TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalOvercharging the American People for Concentration Camps is the Most Donald Trump Thing Ever(Ferret)
This week's news fell out of the ugly tree & hit every single branch on the way down, & then the squirrels that live in the ugly tree took turns shitting on it. The news is buried under the poo of ugly squirrels, is what I'm telling you. So let's dig it out, I guess.
(If you're thinking, “gosh, if only this post had a bunch of news links,” BOY HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: http://showercapblog.com/overcharging-the-american-people-for-concentration-camps-is-the-most-donald-trump-thing-ever-other-news/)
Let me say that the last three years have taught me immense respect for journalists and the work they do. I am beyond grateful for every single story exposing the corrupt rot of the organized crime ring currently squatting in our government. THAT SAID, if you're so warped by the intoxicating air of proximity and access to power that you went to Sarah Huckleberry Slanders’ godforsaken going away party, turn in your damn press pass. Fuck, turn in your American citizenship. That woman is one of the greatest villains in our country's history; she was given a huge pulpit and all the power that went along with it, and she used it to shred, maul, and dismember the very idea of truth. You don't drink with someone like that. You don't politely applaud her off-key karaoke rendering of Hold On by Wilson Phillips. My God, can't we muster a little light shunning when it comes to the unapologetically evil?
Hey, speaking of human garbage, Duncan Hunter is...wow. He's what “living your best life” looks like when you're an irredeemable piece of shit. Seems he was financing not just lavish family vacations, but multiple affairs, with illegally embezzled campaign funds. Oh, and he's now been accused of drunkenly groping a staffer. I haven't seen any articles that explicitly state this, but I don't think Dunc Tank’s marriage is going to survive this.
Hey look, Sonny Perdue's Agriculture Department has been hiding research on the effects of climate change, which, as you'll remember from middle school, totally invalidates any and all conclusions of said research under Newton's Eleventy-Fifth Law of Science. You don't hear a whole lot about ol’ Sonny, but frankly I appreciate the organization-wide consistency. Kinda like when Elaine Chao turned out to be Fifty Shades of Crooked, too; we're not obligated to give any of these unscrupulous fucks the benefit of the doubt. So, in about six weeks when we find the meth lab Rick Perry built in the Department of Energy break room, we won't even blink.
Acting Customs and Border Protection Commissioner John Sanders resigned after just two months on the job, expressing surprise at just how quickly a human soul can acquire an irremovable stain. It's getting hard to find somebody sufficiently cruel to fill the post of America's Chief Atrocity Officer; I imagine the interview is just Mick Mulvaney ordering candidates to strangle a corgi puppy to death with their bare hands, and dismissing anyone who hesitates.
Adding insult to inhumanity, this week we learned just how much our American concentration camps are costing us; $775 per child per day. Fuck, the party of fiscal responsibility can't deliver child torture on a budget? Can't the Shart of the Deal work something out with his old Chief of Staff, John Kelly, who's profiting off this abomination? Is Paul Ryan at all concerned about how much this state-sponsored terrorism campaign will add to the deficit?
Shit, Stephen Miller'd run ‘em for free, y’all know that. Creepy little bastard would PAY $775 per child to make them beg for soap and toothpaste.
Of course, Meghan McCain helpfully reminded us that the real victim of the mass detention of children in horrifying conditions is Meghan McCain, because she feels these kids aren’t being tortured as hard as her father was at the Hanoi Hilton, and holy fuckballs, what sort of weapons-grade self-absorption must be running through your veins to make you interject that garbage into a discussion about children suffering and dying?
And Jerry Falwell, Jr. wants everyone to understand that while the Bible says you shouldn't worship golden calves, it doesn't say anything about kneeling before a golden toilet. A proud, devout, fellow like Jerry wasn't going to stand idly by while a so-called Christian heretically claimed “Hey, torturing children is bad,” no sirree! He skillfully invoked Matthew 4:17, which reads “And Jesus said unto them, if thou hast ne’er made a payroll, shut thy fucking mouth about literally everything.”
...like, I know the religious right is all one giant, cynical, grift, designed to part fools from their money, but aren't there like, six or seven people who may've at least skimmed the Bible anywhere in the evangelical movement? Is no one at least checking the index for the world “payroll?”
God knows America's faux holy men were unmoved by the now-iconic photo of a father and daughter who drowned attempting to cross the Rio Grande after being turned away at a legal point of entry. In fact, the newest member of the gang of white nationalist thugs taking the nation's immigration policy out for a malicious, homicidal, joyride, Ken Cuccinelli, couldn't wait to slither out onto television to piss on their graves.
Yet another of Th’Best People bit the dust, as Shart Garfunkel’s Chief of Protocol departed amidst allegations that he menaces staff with a horsewhip. And we Resisters are so battle-hardened now, we don't even bat an eye at that kind of (admittedly deeply weird) shit anymore, do we? “Horsewhip? Sounds about right, anyway, where's the next protest?”
Mark your calendars, the Robert Mueller Experience is coming to your town! Yes, The Bobadook will be testifying publicly before the House Judiciary and Intelligence Committees next month, much to the chagrin of a certain Walking Pile of Donkey Crap Who Shall Remain Nameless. Many of the dumbest men in human history, who are coincidentally members of the House Republican Caucus, are hilariously overeager to “trap” Mueller with gotcha questions about conspiracy theories they pulled straight from the Breitbart comments section, and it's like waiting for your third grade teacher to sit on the whoopie cushion you left on her chair for April Fool's day, only instead of a fart noise you get the delectable justice of watching a bunch of collaborating shitweasels self-immolate.
(In fairness, Matt Gaetz may not be able to devote his full attention to humiliating himself on national television this time 'round, as his attention is likely to be divided, what with his brand new House Ethics Committee investigation, into that one time he decided to revolutionize the field of anonymous threatening phone calls by using his very public twitter account to intimidate Michael Cohen instead.)
Anyway, it's gonna be a show. Mueller isn't expected to say anything we don't already know, but as his recent televised statement proved, America just needs to see him say all this shit out loud. Yes, the report is right there for anyone to read; no, we're not going to read it, not with so many Candy Crush levels yet to be explored.
Musings and invocations go out to the absolute rat finks at NRATV, the latest casualties of the Scumfuck Death Merchant Civil War wrecking the National Rifle Association. Rest in a Festering Pile of Liquid Shit, you monsters. Even as we've watched the American conservative movement flirt with open fascism, YOU, you murder-pimping colon polyps, suckling the blood of slaughtered children from the teat of Money And Frankly Not Really Even All That Much Money, stand out as unusually morally warped amongst the chorus of turd-gargling demons that make up the modern Republican Party. In conclusion, fuck off forever.
Seems a waitress in Chicago spit on Eric Trump. The real story here is that apparently sometimes, Eric goes out in public without getting spit on. Actually, no, that's not right. The real story here is that apparently sometimes, Eric goes out in public without all decent human beings pelting him with shit until he flees in shame. I confess, I think that's weird.
Kellyanne Conway now faces a subpoena after refusing to testify at a hearing about all the times she objectively and unapologetically broke the law, in front of cameras and everything.
They're really all in on this “your laws can eat my ass” thing, and I guess I get the logic behind that choice. I mean, when you were installed by a hostile foreign power expressly to fuck America's shit up seven ways from Sunday, what's a Hatch Act violation here and there? Like, I bet Steve Mnuchin stopped paying his parking tickets, because why throw money away when there's an outside chance the boss declares himself President for Life and you survive the ensuing civil war and your ill-gotten wealth is still worth something in the hellish world that follows and okay maybe we didn't quite think this shit through but fuck your subpoena anyway.
I see President Gas Station Urinal Cake is feuding with another athlete, Megan Rapinoe from the U.S. women's national soccer team. Like all decent people, Rapinoe wants to stay as far away from Weehands McNodick as possible; like all people who achieve success and greatness without cheating, she drives him insane with envy.
The Roberts/Gorsuch/Kavanaugh Supreme Court majority delivered a tragically predictable gravy boat full of fuckery with their gerrymandering ruling, consistent with their belief that there's a “Whites Only” sticker on the back of the Constitution. In related news, Republican legislatures around the country are uniting to send personalized thank you notes to every single Jill Stein voter in the Rust Belt, reading, “Without your mush-brained self-righteousness, none of this would have been possible, and we'd have to change with the times and listen to the voters instead of hand-selecting the voices that get to be heard, P.S. climate change is a hoax.”
The census decision went a little better (for the moment, anyway), and President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive did NOT take the news well, though you'd think if there was anything he'd be used to by now, it would be losing in court. So, naturally, he unhesitatingly suggested delaying the census until such time as he got his way, and isn't it amazing how his first instincts are always terrifyingly anti-constitutional? Like, at next year's State of the Union, he's totally gonna propose quartering soldiers in private homes. For no reason. Just cuz.
Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson dropped a diss track on Jared Kushner this week, as Jar-Jar was apparently in the habit of sneaking around and doin’ diplomacy behind Low-T Rex's back. I find this story oddly cheering, actually; divvying up foreign policy between two such incompetent goons for so long, it's kind of a fucking miracle we didn't wind up as a protectorate of Belgium or some shit.
Over in Japan, Government Cheese Goebbels shared a shitty little laugh with Putin, over the latter's once and future acts of war against the United States of America, and of course their shared hatred of the free press. It's nice to see Vlad humor his underling like that. Surely it must make every American heart swell with pride, seeing our President treated as one of Vlad's most prized pets. No forgotten, unloved, hamster is Donald J. Trump; he gets to sleep right at the foot of the bed. Sometimes.
But Jimmy Carter (aka One of the Presidents Who Actually Likes America) wants Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops to know he can still kick his ass with one leg while building houses for the homeless with the other. And who should pop up to tsk tsk at former President Carter than our old friend Jeff Flake, in what had to be a bid to transcend mortality as the very God of Self-Parody.
Some lucky white supremacist prison gang just gained a lifelong member, as James Alex Fields Jr. has been sentenced to life behind bars for his act of murderous terrorism in Charlottesville. One of the underrated factors in the 2020 election is the sheer number of potential Trump voters who'll be in jail for violent crimes on Election Day.
I guess it got really goddamn hot in France, hot enough to melt Jim Inhofe's snowball, probably, but not his brain, which told young Jim it was going to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes one bright September morning in 1946, and hasn't been seen since.
And yeah, we had our first two Democratic primary debates, and I don't really want to wade into that discussion here, partially because I don't want to alienate anyone in the readership, but mostly because I know we're basically all pulling for a Sestak/Williamson ticket.
That's enough madness to tide everybody over until Monday, right? If not, I dunno, drop some acid at look at pictures of Carter Page in silly hats or something, I'm going out for a beer.
Hans Christian Andersen's Classic Tale, "Chuck Todd & the Normalization Fairy️" (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Y'know, we went into this presidency with expectations somewhere between “incessant shitstorm” and “the end of all human civilization,” but sometimes I still can't fathom how we arrived at the monstrosity of this moment. But then I realized, we've been receiving regular visits from the Normalization Fairy™️!
(And yes, this post can be found, only enhanced with all those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/hans-christian-andersens-classic-tale-chuck-todd-the-normalization-fairy%EF%B8%8F/)
The Normalization Fairy™️ transforms the abominable into the everyday, through the simple act of repetition. You see something horrific in the news, and scream “How the living fuck can we allow this to happen?!?” and then a month later it's still happening but somehow there's a new episode of The Bachelorette every week, so I guess we've figured out how to live with it. That's the Magic of Normalization!
(Some will claim I'm ripping off Paul Krugman's “Confidence Fairy” bit, and to those who do, I say you're goddamn right I am.)
For example, not an hour after the last rant went up (I don't do updates; the bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-wearing drunkard's union forbids it.) we learned that Hairplug Himmler waddled riiiiight up to the line of bombing Iran (probably to get John McCain's ghost to stop haunting him), only to back down at seemingly the last possible instant, and we all went “Oh, that wacky Dotard, he just can't make up his silly ol’ mind,” rather than “HOLY FUCKBALLS, A DANGEROUSLY MISINFORMED NITWIT VERY NEARLY LAUNCHED ANOTHER FUCKING MIDDLE EAST WAR, A QUAGMIRE GUARANTEED TO DEVOUR BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND THOUSANDS OF LIVES!”
This, my friends, is the Normalization Fairy™️ at work. Reckless, nonsensical, ever-shifting, often-contradictory, foreign policy? That's just how shit works nowadays, gosh I hope he doesn't nuke Tehran HAW HAW HAW but seriously, he's not gonna do that...right?
Anyway, one of the great things about living in this batshit day and age is realizing all those simple fables you were heard as a child do in fact contain real, applicable, wisdom. The Boy Who Cried Wolf? TOTALLY REAL. There are so damn many conflicting accounts of the almost-but-not-quite Iran strike, from the Pentagon, from anonymous sources, from the Shart House, from Iran, that we have NO FUCKING IDEA what really went down, or why. But you instinctively ruled out President Ostomy Bag’s version, didn't you? Because he's a lying liar who lies. There's a lot of room for fuckery in a scenario where the American people don't trust their own President, even in matters of war, and let's hope no wolves figure out the specifics before the flock gets to elect a new shepherd.
We keep learning more about the horrors of the Trump Concentration Camps, seemingly every hour. While I've literally lost track of the articles documenting the barbaric conditions in these hellholes, the Republican Party remains laser focused on the real problem; the shameful incivility of applying the (1000% accurate) “concentration camp” label to the MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
Nifty little Super Villain Team-Up going down in Oregon, with the state-level GOP adapting to their massive failures at the ballot box by partnering with heavily-armed domestic terrorists! I tell you what, ever since James Cameron took over the Bundy Ranch franchise, everything's gone to shit. And friends, if our new pixie pal works her magic here, what will have is fascism. Right-wing governance at the point of a gun. Normalize at your own risk.
Did you hear about E. Jean Carroll? You may not have. You probably never imagined you'd live in a world where a woman offering a credible, supported, story of her rape by the sitting President of the United States doesn't rate as front page news, but you do. “Ho-hum, how many is that now? Yes, of course he probably did it. No, he won't face any consequences whatsoever, and not one single evangelical ‘Christian,’ from the dingiest Appalachian diner to the floor of the United States Senate, will abandon him for it.”
Even when the Adderall-Addled Assclown's desperate claim that he never met Carroll was actually preemptively debunked by a photograph in the original article, the story barely registered. The Normalization Fairy™️ isn't a “good” fairy, in case that was unclear.
(Demented little follow-up to this story; I guess a Trump-supporting executive over at the New York Murdoch Rag, excuse me, “Post" ordered the removal of multiple stories covering Carroll's allegations from their website! Somebody's been reading Orwell for Dummies!)
Another story the Normalization Fairy™️ mischievously buried was the bit where Baron Golfin von Fatfuk petulantly threatened a reporter from Time Magazine with prison time, mid-interview. Just casually. Hey, it's just how he talks. No big deal. It's, like, his catchphrase. “I will use the power of the state to crush all dissent, to punish any pushback, however slight.” Cue laugh track. Roll credits.
And Sharty McFly had so much fun backing down from his threatened attack on Iran, he backed down on his threatened massive weekend immigration raids, too. Never have I been so grateful for the trembling cowardice at the heart of all his braying bullying.
But of course now the Grifter Grand Wizard is falling back on his favorite political tactic: hostage-taking! “If Democrats don't agree to remake the immigration system to match the one Stephen Miller sketched out in 8th grade in his fanfic sequel to the Turner Diaries, I'll resume my cruel, despised, raids, and that will be all Democrats’ fault!” Amazing. Old bastard’s unfit for the presidency for God knows how many reasons, but “inability to learn from repeatedly making the exact same mistake” should be way up there on that list.
Again, it's this bizarre combination of Chief-Wiggum-esque bumbling, and raw evil. On the one hand, you have a cud-brained dolt, smugly deploying a strategy that has blown up in his face repeatedly, which is pretty fucking funny...on the other, the President of the United States is saying SUBMIT TO ME COMPLETELY OR I WILL CONTINUE TORTURING CHILDREN, SOME OF THEM TO DEATH.
A federal judge unsealed a treasure trove of text messages between Paul Manafort and Sean Hannity, granting enthralling insight into the bromance that blossomed between two of America's leading shitmaggots, as they worked to destroy the rule of law for fun n’ profit.
And here's the Normalization Fairy™️ once more, to sprinkle some pixie dust on the Cruel Litter Box of Objective Reality she's about to rub our noses in: these texts, which conclusively prove Hannity colluded with a multiple felon in order to deceive his viewers on behalf of the criminal cabal squatting in our White House, will not lead ONE brainwashed Fux drone to question their estimation of him as the lone beacon of truth in a sea of “fake news.”
Now a word from our sponsor, Folgers!
“We've replaced Chuck Todd with a stuffed muskrat doll that goes, ‘Whatever you say, Mr. President!’ whenever you pull its string; let's see if America can tell the difference!*”
In a world with a genuinely urgent need for brave, professional, journalists to speak truth to power, Chuck Todd aspires to no greater heights than “giving power a brief, ineffective, shoulder massage. If I may amend a famous phrase, ever so slightly, “When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross, and Chuck Freaking Todd will hold the door open for it, and ask it if it would like a Diet Coke.”
Anyway, Chuck-O gave America one helluvan interview, if your tastes in journalism run to the sycophantically humiliating. President Gas Station Urinal Cake repeated his long-ago-disproven lies about how he wasn't responsible for his own family separation policy, that was all Obama in a Donald Trump mask. And how many Americans, with lives too full to follow the news closely, watched that segment, and assumed, because Todd made no correction, that this horseshit spin was the objective truth?
Additionally, Fat Q*Bert, whose track record since assuming office is like What if the Cleveland Browns Had a Meth Problem, says his “biggest mistake” was appointing Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Th'Third as his first Attorney General. Because it led to the Mueller investigation, you see. The one that uncovered all those felonies. Yes, including the coordinated conspiracy of a hostile foreign power to attack our nation.
(By the way, yes, Chucky really asked THIS President at THIS moment in time what he would do if he could have “one do-over.” It's just a shame we didn't have time to find out who Fuckhead's favorite Spice Girl is.)
We're still not done with this fucking interview, by the way. Wouldn't want to skip over the latest episode of The Most Powerful Man in the World Cravenly Kisses Murderous Autocrat Mohammad Bin Salman Al Saud's Ass, would we?
Watching our President scrape and bow to such a cheap thug, ever eager to sell out the values that made America the greatest nation in the history of the world for the equivalent of the change in MBS’ sofa, makes me want to find the precise global pinpoint I'd need to stand on so that when I projectile vomit enough H.R. Giger-Xenomorph-style acid to burn through the entire planet, it winds up melting Shart-O's tacky-ass gold toilet when it finally comes out on the other side.
...the Normalization Fairy™️is dating Chuck Todd, did I mention that?
Contrast Todd's Would You Like a Breath Mint While You Use My Platform to Lie to the American People, Sir? debacle with Jake Tapper's interview of Vice President Mike Pants. Watching it, you'd almost think Tapper was engaged in an elaborate piece of performance art designed specifically to shame Chuck, but then you realize “no, he's just demonstrating fairly rudimentary, honest, journalism.”
See, Mikey Hairshirt told some lies, about stuff like pollution and asylum seekers, and rather than offering him a spotlight and a megaphone, Jake called him out on his bullshit. Admittedly, Tapper didn't swear as much as I would have, or, y'know, kick the skeevy little creep square in the junk like he deserves, but I'll overlook all that in light of the segment where he made the Pusillanimous Puritan squirm trying to reconcile his loudly-professed-but-seldom-actually-followed Christian beliefs with the concentration camps full of children his administration is running.
While we're on the subject, to any historians in the far-flung future who may be reading this, kindly note that when the chips were down, Pious Pencey-Poo chose torturing children over the teachings of Christ, without a nanosecond's hesitation or a thimbleful of regret. In fact, if that's not on his tombstone, fix that shit right now.
In sports, the world champion Toronto Raptors announced they will not be visiting the Shart House, possibly because they don't wish to consume stale fast food in the presence of a slovenly fascist.
A new romantic comedy, Blocking Annie Donaldson, starring Katherine Heigl, will tell the tale of a former White House attorney, and the lawless federal government trying to prevent her from testifying before the House Judiciary Committee in the name of “absolute immunity,” which, like “presidential harassment,” and “John Barron,” is not a real thing. They haven't worked out the ending yet, it's either gonna be the tearful airport reunion between America and the Rule of Law, or the death of democracy. We'll see how the test screenings go.
Team Treasonweasel is similarly blocking Kellyanne Conway from testifying about the Hatch Act violations she collects like fucking Pokémon. Wonder if she can find a willing militia to back her up on this one.
Axios got ahold of a bunch of the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor's Transition Team's vetting documents (a handful of soggy Burger King napkins, no doubt), revealing that they fully understood the goons they were screening for Cabinet-level gigs were basically a great big flock of rectums...but they hired them anyway.
There was an entirely understandable red flag on General David Patraeus, who, after all, leaked classified intelligence to the woman he was cheating on his wife with, because after months of leading your frothy hordes in maniacal LOCK HER UP chants, you couldn't very well hire a dude who indisputably and admittedly committed greater crimes that Hillary Clinton was ever accused of. JUST KIDDING the “red flag” was because Davey Boy opposes torture.
Anyway, just a quick heads-up, anyone who is willing to accept a post aboard the Good Ship Treasonweasel? That's your red flag. ANYBODY who would agree to work for such a malicious, subpar, grievance-driven, anti-intellectual, hate-filled, scrotal boil as you, Mr. Trump, sir, is utterly unqualified for whatever post you might have in mind, from Secretary of State down to whoever launders the Vice President's hairshirt.
I see former Shart Campaign advisor Jason Miller lost his job over a juvenile Twitter rant directed at Jerry Nadler, and hang on, I'm confused, are consequences still a thing or not?
I gotta ask you, folks...Are you ready to move to SESTAKISTAN? Because there's a brand new presidential candidate in town, and he's absolutely SESTAKULAR! Get ready, America, because he's the LAST SESTAKTION HERO and oh god please make it stop please please please tie up all the old white guys who aren't running for President already before they get any ideas please please please.
Hey, if anybody isn't thoroughly revolted by day's news yet, your Commander-in-Chief thinks he can deflect rape allegations by saying “she's not my type.” Did I mention this man's political base is comprised almost entirely of the performatively religious?
Well, that's all the shit that's fit to wade through tonight, folks. Just a heads up, I won't be posting this Thursday cuz I’ll be watching the SUSPICIOUSLY SESTAKLESS Democratic primary debate (and it sure would be nice to have some beer to drink while I watch, HINT HINT) instead. I'll check in with y’all on Friday.
*Yeah, I use the Folgers joke too much. You don't like it, write your own fucking blog.
Roy Moore is Back, in Case You Were Worried the News Didn't Have Enough Buttholes. (Ferret/SC)
Y’all, the history books written about this demented era are gonna need disclaimers: “No we fucking swear all this shit really happened. Yes, even Carter Page. We think people were just a whole lot dumber back then.” Let's add another volume, I guess.
(As always, you can find this post, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/roy-moore-is-back-in-case-you-were-worried-the-news-didnt-have-enough-buttholes/)
Well, the Adderall-Addled Assclown officially launched his reelection campaign at a hate rally in Orlando, leading a manic mob of ravenous rubes in a rousing chorus of “It's a small world, build a wall*.” It's weird, and probably not ideal, that the rant, overflowing with lies and incitement of hatred towards minorities and the media, didn't seem especially newsworthy, with some networks even cutting away early. “Oh, President Racist Grandpa still hates refugees? And one of his scumfuck supporters assaulted a journalist again? That's nice dear, don't forget to take out the trash.”
Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan withdrew from consideration for the full-time gig, after his plan to avoid vetting by Just Hoping a Giant Comet Ends All Life on Earth Before Anybody Googles Him fell apart, and the whole world found out about his family's frankly tragic history of domestic violence. What a clusterfuck. I mean, Shanahan was bad at his job, and never should've been appointed in the first place, but how arrogant and incompetent do you have to be to try to sneak that shit past the FBI background check and the press?
Speaking of Th’Best People, this week we learned Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Canada doesn't seem to like actually spending time in Canada, missing 300 days of her year-and-a-half-long tenure. So naturally, they're promoting her to U.N. Ambassador! In fairness, it's hard to reward excellence in your organization when you studiously avoid it in the initial hiring process.
Looks like Paul Manafort doesn't have to go to Rikers after all, because the Deputy Attorney General of the whole dang United States apparently has nothing better to do with his time than tend to the comfort of the Individual Wonder's felonious pals. Precocious Paul has blown right past “white privilege” to the heretofore-unexplored stratosphere of “white criminal with dirt on a mind-bendingly corrupt President privilege,” which turns out to be pretty handy. Maybe he can get Bill Barr to hand-smuggle the ol' ostrich jacket into prison, for comfort.
Katharine Gorka, wife of Squeezably Soft Telefascist Seb Gorka, has been hired as the new spokesdemon for Customs and Border Protection, and I for one appreciate the honesty of hiring an unapologetic white supremacist for this particular post. What did the Gorka courtship look like, I wonder? Sneaking out in the middle of the night to hold hands while spray-painting hate speech on the side of a local synagogue? Romantic fireside readings of the Turner Diaries? Or, more likely, two rage-filled mediocrities settling for one another on the basis that hating the same people would at least give them something to talk about over dinner.
You're probably expecting me to cover the sordid tale of Jerry Falwell, Jr. and his infamous pet pool boy, but lordy, I'd rather boil my eyeballs in Diet Dr. Pepper than read that shit. Look, if you want something newsworthy, show me one of these creepy pro-Trump faux holy men actually behaving in a remotely Christ-like manner for a change. “Jerry Falwell, Jr. Demonstrates Compassion, Charity, and Love for All Humankind,” that'd be some man bites dog shit, right there.
And Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Grievance-Driven Egomaniac Who Only Ran for President in the First Place Because an African-American Guy Laughed at Him”) continues to cling tightly to his decades-old grudge against the Central Park Five, and he's certainly not going to let a silly ol’ thing like “conclusive exoneration” stand in the way of his precious, precious, hate. The point is, our Totally Not Racist How Dare You Even Suggest That President has spent half his life trying to get five innocent black men killed, and he's still pissed off that he failed.
Hope Hicks testified before the House Judiciary Committee behind closed doors, only she didn't really, because Shart House lawyers claimed an all-powerful “absolute immunity” from questions pertaining to her time there, which they must've pulled from Harry Potter or Magic: The Gathering, cuz it sure as shit ain't in the United States Code. Thus she was unwilling to comment on a wide variety issues, ranging from the treason stuff to why nobody told Stephen Miller how fucking stupid he looked with the spray-on hair.
A handful of Senators received a classified briefing on UFO sightings, and honestly, if I had that kind of clout I'd be looking for a way off this fucking planet, too. Shit, is there some way I can get on Mark Warner's staff? Or at the very least his bar trivia team?
Lenny Pozner, the father of a child killed at Sandy Hook, won his lawsuit against a couple of human crotch warts who are so fucking broken that they published a book claiming the massacre was a hoax, and that Pozner's child never existed. In an era where the awful people seem to be winning, and winning precisely by virtue of their awfulness, it's nice to see there are still consequences for doing something as monstrous as tormenting the families of murdered children. You're next, Alex Jones.
I'm trying to lose weight, but two things are making it difficult, 1) beer, and 2) I keep gorging on articles about the destructive internal turd-flinging going down in the halls of the National Rifle Association, where the murder merchants are turning on each other like they're character actors in John Carpenter's The Thing. Empty calories, I know, but so fucking delicious.
A United Nations investigation found the conspiracy behind the barbarous killing of Jamal Khashoggi reached the very highest levels of the Saudi monarchy, and Jared Kushner is worried that means he's going to have to cancel a few play dates with Murderous Mastermind MBS. The Turdmaggot Administration's response to this news, which confirms the findings of our own intelligence community, is to kiss these monsters’ asses, overruling the findings of their own experts to keep the Saudis off the list of nations that recruit child soldiers. Oh, and for good measure, selling them a fuckton of weapons to continue their genocidal war in neighboring Yemen.
One of the fun things about 2019 is that you can commit any imaginable atrocity with the full blessing of the world's lone superpower if you're just willing to bail the hyper-corrupt ruling family out of their business failures.
Now, Saudi Arabia's behavior is so abominable it's led to holy-shit-that's-rarer-than-a-unicycling-dodo-bird bipartisan condemnation, and I suppose we should be grateful that a handful of Senate Republicans still possess enough of a moral compass to stand up to journalist-murdering and genocide (for now, anyway), as the Senate voted to block the arms sales. But of course, Hairplug Himmler plans to veto the bill, probably because Jar-Jar didn't get all his money up front.
And we now find ourselves in the midst of a great national debate about whether or not we should call the Government Cheese Goebbels’ concentration camps “concentration camps,” or something less accurate, like “happy fun time play centers only with no games and a much higher death rate.” Republicans are upset, because they want the concentration camps, but they're worried that calling the concentration camps “concentration camps” will draw attention to the fact that they're the party of concentration camps, whereas Democrats want to shut down the concentration camps because they are FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
Gosh, it's tricky. If you're trying to work out the ethics here, I know we live in a morally complex world, but a good rule of thumb is “Always pick the side with the fewest Cheneys.”
And Chuck Todd, in perhaps the ChuckToddest act of his life, lashed out, not at the monsters who opened the FUCKING CONCENTRATION CAMPS, but at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, for calling them what they are**. This is what happens when you're so blindly devoted to the ridiculous ideal that there are two equally-reasonable sides to every issue that you can imagine no greater sin than incivility. If bothsidesism had an ass, Chuck Todd would be so far up it, he'd own a nice little condo in the small intestine.
While we're all bickering about labeling, the Shitweasel Administration is in court, arguing that they're not legally required to provide detained children with soap, toothbrushes, or even fucking blankets on the concrete floor of their definitely-not-a-concentration-camp cells. What kind of sewage-hearted sphincter blister would make that argument? Like, when you're in the shower that morning, getting ready for your hideous day's work, do you think “damn right those LITTLE KIDS don't deserve this” when you reach for your Dove bar? Follow up question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Anyway, let's all enjoy a Lovecraftian cackle at the absolute madness of our Department of Justice fighting for multiple felon Paul Manafort's comfort while claiming jailed children don't deserve soap.
Roy Moore, having failed in his efforts to procure funding for a brand new shopping mall of his very own that he could never be banned from, announced another Senate run today, I guess because he missed having the whole country talk about how he’s a child molester. Anyway, if I was Doug Jones, I'd buy a couple lottery tickets today.
Republican lawmakers in Oregon are pulling the ol’ Stay Home From Work to Deny a Quorum trick to keep Democrats from passing a climate bill, on the increasingly-popular conservative “if we don't win, fuck you, we won't let you govern anway” principle. Just for seasoning, state Senator Brian Boquist suggested that if the Governor sent state troopers to make him do his job like a grownup, he would murder them ho ho ho what a merry jest.
Anyway, at the precise moment when I hit “post” on tonight's blog, we weren't at war with Iran yet, so I guess for everyone who isn't the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton's Upper Lip, the week hasn't been as bad as it might have been. So go out and get a beer tonight; you never know, by the time you get home, you may have been drafted.
On that pleasant note, see ya next week, Shower Captives!
*Get it? Because Orlando is where Disneyworld is? Never mind.
**Which is CONCENTRATION CAMPS, if you haven't been paying attention.
"Bad Polling? Fire the Pollster!" and Other Leadership Solutions From a Great American Dipshit F/SC
I was several hours into reading the day's news before I realized, to my chagrin, that I had neither consumed hallucinogenic drugs nor experienced severe head trauma, and therefore all this shit was really happening. Which is a shame. Well, let's dive in.
(And yes, Virginia, this post is available, with all those nifty gnus links, at: http://showercapblog.com/bad-polling-fire-the-pollster-and-other-leadership-solutions-from-a-great-american-dipshit/)
Mike Pompeo got all pissy with Chris Wallace for doing journalism at him, which is totally unfair, what with all those hoity-toity ivory tower elitist questions about whether or not it's ok for hostile foreign nations to install personal pet presidential puppets. I tell you what, if Mikey were half as good at diplomacy as he is at feigning outrage, he'd been one helluva Secretary of State, but of course he's not and he isn't.
PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT: It looks like treason might be contagious, as a disturbing number of congressional Republicans are showing symptoms. Take Utah's Chris Stewart, who agrees with his Turd Emperor that accepting intelligence from foreign nations is just the bee's knees, as the kids would say. The whole fucking GOP has become a shitty hive mind, like a bloated, sloppy, Borg cube, careening through space, hitting on teenagers at intergalactic shopping malls, and lying about the number of races they've assimilated, all while wearing an enormous, too-long, space necktie.
Faced with the problem of humiliating leaked internal polling showing him trailing Joe Biden like so much toilet paper stuck to the bottom of a shoe, the Bonespur Buttplug demonstrated the sort of deft, outside-the-box leadership that enabled him to build extravagant wealth from the humble beginnings of Daddy Handing Him Extravagant Wealth; he fired the pollsters. The strategy of ignoring unwelcome information until it disappears in a puff of wishful thinking has never worked with my utility bills, but I'm more than happy to watch Littlefinger surrender to his delusions.
He seems quite comfortable in his little fantasy land, actually, confident that the American people are so enamored with mortifying failed summits with murderous dictators and multi-billion-dollar trade war payoffs to damaged farmers that they'll demand he stay in office past the second term he's not going to win, and maybe next time he goes to England they'll let him ride the Hogwarts Express. I'm starting think the reason they nearly fucked up that first Easter Egg Roll was Donnie thinking the Bunny would take care of it.
And the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits ordered a massive, government-wide cut to science advisory boards, as part of his ongoing Revenge of the Subpar initiative. The operating theory here is that science, like an unflattering poll, will simply go away if you ignore it. I bet Jar-Jar's Middle East peace plan ultimately comes down to just covering Palestine with a little piece of gaffer tape on every White House map and globe.
It fucking may as well, it turns out. Let's take a moment to roll around in the absurdity of a sentence like, “A White House official says that Israeli representatives have not been invited to the Trump administration’s Israeli-Palestinian peace conference in Bahrain next week.” Oh, did I mention the Palestinians aren't coming either? I think this is just Jared going on a really long flight to play Scattergories with MBS. Maybe wander around a bit later, get some drinks and a funnel cake, dismember a couple of journalists, y'know, make a night of it.
Speaking of Israel (smooth transition, Cap), Benjamin Netanyahu did indeed follow through on his promise to slap Shart Garfunkel's name across a settlement, a rare ego boost when it's far more common to see that name pried off hotels and apartment complexes by eager crowbars*. Of course, the truth about this particular settlement turns out to be hilarious and fitting.
After seemingly months of teasers, we finally got to see the whole interview between the Marmalade Shartcannon and George Stephanopoulos. Beyond the famous “gosh yes I love treason and would like to sprinkle Russian intel on my breakfast cereal” bit, he reminded us that he is still chronically dishonest, dumber than a box of hair, and curiously incapable of emotionally processing the simple act of a colleague coughing. In short, he remains blatantly unfit for literally every job on Earth, and we've given him the single most important one.
In a rare break from whining like a spoiled rich kid who doesn't like his Intro to American Lit grade, Little Donnie Two-Scoops showed off his redesign of Air Force One, which he colored all by himself, and he stayed inside the lines and everything. Oh, and a fun little sidebar on this story; apparently the whole reason the President of the United States spends his time handpicking the racing decals for his plane is because his staff has learned to distract him with shiny things to keep him from getting so bored he starts actually wielding the power of his office, and that's a really really good idea but also sorta HOLY FUCK WHO'S RUNNING THE COUNTRY and nobody's let Stephen Miller see the nuclear codes, right?
But what are they districting the Candycorn Skidmark from? Oh nuthin’ much, just cyberoperations against Russia. See, the military has to hide this stuff from the COMMANDER IN CHIEF because they're worried he might tell Putin on account of maybe being a Russian asset or just really terrifically fucking dumb, who's to say? But definitely either too traitorous or too stupid to trust. One of the two. Sleep tight.
So just to recap, we're distracting the President with airplane coloring books so we can run military operations without him tipping our enemies off in advance. You know, I don't believe that I, personally, will demand this Trump fellow serve any additional terms at all.
And with the keen political instincts of a Lyndon Johnson (Only With Festering Custard Instead of Brains), Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot pledged to return to his signature fuckup, excuse me, “signature issue” of health care, promising once again to repeal the ACA, and replace it, probably with Folgers Crystals and a Dr. Teeth bobblehead. Normally, our president's boneheaded inability to learn anything about anything is detrimental, and in fact, really quite dangerous, but if he's hellbent on repeating the mistakes that washed 40 members of his party out of the House last November in that big, beautiful, blue wave, I'm willing to look the other way this once.
In the end, all the projectile idiocy and airplane drawings in the world weren't enough to rescue Strawberry Shartcake’s interview in the ratings, as it appears the nation's appetite for watching spray-tanned nimrods lie badly has diminished. Looks like the only thing the American people are demanding of you, old man, is that you go away so Celebrity Family Feud can come back. Ouch.
Screeching Rage Geyser Alex Jones finds himself neck-deep in a fresh new pile of steaming hot shit, as he seems to have, in the process of turning discovery files over to lawyers representing the Sandy Hook families he terrorized for years, included a little child pornography. Now Jones actually may not be guilty here (the images in question were sent to InfoWars e-mail addresses rather than from them; we'll see what the investigation turns up), but if the universe feels like being a little less than fair to this odious human fistula, I plan on shedding nary a tear. Oh, and he's 100% guilty of threatening to murder one of the lawyers, sooooooooo...
The Colonworm Administration officially cut off all foreign aid to Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador until they agree to to construct a giant, magical, End Undocumented Immigration button, and press it. Now, it takes a fucking potato to understand that reducing this aid will make these nations poorer, and therefore make MORE residents seek better lives elsewhere, thus exacerbating the very problem this action is intended to address, but the American people, in their wisdom, found Hillary Clinton's e-mail server to be so egregious a sin that a President with a sub-potato IQ was deemed preferable.
And now 1,000 additional troops are headed to the Middle East. Congrats, y’all get to be the very first sacrifices in the blood ritual which will bond John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to His Upper Lip for another hundred years.
I always like to top things off with good news when I can, and y’all have dutifully consumed several servings of overcooked spinach and succotash-but-with-broken-glass-instead-of-corn, so I figure you deserve a little dessert. The Supreme Court upheld the un-gerrymandering of Virginia's state legislative maps, meaning the Republican majority has to actually face the will of the voters this fall, rather than simply removing their power to choose their lawmakers. Nice win, yes?
And y'know, if you feel like sneaking down to the kitchen a little later, when everybody else is asleep, for a second serving of pie, how about the delicious little morsel of Future Reality TV Contestant Anthony Moochawhocareswhathisrealnameis trying to pick a fight with E Street Band legend Nils Lofgren? I'm not saying this was a lopsided battle, but maybe picture Mike Tyson boxing Dustin Diamond?
Anyway, yeah, it's kinda light tonight. Just a little saber-rattling with Iran and that thing about the military hiding what it's doing from the President. Hardly worth mentioning. Slow news day. (cackles insanely)
*My forthcoming children's book, The Eager Crowbar, tells the tale of a socially awkward but determined young crowbar who eventually achieves her dream of liberating a grateful skyscraper from the taint of the Trump brand.
Atrocity, Lawlessness, Deception, and Louise Linton: Your Madness Roundup (Ferret/Shower Cap)
This week's news reads like an issue of Mad Magazine, guest edited by H.P Lovecraft after an allergic reaction to bad shellfish. If you're reading this blog near other people, you may want to keep a pillow handy, to scream into.
(As always, this post is available, with handy-dandy news links, on Cap's humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/atrocity-lawlessness-deception-and-louise-linton-your-madness-roundup/)
Well, Hairplug Himmler isn't going to let a silly little thing like “torturing an American citizen to death” undermine his bromance with murderous autocrat Kim Jong-un. Responding to a report that Kim's murdered half-brother was a CIA informant, the Dotard swore he'd never ever let the big bad United States spy on his little buddy like that again.
Anyway, to any rogue regimes who may be reading my humble poo joke blog, if you happen to be illicitly developing weapons that can snuff out tens of thousands of human lives in an instant, take comfort in knowing that in exchange for an insincere compliment or two, the President of the United States of America will merrily suspend intelligence-gathering operations in your nation. It seems to be literally as simple as sending a fucking birthday card.
Shout out to Jon Stewart, who successfully shamed the House Judiciary Committee into passing a bill to extend the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund. It's amazing what a platform and a little brutally clear communication can do. Maybe if we can get Jerry Seinfeld to do a tight five on treason, we can have our motherfucking country back.
Republican Congressthief Kevin Brady, one of the architects of the GOP tax scam which remains the Marmalade Shartcannon's sole significant legislative achievement, issued a tiny, barely-worth-mentioning, correction regarding the bill's alleged fiscal responsibility: "Look, when we said the tax cuts would pay for themselves OBVIOUSLY we meant that to mean ‘strictly in terms of plutocrat donations to their pet political party.’ And looking at my re-election fund, those cuts have TOTALLY paid for themselves. Suckers.”
Justin Amash broke up with House Freedom Caucus, saying, “It's not you, it's not me, it's the rule of law, so wait, basically yeah, it's you.” Poor Justin thought the FC was devoted his specific brand of insanity, while it turns out the Jim Jordans of the world are happy to roll around into whatever shitpile happens to be handy, and if that's Trumpist authoritarianism, well so be it. While Amash has taken custody of all the caucus’ dignity in the split, he concedes it's unlikely he'll ever get his White Lion t-shirt back.
While numerous American industries suffer under the Sunny D-Bag's idiot trade war, the migrant child concentration camp industry is absolutely booming. So much so, in fact, that the Crotchworm Administration is reopening Fort Sill, a WWII-era Japanese internment camp, to torture a fresh new generation of kids othered by a racist federal government. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that this twisted little bit of malevolent symbolism was all Stephen Miller asked his boss for for his birthday this year.
Hey I bet you think that's the vilest border-related story in tonight's blog. I mean, it's pretty goddamn disgusting.
Care to put some money on that?
You remember that one Border Patrol thug, excuse me, “agent” who is facing charges stemming from the time he tried to murder a migrant with his truck? Well, he's back in the news today on account of his defense attorney working to suppress his horrific, dehumanizing, bigoted-as-fuck, text messages at trial. I guess when your client's casual work banter is indistinguishable from Nazi rhetoric, you'd rather the jury didn't know about it. Oh, and part of the defense strategy appears to be “everyone at Border Patrol is this racist, so no big deal, right?” Sleep tight.
Now you're thinking, “Surely that's the worst exhibit Trump's Atrocity Carnival has to offer this week. Surely."
Double or nothing, then?
Because we haven't even mentioned the story about the teenage mother and her premature baby detained in appalling conditions. We haven't talked about the "facility" in El Paso described as “a human dog pound.” Do we even have the strength to imagine all the evil these fuckers have successfully concealed from us?
Take a minute to read those stories, folks. Get a beer, have a cry. We'll do a couple cheap gags when you're ready, I guess.
Look, it's tough pretending to be something you're not, and Mike Flynn is sick and tired of acting like a more or less reasonable human being, when in his heart of hearts, he is such a demented wingnut maniac that he doesn't even get invited to Breitbart parties anymore, because he keeps cornering children to talk to them about QAnon. To that end, hiring batguano-gargling loon Sidney Powell as his new attorney is really just Flynn being his best self; trouble is, his “best self” is completely insane, unrepentantly corrupt, and just generally shitty.
Admit it, you'd completely forgotten about Howard Schultz's misguided “presidential campaign” until he popped up this week to suspend it. Of course, he's still threatening to bring his signature brand of boring, antagonistic, centrism back if Democratic primary voters don't vote the way he wants them to. God, he's like a Scooby Doo villain, vowing, as he's led away in handcuffs, to return when we least expect it.
“It's old man Schultz, from the bland, characterless, coffee chain!”
“And I would've gotten away with it too, if weren't for my complete and total lack of ideas, political instincts, and charisma!”
Tangerine Idi Amin, in a feeble attempt to discredit Don McGahn's damning testimony in the Mueller report, suggested his former White House Counsel lied under oath “to make himself look like a good lawyer,” and you can almost forgive the doddering old bloat for making such a baseless accusation, since “lying to make yourself seem awesome when you're actually just a wobbly stack of hot garbage in a bad wig” is the story of literally every single minute of his rotten, wasted, life.
Of course, the bigger headline out of that Stephanapoulos interview was the bit where the Bonespur Buttplug went “Hell to tha Yeah I'd accept foreign help for my re-election! I need all the help I can get, bro, have you watched me campaign? I rant like a damaged clone of Nathan Bedford Forrest in the advanced stages of dementia! I couldn't do it by myself last time, and I sure shit can't now that everybody's seen how I actually govern! Seriously, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Chad, anybody, CALL ME!”
And Marsha Blackburn, eager to finally bring her famous brand of lunatic partisanship to the upper chamber, blocked Mark Warner's bill, which would require campaigns to contact the FBI if any foreign power pops by to say “Hey, kid, wanna buy some treason?” Two fun things about the politics of 2019:
A) We're starting to write all the laws we never thought we'd need because even 240 years’ worth of crooked-ass politicians couldn't imagine the fuckery a moral black hole like Donald Trump would attempt.
B) We're learning that Republican Party isn't willing support those laws. NEAT.
And Government Cheese Goebbels is particularly desperate for extralegal campaign support these days, with his own internal polling revealing the precise dimensions of the massive can of electoral whoop-ass Diamond Joe Biden would unleash on him in a head-to-head matchup. When you're shouting “fake news” at your own propaganda apparatus, you're in trouble.
I hope you can all attend the opening of my new play, Five Wrinkly-Ass Old White Dudes, Sitting Around Outlawing Abortion, about the city council in Whogivesafuck, Texas, and their dumbfuck quest to create a “sanctuary city for the unborn.” I debated even bringing this one up tonight, but you know what they say...all politics is yokel BAM TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
A government watchdog recommended Kellyanne Conway be fired for her repeated, taunting violations of the Hatch Act, which is an entirely reasonable response to serial, unapologetic, law-breaking. Regrettably, in perhaps the most depressing commentary yet on the shit-encrusted state of our beautiful democracy, literally no one anywhere on Earth imagined Conway would be fired, or, indeed, face any consequences whatsoever. Literally mocked the law, live on camera, and won't even lose her fucking parking space.
Duncan Hunter's wife flipped on him so hard he'll have to call her “Rick Gates” in bed from now on. Although, now that Margaret is cooperating with prosecutors against her husband, I imagine the Walls of Jericho have gone up in the Hunter household.
While the Pneumatic Poo Dispenser's unhinged tweetstorms have become significantly less newsworthy now that we've learned to dismiss them as the deranged rantings of a never-particularly-potent-and-now-rapidly-deteriorating intellect, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to mark the one about the “Prince of Whales.” Y'know, in the three years since he started pissing directly into our brains every hour of every day, this is the first thing he's ever said or written to bring me the slightest bit of delight, if only accidentally. The Prince of Whales? Oh, didn't he show up on Super Friends that one time Aquaman was visiting his sick grandma?
Look, if you want to read about the latest developments in the field of issuing and dodging subpoenas, or holding contempt votes, or whatever other procedural shenanigans are going down in Congress, you'll have to write your own jokes, because, as I have expressed previously, Jerry Nadler shufflin’ papers around just isn't funny. Take, for example, “DOJ releases legal opinion supporting Treasury refusal to turn over Trump tax returns.” Important? Surely. Funny? I can't find it. I'll drink more and get back to you.
On that subject, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet is invoking executive privilege to avoid coughing up documents related to his shitsack administration's attempt to apply Crest Whitening Strips to the 2020 Census. It goes without saying that there's no legal standing to do that, it's just something he likes shouting because he thinks it's this magical power presidents get to call upon to get out of anything they don't want to do, from eating their peas to obeying the Constitution.
And Sarah Huckleberry Slanders surveyed her labors of the last two years, and said unto herself, “Though I delight in my work, bringing George Orwell's darkest nightmares to life, I must admit that I've single-handedly done more damage to the American experiment than all our nation's wartime foes put together. Perhaps it's time I retired to Arkansas, to pursue my lifelong dream of conducting unregulated cosmetics research at a puppy mill of my very own.” And so she is taking her sneering mendacity and going home.
In all our storied history, few have failed at being American quite so badly as the Uncredible Huck. Sarah, I wish you insufficient legroom on all your flights. May your DVR perpetually record over your favorite programs with post-Topher-Grace episodes That 70's Show. You deserve ingrown toenails and root canals and rush hour traffic, but above all other torments, may you be subjected to your fuckstick father's unique blend of hate speech and dad jokes for the rest of your days.
Mike Pompeo practically tripped over his own feet to blame Iran for an attack on two tankers in the Gulf of Oman, though the owner of one of the ships disputes Mike's please-oh-please-let-me-start-a-war-can-I-can-I-can-I account. It's way too early to figure out who's telling the truth here, but hey, maybe the Treasonweasel Administration should've read the Boy Who Cried Wolf before they decided to burn their credibility on stupid shit like crowd size and crying farmers.
As he ramps up his re-election campaign, Weehands McNodick is returning to his roots, and refusing to pay folks for services rendered. In this case, it's mostly local police departments the law-and-order candidate is stiffing, and if nothing else, that should add some interesting justification contortions for his faux evangelical base to grapple with. Shit, he still hasn't paid Washington D.C. back for his (hilariously, pathetically, under-attended) inauguration. Our secret weapon in 2020 may wind up being the People the President Personally Owes Money To vote.
The Shart House decided that what Flag Day really needed was a pic of Sultan Spraytan dry-humping Old Glory, just to really drive home his instinctual disrespect of the United States and all her cherished symbols. On Independence Day, expect him to waddle over to the Lincoln Memorial just to rub his ass all over Honest Abe's leg.
I have to confess, as I was driven to the very edge of sanity by all this incompetence and malice, I was profoundly grateful to stumble across Louise Linton's latest flailing attempt at rehabbing her Bond villainess image. God love her, as she rolls around in the money her maggot-souled vulture capitalist husband “earned” foreclosing on decent people's homes, as she dines with the Queen of England while children rot in cages, she's still fantasizing about some 21st century Leni Riefenstahl elevating her to her unjustly-delayed stardom. She is a truly magnificent monster.
Speaking of the Garbage Women behind the Garbage Men, there seems to be an effort underway to cast Melania as some sort of Fascist Jackie O? I don't really care, do u?
Holy hell I'm in a bad mood now. I dunno, something about watching my government torture children really BUMS ME OUT. Anyhow, it'd cheer me up if everybody reading this could bite and scratch and claw and fight with every ounce of their strength to win this country back from these awful, awful, people.
Look Out, Louie Gohmert! There's Some Real Competition for the 'Dumbest Man in Congress' Crown Now!
I woke up to the news that David Ortiz had been shot and Justin Bieber tried to pick a fight with Tom Cruise, and to my credit, I didn't chug all the NyQuil in my house and go back to bed, like I really wanted to. Might as well catch up on the madness, I 'spose.
(Y’all know this by now, but this post can be found, with alllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/look-out-louie-gohmert-theres-some-real-competition-for-the-dumbest-man-in-congress-crown-this-year/)
When last we spoke, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster was throwing himself a parade celebrating all the amazing concessions he won from Mexico in exchange for withdrawing his proposed tariffs, but when he called up the Nobel people to propose a special prize for Manly Dominance Over a Neighbor and Trade Partner, he was greeted with derisive Norwegian laughter* because the world quickly learned that in fact, he had backed down completely, in exchange for nothing that hadn't been agreed to weeks earlier.
Caught in his lie, the Velveeta Vulgarian let his unfailing instinct for pathetic behavior guide him, insisting that yuh huh he got lots of concessions in the deal, really hot concessions, too, only they live in Canada, so you can't meet them right now, maybe over summer break. But the truth is out, and now the whole world is laughing at him for declaring victory while retreating like the French Army led by Paul Reiser's character in Aliens.
Look, bro, if it was such a big win, you wouldn't have dumped it on a Friday night.
So, not only did the Shart Family Robinson enjoy a luxuriant European vacation at taxpayer expense, but the Large Adult Sons got so caught up in the thrill of pissing away other folks’ hard-earned money that they skipped town without paying their bar tab. Look, if you served the most famous grifters on the planet without getting a credit card up front, you don't deserve to get paid. Like, if Fast Eddie Felson hustles you, that's one thing; if you bet the farm going one on one with Michael Jordan, that's your own goddamn fault.
After a couple days of media attention, the bill did wind up getting paid. Let that be a lesson: if any member of this cheap crook family owes you money, or, say, hypothetically, pledges an extravagant charitable donation they have absolutely no intention of ever following through on, your only shot is getting your story in the news. Write that shit down, y’all.
I see noted HateMosquito Milo Yadon'tgotnobookdealnomo has been appointed Grand High Asshat of the forthcoming “Straight Pride” Parade in Boston, because headline-thirsty hate-mongers of a feather march together, I suppose. Now, Milo is a lot of things, but he certainly isn't straight, so maybe we should pick this apart, if only to work out what this gathering is really all about.
Hmmmm...what-o-what does Milo have in common with the organizers, if not sexual orientation? Have the organizers also lost a six-figure book deal due to comments praising pedophilia? Have they been banned from traveling to Australia, making this some sort of hyper-specific, We Deserve to See Kangaroos and the Sydney Opera House Up Close parade? Could it be as simple as a light stroll in honor of the loud, over-groomed, and useless?
Or, wait, gosh, and bear with me here, but MAYBE IT'S THE WHITE NATIONALISM.
The fine Republican crotchtumors in Missouri have decided that the state's last remaining abortion clinic can stay open for now, but only if the doctors perform medically unnecessary vaginal exams on their patients, because you shouldn't be allowed to exercise your constitutional rights without a little violation first, right? Y'know, I don't want to seem partisan, but maybe sputtering, misogynist, shitstains legislating state-mandated sexual assault is...bad. That's my platform, can somebody squeeze that onto a bumper sticker?
Mitt Romney is like a space alien that awkwardly tries to mimic things like “leadership” and “courage” based on what it gleaned from old episodes of F Troop, y'know? Anyway, he made quite the show of announcing that he may not endorse anyone at all in 2020, leaving the coveted “dithering milksop” vote up for grabs. Mittens is the guy who tells everybody in the Poseidon Adventure or the Towering Inferno to just hang tight, we'll be rescued any minute now, and then forty minutes into the movie everybody who listened to him has met a grisly death.
And the Rectal Boil Administration blocked the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research from presenting testimony on climate change, because it contradicted the Bonespur Buttplug's “official stance,” which is “Nuh UH!” Y’all don't get to veto science, do you understand that? Like:
"Water freezes at 0 degrees Celsius!**"
“Well, ideologically, I disagree.”
"As bizarre and interesting as that may be sir, water will go right on freezing at 0 degrees, whether Mitt Romney endorses it or not, whether Rand Paul filibusters it all day long, whether Roy Moore hits on it in the food court at the mall. It's SCIENCE. You don't really get a say."
So, the proto-Gestapo (and fuck no, that's not an exaggeration) known as ICE, in their fervor to make America whiter than Stephen Miller's ever-expanding bald spot, so white that all the spray-on hair in the world couldn't hope to cover it, has actually lost track of the number of veterans they've deported. A draft-dodging valor thief, installed in office by a hostile foreign power, is kicking vets out of the country, which clearly contributes to American greatness by...well, by...HEY LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S ANDREW DICE CLAY!!! (runs away while your back is turned)
It seems a handful of aggressively subpar Nazis (redundant, I know) in Detroit got confused by the Pride parade, thinking they meant Dickless Flabby Middle-Aged Basement-Dwelling White Mediocrities Playing Dress-Up Pride, and showed up to a party at which they were decidedly unwelcome. I know I keep flirting with controversy in my usually-fair-n-balanced blog tonight, but goshdarnit, seeing Nazi flags on American streets in 2019 makes me want to puke acid.
Elaine Chao entered Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's cabinet with the reputation as one of the only competent, trustworthy, figures among that shadiest gaggle of unscrupulous creeps this side of the Dick Tracy movie, but it seems she's caught grifter fever too, likely from a cake knife that Ryan Zinke licked at Sonny Perdue’s last birthday party, and then just set back down on the table for everybody else to use. In addition to all the skullduggery that's already surfaced in recent weeks, seems Mrs. Yertle has repurposed the Department of Transportation into a wing of her husband’s reelection campaign, steering millions in grants to Kentucky, often for previously-rejected projects. Ne’er in all my days have I seen such a drained swamp.
A company partially owned by Walking Nepotism Warning Label Jared Kushner somehow stumbled into a mysterious $90 million investment in the time since Jar-Jar transformed from a blundering real estate heir into one of the most powerful figures in the U.S. federal government GOSH I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED. One of the really fun things here is, because the money has been filtered through the Cayman Islands, that secretive banking playground for the mega-rich, we the people have no idea just who is shoveling all this money at young Jared, (or, as he is known in international diplomatic circles, The Single Most Bribable Man Walking the Face of God's Green Earth) or what they're getting in return.
Last year, Emmanuel Macron and Hairplug Himmler planted a tree on the Shart House lawn, to symbolize the friendship between France and the United States, and now the tree has died, and really, how did this get past the third draft of the script? The fuckin’ FRIENDSHIP TREE died? Really? This is some lazy-ass writing, is all I'm saying.
Everyone agrees that Bulging Ragepimple Ken Cuccinelli could never get confirmed as Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services by the Senate; Democrats don't like him because he’s a Klan-level bigot, while Republicans despise him because he raises money for wingnut primary challengers (the two parties are basically the same, y'know). But thanks to fun little loophole, Donnie Two-Scoops appointed him Acting Director, so he gets 210 whole days to hurt non-white people as much as he likes. Rejected by both his own party and the voters of his home state, this little shitweasel still gets to wield awesome political power in the name of hate, isn't that just ducky?
Alex Jones and his outhouse-gargling website, InfoWars, having already suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of yogurt, have been vanquished once again, this time by a cartoon frog. In ten years Jones is gonna be losing fistfights to Cabbage Patch Kids in disreputable traveling circuses, while children pelt him with dimes.
Jerry Nadler's getting so good at making William Barr back down, I think in his next congressional appearance, the AG should be made to perform tricks on command in exchange for little bone-shaped treats. Anyway, the Justice Department is turning a bunch of Mueller's evidence over to Nadler's House Judiciary Committee. For an administration that seems to enjoy losing in court so much, it's refreshing to watch them lose before court for a change.
Georgia Congressdoorknob Rob Woodall, who certainly owes his hyper-narrow 2018 re-election to Brian Kemp's extensive voter suppression efforts, proudly proclaimed to a television interviewer that he had not read the Mueller report, and would not read it in the future, because as a Republican congressmen, protecting the United States from foreign attacks is simply not his job. “No! You can't make me!” Woodall screamed, deflecting a spoon containing the Mueller report, getting redactions all over his bib and high chair, even though Kasie Hunt made tantalizing airplane motions and noises.
Big shout-out to Somehow Even More Embarrassing Than Rob Woodall Congressdope Matt Gaetz, for his uncanny talent for redirecting any congressional hearing he participates in into an investigation of how Matt Gaetz has a wad of used chewing gum for a brain. I guess John Dean was there too, talking about Nixon or whatever, but the real star of the show was Gaetz, flinging hammer after hammer at his own crotch.
Anyway, Jim Jordan got jealous, and wanted America to laugh at his idiocy too, so he also said some things that were so dumb you wonder why his district elected a thumb to represent them in Congress.
Wow. Almost kinda light today, by 2019 standards. They must be pumping something into the asylum to keep us docile. Or maybe we're finally returning normalcy, and by the end of the week everything will be HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I can't even finish that thought, this is hell,
*Just regular laughter, only with more ø's.
**Yes yes there are plenty of exceptions. Please resist the urge to get cute in the comments.
Moronic, Malevolent, Musings from the Manchurian Manchild, on Mexico, Midler, the Moon, and More (F)
Fucking hell, this shit is exhausting. Working through the newspaper today is like reading crappy fanfic that explores the backstories of every Nazi Indiana Jones ever knocked off a moving truck. Anyhow, if you feel like reading a bunch of stories about shitty people doing shitty things, BOY HAVE I GOT A BLOG FOR YOU.
(And yeah, this post is available, with allllll those handy dandy news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/moronic-malevolent-musings-from-the-manchurian-manchild-on-mexico-midler-the-moon-and-more/)
While this government has already committed countless atrocities in their fanatic quest to Make America White Again, it turns out Stephen MiIller requires ever more heinous acts of depravity to coax an erection out of the tiny, shrieking, demon he has instead of a penis. I guess tearing migrant children away from their parents, or making them sleep on the fucking ground just isn't doing it for him anymore. I guess the body count isn't rising quickly enough.
So now the Turdmaggot Administration, in our name and with our money, is jacking up the cruelty quotient in their American concentration camps. They're serving detainees spoiled food. They're cutting legal aid and English lessons for detained children. They're even cutting soccer, because the tar-souled rage monsters running the country cannot abide the thought of allowing brown children even a passing hour's respite from their state-sponsored torment.
Plus, Border Patrol agents have taken up a fun monstrous new hobby; confiscating medication from migrant kids! I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept of A Person Who Takes Medicine Away from a Child, because that's the kind of behavior that makes every Bond/Marvel/Disney villain ever go “WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?,” and yet it appears to be occurring with some regularity in the nation I was raised to believe was a beacon of freedom and righteousness.
There must be a really nice parking space on the line for Vilest Immigration Enforcement Employee of the Month, because some deranged fucks over at ICE respect human life so little, they left a group of migrant kids, some as young as five, to sleep in a fucking van in a fucking parking lot. For as long as thirty-nine hours. I don't know who handles human resources for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, but maybe y’all should start scanning applicants for sociopathy, sadism, and, y'know, evil.
Does anybody else fantasize about these bastards facing the sort of ironic justice they doled out in the old Tales from the Crypt comics? I just want to see Miller and Kirstjen Nielsen and all their little foot soldiers, locked in vans overnight, eating rancid food, while their guards taunt and abuse them, is that so wrong?
Anyway, tell the President responsible for all this obscenity his Nobel Peace Prize is probably in the mail.
Over in England, the Candycorn Skidmark showed up to his formal dinner with the Queen dressed like a grade school kid who stole his older brother's prom tux, because he is such a blistering idiot that he literally cannot even put fucking clothes on right.
The next President should be able to dress themselves, okay? Screw debates, just give the candidates a $100 Macy's gift card each, and let's see who's capable of walking out with pant legs that don't appear to be designed with smuggling entire slabs of ribs into movie theatres in mind.
While abroad, the Hairplug That Ate Decency sat down for an interview with Piers Morgan, and I suppose we're fortunate the entire world didn't implode like the Poltergeist house upon attaining this Old Doughy White Guys with Unearned Self-Regard singularity. Anyhow, it turns out the guy who doesn't understand tariffs or umbrellas or pants also doesn't understand climate change, which no doubt surprises you.
Just watching the Vapid Vessel of VeryFine Vanity having a merry little chat with Laura “It's a shame Paul Nehlen doesn't have a larger platform to call for anti-Semitic violence from” Ingraham right in front of a U.S. military cemetery in France was stomach-churning, and I applaud our fallen heroes for resisting the urge go all zombie and shit, and rise from their graves for one final fascism-stomping binge for old time's sake. And yet, even starting from a point so low as to be subterranean, things managed to get worse.
Yes, the Bonespur Buttplug, bored from a long day spent commemorating the heroes who fought and died at Normandy rather than having the good sense to be born rich enough to pay off doctors for a Get Out of War Free card, unleashed a torrent of abuse at the likes of Bob Mueller, Chuck Schumer, and Nancy Pelosi, with all the wit and finesse of a playground bully repeating the fifth grade for the second time.
All in all, a busy trip for the Velveeta Vulgarian. He embarrassed the United States in so many different ways and venues, it's amazing he still found time to golf. Truly, he is a wonder.
Well, looka here, it seems Paul Manafort is about to be transferred from Rich White People Jail to Holy Shit Real Actual Prison. Now, I was all set to write a gloaty little gag at his expense, but even the cursory, drunken, research I do for my little poop joke blog here revealed that Rikers Island is an absolute horror, and not even Precocious Paul deserves the torture of solitary confinement there. So in lieu of a punchline, which would be inappropriate, I hope you'll allow me to remind you of the story of Kalief Browder, who committed suicide four years ago this week, following three years detained at Rikers, awaiting trial for allegedly stealing a fucking backpack.
The self-awareness fairy seems to have skipped over Steve King's house this year, as western Iowa's favorite white nationalist has taken to painting himself as the victim of a “political lynch mob” for the TOTAL BULLSHIT reason that he talks like a Nazi all the damn time. King is openly fantasizing about a big political comeback, and I hope he gets his hopes waaaaaaaay up.
Okay, I don't like to get too controversial here, but dammit, I gotta say this: the President of the United States shouldn't care what Bette Midler thinks of him. I don't mean to diminish the Divine Miss M's long and storied career, I just think that when you're in the sort of gig where you're expected to handle legitimate crises like the Cuban Missile Crisis or 9/11 you should be able to handle whatever slings and arrows the star of Hocus Pocus may lob at you without feeling the need to issue a retort in the middle of the goddamn night.
Not satisfied with simply shitting all over America during his time in office, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot reached out to fuck over untold generations yet to come, ordering an end to the use of fetal tissue in much government medical research. This is fantastic news for the nation's belligerent wannabe theocrats, especially since this sort of triumph of superstition over science has been difficult to come by SINCE THE FUCKING DARK AGES. For everyone who now has to die from a disease that might otherwise have been cured had the President not viewed the Fake Christian American Taliban as his “base,” the news is...less awesome.
And the Accidental Poosquirt is set to pigheadedly push forward with his plan to reverse Obama-era vehicle mileage standards, even though American automakers themselves asked him not to. Folks, this is not about the auto industry, or the even the environment, it's about doing everything in his power to get back at that black guy who made people laugh at him that one time.
While science is generally under siege during the Shitferbrains Administration, America continues making revolutionary strides in the field of white male fragility, as evidenced by the planned “Straight Pride” parade in Boston. Y'know, I'm starting to think modern conservatism is mostly about grown-ass men seeking the right to lash out like spoiled toddlers. Speaking of which...
The entire American right wing has united to tackle the opioid crisis. Excuse me, that's not quite right. What I meant to say is, “the entire American right wing has united to bitch and moan that a hate-mongering nitwit is no longer allowed to profit from provoking harassment mobs on the internet.”
Obviously, I'm talking about the thing with Steven Crowder, who calls himself a “comedian” because when he belches up his hate speech, he smirks, congratulating himself on all the "libs" he's “owning.” I guess he got his little YouTube channel demonetized for essentially the same the reason Steve King lost his committee assignments. So again, what we're dealing with is a despicable twerp, throwing a tantrum because he's finally facing consequences for years of abominable behavior. Maybe we should build some sort of combination anger room/ball pit where these stunted man-babies can work out their resentments away from decent society.
Folks, let's sweep away the cobwebs of the ten thousand bad-faith arguments flying out of every subpar alt-right blog, because what we're talking about here is a vicious little troll who does nothing but spread hate, and then disingenuously whinnies about "free speech” whenever anyone calls him out for his vileness, a dude who makes his living selling t-shirts that say “Socialism is for F*gs.” This guy is a malignant polyp on the rectum of humanity, okay? He is a bad person. What Steven Crowder does isn't comedy, or commentary, it's hatred.
And y'know what? The idea that we shouldn't go out of our way to set up revenue streams for the snarling shitstains who want to tear society apart with their rage and bigotry is 100% uncontroversial, assuming one possesses half a thimbleful of decency. A moral culture chases a man like Steven Crowder back to the sewers he sprang from. And yet here we are, listening to Ted Cruz, a U.S. Senator, who won't say one fucking word about the half-dozen stories this week covering the outrages inflicted on migrant children, moralizing in that phony preacher voice of his about the oppression of the Socialism is for F*gs guy. SPARE ME.
Well the long arm of the law finally caught up with one of the gluttonous grifters of the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's Crooked Cabinet, as a government watchdog office climbed to the top of the highest mountain in all the land to proclaim that Cowboy Ryan Zinke violated not just the Laws of Good Taste, but also the Hatch Act, in wearing MAGA socks with Orange Julius Caesar's sharty little face on them. Zinke Bootz won't face any consequences whatsoever, of course, but perhaps you'll be able to draw some small comfort from this symbolic victory when we're all in the work camps.
Ahead of his sentencing, Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn fired his lawyers, and shit bro, I bet that makes all your problems disappear like a fake Time Magazine cover from a chintzy Trump golf resort wall. Yeah, the problem was your representation, not the fuckton of federal crimes you committed.
And the Dem-led Congress took some sort of arcane procedural step towards holding William Barr and Don McGahn in contempt for responding to congressional subpoenas by driving past the Capitol Building with their wrinkly old guy butts hanging out the window. The problem with all this subpoenaing and ignoring subpoenas and contempt resolutions and whatnot is that it's in the news all the time, so I have to talk about it...but it's not funny. It's old people giving boring speeches waving fistfuls of documents menacingly at one another, and yes, the future of the whole dang United States hangs in the balance, but it's just not funny.
Praise is hard to come by when you possess the Marmalade Shartcannon's magical blend of incompetence and malice, so I suppose he can be forgiven for fabricating a whole speech where NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg praised him for hours, particularly the length of his fingers, which somehow seem even more impressive using the metric system. Obviously, it's super-normal for presidents to invent fake public addresses by well-known political leaders. Normal AF.
Y'know, Donnie, if you're so desperate for the fawning praise of servile yes men, you could always rehire Reince Priebus; that guy was like the Greek God of sycophancy.
So I guess the Dotard thinks the Moon is part of Mars? Sure. Whatever. Par for the course, here in the Lewis Carroll fever dream we call 21st century America. How we've survived this long eludes me.
And I see the Shart Administration is celebrating Pride Month in style, by forbidding U.S. embassies to fly the rainbow flag! Mike Pompeo may suck at diplomacy, but when it comes to transforming the State Department into the blunt tool of Dumbass Phony Evangelical Theocracy, he's a goddamn wizard.
Ooooo...and now a federal judge has ordered the FBI to un-redact more of Jazzy Jim Comey's old memos about his misspent youth in Fat Q*Bert's company! I assume this will amount primarily to extensive documentation of presidential b.o., with Comey lending an intelligence officer's insight to descriptions of that noxious cocktail of hair tonic, spray tan solution, and overcooked steak farts.
And hey, a little good news, Shart Garfunkel backed down on his threat to impose sweeping new tariffs on Mexico, because backing down is what a bully does. Luckily, the American economy will not suffer the cartoon-anvil-to-the-junk that would have resulted, and we won't face the massive tax increase as consumers, which leaves me with more beer money, and believe me, I'm absolutely taking advantage before he changes his addled little mind.
And with that, my friends, let me thank you for the gift of your time and your attention, I appreciate the hell out of it, but lordy, I need a break. I think I'm gonna spend the weekend looking at cat videos till I pass out, if that's okay with y’all.
Breaking News: It's Only Monday and We're Already Drowning in Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Trying something different tonight; instead of reading the news, I drank six gallons of Listerine while bludgeoning my temples with a ball peen hammer. My hallucinations can't possibly be any more bizarre than what's going on in real life, right?
(You know this by now, but this post is available, with all them helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-news-its-only-monday-and-were-already-drowning-in-buttholes/)
So, Redactor General Bill Barr gave a horrifying little interview to CBS, seemingly designed with the improbable goal of making Americans miss Jeff Sessions, who for all his faults* was still unwilling to drown Lady Justice in a kiddie pool at his Turd Emperor's merest whim. Yes, Barr will merrily and dutifully perform master's bidding, pursuing investigations of law enforcement officials for the unforgivable transgression of investigating an attack on the United States by a hostile foreign power. Asked if he's worried about history remembering him as the jowlsy steward to a cabal of cheap crooks in their quest to destroy American democracy for personal profit, Billy shrugged the question off with a disturbingly-casual “everyone dies,” and fuck, y’all, the last thing this administration needed was a fucking nihilist.
With red state legislatures around the country tripping over each other to be the first to get their Mandatory Handmaid's Tale LARPing bill in front of Beer-Liking Woman-Hater Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Susan Collins finds her approval ratings back home in Maine plummeting like the stock market during a moronic, unnecessary, trade war. Faced with this potentially career-ending reversal of fortune, expect Collins to break out her most extreme brow-furrowing and concern-expressing. Hasn't failed her yet.
We got to see a transcript of a voice mail one of Shart Garfunkel's lawyers left for one of Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn's lawyers, where he was all, “Hey, dunno if you're still up, just wanted to chat, maybe we can get on XBox Live and play some Call of Duty later. Anyhow, if you see any Justice lying around, if you could go ahead and obstruct it for us, that'd be great.” So that was fun.
We were supposed to see more transcripts, of Flynn's conversations with the Russian ambassador, but DoJ decided that court orders are optional, kinda like flossing, only the risk here is of descending into anti-democratic tyranny rather than getting gingivitis.**
There was another mass shooting, of course, because there's always another mass shooting, because Republicans believe in an imaginary constitutional amendment that says “P.S. all rights are null and void whenever they come into conflict with gun manufacturers’ profits.” We're listening to bullshit conservative arguments about silencers this time instead of bullshit conservative arguments about semi-automatic weapons, so that's different, anyway. The dead people are just as dead, though.
Looks like Steve Bannon got evicted from his neofascist commune in Italy, probably because the rancid, oily, substance he secretes from his pores was eating through the walls of the medieval abbey he'd been renting as his little jagoff clubhouse. Steve my dude, so many of your problems could be solved with a set of good, sturdy, industrial-strength, furniture covers. Or, y'know, by not being a bulging sack of festering warthog rectums, but I suppose that ship has sailed.
While your average Human Being With a Functioning Soul gets upset about things like the senseless loss of life from the opioid crisis, or the cruelty of locking migrant children in cages, Laura Ingraham is MAD AS HECK that the worst people in the world keep getting their megaphones taken away after years of belching up hatred and lies. The examples she presented on her Fascist Variety Show looked like the weird kids table at Arkham Asylum, but Alex Jones has to be pleased to finally find himself on a list where he's not the undisputed most gigantic smelly butthole. “Oh, you terrorized Sandy Hook families for months with fabricated conspiracy theories?” scoffs Paul Nehlen, “Whatever, I wore a shirt with an anti-Semitic mass murderer's face on it, you wuss.”
Yeah, Laura Ingraham thinks it's bad that THAT turdmaggot lost his platform. And companies still advertise on her fucking show.
And early candidate for Whitest Guy of the Year emerged when some douchebag beardo hipster freak decided Kamala Harris needed to suspend her presidential campaign for a hot second to listen to what the (douchebag beardo hipster) menfolk had to say. Of course the media rushed to give the little prick the platform he'd been seeking all along, instead of pelting him with hacky sacks until he learned his lesson, which is what he fucking deserved.
Shart Administration Multi-Tool Mick Mulvaney popped up on the Sunday Shoz to talk about how normal and justifiable it is for the government to hide entire battleships from the Idiot Manchild President, since he has to sleep with a nite lite on because he thinks he's being haunted by the dude whose name is on the side of the boat. “It's all perfectly reasonable, and by the way, we're installing a giant tarp over Virginia so Mr. Trump doesn't have to look at a blue state when he jets off to those ego-fluffing Klan rallies he enjoys so much.
Roger Stone does not seem to be handling his late-in-life brush with legal accountability well, and it turns out the Wealthy White Ratfucker version of “throwing a tantrum in Target because Mom because won't buy you a Ninja Turtle figure” is “calling for the execution of the former head of the CIA because the law finally caught up to you.” I'm sure Laura Ingraham will be taking up Rog's cause any day now.
Demonstrating the compassion and decorum he's famous for, the Velveeta Vulgarian swung by a church in Northern Virginia, straight off the golf course, dressed like an escapee from the last legs of a Napa Valley retiree tour, to desecrate the very concept of “prayer.” People say he doesn't take his role as consoler-in-chief seriously, but folks, his motorcade spent sixteen whole minutes at that church.***
Axios gifted us with a rare Jared Kushner interview, and I know you've all missed that wispy, one-line-character-in-a-Tim-Burton-movie voice that makes you wonder just exactly how much inbreeding takes place amongst the 1%. Jared is so majestically awful at this shit, it's like watching a walrus play basketball; seeing him squirm and sneer and duck and dodge is so cringeworthy it makes you appreciate that the Shart House would still rather send the Sheriff of Nepotismham out to the media than risk another televised meltdown from Amputated Rage Foreskin Stephen Miller.
Lucky us, we get a double shot of Jar-Jar, with details emerging about his oft-delayed Middle East peace "plan." Looks like the idea is, give Israel everything they want, while the Palestinians go, “Y'know what? You're right, we never wanted a state of our own anyway, just toss in a 2 liter of RC Cherry Cola and some o’ those 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond coupons, and we'll call it square.”
Shit, even Mike Pompeo, who's normally such a loyal little stooge that he wears a tag around his neck that says “If lost, return to Mar-a-Lago,” can't sell this shit. Gosh, if the skeevy little twit whose only qualification is “was born rich” can't crack this nut, who can?
The Failing New York Times published a deep dive into the jaw-dropping corruption of Testudines Fetishist/Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who at least has had the good sense to keep her grifting out of the headlines until now, unlike your common Scott Pruitts and Ben Carsons. While any cabinet official in any previous administration would have been sacked over a story like this, Chao can rest easy knowing that nobody will even remember it in a week's time, because the President will have teabagged Prince Philip or something.
You have to admit, Mitch McConnell sure married well. It's the dream of every starry-eyed young Republican politician, isn't it? Spend your career rigging the economy for the benefit of the wealthy as you corruptly use your ever-expanding power to line your own pockets until you yourself join the plutocracy you've long served...and all you had to do was sell out your constituents. Sweet gig, Yertle.
Louisiana, having already claimed their seat on the Horrific Abortion Ban bandwagon, went a step further, in declining to impose a legal minimum age on marriage, so now a teenage girl can not only be forced to carry her rapist's child, she can be pressured into marrying him, too! How long ‘till the evangelical “Christian” south drops the pretense, declares all women to be legally property, and has them tattooed with bar codes at birth? Anyway, Roy Moore has been seen scouting out potential living quarters in downtown Baton Rouge, which is a coincidence, I'm sure.
A new study says the Bonespur Buttplug's petulant new round of proposed tariffs on Mexico would constitute the largest tax increase on American consumers in almost 30 years, which is somehow not the only story in tonight's blog about the President deliberately kicking our economy in the junk. This is just the first round of those tariffs, by the way, at 5%; Shitferbrains has threatened to jack them up an additional 5 every month until they hit 25%. I swear, Putin must pinch himself hourly, unable to believe the bargain he got just by opening a few troll farms.
It's weird how important it is to Duncan Hunter to let the world know that he's an utterly amoral creep. Hot off his “hell yeah I take pictures with enemy corpses, everybody who doesn't is a CUCK” media appearance, he trundled down to the basement manchildcave known as “Barstool Sports” to casually mention the “hundreds of civilians” he probably killed, including women and children, in Iraq, so what's the big deal about a few silly ol’ war crimes anyhow? Zounds. I dunno about y’all, but I'm taking Duncan's number out of my “potential babysitters” rolodex.
On the other hand, Hunter may be playing the long game here. After all, Republican voters have demonstrated that, presented with a wide variety of candidates with exemplary resumes, they will ultimately choose the sociopath with a criminal history. So our boy's thinkin', “I'm clearly headed to jail soon, I just gotta establish my lunatic cred before Matt Gaetz gets the media all to himself.”
And Donnie Dotard when to England, apparently seeking the novelty of being mocked and loathed in a different accent for a change. The Brits certainly gave him the welcome he deserved; they trolled our Engorged Tick President so hard I'm starting to think we should reapply for colony status. Look, I know we got mad the last time they burned down the White House, but if anybody felt like taking another crack at it, I bet we could get the mysterious Anonymous Op-Ed Author to replace the fire extinguishers with silly string dispensers. That'd be a hoot, huh?
Anyway. He picked juvenile fights with Meghan Markle and the Mayor of London, and probably tried to dry-hump Big Ben, because hey, the American people were counting on him to embarrass the shit out of us, and that's the one field where he'll never let us down. Doddering old fuck even managed to say something stupid about the fucking FLOOR, because of course he did.
Now, I know we're used to getting buried up to our chins in bat guano every single day here in Shitty Wonderland, but the President of the United States calling for a boycott of an American company that employs more than 270,000 people takes us firmly into Ionesco-on-bath-salts territory.
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops was already colicky over not being able to watch his precious Fux Nooz while in England (because it was cancelled due to abysmal ratings HAHAHAHAHAH), forcing him to watch CNN (he sure as heck wasn't gonna read his dumb ol’ security briefing), which, unlike Fux, does not fellate him 24/7. And so he took to the tweetymachine to attack an American job creator, piss on the first amendment, and probably kidney-punch a bald eagle, all at once.
Trump Transition Team Toady George Nader got arrested today for transporting child pornography, and I'm starting to think all that hullabaloo about hiring “the best people” was less than sincere. Nader was a prominent witness in the Mueller investigation, and has ties to scumbags from Washington to Riyadh and back, so one can't help but wonder what interesting little tidbits of information he might be offering the feds to stay out of jail...
And now I see there's actually a group of Republican Congressjags trying to get Steve Fucking King's committee assignments back, I guess cuz things just aren't the same without an open white supremacist shitsack weighing in on what our laws should be. Anyway, I'm a member of the party that's against "giving the white nationalist more power,” so I can look myself in the mirror tonight.
Of course there's more. There's always more. There're hearings and contempt votes and tiger and bears and who the fuck knows what else, but I'm beaten down by this shit tonight, and I haven't even started drinking yet. What I'm saying is that it's time to start drinking.
*Yeah, there's not enough room in this blog to list ‘em, but we can start with the ridiculous ears and the racism.
**I was way more afraid of gingivitis than dictatorship when I was a younger. Stupid kid.
***Fuck, I spent more time than that mourning the Morgan Freeman character in UNFORGIVEN. Um, “spoilers,” I guess.
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