TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalFrom Howard Schultz to Roger Stone, Good Gravy Today's News Was Dumb (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, the government is all nice and reopened, and it looks like smooth sailing from here on out! Why, I bet everything calms down now, and we can go right back to the good ol’ days, when things were so normal and quiet, you didn't even pay attention to the news most of time. Or maybe we're are still locked in the funhouse with a bunch of Klansmen jacked up on bath salts and hate speech. Let's find out...
(As always, this post is available on my humble blog site, with all those kewl news links you know and love: http://showercapblog.com/from-howard-schultz-to-roger-stone-good-gravy-todays-news-was-dumb/)
Well, the government is merrily humming along exactly the way it's supposed to, with Border Patrol agents frantically searching for any shred of evidence, however flimsy, to back up President Crotchrot's creepy, racist, entirely fabricated, BDSM fantasy about human traffickers gagging women with tape at the southern border. I guess we should count ourselves lucky that the doddering old twit's lies stay basically within the realm of realism; if he ever suddenly proclaimed that griffins are real, you'd have Betsy DeVos ordering her staff to break into zoos to staple wings to the lions.
So, during the shutdown, the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor apparently had a flock of ultra-super-mega-far-right maniacs, including Ginni Thomas, Frank Gaffney and other similarly batpoo-encrusted loons, over to the White House for a pleasant little rant about gay/transgender rights and how there are way too many of them, and even to rail against women serving in the military. He won't listen to generals or scientists or our oldest, most trusted, allies, but the Cuckoo Klux Klan gets an audience. Cool.
So a bunch of journalists got laid off last week, and President Gas Station Urinal Cake celebrated the news like it was his birthday and Mick Mulvaney had just ordered a whole platoon of piss hookers for residence. Cheerleading for unemployment from the Oval Office...I miss having a President who actually liked the American people, y'know?
Good news, everyone! We're saved! Howard Schultz, with an eagle-eyed reading of the public will, understands that what we're really looking for in these tumultuous times is a self-righteous billionaire with all the charisma of melba toast, proposing drastic cuts to entitlement programs, because we all secretly want to retire in poverty and die of treatable diseases.
You may think Schultz doesn't have much of a constituency, but if you ever worked for Starbucks for even a day, I suggest you check the fine print on your contract...that's right, you may've enjoyed health insurance coverage for part time work in your 20's, but now you've been drafted into Howard's army, motherfucker! Rest up, we're marching on the capitol at dawn! Hope you saved that free weekly bag of coffee, because that's your whole field ration, son.
Desperate to claw back the fleeting esteem of his dirtbag base in the wake of his recent cucking at the hands of Speaker Pelosi, Strawberry Shartcake pathetically lobbed out a pandering little tweet advocating for “Bible literacy classes” in public schools, because he had just seen something about them on the magical teevee box, and that is how Presidential policy initiatives get launched nowadays, how fun.
Maybe that's also why his company finally got around to firing the undocumented workers at his tacky-ass New York golf club. "See? See you guys? I can still hurt brown people! Can I get a ‘lock her up,’ for old time's sake? Guys?” Of course, Eric's just turning right around to hire a new batch of foreign guest workers at his winery, but maybe the America First crowd will be content if America stays in the top 10-or-so.
Hey, look, the Big Dumb Shartdown cost the economy $11 billion! With $3 billion pissed completely away, never to be recovered! Once, when I was a kid, I threw a tantrum, and broke one of my mom's favorite lamps. I got grounded for like, a whole month. All I'm saying is, there should be consequences for a multi-billion-dollar ego-driven shitfit. No taxpayer-funded golf vacations for six months, mister! (Also, impeachment, and then prison.)
Meanwhile, Oleg Deripaska finally got that sweet, sweet, sanctions relief he'd been angling for. Because taint-punting the American economy while simultaneously paying off a Putin-connected oligarch is exactly the sort of thing you do when you're totally not a Russian asset, right?
Word is, Donnie Dotard is shaking his tiny, inadequate, fists in rage at former staffer Cliff Sims, partially out of envy that he can read and write at a high school level, and partially because he put those skills to use writing a saucy tell-all memoir of his time inside the Clown Car Full of Rectums men call “The Trump Administration.” The book is full of all kinds of embarrassing shit, including a section that reveals Littlefinger prefers playing Shart House “tour guide” to doing his dumb ol' real job. Apparently he likes to waddle around, making Bill-n'-Monica jokes, pointed out all the historic chairs he's farted in.
And Perpetually Enraged Beach Bum Chris Christie has a book of his own, full of digs at Team Treasonweasel for being 2 Dumb 2 Collude, taking special time to laugh Nepotism’s Most Perfect Cautionary Tale, Jared Kushner, for believing he'd triumphed over the Russia scandal simply by firing Mike Flynn.
We've actually seen quite a bumper crop of articles lately on young Jar-Jar's comically undeserved sense of self-regard, and its recent hilarious collisions with reality. The kid really seems to have believed he'd worked that Ol’ Kushner Magic on congressional Democrats, hoodwinking them into supporting Boss Turdmaggot's Big Stupid Wall, and was shocked when they didn't. Despite these very public, very costly, failures, expect the kid to continue taking point on pretty much everything going forward, because learning from your mistakes is for CUCKS.
On the one hand, I think it's pretty hilarious that the President's most trusted advisor is incapable of reading the political landscape as well as I, a drunken moron in a luchador mask and superhero bathrobe, can. On the other hand, it's positively terrifying that the President's most trusted advisor is incapable of reading the political landscape as well as I, a drunken moron in a luchador mask and superhero bathrobe, can.
I'm starting to think maybe Roger Stone slept through civics class, as he seems to be under the impression that a series of weird, jaggy, media appearances will deliver him from the rather serious legal jeopardy he faces. Still, the freshly-indicted Ratfucker Prince wanders the streets, bloviating at any camera foolish enough to come too near, insisting he's been treated even worse than Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, of course, famously whined that he wasn't allowed to don his full Jack Skellington cosplay outfit before all those Navy SEALs shot him to death.
A new study shows that the only significant legislative accomplishment of the entire Shiteweasel Administration, the scam tax bill, failed to produce the economic stimulus that Republicans promised. Me, I think this an unfair metric. The bill did EXACTLY what it was always intended to do: distribute the fruits of recent growth upward to the GOP donor class. Is it really fair to hold these fucks accountable for the empty, insincere, rhetoric that they never even meant? The sneering lies they chuckled while telling, seeking just enough cover to dupe the rubes as they loaded up the getaway car and drove away? Be reasonable.
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip could barely conceal its visibly-secreting endorphins as it discussed the possibility of a military intervention in Venezuela. “Look, I didn't join this administration to sit around, waiting for wars to start themselves! I travelled here from beyond the stars to murder me some humans, and that's what I intend to...I've said too much,” muttered the Murderstache, before skittering away, Bolton in tow.
Hot Tub SpokesGoon/Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker claims the Mueller investigation is just about ready to wrap things up and head over to Chili's for margaritas and wings. I think it'd kinda cute that this cud-brained partisan hack imagines Bodacious Bob lets him in on anything important, rather than simply sending him on his way with a pat on the head and a lollipop.
And now that the government is open again, and people are getting paid, Nancy Pelosi called up the President to say, “Very well, Little Man Shart. You may have your State of the Union speech now,” and Wee Don said, “Oh thank you Miz Nancy, please don't hurt me anymore,” and Pelosi said “Well, we're fitting you with a shock collar that goes off every time you lie, so we figure you'll get about six minutes in before you pass out.”
‘Tis the season for rescheduling, it would seem, as the Fascist Farthuffer's Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, has agreed to testify before the House Intelligence Committee, now chaired by Adam "Hey, Let's Do Our Jobs For a Change" Schiff, though the session will be behind closed doors. Expect Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes to take advantage of the privacy by selectively leaking Cohen's testimony, or who knows, maybe even straight up trying to murder him?
Anyway, in spite of his approval ratings being sent directly to jail without passing go or collecting $200, Government Cheese Goebbels has somehow convinced himself that he's winning, that America's love for the Big Dumb Wall is matched only by their adoration for their Turd Emperor himself, and that threatening another shutdown is a good idea. It's like burning your hand on a stove, and then immediately tea-bagging the very same stove.
Or maybe he'll just declare a state of emergency, at some non-specific point in the future, after he's exhausted all other avenues. That isn't how emergencies work, old man. If you can schedule it, it can't be an emergency. I know words are hard for you.
Well, I hope I survive the week to blog again, my friends. Word is, it's getting mighty dang cold up here in Chicago. Don't worry though, I have plenty of supplies* to see me through the worst of it.
*Beer
Pelosi's New Seminar: How to Make the American President Your Own Personal Property in 5 Easy Steps
Mad with laughter and completely fucked up on pure, uncut, schadenfreude, it's a miracle I managed to get a post up tonight. Seriously, I've been cackling so hard it's difficult to type. Watching a wannabe dictator shipwreck on the shores of his own petulance turns out to be rather intoxicating.
(And yeah, if you want this post with all those handy lil’ links, click on over here: http://showercapblog.com/sign-up-for-nancy-pelosis-new-seminar-how-to-make-the-american-president-your-own-personal-property-in-five-easy-steps/)
You may have missed this little story, of Little Donnie Dotard begging NASA to reach Mars before 2020 so that he would look cool, because he understands concepts of space and time and engineering and budgeting about as well as he comprehends the mechanism of the nigh-miraculous umbrella. You may consider this story sort of a Laughing at President Dumbass appetizer; there are many more courses awaiting you in this blog. Get yourself some sorbet, is what I'm telling you.
Since we last spoke, my friends, the Shart of the Deal has been a veritable whirlwind of negotiation, demonstrating the deal-making prowess he's so famous for. Conman Don figured he'd made a clever move in calling Nancy Pelosi's bluff on cancelling the State of the Union until he opened the damn government, but he hardly had time to extend his tiny, inadequate, hand for a high-five when the Speaker shot back with a formal un-invitation, on official stationary and everything.
“You're welcome to deliver your speech straight into my burning asshole, little man, but the floor of the House will be closed,” proclaimed Queen Nancy, and Shart Garfunkel responded by summoning the full force of his manly, dominating, might and...completely capitulating. Which, it turns out, would be useful practice for later.
The Fascist Farthuffer's Former Fixer, Michael Cohen, backed out of his planned testimony before Congress, citing threats from the President and his newer, much-more-incest-prone fixer, Rudy Giuliani, which is half “Aw dang, I can't believe my favorite show got cancelled,” and half “Oh, so I guess we live in a third world dictatorship now.” Anyway, the Sensei of Sez-Hoo has already been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, so we'll get his testimony soon enough, and for Mike, I'm sure that'll be a nice break from jail.
So, something is going on in Venezuela. I haven't done the reading, so I don't know the ins and outs enough to process it, let alone say anything clever. Anyway, I'll try to get back to it, but if this paragraph is still in the blog when you read it, well, I guess that means I didn't.
Look, I know what everybody's here for tonight, but before we dive into this big beautiful pool full of MAGAt tears, let's take time to check in on some state-level GOP fuckery, if only to remind ourselves that the fight is never-ending, and the enemy remains as ass-backwardly awful as ever.
Utah Republicans are considering a shockingly dehumanizing anti-transgender bill. New Ohio Governor Mike DeWine announced that's he's positively horny to roll back reproductive rights in his state. And the Turdworm Administration just granted a waiver to South Carolina foster care agencies to discriminate their hateful little hearts out so long as they wink and say they're only hating the people God tells them to hate.
You can't take your eyes off these bastards for a minute, is what I'm saying. Next thing you know, they'll be filling important state-level appointments with creepy weirdos who like to dress up in mega-racist Halloween costumes, blackface and all, like...oh wait, that already happened. In Florida, naturally.
So, a gossipy new tell-all from a former Drumpf staffer alleges that Kellyanne Conway has actually been leakiest pimple on the President's ass this whole time, and after two years of his panicked crusade against leakers, she's still there, right under his nose, and I know we're laughing at the President for many much larger reasons today, but spare at least a chuckle or a snort for that amusing little tidbit; the doddering old fool really can't do one single thing right.
Take, for example, the ongoing bungling of shutdown messaging! The official, tightly-coordinated Shart House comms strategy has been “Marie Antoinette, only with more sneering and less charm.”
First came Lara Trump, who cheerfully suggested that the hundred of thousands of federal workers going without pay for a month were merely experiencing a “little bit of pain” in not being able to pay their bills or feed their families, and anyway that's an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny price to pay for Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants and That Won't Work Anyway! Truly, I have never seen such populism!
As Bad-Auditions-Episode-of-American-Idol tone deaf as Lara's comments were, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross burst into the room, shouting, “Hold my vodka-spiked Ovaltine.” Wilbur doesn't understand why the peasants don't just take out loans to cover expenses during their time as unwilling pawns in service of a racist goon's ego-driven temper tantrum. “Everybody knows peanut butter sandwiches and tomato soup just taste better when you know you'll be paying 9% interest in a month!” he croaked, before retreating to his home inside an old rotted-out tree stump, to sit upon the pile of coins and baubles he confiscated from the travelers he's murdered.
And President Crotchvoid himself weighed in, suggesting all you struggling families need not worry, just take a stroll on down to Old Man Johnson's corner store, and tell him to put your groceries on your tab for another week or so, a proposition that will certainly be met with a grandfatherly smile rather than a call to the police. Why, perhaps he'll even give junior a penny's worth of candy floss to keep his spirits up as he goes without supper for a few days.
Anyway, some genius looked out at the mess the President and his surrogates were making, and said “This looks like a job for LARRY FUCKIN’ KUDLOW!” Lar-Dawg suggested that furloughed employees were happily “volunteering” to work without pay out of feverish devotion to their Turd Emperor. “Why, they'll probably refuse all future paychecks, insisting their salaries be transferred directly to the wall fund, such is their love and dedication!” Bill Shine is certainly doing a crackerjack job as Communications Director.
Speaking of rewarding failure, looks like Ronna NotRomey McDaniel won a second term as RNC chair, because dammit, you shouldn't leave a job unfinished when there are still so many congressional seats left to lose! Seems to me a little bit like slapping a fresh coat of paint the Maginot Line, but hey, I certainly support the continuation of any and all further blue-wave-enabling activites, wheresoever they may manifest.
Authorities are searching for Colorado Senator Michael Bennet, wanted for questioning in the murder of Ted Cruz on the Senate floor Thursday. See, Senator Shitbeard pulled out his best phony preacher voice to disingenuously whinge about the Democrats’ responsibility for the shutdown, and Bennet rose up, a veritable God of Oh Hell No, to remind Cruz of that time Ted Cruz shut down the whole government just to fluff his own presidential ambitions. Teddy barely had time to whimper, “Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good,” before disintegrating into nothingness.
After a pair of failed votes to re-open the goddamn government, the Senate Republithug Caucus retreated to a private meeting with Vice President Mike Pants that quickly devolved into childish slap-fighting over who was to blame for their current predicament, until Glinda the Good Witch floated in on a bubble to proclaim, “Silly Assclowns! You are ALL turd-gargling sycophants, and equally at fault!” and a valuable lesson was learned by precisely no one.
This week we learned that when young Jared Kushner held out his trick-or-treat sack, asking for a high-level security clearance, career security specialists looked at him and said, “That would be a New-Coke-level shitty decision, lil’ fellah. Hell to tha no.” but they were overruled by a political appointee and so now he gets to sell America's deepest secrets to the Saudis for fun n’ profit. Oh, and there have been at least 30 such instances, of experts getting overruled to grant clearances to various shitweasels in this pack of cheap grifters. Now, this story has kind of faded into the background amidst the week's sexxxier news, but it's pretty damn important, so don't forget about it, okay?
If you're reading this, you probably didn't get arrested by the FBI this morning, and that is a key distinction between your life and Roger Stone’s. Yes, the long arm of the law has finally caught up to the Ratfucking Ghoul who's been making this country shitty since before I was even born. The bad news is, if you can posture and troll your way out of serious legal jeopardy, Stone is sure to walk free. The good news is...you can't.
Anyway, Roger's so toxic now he's been disavowed by the Wandering Ghost of Richard Nixon, and as the case for collusion becomes clearer, suddenly Julian Assange is treating the Ecuadorian embassy staff with a newfound courtesy. Drip drip, motherfuckers.
Taking a quick detour to the 2020 Dem presidential race, Richard Ojeda dropped out, dealing a significant blow to the entertainment value of the primary debates, and it turns out Beto O'Rourke is a Satan-worshipper, which pundits believe will play well in Super Tuesday states.
And of course Shartdown-related headlines continued their predictable trajectory through “Breadlines? In America? Really?” to the practically apocalyptic, with stories of unpaid NASA employees being asked to take breaks from the relatively trivial work of keeping the astronauts on the International Space Station alive to scrub toilets, and of furloughed national park rangers dueling to death over the precious meat in a raccoon corpse. I may have made one of those up.
The last straw seems to have been the massive delays at the nation's airports, as the FAA announced they were down to a single air traffic controller named Wes who was doing an 8-ball every three hours to stay awake and that probably wasn't going to be a sustainable system. Something had to give.
Finally, The Hairplug That Ate Decency called up Nancy Pelosi to plead, “Madame Speaker, I require your aid in removing my boot from atop my own dick. You can have whatever you want. You can have your bill to re-open the government with no wall funding. You can have Eric. Just please please please rescue me from this hole I have dug with my sad little baby hands!” and Nancy said “Nice try, I'm not taking Eric,” and Don said “Dammit, well, I had to try, anyway I've got to slink out and debase myself in front of the entire world now, I'll send a messenger over later with my testes.”
And so the government will re-open at last. The FBI agents who arrested Roger Stone will get paid, millions of Americans can stop worrying and suffering, I'll finally get my damn tax refund, and President Gas Station Urinal Cake has nothing to show for it except for a shiny new expansion to the gap in his approval ratings.
But there was no joy in MAGAville as Weehands McNodick struck out, only confusion, and anger, because somehow Cult45 still believes that this sad, sorry, little man, who radiates insecurity so discernibly that it can be seen from outer space, is “strong.” Ann Coulter seems particularly upset, because she thought she'd finally set America on a track where she'd be able to own slaves in a few years, but now it's all falling apart.
And so Captain Caveman retreats to the Residence, to fume over what's certain to be a full weekend of unceasing coverage of his complete and utter cucking. As smarter folks than I have pointed out, this kind of humiliation is the very worst thing in the world to a narcissist. And because he is very, very, very, stupid, he's threatening to start this whole shitshow over again in three weeks. Some people just can't get enough losing, I guess.
Meanwhile, Speaker Pelosi has problems of her own. She has to have new pet fitted for a collar, and of course there's no way he's potty trained.
Well, that should last you though the weekend, Shower Captives. If I missed anything, forgive me, it's only because I was having so much fun watching every human being on Earth dunk on Little Donnie Two-Scoops.
Moved by the Spirit of MLK Day, President Trump Finally Embraces Love, Equality and HA HA KIDDING
Well, with the long weekend, there was significantly less madness than unusual, so perhaps HA HA HA JUST KIDDING WE LIVE IN HELL AND IT NEVER EVER STOPS. So why not grab a machete and hack through these weeds with me?
(As is customary, this post can be found, with all those links you know and love, on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/moved-by-the-spirit-of-mlk-day-president-trump-finally-embraces-love-equality-and-ha-ha-just-kidding-this-is-hell/)
You'll be pleased to learn that our President, who doesn't understand how tariffs work, who doesn't understand how NATO works, who famously lost a battle of wits with an open umbrella, seems to be under the impression that there's a wall around San Antonio, and it's more popular there than the Spurs. Why make it so you have to be at least 35 years old to run for President, if you're just going to elect someone who's dumber than a 5th grader?
More good news, as the Marmalade Shartcannon and his party are hard at work, developing a new policy that will bring hundreds of millions of dollars worth of benefits to the American people. Wait, did I say, “the American people?” Because I meant, “Russian oligarch Oleg V. Deripaska.” Much like the President, I often get the two confused. Which one is his employer again?
The conservative movement has a new Patron Saint of Whinging Victimhood, and it's a whole gaggle of shitty teenagers! So, these shitty little boys took a weekend field trip to protest against a woman's right to bodily autonomy, and decided, "hey, as shitty as that is, I bet we can find a way to be shittier.” And boy howdy, did they ever.
You've seen the videos by now, of the little dirtbags mocking Native American protesters. Somehow, one short day and one large check to a PR firm later, the same little dirtbags are martyrs on the alter of a dishonest, malicious, world that criticized them for...shitbag behavior that anyone with two eyes can see. The white privilege is so thick here, you could cut it with a plastic knife from Chick fil-A.
Boys will boys, I guess. Meaning boys will mock minorities. And boys will make rape jokes at passing girls. Fortunately, they'll be facing the consequences of their actions, when they get to give televised interviews to repeat the bullshit lies that they were actually “praying.” That Gillette commercial came a bit late, don'tcha think?
Anyway, we'll be picking teams for the next Civil War according to reactions to this incident, so please have your own personal thinkpiece filed with Salon by Friday at 5:00.
Plus, the one smirking jag kid has been nominated for a vacancy on the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Ok, that's a bit silly, but these little brats did potentially score an invite to the White House. Cool. Wonder if they'll wear blackface for the trip.
I've honestly lost track of where we last left Visibly-Decomposing-From-the-Mouth-Outwards Treasonlaywer Rudy Giuliani...was he belching up some ridiculous lie, or walking it back? It's an old cycle by now, constant and reliable as the fucking tide. Apparently Rudy's worried about his long-since-shredded reputation, whining that his gravestone may read “He lied for Trump.” And I don't think that's fair, either. It should say, “He lied for Trump, and also he fucked his cousin, for he was a lying cousin-fucker.”
Hairplug Himmler silenced once and for all the critics who accuse him of racism, by visiting the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial with Mike Pants. The President’s vigil lasted nearly the length of an entire Clash song, before he returned to the important work of Watching TV All Day, muttering something about there being “very fine people on both sides" of the King assassination as he waddled back to the motorcade.
Mikey Hairshirt had earlier attempted to make the case that Government Cheese Goebbels and MLK are basically the same person because, “they both...um...eat food and...errrr...this is trickier than I thought...both were frequently photographed wearing shoes and...hey, I have to pee. Bye!”
Possibly the least shocking news of the week reveals that somebody is doctoring photos of Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to make him look thinner, and yes, they really are altering images to make his wee lil’ fingers longer. Orwell for Shitheads.
Doesn't that make you want to look at the Shart House organizational flow chart? “Ok, Kirstjen, you're in change of the kiddie concentration camps, Sarah, you take care of the finger-lengthening, and on the opioid crisis, how abooooouuuuut....nobody. Yeah, let's put nobody on that. But I want those phalanges stretched ten minutes ago, dammit!”
As the financial problems pile up for furloughed workers, as increasingly-dire consequences for the American economy draw ever nearer, as his public opinion pummeling risks leaving bruises even his hilarious balloon man pants won't be able to conceal, Pissant Pol Pot has actually increased his ask for re-opening the government. Yes, Shithead's “compromise” bill demands not only billions in wall money, but a total reworking of the nation's asylum laws, practically a direct transcription of Stephen Miller's scrotum tattoo. Unbelievable.
He truly is...the Shart of the Deal. I imagine after this gambit fails, he'll offer a bill that replaces food stamps with vouchers for Trump Steaks and deports everyone working for the Mueller investigation.
Speaking of Bodacious Bob, we learned a few intriguing details about the Mystery Company That Really Does Not Want to Honor Bob's Subpoena; they are not-just-partially-but-wholly owned by a foreign government, and they are getting their colluding corporate keisters kicked in court. They're being fined $50,000 every day they refuse to turn over documents, and folks, that'll buy a lot of borscht. Or some culturally equivalent dish. But probably borscht.
Who else is the Bobadook sneaking up on these days? Why, the murderous taintnibblers of the National Rifle Association, that's who! I try not to get my hopes up over these rumors, but Mr. Mueller, if you're reading this blog,* please please please please please take those death merchants down a few pegs, over laundering Rubles or anything else you might dig up. I haven't wanted anything this badly since puberty.
Also, the Supreme Court gave the Valor Thief in Chief the go-ahead to enforce his hateful ban on transgender troops in the military while the issue is resolved in the courts. I hope Jill Stein voters are feeling really good tonight about their role as accessories to Mitch McConnell’s heist of that SCOTUS seat. Hey, I get it, your pride matters more to you than the safety and humanity of your transgender countryfolk. You're the REAL progressives.
So I guess the Drumpf Administration is looking to arbitrarily relabel “high-level radioactive waste” as “low-level radioactive waste,” not in response to any new scientific findings, but because doing so will make it cheaper to clean up. Yeah, nuclear waste disposal seems like a sensible place to cut corners. The last thing this shitstorm needs is gangs of irradiated mutants, roving the west...now that I think about it, maybe this is why Ryan Zinke finally resigned. (This story is a few weeks old, but I missed it, so it's new to me, dammit!)
Looks like Littlefinger has pretty much cancelled White House press briefings, because of all the bullying Sarah Slanders endures at the hands of those mean ol’ fact-checkers. Still, this action is not without consequences; adrift and listless, the Uncredible Huck has purchased a tank full of fish for her office, which she lies to all day long, just to fill the void.
I see the House passed a bill confirming America's support for NATO, because that's the kind of thing the House has to do nowadays. One of the fun parts of January 2021 will be passing all sorts of laws we never thought we needed before. “Ok, I guess it should be illegal to swap sanctions relief for trademarks for your daughter's shitty jewelry business, wonder why James Madison never thought of that one.”
Meanwhile, the Shartdown is increasingly hamstringing the FBI's ability to, y'know, enforce the law, affecting everything from counterterrorism operations to, ironically, battling Donnie Dotard's favorite demon, MS-13. Me, I'm just disappointed in myself for lacking the foresight to plan any crimes during this period of self-inflicted chaos. I could've broken in the Art Institute, Mission-Impossible-style, and stolen one of those cute little miniature rooms I like so much.
Anyhow, Mitch McConnell has set up a little legislative theatre for Thursday, because watching old dudes fiddle with themselves on C-Span is clearly more important than actually solving the problem that's within his power to solve. Condolences to everybody working without a paycheck, Yertle has some very important posturing to get to before your concerns can be addressed.
See? Long holiday weekend, hardly any madness at all. Now if you'd be so kinda as to loosen the straps on my straightjacket...
*The Special Counsel's affection for a well-crafted poo joke is widely documented, of course.
Placid Pelosi Plucks Petulant President's Pulpit...Perfection! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Folks, at this point, I'd really love it if a bunch of orderlies burst through the door, tied me to a hospital bed, and administered shock therapy, because that might mean that I'm locked up in an asylum in a bad 50's movie, and that none of this is really happening. I'm pretty sure it's all real though, so let's wade through it and get on with our weekends.
(As is customary, this post can be found, with all sorts of helpful links, on my blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/placid-pelosi-plucks-petulant-presidents-pulpit-perfection/)
“You come at the Queen, you best not miss.” This is the lesson President Crotchrot learned this week, as Speaker Pelosi yanked the bully pulpit from his tiny, inadequate, hands, pointing to the “No shirt, no open government, no State of the Union speech” sign in the Speaker's office. “Oh, you want a captive prime time audience so you can spin and lie and blame Democrats for your shutdown? Instead of that, how would you like a big fat plate of my shit?” More on this later.
Well, you've finally done it. You've gone and pissed Mike Pants off. The Vice President’s hairshirt is halfway up his ass because folks're criticizing Mother for taking a job at a school that prohibits LGBTQ students or staff, or to put it in plain English, a fucking bigoted school. Like all religious fanatics, Mr. Pants furiously insists that his own personal prejudices be granted the protections of "religious liberty." As for the rights of those the school discriminates against, he growled, "The little deviants should count themselves lucky we don't throw them in fucking camps!” Or at least you know he really really really wanted to.
It was actually a banner week for ol’ Number Two, as he took a page from George W. Bush's (coloring) book, proclaiming MISSION ACCOMPLISHED in Syria just as ISIS claimed responsibility for an attack that killed four Americans. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.
An inspector general's report says the General Services Administration ignored the Constitution in allowing Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot to continue leasing the post office he uses for his tacky-ass Washington, D.C. hotel. So, this “Constitution” thing...are we still doing that? Is the rule of law still a thing? I'm really asking, by the way.
Lordy, somebody put The Goalposts on the missing persons list; they were last seen getting shoved into an unmarked van by Noticably Decomposing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani. Where they are now, nobody knows. Rudy's steady, gradual, progression from “Donald Trump is as the most innocent newborn babe, pure as the driven snow” to “Ok, so he was surrounded by crooks and traitors but he was too busy cheating on his wife to commit any crimes himself,” has been, I confess, awfully amusing to watch.
With Steve King's shocking racism, which nobody knew about ‘til two weeks ago, vanquished at last, the GOP marched boldly forward, free from the chains of bigotry that once held them down. Except for Congressjag Jason Smith, who screeched “GO BACK TO PUERTO RICO” at Congressman Tony Cárdenas, on the floor of the House, which, now that I think about it, is maybe sorta racist.
You probably hadn't heard of Jason Smith before this. This is a perfect example of Shower Cap's 7th Principle of Conservative Politics: Whenever you hear a rank-and-file Republican Congressman's name for the first time, it's because he did something criminal or hateful or in direct contradiction to his own loudly-professed morals, or any combination of the preceding.
Anyway, we were discussing how Extremely Not Racist the post-Steve King Republican Party is. Congressdopes Andy Harris and Phil Roe brought Holocaust-denying Internet Troll Chuck Johnson to Capitol Hill for a meeting, and also to show off their Not Steve King cred, cuz only super un-racist dudes hang out with known white supremacists, “to discuss genetic testing and DNA.” Oh, you hadn't heard of either Harris or Roe? Consult Cap's 7th Principle.
Don't worry though, Steve, the “religious” right has your back! Yes, several of the most prominent fake Christians in America banded together to demand King be reinstated to his committees, because while most folks have enough basic human decency to understand that a guy who hangs out with Nazis is not a good guy, that bar is still somehow too high for these pompous, perpetually-moralizing, goons to clear.
Anyhow, Government Cheese Goebbels himself surely cleared up the whole “racism” misunderstanding once and for all, with the revelation that he fought to deny Puerto Rico access to any disaster relief funding at all in the wake of Hurricane Maria, and that's so fucking evil I won't make a joke about it. I am very tired, my friends, of seeing the powers of our federal government weaponized by hateful men to hurt the vulnerable.
That's not really fair of me, I know. I need to be inclusive. It's wrong to ignore the hateful women who are also hurting people. So let's talk about Kirstjen Nielsen, who's spent the last few months of her life implementing and lying about the Pigshit Administration's abominable child separation policy. Turns out, these fucks separated thousands more children from their families than we knew about, and they were doing it for months before they announced the policy to public.
Fortunately, Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley is on the case, calling on the FBI to investigate Secretary Nielsen for lying about this atrocity she's been committing in our name. I hope it happens. I know lying to Congress is the hip new trend with these fucks, but it's still a federal crime.
Well, we've uncovered possibly the most pathetic aspect of the massive criminal enterprise that landed the Individual Wonder in the Oval Office; a scheme to rig online polls in his favor. Online polls. One of them was on the Drudge Report, for fuck's sake....can you imagine spending money (or boxing gloves, even) to fix a fucking Drudge poll? I'm starting to understand why this dolt needed his daddy to bail him out so many times.
A federal judge administered a much-deserved spanking to Scott Walker over his not-just-lame-but-truly-pathetic-duck session attack on voting rights, leading Wisconsin Republicans to retreat to their underground lair to plot fresh new attacks on democracy, and also to brainstorm proposals on how to get rid of Dick Tracy.
Ex-U.S. Senator/Prostitute Aficionado David Vitter, whose career in electoral politics was utterly obliterated by my all-time favorite political ad, has found a new career, as a paid Russian agent (or “lobbyist” if you're feeling generous), working on behalf of sanctioned Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska. Who says there are no second acts in American lives?
Anyhow, we're still stuck in the Big Dumb Government Shartdown, because a certain fuckhead backed himself into a corner and can't find his way out. But whatever the Shart of the Deal lacks in negotiating skill, he more than makes up for in childlike petulance, and he figured the best available move was to cancel a Congressional trip to Belgium and Afghanistan, headed by Speaker Pelosi herself.
Did this act interfere with Congress’ duty to oversee our foreign wars? Yep. Did it endanger lives, because of course these trips are kept secret for security reasons? Of course! But Il Douche sure did own the libs, didn't he? DIDN'T HE?
...oh wait, actually he just made sure Pelosi stayed in town to keep on hammering him as his poll numbers keep on falling amidst his unpopular showdown. If this were a fable, he'd realize “In owning the libs, I succeeded only in owning myself,” and congratulate himself on a hard-learned lesson, but this isn't a fable, and he is incapable of any form of learning.
I guess the entire rationale behind the shutdown at this point is an anonymous quote in a horseshit, fear-mongering, Examiner article from a rancher who says she found a prayer rug on her property, and I'm sure the “prayer rug” turns out to be a Spongebob beach towel, or a Cardinals hoodie, or, y'know, nothing.
Say, I heard something about some big Buzzfeed article last night? I was deeply engrossed in some Tolstoy* at the time, so I haven't gotten to it yet, but it's probably nothing. I mean, what could really be so important at this point? What, did the President order Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, or something? Because that would be news. That would put impeachment on the table. That would actually put impeachment right in the center of the table, displacing whatever creepy-ass centerpiece Melania picked out.
By now you know that this is exactly what the Buzzfeed article says, and that I couldn't come up with a better gag to drop it into this blog. That's okay, you probably need don't any added humor to laugh your ass off at how much trouble Shart-Shart is in now. Nixon trouble. Supporting-character-in-a-Jurassic-Park-movie trouble.
And because every so often life is genuinely perfect, it turns out Senator Amy Klobuchar asked the Adderall-Addled Assclown's Attorney General nominee, William Barr, about just such a scenario, during his confirmation hearing this very week. “Oh yeah, that shit's criminal as fuck, Senator,” said Barr, “You'd have to be a massive fucking idiot, and a giant crook to boot, to try something like that.”
Of course, as I was writing this, news broke of the Mueller office disputing aspects of the article. This is fairly significant, since the Mueller team never comments on anything, even that one time the President referred to the Special Counsel as a “lying poohead.” Well, thanks Bob. We were all only having a little fun. It's like showing up to the birthday party and all the kids are wearing funny hats and shit and then they open the pizza boxes but there's no pizza inside only math homework.
Everybody's trying parse out precisely what the statement means, and I'd offer my two cents, but ultimately, I'm just a schmuck in a bathrobe, so I'll leave this one to the experts.
Desperate for a distraction, Team Treasonweasel announced a second summit with North Korea's Kim Jong-un, because when you're about to get impeached, even being outmaneuvered by a cheap, third-world, dictator in front of the whole planet counts as improved coverage, I guess. In lieu of a challenge coin, the government will be issuing a ceremonial string of anal beads, each depicting an empty promise Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops fell for.
Anyway, looks like the Velveeta Vulgarian has scheduled another televised announcement for tomorrow afternoon. Will it be the long-teased emergency declaration? Nothin’ like a little tyrannical power grab to kick the weekend off right. I wonder if they'll allow tailgating at the gulag.
Alright, that’s all I got for ya, folks. We're expecting some snow up here tonight, so I gotta rush out and stock up on supplies** before it hits. If I missed anything, well, get your own damn news, I'm not a machine, y'know.
*playing MarioKart drunk
**beer
P.S. Getting back to the SotU reverse invite, here's a little bonus content for any Alanis fans out there:
NANCY PELOSI strides to stage, clad in an oversized button-up shirt and leather pants. She sits down at the piano, and begins to sing:
Like anyone would be
I am amused by your struggles dealing with me
Like any left-leaning Speaker
I have concerns for the union and its state
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight
Must be mighty frustrating
To watch your spotlight fade
Must be truly exciting
Spewing hate speech in prime time
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight
Like any other woman with power
I must seem greatly confusing
You're used to Paul Ryan
Capitulating with a smile on his face
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
A quite deliberate slight
I don't think you unworthy
Oh wait I totally do. Eat my shit.
(And then Steny Hoyer straight fuckin’ shreds that solo)
The Bonespur Butthead Bigot's Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...
And yes, like so many posts before it, this one is available on Cap’s humble blog site, with all those news links you know and love: http://showercapblog.com/the-bonespur-butthead-bigots-burger-blunder-and-other-bnews/
Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes says Dorito Mussolini sold $35 million in real estate last year, often to buyers using limited liability companies to remain anonymous. That would've been the single biggest scandal of the entire Obama administration, Sean Hannity would've popped every vein in his forehead in glee that he got to cover it, it's corrupt as fuck, and you'll have forgotten it by the end of this post.
If your New Year's resolution involved giving up schadenfreude, Alex Jones sure is making things hard on you. He just keeps on losing in court, this time a judge granted the discovery request of the Sandy Hook families who're suing his punk ass for, you know, terrorizing them in the wake of the unspeakable tragedy they suffered. Word of advice though: if you're poking around in that nutjob's drawers and closets...wear gloves.
Visibly Deteriorating Cousin Fucker Rudy Giuliani thinks Shart Garfunkel's legal team should get the chance to “correct” any report produced by Bodacious Bob Mueller and his team, which is frankly fucking adorable. Like a suspect telling the D.A. she can show the jury the murder weapon, but only so long as he's allowed to remove all evidence of his DNA from it first.
So, you probably remember a few weeks back when the Senate passed a bill making lynching a federal crime. And I bet it surprised you, to learn that lynching wasn't already a federal crime. Y'know what won't surprise you? Learning that a group of evangelical “Christians” wants to strike language from the bill referencing LGBTQ people. While these folks aren't so good at “following the teachings of the actual Bible” or “basic human decency,” you have to admit they're remarkably consistent.
Every so often, I come across a headline I couldn't possibly hope to improve upon. “Social Security official: Married working mothers hurt society, condoms rob women of “remarkable chemicals” in semen” is one such headline. Moving on.
Speaking of The'Best People, seems Richard Grenell isn't winning friends or influencing people over in Germany. Who could have predicted that making a right-wing troll your ambassador, and letting him meddle in domestic politics would backfire so spectacularly, except for literally everyone?
Tragedy in Griftopia as the plot to crowdfund the Big Stupid Wall was revealed for the cheap con it so obviously always was, with the shady character behind it attempting to divert the proceeds to a “nonprofit” of his own founding. Now, GoFundMe is refunding every idiot, racist, dollar. Disappointed backers can console themselves that at least there'll be a little more spare change in the meth budget this month.
The Shart Administration’s deep commitment to populism was on display when economic adviser Kevin Hassett congratulated all the furloughed federal workers on their unexpected bonanza of vacation time! Yes, it's just like a vacation, Kev, except instead of dropping acid and going on It's a Small World or puking your way through a Napa Valley wine tour, you're making fun decisions about whether to pay your rent or pick up your child’s lifesaving prescription from the pharmacy! More of a staycation, really.
We're generally at a lull in the Shartdown; everybody's seen the stuff on the National Parks closing and the TSA screener furloughs, so those little bits of senseless suffering are old hat by now. To spice things up, why not sample some of the articles on the needless damage yet to come should Tangerine Idi Amin continue holding the nation and its economy hostage to his fragile ego?
Still he spent the weekend roaming the halls of an empty White House, exactly like the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, only none of the furniture could talk and instead of being a basically likable tragic figure, he's a massive asshole loathed all over the world.
Anyway, the House keeps passing bills to open the government, and Mitch McConnell keeps locking ‘em up in his desk, next to his decency and his respect for the Constitution. The good news is, Strawberry Shartcake says he doesn't care what we call the wall! Call it “Peaches,” call it “Herb,” it's all the same to him. But I bet that even if you appropriated 20 billion dollars for the wall on the condition that he had to call it “Donald Trump isn't as wealthy as he claims to be” and paint that phrase on every inch, he'd turn it down.
Hey, didja see that story where the Tangelo-Tinged Treasonweasel keeps doing everything he can to conceal the contents of his private meetings with Vladimir Putin from even his own advisors, up to and including confiscating his interpreter's notes? Wow, that's kinda weird, don'tcha think? Thank God there's no evidence that the Russians worked to install him in power or that he maybe colluded with them to attack American democracy or that he seems to be doing Putin's bidding at every turn, because if any of that happened, I'd have some serious concerns, friends. I might even write my Congressman a sternly-worded letter, under those circumstances.
It's not surprising, but still utterly insane, to see the GOP continue shrugging off every new revelation, however damning. Ted Cruz was seen in an Austin tattoo parlor, getting a tramp stamp that reads “Property of the Guy Who Insulted My Wife and My Dad.” Meanwhile Lindsey Graham gets more and more treasonous by the hour. I half expect him to hijack a nuclear submarine and defect.
Bad news for anyone holding out hope for Sharty McFly to ever receive his comeuppance, as he called into Jeanine Pirro's show to suggest that somebody really oughtta look into Michael Cohen's father-in-law rather than all this collusion and what have you. Bob Mueller, who watches Judge Jeanine religiously, immediately shouted “Pack it in, boys! I want everybody on this Michael Cohen's Father-in-Law guy right this minute! He's clearly the real threat here!” Anyway, you'd think witness tampering would get boring after awhile, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
Speaking of the Bobadook, word on the street* is, he's looking into a meeting attended by Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, Mike "The Turkish Delight" Flynn, and a whole bunch of foreign officials. When Devin got this news, he was so distraught, he couldn't even finish fucking the pig he'd procured for the evening, but he paid her in full because though he is a traitor, he is a gentleman, if only to the pigs he fucks.
The American court system has surely grown tired of winning in their multi-front conflict with the Shart Administration. The attempt to give your employer power to decide whether or not you're allowed to have birth control? Blocked. The malicious plan to turn the census into a tool of fear and oppression via the needless inclusion of a citizenship question? Smacked down. The case seeking to force the President to tie his tie at an appropriate length like a goddamn grown-up is still pending, however.
And President Gas Station Urinal Cake is already lashing out at his shiny new (acting) Chief of Staff, but at least that gave me an excuse to google “You fucked it all up, Mick.” As is customary for advisors who displease the Turd Emperor, Mulvaney was ordered to spend the night in the Rose Garden doghouse, the walls of which contain the fading remnants of an ongoing tic tac toe game between Jeff Sessions and Rex Tillerson.
Suddenly, utterly without precedent and completely out of nowhere, Steve King magically transformed into a racist person, much to the dismay of his political party. The House GOP took action at lightning speed, condemning this never-before-seen-no-not-even-once behavior, stripping King of his committee assignments, and passing a resolution condemning white supremacy (which a desperately floundering King himself hilariously voted for), before getting back to work demanding funds for the mega-racist border wall that he's been fighting for his whole political life.
Fortunately King is an outlier in an otherwise totally racism-free party. Except for this lady, who is, we must admit, a touch on the hateful side. Oh, and that one guy who thought it was a good idea to invoke the Wounded Knee massacre for a “joke” about Elizabeth Warren, who was that again? Oh right, the President.
The Very Fine and Much Less Racist Than Steve King Wink Wink President also attacked the Congressional Hispanic Congress for leading a trip to Puerto Rico for a fundraiser for the victims of Hurricane Maria, still suffering after his Criminally Insufficient Not at All Driven by Racism response. To exacerbate the tension, I'm told no paper towels were thrown at the CHC's event.
Folks, someday I'll be on my death bed, and my mind will have deteriorated to the point where it's all but leaking out my ears, and the very last thing I will remember on this earth will be this thing with Fat Q*Bert, the Clemson Tigers, and the fast food. You know the story by now of course, but a chronicler’s gotta chronicle, so here goes:
Hosting the college football champs in the White House during the shutdown, the Velveeta Vulgarian was faced with a dilemma; how do you feed your guests when your kitchen staff is furloughed? Well, if you're cheap, and you're tacky, and you're also a great big fucking idiot, you just order a bunch of fast food. And then, and this is the true genius stroke, you let it sit out till it gets cold, while you invite reporters to photograph this monument to your titanic stinginess, before feeding everybody nasty-ass room temperature burgers. It's the DonaldTrumpest thing that's ever happened.
Of course he made sure to tell everyone he paid for it his own self with his own money. (Which of course is almost certainly not true. And you know the cheap bastard didn't tip the delivery driver.) What I'll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he'd provided, like a little kid who's just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog's shit.
How old were you when you figured out McDonald's was 100% revolting if you let it sit out? Like, five? You tried it once, and never did it again for the rest of your life. It was probably your very first adult decision.
The Failing New York Times reports that Hairplug Himmler keeps pestering his advisors, “Can we pull out of NATO yet? How about now? How about now?” until John Bolton threatens to turn this car around and go home. Look, just because the President is actively working to undermine the post-WWII international order that's kept the peace for decades and just because that's exactly what Vlad Putin has asked Santa Clause for every year since he was 3 doesn't mean that the President is a Russian asset, but I have to admit that there aren't a lot of other options that make sense.
The Senate Judiciary Committee held Attorney General nominee William Barr's confirmation hearing today. It doesn't seem to have been very funny, but I thought you should know about it anyway. Barr seems like a really dangerous partisan hack who won't make a very good AG, but after Sessions and Whitaker, I feel better about him, because my standards have been stomped to jelly. Sources say potential Democratic presidential candidates on the committee were a little bummed this hearing would offer fewer opportunities for righteous pontification than that time they all got to yell at Brett Kavanaugh.
Across the pond, Theresa May's Brexit deal fell apart after being rejected by Parliament, which is kind of like Congress, only with sillier hats and monocles probably. I'm not super-familiar with British politics, but my understanding is, she will now be pinned to the cricket pitch using wickets while the batsman does some other English, cricket-y things...I'm tired, you fuckin’ finish the joke.
It's very probable I missed some shit tonight, as I am once again all fucked up on allergy meds. Did we invade Venezuela yet? Feel free to point out my shortcomings in the comments.
*And by “the street” I mean “the Daily Beast.”
"Suddenly Steve King," From the Smash Musical, LITTLE SHOP OF BIGOTS
Hello Shower Captives! There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow. To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:
(There are even links in this one, check it out on Cap's site: http://showercapblog.com/suddenly-steve-king-from-the-smash-musical-little-shop-of-bigots/)
REPUBLICANS:
Furrow your brow
Look mad on Jake Tapper
Denounce that hate speech
Send a self-righteous tweet
With the same hand
Grab your dog whistle
We're all just as bad
But much more discreet
Suddenly Steve King
Turned out to be racist
It just happened last week
And none of us knew
Suddenly Steve King
And how should we face this?
With fake condemnation
Steve King, fuck you
DEMOCRATS:
None of you ever said shit about his
Decades of hatred; did you, Ted Cruz?
He hung around with those Austrian Nazis
Did you not notice? It was on the news.
Suddenly Steve King
Is too racist for you?
You sought his endorsement
He chaired your campaign
“Suddenly” Steve King's
Begun to abhor you
What fake condemnation
And phony disdain
REPUBLICANS:
Tell me that someone's buying this bullshit
Tell me the media will quickly move on
DEMOCRATS:
Please understand that we noticed your silence
Your years of enabling can't just be withdrawn
Suddenly Steve King
(Suddenly Steve King)
He showed who you are
(He showed who we are)
Suddenly Steve King
(Suddenly Steve King)
Still in your clan
(You mean Klan)
Not just a wee fling
With white nationalism
(With white nationalism)
With fake condemnation
(With fake condemnation)
With fake condemnation
(With fake condemnation)
With fake condemnation
Steve King's your maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Presidential Shutdown Strategy: Walls Within Walls, Maaaaaaan
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn't think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Anyway...shit be cray. Let's do this. And yeah, if you want all those helpful news links, click over to the blog site: http://showercapblog.com/presidential-shutdown-strategy-walls-within-walls-maaaaaaan/
So, about an hour after I got the last post up, I saw that article with that one flustered Trump voter, who, panicked that her Turd Emperor's blundering incompetence was now wrecking her life, and things weren't as much fun as they'd been in the heady days of shrieking “lock her up” alongside her fellow maniacs, whinged, “he’s not hurting the people he needs to be hurting,” which historians and social scientists quickly agreed was the Most Revealing Thing Ever Said in All Human History.
A lot of folks are enjoying a little schadenfreude at this particular MAGAt's struggles, but I don't think that's really fair. Separate her from her family, throw her in an ice-cold cage in a concentration camp on the border, without medical care, and then we can talk about fair.
Holy heck, Donnie Dotard's old campaign chairman is even more #Manafucked than we thought! We learned about still another shady-ass meeting between Manafort and th'Russians, this time in Madrid, which he lied about, oh, and also he shared polling data with a Kremlin-connected oligarch, and I can't speak for you, but that sounds lightly treasonous to me.
Now folks, there is just no fucking standard where GIVING THE RUSSIANS YOUR PROPRIETARY POLLING DATA does not fit the definition of “colluding with the Russians,” but damn if you don't still see powerful Republicans trying! It's fucking weird watching American politicians tie themselves up in knots looking for a way to excuse a foreign attack on the United States, isn't it? Like if you saw some jowlsy old southern Senator try to wave off Pearl Harbor as an overenthusiastic pizza delivery.
And we only found out about this shit because Manafort's lawyers fucked up and forgot to redact it in their filing. Precocious Paul might have standing to appeal on a Holy Fuck I Was Represented By Doorknobs basis.
But there's more from the Russian front, with an old character making a surprise return. Yes, Natalia V. Veselnitskaya, of the famed and much-lied-about Trump Tower meeting, has gotten herself indicted in a money-laundering case. While this indictment doesn't have anything to do with the Mueller investigation, it does reveal our Natalia has been somewhat less than honest about her Kremlin ties. Gosh, and she seemed so sweet. Hell, Junior practically took her home to meet the folks.
The Oversight Renaissance is heating up, chums! Steve Mnuchin has been summoned to the principal's office to explain why the fuck he's been working so hard to lift sanctions on one of Vlad Putin's oligarch pals. Expect Secretary Mnuchbag to respond to inquires with “Who knows why the fuck I do anything? I'm not qualified for this job! None of us are! Ben Carson's using half of HUD's office space to store grain!”
Acting Attorney General/Hot Tub SpokesGoon Matt Whitaker is getting a subpoena of his very own! New House Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler is committed to discovering whether or not Whitaker possesses the equivalent intelligence of a dolphin, or a well-trained dog, and I commend him.
Every boy wants to impress his father, and I guess when Dad's racist clod, you behave like Donald Trump, Jr. The little shit tweeted out the most horrifying casual bit of revolting dehumanization you'll see outside the comments section on a Daily Stormer article, like it was a cat video. Look, I don't ask for much in this life, but I would very much like to see this malignant little shitweasel lose every single unearned dollar and die destitute in prison. If you ever see me throwing a coin in a fountain, that's what I'm wishing for.
I guess President Crotchrot’s attention span wandered long enough to recollect one of his older, neglected, petty grievances, as he farted out a random tweet blaming California wildfires on the stubborn, liberal, flammability of forests. Anyway, if there's a stupidity gene, it hasn't skipped any generations in the Trump family.
A visit from the Ghost of Grifters Past, as Scott Pruitt somehow continues to find himself in brand new trouble despite having been thrown out the airlock several months ago. Looks like Scotty was accepting bribes, excuse me “donations to his legal defense fund” from a wealthy Republican donor back when he was running the EPA. Plus, you totally know it was him who ate every single lunch anybody ever left in the break room fridge.
Possibly the most baffling story of the day is the news that the Shart Administration is hammering out a bill that would grant Government Cheese Goebbels insane unilateral powers to raise tariffs any time he needed to blow off steam after a shitty round of golf. I've never seen delusion on this level; after wrecking havoc on the stock market and crotch-punting so many American businesses with your dumbfuck trade war, you imagine anyone's thirsty to expand your authority to fuck shit up? It's like asking you dad if he'll buy you a Porsche ten minutes after he grounds you.
Hey, I don't know if you know this, but it seems like Iowa Congressjag Steve King is something of a racist. The Failing New York Times revealed this shocking news with an In-Depth Deep Dive Into Things Steve King Has Said Out Loud in Front of Everyone. Anyway, Steve's super-upset. Maybe he'll sue himself for defamation.
Hey, I hope you like shutdown news, because boy howdy do I have a lot of shutdown news. I went to Costco for toilet paper and jelly beans, but there was this big fat family pack of shutdown news, and the price was just too tempting. I just hope there's room in my freezer.
Well, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits successfully bullied the TV networks into giving him free airtime to spew his hateful propaganda, but he wasn't able to capitalize, because, stripped of a crowd of riled up hateyokels, he comes off like your grandpa complaining about the grocery store moving the hot dog buns to a different aisle.
Even better, Smallhands Magoo's little diatribe did worse in the ratings than the Pelosi/Schumer response which followed. Now, as much as I love them, let's just say Chuck n’ Nancy awkwardly sharing a podium doesn't tend to generate a level of excitement on par with a secret Beyoncé album dropping, so you know this is extra-humiliating. Hee.
The next day, the Shart of the Deal really put on a negotiating clinic, asking congressional Democrats to give him the wall money they've been denying, because he thinks if you just keep pestering mom and dad they'll buy you the ice cream cone just to get you to shut the fuck up. Well, Wee Don didn't get his ice cream, so he threw a tantrum and walked out. The joke was on him though, as Democrats pocketed all the candy he'd brought the moment he was gone. SUCKER!
Now he's claiming he never actually said that Mexico was really gonna pay for the wall, which is a bit like the Where's the Beef lady insisting she never asked where the beef was.
From there he descended into his trademark melange of flagrant dishonestly, jabbering self-pity, and whatever the rant about wheels being older than walls (they're not, by way) was. He whined that Pelosi and Schumer are harder to negotiate with than China, and OF COURSE THEY ARE you nitwit, they don't have the option to just bombard you with insincere flattery until you sign something without reading it.
FDA food inspections are off due to the shutdown, so you can look forward to some fun changes in the nougat/rat feces ratio in your 3 Musketeers bars if we don't get this worked out soon.
And air traffic controllers are now receiving paychecks that read “You expect financial remuneration for your labor? LOL!” for the totally non-essential services they provide, namely preventing airplanes full of people from crashing into one another. Oh, and the FBI says the shutdown is interfering with that whole “law enforcement” thing. I feel safer already.
The Coast Guard isn't get paid either, but the government has helpfully suggested that Guardsmen facing financial difficulties could turn to babysitting, or tutoring, or even holding a garage sale, to make ends meet. How's that for gratitude? “Thank you for serving your country, now go see if you can get thirty bucks for your mattress, you filthy taker!”
Meanwhile some really choice shitheads are taking advantage of the lack of staff in our national parks by vandalizing our nation's precious heritage of natural beauty, because, and I don't know how many times I have to tell y’all, we live in Hell. These shitsacks are even chopping down endangered Joshua trees, just CUZ. Does that sound like something that would happen in a place that wasn't Hell?
And the shartdown is even starting to hit ol’ Shower Cap right where he lives, as America's finest breweries find themselves unable to release their latest innovations in the noble field of beermaking for public consumption. I'm about to throw up a goddamn barricade, folks.
This seems like a good time to point out that the only thing that's really at stake here is Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet's fragile ego. Everybody understands the wall won't work. We don't need the wall. We don't want the wall. But because the President is a narcissistic septuagenarian toddler, and because his ego matters more to him than every single human life on earth put together, the whole country has to pay for his boneheaded negotiating blunder. NEAT.
So what seems to be the agreed-upon solution to current impasse is, the Manchurian Manchild will simply, unconstitutionally, proclaim a state of emergency and order the wall be built in defiance of the law. To be clear here, the “national emergency” is that Donald Trump is actually terrible at the one thing he's supposed to do well; making deals.
And so here we are at last, at the moment when Pissant Pol Pot will grab the United States Constitution in his tiny, inadequate, hands, and try to tear it to shreds because he backed himself into a corner and his father never loved him and lordy, whoever thought it was a good idea to give such an obviously broken little man this much power?
Horrifyingly, congressional Republicans are treating this anti-Democratic power grab as the best available solution. They've grown so cowed by the Grand Wizard Grifter and his frothy, hate-fueled base, that they're enabling this attack on American democracy rather than standing up to a wannabe dictator pursuing a loathed policy. “Oh, the courts will stop him...we hope,” they whimper. A greater collection of sycophants and cowards has surely never been assembled. The Senate Republican caucus is 53 different versions of the Paul Reiser character in Aliens. And none more craven than Lindsey Graham.
By the way, the plan is to divert already-appropriated disaster relief funds from silly little so-called “disasters” like the California wildfires and the hurricanes that hit Florida, Texas, and Puerto Rico. That's a great little detail, isn't it? Really drives home the reckless evil of the thing. The fake crisis is so important, people experiencing actual crises must be made to suffer.
For extra fun, just to drop an acid-laced cherry on top of this madness-and-bullshit sundae, NBC playfully revealed that the Marmalade Shartcannon's precious steel slate barrier can be breached by any idiot with a saw. A motherfucking SAW. For five billion dollars, we should be at least able to thwart the fearsome might of a ten dollar Home Depot gift card.
Still, all of Sharty McFly's desperate attempts to distract the country with his moronic shenanigans aren't going divert a single camera when Michael Cohen testifies publicly before Congress! Yes, the former fixer is set to play selections from his smash album "Crimes I Committed Because My Client Donald Trump Told Me To” before the House Oversight Committee, which is suddenly interested in conducting actual oversight now that Democrats are in charge, WEIRD, HUH?
Anyway I'm clearing my calendar on February 7th, I have a day-drinking date with the Sensei of Sez-Hoo.
Good gravy. What a week. If I didn't drink, I'd scream. Luckily, I do drink.
I drink a great deal.
The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps on American soil, because, as I have oft remarked, we live in Hell.
(As is customary, you can find this post, with all those helpful links, on my humble blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/the-national-emergency-is-the-president-is-a-malevolent-dumbass/)
Well, the Government Shartdown is ongoing, and I've had to furlough Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, which really isn't that bad, because it's not like I pay him or anything. And anyhow, what're all these people whining about, anyway? Oh, so you're “working without pay” or “can't pay your mortgage?” COWBOY UP, you CUCKS! As the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully points out, y’all can just “make adjustments!” Adjustments like sleeping outside instead of having a roof over your head! Or, if your budget is straining under the costs of food, have you tried adjusting by just not eating? It's BOOTSTRAP TIME!
And hey, it's not like we're doing lasting damage to our national parks or anything. Not like domestic violence shelters are in danger of closing because the Violence Against Women act lapsed with the shutdown.
...wait.
But look, as your bank account dwindles and your stress mounts, you can at least take comfort in knowing that park rangers are still hard at work in at least one historic location: and wouldn'tcha know it, it's the one on the site of President Crotchrot's Washington, D.C. hotel! Gosh that's one zany-ass coincidence, isn't it? I bet the lifeguard at the ball pit in Jared Kushner's office has to work, too.
Somehow, the historically unpopular President has actually decided to increase his demands in exchange for ending his unpopular shutdown over his unpopular wall policy, because hey, he's the Shart o’ the Deal! You picture Chuck n’ Nancy just sort of...blinking at him silently, with a look of disdain colored with mild pity.
And because this is Hell, and Satan is laughing at us as we squirm, we learned that the Big Dumb Wall, that nobody wants, that wouldn't even work, that's the entire cause of this moronic, wasteful, standoff, originated as a goddamn memory device, to trick the barely-functioning, Adderall-soaked, brain inside the Doddering Dotard's thick skull into remembering to talk about immigration on the campaign trail. That's some dark shit, folks. Dark. Shit.
The persecution of Sarah Huckleberry Slanders has escalated to the point where she's even getting fact-checked on Fux Nooz. Sarah was all, “What the FUCK, Chris Wallace, have you forgotten that your whole job is to magnify my ridiculous lies, in this case pertaining to the eleventy-million terrorists who sneak across the southern border every single day, snickering about how a wall would totally keep them out, but Americans are too stupid to build it?”
It's actually been kind of a banner stretch for comically-disprovable lies from Team Treason. I suppose we can't really blame them; the truth is not particularly accommodating to their records or goals. They're fully locked into a “fool some of the people all the time” strategy, and considering their loyal rube army believes every nutjob conspiracy theory from Jade Helm to Pizzagate, why not go hog wild?
Like, for example, why not fellate yourself for preventing a completely imaginary armed conflict? Yup, the Marmalade Shartcannon is very impressed with the way he single-handedly staved off war with North Korea, which was totally in real life just about happen, pinky swear. It's nincompoop-level Orwell: we have never been at war with Eastasia, actually, because I stopped it with my raw, unfiltered, awesomeness.
And now all the living ex-Presidents have gone on the record denying Le Grande Sharte's obviously bogus claim that they all have secret crushes on the Big Dumb Wall, because I guess we really do have to bother Jimmy Carter with this shit now. “Why would I want such a damn fool thing?” asked Carter, before returning to kicking cancer's ass with one hand while building houses for the less fortunate with the other.
In the face of all this lying, the Tangelo Taint Tumor announced a prime time Oval Office speech, so he can lie to the whole country at once. And all the networks have to decide whether or not to give the fuckhead such a powerful platform to belch up his hateful propaganda. “Well, on the one hand, it's newsworthy, on the other, he's using disinformation as a tool to fuel racist hostility and destroy American democracy. But then, our Tuesday sitcom slate hasn't been performing well anyhow.”
A fresh new entry in the blossoming subgenre of Trump Buyer’s Remorse Interviews from the Failing New York Times, featuring a dude who voted for Shart Garfunkel because “He was supposed to hurt OTHER people not ME!” but now tariffs are destroying HIS business, and dang, bro, I'm sure sorry that the suffering you chose to inflict on the nation has come around to bite you in the ass. Anyway, I have some shit you can eat if you want.
Increasing clarity on the Shart Doctrine regarding Syria, where our policy is either totally different than before or exactly the same. Or not. Troops will be coming home soon, or perhaps staying indefinitely, or maybe opening a chain of frozen yogurt stands. The plot of The Big Sleep is our Syria policy, basically.
However, they've used Littlefinger's misinformed Middle East yo-yoing to chase Jim Mattis, with his stubborn refusal to blow up the post-WWII international order on a whim, out the door, and now they've forced Pentagon Chief of Staff Kevin Sweeney out as well. Word is, they're having trouble filling the Defense Secretary post, which is odd, because who wouldn't jump at the chance to talk their boss out of nuking Paris because Emmanuel Macron shook his hand too hard.
And Smelly Creep Julian Assange has apparently gotten sick of everybody calling him a smelly creep, and is now threatening to sue any journalist who mentions what a smelly creep he is. I figure it'll be a while before that smelly creep makes his way down to my humble blog page, so I'm probably safe.
Mike Pompeo, who is a fake patriot, an equally fake Christian, and, tragically, America's top diplomat, will be giving a little speech in Cairo, holding up the journalist-butchering Saudi regime as an example to be followed when it comes to human rights, which really ought to deeply humiliate anyone who believes in any of those silly ol' American principles we used to learn about in school. Anyway, I finally have the answer to the once-ridiculous question, “what would it take to make you actually miss a ruinous clod like Rex Tillerson?”
Hey, didja see the poll that shows Nancy Pelosi is better liked than Hairpiece Himmler now? Oh man, that's good shit. I wanna print that poll out, and stand on the Shart House lawn, holding it over my head, Say-Anything-style. More than a decade of demonizing Pelosi, they've made her more popular and powerful than ever. Tee fuckin' hee.
Heh. Looks like Jag of All Trades Mick Mulvaney is already loading his luggage into one of the last remaining lifeboats aboard the Shartanic, eyeing a new gig as president of the University of South Carolina. Gosh. And after Stephen Miller went through all that trouble getting his measurements just right for those Klan robes during Secret Santa.
Well, that's all I got tonight, friends. While I hope to keep services running during the shutdown, you may want to stockpile some poop jokes in the event of a shortage. Be prepared, is all I'm sayin'.
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don't Know How You're Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Don
Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!
(As always, if you want those nifty news links, click on over to Cap's site: http://showercapblog.com/nancy-pelosi-is-back-and-i-dont-know-how-youre-gonna-build-a-wall-with-her-boot-up-your-ass-donnie/)
Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair Bolsonaro's rectum for a bit, because shitting all over America's values is pretty much Mike's whole job these days, and he is goddamn good at it. Y'know what's a fun game I play now? I imagine World War III is about to break out, and I try to guess who winds up on which side. I figure we get Russia, America, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, and Brazil against everybody else. And yes, we're the bad guys.
Well, add Stanley McChrystal to the ever-expanding list of career military officers to be named enemies of the state for daring to criticize Government Cheese Goebbels. I bet this is a really great time to be a general, don't you? You can risk your life for decades, serving your country in war zones overseas, and when you come home, the commander in chief will take a dump right on your head if you decide to say something like "hey, I think lying is bad."
Jerry Falwell, Jr. gave a deranged little interview to the Washington Post, proclaiming that no sin, however great or small, could ever come between him and his lying, thieving, pussy-grabbing, daughter-coveting, charity-defrauding, child-concentration-camp-opening Turd Emperor, and I honestly wonder how these faux “Christians” get through their Sunday services without snickering during the scripture reading.
Another victory in the Trade War, comrades! Yes, Apple announced unexpectedly weak sales, on account of somebody who shall remain nameless tap-dancing all over the global economy's groin. "But Cap, that doesn't sound like a victory at all! Apple is an American company!" Oh my dear, sweet, child. The Trade War was ALWAYS being waged against America and Americans.
Just before taking over Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch's Senate desk, Willard Romney sat down in the draftiest corner of his car elevator to write himself a little op-ed. It was an op-ed full to the brim with the mildest imaginable criticism of the cheap, greedy, thug polluting the Oval Office. And I do mean MILD. If the Romney op-ed were a sauce at one of those places that has, like, 25 different degrees of hot sauce, it would be the plain ranch dressing they keep to the side, for children and wusses.
And still the Never-Trumpers greeted it like a tablet brought down from the mountain top! Hell, Bill Kristol fell to his knees and wept! I...I don't have the heart to tell them, you guys. But the list of people who got rich betting on Mitt Romney to stand up and do right thing would fit on a particle the Large Hadron Collider hasn't discovered yet.
So, everybody's got their kinks, I get that and I don't judge. Now, if watching the President of the United States of America regurgitate Russian propaganda at a Cabinet meeting while rock-headed sycophants take turns giving him lap dances is what gets you off, you must have LOVED this week. I tell you what, I'm more and more impressed with Putin every day...you never see his lips move.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown was in rare form at this meeting, helpfully offering Iran free reign to do whatever the fuck they feel like in Syria, which probably caused a few spit-takes in Israel. To the great surprise of international observers, Supreme Leader Khamenei announced that he will be taking the President up on his gracious offer, by opening a resort and water park in one of the neighborhoods where Bashar al-Assad gassed all the residents to death.
...and there was this nonsensical little Game of Thrones poster on the table the whole time, because of course there was.
Oh, and in the background, third-rate dictator Kim Jong-un continues playing Lil’ Donnie Dotard's ego like a cheap ukulele. On the one hand, having the How to Manipulate the American President Playbook in the public domain probably isn't a good thing...on the other, I bet if I could get him on the phone and talk about how good he looks in his circus-tent pants, I could walk away with a stealth bomber at least...can you say, “CapJet?”
Folks, this stuff with Paul Whelan, the shady-as-fuck disgraced ex-Marine currently detained in Russia for espionage, is batguano nucking futz, even by the standards of this blog. Like, if the idea here is to swap this clod for Maria Butina, I think we need to hold out for substantially more value. Maybe Putin's willing to take on Jason Heyward's contract*.
And though shit remains generally quite cray, gosh wasn't it nice to just roll around in all the long-overdue good news of the new Congress’ swearing-in, like a pig in mud? For every historic first for our kickass, diverse, Trump-stompin’ freshman class, there was the giddy realization that Koch toadies like Paul Ryan and Gowdy Doody wouldn't be making our laws anymore. My smile got so fuckin’ wide, you'd think I huffed a whole tank of Joker gas.
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, y’all, and it's time for the feral jagoffs of the Freedom Caucus to flail impotently in the minority for a change. There are some new sheriffs in town. Adam Schiff, YOU get a gavel, and Elijah Cummings, YOU get a gavel, and Maxine Waters, YOU get a gavel, and Jerry Nadler, YOU get a gavel, and Richard Neal, YOU get a gavel, EVERYONE GETS A GAVEL!
And check out the new majority's super-sexxxy first major bill, a voting rights extravaganza that takes on gerrymandering and voter roll purging and all kinds of good stuff! This promises to be a major setback to the Koch-backed proposal to restrict the franchise to White Property-Owning Males who have Committed No Fewer Than Four White Collar Crimes in the Last Calendar Year.
And watching Nancy Two-Times casually mention that FUCK YEAH you can indict a sitting President was just the maraschino cherry on top of the sundae, which was already one of those massive, ten-scoops-plus-two-whole-bananas-and-half-a-pound-of-sprinkles sundaes. Get yourself a spoon, there's plenty to go ‘round.
But the good news wasn't confined to D.C. In Maine, shiny new Dem governor Janet Mills finally ordered the implementation of the voter-approved Medicaid expansion that Paul LePage had been obstructing for years, because he hated his constituents and wanted them to die. In Washington state, Governor Jay Inslee announced a plan to pardon thousands of folks with misdemeanor marijuana convictions, which will surely pave the way for an outbreak of The Reefer Madness in the Pacific Northwest, but fear not, the National Guard stands ready. Or wait, are they getting paid?
After two years of ceaseless assaults on America's fundamental democratic institutions, from the judiciary to the free press, two years of a criminal administration throwing children into cages even as they steal everything that isn't nailed down, I regret to inform to inform a weary nation that we must now face the greatest scandal yet: a Lady Democrat has uttered a Swear. A Brown Lady Democrat. A MUSLIM Brown Lady Democrat.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to fetch smelling salts for their racist uncle)
Hey Republicans, if you're this mad when Rashida Tlaib SAYS “impeach the motherfucker,” just imagine how John-McEnroe-locked-in-a-dryer-with-two-cats freaked out you'll get when we actually impeach the motherfucker.
Whatever. Fuck your feelings.
Drumpf loyalists at the RNC want to change the rules to head off a potential 2020 primary challenge by Jeff Flake or some other equally deluded fool who imagines that the GOP can cure its white supremacist fever if somebody just reads a few David Brooks columns over the loudspeaker at one of Wee Don's hate rallies. Lord. This really is a fantastic example the projectile insecurity and hard turn from democracy to fascism that's rapidly becoming the entire Republican brand.
So, Matt Gaetz is a sitting Republican Congressman, a raging bigot, and dumber than a bag of hair. So naturally, Fux Nooz decided to let him co-host a show today, because something something JOURNALISM something something FAIR N’ BALANCED. Anyway, he said some dumb, racist, shit, and I guess we should be thankful they're doing away with the pretense of objectivity, right?
And of course the Big Dumb Shartdown over the Big Dumb Wall continues, with Fat Q*Bert claiming he'll merrily keep the government closed for months, if not years, because he is a big tuff boy and you cannot make him clean his room or eat his peas. In this, he is enabled by Mitch McConnell, who is surely feigning severe head trauma in order to explain why he's no long able to consider the very same bill his chamber unanimously passed just two weeks ago. And to think, some say Republicans can't govern.
Lindsey Graham went on Hannity to say that if Boss Turdworm doesn't get his wall money, it would be “the end of his Presidency.” Heh. I guess Lindsey learned the fine art of negotiation at his golf buddy's feet, cuz No Wall PLUS Utterly Castrated Trump sounds like the best two-for-one in history. Why not throw in a toaster oven and a year's worth of Krispy Kreme, my dude?
Then, today, the Hairplug That Ate Decency stumbled out into the rose garden for his latest attempt at daring Steve Mnuchin into invoking the 25th amendment, and my guess is the fumes from the experimental hair tonic were extra strong today, because HOO BOY that was Nic-Cage-in-Marat/Sade-level bonkers. I have NO fucking idea what the wall looks like in that doddering old fool's head, but it's probably some straight Steve Ditko shit. What's it made from today? Concrete? Steel? Crunchberries?
And Mexico is gonna pay for the wall, except they already have, through a trade agreement that hasn't passed Congress yet, but he still needs $5 billion from us for some reason. It's Schroedinger's appropriation. Neat.
He said that lots and lots of federal workers absolutely ADORE working without pay and that lots of lots of Presidents tell him all the time that they wanted a Big Dumb Wall of their own only they weren't as good at deal-making or wall-building as YOU are Mr. Trump and that lots and lots of imaginary terrorists get stopped at the southern border and while he was just pulling shit straight out of his ass a unicorn made from grape jelly appeared to him in the Oval Office this morning to say Salma Hayek really did want to date him but was afraid she'd be unable to satisfy him sexually. Anyway, he's nuts.
And yeah, were just two days into the new Congress, and the Oversight Renaissance hasn't even gotten warmed up yet, but Tangerine Idi Amin is already tossing around shit like "the military version of eminent domain," and that probably does mean that he thinks he can order the military to just take anything he wants but you'll pry my autographed copy of TOMB OF DRACULA #1 out of my cold, dead, hands, shitbag.
Yes, it's all fun and games until Pissant Pol Pot starts talking about declaring a state of emergency to get his precious Lego set. A constitutional crisis set off by a disapproving Ann Coulter monologue? That's where we're at, America. Whatever new world emerges from the ashes will stand in the ruins of our once-great nation and laugh their asses off at us. And they'll be right to do so.
And on the Entirely Predictable Consequences front, we're already seeing a spike in TSA employees calling in sick, since they're required to work without paychecks during a shartdown. O, the treasonous louts! Prioritizing petty concerns like “paying their bills” or “caring for the children” over the petulant whims of the Manchurian Manchild! I ASK YOU, IS PATRIOTISM DEAD?
Anyway, yes, Sharty McFly’s vanity project tantrum is already making America less safe. Isn't that ironic? Don'tcha think?
But while all these good people aren't getting paid, Mike Pants and other high-ranking Treasonweasel Administration officials are getting a fucking RAISE, which is exactly what would happen in Hell, and I submit this info to you as further evidence that Hell is exactly where we all live.
In all fairness, Mikey Hairshirt probably begged for combat pay after he officiated the swearing-in of openly-bisexual Democrat Kyrsten Sinema on a book that wasn't even the Bible! Or whatever fucking book Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s been reading, even!
Oh, and while I was workin' up tonight's post, I came across this little nugget, about shutdown deaths in national parks, which the geniuses running our government decided, in their wisdom, to keep open even in the face of massive staff furloughs. Yeah, this whole Let the Dumbest Fucking People on the Planet Run Everything experiment doesn't appear to be working out, y'know?
But it looks like the Groundhog of Justice saw his shadow, because we're getting six more months of Mueller! Yes, the Bobadook's grand jury has been extended, because there're just so dang many crimes to investigate. No wonder Donnie Two-Scoops is melting down with such regularity these days.
Shit, y’all, it's only been FOUR DAYS. I swear, 2019 is gonna drive me to drink...more.
*This is a baseball joke.
The Year Ends, the Primary Begins, the Wall Remains Imaginary...Happy 2019! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
As we embark on the New Year, I confess I am considering a partial blog shutdown unless the United States Treasury agrees to finance a new beer fridge for my living room, and also maybe some badass flame decals for my mask. Anyhow, let's round up the madness one last time before we drive a stake through 2018's wretched heart!
(As always, this post originates on Cap's humble blog site, which has all sorts of nifty news links: http://showercapblog.com/the-year-ends-the-primary-begins-the-wall-remains-imaginary-happy-2019/)
Outgoing Maine Governor/Ambulatory Pimple Paul LePage spitefully scribbled “stolen election” on the certificate that officially ended Bruce Poliquin's sore-loser legal challenge, and made Democrat Jared Golden the new Congressman representing Maine's second district, because pettiness is one of the last remaining “conservative values,” alongside hatred and ignorance. Anyway, fuck LePage.
Speaking of sneering idiots who thankfully won't be in government anymore, our ol’ chum Gowdy Doody quietly shut down his long, bullshit investigation into Hillary Clinton for the high crimes of Whatever We Can Get Fox News to Scream About It Doesn't Really Matter Does It, satisfied that while he never quite turned up any wrongdoing, at least he kicked up enough baseless innuendo to keep her out of the White House. And hey, if it led to the greatest assault on America's institutions and values since the Civil War, well...”whoopsie!”
And now Shiny New Ex-Senator Jeff Flake is making feeble little squeaky noises about mounting a primary challenge to the Marmalade Shartcannon in 2020. Sigh. I can think of no more fitting punctuation on the desperate delusion that the GOP is anything other than a white supremacist hate cult anymore than to have an Eeyore-faced milksop, a Human Tsk Noise like Jeff Flake whine about “real conservatism” for a few months before losing the Iowa caucuses by 94 points.
“Jeff Flake for President.” Say it out loud without giggling. See? Can't be done.
Meanwhile, on the good guy side of the fence, the Race for the Historic Privilege of Cleansing the White House of the Stink of Treason and Well-Done Steak Farts is ON, motherfuckers! Elizabeth Warren announced she's running for President, so somebody tell Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops that Pocahontas is ready to paint his ass with all the colors of the wind.
As the Democratic primary heats up, I for one am looking forward to losing a substantial amount of the audience I've worked so hard to build as we all divide up into tribes and pelt each other with sticks and rocks. Remember, everyone who refuses to support your chosen candidate is a heretic, and you're allowed to burn down their home and claim their children and pets as trophies.
Hairpiece Himmler's ever-growing collection of criminal investigations is surely the envy of every boy and girl down at Marm-a-Lago, and NO FAIR, he just got ANOTHER ONE! Federal and state investigators are now looking into allegations that Shartboy's tacky golf clubs are in the habit of distributing fake green cards and social security numbers to their undocumented employees, which is probably the America Firstest thing ever.
I can only picture the tears welling up in Stephen Miller's eyes as he read this news...“S-s-say it isn't so, Dad!”
“I told you not to call me that at work! And what happened to your hair?”
We focus so much on what stumbling, incompetent, buffoon our President is, we occasionally lose sight of the pulsating fistula of hatred and evil at the core of his being. His monstrous tweets over the weekend about the migrant children who have died in U.S. custody served as a sobering reminder that while he is a doddering clown who can barely dress himself, he's also one of the very worst people in the world.
But Pete King's got his back! “‘Only’ two dead kids? Shit, that's practically praiseworthy! Let's send cake and put up a plaque!” says the Long Island Congressjag. And hey, thanks to the voters of the Iowa 4th, Pete-o here isn't even the worst Representative King in the House.
Sometimes I think this presidency is an ongoing exercise in testing just how much raw, unapologetic, depravity the so-called “evangelical Christians” of America will unquestioningly endorse in the name of President Golden Calf. I hope we end the experiment before the gulags open, frankly I think we have enough data to extrapolate the conclusion that there is absolutely no bottom with these folks. As a wiser man than I wrote, the cruelty is the point.
Anyhow, Time Magazine has a fun little story about Precocious Paul Manafort and the Russian spy who livened up his life with “Bitch, where's my money” calls while he was otherwise occupied with leading the Velveeta Vulgarian's presidential campaign. Surely only a fool would think this had anything to do with the sudden change in the GOP platform regarding Ukraine.
Reading this article about House Democrats stocking up on staff and lawyers for the coming Oversight Renaissance is like watching a trailer for the next Avengers movie. I'm delighted and excited, but goddammit why do I have to wait so long to see the good shit? I hope there's a post-credits sequence where Samuel L. Jackson kicks Wilbur Ross square in the taint.
The Shart Administration is working to roll back Obama-era standards on pollution, because if the American people didn't want mercury poisoning, they shouldn't have laughed so hard when Barack told those jokes at the 2011 White House correspondents’ dinner.
But a quick shout out to Chuck Todd, who took a break from lowering the standards of our political discourse to dedicate a show to climate change without giving equal time to some frothy, Koch-funded, denier wearing a jacket made from oil-stained otter pelts out of misguided devotion to the Church of Bothsidesism. If y’all would've applied this standard earlier, and to all issues, the world would look a lot different today. Paul Ryan would be selling cheap suits at a JCPenney in Milwaukee, for starters.
And the Trump Shutdown rolls on, like a comically out-of-shape President following a marching group of world leaders in a golf cart. The Shart of the Deal is demonstrating the full depth of his negotiating prowess, by whining on Twitter all day and all night. Oh, and by pretending to be at work when he's not.
In fairness, there has been one amusing, half-assed “tactic,” a silly little attempt to drive a wedge between Pelosi and Schumer, by taunting Chuck as weakling who's letting a WOMAN of all people set the agenda. Just another bit of cartoonishly obvious projection from the Most Insecure Man in the World, the President of the United States.
Away from all the dumbass brinkmanship, the shutdown continues to hurt real people, from the hundreds of thousands of government workers worrying how they'll pay their bills, to the farmers who've already been crotch-stomped by Il Douche’s Big Dumb Trade war, only to find their taxpayer-funded subsidies endangered by his latest petulant ego trip.
And don't forget, though we've accepted and normalized this, that the suffering of so many Americans doesn't matter to President Trump. At all. And it won't be even the tiniest factor in his behavior going forward in this entirely self-manufactured crisis. Because he doesn't care about any of us. We should talk about that more.
The Once and Future Golf Buddy, Lindsey Graham, waddled out on teevee to suggest that the wall is just a metaphor, maaaaaaaan, for like, life and stuff, y'know, before retreating to his office to order a pizza and listen to Donovan. Shit, Lindsey, metaphors are free, I bet you could get Mexico to pay for a metaphor.
And Walter Jones just became my favorite House Republican, for suggesting that since Mexico ain't payin', maybe Weehands McNodick should pony up some of that sweet emoluments bribe money and pay for the fuckin’ thing himself. Walter, I'm not gonna google you to learn about out all the abominable shit you no doubt support, it's a holiday and I don't wanna ruin these warm feelings just yet.
Of course, Nancy Pelosi has House Dems prepared to immediately pass a bill reopening the government when they take power in just a few short days. Though she seems to have stripped my proposed amendment, mandating that Mike Pants officiate all same-sex weddings in Washington, D.C. for the remainder of his term, the bill includes not a penny of wall money, so I generally dig it.
In late-breaking news, Shart Garfunkel has nominated Louis CK as the next White House Press Secretary, because he's so impressed with his communication skills. Seriously though, since Louis seems to be having some trouble separating humor from mere nastiness these days, allow me to helpfully point him in the direction of John Kelly's recent stab at rehabbing his reputation, which is absolutely fuckin’ HILARIOUS.
And the stock market capped off its worst year in a decade, because it turns out the economic stewardship of a 70-year-old manchild who can't even figure out how umbrellas work isn't as desirable as we were once led to believe.
Well, that's all I got tonight, folks. We've survived two years of this shitstorm, made substantial changes to the cast, and allowed the Mueller subplot to percolate in the background...I think 2019 looks awfully promising. Now go drink 'till you pass out on the lawn!
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