TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalY'know, America's OTHER Pastime is Telling Fascists to Go Fuck Themselves (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y’know, I was trying to reflect back on this point in the Obama presidency, and I realized that I had no idea what the fuck was going on at this point in the Obama presidency. I probably had a burger and a few beers, watched some TV, and went to bed without worrying anyone would destroy the republic and/or the world. Pretty sweet, those days.
(As usual, this post can be found, with allllll those nifty news links, on my blog site, here: http://showercapblog.com/yknow-americas-other-pastime-is-telling-fascists-to-go-fuck-themselves/)
Lost in all the pandemonium and hullabaloo of Mid East treachery, impeachment posturing, and other crises, the Trump/McConnell Judicial Jagoff Pipeline just keeps Right on confirming ill-quipped right-wing sphincter blisters to lifetime appointments, which absolutely fucking sucks. I bet I could get myself appointed to a federal judgeship under this administration, actually. I’m perfect. I have no legal training whatsoever. In undergrad, I double-majored in theatre and English. I did play a lawyer once, in a college production of Machinal, and my fake mustache kept falling off*. Anyway, I’m utterly unqualified, and obviously a drunken maniac, so I’m mailing Lindsey Graham my resume tomorrow.
Defenestrated former cast member John Kelly stopped by to tell us that he regrets leaving the Shart House, because he misses the day-to-day grind of wielding the awesome power of the state in the name of institutional white supremacy, and also because he abandoned his Turd Emperor to inevitable impeachment under the feeble stewardship of sub-competent sycophant Mick Mulvaney. Me, my only regret is talking my parents into letting me quit piano lessons back in high school, but I suppose “insufficiently effective enabling of a would-be tyrant” might cause the odd sigh of whimsical nostalgia amongst the absolute bastards of the world.
Of course, even this relatively mild act of criticism landed General John square in the Treasonweasel Administration’s smear campaign crosshairs, with new I Guess They’re Still Calling Her Press Secretary Even Though She Never Talks to the Press Stephanie Grisham speculating that Kelly was too much of a beta cuck to handle Boss Turdworm’s “genius.” Wow. Ne’er did I imagine I’d miss the subtlety, the finesse, that Sarah Huckabee Sanders brought to the work of lying straight to the American people’s faces. Turns out there’s an art to it, and we were fools to think that just any ol’ drunk could fill your gaslightin’ shoes, Sarah.
Looks like the Hairplug That Ate Decency followed through on his earlier threat to “screw Amazon” out of a massive Pentagon cloud computing contract, because America’s national security will always take a back seat to any opportunity to stick it to the Washington Post for all that dastardly journalism they insist upon doing. Now, just because I won’t weep for Jeff Bezos here doesn’t mean I want federal contracts distributed according to the vindictive whims of a petulant manbaby. Anyway, I think Kathy Griffin should start putting in deliberately-lowball bids on military contracts, just to get under that paper-thin, spray-tanned, skin.
U.S. forces killed ISIS leader/all-around murdering shitsack Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, in what was indisputably the single biggest success of Donnie Two-Scoops’ entire presidency. Because he’s ultimately.nothing but a mediocre game show host, he teased a big announcement Saturday night, but word of the operation quickly leaked, and so America waited to see just how he’d manage to fuck this up for himself, in the way you watch a waiter carrying a tray with too many dishes, eagerly anticipating the inevitable avalanche of crockery, congealed gravy, and shame.
And you certainly weren’t disappointed, as he wasted no time in turning the announcement into a megagauche celebration of himself, complete with self-aggrandizing lies and that sad, desperate, compulsion to compare himself to his predecessor, who accomplished more, inspired more affection, and yes, Little Dotard, oversaw the killing of a more important terrorist. The sad old bastard will simply never outrun his crippling insecurities.
And of course, he thanked Russia and Turkey before acknowledging the contributions of our own intelligence services, or our Kurdish allies, because, well, THOSE ARE HIS FUCKING PRIORITIES, in case anybody in the nosebleeds still had any doubts. Yeah, the Kurds provided pivotal intelligence for this raid, even after Il Douche’s betrayal launched them unexpectedly into a battle for their very survival; in contrast, the Sunny D-Bag’s recklessness recently got dozens of imprisoned ISIS fighters released.
In fact, the military was quick to point out that the operation succeeded in spite of Donnie Dotard’s recent blunders in Syria, rather than as a result of any leadership on his part, which frankly would’ve surprised the shit out of everyone. Pretty fucking nutty for the Pentagon to be leaking “yeah, the President is a drooling moron” immediately after such a major victory, but it does give me hope that they won’t follow orders when he tries to send marines to the Capitol to halt the impeachment trial.
And yes, many are speculating that Strawberry Shartcake hastily arranged a staged photo to make it appear as though he played some sort of pivotal role in the raid, instead of grudgingly interrupting his golf game just in time to swoop in and hoover up the credit. We may never know for sure, but I suppose those are the consequences of being The Boy Who Cried I Brought Back Manufacturing Jobs and Built a Wall Which Mexico Paid For and Other Totally-Made-Up Shit.
Oh, and Government Cheese Goebbels is still positively horny to steal Syria’s oil, I guess because he’s sick of the empty “war crimes” square on his Presidential Fuckery Bingo card taunting him. Anyway, ISIS won’t stay mad at him long, with rhetoric like this bolstering their recruiting almost as much as the prison breaks he caused.
For the record, fuck Katie Hill’s dirtbag estranged husband. He probably has a name, but I’m certainly not showing him the respect it would take to look it up. This pathetic deadbeat loser hasn’t worked since 2014, and actually whined that the jobs his wife helped him get were too hard for him. And we she left him (Hill says he was abusive, by the way), the little ratfink passed a bunch of revenge porn on to some of the sleazier media outlets and GOP operatives (700 images, according to reporting), and now one of the brightest stars in our killer freshmen House class has resigned. In conclusion, fuck you with a rusty crack spoon, Katie Hill’s shitbag ex.
Of course, Duncan Hunter is still in the House. And Scott DesJarlais. And Greg Gianforte. And Ross Spano. And even white nationalist skidmark Steve King. Shoot, I’m told even the President may have a skeleton or two in his closet, next to all those ill-fitting suits and too-long neckties.
Brimming with unearned self-confidence from a military operation he had nothing to do with and indeed very nearly fucked up, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits figured he’d take in a ballgame. It’s hard to believe, but he really seems to have convinced himself that it’s Lou Dobbs who has a twisted, bony, finger on the pulse of “Real America,” that only Rasmussen polls have been telling the truth lo these many years, and that he would be hailed as an American hero for personally strangling the leader of ISIS to death with his very own tiny, inadequate, hands. Anyway, it didn’t quite work out that way.
No, the Marmalade Shartcannon was met not with praise, but with stadium-wide boos, 100 decibels worth of Go Fuck Yourself, You Treasonous Piece of Shit, with some jaunty “lock him up chants” thrown in for good measure.
Now, I’ve had some shitty days in my short time on this Earth, but I’ve never once attended a sporting event where total strangers unfurled giant banners demanding my immediate firing, but I suppose I still have time to hit that public shaming milestone.
Because the road to hell is paved with weak-kneed pundits who find any breach in dinner-party decorum to be the exact moral equivalent of filling concentration camps with traumatized children, I awoke this morning to discover an entire new genre of pearl-clutching thinkpiece had flourished overnight; the Baseball Chanters Are Just as Bad as Trump take. Congrats on still being able to type with your head that far up your ass, I guess.
Y’know, the “lock him up” stuff only seems shocking because the Velveeta Vulgarian has spent his entire term hiding from the people of this country, venturing out from behind his walls only to visit the safest of safe spaces, where he can play bully ringmaster while his frenzied cultists gang up on the odd protester here and there. It’s not nearly as fun when you don’t get to lock the majority out, is it, Shart-Shart?
The truth is, what happened at Nationals Park Sunday night was patriotic as fuck, a long-overdue release of the first amendment valve at a tyrannical goon who obsessively insulates himself from our disapproval of his failings and crimes. It couldn’t have been more patriotic unless a flock of bald eagles shit on him ‘till he drowned in bald eagle shit.
Me, I only wish I could take more joy in it. Just like I wish I could take more joy in Bobby Rankin, one of Elijah Cummings’ pallbearers, cold-shouldering Mitch McConnell at the funeral the other day. These symbolic Eat Shits are pretty sweet, yes. But the concentration camps are still open. The federal judiciary is still being overstuffed with scumbags. The gun control legislation, and the election security legislation, and the anti-corruption legislation, is still dying at Wrinkly Gamera’s power-mad reptilian feet.
So I take my joy in the subpoena issued, and the devastating testimony delivered. In the poll showing rising support for impeachment and removal from office. And my greatest joy since these sheepfucking traitors first took power came in November 2018, when we finally pried one House of Congress out of their grimy, enabling, mitts, and started to bring a little accountability back to this country. I could use some more of THAT shit, y’know?
Anyway. President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster swung by Chicago today, to give a rambling, hateful, speech, shitting all over a city of millions of Americans, before retreating to his tacky-ass hotel to beg the ultra-wealthy to please give his re-election campaign some of the money he gifted them with his plutocrat-friendly tax “reform” bill. Oh, the populism.
Again, he hides from the populace he disparages and despises, because he is a coward. When you’re too scared to step outside and face the people, that doesn’t make Chicago more dangerous than Afghanistan, it just makes you a gibbering wuss.
Turns out Weehands McNodick’s “What else would you like me to do for you, Mr. Erdoğan, sir?” subservience isn’t a recent thing, as new reporting reveals he tried to cut off funding for a series of charter schools connected to one of his buddy Recep’s political foes. Y’know, if Littlefinger worked half as hard on behalf of the American people as he does for foreign dictators, he’d probably be able to attend a baseball game without enduring soul-crushing humiliation.
Oh, and now I see the House will be voting soon on rules for the impeachment inquiry, so the Craven Stooge Brigade will have to find something else to disingenuously gripe about on Fux Nooz, probably that it’s a violation of the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s due process rights to keep gathering and presenting evidence of his many crimes. I’m told one proposed rule would call for the administration of a mild electric shock to any member of the Freedom Caucus who lies about the Constitution on television, so expect Mark Meadows and Matt Gaetz to sport Doc Brown hairstyles before long.
Sliding over to the good news real quick, Superior Court judges in North Carolina finally smacked down the GOP’s shameless scheme to hand-pick their voters rather than face the will of the people, and new, fairer, maps will be in place for 2020. It’s fitting this happened so close to Halloween, for truly, nothing terrifies a Republican so much as a free and fair election.
And that’s what I got for ya tonight, Resisters. A little atrocity, a little schadenfreude, and a bit with a dog. See y’all soon...
PS: Whoops! Looks like some late-breaking news hit while I was getting this post up, featuring still more corroboration of the most damning accusations in the Ukraine scandal. Tee hee.
*I make a ton of shit up in this blog, but the bit about the fake mustache that wouldn’t stay on? 100% true.
Things Aren't Bad Enough, Now We Gotta Talk About Rudy Giuliani's Ass?
Hello fellow human scum! I hope you’re enjoying being the target of dehumanizing rhetoric from your own government as much as I am! Remember, a Shower Cap Blog a day keeps the stochastic terrorism away!*
(As always, this post is available, with all those nifty news links, a click away at: http://showercapblog.com/)
Well, Team Treasonweasel’s increasingly-panicked defense to the ballooning Ukraine scandal has been like watching the world’s slowest, shittiest, Whack-a-Mole table, with each new, feeble, excuse getting more or less instantly obliterated by witnesses and journalists and other pesky agents of reality.
“As a known crusader for honest government, President Crotchvoid was only interested in battling corruption in Ukraine, bless his pure heart!” Wow it sure is weird then, that he keeps trying to cut billions in aid for anti-corruption programs targeting foreign nations including (checks notes) Ukraine, don’tcha think?
“W-well...How could there have been quid pro quo when the government of Ukraine didn’t even KNOW that aid had been withh-” Lemme stop you right there, champ, cuz we’ve got documents showing they knew about this fuckery even earlier than we’d previously understood, so I gotta ask, are you planning on reaching all the way up that bull’s small intestine to extract every last fistful of its shit, or can we skip straight to the plea bargain?
Now, when you’re floundering this badly, that’s how you wind up with Masculine Toilet Spokesmoron/My God Actually Attorney General for a Hot Minute Remember That Shit Matt Whitaker screaming ABUSE OF POWER IS NOT A CRIME, which probably not the argument you want batting cleanup in your impeachment trial.
And so Beardless Neckbeard Matt Gaetz gathered unto himself the Shittiest White Dudes in All D.C. and stormed the latest impeachment inquiry interview in the name of Please God Give the Papers Something to Talk About Other Than the President’s Crimes and the Mounting Pile of Evidence Proving Them. The Dumbfuck Brigade even brought unsecured personal cellphones into the SCIF (That’s “Security Counts, you Ignorant Fuckheads”) which is a significant national security breach, but don’t worry, I’m sure the Chinese government hasn’t hacked the personal devices of any of Shart Garfunkel’s favorite pet Congressdolts.
Gaetz likened his sad stunt to film 300. Nah, kid. See, for starters, rather than being in preternaturally good shape, with abs you could use to grate cheese, you’re a doughy white boy in his 30’s, already working a third chin. Besides, people still talk about 300, and as I write this, one short day later, the impeachment inquiry keeps on rollin’, while your self-congratulatory pizza party is totally forgotten. And by the way, little man, if you’re such a big tuff Spartan, why’d you wait until the day Nancy Pelosi was out of town at her brother’s funeral to act up?”
I feel like not enough people are freaking out that Tangerine Idi Amin’s lawyers are unapologetically arguing, in court, that he’s so far above the law that if he literally shot somebody on 5th avenue, the American legal system couldn’t do anything about it except grudgingly concede, “Well, ya got us again, Mr. President! Good luck out on the links this weekend!” You know the minute he gets away with that one, he’s headed straight to Adam Schiff’s office with an axe, right?**
Problem-solving is easy when human life means nothing to you, especially when you have a devoted cult that gleefully swallows every turd, however fetid, that drops from your mouth. And so, faced with a massive mess of his own making in Syria, the Velveeta Vulgarian simply declared victory, lifted all sanctions on the murderous Turkish regime, and patted himself on the back for a job well done. And I don’t want to disagree with Van Jones, but I think the moment when he minimized his contribution to ISIS’ cause, like somehow “only” a hundred or so terrorists escaping because of your bungling incompetence is no big deal, was the moment Weehands McNodick really became President.
But yeah, all sanctions on lifted, in exchange for a “ceasefire” the Turks immediately violated, confident the Shart of the Deal cares more about headlines than allies. So the price for slaughtering America’s bravest, most faithful, friends, is about 80 hours of the lightest imaginable wrist-slapping. “Oh, you want to subject our partners against ISIS to a brutal ethnic cleansing campaign? Welllllll, tell you what, you pay for the pizzas at the next three NATO summits plus you have to watch Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice three times in a row, but go ahead.”
Oh, and Erdoğan actually demanded that the U.S. turn over the Kurds’ military commander! Like, the betrayal wasn’t enough, do our fucking dirty work for us, too. When he gets his official White House visit in a few weeks, he’s gonna walk into the room with Littlefinger on a fucking leash.
Now, the bullshit rationale Strawberry Shartcake offered for selling the Kurds out was something about “bringing the troops home.” However, while he doesn’t care about Kurdish lives, or even the lives of American troops, oil is another matter altogether, and so we’re about to send an EVEN LARGER military force, complete with tanks, BACK INTO SYRIA, yet another front in the forever war. So we’re significantly worse off in the region than before, we’ve lost our closest allies and strengthened our adversaries, and the one measure by which this was supposed to benefit the U.S. has been totally reversed in just a couple weeks. I guess this is just how foreign policy works, here in Shitty Wonderland.
Elijah Cummings became the first African-American lawmaker to lie in state at the Capitol, and today the world paid respects at his funeral. I’m sure you don’t need to be told that the VeryFine Valor Thief couldn’t muster the single ounce of decency required to attend the service; I guess when you’re a white nationalist sociopath, the choice between “Elijah Cummings’ funeral” and “watching TV in a simmering pile of your own filth and resentments,” isn’t a tough one.
Anyway, Obama delivered a moving tribute, as did the Clintons, among others, and it was kinda jarring, frankly, like “oh yeah we used to have presidents who experienced normal human emotions, and could speak in complete sentences, and wow, Barack got though that whole speech without committing any crimes at all, AMAZING!”
And the Candycorn Skidmark bragged about getting his Big Dumb Wall built in the great state of Colorado, which is famous for its majestic mountains, thriving marijuana industry, and lack of border with Mexico. Is there some sort of ritual trial-by-combat I can invoke, to wrestle the presidency out of those tiny, inadequate, hands, only instead of fighting, it’s like, a 3rd grade social studies test?
Senate Republicans are blocking, and President Gas Station Urinal Cake is threatening to veto, election security legislation that would make it harder for foreign countries to fiddle with our elections for fun and profit. I feel like we should send Bill & Ted back to get the Founding Fathers to add some fine print to the Constitution, like “feel free to give that whole ‘Electoral College’ thing another look if it happens to become a tool of tyranny by the minority,” and “criminals installed by hostile foreign powers may not veto election security bills are you fucking insane why does anyone think that’s a good idea?”
Hey, somebody wake Wilbur Ross up, and tell him he’s under investigation for using private e-mail to conduct official government business. Wow. A cabinet secretary using private e-mail? I’m quaking with rage. I mean, we’ve seen some scandals over these last three years, but the media has trained me to believe that this is pretty much the single worst thing a politician can do. Surely this will be front page news over at the New York Times for months to come, and Republicans will call for the prosecution of Ross, and everyone he’s worked with, right on down to the interns who nudge him when he nods off during Cabinet meetings...right?
So, Kellyanne Conway threatened a reporter. We know this, because there’s a recording of Kellyanne Conway threatening the reporter. And because she is Kellyanne Conway, she responded not by apologizing, but by claiming she didn’t threaten the reporter the whole world heard her threaten, because I guess words have alternative definitions now. It must be liberating, when you get to the point where no one expects anything you say to make sense.
Redactor General William Barr’s Inspector-Gadget-But-More-Fascist inquiry into the origins of the Russia probe, which is, again, based on lunatic conspiracy theories picked out of Sean Hannity’s post-meth-binge vomit, is now apparently a criminal inquiry. What are the alleged crimes? Oh, we’ll decide that later, after the show trials and executions, don’t be silly. Why, precisely, we’re trying to discredit an investigation that revealed details of a foreign attack on our country is a question for another day.
Speaking of foreign election meddling, Tulsi Gabbard announced she will not be seeking re-election to her House seat, so that she can spend more time bashing Democrats on Carlson and Hannity because she’s totally seeking the Dem presidential nomination and not engaged in a pro-Trump rat-fucking op designed to peel off juuuuuust enough Rust Belt voters to swing the electoral college again. (I generally try to avoid attacking Democrats in this blog, and I don’t believe I’m doing that here. GET IT?)
Betsy DeVos has been held in contempt of court, because she just couldn’t stop herself from oppressing the serf class on behalf of her crooked oligarch chums in the for-profit “education” sector, even though she had been specifically ordered to cut that shit out. Isn’t it fun to live a country where the lady who owns ten yachts and still won’t stop stealing money from working people isn’t even one of the top three most horrifying cabinet secretaries?
Not with Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo around, anyway. Mike didn’t really make any major news this week, but I wanted to make sure you saw this op-ed from my old hometown paper, you’ll dig it.
John Bolton, genocidal mustache dripping with spittle and gore of unknown origins, is negotiating with the impeachment inquiry about maybe giving a little deposition. Now, Johnboy’s whole worldview has been shaken by his former employer, who has managed to launch a bloody Middle East war, which is usually Bolton’s most favoritest thing in the whole wide world, but dammit, he’s doing it wrong! And so, like sneaking a couple of rabbit turds into the chocolate chip cookie batter, Wee Don is ruining the one thing Bolton has unconditionally loved his entire life, and thus, his vengeance will be swift. Or not. I’m not counting on John Fucking Bolton for SHIT, y’all, he’s a fucking dirtbag.
Facing criticism for their role as chief dispenser of the disinformation poison currently fucking up all human civilization, the nihilist nerd capitalists over at Facebook have decided to place fucking Breitbart, aka the Digital Equivalent of a Klan Pamphlet Left in a Porta Potty at a Toby Keith Concert, on a list of “trusted” news sources. One of the truly catastrophic accidents of human history was the unexpected installation of a sexually-frustrated manchild with no qualifications or moral compass as the planet’s leading media gatekeeper. Hope humanity survives the fallout.
Meanwhile, Fat Q*Bert continues to absolutely trounce the predecessor he so despises, in metrics such as Days Golfed, Acts of Terror Inspired, and yes, Deficits Exploded. 984 BILLION? Jesus fuck, Dotard! “Elect a businessman president,” they said. “It’ll be great for the economy,” they said.
And the Farthuffin’ Fascist spoke at historically black Benedict College in Columbia, South Carolina, which may seem like a highly out-of-character venture outside the safe spaces to which he usually restricts his visits, until you learn that the Shart House controlled the guest list, and only seven students were actually allowed to attend. See, we’re “human scum,” and all, but he’s also piss-his-pants terrified of being in a room that isn’t it overwhelmingly dominated by his supporters.
You know you’re in trouble when your own long-suffering ass turns on you, and that’s how far America’s Most Treasonous Cousin-Fucker has fallen. Hey, if you think it’s funny that Rudy Giuliani butt-dialed a reporter, you’ll laugh YOUR ass off when he dies in federal prison. It’s ok, Roo-Roo, I’m sure they’re blowing up your buddies’ safes just to prove how super-duper-innocent you are.
A federal judge ruled that Do”J” must turn over grand jury materials from the Mueller investigation to House Democrats, a blow to the administration, which would much rather keep the evidence of their crimes secret, so as to avoid consequences, thank you very much. This comes just days after a different court ruled the State Department must turn over documents relating to Rudy’s Excellent/Treasonous Ukraine Adventure, so I guess even Mitch McConnell isn’t stacking the federal bench quick enough to keep his Turd Emperor out of trouble. Good.
Ok, that’s enough. I’m gonna go ahead and drink until I stop thinking about Rudy Giuliani’s ass. I deserve that much.
*Shower Cap’s Blog possesses no anti-terrorism properties whatsoever. Side-effects of Shower Cap’s Blog may include dizziness, nausea, and screaming WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY COUNTRY so loud that the neighbors call the police.
**It would have to be an axe with a special grip so his wee hands could hold it, but still.
This is Totally Not Mitt Romney's Secret Blog, WINK WINK (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Hey there Shower Captives, apologies for missing our longstanding Monday night date; sometimes even bathrobed superheroes need a mental health day, and anyway, I knew the Screeching Madness Void would be right there waiting for me when I came back, it’s not like shit’s getting any less cray out there. Let's do this.
(And yes, as always, if you wanna see this post, only with helpful news links, click on over to: http://showercapblog.com/this-is-totally-not-mitt-romneys-secret-blog-wink-wink/)
Probably the first time you ever heard of Republican Congressthing Francis Rooney was last week when he said he could kinda maybe sorta support impeachment, and the second time was one short day later, when he announced his retirement. “My first halting steps towards basic human decency and belief in the rule of law obviously render me entirely incompatible with my political party, which now serves solely as a shield for an organized crime ring,” Rooney proclaimed, before spinning, counterclockwise, three times, chanting “I am anathema”, spitting on a copy of one of Bill O’Reilly’s novels, and accepting the ritual Excommunication Wedgie from Kevin McCarthy.
Headlines tell us Redactor General William Barr is expanding his investigation into, and let’s be completely honest about this, long-ago debunked, squirrel-poop-nutty, conspiracy theories about the origins of what would become the Mueller investigation, which are, here in the real fucking world, publicly known. It’s like calling for a probe of all the trees in the forest, in search for undocumented, cookie-making, elves, ten minutes after you toured the floor of the Keebler factory.
With Andrew McCabe, we've already seen Bronco Billy's Do”J” toy with openly fabricating charges, and he's been touring the world asking foreign governments to provide evidence for something known to be completely fake, but I'm sure he doesn't spend his days fantasizing about just forging incriminating documents, right? I’m probably worrying too much; it’s not like we’re talking about the sort of people who would withhold foreign aid in exchange for fabricated dirt on domestic political foes or anyOH HANG ON.
Barr is also said to be targeting former CIA Director James Brennan, at his scumfuck boss’ insistence, in a not-at-all-terrifying attempt at retribution against a respected law enforcement official for, y’know, actually enforcing the law rather than bending it to a narcissistic sociopathic wannabe tyrant’s demented will. Crooks hate cops, obviously, but maybe crooks shouldn’t be allowed to appoint their own cops, not to get all controversial on ya.
Basically, Attorney General Barr appears to be spending his days doing everything in his distressingly-substantial power to turn the United States of America into a fascist nation, under the tiny-fisted rule of Donald Trump, and honestly, I can’t say I’m a fan.
The Velveeta Vulgarian stands accused of flipping the bird at two female astronauts who gently fact-checked him in front of the whole world (no, he can’t even accomplish something as simple as a congratulatory phone call without fucking it up, for he is a failure at all things great and small), but I dunno, I think he’s earned the benefit of the HAHAHAHAH had you going for a moment, didn’t I? Anyway, fuck him for the treason and the concentration camps and the dumbass trade war, but fuck him for this, too.
Despite having watched numerous Merchant/Ivory films and several seasons of Downton Abbey, I’ll still be fucked six ways from Sunday if I can figure out what’s going on with Boris Bonehead and his Blundering Brexit Brigade. I did like the bit where he was required by law to seek an extension from the EU, so he sent the letter but refused to sign it, because right-wing populism is 98% about being a petty bish.
Coming to theatres this Xmas, Mick Mulvaney in...The Jag Who Knew Too Much! Yes, the Jerk of All Trades is on the hot seat, on account of his “Hellz YEAH we extorted Ukraine and are there any other crimes you'd like us to confess to? Seriously just go through the Unsolved Mysteries tape library, we did ALL that shit” press conference, but some members of Team Treasonweasel’s ever-shrinking inner circle are worried he’d make a dangerous enemy, on account of having had a front row seat to all the crimes and whatnot.
Fearing that the decision to award himself a fatty no-bid contract to host the G7 summit at his Miami Carnival of Gaucheness/General Shithole would prove to be the one-block-too-many that would finally topple his Jenga Tower of Crime into a pile of bipartisan support for impeachment and removal, the Candycorn Skidmark backed down, but not without a Hungry-Man-sized portion of whinging victimhood on the way out.
Mulvaney suggested Il Douche’s instinctive impulse towards corrupt self-enrichment manifested simply because “he still considers himself to be in the hospitality business,” as though such a thing would be some sort of charming foible, rather than a worrisome combination of irresponsibility and mental decline. “Sometimes he likes to pretend he's a puppy during his security briefings, and if the Joint Chiefs won't scratch his belly, he'll just shit right there on the floor. And guess who gets to clean THAT up?”
Look, I know you bleeding-heart libtards have hurt fee-fees over Hairplug Himmler abandoning the Kurds to Turkey's murderous ethnic cleansing campaign, but it was a necessary sacrifice, in order to bring the troops home from Syria!
And by “home,” I mean Iraq.
And by “home” I also mean Saudi Arabia, where they'll guard the Saudi royal family's financial interests, as little more than mercenaries.
Oh, and “home” also seems to mean “other places in Syria,” because we'll risk American lives for oil fields, but not for faithful allies.
The Kurds are, understandably, rather displeased at being abandoned to the slaughter, responding to Tangerine Idi Amin’s betrayal with precisely the anger you’d expect; I guess there's just something about children with chemical burns from white phosphorous that pushes politeness down your priorities list a few spots.
But Marco Rubio will not tolerate such insults to the treacherous American empire! Can't you just be ethnically cleansed in respectful silence? Anyway, if there's a Bible quote about manners-shaming a long-oppressed people facing genocidal violence after getting backstabbed by those they’d bled alongside for years, I'm sure Marco will have tweeted it out by the time you read this.
Seems Hillary Clinton burrowed so deep under Tulsi Gabbard's skin that Bashar al-Assad's favorite “Democrat” went back on Tucker Carlson's White Power Hour to whine n’ moan some more about the insidious anti-Tulsi conspiracy, blah blah blah. If I were Gabbard, I’d address this conspiracy at its roots, because there absolutely are nefarious forces preventing her ascent to the Democratic presidential nomination; her horrifying anti-gay record, her long history of promoting murderous dictators, and, oh yeah, her disturbing tendency to lend support to white nationalist television hosts. The conspiracy is YOU, Tulsi. Kindly go away forever. (PS please donate to her primary challenger, who is actually, y’know, a Democrat.)
Turns out Mitt Romney has been maintaining a secret lurker twitter account, under the name, “Pierre Delecto,” to experiment with thoughts and comments he’s too scared to utter publicly, from his day-job perch as a (checks notes) United States Senator, and I’m starting to think we maybe don’t keep our elected representatives busy enough. Willard has been a pretty good sport about it, most likely because reporters have yet to discover his third account, which he uses primarily to accumulate material to satisfy to his anime character foot fetish.
(If you're curious, no, I am not Mitt Romney, you only THINK you hear the telltale echoes of the caps from beer bottles periodically clinking in the corner of a car elevator.)
And the Marmalade Shartcannon did one of those creepy televised Cabinet "meeting" things he’s so fond of, where the various secretaries take turns fellating him (Ben Carson is no Reince Priebus in that department, but he tries his best), and then he whines and lies and brags about things he hasn’t actually done. Highlights this time included an attempt to paint Obama as Hawt 4 Kim Jong-un, who just wasn’t that into him (but loves him some dotard), and also the bit about the “phony Emoluments Clause” which is not even slightly phony, and is in fact much more real than, for example, his Big Dumb Border Wall. Anyway, the journey from where we are today to “you and your phony freedom of speech” or “this so-called right to a fair trial” is terrifyingly short, even accounting for rush hour traffic.
Justin Trudeau was re-elected as Prime Minister of Canada, though now in a coalition government. At least Melania has something she can look forward to, assuming there’s another summit or two before her crime family gets evicted from the People’s House.
And everybody’s mad that Government Cheese Goebbels compared his imminent impeachment to a “lynching.” It’s especially upsetting since his situation is really the opposite of lynching; he’s committed a fuckton of crimes, and there’s an angry mob of racist white people trying to help him get away with everything.
Lindsey Graham, predictably, has his Turd Emperor’s back on the whole “despicable lynching analogy” thing, and don’t you sometimes wonder whether or not Shart Garfunkel ever lashes out like this just to watch his pet Senators jump through hoops? “He said asking for his tax returns is worse than the Holocaust?” whimpers Graham, “By golly Adam Schiff is running a gas chamber over there in the House!”
Wins have been hard to come by for Team Shart since the Midterm Blue Wave Electoral Spanking, so they’re reduced to using the full force of the White House communications shop to trumpet their heroic triumph over the New York Times and the Washington Post, as they defiantly cancel their subscriptions! When they write the history books, surely this courageous episode merits a whole chapter.
Heh. Wonder if WaPo’s “season of weakness” piece had anything to do with Donnie Dotard’s sudden fury? Look, just because the cheap thug dictator of a fifth-rate power like Turkey threw your juvenile, ketchup-stained, letter in the trash and chased the U.S. military out of Syria so damn fast we had to double back to bomb our own bases doesn't mean you're weak, does it?
As support for impeachment and removal grows by the day, President Crotchrot probably thinks they should be polling more ISIS fighters, since they’re basically the only group that actually approves of his recent actions. The U.S. manufacturing sector may be in recession, but the apocalyptic terror cult business is booming, bay-bee!
What do you get for the autocrat who has everything? Somebody else’s hard-won homeland, apparently. Yes, Russia and Turkey are merrily, publicly, divvying up the Syrian region recently occupied by the Kurds, while the U.S. military retreats in shame. And it ain’t even Vlad’s birthday.*
With all the blather about “bringing the troops home” exposed as restaurant-quality horseshit, it turns out the United States got significantly less than nothing out of this “deal,” basically the Manchurian Manchild woke up one morning and decided to strengthen several of our nation’s rivals and enemies for...fuck, we don’t even know why, do we? It’d almost be comforting to find out Erdoğan bribed him with piss hookers and cold fast food; that’s a vastly preferable alternate narrative to “blithering nincompoop destabilizes Middle East on turd-brained whim,” because these are the sorts of evaluations we’re forced to make, here in Hell.
Well, the acting U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine testified before the impeachment inquiry today, and if you want to know how it went, just give “William Taylor damning” a quick google. In a 15-page opening statement and follow-up testimony, Taylor said there was enough quid pro quo to fill up Donnie Two-Scoops’ ridiculous balloon pants, so much quid pro quo even Dr. Ronny Jackson couldn’t pretend there was merely 239 pounds of it.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor held up military aid to a vulnerable ally on the condition that the fucking PRESIDENT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY go on television to give a public statement saying his government was opening an investigation into I.B.N.** Dirty fucker shoulda waited until after the Syria thing, just to show how willing he is to abandon allies to foreign takeover.
There’s no place left for the goalposts to go, kids. You would need to travel beyond the confines of the known universe to plant the goalposts now. We have established quid pro quo, even though that was never necessary to prove a crime, or an impeachable offense, had been committed. We have a criminal conspiracy, headed by the President of the United States, to illegally use to powers of the federal government for personal, political, gain. It’s not in dispute. And I don’t know what’ll be more fun about what happens next; watching the GOP contort themselves and the law in search for some excuse for this shit, or the crimes the Grand Wizard Grifter attempts once he sees they'll let him get away with anything.
Oh, I guess our old chum the Anonymous Op-Ed Writer is writing a whole dang anonymous book, dishing on Shart House secrets like which West Wing chairs have been ruined by Littlefinger’s anal leakage, and how Stephen Miller eats by first vomiting up a viscous, acidic, substance that dissolves his food, which he then absorbs through his porous forehead. Once the shitshow is finally over, I’m told this suddenly-prolific author is looking to take up anonymous landscape painting in retirement.
In addition to not being Secretly Willard Romney, I’m also not Secretly The Anonymous Op-Ed Writer, for the record. I might be Secretly Harry Reid's cat though, that'd be sweet. And I am most certainly Not-So-Secretly Tired of All This Shit and Desperately in Need of Beer Now, so it’s time to sign off for the evening. Take care of yourselves, Resisters!
*...is it? I didn’t check. I’m fuckin’ lazy
**Imaginary Biden Naughtiness
Pre-Order my New Album, "High Crime Confessions & Jokes About Bone Spurs" on Spotify (Ferret/SC)
Grim shit out there this week, Resisters. The news is all high crimes, ethnic cleansing, and adorable bunnies, and my apologies, cuz I lied about the bunnies. Maybe keep a website with bunny videos open in another window while you read this.
(Yes, this post is available, with nifty news links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/pre-order-my-new-album-high-crime-confessions-jokes-about-bone-spurs-on-spotify/)
Well, the impeachment inquiry has set up a nice little assembly line, moving various State Department officials through to give their damning testimony, saying yuh huh the whistleblower was right about everything and yuh huh Rudy Giuliani was running a shadow foreign policy/extortion ring in Ukraine and nuh uh we didn't like it. Fiona Hill, George Kent, and Gordon “sorry for all the crimez, please don't arrest me” Sondland, all had a turn, and Adam Schiff says he's go so much evidence he's tired of evidence, and we may not even need to hear from the famous whistleblower after all.
Shart House trade adviser Peter Navarro has always had trouble finding experts to back up his economic theories, because those theories are wrong and stupid and bad, so he made up his own, a stylin’ gent by the name of Ron Vara, which you'll notice is an anagram of “Navarro.” If you happen to see a commenter on this blog, going by, say, “Chaw Ropes,” lavishing praise upon the author, that is, I assure you, mere coincidence.
Things in Syria are going about as well as you'd expect, in the aftermath of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's reckless, impulsive, decision to let Putin and Erdoğan take the region out for a genocidal joyride. How much patriotic pride do you feel, watching Russian troops snicker as they move into our hastily-abandoned bases, eating our leftovers and using our old Smashing Pumpkins CDs for coasters? Shit, we'll need a whole new verse in The Star-Spangled Banner for this stuff.
Don't worry, though, the Russians didn't get everything; in at least one instance, we actually bombed our own base, to prevent the new tenants from using it. How's that for an excellent, efficient, use of your tax dollars?
Shart Garfunkel dispatched the Mediocre Mike Mob (Pence and Pompeo) to smooth things out, and Erdoğan went, “Mmmmmm, nah, I'm not meeting with those insignificant twerps.” I'm sitting here trying to imagine how Hillary Clinton would've reacted to a ninth-rate thug bigtiming her Vice President like that, knowing he would never, in a billion years, dare to try, lest she rip his spine out through his right testicle, anyway, America is more respected than ever, yadda yadda yadda.
Terrible news for Rudy Giuliani, as pretty much every single person he's worked with for the last year or so got arrested this week. Like, Rudy was feeling stressed, and he swung through the Mickey D's drive-thru for a quick McRib infusion, and they arrested the kid who took his order, just to be on the safe side. Y'see, the FBI investigation into Roo-Roo's various acts of fuckery and naughtiness includes a counterintelligence probe, so maybe all that boasting about not needing a lawyer was a smidge premature.
(Yes, the Icon of Incest's lawyer quit this week, because really, what's the point in mounting a futile defense when your client’s only chance is snagging that one last pardon before the whole crooked enterprise collapses into a sloppy pile of treason, impeachment, and overcooked steaks?)
Rudy's looking more and more like the busiest man in crime, and isn't it inspiring to see a late-in-life career change work out so well? I might need a special, regular, segment, just to keep up with all the malfeasance. We'll call it “Cousin Rudy's Crime Corner!”
For starters, looks like Rudes took half a million bucks from his recently-arrested associates’ now-famous company, “Fraud Guarantee.” For what? God knows, the check just says “skullduggery.”
Oh, and he was involved in a scheme to get racketeering charges against a fellah named Dmitry Firtash dismissed in exchange for that much-coveted Biden dirt (he just wants it for the spice garden on his back deck, honest). You may be asking yourself, “I wonder if this Firtash fellow is a shady oligarch connected to Russian organized crime?” and if you are, I would point out that that's an exceptionally lucky guess. Oh, and Dmitry is currently fighting extradition to the United States in...Vienna, a surprisingly popular destination for members of the Giuliani Syndicate these days.
Plus, he tried to secure a visa for that one crooked Ukrainian prosecutor, so that he could tour our nation's majestic national parks, maybe take in a Broadway musical, and also make up shit about Joe Biden. Anyway, see you next week on...Cousin Rudy's Crime Corner!
Checking in real quick with Th’Best People, meet “Magus Incognito,” Sharty McFly's latest appointee to the Commission on Presidential Scholars. Magus (ok, it's a pen name, but I hope he has it engraved on the door, just to accentuate the insanity) writes looney shit about Masonic Illuminati Power Secrets, and your President figured he oughta be in charge of passing out prestigious awards to high school students. Cool.
The House overwhelmingly voted to tell Hairplug Himmler “Hey Stop Fucking Up Syria, You Barely-Sentient Taintfungus,” with a bunch of Republicans joining in, because as awesome as the stochastic terrorism and concentration camps have been, Making Isis Great Again seems to have been a bridge too far.
Rand Paul blocked the Senate's version of the resolution, probably because he wants to add language appropriating funds to buy every escaped ISIS fighter a one-way ticket to the Western Hemisphere, because when you ask Rand to choose between national security and self-aggrandizing stunts, the outcome is never really in doubt.
Still, Il Douche didn't handle the bipartisan rebuke well, exploding at Nancy Pelosi during a White House meeting, like a plastic trash bag that had finally, after valiantly straining for as long as it possibly could, simply been stuffed with too much shit.
Which brings us to the LETTER. Yes, that letter. The one that reads like a third-grader wrote, or rather smeared it, in his own vomit, on the inside of some public restroom stall door. Literally everyone, from your Facebook friends to the most seasoned political reporters in Washington, initially assumed it was fake, because even Donnie Dotard couldn't be that dumb/rude/nuts, right? Amazingly, the public discovered this letter not because it was leaked by a concerned whistleblower, but because Fat Q*bert himself distributed it to lawmakers in this meeting as proof of his “toughness” with Erdoğan, which would be a bit like submitting a cellphone video of a violent bout with gastrointestinal distress as your audition tape for American Idol.
The meeting went downhill from there, which is kind of impressive, considering the starting point. Yes, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops threw quite the tantrum, calling Pelosi a “third-rate” (or possibly “third-grade,” such is the unbridgeable gap between the two parties) politician, until Dems in the room got tired of smelling the rapidly expanding puddle of pee at the base of his chair, and walked out.
Being an idiot, Littlefinger quickly tweeted out a photograph of Nancy handing him his own ass on a plate, because he imagined it depicted her as “unhinged,” rather than as “the single baddest muthafucka in town,” as it quite objectively does. Between the photo and the fuckin’ letter, I'm starting to think his reputation as a messaging genius might be a bit overblown.
Taking a little break from the exhausting work of enabling genocide and collecting impeachable offenses like Pokémon, the Manchurian Manchild hatched a little plot to spin one family's grief into a “See, I'm Totally Not a Sociopath” photo op, only to run into the inevitable difficulties that arise from being an absolute sociopath. The stable genius really thought a pair bereaved British parents would be totally delighted at his surprise offer of a sudden meeting with the diplomat's wife who killed their son in a automobile accident, then fled the country to escape consequences. “Or, if you'd rather avoid that emotional trauma, you could risk it all to take what's behind door number two!” Lord. Can I just say that life here in the extended Twilight Zone episode where we're all at the mercy of the ever-shifting whims of a demented game show host absolutely fucking sucks.
ProPublica got ahold of some of the Candycorn Skidmark's tax documents, and if you had wagered that those documents contained no evidence of any crimes whatsoever, you would've lost your fuckin’ money. Kinda reminds me of that enormous, meticulously-researched, New York Times deep dive into his long life of financial crimes, and just imagine the world of hurt awaiting that fuck when the office of the presidency isn't shielding him from legal consequences anymore; you'll have prosecutors lined up, taking numbers like at the meat counter.
In the midst of all of President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster's crimes and betrayals, House Republicans are trying to censure Adam Schiff, for, um, heroically defending the United States from lawless tyranny or something. I guess when your party has to rely on foreign assistance to gain power, the only logical conclusion is that patriotism is bad. Actually, I was at a baseball game a couple weeks back, and while I was singing along with the national anthem, Mark Meadows kidney-punched me and stole my wallet.
Figuring the best way to fight impeachment is to just keep committing crimes until the country's entire law enforcement apparatus is overwhelmed, Team Treasonweasel announced that next year's G7 summit would be held at one of the Marmalade Shartcannon's shithole golf resorts, because he's gonna need all that sweet emoluments cash to spend in the prison commissary, they sell ketchup and pornography, right?
At the very same press conference announcing this massive act of naked corruption, Jerk of All Trades Mick Mulvaney decided to give Adam Schiff and the Impeachment Inquiry (a fantastic band, by the way, they do an excellent cover of “I Fought the Law and the Law Won.”) a helping hand by confessing, live on television, to the most serious allegations in the Ukraine scandal, namely quid pro quo regarding the Quest to Prove the Bidens are Vampire Communist Terrorist Perverts or Something. Expect Mick to someday claim that since he wasn't read his Miranda rights before the press conference, nothing he said is admissible in a court of law.
Of his dirtbag boss’ unrepentant lawbreaking, Mulvaney merely sneered “get over it!” Hmmmmm...nah, I think we'll impeach the motherfucker instead, howbow dah?
Mike Pants is almost as good a negotiator as the Shart of the Deal himself. He sat down with the Turks, who said “we would very much like to continue our ethnic cleansing, you already said we could, no takebacks” but Mikey Hairshirt slapped the table and thundered, “That is absolutely unacceptable, sir! I must insist that I also be permitted to personally pick up your dry cleaning and give you a luxuriant foot massage!” and if the Turkish negotiators were able to suppress giggling in delight at how ready their American counterparts were to completely surrender, I salute their composure.
Mr. Pants had scarcely finished tweeting out “peace for our time” when the Turks resumed bombing, claiming they thought the negotiated ceasefire was for 120 seconds, not hours. Anyway, now they get to officially stamp “This Genocide Approved by the United States Government” on all the chemical weapons they're using on civilians, NEAT.
And Government Cheese Goebbels absolutely has Erdoğan's treacherous, murderous, back, dutifully parroting his anti-Kurdish propaganda talking points, selling his ethnic cleansing campaign like it was his daughter's latest line of knockoff handbags. Let me just say, seeing the words “ultimate solution” in one of that wannabe führer's tweets was not exactly comforting.
Lindsey Graham is out there trying to flatter and manipulate his old golfin’ pal into acting in America's interest for a change, and it might be funny if weren't so goddamn tragic.
Rick Perry, is really, truly, actually, quitting this time, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, or so we are told.*
Admiral William McRaven wrote what the kewl kids would call a “blistering op-ed,” denouncing the Offal in the Oval for "destroying the Republic,” which, McRaven claims, is a bad thing for president to do. Now, we're talking about the guy who got Bin Laden, here, so I can't wait for the QAnon crowd to start smearing him as a deep state pedophile traitor, which I assume they're already doing even as I type this.
Speaking of ultra-decorated military types, Jocular Jim Mattis told some jokes about bonespurs, while remaining tight-lipped about any treasons he may or may not have witnessed during his time in the Cabinet. You're not so special Jim, I'm the Meryl Streep of Drunken Morons Who Write Poop Jokes in Superhero Bathrobes. Anyway, awesome gags, Mr. Dog, how ‘bout you deliver a tight five to some House committees? Under oath, maybe?
And now Strawberry Shartcake is threatening to sue CNN for getting honest journalism all over his ridiculous elephant pants. Once again, we need a word for this awkward mishmash of sinister authoritarianism and laugh-out-loud legal incompetence...shit, maybe that word should be “trump.”
You could probably use a laugh right about now, so why not drink deep of the rage of the Cult45ers who bellowed and moaned about a deep state conspiracy to keep them from a rally in honor of their Turd Emperor, when the truth was that their payment for the busses they chartered simply bounced. Let that be a lesson to you, MAGAts; ‘ere ye go looking to increasingly insane conspiracy theories for answers, be sure to double-check that the problem isn't just that you're losers who suck at everything.
But there's always good news to be found, if you only dig around a bit. For example, the Florida GOP's deeply anti-democratic scheme to re-disenfranchise felons who have served their time via an insidious poll tax suffered a defeat in court today. That fight is really just getting started, but it's an encouraging early victory.
And the dam of GOP obsequiousness is startin’ to crack, just the tiniest bit. Mitt Romney has been walking upright like a regular vertebrate for several consecutive days now. Faint rumblings have begun emanating from Lisa Murkowski, which could indicate that she will behave as an American, rather than a blind Trump lackey. And even Florida Congressthing Francis Rooney can't seem to ignore it when Team Shart confesses right in front of the cameras. Hell, John Kasich came out as pro-impeachment today. The country could sorely use your help, folks.
Hillary Clinton was all over the news today, hammering the final nail in the coffin of the bullshit e-mail “scandal,” refusing to share a stage with child-torturing demoness Kirstjen Nielsen, and putting a boot (and frankly an entire pantsuited leg) up Tulsi Gabbard's ass. Good to see ya, Hilldawg.
And of course we lost Congressman Elijah Cummings this week. He was one of the great ones, as well as one of the truly good ones, if you take my meaning. After all he did for us over the years, I think we owe it to him to step into the void left by his passing; if a few million of us really work at it, we just might be enough to pull it off.
Ok, that's enough for one week, Shower Captives. Go get yourself a beer. Or some bunnies. Pick your poison.
*The editors cannot be held responsible if Perry has withdrawn his resignation by the time you read this.
Let's see...Russia, Iran, Syria, ISIS...All Great Again. America? No, You Don't Seem to be on the List.
Honestly, I'm still mostly shell-shocked from facing down the billion-headed hydra that was Last Week's News...and you're telling me there's more? Can't we all just agree to take a few days to crash on the couch, catch up on our shows and crafting projects, just...I dunno, sip some fuckin’ tea and smell some fuckin’ flowers? No? Dammit. Fine. Let's dive in...
(As always, you can find this post, with all those neat news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/lets-see-russia-iran-syria-isis-all-great-again-america-hmmmm-no-you-dont-seem-to-be-on-the-list/)
First, a correction. Many readers* objected to my depiction, in Friday night's blog, of the President of the United States as a “200 Pound Sack of Hippo Shit,” when he clearly couldn't dream of being merely 200 pounds of hippo shit on Dr. Ronny Jackson's drunkest day. I apologize for the error, and in the future I will strive to be more accurate in assessing the precise amount of hippo shit required to accurately depict the President.
Well, a very Merry Indigenous Peoples Day to you all, and don't even ask, because you already know President Crotchrot's campaign team marked the occasion by using an ethnic slur to attack Elizabeth Warren. Let it never be said they leave any opportunity to wave hello to their white nationalist base untapped.
Redactor General William Barr has had it with you kids and your rock music and tide pods, excuse me, I mean “tight pants.” Your horrible, “secular,” values of tolerance and equality are an existential threat to his belief system, which is mostly centered around the controversial “Donald Trump should be allowed to commit all the crimes” doctrine, initially put forth by St. Nobody of Neverfuckingexisted.
Mike Pompeo offered his own boorish musings on “being a Christian leader,” with darkly hilarious timing, even as his administration's actions led to the slaughter of women and children and the resurrection of an apocalyptic terror army. Anyway, I took a quick spin through the Bible over the weekend, and I couldn't find anything like “And then Jesus spake unto his disciples, and told them to go among the people and collect from them a tax, which shall then be presented to a serial sexual assaulter, that he may play golf at his leisure.” Maybe I missed something, I was skimming.
Barr and Pompeo are a regular theocrat Tweedlegoon and Tweedlethug, aren't they? It's a neat little grift the religious right has worked out with Team Treasonweasel; 100% of the sneering sanctimony of the performatively pious, without any of that pesky “being a good person” shit. Gather together for mass public displays of racist hate, mail pipe bombs to reporters, whatever; you can always adjust your Overflowing Outhouse God's doctrine to accommodate the new day's fresh sins.
In Pompeo's defense, he's probably still smarting from his brief encounter with an actual journalist, which he and his fellow cabal members rigorously avoid. If you look into Mikey's eyes when Nancy Amons holds him accountable for the sort of bullshit Fux Nooz propagandists would passively amplify, the thoughts percolating in that pea-sized brain are anything but “Christian.”
Obviously, the big news of the day is Sean Spicer's upcoming appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Hang on, I was looking at Dorito Mussolini’s Twitter feed, let me check in on what the actual media is saying.
Ah. Right. I suppose if I'd committed a historic foreign policy blunder, casting myself forever in the role of the Mrs. O’Leary's Cow of the Middle East, I'd rather talk about reality tv shows, too.
It's Putin's wettest dream made reality: what if the President of the United States was an easily-led, dime store hooligan with the intellectual capacity of three-day-old ham salad, who could be bought off with a fistful of shiny beads? An actual Russian figurehead, installed with the express purpose of weakening the United States, wouldn't be able to get away with nearly so much shit, but Donnie Dotard's famous incompetence enables him to go that extra mile, fuckin'-America-up-wise.
So, having been welcomed into Syria with hot towel and a fruit basket by the “leader of the free world,” the Turkish army and their allies are already committing war crimes. Openly boasting about assassinating Kurdish politicians. All the sorts of things you'd expect, when you reward a long-term ally's faithful partnership by delivering them into an ethnic cleansing campaign.
Abandoned by Trump (on Twitter, of course), the Kurds had nowhere else to turn but to the murderous Assad regime, so now the semi-autonomous Kurdish region will be divided up between Turkish and Syrian autocrats, to the endless delight of Russia and Iran. Why, when Putin was, as we have just learned, bombing hospitals a few short months back, he could scarcely have dreamt that his Personal Pet President would simply wander away one day, leaving a note on the fridge reading, “help yourself to the Middle East, keys're in the junk drawer.”
And the United States? Well, we’re retreating so quickly we're leaving “high-value” ISIS prisoners, or, in layman's terms, THE MOST DANGEROUS FUCKING TERRORISTS ON EARTH behind. Not to mention the 50 nuclear bombs Erdoğan is essentially holding hostage in Turkey. In short, we're weaker than ever, we gave away our interests and advantages in the region, and didn't get so much as a fucking challenge coin in return. The Shart of the Deal strikes again.
There are probably some serious bragging rights arguments going down tonight between Russia and ISIS, over who's benefited most from Hairplug Himmler’s treachery. I'd give the edge to the caliphate, which was on the brink of extinction before the President of the United States decided to hold a surprise recruitment drive on their behalf. Anyway, I think it's only fair that the newly-released jihadists agree to confine their inevitable future terror attacks to pro-Trump communities, but somehow I don't really expect an apocalyptic death cult to be so discerning. Anyway, I hope you, dear reader, are not the eventual victim of a Trump-liberated ISIS fighter's plot. Or a heavily-armed incel's mass shooting. Or any of the other insane roads to an early grave permitted/encouraged by the modern Republican Party.
Hellspawn Congressdemon Liz Cheney blamed the entire Syria debacle not on the out-of-his-depth dolt-in-chief who unilaterally gave the orders in defiance of all available advice, but on House Democrats for impeaching him because...well, that part wasn't particularly clear. Now, you may be inclined to laugh at Liz for spouting such patently ridiculous horseshit, but the truth is, the audience she's talking to doesn't need to hear anything beyond “Democrats are to blame” to giddily screech along in agreement.
Falling back on tried and true tactics from his real estate developer/white collar crook days, the Marmalade Shartcannon has been making sad, feeble, threats to sue Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff over...I dunno, something. Maybe he's seeking damages to cover the dry cleaning bills for all the ridiculous balloon pants he's ruined, pissing himself in terror at the latest round of subpoenas. Anyway, the House of Representatives isn't some small, family-owned, contracting business you can bully, and impeachment isn't an invoice you'd rather not pay, Fuck-O; if you didn't want to get impeached, you shouldn't have committed all those crimes.
Matt Gaetz, having apparently escaped his crate, wandered into the room where Fiona Hill was testifying before three House Committees, arguing that there was insufficient Mouth-Breathing Stooge representation in the room, whining that Schiff was a big ol’ meaniepants for not allowing him to sit in the back, flinging poo while shouting things he read on InfoWars. The Individual Wonder’s impeachment strategy seems to mostly involve trotting our snarling mediocrities like Gaetz and Gym Jordan to dishonestly whine about procedure, as though that will somehow make all the damning testimony irrelevant. Anyway, Matty got booted, which is pretty fuckin’ funny.
Actually, Adam Schiff's dance card is filling up so quickly, you'd think he was the protagonist in a Jane Austen novel. Michael McKinley had barely cleaned out his desk at Foggy Bottom before setting up his appointment with the impeachment inquiry. George Kent and Laura Cooper are testifying this week as well.
And then there's E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland, nervously observing the long arm of inevitable comeuppance as it plucks off members of Tangerine Idi Amin's inner circle, one by one, and suddenly singing a new song, saying, “when I told y’all earlier ‘no quid pro quo,’ there was actually a (tiny, inadequate) hand up my ass making me say that, I can't vouch actually for it and would very much like to not be prosecuted, thank you.” Drip, drip, fuckheads.
You'll never believe this, but Trump rallies apparently get even shittier when they're not broadcast live on television. It seems a gathering of Strawberry Shartcake’s scatmunching supporters at one of his tacky golf resorts featured a screening of a nasty little video clip, of doctored footage from the 1st Kingsman movie, depicting their Turd Emperor gleefully murdering perceived enemies like Maxine Waters, Black Lives Matter, and various news outlets.
Look, I get it. Your guy has failed to deliver on every promise. The wall is not built. The manufacturing sector is in recession. ISIS is resurgent. All he has to offer is enemies, and permission to dehumanize them to the point where violence is justified. And yes, the violent fantasy on display in this video is disturbing, but perhaps the greatest signifier of the disconnect between Trump supporters and reality is the notion that Fat Q*Bert could possible exert himself for more than half a second without collapsing into a wheezing pile of gelatinous goo, reeking of cold cheeseburgers and experimental hair tonic. Two different countries, folks.
And now I see Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops has announced some flaccid, slap-on-the-wrist sanctions against Turkey, for executing the very invasion he greenlit just one short week ago. Understand, these are MAGIC sanctions, which will resurrect the dead children, restore trust in America, and mystically transport allllllll the escaped ISIS prisoners back to their prisons, JUST KIDDING it's all theatre.
Anyway, I don't want to seem like a nag, but I think it's really weird that anybody anywhere is still siding with the guy who put a bunch of terrorists back on the streets. I'm curious as to how that isn't a deal-breaker. But then, I am a bleeding heart liberal cuck.
And to my fellow bleeding heart liberal cucks, I wish you a good night. Rest up, my friends, you'll be needed in the battles to come.
*I'm not kidding, I got like, ten different comments/e-mails about this.
Just Another Totally Normal Week of Totally Normal News, Here in Normaltown, USA! (Ferret/ShowerCap)
So, I was thinking of opening the blog tonight with a little joke like “slow news week, right?” which would be amusing because there was, in fact, a great deal of news this week. Get it? What I'm saying is, take a bathroom break now, and come back with snacks, because this motherfucker is gonna take some time.
(And yes, as usual, you can find this beast, with all those news links you know and love, at: http://showercapblog.com/just-another-totally-normal-week-of-totally-normal-news-here-in-normaltown-usa/)
The Senate Intelligence Committee released a bipartisan report concluding that when the Russians ratfucked the 2016 election, they ratfucked for thee, Donnie Dotard. Anyway, the Attorney General of the whole dang United States has been traveling the world, trying to get foreign governments to undercut these findings, which reflect those of our own intelligence community, based on a mind-bogglingly insane conspiracy theory, because cabinet secretaries waging war on law enforcement is just one of the many Extremely Normal and Cool things going on in the waking hell we call 2019.
Like all his businesses, the Trump Campaign is famous for not paying its bills. The latest grift is to stiff local governments on security costs for his hate rallies, and it looks as though they successfully bullied the Target Center in Minneapolis into eating those expenses, with a side order of Brad Parscale's shit. “Vote for the deadbeat who stiffs first responders” seems like a shaky reelection pitch, but I suppose Trumpism is 97% about being unapologetically shitty anyway, so why the fuck not?
Betsy DeVos has been living by the rules her whole life, (“You can't bulldoze that working class neighborhood just because you want a better view from your third yacht when it's moored, Betsy!” “Stop hunting the help for sport, Betsy!”) but now she's breakin’ out, like some sort of oligarch Thelma and/or Louise! Sure, she's violating a court order by continuing to collect student debt payments for the defunct n’ fraudulent Corinthian Colleges, but she's not gonna do what the MAN tells her to!
Facebook says it's super mega awesome for politicians to spread any lies they can dream up in their campaign ads, so long as they keep the money flowin', which is good for the Committee to Re-Elect the 200 Pound Sack of Hippo Shit, but not really ideal for democracy in our nation of two increasingly-divergent realities. Anyway, that means it's up to you to fact check Aunt Mertle back home when she shares that ad where they claim Diamond Joe drives a custom-built Prius that runs on puppy blood.
I suppose it was inevitable, given his fervor for information security, that Trey Gowdy would join the impeachment fight...on the side of the goons frantically concealing evidence of wrongdoing from the public on, you guessed it, a private server. Yeah, it seems Trey joined Team Treasonweasel's legal division, perhaps out of an eagerness to have his every public statement thrown back in his face as proof of the boundless partisan hackery he posses in lieu of a personal code of ethics. Ah, but Gowdy Doody can't start until January, on account of lobbying rules (something something drain the swamp), and the Candycorn Skidmark could be scrambling eggs in a prison kitchen by then.
When shit gets super-serious, when you're drowning in scandal, there's a little red box all Republican presidents install in the Oval Office that says “in case of impeachment, break glass” and inside the box is a secret proposal to make rich people even richer. Not because it'll help anything, but because the plutocrat donor class wants to make sure you do ‘em one last favor on the way out the door. Anyway, Team Kochpuppet wants to make it easier for corporations to hide profits overseas to avoid taxes, because populism.
Seems more and more like everyone, down to the mice in the White House ceiling, knew the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor was up to no good in his “hey congrats on the new gig, let's skip straight to the extortion” interactions with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, including “at least four national security officials,” as well as career employees at OMB, whose concerns were rewarded by having their authority over military aide transferred to a loyal political hack. Don't worry, Shart-Shart, I'm sure all these witnesses will go to jail for you before they talk to Congress.
Hey speaking of impeachment, recent Monmouth polling finds that 100% of current U.S. Presidents are pissing themselves so hard in fear of losing the desperately-needed legal protection of their office that their shoes are like little urine-filled water balloons. Indeed, Kid Kompromat ordered his lawyers to toddle down to the nearest zoo, scrape the shit off the walls of the monkey cage, spread it on official White House stationary, sign it, and send it to Nancy Pelosi, ideally hand-delivered by Lindsey Graham, just to remind him of his place. That explains the gonzo authoritarianism of the letter White House Counsel Pat Cipollone sent to House Democrats, suggesting the Founding Fathers were totally kidding about all that shit about “separation of powers” and “congressional oversight of the executive,” and yes, you can just copy and past this directly into an article of impeachment.
Former NSA H.R. McMaster responded to a reporter's question about whether or not it's appropriate for the President to conscript foreign governments into his reelection campaign with the “Fucking of course not, are you fucking stupid? Why would you even ask such a stupid fucking question?” that you'd expect from any second-grader who didn't pass out from paste poisoning during their American history class. Y'know, I bet ol’ H.R. has a story or two that Adam Schiff n’ friends would just looooooove to hear...
Entirely lost in the shitstorm of high crimes and misdemeanors, a new book alleges 43 previously unknown instances of Shart Garfunkel’s inappropriate behavior towards women, including 26 new charges of sexual assault, and yes, that's in addition to the dozens of accusations already out there. I think future presidential debates should address this; maybe the moderators could ask something like, “if someone were to document your lifelong record of sexual misconduct, would they need an ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING BOOK for that? Cuz we're ideally looking for someone in the Post-it-note-or-less category.”
Surprise, surprise, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan took Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot up on his offer to kick off his ethnic cleansing campaign without fear of consequences, by invading Syria, killing a bunch of civilians in air strikes, and utterly annihilating any chance of the USA ever being trusted again.
The "reasoning” Hairplug Himmler offered to justify our faithless abandonment of loyal allies had something to do with the absence of Kurds at Normandy. Sure. Whatever. Then he briefly instituted a new draft, solely for purpose of dodging it. As an additional Fuck You to the Kurds, the world, and the very concept of basic decency, the Yeah America is Evil Now Administration literally teamed with Russia to veto a U.N. Security Council resolution aimed at condemning Turkey's invasion.
Now, Littlefinger believes there will be no consequences for his treachery, claiming “alliances are very easy.” Old man, UMBRELLAS are too hard for you. Anyway, after shrugging off the potential release of the 12,000 ISIS militants the Kurds had been detaining because who cares, they'd just go to Europe, you couldn't assemble an international coalition to go halvsies on a Domino's Pizza and a two-liter of Grape Crush right now.
Since getting washed out of the Governor's mansion courtesy of the 2018 Blue Wave, the Wisconsin GOP has narrowed the scope of its ambitions substantially; these days the state party's platform consists mainly of “let's be a dick to this one guy,” a disabled Democratic Representative named Jimmy Anderson. Now, Anderson just wants to be able to call into meetings he can't make in person, which is a pretty damn reasonable request, but Wisco Republijags have decided to fuck with him instead, because they're terrible human beings. Lawyers got involved, pointing out that the jagoffs in question were violating the Americans with Disabilities Act, so they relented, but now they're trying to tack additional power grabs onto the rule changes, because, again, they are Lollapalooza outhouses.
So, Orange Julius Caesar has a reputation as a sociopathic monster with a fossilized buffalo turd for a soul, who cares only about himself, but maybe that's a little unfair. Turns out, not only was he doing everything in his power (and quite a few things that weren't, legally speaking) to squash investigations into his own criminal wrongdoing, but he also leaned on ol’ Rex Tillerson to shut down an investigation into one of Rudy Giuliani's clients, who had committed a small, harmless crime, merely (checks notes) violating American sanctions on Iran. See? He wasn't corrupting the entire American legal system just for his own benefit! He tried to give his crooked pals a (tiny, inadequate) hand, too! A friend indicted is a friend indeed!
More bad news in Rudytown, as he has now officially been sexually rejected by every living relative. Worse than that, a couple of his foreign-born “clients” got good n’ righteously arrested for various acts of election law fuckery, and for everyone at home, if there's any room left on your all-but-disintegrated Trump Crimez scorecard, President Crotchrot's personal lawyer has apparently been in business with some mobsters who've been illegally laundering Russian money into Republican politicians’ campaigns n’ PACs n’ fantasy football leagues.
As you've no doubt heard by now, the derpnamic duo's international web of shady endeavors included businesses named “Mafia Rave” and yes, “Fraud Guarantee.” Since those jokes write themselves, and we still have a fuckton of insanity to get through, I'm just gonna move on.
Did I mention Igor and Lev got arrested while attempting to flee the country on one-way tickets to Vienna? And I bet that looks suspicious to you paranoid liberals, but maybe they were just following their truth, impulsively indulging in a last minute trip to grab a little topfengolatsche in that charming cafe in the Währing district where they used to plot felonies together? Where's your sense of romance? Of adventure? You're so joyless, I honestly feel sorry for you.
(Naturally, with his partners arrested for various crimez, Rudy G is under criminal investigation himself, by the very office he once led, TEE FUCKIN' HEE. I don't want to get my hopes up, folks, but there's a package under the Xmas tree that looks suspiciously like Rudy Guiliani Getting Arrested and maybe Dad just put six pairs of socks in a box shaped like Rudy Giuliani Getting Arrested, but the waiting is fucking killing me.)
You're probably equally suspicious of the mysterious meeting between between Redactor General Billy Barr and Rupert Murdoch in Murdoch's New York lair, er, “home.” What if I told you it was merely two old friends, who can never find time to get together on account of how they're both super-busy fucking up the whole world all the time, but at long last they found a mutually free evening to finally finish the backgammon game they started back in 1991, which Rupert had faithfully preserved in his study lo these many years? I mean, I'd be lying my ass off, but what if I told you that anyway?
Barr's a regular ninja these days, whether he's sneaking around Europe looking to bully world leaders into providing “evidence” to back ridiculous conspiracy theories, using the maid's entrance to avoid reporters at the Chateau de Fauxnewz, or sneaking into Notre Dame to give a speech without any crowds of young patriots showing up to protest his treasonous ass, he's like Jowlsy, Shitty, Batman.
After his long-overdue eviction from the halls of Congress courtesy of Colin Allred and the Big Blue Wave, I'd hoped to never hear Pete Sessions’ name again, but since he's swept up in this sting of the Giualini Crime Syndicate, I'll allow it. Good luck on your comeback bit, you crooked fuck! Does the vote count for you if somebody writes in “Congressman 1?”
Oh, and Kevin “What if You Left a Jar of Mayonnaise on the Porch Overnight During a Heat Wave and then Made it House Minority Leader” McCarthy got caught accepting a fat stack of freshly laundered, snuggly soft Russian money, too? Jeeves! Bring me my fainting couch, quickly!
Well, he overlooked nearly three years of unceasing racism and law-breaking, a disastrous trade war, concentration camps full of children, dozens of sexual assault allegations, and repeated acts of open treason, but retiring GOP Congressthing John Shimkus has officially renounced the Emperor of Turds, with the Syria treachery as the apparent breaking point. Between him and Justin Amash, the Principled Congressional (Ex-) Republicans club is now large enough to hold (brief) thumb wrestling tournaments. Maryland's Republican Governor, Larry Hogan came out in support of the impeachment inquiry as well, and George Will of all people is one bad day away from leading a torches-and-pitchforks mob to Devin Nunes’ house.
Ain't no party like a Trump Trade War party cuz a Trump Trade War party crotch-punts the manufacturing sector into recession! Yes, and the incisive minds over at Politico have gone so far as to suggest this festering, self-inflicted, wound on the American economy might just hurt Donnie Two-Scoops’ electoral prospects in 2020. I could totally be a pundit if it weren't for the lamestream media's inherent bias against the masked-and-bathrobed.
Lindsey Graham is so good at making a treasonous ass of himself, it seems almost cruel to help, so let's help. Yes, it seems Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s Prize Poodle was the victim of a little prank call, in which he sympathetically discussed the “Kurdish problem” with a man he believed to be Turkey's minister of defense. Turkey's “Kurdish problem” differs from Hitler's “Jewish question” in that "Kurdish” and “Jewish” are spelled differently.
Other Senators are contorting themselves into increasingly cubist shapes to avoid answering the simple question, “should the President bully the entire global community into working on his campaign, or do laws still matter here?” basically “what would you do for a Klondike Bar,” only with ducking accountability to the public as the goal rather than ice cream nummies. Personally, I'll take tortured non-answers and awkward silence over obsequious water-carrying; and it sure is fun to watch craven stooges like Joni Ernst and Cory Gardner squirm. Even Jim Risch joined the party, reminding the world that yes, Idaho has a Senator, and he sucks a great deal.
Understandably needing to blow off some steam (treachery is hard work), Strawberry Shartcake took the night off to engage in the only hobby that still brings him any joy: getting a roomful of shitty white people together and belching up hate speech for an hour or so. Watching the doddering old shitbag rage against Somali refugees in a city containing one of the largest Somali communities in the country, you thought, “my God, we've been so focused on his corruption and incompetence lately, we'd almost forgotten about the seething white supremacy.” Oh, and he did a little bit where he simulated Peter Strzok, who lives rent-free in one of his nine remaining brain cells, coming to orgasm, because that's the sort of thing the President spends his day thinking about, instead of, say, international trade, which he still fails to understand.
That Klan rally high would prove to be short-lived, however, as a new day brought with it the news that he had lost his appeal to forever hide his tax returns in the deepest dungeon in all the land until a hero who is pure of heart should come forth to answer the dragon guardian's three riddles and release his real (and surely humiliating) net worth to the world via true love's kiss, because his “legal” arguments were always nothing but the purest grass-fed horseshit, anyway, TURN OVER THEM DOCS, scumbag.
But that legal nutpunch was just the warm-up for what would prove to be a daylong judicial jackhammer to the Trumpal scrotum. A federal judge ruled that the Sunny D-Bag could shove his pathetic Mitch-McConnell-rolled-me-on-wall-money-so-I'll-just-declare-a-state-of-emergency power grab straight up his ass, and his lawyers protested that there are already so many court defeats up said ass that he has to shit out of his ears, but the court was unmoved. Then he lost again, this time on his attempt to implement a rule designed to keep low-income immigrants out. Losers gonna lose, y'know?
Former Ambassador to Ukraine Marie L. Yovanovitch testified behind closed doors today, about how she was fired for being on the wrong side of the fight against corruption in Ukraine: she wanted less of it while President Gas Station Urinal Cake and his thuggish “lawyer” wanted more, so as to smear the Biden family for political gain and personal profit. Yeah, I don't think whining about the whistleblower not having first-hand knowledge is gonna get you out of this one, champ.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo's State Department tried to block Yovanovitch's testimony, and you can understand why, but she said unto them “Nah.” Similarly, former Russia advisor Fiona Hill, and E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland, who had earlier been blocked from testifying, have scheduled their own depositions. My sources tell me the Shart House is drafting a controversial executive order which would mandate all executive branch employees who testify before the impeachment inquiry to first Kiss Stephen Miller, Yes on the Mouth, for at Least a Count of Five, which I expect will deter all but the bravest and most patriotic.
The Bonespur Buttplug, consistent with his stated goal to decrease America's military footprint in the Middle East, is now deploying hundreds of new troops to Saudi Arabia, on the assumption that we're all so exhausted we'll go “fuck it, let the old bastard have this one." So, if you fought and died beside our soldiers to dismantle the ISIS caliphate, your reward is a bright red target on your back, but when it comes to the financial interests of the House of Saud, let the American blood flow!
Today in entirely predictable consequences, ISIS militants are already taking advantage of the chaos in the wake of the Turkish invasion to escape from their Kurdish prisons, so I guess Tangerine Idi Amin has the pro-terrorism vote locked up now. Can I just say, when the actions of the President of the United States lead, in just a few short days, to the release of MOTHERFUCKING ISIS FIGHTERS, I don't understand how anyone anywhere argues against impeachment. I know “hey, don't put terrorists back on the streets, dumbass” isn't explicitly in the Constitution, because Madison never thought America would be dumb enough to elect a tar-souled sociopath, but it's weird to me that anyone is still on this reckless idiot's side.
The Turkish military thanked the United States for their genocidal green light by...shooting at American soldiers. It happens. You know. Fog o’ war, whaddya gonna do, look, we really really really wanna slaughter these women and children, and if your troops got in the way, what can we say but “whoopsies” anyway back to killing women and children.
To the dismay of traitors everywhere, it seems that a wave of copycat whistleblowers is beginning to reach out to congressional Democrats with their own tales of treason, extortion, and probably Mick Mulvaney's habit of strangling girl scouts in the bathroom to relieve stress. Anyway, we request that all patriots seeking to save their country from a lawless tyrant please form an orderly line outside Adam Schiff's office.
Shepard Smith unexpectedly stepped down as Chief News Anchor and Managing Editor at Fux Nooz, either because he got tired of providing the veneer of credibility for the propaganda machine tearing this country apart, or because the Farthuffing Fascist can't tolerate even an hour or two of relative honesty on State Teevee, and pressured Fux to can him, what a fun scenario to ponder over the weekend. Anyway, Rupert, if you're looking for a replacement, have your people call my people*!
Once again, Comeupwithyourownfuckingnicknameatthispoint demanded to be hailed as Prince Among Presidents in declaring premature victory in trade talks with China, because apparently negotiators have maybe nearly arrived at a partial agreement, though nothing is written down yet, anyway, mint those challenge coins, boys, and tell the Nobel people to recall the awards!
Late Friday evening, Acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan resigned, but I had long since passed out by then. I've been unconscious for hours, actually. I have no idea how I'm even typing this, I think I'm fucking broken.
I can't believe you're still reading. This can't have been fun for you. Go. I release you. You're free. Spend time with your loved ones. Or drink alone. It's up to you. See you next week, Resisters, stay safe out there.
*cat
Turks Trick Trump, Transform Trust to Treachery (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, if you had “it'll get worse before it gets better” in your office pool, you won a bunch of money, cuz holy fuck, things're BAD out there, my friends. In my great and unmatched drunkenness, I shall attempt to guide you through this shitshow; safety most definitely not guaranteed.
(And if you want this post with all those helpful news links, it's a click away at: http://showercapblog.com/turks-trick-trump-transform-trust-to-treachery/)
Ron Johnson, hot off his “Oops I helped make the case for impeachment” interview with the Wall Street Journal, staggered out onto Meet the Press in an attempt to paper over his Turd Emperor's well-documented, publicly-confessed, crimes with a half-hearted regurgitation of conspiracy theories ridiculous enough to make Alex Jones roll his eyes*, only to run into the buzzshaw that is Chuck Todd 2.0. RoJo doesn't trust his own country's law enforcement agencies, but his faith in the comments section of patriotspooj.magapants is unshakable.
Snarling Incest Aficionado Rudy Giuliani is all in on the conspiracy theories, too, manically waving around printouts from fringe websites, loudly insisting they are actual affidavits. That's how confident this cabal is that their well-trained rube army will unquestioningly swallow any lie they're fed. And you know what? They're probably right.
Now, Rudy may be a traitor his nation, he may be a propaganda-spewing thug working to destroy everything that's good and true about the United States of America, but you have to hand it to him: he's one helluva multi-tasker! I mean, if you're going all the way to Kiev to strong-arm a vulnerable new government into fabricating dirt on your domestic political foes, why not tack on a side grift, helping your buddies muscle in on the Ukrainian gas business? Two crimes for the price of one!
Rick Perry woke up Saturday morning wondering, “shit, how'd this big fat honkin’ BUS wind up on top of me?” as the Pharaoh with Feeble Phalanges decided to engage in a rousing game of Pin the Scandal on the Energy Secretary. While Professor Smartguyglasses might not be responsible for the his boss’ impeachable misconduct, he certainly seems to have been a very naughty boy in his own right, prodding the new Ukrainian government to fill the board of their state-owned gas/energy company with powerful GOP donors, because let's face it, dividing the world up among the plutocrat class is what Republicans are for!
The Failing New York Times published an amusing little exploration of the moral devolution of former Never-Trump conservatives, such as Erick Erickson and Glenn Beck, who happily abandoned their so-called principles for money, and honestly not even that much money. Read it, if only to feel good about yourself for actually believing in things.
Did you see the fun little story about the Customs and Border Protection officer who menaced a journalist, refusing to turn over his passport until he “confessed” to writing “propaganda?” Friends, this is the behavior of an aspiring concentration camp guard, the petty tyranny of tiny, rage-contorted, soul, infected by President Crotchrot's anti-press rhetoric, delighting in the small bit of power delegated to him to abuse. And this hardly seems to be an isolated incident.
North Korea called off nuclear talks with the Shart of the Deal, and all America got was this lousy challenge coin. Sources say Kim Jong-un sent Trump a package containing some of Otto Warmbier's personal effects and a handwritten note which reads, “Hey, thanks for all those photos of me standing, side-by-side, as equals, with the President of the United States, in return for which I gave you not one thing beyond the fleeting, nonsensical, hope of Nobel Prize, I can't fucking BELIEVE you fell for that shit, anyway we're gonna go test some more missiles now, cuck!”
Seems Bronco Billy Barr is generating some backlash with his global Lie About the Mueller Investigation or Else tour, possibly even threatening America's most vital intelligence-sharing relationships. What's truly amazing is, this isn't anywhere near the biggest story today about this blundering flock of rectums blowing up relationships with our closest allies.
I don't think Boris Johnson has quite managed to make all of Great Britain tip over and fall into the sea yet, but it certainly doesn't hurt to check every hour or so.
Lawyers for Whistleblower the First announced that they are indeed now representing at least one additional whistleblower, and if Weehands McNodick isn't careful, these things’re gonna multiply like fucking tribbles. Yapping Fascist Sidekick Lindsey Graham says he'll force the whistleblowers, even if there're a thousand of ‘em, to reveal their identities and testify publicly, which is, of course, a violation of the laws that protect whistleblowers from retaliation, and it's maybe not a great sign that GOP Senators are already so giddy to ignore the law.
As for the whistleblower problem, with all due respect to Elizabeth Warren, Donnie Dotard has a plan for that, and that plan is to drastically reduce National Security Council staff in order to limit the number of potential witness to his his tele-crimes. Now, that's a move that only makes sense if you're willing to risk the security of the United States and all her citizens for you own petty, selfish, motivations, but you'd have to be a complete and total sociopath to...oh right.
Ongoing illegal coverup efforts notwithstanding, the Velveeta Vulgarian is allegedly worried about the effect of impeachment on his good name. Yeah, one more of the pimples on the leathery old man ass of your reputation has popped, adding its own uniquely foul dribble of pus to the tapestry of ooze, filth, and sweaty butt hair that is your “legacy.”
And so we continue our lonely wait for C'mon Just One Teeny Bit of Love of Country for Fuke's Sake from Senate Republicans. Willard Romney tweeted a couple of things suggesting he might believe the rule of law is at least kinda okay, and now Government Cheese Goebbels wants to impeach him and the station-wagon-with-a-dog-crate-on-top he rode in on, even though you cannot impeach Senators, but look, you can't expect a man who can't figure out how to close an umbrella to understand these things. Susan Collins and Ben Sasse are experimenting with standing up to treasonous tyranny, but their muscles have largely atrophied from inactivity, so they'll require a bit of rehab. Ohio's Rob Portman speaking out? Now THAT'S interesting.
House Democrats subpoenaed the Pentagon and the Office of Management and Budget for records pertaining to the Treasonweasel Administration's attempts to blackmail Ukraine with aid, in a move that highlights the conflict between my desire to be thorough, and the nigh-impossible task of saying anything even remotely amusing about this sort of procedural jousting.
Like the thing in New York, where a federal judge curb-stomped Shartolo Colon's bullshit lawsuit attempting to hide his tax returns, only to have a stay of the subpoena immediately granted by an Appeals Court. See? It's important, but it's just not funny. It's pretty good news that his “I'm above the law neener neener neener” argument got thoroughly crapped upon, though.
Still another judge ordered the Shart House to preserve all records of Fat Q*Bert's communications with foreign leaders, but he was wearing a really silly hat when he ruled, I promise.
Hey, I guess the Chinese government has veto power over Americans’ free speech rights, at least in the NBA, that's fun! Now, the crime spree based out of the West Wing seems like a bigger deal to me, but then, I am not Marco Rubio.
In another fun sign of how awesome things are in Donald Trump's Amerikkka, House Democrats are considering extraordinary measures to conceal the whistleblower's identity during his testimony, to prevent their Rethuglican colleagues from illegally leaking it to Tangerine Idi Amin's primed-for-violence zombie base. My forthcoming novel, Love in a Time of Stochastic Terror, will be available next spring, accompanied by an audiobook version voiced by infinite monkeys eternally shrieking.
Y'know, thinking about it for a bit, Strawberry Shartcake's legacy might not wind up being that of The Guy Who Got Impeached. Suddenly the obituary headline is looking more and more like He Was a Bugling Traitor Who Permanently Destroyed America's Credibility and Abandoned Her Closest Allies to be Slaughtered by a Genocidal Autocrat.
Yes, in the greatest betrayal of his seven decades of treachery, the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully held the door open for Turkey's Tayyip Erdoğan to invade northern Syria and butcher the Kurds, who have been fighting and dying alongside American troops for years. Yeah, thanks for the gallons of blood you've shed for us, but you didn't offer the Grifter Grand Wizard permission to build one of his tacky-ass buildings in your territory, so really, you had it coming.
Appalling as this is already is, it gets even worse. Earlier, the U.S. had successfully lobbied the Kurds to dismantle their defenses against the Turks, in favor of American guarantees of security. Got that? We tricked these people into unilaterally disarming, and then handed them over to their enemies on a fucking plate. The casual evil of that staggers me. No one will ever trust this country again. No one should.
Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what the Kurds had been doing to pass the time lately, well, they've been fighting ISIS, and holding 12,000 suspected terrorist prisoners, on our behalf. They won't have time for that now, what with the whole “staving off genocide” thing, so that means the terrorist caliphate gets a much needed breather, and time to recover, recuperate, and plot more terrorist attacks. I gotta admit, having a President who does pro-ISIS shit is kinda zany.
From all indications, this historic betrayal is the result of a single phone call, in which our perpetually-overmatched “master negotiator” caved completely to an authoritarian goon, casually abandoning America's every interest in the region, without consulting a single soul who might actually be able to tell their ass from a hole in the ground. Shit, Erdoğan probably just complimented the dolt on the turnout at one of his rallies, offered to have hookers piss in the bed Obama slept in when he visited in 2009, and then confidently provided the precise coordinates of the troops he wanted his trained dog to withdraw.
And so, with the public blessing of the President of the United States of America, today, the Turkish government began murdering the brave people who have been our loyal allies for so long, according to reports.
The President of the United States used the power of his office to deliberately harm national security, and benefit ISIS. Benefit Iran. Benefit Russia.
Suddenly, Republicans from Liz Cheney to Nikki Haley to Wrinkly Gamera himself have woken up and realized, “say, this Trump fellow is rather reckless!” Poor Lindsey Graham, who re-sells his soul daily, who chased millions of women permanently out of the GOP so Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet could have his precious SCOTUS pick, didn't even merit a phone call. He broke up with your policy by tweet, you pathetic stooge.
Unbelievably, in the middle of a day when he was taking bipartisan fire for doing Putin's bidding, the Kompromat Kid couldn't stop himself from checking another item off the Xmas list Vlad had hopefully mailed to Santa Trump, trying to pull the U.S. out of the Open Skies treaty.
Dear God in Heaven, can somebody IMPEACH THIS MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE HE GETS US ALL KILLED?
Yeah, it'd be pretty cool if we could take care of this clown before he figures out he can change the news cycle by raffling off nuclear warheads in downtown Damascus, but that would require Republicans to stand up to the hate mob they call their base, so I'm just gonna go ahead and start drinking now. Rest up, Resisters, you'll need every ounce of strength you can muster before this shit's done.
*If he could, though I'm told Jones will need to auction off his eyes to cover his legal fees.
The White House is a Moat Filled With Snakes and Traitors, and Even Chuck Todd Can See It (Ferret)
Fuck, y’all. This week. This fucking WEEK. If Churchill were alive today, he would devote the rest of his life to writing a sixteen-volume chronicle of just this week. And he wouldn't finish it, and his kid would take over the series after he died, while HBO turned it into a hit show which would eventually develop a hellaciously toxic fan base.
Anyway. Let's do this. (And yeah, you can find the post, with all those news links you know and love, here:http://showercapblog.com/the-white-house-is-a-moat-filled-with-snakes-and-traitors-and-even-chuck-todd-can-see-it/)
Tuesday morning, a mouse fell from the White House ceiling, right onto a group of reporters, because while God has a sense of humor, a rat would've been a little on the nose.
Boorish Thuglomat Mike Pompeo says he won't let mean ol’ House Democrats bully and intimidate any State Department employees, because that's HIS job, goddammit, with reports of threatened retaliation for any stoolies who cooperate with the investigation into his traitor boss’ treasonous treachery. Look, justice ain't gonna obstruct itself, okay?
President Gas Station Urinal Cake, who required two years of shaming before he'd devote one single tweet to mark LGBTQ Pride Month, needed no prompting whatsoever to celebrate 70 years of oppressive communist dictatorship in China. Of course it wouldn't be long until we'd learn just why he's so eager to kiss autocrat ass these days...
Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue popped up at the World Dairy Expo in Wisconsin to tell all the serfs “small farms are for CUCKS, you're all gonna get sucked up by big factory farms, learnt to love it, by the way no, we're not taking the trade war boot off your necks any time soon, eat shit, vote Trump!” and the pure, unfiltered, populism emanating from this administration is positively blinding, isn't it?
So, the Most Depressing Poll Imaginable revealed that 6 out of 10 Republicans don't believe Sharty McFly brought up Smilin’ Joe Biden in that infamous, mega-illegal, call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, despite the Shart House's own transcript volunteering the proof that he did. That's how deep the brainwashing runs, folks; not just readily swallowing lie upon lie, but purging your own memory of any inconvenient details you may've stumbled across with your own two eyes. It's not that he could shoot somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue, it's that if he did, his zombie base would insist that although he didn't shoot anybody, the victim totally deserved it because they were a deep state liberal plant, and also there's no such place as 5th Avenue.
Geraldo Rivera, whose long career as a public idiot has made him one of the most trusted voices in the right wing media jagoffosphere, made an uncharacteristically intelligent observation: that the difference between Trump and Richard Nixon is, Nixon didn't have a shameless stooge in the media, eager to spread any lie or conspiracy theory on his behalf, while Donnie Two-Scoops has Sean Hannity! Yes, Geraldo seems to be lamenting the fact that Tricky Dick was held accountable for his crimes, which may seem odd to you and me, but defending treasonous felonies is just part of the membership dues in the modern Republican Party.
If you were pitching the Trump presidency to a movie studio as a work of fiction, you'd say, “think Hitler, but dumb.” And then you'd describe the scene where the Fascist Farthuffer orders his underlings to supplement his Big Dumb Border Wall with a moat filled with snakes and alligators, and watch the producers’ eyes light up as they realize, “yes, that is precisely the sort of thing Hitler would do if he were very, very, very, dumb.” And now that you'd have their attention, you'd reel ‘em in by telling ‘em when his very stable genius idea to shoot migrants turns out to be illegal (because murder is still against the law, at least for now), he suggests just shooting them a little bit, in the legs, “to slow them down.” If I may so bold as to make a small suggestion; the next president shouldn't be a bloodthirsty maniac.
(One of the ways you can tell we all live in Hell is how periodically the Individual Wonder will brag about how much wall is getting built on the very same day the government issues an official statement confirming that the wall remains fully imaginary.)
And Unhinged Rat-and-Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani sure has been racking up the frequent flier miles in his manic quest to blackmail the government of Ukraine into saying Joe Biden killed Kennedy, Jesus, and Seth Rich with bare hands and also totally shoplifts gum, even though he can obviously afford gum, just for sick thrill of it. He's running a shadow foreign policy operation. He's hand-crafting bullshit statements and forcing them into world leaders’ hands. He's even developed his own little packet of malicious misinformation; a sort of bizarro, tooth-decay-encrusted, Steele Dossier. For extra hubris, the treacherous old fuck is actually forging White House logos to lend an aura of authority to his propaganda.*
Of course, Team Treasonweasel isn't just colluding with foreign nations, but with with imprisoned American felons! Yes, Rudy has recruited Pardon-Hungry Paul Manafort, too, and it's like the montage in a heist film where they're putting the team together, only instead of a safecracker and a getaway driver, it's all hateful old white dudes, and instead of robbing a bank vault, they're trying to STEAL OUR MOTHERFUCKING COUNTRY FROM US. I guess Rudy's bucket list had just two entries: Incest, and Destroying American Democracy.
Shit, Weehands McNodick even asked Boris Johnson to pitch in on Operation: Joe Biden is Bad for Indeterminate Reasons But Trust Me He is So Very Bad, which shows his desperation, because from all indictations, Boris couldn't find his own dick with a map.
Now, you might think that between impeachment and losing a fight to the worst band in the world (we'll get there), Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot might be too distracted to continue his full frontal assault on the American economy, but no such luck; he's jacking up tariffs again, this time on billions of dollars worth of food and booze from our closest allies in the European Union. Look, when you're facing a tough re-election, the first thing you want to do is increase your constituents’ grocery bills and threaten their jobs, that's just Politics 101.
Jacob Wohl makes me wonder if we aren't all actually trapped in a Shakespeare play, where the author trots out a malevolent-but-ineffectual clown from time to time, just to give the audience a break from all the raw horror.** His latest scheme involved a young marine/bodybuilder, who he presented to the world as Elizabeth Warren's terrified former sex slave. The preceding sentence is...not one I ever in my wildest dreams imagined I would write.
The so-called “most powerful man in the world” got one of his precious tweets taken down because it violated the intellectual property rights of the most loathed band in the history of rock. Or music, generally. Or life on Earth. And probably before that, honestly. Anyway, I'm sure America is more respected than ever now that our chief executive got his ass beat by fucking Nickelback. You watch, Kim Jong-un's gonna get a Nickelback tattoo now. Next time Macron greets him, they're gonna do their silly little handshake ritual, and he'll go, “Ah, Donald, this is how you remind me of what I really am!”
While I try to be thorough in this blog, it is entirely possible I will miss an impeachable offense or two, because there are just so fucking many of them turning up these days. Evidence of a new impeachable crime by the Trump cabal is now the free prize inside every box of Fruity Pebbles.
A great deal has been made of the whistleblower complaint and the kinda-but-not-really “transcript,” and the crimes documented therein, but just for good measure, Tangerine Idi Amin impeached all over himself right in front of the cameras on the White House lawn, asking not only Ukraine, but China, to investigate his feared foe, the Bidenator. Efforts to disingenuously nitpick procedural details, or attack Adam Schiff personally, really fall apart when there's a second whistleblower inside your own fool mouth.
Now, Marco Rubio's latest lame is excuse is that his Turd Emperor was only kidding, which is obviously impossible since he's incapable of understanding any human emotional experience, least of all laughter, and anyway, it must be a running gag, like Hairplug Himmler is the wacky neighbor with the too-long necktie and weird balloon pants who's always stumbling around, betraying his country, maybe he could add a catchphrase, like, “oops I treasoned again!” or "well PARDON ME!" but anyway my point is the dumb fuck apparently brought the Bidens up in a call with China, and then buried that call on his little private server with all the other evidence of all the other crimes he's so desperate to conceal. Still waiting on Gowdy Doody and all those other information security hawks to apply the Hillary Clinton standard to this new server.
Kevin McCarthy put his foot down, and his foot made a sad, soft, squishy, noise, like a full diaper landing on a freshly-mopped tile floor, because he is a sorry excuse for a leader of anything, let alone an entire political party's House Caucus, still, he demanded that Nancy Pelosi immediately end her impeachment inquiry, on the grounds that it is riling up President Crotchrot and making him commit additional felonies, and Nancy, God love her, just straight fucking laughed in his weaselly little face, on official stationary and everything.
Fuck, y’all, even CHUCK TODD managed to fight through his instinctual impulse to claim “both parties are wiping their wrinkly old man asses all over Constitution” because it really is just the one party this time, isn't it? Folks, when Chuckles, the Roman God of Bothsidesism, uses words like “national nightmare", it's time to strap on the helmets and lifejackets.
Late Thursday night, House Democrats released a whole fuckload (or, if you're on the metric system, 31.72 fuckograms) of text messages given to them by Kurt “First Rat Off the Sinking Ship” Volker during his marathon testimony. The texts contain further evidence of the crimes Government Cheese Goebbels confesses to at every opportunity, and, in addition, establish quid pro quo, rocketing well past the standard Republicans had feebly set down a few short days ago. What's the take now, campers? “You can't call that quid pro quo! Swapping the Biden investigation for a meeting with Littlefinger? There's no 'quo!’ Who would want to meet with that sloppy douche? Cold hamburgers and irritating conversation, a state visit is practically punishment!”
Folks, this is the FIRST WITNESS.
So, Ron Johnson, current and reigning Dumbest U.S. Senator, probably thought he was helping the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor out, but instead he accidentally admitted to having evidence of the quid pro quo in withholding aid from Ukraine until they agreed to pay ball. Oh, and he concealed that evidence, so he's part of the cover-up, too, which he helpfully confessed to a reporter, with no real prompting. Wisco, you coulda had Russ Feingold in this job.
Wait, did I forget to mention that Rudy got his boss to fire the ambassador to Ukraine because she wouldn't play along with this international goofball thug conspiracy? I did, didn't I? That's a whole 'nother impeachable offense right there, and it almost slipped right past me. They're like greased pigs, dammit.
Mike Pants has received a request for docs from a trio of House committees. The Vice President has already expressed reticence about being alone in a room with a House committee, because it goes against his deeply-held religious belief that he and his co-conspirators should be above the law. With Mick Mulvaney, House Dems skipped straight to the subpoena stage. The leaves are changing color, and the season for fucking around is rapidly fading.
And now we learn that weeks ago, long before any of us plebs learned about this shit, the CIA's chief lawyer looked at the Ukraine call and said “oh this is 31 flavors of illegal, bring me my Criminal Referral stamp, Jeeves!” only to have the “Justice” Department go, “no thank you, we will not investigate this, because if we start looking into one of Fat Q*Bert's crimes, we'll have to do all of them, and really, who has the time?” Billy Barr's sitting on much criminal shit these days, when people walk into his office, they think he's a foot and half taller.
If you haven’t gone stark raving mad yet, allow me to polish you off: a woman representing a far-right group called LaRouche PAC infiltrated Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez's (public) town hall, in order to scream about eating babies for a little bit, on the theory that doing so would make AOC look bad, rather than making herself look like the kind of person who screams about eating babies. And before you even ask, of COURSE the President of the United States tweeted about it.
Looks like it's finally time for Brett Kavanaugh to pay the Republican Party back for rewarding his life of abuse and dishonesty with a perch of unaccountable power, because the Supreme Court is taking up their very first abortion rights case in the Post-Anthony Kennedy, Are We Absolutely SURE Women Are People? era. Shout out once again to all you third-party voters, you sure showed us.
Rick Perry is taking his smart guy glasses and going home, or maybe back on the televised dance competition circuit, honestly, who gives a fuck? Moving on...
What's this? Iranian hackers targeted Shart Garfunkel's re-election campaign? Gosh, that's a shame. Oh well, since foreign interference in our elections is totally okay, I guess there's really nothing we can do, right?
So now we get spend our days desperately watching a handful of GOP Senators for signs that they'll finally crawl out of the primordial ooze of the Trump Swamp and develop spines. There was promising movement in Camp Romney today, with Willard Whitebread finally showing evidence of perhaps as many as three vertebrae. Will Ben Sasse someday stand fully upright? Will Susan Collins express anything sharper than mild concern? Tune in next week for another exciting installment of the hit reality show “Keep the Republic or Nah?”
Jesus. This week couldn't get any batshittier if the president invited a Hitler apologist to the White House to spew extra-looney conspiracy theories for...wait.
Goddammit, even I'M struggling to find a bit of good news to end on tonight, but...oh hey, Rachel Maddow's gonna be on the new Batwoman show? Cool, that'll at least be a fun memory in the days to come, scrounging for canned goods and Twinkies in the ashes of the former United States.
Well, I think that's everything, so I'll just...nope, here's a brand new story documenting the circus horror of the Kompromat Kid's calls with world leaders. Wow, it never fucking stops, does it? Anyway, I'm gonna sign off for the GODDAMMIT THERE'S MORE? Yes, it looks like there may be a second whistleblower to corroborate all the Ukraine shit. Lord. Fuck it, I'm leaving no matter what else happens. I need to drink beer now. You're on your own. Stay safe.
*Jokes on you, Rudy! The White House doesn't have any credibility any more!
**Hope we're in a history, not a tragedy.
Read This Blog, or I Shall Declare Civil War Upon You (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Shit, as the poet once said, has gotten real. I feel like I need to triple my typing speed just to keep up with everything. The news is moving so fucking fast right now, I must ask your forgiveness in advance if I miss a story here and there, like maybe a small war or making first contact with Venusians.
(As always, this post can be found, with all them nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/read-this-blog-or-i-shall-declare-civil-war-upon-you/)
New impeachment headlines keep raining down on us, seemingly hourly, like a never-ending hailstorm of ball-peen hammers, so maybe you’ve already forgotten about Ron Wyden's report from the tail end of last week. You know, the one that said that in addition to being malevolent ghouls, thirsty for the blood of innocent children, the death merchants of the National Rifle Association also acted as a foreign asset for the Russian government during the 2016 election, peddling access to the powerful even as they diligently worked to hand-deliver AR-15s to every emotionally stunted incel in the country.
Upon being outed, Wayne LaPierre wasted no time whatsoever in teaming up with the nation's other prominent Russian tool, “allegedly” offering Hairplug Himmler the financial and political support of his Death Cult in return for facilitating the deaths of even more children, by walking away from the common sense gun control legislation demanded by massive, bipartisan majorities, because quid pro quo is the name of the game when you elect a gangster.
So, I know we're at the start of this giant partisan fight over impeachment, but you just want to ask Senate Republicans, off the record, “Hey, in light of unbridled insanity of the non-infamous Liddle’ Tweet, why are you fighting so hard to protect this obviously unwell criminal? This is the point when you take Granddad's driver's license away, not protect his access to the fucking nuclear codes. THE MAN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A HYPHEN IS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
On the other hand, it's pretty clear that Orange Julius Caesar's moral rot has spread throughout the entire Republican Party. The NRCC took a cheap shot, not at freshman Congressman Joe Cunningham, but at his wife, for publicly mentioning the couple is in marriage counseling, which is...I dunno, just shittiness for the sake of shittiness, really. Look, I get that you're mad, Cunningham's sitting in a seat y’all never imagined could flip, until you decided to primary Mark Sanford with the trumpiest lunatic this side of the port-a-potty at a QAnon convention, but if you think the problem is “we just weren't hateful enough in 2018,” well, I hope you jags like the paper towels in the House minority bathroom.
Journalism reared its ugly head once again, forcing Cousin-Fucking Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani (who fucked his own cousin), to cancel his planned, treasonerrific, vacation to participate in a Kremlin-backed event in Armenia, so he won't be able to hang out with his buddy Putin like he wanted to, HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, JOURNALISM.
Meanwhile, Vlad is getting a little edgy with all this whistleblowing and transcript-leaking, feebly asserting his non-existent privilege to veto the release of any phone call transcripts between him and his Personal Pet President. Yeah, those conversations are probably full of step-by-step journalist-murdering instructions and offers to give Alaska back in exchange for Elizabeth Warren's social media passwords, so Pooty-Poot's probably right to be nervous.
Now, the Bonespur Buttplug's 2017 Oval Office meeting with th’Russians has long since captured the prestigious Most Treasonous Thing to Ever Happen Inside the White House award*, on account of the whole leaking-highly-classified-intel/exposing-a-source thing, but it sounds like he really turned his betrayal of America up to 11, assuring his handlers, er, “the visiting diplomats” not to worry their pretty little heads about interfering in the 2016 election, because one man's act of war is another's Get Out of Jail Free card, after all. Anyhow, the next President should, at minimum, believe that attacks on the United States by hostile foreign powers are bad. That's just what I think.
Nevada's Mark Amodei became the first Republican Congressthing to back the House's impeachment inquiry (though he was quick to correct the record, insisting, no, he does not, as reported, actually possess a human spine), so that shit's bipartisan now. Tri-partisan, if you factor in Dickbag Ronin Justin Amash, who is, quite frankly, throwing some amusingly sharp elbows these days.
Tangerine Idi Amin remains the Michael Jordan of Losing in Court, and I have to say, of all his humiliating legal setbacks, and they are LEGION, this last one is my favorite, since it blocks his absolutely evil attempt to detain migrants, including children, indefinitely in his shitty little concentration camps. It's a little harder torture kids in America today, and I guess I'll take my victories where I can find ‘em.
Former US Special Envoy for Ukraine Kurt Volker has resigned in order to spend more time with the various House committees investigating All the President's Crimez. I wonder what he'll say...maybe I can ply Adam Schiff with wine coolers and compliments about his tasteful shoes.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor has said he will not be setting up a “war room” for the impeachment fight, because when have his instincts ever failed him except at least 32 different times every single day of his life? Me, if I had somehow managed to fail at the fucking casino business, I'd be looking for outside help whenever possible.
The big defense plan seems to be to claim the whole impeachment hullabaloo is based on “hearsay,” but that plan is complicated by the way the Shart House keeps confessing to everything, from the “look at all this crime we did” transcript to openly admitting to improperly hiding potentially embarrassing calls on a private server. I haven't read the whole whistleblower complaint, but none of the worst accusations are in dispute, so I'm confused as to what the "hearsay” is supposed to be about. Like, does the whistleblower claim Donnie Two-Scoops had a mustard stain on his tie while he was betraying his country when it was actually a ketchup stain? We're picking at nits here.
Anyway, the backup plan, already in motion, apparently revolves around shouting, “No really, what ABOUT her e-mails?” as Mike Pompeo's State Department has, I shit you not, actually resurrected the ol’ Hillary Clinton's Private Server and Also Probably Pizzagate, Why Not investigation, and yeah, I bet that chases all the big, bad, impeachment headlines away, campers. You're in the clear. War rooms are for CUCKS.
If that doesn't work, I suppose there's always the Only Other Thing Donnie Dotard Knows How to Do: inciting white supremacist violence. Proving his twitter rage isn't reserved solely for the noble hyphen, he targeted a number of Jewish and non-white Democratic Congressfolk, as “savages,” perhaps fearing that in all the news about his corruption, we'd forgotten about his despicable bigotry. That instinctive impulse to distract from his crimes by dehumanizing minorities is pretty fucking scary, like...the dude's default setting is Hitler. If you hit control-alt-delete on Trump, he'd go glassy-eyed for a minute and then just start reciting Mein Kampf.
Donald Trump is the patron saint of Subpar Thugs, and his followers keep on perpetrating acts of racist terror in his name. Take, for example, former New Jersey police chief Frank Nucera Jr., a white supremacist shitsack currently on trial for hiding behind a badge while committing hate crimes, who views Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot as “the last hope for white people.” First off, fuck you eternally, you racist pile of hamster shit. Second, as a white person, I'll look for hope in a crusty, half-eaten, can of Chef Boyardee ravioli before I ever look to your bloated tick overlord. In conclusion, eat shit, Frank. Enjoy prison.
Getting back to impeachment, if you turned on the Sunday Shoz to check out the grotesque gaggle of creepy dirtbag surrogates Team Treasonweasel fielded to defend Emperor Poosquirt, you could be forgiven for thinking you'd mistakenly stumbled into a lost Tim Burton Batman film. Rudy, Lindsey Graham, Gym Jordan, and even Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller? Yikes. This Campground Outhouse Rogues Galley snarled and spat and above all else lied, so much so that Jake Tapper, and even Fux's own Chris Wallace, had no choice but to call them out on their bullshit.
Personally, I thought the most effective communicator of the weekend was Robert De Niro.
We're less than a week into the impeachment inquiry, before the fucking pencils are even sharpened or the debates about who gets to pick the lunch delivery place first have begun, and the Candycorn Skidmark is already test-driving messaging about civil war. Me, I didn't think he'd call for massive outbreaks of violence until he lost in 2020, so it's nice to know there's still room to overestimate him. But I do want to go on the record as declaring my intent to dodge any draft he may institute in the name of Civil War II: Treasonous Taintfungus Boogaloo. I learned it from YOU, fuckhead.
Oh, and just for good measure, he's now threatening the whistleblower, and anybody else who might feel like snitchin’ to the feds, because impeachable offenses are like potato chips, betcha can't commit just one.
As you're trying to process this exponential increase in bat guano production, resulting from the complaint of a single whistleblower, remember that there’s already another whistleblower we may get to hear from soon, this one with information about Shart-O the Clown's taxes. I don't think it'd take more than five total whistleblowers, tops, to make him actually combust.
I see Jeff Flake wrote an adorable little op-ed in the Washington Post, calling on his former Republican colleagues to rediscover their “principles” and fight Trump and honestly Jeff, how am I supposed to maintain a satire website with a walking parody like you shambling around, calling for a degree of courage you yourself are constitutionally incapable of? It's unfair competition, that's what it is. The guy who heroically demanded an investigation into Brett Kavanaugh, only dissolve like a slug in a Morton factory when he was offered the flimsiest of shams instead? That was YOU, Jeff. Sit the fuck down.
New York Congresscrook/American Fascism Early Adopter Chris Collins remembered that he's actually totally guilty of all those crimes he's been charged with, and resigned his seat ahead of entering a guilty plea, GUESS IT WASN'T A WITCH HUNT AFTER ALL. Anyway, Congratulations Susan, you're now officially the Undisputed Shittiest Collins on Capitol Hill!
Across the pond, it looks as though the Boris Johnson Traveling Fuckup Show is building to a spectacular climax, adding accusations of groping a reporter, and even talk of being dismissed by the Queen to the walking monument to failure that is his life.
And now I see Rudy got what he's been asking for, and no, it's not the phone number of a woman he's related to, it's a big fat fucking subpoena from House Democrats. Hey, you picked the fight, genius. And the fun thing is, these assclowns can't stonewall Congress anymore, as Dems are threatening to use any refusal to cooperate as evidence for an obstruction of justice article in the inevitable impeachment trail, tee frickin’ hee.
Meanwhile, John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Attached to His Upper Lip have broken their silence, taking a sloppy dump all over their ex-boss’ North Korea policy, which would be headline news in saner times, but maybe we can squeeze you in next to today's Beetle Bailey, Johnboy, unless it's one with the dog. That dog's fuckin’ funny.
And it turns out Fat Q*Bert isn't just dabbling in pressuring foreign governments to interfere in American politics, he's on a bonafide Global Ratfucking Tour! Today we learned the depraved fuck has ALSO been pressuring the Prime Minister of Australia to help him dig up dirt on the origins of the Mueller investigation, like maybe it was the brainchild of a mob of deep state wallabies, or perhaps a wisdom of liberal wombats, or even a puddle of Clinton Foundation platypus, and can you guess what I've been googling? Anyway, this little gambit seems to have been Bronco Billy Barr's brainchild, in his ongoing quest to redact all legality and decency from the entire executive branch.
Actually, Barr has been quite the busy beaver, working the phones, and even traveling the world (at taxpayer expense, of course), looking for assistance for his efforts to (checks notes) assault and undermine America's law enforcement community for investigating the Russian attack on the 2016 election. At the risk of typing something that might just get me struck by lightning, I MISS JEFF SESSIONS.**
Oh, and I guess Mike Pompeo was actually on that one harmless little prank call where Weehands McNodick asked Ukraine “Hey, is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it and also make up some dirt on Joe Biden or I'll cut your fucking aid off.” Weird that the little wannabe-theocrat hadn't mentioned that on his own, and in fact lied when directly confronted. Y'know, I'm starting to think our Secretary of State isn't the devout Christian he loudly professes himself to be, but rather the cheapest imaginable thug, positively horny to destroy American democracy in order to rule in the ruins that follow.
The good news is, in spite of Democrats’ trademark hand-wringing, impeachment polls are shifting rapidly in our favor, and again, we haven't even served the fucking soup course yet. Gonna be a fuckin’ ride, folks.
Ok, I really need to move on to other important work*** now, but the damn news won't quit breaking, and now Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka is hitching a ride to Europe with Mike Pompeo, and I just need to get away from this shit for a bit. You're on your own for the rest of the night, Resisters...stay safe!
*It’s not a Nobel, but stick to your strengths, says I.
**Of course I don't actually miss Jeff Sessions. Jeff Sessions is racist trash. I'm not actually a superhero, either. So much dishonesty. OH MY GOD WHAT IF I'M SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS?
***Drinking
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