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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 495

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History Will Remember Trump as the First President who was Cucked by Michael Bolton, and Other News

It was only a few short days ago when so many Resisters fell into despair, certain the Barr memo had delivered the Treasonweasel Adminstration such an overwhelming victory, we could ne’er hope to recover. O ye of little faith. If ye trust in nothing else in this world, trust in Donald Trump's nigh-supernatural ability to spin gold into cat turds.

(As always, this post is available, with helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/history-will-remember-trump-as-the-first-president-who-was-cucked-by-michael-bolton-and-other-news/)

So, about nine seconds after I posted my last piece, news broke that Baron Golfin von Fatfuk had decided to stop defending the Affordable Care Act in court, in the current about-as-serious-as-Dane-Cook's-Hamlet lawsuit.

I confess, I initially thought this couldn't possibly be real. Not on the very eve of the Barr/Mueller memo, and the best headlines of his entire term to date. Nobody's that stupid. Nobody would pivot from such a gift to the very less-popular-than-getting-Ebola-at-a-Nickelback-concert policy that decimated your party in the midterm elections just four short months ago.

My god, he's got the political instincts of a tumor on yak's testicle. It's like winning the lottery, then immediately spending every penny on a machine that heats cannonballs until they begin to melt and then right at that moment fires them directly at your own genitals. It's the dumbest act yet by a very, very, very, dumb man.

And if anybody out there is terrified at this news, worried that a return to the bad old days of no protections for people with pre-existing conditions might bankrupt you and shorten your life, fear not, for Susan Collins has expressed concern, or disappointment, or possibly even consternation. Please rest easy knowing that if the problem can be solved by a furrowed brow and hollow words spoken in passing to a reporter in a Capitol Hill hallway, Senator Collins will save us all.

Alabama Congressdope Mo Brooks woke up, prayed to the Jefferson Davis Funko Pop he keeps on his bedside table, and said to himself, “Y'know who doesn't get quoted nearly enough on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives? HITLER, THAT'S WHO!” So, as part of the GOP's ongoing Operation: Icarus, he went after Democrats with a dramatic reading from Mein Kampf, like your average totally sane person.

What's extra fun about this episode is remembering that even Mo somehow wasn't nutty enough for the screeching hatemarmots who vote in Alabama's Republican primaries, so when he ran for Senate, they chose a literal child molester instead.

Buried in a story about old FBI investigations into the Shart Organization or some other boring shit, we learned that while Weehands McNodick was still married to Marla Maples, she fucked Michael Bolton while he was out of town.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHHH CUCKED BY MICHAEL BOLTON!!! You can keep your Mueller Report, y’all, this is all I need. If I was Nancy Pelosi, I'd begin every meeting with Lil’ Donnie Two Scoops going forward by muttering “Michael Bolton fucked your wife” under my breath. I'd make a little Michael Bolton pin and wear it on my lapel at all times. I'd slip song lyrics into conversation whenever possible, like, “After the recent flooding, Nebraska really needs a little time, love, and tenderness, don'tcha think, Mr. President?”

Betsy DeVos is here to tell all you filthy takers who didn't raise yourselves up by the bootstraps and get your peasant asses born into fabulous wealth some hard truths! America, we simply cannot afford both the Special Olympics AND Hairplug Himmler's weekly golf vacations, and you certainly wouldn't suggest we begrudge Dear Leader his favorite grift!

This is yet another testament to the political instincts of the Dotard and all the Very Fine/Best People he surrounds himself with, by the way. These cuts aren't likely to actually happen (Betsy can appropriate all the DeVos family money she wants for her yacht collection, but when it comes to the U.S. Treasury, Congress is in charge, you plutocrat horror), but you take the massive media hit anyway. It's weird that somebody who's never worked in her life is so bad at her job, isn't it?

I see Squeezably Soft Telefascist Sebastian Gorka and the soggy-with-spittle loons of the QAnan movement find themselves at loggerheads. If there's some way we can get these two sides to work out their troubles, ideally with hammers and hacksaws and bleach, I'm willing to referee. Excuse me, I mean “moderate.”

And of course the battle for Mueller Report rages on. Attorney General William Barr stuffed the report down the front of his pants, and has begun gyrating tauntingly outside of Adam Schiff's office, telling him in a sing-song voice that if he still wants to see it so badly he can just come and get it.

It's kinda funny that these clowns imagine they can redact this report, led by a partisan hack famous for cover-ups, and expect the American people to trust the result. I'm told Dr. Ronny Jackson has been placed in charge of the redacting process, so at least he'll knock a couple hundred pages off the real thing.

The National Rifle Association is opposing the Violence Against Women Act because of a provision that would prevent domestic abusers from buying guns. You know, I used to be an actor, and I played a lot of villains. It can be challenging to unwind and inhabit the psychological processes that lead people to do terrible things, but eventually, you figure it out. Still, I'm sitting here, trying to piece together the thinking of a human being who has concluded "BY GOD THE RIGHTS OF A MAN WITH A HISTORY OF ABUSING WOMEN TO PURCHASE AND CARRY A MURDER MACHINE SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED, YOU COMMIE BASTARDS!!!!!!” and...I'm coming up empty.

As expected, the vote to override President Gas Station Urinal Cake's veto of the Shove Your Bullshit Fake Emergency Declaration Up Your Poop Chute Act of 2019 fell short in the House. Remember, this wasn't a policy vote, it was a “is the Constitution still a thing” vote. The majority of the GOP is casually ceding American democracy to a barely-sentient wannabe Duterte, not for any grand cause or epic endeavor, but for a big, stupid, wall, that nobody wants and that won't solve a single problem.

To bastardize A Man For All Seasons: “It profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world. . . but for walls?”

You know, just because he's been completely exonerated by a memo that goes out of its way to mention how very not exonerated he is, don't think for a moment that the Candycorn Skidmark is free from trials n’ troubles. Why, did you know those whiners down in Puerto Rico are still asking the government for aid JUST because their island was decimated by a massive hurricane and their megabigot President has obstructed their recovery at every turn? The NERVE!

Anyway, in case this is getting glossed over thanks to our subatomic expectations of Boss Turdmaggot’s basic human decency, the story here is the President of the United States of America complaining about being called upon to help American citizens in need. He has tried his damndest, from the very beginning, to leave these people to suffer and die. Because of their ethnicity. Without the slightest pushback from his party. In any civilized society, he'd have been removed from power and imprisoned for what he did, and didn't do, in Puerto Rico. But us? We're stuck with Republicans.

At the risk of being divisive, the next President should like people. You wanna bicker about variations in health care policy, go ahead, but I figure so long as we wind up with somebody with at least a fleeting trace of empathy, it'll be a significant upgrade.

Meet the newest rising star in the White Supremacist Hate Cult we call the Republican Party, Pennsylvania State Representative Stephanie Borowicz! Steph puked up as appalling a load of hate speech as you're likely to see this week, in response to the PA House seating its very first female Muslim legislator, and had the motherfucking gall to call it a “prayer.”

She's the perfect Evangelical, ain't she? Not even a moment's passing concern for the teachings of Christ, no no, all she's interested in is membership in a club that gives her license to spit on anybody different. When people talk about “unity” with the 21st century American right, show them this lady, and demand they identify the precise halfway point where we're supposed to meet this hate-filled little shit and shake hands.

Utah Senator Mike Lee is one of Ted Cruz's only actual friends, so I don't know why y’all expect him to act rationally. When he brings his sub-Carrot-Top prop comedy to the floor of the Senate, is it really news? A man who is an idiot is going to behave like an idiot, that’s just science.

Although speaking of science, Lee's suggestion that climate change can be solved by gettin’ married and makin’ babies is, um...let's call it “not yet peer-reviewed.” You watch a guy like Mike mindlessly ramble with the unearned self-regard only the truly incompetent are blessed with, and you think, “wow, I wouldn't let that dude scramble an egg without heavy supervision,” and then you remember he gets to write laws that all the rest of us have to obey and if anybody needs to cry or scream or beat their head against the wall until they've uncovered the wiring and insulation, I totally understand.

I guess Fed nominee Stephen Moore owes $75,000 in back taxes. Hey, remember when that very thing was a big enough scandal to keep Tom Daschle from becoming HHS Secretary? How fucking QUAINT is that? We're one Cabinet resignation away from watching Kellyanne Conway condescendingly insist that the American people don't mind that the Department of Energy is headed by a guy who lobbed a hand grenade into his neighbor's kitchen over an un-raked yard, and we're acting like a five-figure tax bill is even news? This is some straight Saturday Evening Post shit.

We're so thirsty for Mueller news, we all clicked on that push notification that didn't tell us shit beyond “it's over 300 pages,” didn’t we? God, we're pathetic. Ok, Billy, now, is it bigger than a breadbox?

Quick shout out to whoever busted out the Creature From the Black Lagoon mask at David Bernhardt's confirmation hearing today. We need more of that sort of thing, like perhaps lingering outside Stephen Miller's office wearing a bald cap covered in spray-on hair, or dressing the entire White House press corps in Michael Bolton masks.

Boy howdy, Republicans sure do wanna fire Adam Schiff, don't they? I guess they haven't read their Welcome to the House Minority initiation handbooks yet. Nobody has to do anything you say anymore, campers. You're purely decorative. You “demand” Schiff's resignation? Well, to paraphrase my daddy, “Demand in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.”

Yet another WaPo deep dive into the Grand Wizard Grifter's business history revealed A FUCKTON OF CRIMES. It's full of good, responsible, journospeak, with stuff about “inflated net worth” and “the role of the accountant” and blah blah blah but what it's documenting is a long-ass history of extremely illegal fraud. The President is a career criminal, evidence of his crimes is in the hands of law enforcement, and if he and his cabal of enabling thugs imagine William Barr's little book report delivered him permanently from all legal consequences, well, I look forward to their inevitable moment of surprise.

We learned that Director of National Intelligence/Last Adult Standing Dan Coats nearly resigned, but ultimately Mike Pants threw his arms around him and begged him to stay. Reports that the Vice President lingered in the embrace for an uncomfortable length of time and complimented the DNI on the smell of his hair are unconfirmed at this point.

Anyway, seems Pissant Pol Pot got mad at Coats because he was unable, or unwilling, to search for proof that President Obama wiretapped him during the 2016 campaign. No big deal, just an attempt to force the intelligence community to fabricate evidence for a 100% made-up “crime.” I wonder if there are any books in Mo Brooks’ library that might prove instructive on this point.

Well folks, this week, for the first time during the entire shitworm regime, the calamity in my personal life rose to match the craziness of the news cycle. (Nothing to be worried about, just a little pet health scare, and she's fine now.) Just forgive me if you find this post a little below the established standard for comprehensiveness/accuracy/spelling-n-grammar/poop-jokery. I hope to be back at full strength next week!

Cap's Rantings on the Graham Statement on the Barr Letter on the Mueller Report (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey, you're welcome. After more than two years of rumor and speculation, of COURSE my decision to take three whole days away from the sturm und drang of the incessantly churning news cycle led to the immediate conclusion of the Mueller investigation. Some vacation. I tried to leave my phone in my pocket, I really did.

(If you want this post with links, and tonight you really do, click on over to Cap's website: http://showercapblog.com/caps-rantings-on-the-graham-statement-on-the-barr-letter-on-the-mueller-report/)

The news was accommodating at first, just a light sprinkling of madness, easily ignored. Like, for example, noted biblical scholar Mike Pompeo's new, avant-garde, theory that maybe God sent Donald Trump, who, I'll remind everyone, is a white nationalist, to save Israel, which seems like an awfully strange thing to expect of a white nationalist, don'tcha think?

People lose track of the fact that Pompeo is a crazed religious fanatic because he doesn't shit himself in public like Michele Bachmann, but he's 100% as nuts as the nuttiest nut in that crowd. And that's on top of being a cookie-cutter tea party loon with no diplomatic background. Don't worry, America, what Mike lacks in experience, he makes up for with blind, frothy, zealotry!

I feel like I should just keep a short sentence on the clipboard, ready to cut and paste into every other blog, something like “Shart Garfunkel nominated a completely unqualified buffoon to a position of extravagant power, because he is an incurious dolt who values loyalty over expertise and doesn't give 1/16th of a fuck about running the country well.” In this particular case I'm talking about Stephen Moore, a Heritage hack who's been nominated to the Federal Reserve Board, probably because he complimented the President's hair once. Even by Ronny Jackson/Ben Carson standards, this is some maybe-we'll-make-a-hamster-one-of-the-Joint-Chiefs shit.

And I see President Used Enema Water decided to do his BFF, Kim Jong-un, a solid, rolling back a proposed new round of sanctions. Yup yup, that's our President, working to cut vital safety net programs for millions of citizens while bending over backwards to do favors for murderous dictators! I haven't been this proud to be an American since Two and Half Men got renewed for that 12th season!

At the risk of offering unbidden advice, I'd like to suggest the following personal guideline: live your life so that nobody ever feels the need to research the effect your presence in a given area has on the local hate crime rate. I mention this because we've found yet another standard by which our President is an abominable moral failure. The headline here is “Counties that hosted a 2016 Trump rally saw a 226 percent increase in hate crimes,” which is simultaneously the most horrifying and least surprising thing I've read in months.

While we're already dealing with the abhorrent, let's talk about some other genuinely awful shit that's going on. No jokes for a little bit. I know these last few days have been hard enough, but we need to look this shit square in the eye, if only to remind ourselves what we're fighting for, and against, and of the people who need us to keep on fighting. That's what being a Democrat, or a liberal, or a progressive, or whatever label you use, is all about, right?

There is, of course, a fresh new wave of atrocities from the border “security” apparatus. A DREAMer, with DACA protections, was imprisoned by ICE for five weeks. Five weeks, can you imagine what that must've been like? And then, some maniacs in Border Patrol detained a 9-year-old girl, an American citizen, for 32 fucking hours, because the dirtbag officers said she “provided inconsistent information during her inspection.” She's NINE, you fucks. I know I'll sleep soundly tonight knowing my government is keeping me safe by bullying frightened little kids, and grilling them like terror suspects.

And in possibly the most heartbreaking story of an era swamped with tragedy, we're seeing a wave of suicides among the survivors of recent mass-shootings. Two Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students took their own lives, as did Jeremy Richman, who lost his daughter at Sandy Hook.

...yet somehow, NRA Spokesdemon Dana Loesch insists she's the real victim here. Look, I know we're all perpetually enraged at one another these days, but I honestly don't understand how a human soul gets so rotten and so broken. We fight for gun control to save lives and spare people this sort of unbearable pain. How do you stand against that? And why the living fuck are you forcing your phony self-righteousness on grieving families?

And yeah, you've probably heard by now, but in an effort to ruin my vacation, Rugged Robert Mueller finally wrapped up and delivered his report on collusion n’ stuff. To signify the importance of his findings, Mueller sprung for the deluxe package at the FedEx Store*, with a laminated cover and everything.

On receiving the report, Attorney General William Barr bought a big ol’ box of wine, lit some candles, put on some England Dan & John Ford Coley, and settled into the bathtub for a leisurely evening of trying to figure out just how the hell to spin this fucker.

Naturally, everybody is full of takes about what the report they haven't seen says or doesn't say. Since I dress-up and play pundit, I may as well get in on the game. The Mueller Report reveals the precise number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, offers a series of insightful rewrites and edits of the Justice League movie, and formally recommends that Jose Canseco vacate the 1988 AL MVP award in favor of Mike Greenwell.

As for Barr, well, weirdly enough, the dude who wrote a whole dang memo last year, saying Hairplug Himmler hadn't obstructed any justice, decided that William Barr was right all along! And there was no collusion and steaks really do taste better well-done and with ketchup and you'll just have to trust me on all this because fuck no I'm not letting you see what Mueller actually wrote.

Now, honest to God, this really should have been basically good news for Team Treasonweasel, but because they are clods who have elevated incompetence to a goddamn art form, they somehow managed to fuck it up for themselves in just a few short hours.

Look, the Craigslist posting for the Attorney General gig under Tangerine Idi Amin said simply, “PLEASE GOD SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MUELLER” and Barr is doing the job he was hired to do. But it's telling that even this dutiful lackey had to admit that Mueller refused to exonerate Lil' Man Shart on obstruction of justice. Now, Billy B. helpfully made the snap judgement for Bob, and indeed for all America, in the process revealing himself as just another corrupt partisan hack. I know these are not the brightest folks around, but do they really think they've closed the book now?

Apparently so. Sarah Slanders pulled herself away her typical weekend of recreationally torturing sea monkeys to proclaim “complete and total exoneration,” which, again, is very much not what Barr's very short and therefore very easy-to-read letter says. Honestly, the news was good enough! But these “elite communications professionals” just can't stop themselves from lying.

And Visibly-Deteriorating Cousin-Fucker Rudy emerged from exile (sources tell me he was molting) to proclaim the Mueller probe “never should have happened in the first place,” which is kind of a strange thing to say about an investigation that unearthed quite a few crimes, including a coordinated attack on the United States by hostile foreign power. I guess “protecting the country from its enemies” is partisan now, and once again I find myself happy in the side I've chosen.

Lindsey Graham polished up the Junior Stooge badge he got in the mail by saving up Trump Vodka bottle caps, and told the press that now he wants to return to the Leave-it-to-Beaver-by-way-of-Breitbart days of investigating Hillary's e-mails and the bloody TARMAC MEETING and pizzagate and why Roseanne got fired. Real forward thinkers, our Republicans.

Yeah, there's this strange smugness that all of Donnie Dotard's legal problems just vanished forever, and now his grifter cabal has carte blanche to turn the tables, investigate the investigators, and punish his enemies, like “Now that's done with, let's do Jell-O shots and purge some law enforcement agencies! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FASCISM?!?!??!”

Dude, no. You're still facing more investigations than Taylor Swift has stalkers. You're still the unindicted co-conspirator in the Michael Cohen case. You still got caught stealing from your own frickin’ charity. You’re still violating the emoluments clause at every available opportunity. And obviously this obstruction of justice shit doesn't magically vanish if you just look in the mirror and say “totally exonerated” three times real fast.

Government Cheese Goebbels’ 2020 campaign was feelin’ that autocrat swagger so much, they actually sent a memo to TV news stations with a precious little “enemies list” of guests who should no longer be booked in light of the Exoneration That Most Certainly Has Not Happened. On the one hand, the impulse towards free-speech-crushing dictatorship is terrifying, but on the other, the blundering overplaying of the hand is absolutely fucking hilarious. It's like trying to bluff with a pair of twos, only you're playing with your cards face up.

Like, Kevin McCarthy's strutting around, demanding Adam Schiff step down from as the House Intelligence Committee chairman. Bro, you are in the minority now. You don't get to decide who chairs what, or who gets investigated, or even the elevator music in the fucking Capitol bathrooms. If Adam Schiff feels like playing Dan Fogelberg's Greatest Hits on loop during Intel meetings, then Devin Nunes best get used to the tale of a quiet man of music denied a simpler fate, ‘kay?

Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell's out there, shutting down Chuck Schumer's resolution to make the Mueller Report public. Why Wrinkly Gamera is so eager to suppress this tome celebrating the Marmalade Shartcannon's all-encompassing innocence is a question for wiser minds than mine.

Anyway, I'm sending Michael Avenatti a fruit basket. He'll appreciate it in jail. But seriously, Mike, your rapid descent from fame-crazed law thug with delusions of grandeur to cartoonishly inept criminal gave me a good sturdy gut laugh on a day I really needed one. Yes, it seems like Stormy Daniels’ former lawyer thought it would be a good idea to try to extort 20 million bucks from Nike, and, because he is a genius, allowed himself to be recorded making super-illegal threats over the phone.

Looking forward to Mike's tweets insisting that establishment Democrats are too soft to commit the crimes they'd need to commit to win in 2020, and what voters really want is an egomaniacal scumbag loser who thought a few television appearances rendered him invincible. Anyway, have fun in jail, kid.

But yeah, I've seen a lot of disappointment, even despair, in lefty circles over the last few days. Like the Mueller news condemns us to a second Trump term, and then probably Junior, but the whole thing likely falls apart in 2033 when Eric tries to replace the public water supply with grape soda. Folks, I know there's nothing a Dem loves more than gloom n’ doom, but all is far from lost, and I still wouldn't swap places with Weehands McNodick for all the trademarks in China.

My friends, Robert Mueller didn't flip 40 House seats last November. He didn't raise all that money or make all those phone calls or knock on all those doors or get out all those votes. That was us. We had to wait and wait and wait for our chance to get in the ring and finally fight the fuckin’ fight, but when at last the time came, we were Butterbean, and Trumpism was Bart Gunn.** We can, and will, do it again.

And if you're feeling helpless, there's plenty you can do now. Remember the voter registration initiative Andrew Gillum launched in Florida last week? And now Stacy Abrams has a new nonprofit, Fair Count, that will work to make sure the 2020 Census accurately surveys hard-to-count populations. Maybe toss a buck or two to your favorite House freshmen, they still need your help.

In conclusion, keep your chin up, nothing is over. From my own personal point of view, fuck everybody and everything, the world still owes me a motherfucking vacation. Going someplace with no cell service next time. Maybe a nice cave somewhere. So long as there's a beer fridge.

*I wish these were still called Kinko's. Kinko's woulda been funnier.

**If you click only one link in this blog, make it that one.

Is John McCain Haunting the President or is it Just an Experimental Hair Tonic-Induced Hallucination

Okay, Shower Captives, I'm taking a much needed vacation weekend, but I wanted to get one last post up before I shut my brain off for a few days. So let's plunge back into the Mouth of Madness....though it looks like Madness hasn’t flossed in a while...

(You know the drill. You want this post with allllll the news links? Click over here: http://showercapblog.com/is-john-mccain-haunting-the-president-or-is-it-just-an-experimental-hair-tonic-induced-hallucination/)

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes’ campaign to raise awareness of what a pathetic, thin-skinned, cud-brained, doofus Devin Nunes is has rapidly become the single most successful endeavor of Devin Nunes’ sad little life. He's made a parody Twitter account more popular than his own page, and helpfully given the world cause to poke through his long record of shittiness, shining a spotlight on an old video where he defends a group of jagoffs hurling ethnic slurs at John Lewis. Pigs are very intelligent animals, but fucking ‘em hasn't made Devin any smarter.

Well, the Oversight Renaissance hit an expected snag, as the Shart House has responded to document requests from various Democrat-chaired committees with a hearty, “Thank you very much for your inquiry, however, at this time, we prefer to keep the evidence of our many crimes to ourselves, kindly piss off.” So now we wait for Elijah Cummings and Jerry Nadler to do the exotic Dance of the Seven Subpoenas, which, if you've never seen it, is really quite arousing.

Of course, some Trumpkins are cooperating. Steve Bannon has turned over a trove of documents, confident that the oily substance he involuntarily secretes has rendered them illegible. Hope Hicks is cooperating, as is Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn. And Rick Gates says that while he's looking forward to cooperating with Congress, he has to wait until he's done cooperating with Bodacious Bob Mueller before he's allowed to come out and play. Well isn't Rick just the belle of the ball?

Cummings also wants to know about potential record-keeping naughtiness on Jared Kushner's part. Yes, Kid Nepotism seems to be using encrypted apps and private e-mail accounts to conduct official government business. Other White House staffers, including Bannon, K.T. McFarland, and even Princess Ivanka herself, have used private e-mail as well.

In accordance with this gravest of crimes, the New York Times has blocked out front page space for the next two years to give the story the attention it deserves, and Trey Gowdy has emerged from retirement to demand accountability, riding into the Capitol on a white steed, brandishing a flaming sword. Because everyone is held to the same standards, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, Strawberry Shartcake's relationship with Deutsche Bank is also being scrutinized. I bring this up because these investigations are turning up evidence that he's been lying about his net worth, and public knowledge of his significantly-less-abundant-than-advertised wealth seems to be the one humiliation this trembling narcissist can't bear. He told his celebrity roasters that was the one off-limits topic, remember? I can picture him asking the same of Mueller, can't you? "Lemme have this one, Bob...don't make me beg."

Now that all the superheroes have been banished, Paul Ryan is finally free to join the board of Fox Corp. It's the least he can do, really, in return for the years spent dispensing propaganda on his behalf, painting him like some sort of principled intellectual when all he's ever been is a moderately articulate spokesman for the right-wing agenda to keep working-class Americans’ lives as short and painful as possible.

If the emissions emanating front the presidential pulpit are a fair indicator, then the single largest threat facing the United States of America today isn't Russia, it isn't even climate change, it's...recently-deceased Senator John McCain. You can sleep easy, America, knowing your President is devoting every ounce of his extremely-limited mental energy to the McCain problem.

Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Scoops has got a bug up his ass because nobody lavished him with praise for allowing Senator McCain a funeral, instead of mounting his head (or, more likely, that verdammte THUMB) on a pike on the White House lawn, like he really wanted to. Is there a Nobel Prize for Not Interrupting a Man's Memorial Service with an Air Horn?

Oh, and he's going around telling everybody that McCain pinky-swore to curb-stomp Obamacare and then piss on its corpse, only to betray his poor President at the very last minute, siding with all those sick plebs and their pre-existing conditions, the bastard.

And just like every other Trumpal assault on basic human decency, the GOP response is “thank you sir, may we have another?” Lindsey Graham pathetically mews “I sure would like it if you'd stop dishonoring my dead friend's memory, but if you don't want to, I guess that's ok, too.” Flubber-kneed cowards from Mitt Romney to Martha McSally offered up statements I can't even label “milquetoast” for fear of slandering both milk and toast. Johnny Isakson was so indignant, he kinda almost raised his voice a little bit, and Republicans are hailing it like the St. Crispin's Day speech. How any of these sycophants can make eye contact with their reflections is beyond me.

Hey, if you've got that one politically incurious friend who likes to pontificate about how “the two parties are essentially the same,” feel free to gently slap him with the latest voting rights news out of Florida.

On the one hand, you've got the Republicans, desperately trying to find some clever way to subvert the will of the state's voters (and there's your first big clue that something's not quite right, y'know?) who overwhelmingly chose to restore the right to vote to felons who had served their time. “How about a poll tax?” offered some enterprising young autocrat. “Capital idea, my good man! Of course, we'll have to gussy it up a bit, for the courts, but the important thing is hanging onto power even though we've lost the support of the citizenry!”

And then on the other side of the aisle, you've got Andrew Gillum, who came up just a hair short in his bid for the governorship last fall, announcing a new endeavor to register 1 million new voters in Florida ahead of the 2020 election. Keep an eye out for Gillum's Bring it Home Florida; along with Stacy Abrams’ New Georgia Project, Let America Vote, and similar organizations, they're looking to provide the organizing muscle we'll need to win our country back from the ratfinks and dirtbags. And they'll need YOUR help.

Now, when one party is working to bring new people into the democratic process, and one party is using every available mechanism, legal or not (looking at YOU, Brian Kemp) to shut folks out...what does that tell you?

After a rocky start to his ambassadorship, Richard Grenell has finally succeeded in uniting several of Germany's competing political parties...in hatred of Richard Grenell. Apparently looking to radically overhaul diplomacy with his revolutionary “what if I was just a raging dickhead instead” technique, Grenell continues his exemplary service to his Turd Emperor's apparent plan to turn America's closest allies into enemies.

Am I supposed to say something about Kellyanne and George? Oh, those zany Conways! One's a wannabe dictator's Minister of Misinformation, one's a run-of-the-mill conservative fuckstick, however do they get along? Unless somebody's gonna hack their e-mails to use as the basis for a stage show starring Judith Light and Tony Danza, I ain't interested.

And now the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor is working up an executive order threatening to cut off federal research grants to colleges and universities who decide they don't want to shell out thousands to pay for security during one of Richard Spencer's hate rallies, allegedly in the name of “protecting free speech.” Call it Mandatory Milo. Perhaps someday Gavin McInnes’ whingey rants about his neighbors will stand alongside Plato and Descartes as reading required for graduation.

Hey, let's check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, we haven't heard from him in a spell. What's shakin', Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: My fists, Cap! Shaking at the sky in rage and disbelief! I'm glad you asked!

Gosh, Bill, what happened?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: By now I'm sure you're familiar with Boeing's recent troubles, yes?

Yeah, I've seen that stuff, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, it turns out that the two Boeing jets that recently crashed, resulting in the loss of hundreds of human lives, both lacked a couple of safety features that other Boeing planes possess.

Oh no. Was there some sort of glitch or something?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, Cap, y'see, Boeing didn't install these features on these particular planes, because they charge extra for 'em.

Wh...so you're saying an airplane manufacturer withheld safety equipment from two planes that crashed because they were looking to make a few extra bucks? That's...that's...


...good lord.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh hey, I've got another one, actually.

Oh, uh, maybe we should just -

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, no, you'll like this one. So it looks like Tijuana residents are stealing concertina wire from the American border. Not only is Donnie Dotard not getting any new wall built, he's having trouble holding onto what he's already got!

Oh. Why, that's kinda funny. That isn't horrible at all, Bill!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, I know. It fucking sucks being the guy who only drops by to give the shitty news. I can do sports, too, y'know.

...we'll talk about it later, Bill. Bye for now.

Speaking of Boeing, Acting Defense Secretary/Former Boeing executive Patrick Shanahan, in what seems like an introductory hazing ritual for all Trump Cabinet appointees, now faces an Inspector General investigation of his very own. Y'know, at some point, these clowns should try heading up one of these departments with somebody who isn't brazenly corrupt, just to spice shit up, y'know?

Hey look, Matt Bevin took his kids to chicken pox "parties," so they wouldn't need any of those Deep State Big Science vaccines! He gave his children a potentially serious disease, ON PURPOSE! And he's fuckin’ struttin’ around like he outwitted The Man in pursuit of God's Own True Freedom. IT'S FUCKING CHILD ABUSE. This maniac processes information with the brain of an unusually dim-witted medieval peasant, and he's the Governor of an entire fucking state? Are we entirely sure Kentucky deserves Senators and electoral votes and shit?

Ben Carson popped up to say he hasn't seen evidence of any rise in white supremacist groups, because I guess he had his head all the way up his ass when that one guy SHOT 50 PEOPLE TO DEATH IN NEW ZEALAND the other day. If it's evidence Dr. Ben wants, maybe show him this SPLC study? Or the story about the white supremacist cop in Virginia? You might have to print ‘em out and tape ‘em to that creepy Jesus painting, if you want him to notice.

Meanwhile, in its not-at-all-racist-how-dare-you-suggest-otherwise effort to secure the homeland, the Shart Administration has denied visas to dozens of women seeking to attend the United Nations’ annual Commission on the Status of Women conference, and I tell you folks, I cannot wait to sandblast every last trace of Stephen Miller from American policy. Gonna bleach the whole West Wing just in case.

Look, just because he steals money from his own charitable foundation to buy (ridiculously tacky) paintings of himself, some people think Government Cheese Goebbels is selfish, but that isn't fair! Why, just today, he gave his buddy Benjamin Netanyahu the gift of a lifetime: a sudden, unvetted, shift in decades-old American policy, recognizing Israel's occupation of the Golan Heights! Why, it's everything a corrupt right-wing fuckhead facing indictment during a reelection campaign could hope for, Donald!

Leaked memos from the commandant of the Marine Corps point out that Sharty McFly's political stunt troop deployments, combined with his proposal to steal as much money as he can get his grubby little hands on from other DoD projects in the name of his faux national emergency, are interfering with training and undermining readiness. Can you believe this CUCK? He actually thinks the military's function is to protect the American people, rather than fluff the President's ego!

Fuck it, I can't take this shit anymore. I'm checking out for a few days. Don't bother me unless we start a war with a country at LEAST as large as Finland.

A Child's Treasury of Petty, Stupid, Men Doing Petty, Stupid, Things, Starring Devin Nunes' Mom F/SC

If there's a limit to my personal capacity to process madness, I'm gonna hit it this week, friends. After St. Patrick's Day in Chicago and three hours of the Bermuda Triangle on Acid known as Amazon customer service, I'm feeling about as mentally sound as a Lovecraft narrator. Forgive me if I drool on you at some point in the course this blog, is all I'm saying.

(I bet you know this by now, but if you want this post with all those nifty links n’ shiny colors, click here: http://showercapblog.com/a-childs-treasury-of-petty-stupid-men-doing-petty-stupid-things-starring-devin-nunes-mom/)

In the aftermath of last week's horrific mass shooting, the government of New Zealand got straight to work enacting gun control legislation WHICH IS WHAT ANY EVEN MARGINALLY SANE SOCIETY WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION. Isn't it fun living in a country where an act of such basic, simple, common sense seems radical? “Oh, dozens of people were murdered by a psychopath, so you took steps to prevent anything like that from ever happening again? How BIZARRE!” If anybody needs me, I'll be in the corner, weeping.

I know we're all constantly fending off 20-foot high waves of news sewage these days, but I confess I'm shocked the Maddow story on Scott Lloyd of the Office of Refugee Resettlement didn't land harder. You'll remember Lloyd as the scumfuck religious fanatic who believed God wanted him to torture refugee children by forcing them to have their rapists’ babies. This creep actually kept spreadsheets tracking the underage refugee girls’ menstrual cycles, I guess to make sure he had all the data he needed to make their reproductive choices for them. Spreadsheets. Y'know, like all totally normal humans do.

Like a third-rate pop star trying to gin up public interest in a crappy new live album, Shart Garfunkel renewed his social media feud with...hang on, this can't be right...with John McCain? But he's been dead for months. I suppose I could attempt to decipher the doddering old nitwit's rage-filled tweets, but honestly, we're talking about the deranged rantings of rapidly-declining madman, screaming at ghosts while painting the walls with his own poo...who gives a fuck?

Meanwhile Senator McCain, from whatever afterworld there may be, simply grinned and offered his old foe one last spectral thumbs down.

Other thoughts that drifted across the Candycorn Skidmark's experimental-hair-tonic-addled mind before he lost control of his wee little thumbs and couldn't tweet anymore included a Distressingly Dictatorial But Hey I Guess We're Used to it by Now So No Biggie rant threatening Saturday Night Live, and a big, sloppy, tantrum that his beloved Judge Jeanine had been suspended for (checks notes) using her platform to belch up hate speech worthy of a Klan rally.

It's nearly Shakespearean, by way of Curious George; a man who holds the power to annihilate entire cities, pacing the room in a fury because he can't make the lady on the magical teevee box come back. Lord. If they ever cancel his favorite Saturday morning Ninja Turtle cartoon, he'll probably order the marines to invade New York City's sewers to get them.

The Republican Party, perhaps having grown weary of the tedium of stoking hatred of the same boring ol’ minority groups day in, day out, dipped wayyyy back into their catalogue to pull out one of the real classics of American bigotry; anti-Irish stereotypes! Yes, the official GOP Twitter account figured St. Patrick's was the perfect occasion to photoshop a little green hat with a shamrock onto Beto's old DUI headshot, cuz HAW HAW HAW THE IRISH ARE ALL DRUNKS HAW HAW HAW.

Again, folks, this was the OFFICIAL GOP account. The voice of the whole dang party. There's no policy anymore, just petty nastiness. As it happens, I've obtained an early draft of their 2020 platform: “Take away our health care, give all our money to the rich, send our jobs overseas or give ‘em to robots, we don't give a fuck, just protect our god-given right to bray like jackasses.” That's it. That's the whole fuckin' thing.

Don't believe me? Well, let's check in with the Missouri State Rep who proposed a bill mandating AR-15 ownership! This chump, now that the massacre in New Zealand has left him looking like a background actor in Shock Corridor, insists his bill wasn't a real bill, he was jus’ trying to OWN THE LIBS! This is a fucking LAWMAKER. Campers, your job is not trolling, it's legislating. Does your party have any purpose anymore beyond irritating folks on the other team?

While the rest of us are fighting to take our country back from a hateful walking shitpile who inspires white supremacist terrorists, Chuck Todd is busy rending his garments while wailing into the thin night air his lament that Barack Obama, for all his so-called gifts, failed to unify this great nation! How? Howe’er did he fail to bring his coalition into perfect harmony with the segment of the electorate that was ravenously waiting for George Wallace But Dumber to come along? I tell you what, if bothsidesism turns out to be fatal, Chuck Todd doesn't have long.

The Failing New York Times published a horrifying report detailing the Saudi crackdown on dissidents under Kushner pal/puppet-master MBS. That murderous thug is lookin’ to get as much killin’ and torturin’ in as he can while America's moral authority is for sale (and so cheaply), before Dad comes back home to make him knock it off with all the journalist-dismembering. Don't forget the Crown Prince is very likely conducting this reign of terror utilizing high-level American intelligence, sold by desperate, cash-poor, how-the-living-fuck-did-he-get-his-security-clearance Jar-Jar himself.

The Big Dumb Trade War is going as well as you'd expect; tens of billions in added costs for American consumers, plus an estimated trillion-dollar sledgehammer to the GDP's nuts over the course of a decade. And still the Very Stable Geenyuss thinks that if he just shouts loudly enough, he can magically erase the job losses at GM that everyone alive warned him would come if he insisted on meddling with forces he doesn't understand.*

Steve King really seems to be having trouble filling his spare time since he got his racist ass booted from his committee assignments. He could've used the opportunity to catch up on his reading (though I imagine he knows Mein Kampf backwards and forwards by now) or maybe start a (whites only) model train display, but I guess he just sits in his office, looking whimsically out the window, fantasizing about civil war.

Turns out Republican fundraiser Elliott Broidy got raided by the feds last summer, which is for the best, because he probably would've gotten super jealous that all the other RNC finance bigwigs were in massive legal trouble, but nobody was interested in his crimes. “What, am I less important than Michael Frickin’ Cohen? I'm an influence-peddling, money-laundering scumbag too, y'know!”

Hey, remember that story about how Alex Acosta used his power as U.S. Attorney to shield Jeffrey Epstein from punishment for his crimes? Which were, for those of you who may have lost track of all the crimes in the news these days, TRAFFICKING CHILDREN FOR SEX? Well, it turns out Acosta's office let Epstein's legal team cherry-pick from among his 40 accusers a slightly older child, thus significantly reducing his requirements to report as a sex offender. That's right, the guy who operated a child sex ring doesn't even have to report as a sex offender in New Mexico, where he owns a great big fucking ranch. Pretty sweet deal you n’ Alex worked out, Jeff!

The good news is, Acosta has been punished for his shameful actions, having been chased permanently from the halls of power, and indeed from all polite society. Excuse me, that doesn't appear to be quite accurate, I'm now being told he's the current serving Secretary of Labor.

Truly, the GOP is the party of family values.

Oh hey, speaking of sex traffickers who travel in and influence the highest circles of Republican politics, Democratic congressional leaders are calling for an investigation into that whole “Florida massage parlor owner/sex slaver with connections to the Chinese government selling access to the President” thing, before we forget it about because Hairplug Himmler tweets that Daffy Duck should burned alive at the stake, or some shit. That's good, but are we certain there are even any available FBI agents left at this point?

We finally figured out why Ben Carson doesn't generate as many What is He Fucking Up/How Much Did He Steal headlines as some of his griftier peers in the Cabinet; he just doesn't show up very much! He rarely meets with staff, and enjoys shortening the work week whenever possible, because lecturing the working poor on their laziness is just plain exhausting.**

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, no longer useful to his Turd Emperor since losing his House Intelligence Committee gavel in the Blue Wave of '18, and desperate for attention, is suing Twitter, citing the ludicrous conspiracy theory of “shadow-banning.” He's also seeking damages because there are all kind of hilarious parody accounts that poke fun at his infinitely-mockable ass. Me, I think Devin's just upset that tales of his treasonous stoogery have made the rounds at Ma Shelton's pork farm, and none of the patriotic piggies will give him the time of day anymore, so he's backed up seven ways from Sunday, if you take my meaning.

Gags aside, this is a United States Congressman trying to punish private citizens for making fun of him. It's kinda scary, but...I can't help but laugh at the dude's paper-thin skin. Call it “Dipshit Wuss Authoritarianism.” Good ol’ Devin. Coming through right when we all really needed a fucking laugh.

Look, folks, if any other news breaks tonight, you're on your own. I've blocked out the next 53 hours of my life to just giggle about the Pigfucker till I pass out.

* ”forces he doesn't understand” here refers to “the economy,” but in other circumstances could mean “NATO,” “human empathy,” or “umbrellas.”

**This marks Dr. Ben's first appearance in this blog that does not end in a joke about storing grain. OR DOES IT?

HOT TAKE: The President Should Condemn White Supremacist Terrorism, Not Inspire It(Ferret/ShowerCap)

Goddammit, I hate doing the blog on days like this. Y'know, we took so much for granted for so long, we assumed so much progress was permanent...we took our eyes off the ball, and now we live in this cesspool of ascendant hate, and people are fucking dying. What do you even say in the face of all this awfulness?

(As usual, you can find this post, with nifty news links, on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/hot-take-the-president-should-condemn-white-supremacist-terrorism-not-inspire-it/)

Fuck it, let's do this. Let's look these evil fucks in the eye. Let's laugh at them where we can, because mockery diminishes them. And where that isn't possible, let's bring vigilance, and the resolve to pry the world back out of their shitty little hands, and never, ever, give it back.

So I guess Shart Garfunkel threw up a plaque at one of his tacky-ass golf clubs, commemorating his mighty victory...in a tournament he didn't even play in. This is the sort of Trump story we all like, isn't it? Tales of a petty, insecurity-driven, buffoon, puffing out his doughy chest, parading his entirely fabricated accolades, imagining he's admired even as the whole world snickers. I wish we could just point and giggle at his pathetic, distended, ego, but my God, the noxious wad of pure hate, festering at the man's core...

Oh my, I guess some rich people got caught doing crimes to get their shitty kids into fancy colleges? Such a scandal! Wait until the American people find out that the wealthy have purchased an entire political party, and use it to turn the world economy into one long private hog trough at which to gorge themselves, while the rest of us subsist on the odd bits of slop that drip from their jowls. O, what “Aunt Becky” jokes shall be tweeted out upon that day!

The folks over at Media Matters have been having quite a time, teasingly doling out snippets of Tucker Carlson's somehow-even-more-reprehensible-than-the-bigotry-he-vomits-up-five-nights-a-week past, as advertisers flee his Fux Nooz White Power Hour. Liar Tuck's allies in the right-wing jagoffosphere keep trying to paint this as some dishonest lefty hit job, but y’all...it's just recordings of Carlson saying things. If there's a vast conspiracy to bring down Tucker Carlson, it's being run by Tucker Carlson.

But it's not all waffles and blowjobs in Hategriftertopia; the Axis of Evil running from Bipedal Tumor Ann Coulter to President Crotchrot has splintered, and now they're divvying up their mutual friends (Ann gets the Klan, Donnie keeps the Proud Boys?), and sitting on opposite sides of the school cafeteria, pelting one another with playground insults and fecal matter. It's all terrifically amusing until you remember millions of Americans actually admire these two monsters.

Young Jacob Wohl continues testing the frontiers of white privilege, filing a police report over fake death threats from one of the fake accounts that got him banned from Twitter. And now Michael Avenatti has inserted himself into this shitshow, because what, Carter Page wasn't unavailable?

Well, it took a little pressure, but President Ostomy Bag finally grounded the Boeing 737 MAX, days after the rest of the world did, presumably because Mick Mulvaney duct-taped him to a chair and explained, loudly and slowly, that being responsible for another deadly crash from a clearly-unsafe plane would net him bad press in the Rust Belt. Of course, this only came after Grandpa Dotard opined that all them new-fangled aero-planes with all their fancy switches and little flashin’ lights and whatnot are just too dang complicated for any pilot to figure out, and back in his day, planes were made of balsa wood and powered by tiny mice on treadmills and that was better, in his estimation.

Oh, and didja see where Fat Q*Bert's shutdown tantrum delayed work on crucial software fixes for the plane? Oh well. At least it was all for a good cause, and important things were accomplished in the end.


After scoring a ridiculously light sentence from a judge who thinks crimes don't count if you're rich and white enough, Paul Manafort finally ran into some serious jail time courtesy of Judge Amy Berman Jackson. Paul whined that he really didn't WANT to go to prison, so please Your Honor, can't we just overlook all those silly ol’ “felony convictions” and send a career criminal back home to his life of unearned privilege and comfort?, and she said ehhhhhh maybe after 7.5 years, 'til then you are...#Manafucked.

And Precocious Paul got a nice little going-away present from Manhattan prosecutors...a shiny new 16-count indictment on state-level charges! While Manafort has been frantically holding out hope that Santa Shart leaves a pardon in his (ostrich skin) stocking this year, these new charges are 100% presidential-pardon-proof! Guess you shouldn't have spent your entire life breaking laws and fucking up the world, bro.

Speaking of New York, the AG has opened yet another investigation into the Velveeta Vulgarian's life of crime, this time...wait, hang on. I'm actually confused here. I'm not fucking with you, I wrote “NY Investigation” on my outline, and now that I'm sitting down to write, I don't know which NY investigation I was talking about. Is it the subpoenas to Deutsche Bank? Did we talk about that already? Or is this about Shartboy's lawyers dangling a pardon in front of Michael Cohen? Perhaps some new investigation into the President's ongoing transgressions against Perfectly Good Steaks? THERE ARE TOO MANY CRIMES AND I CANNOT KEEP THEM ALL STRAIGHT.

One of the things that happened this week that was a little less than awesome was when the President of the United States suggested that if Democrats insisted on continuing to perform their constitutional duty to conduct oversight, maybe his “tough” supporters in the military/law enforcement/roving gangs of bikers would just have to get together and murder them! Yeah, the peaceful transition of power had a nice little streak going, but the showrunners are trying something a little different this season; a sociopathic crook whose last flimsy shield from the long arm of the law is the very office of the presidency! Will he call for civil war just to stay out of prison? SET YOUR DVR!

While there's some controversy over whether or not a sitting President can be indicted, an appeals court ruled that he sure as shit can be sued, because laws still matter sometimes, no matter what Mitch McConnell says. So Summer Zervos’ defamation suit can proceed, even it cuts into Little Donnie Two-Scoops’ golf time.

So, the Shart of the Deal, who wasted all his political capital failing to repeal Obamacare, who has alienated our closest allies, who has been utterly outmaneuvered at every turn by a clownish third-rate dictator like Kim Jong-un, thinks Theresa May should've bowed to his superior deal-making prowess on the whole “Brexit” thing, cuz he'd have sorted it all out by now. This seems like a good time to remind everyone that it took this Stable Genius nearly a month to find the light switches in the White House.

Vice President Mike Pants is seeking a donor match for a hand transplant, after he was forced to meet, and shake hands with, Irish Prime Minister Leo Varadkar and his partner. Mikey Hairshirt will also require extensive skin grafts, after boiling his ears following the pro-equality speech Varadkar gave in his presence.

Wilbur Ross woke up just long enough to get good n’ thoroughly dragged by the House Oversight Committee over his 2020 census fuckery. I like to picture Wilbur hanging out with Alex Acosta, the two of them just shaking their heads in disbelief that nobody's gotten around to firing them yet.

Seeking to tout his Commander-in-Chief cred, Howard Schultz proclaimed that among all the Presidential candidates, it is Howard Schultz who has the most experience with the military, which is an interesting thing to say because Howard Schultz has exactly zero military experience, while there are a couple of actual veterans running in the Dem field. Congratulations, Howard, you've somehow managed to make me take Tulsi Gabbard's side in a fight. You are practically magical in your dislikability.

So, the headlines on the Senate vote to overturn Shartolo Colon's Bullshit Fake Border Emergency tended towards stuff like “Trump Losing Grip on Republican Party as 12 GOP Senators Vote With Democrats to Rebuke His Punk Ass.” Nah, folks. That ain't it. The story here is “Horrifying Majority of Republican Senators Decide Constitutional Democracy is for CUCKS, Idiot Dictator Should Be Allowed to Do Whatever the Fuck His Gumball-Sized Brain Tells Him To.”

Special bonus points to North Carolina's Thom Tillis, who just last month wrote a whole WaPo op-Ed* about how the Constitution is good and we should keep it and read it from time to time and maybe even follow the rule of law, only to completely roll over and decide to go, “Look, it's a musty old document, and it had a good run, but six more years of Thom Tillis in the Senate is obviously more important. I've grown attached to my barber and my salary and really, who needs checks and balances anyhow?”

Lindsey Graham lives his life like a man who wants his biography to be titled, "STOOGE,” doesn't he? After a literally unanimous House vote in favor of a resolution calling for the public release of the eventual Mueller report, Senator Igor blocked the measure in the Senate, perhaps because the President promised him he could sleep at the foot of the bed tonight, instead of in his drafty little LindseyGrahamhouse on the lawn outside the residence.

Pissant Pol Pot himself doesn't think there should be any report at all, of course. Criminals are consistently anti-investigations-of-criminals, don't you think that's weird?

Mike Pompeo announced that the U.S. will deny visas to investigators from the International Criminal Court who might be looking into potential war crimes by American citizens. Mike gets a little more affably villainous all the time, doesn't he? One of these days, he's gonna call a press conference to jovially announce he's tied some woman to the railroad tracks just outside town.

Rugged Robert Mueller has asked for another delay in Rick Gates' sentencing, on account of how little Ricky is still squealin’, and has plenty of relevant squealin’ yet to do. I imagine watching his old boss get booked for an extended stay at club fed has stimulated Mr. Gates’ memory on any number of topics.

Shit be cray, folks. So cray, that we’ve already moved on from that thing where a sex trafficker connected to the Chinese government has been selling access to the President. That story broke just last weekend, and nobody's talking about it today, isn't that something? Living in Hell kinda sucks.

And...fuck. New Zealand.

A white supremacist terrorist killed 49 people at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand. The murdering dirtbag live-streamed his mass shooting on Facebook, and wrote a manifesto referring the President of the United States as “a symbol of renewed white identity and common purpose.".

I'm not really close to making my pick in the 2020 primary, but I feel like “will not inspire white supremacist terrorism” is one litmus test the entire field could pass.

While I've long since stopped expecting decency from the American right, I have to admit I'm blown away by some of the responses to this tragedy. It takes the intelligence of the mold on an overripe pear to just say “mass murder is bad,” and leave it at that, which might explain why Louie Gohmert wasn't up to the task. I'm not usually a gambling man, but if anyone would care to wager that the Republican response to Louie's little statement will be somewhat less than equivalent to their recent performative outrage directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar...I am your Huckleberry.

Rush Limbaugh felt the need to pick up Alex Jones’ spittle-drenched banner, suggesting the shooter murdered 49 human beings at their houses of woship as an elaborate “false flag” operation to make conservatives look bad. Hey Rush, the only thing we need to do to make conservatives look bad is FUCKING TALK TO YOU. Just point a recording device at you loons while you rant and ramble about the things you believe and the way you see the world, and you look like fucking maniacs.

And of course, Hairpiece Himmler, asked point blank whether he thought white nationalism was a threat, said, “nah, it's all good.” Actually, I'm not gonna ride him for this. There's an election coming up, and you can't expect a guy to attack his own base. Take away the potentially-violent white supremacists, and you're left with people who really really liked The Apprentice, and people who rank “the ongoing humiliation of Ted Cruz” as their #1 issue.

Somehow, this rabbit-turd-souled bastard, at a ceremony vetoing the resolution overturning his racist fake national emergency to finance his racist wall, actually had the gall to regurgitate the very same phony, racist, conspiracy theories that had inspired another racist mass-murderer, only a few months ago, in Pittsburgh.

I am very tired of this hateful old man, my friends. I am tired of the violence he inspires and provokes.

But goddammit, I refuse to despair. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. To that end, in the face of all this horror, let me leave you with good news. With hope. Did you see the worldwide student climate strike today? Tens of thousands of young people, all around the planet. Beautiful. Draw strength from them, if you need it. Today, I needed it. The bastards will not grind us down.

Anyway, fuck all that shit. It's Ruth Bader Ginsburg's birthday, y’all. I've got some drinking and planking t'do. Well...mostly drinking.

*Say it out loud. “WaPo op-ed.” Hee.

Tucker Carlson and Other Assorted Bigots, by Cap & the Dominos (Shower Cap/Ferret)

Y'know, things were actually pretty calm in Washington over the weekend. We might have even enjoyed an uncharacteristically normal news cycle or two, had not the maniacs in the conservative media stepped up to fill the void. There's always one more meth-addled clown in the car, isn't there?

(And if you wanna see this post with all those nifty news links, click on over here: http://showercapblog.com/tucker-carlson-other-assorted-bigots/)

Well, the February jobs report was megacrap. Odd that a monthlong government shutdown failed to produce runaway prosperity, don'tcha think? Anyway, has Shart Garfunkel's joyride on the Obama economy finally run its course? Are we facing the consequences of the two-year theatrical run of Ernest Starts a Trade War? Tune in next week to find out, unless there are bread riots!

Bill Shine resigned. That's fine. I don't mind. Should I pine? He seemed unkind. I'm not blind. I won't whine! In fact, I'll fill my stein with the finest wine as I dine on brined swine.

Hey, so I guess a sex trafficker with significant ties to the Chinese government has been selling access to the Grand Wizard Grifter, a man who, as President, has shown a concerning willingness to put American policy up for sale to the highest bidder. I feel like that should be a bigger deal, don't you? I feel like this should be a Drop Everything and Get to the Bottom of it Right Goddamn Now kind of story...so why does it feel like it's landing like “Hey Look at this Video of a Cat and a Waffle who are Best Friends?”

Following a favorable court decision, the Bonespur Buttplug is moving forward with implementing parts of his hateful transgender military ban, which is another story that seems like it oughta be a bigger deal...y'know, the whole “moving backwards on civil rights” thing. I don't want to bother anybody, but it seems like the sort of thing that might matter. A bit. Maybe.

Oh, y'know what else is happening? HHS needs more money to detain migrant children, so they're diverting funds from frivolous little programs like “Alzheimer’s treatment” and “cancer prevention” to pay for more space to lock up little kids, because that's the sort of thing you do when you let a Screeching Rectal Abscess like Stephen Miller set your priorities.

I see Betsy DeVos’ little brother, whose hobbies include war profiteering and freelance atrocities for hire, admitted in an interview to lying to Congress about some skeevy meetings on behalf of the Drumpf campaign, and I bet it's a lot of fun sitting around, waiting to be indicted by the Mueller investigation. Every Amazon delivery brings a little thrill, doesn't it, Erik? “Oh, is it a team of warrant-bearing FBI agents? Not this time, it's just that autographed Jesse Ventura fanny pack I ordered! Maybe I'll get one of those fun pre-dawn raids, better wear my nice pajamas!”

Despite a humiliating loss in 2017, and a lengthy history of censure, the Shittiest of All Possible Alabamans* is coming back for...wait for it...MOORE! GET IT? NOT ‘MORE,’ BUT...nevermind. Anyway, I guess “Judge” Roy Moore isn't quite sick of seeing headlines documenting his proclivity towards child molestation, and wants to run for Senate again. But not 'till he's rounded up every high school yearbook in the state for one giant bonfire, right?

Hey, speaking of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III's old stompin’ grounds, I guess some of the frothier dumbfucks in the Rube Army actually had Government Cheese Goebbels sign their Bibles? Fake Christians engaging in a little light idolatry before the Walking Golden (Shower) Calf? Jesus, that's the sort of literary cudgel symbolism you typically can't find outside of a grad school poetry class.

While Hairplug Himmler has demonstrated little competence when it comes to diplomacy or legislation, the one field in which you must admit he's exhibited consistent excellence is the steady annihilation of shame within the Republican Party. He's really liberating conservatives from the shackles of Concealing Bilious Hatred From Polite Society.

Take Judge Jeanine Pirro, for example! Why, only a few short years ago, JP might've felt constrained when attacking a Muslim Congresswoman, perhaps limiting her tirade to a mere winking dog-whistle. But when the very Commander in Chief spreads racist conspiracy theories straight out of the Daily Stormer fan mail page, why hold back? Pirro got a little slap on the wrist this time, so maybe she'll think twice before she takes that big leap to openly inciting violence against minorities...but then again, maybe she won't.

Well, I'm sure the Judge is just an outlier. It's not like white nationalists are working as staffers on prominent Republicans’ campaigns, or anything. Certainly not in Nebraska, and, I can assure you, most definitely not on Governor Pete Ricketts’ re-election team! Well, ok, except maybe this one guy. It's ok though, the guy totally “regrets” his (checks notes) thousands of posts in a white supremacist chatroom. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

The nation reeled upon learning that the dead-eyed white supremacist with an asthmatic weasel's laugh, aka Tucker Carlson, isn't really the Kuddly All-Amerikkkan Hate-Monger he plays on television. Seems he hates women as much as he hates immigrants, which is...a lot. Oh, and for such a smug moralist, Liar Tuck is surprisingly down with child rape, which will please Judge Moore, if no one else.

Carlson won't apologize, of course, and why should he? Spreading hate and fear is literally what he's paid to do. The bigotry is the whole job description; the tough part is dressing it up like something else. I ask you...do you think the American right would rather get rid of the prejudice, or the pretense?

The moral of the story is, the only jobs you won't lose when you get caught belching up the vilest imaginable hate speech are "Fox News host" and "U.S. President."

Anyway, I think it's well past time we lay to rest this ridiculous notion that our Very Fine POTUS is bigoted in any way! As Wild-Eyed, Bullet-Necklace-Wearing Loon Katrina Pierson reminds us, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is basically Lincoln.

You know who IS racist, though? Tucker Carlson, that's who! Jesus, will I be able to finish tonight's post without Media Matters releasing more of his pathetic drivel? It must be pretty tough to believe in your own racial superiority with that haircut, Tuck. Don't know how you manage it.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this rampant fuckery and unapologetic hate, the Republican base has decided that the real problem is the way they get treated like Klansmen JUST BECAUSE they wear their Klan hoods, excuse me, “MAGA hats” in public. So they're making an app to help them find safe spaces where they can gather to swap QAnon theories and racist jokes while their Turd Emperor gives their bosses tax incentives to offshore their jobs.

Marco Rubio took a little break from tweeting out Bible verses he doesn't follow to lament the explosion at the German Dam in Venezuela, and the ensuing blackouts. While there is no German Dam in Venezuela, there is a journalist named Germán Dam, who wrote an article on the electricity outages. It's this sort of attention to detail that fills you with faith in the men and women who write laws for the rest of us. Seriously, raise my taxes right goddamn now, but let's hire Rubio some staff before he endorses privatizing our nuclear arsenal, having mistakenly assumed he read “modernizing.”

After two years of incessant lying and nonstop failure, the one thing the Velveeta Vulgarian wants to set the record straight on is that he totally didn't call Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple” because he's a doddering old fart in a state of so-rapid-it's-practically-visible mental decline, but because he is a genius who developed a bleeding edge time-saving scheme! Do you have any idea how many taxpayer-funded man-hours are lost annually to the blight of Using People's Real Names? There's gotta be some sorta Nobel Prize for this shit. Get me the Norwegian Ambassador!

And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet dropped his funny little budget today, a deranged love letter to American plutocracy, scribbled in mustard on the inside of a small stack of fast food burger wrappers. Rather than clawing back one nickel's worth of his tax scam's massive giveaway to the wealthy, the budget proposes enormous cuts to the social safety net, cuz the Marm-a-Lago crowd is just plain sick of all the filthy takers breathing their air.

Because he is apparently incapable of learning on a deep, possibly even genetic level, Sharty McFly actually asked for a few billion dollars in Big Dumb Wall funding. Is he addicted to failure? Like some sort of reverse adrenaline junkie, forever jerking off to his own defeats? "Mick! Mick! Set up another summit with North Korea, I need another hit, Mick! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiick!”

And it looks like he wants to replace the entire State Department with a circa 1992 answering machine and a couple of inflatable tube men with Mike Pompeo's face taped to the top. Oh, plus Princess Ivanka gets her very own $100 million slush fund to spend in her ongoing quest for Chinese trademarks. There's even a conspicuously substantial appropriation for experimental hair growth tonic research.

Anyway, I'm releasing my own budget soon, and it calls for a vastly-increased beer allocation. True, Eisenhower warned of the Brewery-Industrial Complex, but ol' Dwight was pretty much a cuck, wasn't he? Anyway, I've gotta go get shitfaced before any more Carlson audio leaks.

*No small statement, that.

I Wonder Who Spends More Time in Jail, Paul Manafort, or the Children in Kirstjen Nielsen's Camps?

I think I've figured it out, folks. We're all trapped in the pilot episode for the new Twilight Zone reboot. In like, some kind of alien zoo or too-much-candy-before-bedtime nightmare or something. Any minute now, the credits will roll, and things will go back normal. Any minute now...right?

Maybe not. Let's do the news. (And if you want this post with all those links n’ stuff, click over to Cap's blog site: http://showercapblog.com/i-wonder-who-spends-more-time-in-jail-paul-manafort-or-the-children-in-kirstjen-nielsens-concentration-camps/)

Obviously I shit on President Crotchrot a lot in my little blog, but even I have to admit he's really good at a handful of things. Like, say, growing the federal budget deficit. He's got a green fuckin’ thumb in that particular garden. That motherfucker's up SEVENTY-SEVEN PER CENT so far this year. Don't worry though; the deficit's exploding and your tax refund is shrinking, but everybody down at Marm-a-Lago has enough extra cash now to gold-plate their vacation homes.

Actually the wins just keep piling up for the Hairplug That Ate Decency, in his desperate, all-consuming, insecurity-fueled, quest to eclipse his predecessor. Hey Barack Obama, you might win the popularity contest, you even won the popular vote a couple times, but did YOU ever have 64% of the American people believing you're a literal criminal? I suppose the real accomplishment here is deceiving that last third.

And you know where else Weehands McNodick is kicking Obummer's ass? The trade deficit, that's where! We're at a record $891.3 billion, how do you like THAT, Barry Soetoro? Now, while he doesn't understand trade or tariffs at all, reducing the trade deficit is one of the only things the doddering old dolt actually cares about, and he’s even managed to fuck that up. He truly has that Reverse Midas touch.

Ben Carson announced his intention to resign his post as HUD Secretary at the end of Shart Garfunkel’s first term. Dr. Carson, I applaud your optimism. The end of Trump’s “first” term, by which I assume you mean January 20th, 2021, is the latest possible date you and every one of the sub-competent, grifting, fucksticks you work with will be gathered in the toilet of history like so many festering turds, and flushed once and for all. If the Impeachment Fairy shows up earlier, who knows when you'll be asked to clean the grain out of your desk?

In New Hampshire, a group of Republican lawmakers figured it would be SO HILARIOUS if they wore pearl necklaces to a gun control hearing, because to be a Republican in 2019 is to be so morally warped as to think to yourself “Hmmm...should I mock the citizens I represent as they share their heart-rending stories of losing loved ones to gun violence? That seems kinda insensi-WHAT AM I SAYING OF COURSE I SHOULD!!!!!!”

Without a docile House majority to shield him from investigation, the Manchurian Manchild finds himself desperately seeking new tactics to put off his long-avoided comeuppance; he seems to have settled on whining. I'm surely not the only one who fantasizes about him screeching “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT” as he's dragged away in cuffs, right? And they're children's cuffs, of course, so he can't slip his tiny, adequate, hands right through them. My fantasies are thorough, and contain important details.

The Oversight Renaissance will not, it appears, be spreading to the GOP-controlled Senate, where Mitch McConnell clearly prefers wallowing in the Dark Ages of enabling corruption and treason, so long as he gets a steady supply of young, terrifyingly-regressive, federal judges to mainline directly into his eyeball. The Cohen hearings provided clear evidence, backed up with documentary proof, that Orange Julius Caesar committed a federal crime, and Senate Republicans, who are literally still investigating Hillary Clinton's goddamn e-mails, refuse to even look into it.

Mike Rounds, who, as a United States Senator, is one of the most powerful people in the world, has been reduced to such a groveling toady that he went on television to dismiss his Turd Emperor's crimes, obsequiously mewling that he only paid off Stormy Daniels because he luvs his family so much. Not enough to stay faithful to his wife, of course, but...y'know, we need to focus on the affection, not the felony. I don't remember Senator Rounds being so forgiving to Hillary Clinton, oddly.

You know who IS getting a shiny new investigation? Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, that's who. House Oversight has decided to poke around in Brian's brazen, multi-front, assault on the right to vote. It kinda sucks to be in a two-party system where one party doesn't believe in Democracy, but at least we've clawed back enough power to put up a fight.

I guess Pissant Pol Pot had to overrule his staff (and basic fucking common sense) to get his comically unqualified daughter a high-level security clearance to match the one given to his comically unqualified son-in-law. National security implications aside, it can really cause tension in a marriage between two scions of ultra-wealthy criminal cabals when one of them has access to classified intelligence they have no fucking reason having, and the other doesn't.

Speaking of Kid Nepotism, we've now learned that young Jar-Jar blocks actual American diplomatic officials from participating in his meetings with his BFFs in the Saudi royal family. Makes sense, frankly...when you're selling American state secrets to journalist-dismembering autocrats for personal profit, nothing spoils the party quite like witnesses.

I swear, one day we're gonna find out that Tiffany has been running drone strikes in the Middle East this whole fucking time.

The latest fruits of the Shart of the Deal's mad international diplomacy skillz went on display in North Korea, where Kim Jong-un thanked Wee Don for his second Hey Have Some Free Legitimacy You Murdering Dictator You summit by swiftly rebuilding a rocket launch site he'd once pledged to demolish. You know the North Koreans are all out there, mooning our satellites at these nuke sites, too. Anyway, it's truly a testament to American strength, being openly mocked by a third-rate, third-world, gangster.

CNN popped by to remind us that the Shart Administration has quietly snuffed out plans to put Harriet Tubman on the 20 dollar bill, because the Bonespur Buttplug will be damned if he lets the legacy of his genocidal forerunner, whose ghost is the only presidential poltergeist that still drops by to give advice, diminish in the face of this newfangled “diversity” craze. Currency is for only the Very Finest People, thank you very much.

Following that killer-if-totally-depressing New Yorker article, Tom Perez says Fux Nooz doesn't get to host a Democratic presidential primary debate, on account of how they're a shameless propaganda outlet for a cheap crook who keeps trying to tear up the Constitution for napkins to wipe ketchup stains off his tie. Are we finally ready to face up to the fact that Fox is less a news organization than a cancer chewing away at American democracy? Cuz it would be really great if we were.

Y'know who else is out at Fux? “Sheriff” Dave Clarke! Why? Who can say? Maybe it's harder to rail against Democrats as baby killers when you're paying somebody who is actually responsibility for killing a baby. Maybe somebody finally woke up and realized that a grown man who pins toy badges to his shirt because he think it makes him look a general in a movie he saw once isn't a good advocate for...well, anything.

We need to make sure Kirstjen Nielsen keeps getting trotted out for the cameras from time to time, because she's a fucking monster, and with all the day-to-day insanity, sometimes we forget about what a fucking monster she is. In an administration packed with the malicious, the incompetent, and the cruel, her evil is matched only by Stephen Miller's.

Nielsen had to appear before the House Homeland Security Committee, and boy was she ever unhappy to be dragged away from the work she loves so much...torturing children. It's hard to decide what infuriates you most about Kirstjen: her casual indifference to the suffering she's responsible for, or her shameless lying about the atrocities committed under her authority. She sat there and lied, under oath, about things Congressmen and Senators had seen with their own two eyes. She said the cages they've thrown children into don't count as cages because they're bigger than dog cages.

And when the hearing was over, she went back to work. Not jail, work. The work of overseeing this network of concentration camps, full of children, even babies, opened and operated on American soil in the name of “homeland security.” While I sincerely hope Kirstjen rots in a jail for the rest of her life, I confess I'd also kinda like to see what she could bring to the role of Lady Macbeth.

I see Michael Cohen swung back by the Capitol to give his new friends on the House Intelligence Committee some gift baskets, full of artisanal sausages, scented bath products, and documents showing how his scumfuck ex-boss’ lawyers amended his previous statements to Congress so that everybody's bullshit story lined up.

Speaking of the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, his bad breakup with the Velveeta Vulgarian has entered a new phase. Cohen wants his toothbrush and his Guns n’ Roses t-shirt back, and also $1.9 million in what he claims are unpaid legal fees, because I guess the paychecks stopped flowing when he started that whole “cooperating with the government” thing. Reached for comment, the Trump Organization responded, “Snitches get stitches, not paid!”

Hey look, Fat Q*Bert called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple!” What a delightful and amusing example of the rapid mental deterioration of a hateful old man who just so happens to posses the power to spread atomic death across the globe at the slightest whim! Ha ha ha! Hope he takes it well when his children are indicted!

So, Finnish journalist Jessikka Aro is a legit hero, having done the important (and dangerous AF) work of reporting on the Russian disinformation apparatus that ratfucked America so hard that we actually miss George W. Bush. And in thanks and tribute, she was set to receive the prestigious International Women of Courage Award...until some enterprising little Shartkin uncovered some social media posts where Aro dared to criticize the Archbishop of Fecal Worms, and the award was rescinded, because that's just how fucking petty our rulers are these days. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll scrounge up some sort of plaque to give to Sean Hannity commemorating his groundbreaking work in the field of Making Up Shit That Scares Old White People.

I guess you can add “high school records” to the list of embarrassing secrets the Candycorn Skidmark desperately hides from the public, alongside “college grades,” “tax returns,” “real net worth” and “actual weight.” In a couple of days, we'll probably learn that he sent thugs to break his elementary school principal's legs, too. You know in grade school, his parents didn't even get a report card, just a bill for all the paste and crayons he'd eaten.

Well, the House finally passed a broad resolution saying racism and bigotry is bad, a depressingly controversial idea in Donald Trump's Amerikkka. You'll be pleased to learn that 23 Republicans actually voted against the fairly general, non-binding, condemnation of hatred. Of course Republicans were really hoping for the public stoning of Representative Ilhan Omar, maybe with a little amendment saying “the only Republican in history who was ever the tiniest bit racist was Steve King but we totally took care of that,” but cooler heads prevailed and a better, more inclusive resolution was crafted.

Cap: Hey, let's play a game! It's called “Guess What Your Federal Government Has Been Up To?” Who has a guess?

Doe-Eyed Summer Child: Helping people? Making American citizens’ lives better?

Cap: WRONG! What are you, some kind of fucking idiot? You're in Trumptopia now, dumbass! Who else?

Objective Reality: Tracking journalists and immigration activists? Keeping detailed dossiers on American citizens? Harassing them at the border, denying them the right to cross and do their jobs?

Cap: We have our winner! That's right, Virginia, you live a fucking POLICE STATE! You get a scratch n’ sniff sticker! Of a butt! No more games, let's drag ourselves across the finish line, this shit is killing me tonight.

Lemme just give you a headline on this next one: “Wilbur Ross broke law, violated Constitution in census decision, judge rules.” Pretty straightforward, right? Cabinet secretary violates the Constitution of the United States of America, his resignation will be on the President's desk before the sun sets, surely. I mean, the only way Wilbur Ross could possibly be allowed to remain in his post, without facing any consequences at all, not even revoking his discount in the White House mess, would be if the entire executive branch were basically one giant kleptocratic crime ring, an ethical black hole where...oh hang on, I get it now.

Anyway, basically all of my core beliefs were reaffirmed today, when a Republican Congressjag literally defended Nickelback on the floor of the House. That's not a cheap gag I've been holding onto to fill space, folks, that happened in real life. Clearly compromise with these people is impossible; it's a battle between good and evil now...at least I picked the right side.

I see Paul Manafort, after his life of crime and treason, having lied repeatedly to federal law enforcement and violated a previous plea agreement, has been sentenced to a mere 47 months in prison, laughably, almost tauntingly below the guideline range. Anybody out there still doubting that this is Hell? Bueller? Bueller?

Clearly worried that he's TOO popular, the Marmalade Shartcannon is now looking to raid military pay and pension funds for “emergency” money to build that Big Stupid Wall that nobody wants. If the guy wants to keep dropping bowling balls on his own crotch, I say let him.

Ok. That Manafort sentence...I need to go scream into the void for awhile. What's that? Look, find your own void to scream into, mine's fuckin’ full, okay?

If Roger Stone Wants to Go to Jail So Badly, I Say Let Him, and Other News (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Aw, thanks for all the birthday wishes, Shower Captives. I may be getting surly in my old age, or maybe it's just the news, assaulting me like a tennis ball machine lobbing ball-peen hammers directly at my temple. Let's wade through it and find out...

(As always, if you want the post with links, your wish is my command...simply click here:http://showercapblog.com/if-roger-stone-wants-to-go-to-jail-so-badly-i-say-let-him-and-other-news/)

The President of the United States strolled out before the slobbering pack of feral assclowns that make up the CPAC audience, dry-humped a flag, and ranted like a deranged street preacher from a deleted scene in a Werner Herzog film for two hours. It was like watching Colonel Kurtz address Jonestown immediately following an icepick lobotomy.

What, am I supposed to go through that entire feature-length Klan rally rant to break down every lie, delusion, and treasonous digression? There's not enough beer in the world. This is what they pay Daniel Dale for.

You know, Donald Trump really is an amazing man, capable of amazing things. Don't believe me? Well, I'd never have imagined that an all-but-openly-genocidal nutcase like John Bolton had anything resembling a reputation left to ruin, but watching that Emaciated Wilford Brimley Clone bumble through the Sunday Shoz, trying to explain precisely why the President had strapped on a collar and handed Kim Jong-un the leash, I realized that there's always a little more room to fall, especially when you voluntarily enter the orbit of the Decency Black Hole squatting in the White House.

Roger Stone, unaccustomed to accountability after a life of free-range scumfuckery, keeps poking at the limits of his gag order, literally trying to sneak the publishing of an entire book past the judge presiding over his case. And his cutesy little Instagram posts have drawn the watchful eye of Bodacious Bob Mueller himself. Yeah, Roger seems to be in an awful hurry to report to prison, and even though I don't care for the guy, I think we should give him what he wants here.

The Oversight Renaissance is flourishing, my friends! You could basically put the names of all the Democratic House committee chairs in one hat, and a list of every known crime in another, and play Mad Libs on a “________ announced an investigation into the President's alleged _________” template.

Maxine Waters is pokin’ around in Wee Don's dealings with Deutsche Bank to see if there's anything more sinister than the inevitable safe deposit box full of experimental penis enlargement pumps. Of course the Velveeta Vulgarian is already so terrified of Adam Schiff that his grandkids are all trying to get ahold of Adam Schiff masks for Halloween. Elijah Cummings got the party started last week with Michael Cohen, and now he's coming for young Jar-Jar's security clearance.

And then there's Jerry Nadler. For anyone under the impression that Jerry Nadler is fucking around, I am here to inform you that Jerry Nadler is not, in fact, fucking around. If you wanted to write a Broadway musical about the House Judiciary Committee finally fulfilling its constitutional duty to conduct oversight of a historically corrupt executive branch, you would probably title it Jerry Nadler is Not Fucking Around. You could have all the chorus kids dress up like document requests, but you'd need 81 dancers. Just so far.

They seem to want an awful lotta docs, friends, from a long list of shady characters. I'm sending ‘em my third-grade report on the noble aardvark, just in case. You know, sometimes a document request grows up to be a subpoena, and sometimes subpoenas turn into televised testimony, and sometimes, when the Rule of Law and a Scandal-Weary Nation love each other very much, they have a special hug called Impeachment. I'll explain it when you're older.

Anybody else sick of articles about how our intelligence community has to practically make balloon animals and pole dance to get the Candycorn Skidmark to pay attention to the security briefings that are designed to give him the information he needs to, y'know, protect the country from harm? I guess the latest strategy involves framing the briefings in economic terms. Joke's on you, IC! Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops doesn't understand the economy any more than he does the nigh-supernatural engineering behind the fearsome umbrella!

Hey look, Rand Paul decided to actually stick to one of his loudly-professed principles for a change, and it looks like we've got the votes to overturn Government Cheese Goebbels’ unconstitutional emergency declaration! Of course, the Dotard is expected to veto the measure, but only after hiring Russian hookers to pee on it first. Anyway, we'll have the official vote soon enough, and we can all enjoy a wild-eyed, unhinged, cackle at just how few Senate Republicans are willing to protect our Constitution from this reckless wannabe dictator.

Looks like Matthew Whitaker has left the Justice Department, or maybe been fired, or maybe he just lost his keys to the vigorous flush of an extra-manly toilet. No word at this time whether this departure has anything to do with the fact that Matt a raging dumbass who no rational person would trust to run a Dunkin Donuts, let alone the fucking Department of Justice.

Guess who's joining Whitaker on the unemployment line? Squeezably-Soft Telefascist Sebastian Gorka, who totally wasn't fired by Fox, you guys, he just finds the intimacy of smaller, nuttier, fringier, outlets so much more REAL, y'know, none of that bullshit corporate propaganda-spewing! Basically he's a hipster hate-monger, and he'll be reciting manifestos in sandwich shops by Xmas.

Maybe Matt n’ Seb can pitch a reality show about two rage-filled losers with no marketable skills trying to find jobs, or even human beings willing to spend ten minutes in their company.

Hey, you know the ship is running smoothly when a yogurt-brained troll like Brad Parscale can cause turmoil in the highest levels of the executive branch by going into business for himself and passing off his personal pet policy as an official Drumpf 2020 campaign plank. Of course, when the high-water mark for competence among your inner circle is Reince Priebus, you have to expect this sort of thing.

Hey, if you want somebody to take a wet sloppy dump right in your Crunch Berries, how ‘bout spending some time with this article from the New Yorker? It's a light-hearted romp through the story of how Fux Nooz devolved from a merely dishonest spin factory to an all-consuming parasite, infecting America's worst and dimmest with fear and hate and lies, weaponizing the weak-minded and weak-willed for the benefit of the wealthy, until a certain Marmalade Shartcannon waddled up and said, “Hey you rubes, let's see if we can't burn this whole fucking country down in four years or less!”

Other highlights from this guided tour of Rupert Murdoch's Made-to-Order Misinformation Hellscape included a little tidbit about Fux getting ahold of the Stormy Daniels payoff story before the election, and killing it on behalf of the Emperor of Turdmaggots, and also Fat Q*Bert's ham-fisted* attempt to get the Justice Department to stop the ATT&T/Time Warner merger, because CNN hurt his fee-fees with all their verdammte fact-checking and objective reporting.

You'll be pleased to learn that Louisiana Senator John Kennedy helpfully lent his phony Aw Sucks I'm Just A Country Boy Not a Willing Steward for Fascism charm to Tangerine Idi Amin's plan to tack the First Amendment to a cross and incinerate it. John's such a slick, insidious, fraud...one of these days he's gonna tour one of Kirstjen Nielsen's Kiddie Koncentration Kamps, dressed as some nightmarish clown, passing out sugar cookies and lemonade.

I see Shart Garfunkel rolled out the drive-thru buffet for another visiting championship team today. Amazing. He only repeats his dumbest ideas, have you noticed that? Tariffs, wall money demands, North Korea summits, fast food. Or maybe he's just trying to cheapen the presidency so much that nobody but a cheap grifter like himself or his dull-eyed, sluglike, children would ever want it, who knows?

Hey, we've finally got a date for that make-up election in the North Carolina 9th, after all that criminal Republican election fraud! If you've got a spare buck or two, toss it Dan McCready's way, because somehow, his likely Republican opponent actually looks like a step down from “Pastor” Mark Harris. Never underestimate the ability of the GOP to find somebody even worse, is all I'm saying.

I keep telling y’all that we live in Hell, but I know many of you remain doubtful. “You're just a drunk fuck in a superhero bathrobe and luchador mask, Cap, what do you know about Hell?” Fair enough. But if this isn't hell, how do explain the story about how the World Motherfucking Wildlife Fund has been financing horrific human rights abuses for years? SEE? HELL!

Wow. Kinda slow so far this week, huh? It's been three whole days since my last blog, and we've only seen as much batguano-level insanity as an equivalent year in the Obama administration, as opposed to the customary full-term's-worth. Maybe I won't need the whole six-pack to dull my senses and grant the sweet escape of slumber tonight.

*In describing Trump as “ham-fisted,” I'm obviously talking about the tiny little cubes used in salads.

Cohen Confesses and Gaetz Gets Gelded While the Second Summit Super Sucks: A Roundup (Ferret/SC)

Yeah, I'm a little late this week. Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap turned 40 a couple days back, so frankly, it's a miracle I sobered up long enough to even find my computer. Oh hell, and it's a long one tonight. Expect typos, is what I'm telling you.

(As usual, you can find this post on Cap's blog site. It'll make a bit more sense with all the links n’ shit: http://showercapblog.com/cohen-confesses-and-gaetz-gets-gelded-while-the-second-summit-super-sucks-a-roundup/)

Bad news for Roger Stone's pal Andrew Miller, as an appeals court ruled that Rugged Robert Mueller's investigation is totally constitutional, so Andy can expect a very constitutional boot up his ass any day now. You'll be plucking amendments out of your stool for days, fuck-o.

Princess Ivanka, whose life's work has consisted mainly of manufacturing cheap crap that nobody wants using daddy's money and stolen designs, has some thoughts on the dignity of work, SUCK IT, SHERROD BROWN. I didn't watch the whole interview, but I think she said something about rewarding the servants who bear her palanquin with extra-fancy specialty pet food, if only on holidays.

In the midst of this truly hectic week, I was delighted to return to the hotel one evening to find the most delectable schadenfreude bonbon on my pillow; Jacob Wohl, that poor man's James O'Keefe*, has been permanently banned from Twitter. Considering Jacob is famous solely for being a sycophantic dumbass on Twitter, this is pretty much the Useless MAGA Chump version of amputating Jimmy Page's hands.

Well, Michael Cohen finally debuted his highly anticipated cabaret act, “Torch Songs and Crimes the President Told me to Commit” before the House Oversight Committee, and the Q&A session that followed was, as the kids say, lit.

Yes, the Fascist Farthuffer's Former Fixer confirmed, under oath, what we learned months ago at his sentencing, namely that the President of the United States has committed honey bunches of crimes, and by the way here are the documents to prove it. The rest of the hearing featured the Democrats on the committee attempting to learn the full extent of those crimes while the Republicans acted like a single, hydra-headed, mob attorney, because now that they lack the power to cut rich people's taxes any further, their only remaining purpose is to facilitate the Trump Cabal's corruption.

But just to make my dutiful sacrifice to God of Bothsidesism, I do think Dems really missed a golden opportunity here, to like, ask Cohen to confirm some shocking detail with a quick, “Says who?” and then Mike would go, “Says me! And also this secret recording I took.”

I tell you what though, when Republicans send their Congressjags to the Oversight Committee, they're not sending their best. Or...dear God, what if they are? What if Clay Higgins, who honestly believes he tricked Cohen into revealing the existence of a secret cache of documents he'd hidden from an FBI raid, really is the brightest mind the GOP has to offer?

They seemed particularly incensed that Cohen was pursuing a book deal, which, they say, would only feed the scourge of reading.

But even as we struggle to learn the extent of the criminal conspiracy operating out of the White House, we must not lose track of the true victim here: Mark Meadows’ feelings. Rashida Tlaib called Mark out for the racism of the Sad Tokenism Theatre he attempted in trotting out Trump's One Black Friend to twirl for the cameras, and he quickly melted down into a puddle of quivering Well I Never self-righteous defensiveness.

Meadows would surely still be merrily shuttling from stop to stop on the Conservative Media Victimhood Circuit, clutching any and all available pearls till they were crushed to atoms, whining about the unjustness of the accusation, had not the inevitable video of his gleefully racist attack on President Obama surfaced in precisely the amount of time you figured it would, which is to say immediately.

Still, you must confess Meadows’ gambit permanently dispelled all questions of Trump's racism. As we all know, the handbook clearly states that for every one (1) black employee, you are entitled to baselessly call for any five (5) persons of color to be executed by the state for crimes they did not commit.

Other earth-shattering news from the Cohen hearing: Don Junior is dumb! Ok, maybe it's not news, but boy, if you're so fucking dumb that a dude who surrounds himself with weapons-grade idiots like Ben Carson and Rick Perry thinks you’re dumb...woo. That's I-need-Cliff-Notes-to-get-through-a-Larry-the-Cable-Guy-routine dumb.

Plus there's all sortsa fun new plot lines to follow now. Potential insurance fraud? Fine, throw it on the investigation pile! New witnesses to subpoena and depose, including a guy with the Sopranos-by-way-of-SpongeBob monicker “Matthew Calamari?” Why the fuck not? All I really want at this point is for a weary Elijah Cummings to turn to a colleague and remark, “We're gonna need a bigger Oversight Committee.”

Oh, and I guess one part of Cohen's thug portfolio involved threatening Donnie Dotard's old colleges into keeping his grades secret? What a treasure trove those college records must be...my sources tell me he once submitted a five-page essay on how the lime green crayon is the best crayon because it's pretty even though it doesn't really taste like limes.

Before we move on from the Cohen Cavalcade of Cooperation and Corroboration, we should note that Mike has, rather unsurprisingly, been disbarred. Luckily, he'll soon have Florida Congresstwerp Matt Gaetz to keep him company! Gaetz seems to have been competing in some sort of “what the douchiest possible way to illegally intimidate a witness” contest, but at least he covered his tracks by posting his crime publicly on Twitter. I guess Matty figured he'd rather be a SCROTUS stooge than a lawyer. Heh. I bet that pays off for ya, kid. Donnie's notoriously loyal, after all. Just ask Mike Cohen.

Anyway, it sure feels good to be Democrat these days, doesn't it? Now that the rule of law is a partisan issue, you can't help strut a bit when you think about how your party isn't the one that's been reduced to a pack of docile enablers for an organized crime family. But hey, if you really wanna feel some swagger, lemme ask you this: what has more than 120 million thumbs and just got the first major piece of gun control legislation in a generation through the House? THIS PARTY.

Also, Matt Whitaker, who you may recall briefly guest-starred as Acting Attorney General after Jeff Sessions left the cast over creative differences, is under investigation by the House Judiciary Committee for possibly perjuring himself regarding his dirtbag boss’ justice-obsructin’ ways. Hey kids, while you've got him under oath, I'll bet those toilets weren't unusually “masculine,” either.

I see the Influence-Peddling Feeding Frenzy known as the Trump inaugural committee earned yet another subpoena this week. That's SDNY, and AGs from D.C. and New Jersey, if you're keeping track. This has been today's installment of Scandals That Are Bigger Than Anything That Happened During the Entire Obama Administration But Don't Even Merit Front Page Coverage in This Shitshow.

Looks like McRae Dowless is joining the less-exclusive-by-the-day Republican Shitweasels in Jail Society, facing charges for various acts of fuckery in his campaign to steal the North Carolina 9th for “Pastor” Mark Harris. Don't forget there's a new election coming up there, campers, and we've got a great candidate, Dan McCready, who could really use your help. Unless you want this cartoonish dipshit to win.

Only Nixon could go to China, and only Little Donnie Two-Scoops could go to Vietnam to be utterly, thoroughly, perfectly, cucked by a ten-cent autocratic thug like Kim Jong-un. For the second consecutive time.

That Kim, who rules over a kingdom of gravel and toenail clippings, can run laps around the supposed leader of the free world has every Washington and Lincoln on every 1 or 5 dollar bill in my wallet weeping tears of blood. I don't know what we expected, the Shart of the Deal walked in with the shittiest imaginable poker face, so desperate for a win that he walked back verification demands before even sitting down. Of course, it would all prove worth it when the summit got cut short early without one fucking thing getting accomplished.

And even though his groveling yielded nothing at all, even less than the empty promises of the last “summit,” Weehands McNodick wasn't quite done humiliating his nation. He lavished the murderous dictator with praise, even letting him off the hook for the death of American citizen Otto Warmbier, enraging Otto's grieving parents and causing the Statue of Liberty to resign her post in shame. Kim probably could have shown Donnie the cell where they tortured the poor kid to death, and he'd have gone on Hannity to praise the decor.

And then...THEN, and I swear I'm not making this up, Hairplug Himmler went and cancelled joint military exercises with South Korea anyway! Dude, he's just not that into you! You're never getting into Kim's silos, ok?

If Fat Q*Bert was looking for some sort of snickeringly on-the-nose visual metaphor for his clogged-toilet-overflowing-with-the-turds-of-failure week, he sure got it, in the form of the demolition of the sad, lonely, prototypes for the Big Dumb Wall That Will Never Ever Ever Get Built. A fitting monument to his reign.

Alas, we need to step back from pointing and laughing at President Used Enema Water's Spectacular Carnival of Failure to note that coal lobbyist Andrew Wheeler, whose blood type is black lung disease, has been confirmed as head of the EPA. While Wheeler is unlikely to replicate the zany, theatrical, grifts n’ crimez of his predecessor, he'll certainly make your air dirtier, and your drinking water more poisonous, and also he'll probably break into your kitchen to replace your Folgers Crystals with a dead, oil-soaked, pelican, just to see if you notice the difference.

Oh, I guess in the background, there’s some potentially mushroom-cloud-level brinkmanship going down between India and Pakistan? You can be forgiven for not noticing, with your windshield so thoroughly crusted over with domestic batshit. Anyway, if you're reading this on your laptop or phone in 2019, congrats, we survived! If you're experiencing this in a museum of Earth history on one of Jupiter's moons centuries from now, then YAY ME for writing some shit that survived the atomic holocaust! Suck it, Faulkner!

Hmmmm...maybe we should linger on the international page for a bit, since it looks like Benjamin Netanyahu has run into a spot of bother. Let's hope Bibi's on the cutting edge of a global trend here. All the hot, stylish, countries will be indicting corrupt chief executives this year...you wouldn't want to be left behind, would you?

And the Clowncar Full of Rectums known as CPAC convened for their annual Yelling and Lying and Rolling Around in Piles of Each Other's Shit party, presumably with the goal of putting to rest once and for all the myth that there are any sane Republicans left in America. I don't hate myself nearly enough to go through every single line of hateful drivel those loons spat out, but...short version, everybody took turns screaming at dead John McCain and then they served burgers with MyPillows for buns, because that's the only company that wingnuts aren't boycotting now.

The really horrifying thing to contemplate is the trajectory. What will CPAC look like in a decade, when the likes of Candace Owens and Seb Gorka are the ones writing the nostalgic editorials about the bygone civility of yesteryear? Who will speak? Richard Spencer? Hitler's Brain in a Jar? A Teddy Ruxpin doll playing tapes of old Laura Ingraham speeches, backwards, thereby summoning shit-belching demons who proceed to primary Louie Gohmert and Jim Jordan from the right?

Paul LePage weighed in on the debate about the Electoral College, praising it as a tool of institutional white supremacy. That HAPPENED, folks. If anybody ever tries to tell you racism is over, you just point them in the direction of the dude who was governor of a whole fuckin’ state, for two terms, arguing publicly and without shame that we can't just hand non-white folks the power to choose their own leaders.

Further evidence that we've achieved a truly Star-Trek-esque level of cultural harmony surfaced in the very statehouse in West Virginia, where the state GOP brought a poster-sized anti-Muslim hate meme, comparing Rep. Ilhan Omar to 9/11 terrorists, to a rally. Someone was actually injured in the resulting kerfuffle, but I'm told the incident's true victim was Mark Meadows.

It seems as though one of the fundamental truths of the universe is that Jared Kushner has no business with a high-level security clearance. Like, if a report from CERN announced that findings from the Large Hadron Collider prove that Jar-Jar shouldn't be allowed to handle classified intelligence, you'd go "makes sense” and move on with your day. Like, aside from the nepotism and the glaring lack of qualifications for any gig that necessitates access to such intelligence, the kid's two most prominent qualities are “super dumb” and “unusually blackmailable.”

But even after all the red flags, all the clearance form falsifications, the Marmalade Shartcannon overruled literally everyone, and decided that the national security of the United States of America had to take a back seat to his empty-headed son-in-law's ambitions, saying, “Look, Jared's not a bright kid, he needs all the help he can get. If he didn't have America's most closely-guarded secrets to sell to the Saudis, how do you expect him to get out from under all the stupid real estate deals he's made? We're talking about real money here, he can't hold a bake sale. Anyway, he doesn't know how to bake. Or even crack an egg, honestly.”

Even John Kelly fired off a memo opposing the move, as if to tell future law enforcement officials, “Look, y’all, I know I'm complicit in some shady-ass shit, and when the bill comes due, I'm totally fucked, but if you're wondering how the contents of the CIA's central servers wound up in Riyadh, I was on the record opposing this particular bit of treasonous idiocy.”

Gosh, President Crotchvoid sure has had a rough week, huh? Normally, for a world leader to see this much failure, they need to preside over a declining empire as it's sacked by goths. You know what would help him unwind? If the shiny new Democratic leadership of the House Ways and Means Committee finally got the ball rolling on uncovering those tax returns he's been guarding, so jealously and fearfully lo these many years. Hee hee. There's no golf course in the world so large that you won't see the walls closin’ in on you, Shart-Shart. Enjoy your weekend.

...and I'll enjoy mine. Like, when you turn 40, you get a little kid birthday again, right? A weeklong celebration where you have cake for dinner every night, only there's beer now too? That's my plan, anyways...

*OUCH, right?
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