Hate” about letting her hair down and just burning crosses in whatever lawn she goshdarn well felt like burning a cross in! It'll be a trendy beach read for the Daily Stormer set.
Of course, now she's trying to walk her shit back, because she wants to find that sweet spot where she can be the public face of ethnic cleansing, but still get paid, so fuck her forever.
Vice-Best Person Mike Pants gave a little speech where he pretended SPAAAAAAACE FOOOOOOOORCE would be a real thing that happened, and that they'd have it ready by 2020 for 8 billion dollars.
Folks.
The last aircraft carrier cost 13 billion dollars. The dipshits who couldn't find the fucking light switches for weeks think they can start an entire branch of the military in two years for basically no money.
Well, maybe Space Mexico will pay for it. Just know that there is absolutely zero chance that this week passed without the President of the United States making pew pew pew noises while banging toy spaceships together in the Oval Office.
Big congrats go out to the Best Wife Person (For Now But You're Getting Older So Tick-Tock, Melania) whose parents became American citizens, after coming to the U.S. via “chain migration,” a process that is horrible when utilized by brown-skinned people, but somehow magically awesome for white folks, sort of like jazz in reverse.
Best Enabling CongressPerson Devin Nunes’ heart skipped a beat when he saw the headlines about a “leaked Devin Nunes recording," but don't worry D, your extensive collection of porcine porno is safe for now.
Nah, this recording is the one where you confess to treasonous obstruction of justice, not the one where you fuck that animatronic Babe replica you had built in every existing orifice plus a couple you made yourself.
Best Cuck Person Ted Cruz has so little remaining dignity (and so much fear of Beto O'Rourke) that he's begging the man who insulted his wife and father to come to his rescue on the campaign trail. It's a testament to how completely, perfectly, dislikable Ted is, that reading this doesn't make you feel even the slightest bit sorry for him.
Best “Democracy?!? Do we HAVE to?” Person KKKris KKKobach is in a too-close-to-call race for the Republican nomination to maybe be Governor of Kansas, and somehow thought it was appropriate to use his position as Kansas Secretary of State to oversee the recount of his own fucking election. “What?” whined KKKobach, “I just want to make sure all the white people get 1.5 votes, like in the Constitution!”
Shower Cap has obtained an advance copy of Former Best Person Omarosa's forthcoming slam book, and golly gosh, it's full of all sorts of unverifiable gossip! Omarosa says, and you're NEVER gonna believe this, but...the President is a racist fellow who says racist things because of his racism GASP AND ALSO POSSIBLE FAINTING.
One time Omarosa walked into the Oval Office, and Wee Don was sitting there at the Resolute Desk holding a live ferret and he had his mouth on the ferret's butthole because he was trying to play it like a recorder. OR SO SHE CLAIMS.
Best (Klans)Person Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III shonuff is one eagah lil’ fellah when it comes to bringin’ th’ jackbooted heel of the federal guvmint down on th’ necks of anyone who happens t'wander into his jurisdiction without the whitest of skin, isn't he?
Seems a woman and her daughter, fleeing gang violence and applying for asylum in the United States, had been granted a hearing to appeal their deportation, but Ol’ Beau just loves deportin’ so much, he went an’ deported ‘em anyhow! “Sometimes ah just get so excited 'bout makin’ Americuh all nice n’ whaaaaayyte again, ah get ahead of muhself,” blushed AG Sessions, “But we still have laws I haveta obey. For now.”
Of course, the REAL Best People are the slobbering, brainwashed, hate-blind, lock-her-up-screeching lunatics of the BASE, and as they devolve from Deplorable into QAnon-spewing drones, you can't help but wonder how much further they can sink. Anyway, a poll of these human urinal cakes shows about half of them want to give their Turd Emperor the power to waterboard Jim Acosta for asking him questions like some sort of JOURNALIST.
Jesus.
Some of these folks are just waiting for the text message alert that Kristallnacht 2.0 is a GO.
Wooooooooo...what a flock of assholes, right?
I know that keeping up with the news, day after day, can be a fucking downer, friends. Bad people doin’ bad shit. And they seem to be getting away with everything.
But today is not the last day and things will not always be the way the way are right now. So I'd like to leave you on a bit of an up note after the sixty miles of shit I just made you wade through. Because the truth is, these days I'm too inspired to feel down for very long.
What inspires me? Well, getting the new Action Guide page up for the blog site, I've spent a lot of time getting to know the Democratic Party's candidates for the House and Senate, and folks...they are an impressive lot. We're closer than ever to taking our country back. We've got the right team to do it. Why don't you take a little time to get to know these people, pick out a few to pitch in and help?
(What action guide? THIS ONE: http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)
Didja see what happened in Ohio on Tuesday night? We turned what shoulda been a safe Republican cakewalk into a bare-knuckle brawl. We nominated strong candidates for November, from Washington to Kansas. We beat anti-union legislation in Missouri. The only reason we're not winning every day is, we don't get the opportunity to take the field every day. When elections are there for us to win, we're winning them.
And you know who else inspires me? All the players of the NFL who stared down Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's ongoing attempts to use the full force of his pulpit to squash and slander their speech, and said “Some other time, fuckface.”
Think of the courage it takes to stand up to a President doing all he can to train the racist hatred of his shitbag base right on your head. Just think of it.
Every so often you read a piece where somebody wonders if the Resistance has the staying power to outlast Trump, or if we'll get ground down by “outrage fatigue,” whatever the fuck that's supposed to be. I know plenty of people who are tired...I don't know anybody who's given up.
And I've met so many new fighters since I started this blog. And it's been a goddamn pleasure getting to know you.
PS - Remember Peter Smith? He popped up in the news tonight while I was writing. You read it, I'm fuckin’ drunk.
*Beer
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 629
