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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 06:48 PM
Number of posts: 388

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Shitty Orwell Theatre Presents: We Have Always Been at War with Baltimore, and Other Tales (Ferret)

I don't know why I do this, y’all. Every damn day is the same, reading the news is like biting into a donut, hoping for raspberry filling, only to wind up with a mouthful of cat litter and broken glass. Oh well, I've built up some calluses on the roof of my mouth by now, might as well do this shit.

(And yes, this post can be found on my humble blog site, in bright shiny colors, with helpful news links. Click here: http://showercapblog.com/shitty-orwell-theatre-presents-we-have-always-been-at-war-with-baltimore-and-other-tales/)

Turns out there are some limits to the economic strategy of Watching TV All Day Like an Indoor Kid on Summer Vacation While Hitching a Free Ride on the Last Guy's Prosperity Train, as the Commerce Department woke Wilbur Ross up just long enough to deliver disappointing growth numbers, including a downward revision of 2018 estimates. Look, at Donnie Dotard's age, 2.1% growth is actually really impressive*.

Congratulations, taxpayers! It's time for YOU to foot the bill for another multi-billion dollar round of Dipshit Trade War farmer bailouts! For a guy who rails against socialism all the time, the Carcinogenic Creamsicle sure does love socializing his fuckups! Anyway, I suppose the next logical step is to bail out all the families who lost an income or two in an ICE raid, right? RIGHT?

In the latest example of his all-consuming fixation on his predecessor, President Crotchvoid launched, totally unbidden, a deranged little rant blaming Obama for his own inability to hire a single staffer competent enough to operate a fucking thermostat. Imagine thinking something that petty, let alone saying it out loud to a room filled with reporters. Of course, you know there are tens of thousands of thoroughly brainwashed MAGAdrones all over this country, who hear that shit and shout ethnic slurs at their screens over the deep state conspiracy to make their beloved Turd Emperor slightly chilly at work.

Oh, and Fuckhead also called for an investigation into Obama's book deal. And that might seem absolutely nucking futz to you, but you have to look at it from his perspective. Put yourself in his gout-warped shoes. “Look, in my experience, the President of the United States is a sub-literate, gibbering, fool. I'm so fucking stupid, I have to hire ghost writers to sign my fucking checks. Write a whole book? No chance.”

Jaggy MAGA Teen Nick Sandmann will not, alas, be handed a large of stack of the Washington Post's money, because his funny little lawsuit, which tried to hold WaPo accountable not for content of their article but for his lawyer's third-rate fanfic extrapolations from it, has been dismissed. Oh well, he'll always have his throbbing sense of victimhood, which is more precious to a young conservative than fucking oxygen.

Government Cheese Goebbels is understandably concerned about his reelection prospects, what with all the failure and atrocity and whatnot. After his shockingly-racist-even-by-his-standards-and-those-standards-are-LOW-y’all attacks on the so-called Squad failed to rescue his approval ratings from the bottom of the Lollapalooza Port-a-Potty where they've been dwelling, he convened his brain trust to craft a new set of policy proposals designed to appeal to the American voter. JUST KIDDING he picked another enemy, and you'll never guess what color that enemy's skin is.

Yes, it's Fuck Elijah Cummings and Fuck Baltimore for Electing Him Week at the Shart House, because that's more fun to talk about than the anemic growth numbers. Congressman Cummings just subpoenaed some of his senior officials’ private communications, y'see, so it's time to sic the white supremacist hate mob, excuse me, the “Trump coalition” on him. If Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops prays at night, it's for the stochastic terrorism to work quicker.

Like, I know we've been boiling this frog for a couple years now, but I admit I'm still not used to watching a politician openly proclaim his naked, unashamed, hatred of so many of his constituents. “No human being would want to live there,” he said, referring to a major city in the country he happens to be President of. That's several hundred thousand non-humans, for the record...around 3 million, if we count the metropolitan area.

I don't want to seem controversial, but I kinda believe that Dehumanizing People is Bad and the President Should Stop Doing It. There, I said it. Furthermore, the ease and speed with which he's transferred the target for his dehumanizing hate speech from immigrants to American citizens is not exactly the bee's knees, and I have to wonder if the inevitable “My Democratic opponent is a cockroach who must be exterminated” ads will be found to violate Facebook's terms of service....

Anyway, it's weird that this totally-not-about-race-how-dare-you beef with Charm City** has expanded to encompass Al Sharpton, but not, for whatever reason, Mobtown's*** own pasty-white slumlord presidential son-in-law.

(Incidentally, Baltimore slaps back, and if you haven't read this Sun editorial yet...treat yourself.)

Brad Parscale's entire 2020 plan seems to consist of Strawberry Shartcake personally attacking every single African-American citizen, one by one, on Twitter, in the hopes that there are hidden enclaves of white folks who stayed home in the midterms because he just wasn't quite racist enough, and if I had nickel for every horse race pundit breathlessly praising the brilliance of this “strategy,” my beer fridge would ne’er go unstocked again.

Mitch McConnell, in an uncharacteristic departure from his traditional posture of smug hypocrisy, is suddenly mega-pissy that everyone's calling him out for blocking election security bills, calling him a “Russian asset” JUST BECAUSE he's behaving exactly like a Senate Majority Leader would if he were a fucking Russian asset, in that he is BLOCKING ELECTION SECURITY BILLS. Honestly, what would a Russian asset do any differently? Jam a funnel in Chuck Schumer's mouth on the Senate floor and pour borscht down his throat?

Wrinkly Gamera claims the bills are “partisan.” That's right, folks. Defending the United States of America from a foreign enemy, which has attacked us, will attack us again, and according to Rugged Robert Mueller, is attacking us even as you read this hilariously juvenile blog, is PARTISAN. I mean, I was already a proud Democrat, but now that we're the only team who thinks national security is a good thing, I may just set up automatic monthly donations.

And golly gee, it looks like Vlad Putin may have to interfere in his own country's elections for a change, judging by his violent authoritarian crackdown on demonstrators over the weekend. By the way, you know Hairplug Himmler watches footage of Russian cops beating up protesters like Paula Deen peering through the window of a butter factory.

Dan Coats stood out like the sorest of thumbs in the Shart Administration, not only was he qualified for his post, he actually wanted to do his job and protect the U.S. from Russian interference rather than inviting our enemies over for scones and Mr. Pibb. So naturally, he's been forced out, to be replaced by some random haircut called John Ratcliffe, who apparently landed the gig when Il Douche saw him babbling like howler monkey jacked up on bath salts on his magic teevee box. You may remember the last fellow who successfully auditioned for a cabinet-level post via televised Hannity-style monologue was the “masculine toilet” guy, and I can't tell you how I pleased I am to realize that I have totally forgotten that particular twit's name.

Anyway, the last grown-up has officially been kicked out of the slumber party, the kids have used daddy's credit card to order 80 pounds of Sour Patch Kids on Amazon, and they're taking a crowbar to the lock on the liquor cabinet. Hope my country survives. Tune in next week.

Signing the 9/11 First Responders bill his party had to be publicly shamed (for weeks) into passing, the Velveeta Vulgarian seized the opportunity to move on the spotlight like a bitch, hogging the credit for himself, refusing to invite any Democrats, even prominent co-sponsors, to the signing. Rand Paul wasn't onstage, but that was only because he was lurking in the crowd, picking those filthy taker first responders’ pockets, muttering “job creators are the REAL heroes” under his breath.

And because he never met any valor he didn't want to thieve, the Bonespur Buttplug revisited a favorite old lie, that he came down to ground zero himself, digging through the rubble with his normal, adequate, big boy hands, and certainly not bragging about how he now owned the tallest building in Manhattan thanks to Osama bin Laden taking out the competition, which of course is something only a complete psychopath would do.

Anyway, expect him to apply for a chunk of these funds. He's done it before, after all.

Just to put the What the Fuck is Wrong with You cherry on the tackiness sundae, Shart-O actually made a joke about the stage collapsing. To the the 9/11 first responders. Never has one room been so utterly misread.

I bet you're awfully proud to live in the land of free, right? We've got so much freedom here, any 19-year-old kid, warped by racist far-right “literature,” can wander over to a state with lax gun laws, get his hands on an assault rifle, and start slaughtering strangers at a festival! What's that you say? What about the rights of the people he killed? Didn't the two children he murdered have the right to decades of all the infinite sorrows and joys life has to offer? Don't all of us deserve the right to walk around free from the fear that some heavily-armed maniac can, at any moment, turn any corner of this country into a war zone, on a whim?

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KINDA HIPPIE?

Well, FUCK YOU, HIPPIE! This is MURICA, dammit, and why're you wailing and moaning and lamenting the tragic loss of life, when you could be PROFITING OFF IT? That's what demented cartoonist/sanctimonious conservative internet troll Scott Adams did! When opportunity knocks, you don't wait for the bodies to cool, you PIMP YOUR SHITTY APP. (Sociopathy is a conservative value now. Alongside racism, ignorance, greed, and the Unforgivable Overcooking of Perfectly Good Steaks.)

And I better not hear any bleeding heart (GET IT HAW HAW HAW) whining about the synagogue shooting last night, either! Or the shootings in Wisconsin! Bullets have rights, flesh doesn't, that's in the Constitution!

Hey look, it seems Captain AmericaFirst runs his speeches by his foreign paymasters before delivering them, how thoughtful! Yup yup, back during the 2016 campaign, his plutocrat chum, Tom Barrack, served as a dutiful little errand boy for the government of the United Arab Emirates, who apparently paid for the privilege of sliding a few lines into a big energy speech, fun! Whelp, enjoy your federal investigation, Tommy Boy!

Anyway, the same team that outsources energy policy to Mid East oil barons wants to boot half a million needy kids off free school breakfast and lunch programs, because American greatness seems to be directly correlated with the suffering of children, at least in the eyes of the Clowncar Full of Rectums currently governing our country.

Goddammit, I insist on leaving y’all on a high note after wading through all this shit with me tonight. “But Cap, what possible good news could there be, here in the Gurgling Sewage Swamps of Shitty Wonderland?”

You remember Jason Kander? Well, it seems he's made significant strides in his battle with PTSD, and while he's not yet ready to leap back into electoral politics, he's returned to public service, working to expand the Veterans Community Project, the very nonprofit that helped him when he needed it most.

Now, I can't speak for you, but I find that inspirational as fuck. Jason's just one of the tens of millions of good, good, people on our team, fighting to win our great country back from the grifters and the hate-mongers. Draw strength from his story, if you need it. I'll see you soon, Resisters.

*Yes, this is a dick joke.

**Yes, I googled “Baltimore nicknames,” do you want me to just write fuckin’ “Baltimore” over and over?

***See above.

Chuck Todd Thinks the Defense of American Democracy Needs More Cowbell, Cleavage (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Yeah, things remain shitty, here in the Inception sequel where we break into David Duke's mind to...wait, what? This is real life? Fuck. You mean Rutger Hauer really died?

(And yes this post can be found, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/chuck-todd-thinks-the-defense-of-american-democracy-needs-more-cowbell-cleavage/)

Since his Big Stupid Trade War isn't pushing Americans into despair and poverty quick enough for his liking, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster proposed a new rule that would kick more than 3 million people off food stamps. Look, America's not gonna be truly great again until our children are fighting each other in the streets over vending machine candy, and I think we need to be adult enough to recognize that.

We enjoy a lot of rights as U.S. citizens, but it turns out the right to not be locked up for more than three weeks, without access to showers or adequate food, is a little less inalienable than your grade school history textbooks led you to believe. For extra oh-it-can't-happen-here-can-it fun, you can even literally be carrying documents proving your citizenship, and law enforcement can just go “whatever, that's fake” for no reason beyond a whim and the adrenaline rush of power, and throw you into an American concentration camp anyway.

Anyway, don't worry about it. It couldn't possibly happen to YOU, right?

Oh, and a 44-year-old Mexican man died in ICE custody, too. Are we even gonna bother trying to make Republicans care about dead adults? Like, baby steps, first we agree that migrant children are people, and we build from there? What we really need is some sort of conference of evangelical “pastors” to determine the precise age (and skin tone) at which a human being becomes fair game for torture. Just for clarity's sake.

FBI Director Christopher Wray says the bureau has arrested 100 white supremacist domestic terrorists, or would-be terrorists, in just the past 9 months. 100. Wow. Personally, I think Wray should try for one more, and make a coat.

You could point to any of the innumerable failures of the Shart Administration, from health care to the still-not-built-no-matter-how-hard-you-lie-about-it wall to the humiliating midterm blowout, and conclude that Orange Julius Caesar isn’t good at anything, but that would be unfair! In the field of stochastic terrorism, he's a goddamn innovator. Take for example Cesar Sayoc, who shoved his head so far up the Fux Nooz propaganda machine’s ass*, he sent 16 mail bombs out to those he perceived as his Turd Emperor's enemies. By the way, I almost skipped this one because I assumed at first it was the OTHER guy this week who wanted to kill for Trump.

So I guess Boris Johnson is new King of England or something? I don't pay a lot of attention to shit over there, since Morrissey went crazy. Wait, I think I have that wrong, I guess he's the Prime Minister of the United Kingston, at least according the Princess Ivanka. It's that kind of attention to detail that keeps me up at night, wondering if a typo on a birthday card might not set off WWIII.

Larry Kudlow practically had a fainting spell over the dastardly incivility of the reporter who confronted him about his dirtbag boss’ latest lie, because “the president doesn’t make things up.” Heh. John Barron was unavailable for comment.

Hey, I bet you chumps probably thought Bob Mueller's testimony before the House Intelligence and Judiciary Committees was about some shit like “uncovering the truth about the Trump cabal's crimes” or “protecting the United States from ongoing attacks by a hostile foreign power.” BOY ARE YOU DUMB. It was actually an audition for a new American Idol spinoff, So You Think You Can Defend the Nation From Election Interference.

God knows Chuck Todd saw the whole thing as an opportunity to snack on some Milk Duds (which frankly should be considered cannibalism) and offer his vapid little thoughts on the OPTICS. “Well golly, Mueller sure did lay out a whole bunch of treasonous crimes, but couldn't he have flashed a little leg or somethin'? Just to jazz things up a bit?” Substance? I'm sorry, sir, we don't have THAT here.

That's the REAL problem, y'see. Rugged Robert wasn't telegenic enough. When congressional Democrats asked him if the President obstructed justice, he shoulda gone, “Well, he sure didn't obstruct your mom last night!” with a roguish grin. Couldn't even muster an “I'm getting too old for this shit,” and that woulda gotten a huge laugh! Just boring ol’ “The President accepted help from Russia during the 2016 election and lied to cover it up.” GEEZ IT'S LIKE A BLACK AND WHITE FILM. WITH SUBTITLES, EVEN.

Weirdly, nobody's discussing the “optics” of Bachmann-eyed loons like Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, Matt Gaetz, Gym Jordan, and Louie Gohmert, vomiting up whatever conspiracy theories they read on the bathroom walls at Alex Jones’ house. When did we all agree on a standard where any effort that fails to convert the most deeply brainwashed drone on Allen West's mailing list constitutes disaster? As the great Bill Hicks would say, I must've missed that meeting.

Naturally, when Senate Republicans hear, “hey, just as a heads-up, the Russians are still interfering in our elections, right this very minute actually, even as Marco Rubio is selecting the next Bible verse he doesn't live by to tweet,” from someone who absolutely knows what he's talking about, their immediately response is to...block some election security bills! And that's even as their own Intelligence Committee released a report detailing more-widespread-than-initially-thought fuckery. Can I just say, it kinda sucks having fifth columnists in charge of this shit.

You sort of have to wonder what Mitch McConnell''s limit might be. Would he helpfully hold Elizabeth Warren's lunchbox open while a Russian agent seasoned her pastrami with a dash of polonium-210? So long as there's a case of shell wax and a few federal judgeships in it for him, I don't imagine he'd think twice.

Projecting confidence at his Total Exoneration™️, the Velveeta Vulgarina shit his pants on the South Lawn, screeching “YOU ARE FAKE NEWS” at any reporter and/or lawn gnome in the immediate vicinity. Chuck Todd assured us the optics of the American President melting down like a spoiled child who didn't get the Happy Meal toy he wanted are terrible...for Democrats.

And the Marmalade Shartcannon vetoed three bills designed to force him to stop selling weapons to the Saudis for use in their genocidal war on their southern neighbor. Look, our president holds very few sincere political positions, and maybe he can't be bothered to learn how NATO, or health insurance, or umbrellas, work, but starving and slaughtering Yemeni children is obviously very important to him, and I think we should respect that.

Despite his awesome, limitless, Article 2 might, Hairplug Himmler lost in court again, this time over his attempt to completely ignore asylum law, like it's a Pookah or some shit. The administration is expected to appeal, on the grounds that No You Don't Understand, We Really Really Really Hate Brown People.

Speaking of court defeats, another judge ruled the Grand Wizard Grifter and his shitty kids must face a lawsuit relating to...wait, is this a brand new swindle? How'd I miss this one? Or did I? Have I actually written paragraph upon paragraph about this particular scam, and completely lost track of it in the fog of sexual assault allegations and thinly-veiled calls to violence? Trying to keep track of this cheap crook's many, many, crimes is like trying to vacuum up cat hair; you're never gonna get it all.

Wow, did you see where Little Donnie Two-Scoops spoke in front of a fake presidential seal, with golf clubs and a double-headed Russian eagle? Oh man, I laughed so hard I forgot about the kids in concentration camps for like, 1/10th of a second.

As if there isn't enough tragedy to process these days, I guess Cousin-Fucking Insect Shield Rudy Giuliani is having financial problems in the wake of his latest divorce? HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE HEART BREAK, GOD?

Facing plummeting approval ratings and a popular challenger, Susan Collins is suddenly teasing that she may not run at all in 2020, denying the good people of Maine their richly-deserved opportunity to fire her over her decision to make the Supreme Court all gross n’ Kavanaughty. Dammit Senator, I already bought the bottle I'm planning on opening the moment they call your race for Sara Gideon, you fucking owe me this!

There's a whole lotta economic anxiety in our poor, divided, nation these days, from the trio of heavily-armed Ole Miss students posing in front of the shot-to-hell Emmett Till memorial, to the jewel of white womanhood who simply had no other choice but to puke up some hate speech in a total stranger's lap. She was forced, forced I say! Ne’er have I seen such economic anxiety.

And massive protests in Puerto Rico forced the resignation of Governor Ricardo Rosselló. So um, if anybody from that movement feels like giving, I dunno, lessons, or seminars, on ousting corrupt chief executives, I think there would be a market for that.

The Clinton Murder Machine failed in their attempted assassination of Jeffrey Epstein, probably because Hillary has some sort of debilitating old lady disease. See, sometimes you have to mash up your batshit right wing conspiracy theories, like, why can't it be lizard people running the child sex slavery ring pizza shop? (I know it's well within your power, dear reader, to link me to some godforsaken message board where thousands of people do, in fact, believe just that...I humbly request that you spare me, it's been a long week.)

Look out, y’all, Redactor General William Barr is gettin’ the federal government back into the state-sponsored homicide business! I'm starting to think Bronco Billy has actually been waiting his whole life for an immoral authoritarian goon to serve, and I'm not particularly eager to see what other horrors he's got on his Xmas list.

And would-be Treasury Department Spokesdemon Monica Crowley, in addition to being a plagiarizing imbecile, turns out to have a lengthy history of writing paranoid, squirrel poop nutty, Obama-is-a-Muslim-and-probably-eats-babies-too blather, and in any normal administration, her appointment would now be withdrawn in shame, but I'm sure this news only serves to land her on the shortlist to replace Mike Pence.

Well, I think that just about covers it. If you don't need me for anything else, I'll just wander off and scream into a pillow for, oh, about seven hours or so. Enjoy your weekend, but please keep our brave infantroopen in your thoughts.

*Obviously, you'll have to visualize a machine with an ass here. You're imaginative, so I trust you. Maybe it even has two asses.

Well, If Stephen Miller Says it's Not Racist, I Guess That's That. (Ferret/Shower Cap)

So, The Trump 2020 reelection effort has just two messages at the moment: LOOK AT HOW RACIST I AM, AIN'T IT GREAT and HOW DARE THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA CALL ME RACIST. I can see how this might seem confusing, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll remember that not one fucking thing has made any fucking sense for two and half fucking years now...does that help at all? No? Oh well.

(And yes, just like always, you can find this post WITH all them nifty news links, at:http://showercapblog.com/well-if-stephen-miller-says-its-not-racist-i-guess-thats-that/)

Operation: No Racist Bones Not Even the Tiny Ones in My Inadequate Hands kicked off in earnest with Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot retweeting famous British hate-monger Katie Hopkins. Hey Dotard, pro tip: in this particular debate, you might want to limit your social media circle to just people who haven't literally called for a sequel to the FUCKING HOLOCAUST only for Muslims this time.

The shrewd political strategists in the Shart House comms shop figured what better way to counter accusations of bigotry than to deploy the single most racist member of an administration famous for racism, and thus we got the rare treat of watching Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller seethe and spit on the Sunday Shoz. Sterile Stephen belched up some hot garbage about “the principles of western civilization,” because he literally can't stop himself from talking like a Nazi, even when trying to prove how totally not-racist his boss is. (As a leading practitioner of the storied western art form of Amusingly Ineffective Bald Spot Decoration, Miller's dedication to his culture is unquestionably sincere, but he's still a white nationalist.)

Mercedes Schlapp is, frankly, embarrassingly lazy at this whole “gaslighting” thing, arguing that a video of Tangerine Idi Amin basking in the pure, unfiltered, hate of the “Send her back” chants actually depicts the President traveling through time to tackle James Earl Ray right before he could assassinate Martin Luther King, Jr.

And Wyoming Congressfiend Liz Cheney snarlingly insisted the chants, and Strawberry Shartcake’s ongoing attacks on the four congresswomen of color, certainly aren't about race, or gender, or religion. The fuck ARE they about then, Liz? Low-calorie butter substitutes? SEND HER BACK...TO THE STORE BECAUSE SHE FORGOT TO USE THE COUPON I CLIPPED OUT OF THE SUNDAY PAPER!

Now, if Weehands McNodick is your disheveled racist grandpa, shitting his pants while shouting slurs at the Denny's wait staff until your whole family gets banned for life, think of Missouri freshman Senator Josh Hawley as basically the hipster version, smugly tossing around the out-of-date slang he picked up hanging out in a vintage Klan robe resale shop. Railing about the “cosmopolitan elite” may be the handlebar-mustache-and-fedora version of chanting “Jews will not replace us,” but you're not fooling anybody, Josh-O.

Hey, remember that Qnatic who killed a Mafia boss a few months back? Well, according to his lawyer, he did it all for Jodie Foster, excuse me, I mean Trump. D'ya think they keep, like, a Stochastic Terror Scoreboard up in West Wing? Like, Mick Mulvaney rings a bell and they throw a pizza party whenever someone commits murder in President Crotchrot's name?

Speaking of which, a Louisiana police officer wrote on Facebook that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “needs a round — and I don’t mean the kind she used to serve” HAW HAW HAW HE MEANS FROM A GUN AS IN MURDERING HER HAW HAW HAW. Now, while it's certainly obvious this officer should lose his job over the whole “terrorist threat” thing, I also hope there's some sort of discipline for that lame-ass round pun. Make him clean all the bathrooms before he picks up his last paycheck, or something.

Oh, and for extra fun, the “article” that prompted Officer Charlie Rispoli's hilarious call to political assassination, was, in fact, literally fake news, because fucking of course it was. UPDATE: Little Chuckie Bang Bang has indeed been fired. Thoughts. Prayers. Laffs.

Meanwhile the Illinois Republican County Chairmen’s Association posted an equally hilarious parody poster labeling the much-maligned quartet of Democrat House freshmen “The Jihad Squad,” which for extra Conservative Victimhood Complex Points, actually whines about accusations of racism. You could catch these dolts burning crosses in full Klan regalia, and if you called them out for it, they'd scream “WELL SO MUCH FOR THE TOLERANT LEFT!!!!!!”

A group of fake Christian House Republicans, flustered with their lack of power to hurt people since getting forcibly booted to the minority, are pestering Amazon to reverse a ban on selling books about the debunked and demented practice of “conversion therapy,” like for example The Complete Idiot's Guide to Driving Your LGBTQ Child to Suicide. I think this is actually a clever piece of political maneuvering; in advocating for the torture of AMERICAN children, they undercut the argument that their abominable treatment of migrant kids in concentration camps is racially motivated! 9TH-DIMENSIONAL CHESS, MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAAS!!!!!

I see Turdworm, Jr. is writing a little book! If it's about How to Fall for the Stupidest Shit on the Internet, or How Not to Pull Off a Beard, it'll be great!

Look out Melania, I think your replacement just turned up! A beauty pageant contestant, stripped of her crown for bigoted social media posts, who then whines and whines and whines (and whines) about how she's being persecuted for her “conservative* views?” MEET YOUR NEW MOM, ERIC!

Baron Golfin von Fatfuk, in his magnanimousness, announced that he will not annihilate all life Afghanistan by raining atomic fire down upon it, and I think he deserves a very special, chocolate-and-chopped-nuts-encrusted Nobel Peace Prize for that. Is it weird that I'm oddly encouraged to learn that there are limits to his sociopathy, if only at the level of genocide?

And the We're Not Racist We're Just Trying to Kick All the Brown People Out Administration announced a new plan to deport even more undocumented immigrants, because “maybe if we keep hurting nonwhite people, you won't notice when we take your health insurance away” is pretty much the best pitch these jags can come up with. And that's 100% good enough for 50 million or so of your fellow countrymen. Sleep tight.

Word from the Commerce Department is, everything's falling to shit, partially from malicious mismanagement, partially because, and please make sure you're not sipping on anything you don't want shooting out of your nose before finishing this sentence, it's tough to keep Secretary Ross awake long enough to get through a whole meeting. Look, Uncle Wilbur is national security threat, and every day he remains Commerce Secretary we run the risk of exposing America's most closely-guarded fiscal secrets...to Freddy Krueger.

It's easy to focus on the harm Government Cheese Goebbels has inflicted; migrant concentration camps, the Muslim travel ban, the military transgender ban. But shouldn't we also talk about the groups that have prospered? Groups like the DeVos family, who've reaped millions in benefits from the GOP tax scam bill? The lamestream librul media never talks about that, DO THEY?

And the Hairplug That Ate Decency claimed today that Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi begged him to Please Solve the Kashmir Problem for Me Shit It's Probably Best If You Just Take Over the Whole Damn Country and then about two minutes later the Indian government went “Yeah, that didn't happen.” Gosh I wonder who's telling the truth.

Anyway, looks like we've got a deal on the debt ceiling, so that's one potentially catastrophic outcome taken off the table. Ok, so maybe it's like childproofing just the drawer with the knives, while leaving the cabinets with the rat poison and the shotgun and the bengal tiger wide open, but I'll take my comfort where I can find it these days.

Hopefully there's plentiful comfort coming on Wednesday, when Bodacious Bob Mueller rides into town on a horse made of pure TESTIMONY. I certainly don't plan on sobering up 'till then.

*Hateful

Infrastructure Week is Out, We're Doing Nuremberg Rally Week Now (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Gosh, what a fun week. It was like coming to a fork in the road at some sort of Milton Bradley Game of Life knockoff, and suddenly you realize one of the paths in front of you leads to White Supremacist Race War in America, and you really really really wish you'd just landed on the Elect Hillary Clinton I Know You're All Worked Up About the E-mails Thing But She's Not Maliciously Insane space three turns back.

(As usual, you can find this blog, with all sorts of helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/infrastructure-week-is-out-were-doing-nuremberg-rally-week-now/)

Brownshirt Mean Girl Kellyanne Conway figured the best way to deal with her boss’ controversial decision to go Full Klansman was to menacingly inquire as to the ethnicity of a Jewish journalist who dared to ask a Really Obvious Question. We need a word for the emotional response, that weird combination of Holy Fuck this is Chilling and Good God You're Ridiculously Bad at This, evoked by the Keystone Gestapo when they pull blunderingly fascistic shit like this.

Another prominent scuzzball from Trumpworld, Jason Miller, apparently spends his allowance money on prostitutes, and not Slurpees and baseball cards like he tells his mom. Anyway, the ever-expanding series of contortions and excuses it takes for someone to claim they're simultaneously “pro-Trump” and “devoutly Christian” looks more and more like an Ethical American Ninja Warrior course every day.

Enabler General Brazen Billy Barr overruled DoJ civil rights division prosecutors, in declining to pursue charges against the officer who killed Eric Garner in 2014. I think even Jeff Sessions is surprised at how much better his successor is at weaponizing the American “justice” system on behalf of institutional white supremacy. Ol’ Beauregard is like Bigot Salieri, seething with envy in the shadows, watching Barrmadeus effortlessly compose his symphony of fuckery and hate.

Roger Stone has been banned by a judge from using social media, over his childish testing of the limits of a previously court-imposed gag order. Expect Stone to whine about this a whole fucking lot, because he is Roger Stone.

Steve "David Duke Without the Baggage” Scalise is appalled at the dreadful incivility of the Democratic Party, moaning that his team “never disrespected the office” of the presidency back when they were telling President Obama to “go back to Kenya,” or shouting “you lie” during his State of the Union, or sending letters to foreign governments undermining his negotiations, or, y'know, choosing a dumbass birther game show host to succeed him. I wonder what Scalise thinks “respect” means.

Nancy Pelosi violated House rules, several laws, and fourteen different Commandments (nobody ever reads the stuff on the back of Moses’ tablets, which turns out to be mostly about being courteous to shitty people) in calling an extremely racist man's extremely racist statements “racist.” This caused a great deal of ceremonial outrage, including a ritual dance where Louie Gohmert spoke in tongues in an effort to strike Pelosi's words from the official record, which I guess would somehow magically transform Government Cheese Goebbels into some sort of civil rights hero, rather than a cut-rate, generic, dumber-and-uglier version of Strom Thurmond.

Really the saddest part of the whole debacle was the feeble victory lap House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy attempted in the aftermath of Pelosi's “hey cut that out, you” non-rebuke, as though he'd retrieved the Golden Fleece, or, I dunno, done something really nutty like pass a bill, which I guess you could say is his whole job, and which he has most certainly not done. Kev's likely to be Speaker himself some day, and I don't know if America is ready for the endlessly-repeating cycle of bar-lowering and humiliating failure that would ensue.

Mitch McConnell pointedly refused to stand up for his wife when confronted about the head of his party's immigrants-go-home rhetoric, because you're not a REAL Trump Republican until you've smiled and bowed while Dorito Mussolini dehumanizes your family. Just ask Ted Cruz.

With all this fear and rage in the air, the brain trust over at CNN got together and decided “y'know who could use a massive platform right now? A fuckin’ real, legit, unapologetic, Nazi, that's who!” and so they put Pasty Fist Magnet Richard Spencer on teevee in the middle of the fucking day, to belch up his LITERAL NAZI HATE to an audience of millions. I look forward to Chris Cillizza's inevitable blather identifying the winners and losers of offering up your airwaves as a white nationalist recruiting tool, really I am.

Shakespeare understood that even in the midst of the darkest tragedy, you need a little comic relief, so this seems like a good time to bring up Congressdolt Mike Kelly, who came out as a person of color because white is totally a color, ask Crayola. “Why, I am the very hue of an albino reindeer's nutsack!” Kelly mewled, “Where is MY pride parade?”

Further evidence surfaced this week to support Shower Cap's Theory of Where We All Live (Which is Hell); the ungodly heat and humidity, and the poll showing President Ostomy Bag's support among Republicans actually INCREASED following his new rebranding as the Guy Who Hates These Four Specific Brown Women. That ol’ Overton window's sliding downhill so fast, an idea like “white Republicans should demonstrate basic decency and respect for their fellow human beings” may seem almost comically radical soon.

Video surfaced of Strawberry Shartcake and Jeffrey Epstein, partying like it was 1992 (because it was), fondling women and swapping trafficking tips. Anyway, I got Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life to show me what would happen if America ever watched Barack Obama grabbin’ some asses in the company of a known child molester, and in that world, the evangelical “Christian” movement staged an armed revolt.

Now, Epstein was denied bail, but he's not the only the Trump-connected child sex trafficker behind bars today, thanks to George Nader, who is now facing charges for some truly vile crimes. Y'know, I don't think I know one single child sex trafficker...is that unusual?

Rand Paul is absolutely fucking SICK of those filthy taker 9/11 first responders, and he won't tolerate those revolting American heroes suckling at the teat of the GOP donor class one minute longer! “Obviously, if we're to replenish the 9/11 Victims Compensation Fund, we must immediately offset the cost, ideally from the budget of some orphanage, or perhaps a hospital in a predominantly minority community.” Yes, this is the same Rand Paul who unhesitatingly voted for needless massive tax cuts for billionaires, with nary an offset, why do you ask?

And a Pentagon contractor got himself arrested for threatening to murder Florida Congresswoman Frederica Wilson over a proposed vaccine bill. So, yeah, I guess a cool thing about being a public servant these days is that pursuing policies that really ought to be completely uncontroversial, in this case “hey, let's vaccinate kids so they don't get sick,” might just get you killed by an unhinged, heavily-armed, nitwit who fell down some internet misinformation rabbit hole and broke his brain. 2019 is so fun, you guys.

And yeah, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot decided to explore a thrilling new genre in his Reality TV Presidency, turning his North Carolina campaign rally into one of the most horrifying scenes in American history, with his rabid congregation responding to his Two Minutes Hate targeting Rep. Ilhan Omar by screeching “Send Her Back” in vicious, manic, droning, unison. In a perfectly Trumpian detail, his campaign manager exaggerated the size of the mob.

To think, I used to worry about the state of American culture every time Two and a Half Men got renewed for another season. Now we're at the point of “gosh, I hope there are more basically decent voters than blow-on-me-and-I'll-turn-fascist types in Wisconsin,” and I can't say I feel great about that.

Anyway, just like after Charlottesville, it seems to have penetrated Shart Garfunkel’s tiny gobstopper brain that he went a bit too far this time, so he attempted a sad little walk-back, with some truly lame gaslighting, barely worthy of a magician at a 3rd grade talent show. And then of course, he walked back the walk-back, praising the “patriotism” of the crazed hate mob, (again, just like Charlottesville) because the only purpose of the insincere and quickly-abandoned half-denouncement is to be able to point to it, out of context, as proof of his purity and goodness. Whatevs.

Lord knows it was good enough for Affable Hatrack Mitt Romney, who never met an excuse, however flimsy, to feign ignorance of Trump's depravity that he didn't like. Lindsey Graham, ever angling for one of the delicious Milk-Bone treats Donnie Dotard keeps in his jacket pocket to reward his most docile stooges, went a bit further, blaming the four freshmen Congresswomen of th’Squad for daring to invoke their constitutional right to criticize the president, and lamenting that John McCain never faced this sort of treatment. Lindsey my dude, John McCain was not my favorite, but maybe just maybe the difference here is that your old buddy didn't whip up hate mobs and talk about how kewl white supremacist terrorist are. Anyway, John's gonna rise up out of his grave and slap his name right out of your mouth, if you keep this shit up.

You can learn everything you'll ever need to know about Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “sociopath”) by watching the video clip of his interaction with Nobel Peace Prize-winning Yazidi activist Nadia Murad during an Oval Office meeting with refugees; the dead-eyed stupidity, the inability to pay attention when the subject bores him, the complete absence of empathy, and of course, the ravenous, irrepressible self-centeredness.

“Yeah, sure, your whole family was murdered, but you got a Nobel out of it! I've been giving a third world dictator monthly handjobs trying to get ahold of one of those babies! I wonder if Alcaida would do me a solid, and off Tiffany, gin me up some sympathy? That might just do the trick...”

Unsealed documents from the Michael Cohen case reminded us that the Candycorn Skidmark didn't come by the nickname “Individual 1” by winning a beauty pageant (or even by ogling teenagers entered in one), but by conspiring to commit felonies. Hope Hicks did some crimes as well, and lied about said crimes under oath before Congress, for bonus crime points. I'm trying to come up with a list of high-ranking officials in the Trump campaign and/or administration that aren't known felons, and all I've got is Nikki Haley and Marlon Bundo.

Oh, and the Shitgeyser Campaign and the RNC have apparently coughed up 600 grand in donor money to pay Hicks’ legal fees, so big shout out to the loyal rubes of Cult45, not only is your Turd Emperor completely incapable of and uninterested in doing anything to improve your lives, he's gleefully spending your hard-earned cash keeping his favorite pet crooks out of jail.

(Of course, I'm talking about the same crew that's apparently willing to shell out 15 bucks for a 10-pack of Dolt-branded plastic straws to “own the libs.” Yeah, folks, I can't tell you how thoroughly “owned” I feel, watching you set your money on fire.)

Anyway, we've got a potential debt ceiling breach on the horizon, and Iran seems to have taken up a new hobby, collecting oil tankers, but I just hope the world doesn't end until this nice lady gets to marry her chandelier. And if that last bit doesn't make you descend into utter madness, I'm afraid you're on your own for the weekend. See y’all soon.

You May Want to Sit Down Before Reading This, But I Think the President May Be a Teeny Bit Racist

I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain't easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let's do this.

(And yeah, this post can be found, with all them nifty news links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/you-may-want-to-sit-down-before-reading-this-but-i-think-the-president-may-be-a-teeny-bit-racist/)

Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite his ground-breaking charity work on behalf of the oppressed "megarich pedophile” class. Me, I think this is unreasonable; we're sending mixed singles to the all the young hacks out there looking to climb the ladder of Republican power n’ influence. I mean, if the whole fucking point of your party is making sure wealthy dudes don't have to play by the same rules as us chump serfs (and it is), it's kinda bullshit to punish a guy for helping a donor skirt a few silly ol’ child sex trafficking laws, isn't it? Consistency is all I ask.

Of course, Alex's replacement is Patrick Pizzella, a former lobbyist who used to work for Jack Abramoff, and who literally defended a sweatshop economy in the Northern Mariana Islands, that relied on “indentured workers” subjected to “forced abortions and routine beatings." Fucking hell, does Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot have to keep recruiting cabinet secretaries from just the very lowest circles of hell? Couldn't we hand DHS over to a mere shoplifter/masturbator, just for variety's sake?

Oh, speaking of Jeffrey Epstein, he would very much prefer to be released to his fabulous mansion, rather than continuing to await trial in jail, arguing that it's not really even that a good of a mansion anymore, now that the feds seized his SAFE FILLED WITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. They also have your diamonds-and-fake-Saudi-passport-quick-escape kit, Jeff, so what's Plan C?

I feel like I don't actually understand what the living fuck is going on with our old chum Mike “Oops I Forgot to Register as a Foreign Agent” Flynn. Since replacing his legal team with an off-brand lunatic, he's seemingly playing chicken with the federal prosecutors who cut him a what's-that-line-about-gift-horsesly generous plea deal, which seems...unwise. Anyway, his former business partner's trial just kicked off, and we're learning all sorts of fun stuff about Mike's diligent labors on behalf of the American government. Excuse me, that should read “on behalf of the TURKISH government.” My apologies.

Responding to some critical quotes from Paul Ryan in a new book, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster unleashed a tirade on the former House Speaker that was equal parts Orwell and Mean Third Grader, and then ordered the White House grounds crew to chop down a tree in the Rose Garden in which the initials "DJT + PR” had been carved, with a heart around them, just two short years ago. Don't worry, Republicans, I'm sure your Frankenstein’s Monster will stop rampaging through your village any day now.

Anyway, I think it's time for the Eli Roths and Wes Cravens of the world to step aside, because if there’s anything more terrifying than watching the Manchurian Manchild babble about his boundless power under “Article II,” I can't imagine what it would be.

What is it with jagoffs and challenge coins these days? Seems some of the more venomous pusbags in Customs and Border Patrol whipped up a catty little collectible to mock the migrants suffering in their custody, because there's no reason dehumanization can't be fun, right?

Congrats to Tennessee Governor Bill Lee for proclaiming Nathan Bedford Forrest Day, because heaven knows we don't have nearly enough holidays commemorating terrorists. I was gonna say, “the only difference between Nathan Bedford Forrest Day and Osama bin Laden day is a beard,” but then I did a Google image search for Forrest, and, well...

Vice President Mike Pants formally renounced the last vestiges of his performative Christianity, in deed if not in word*, leading a contingent of some of the biggest shitweasels in the Senate (my God, imaging traveling with John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn at the same time, with Mike Lee thrown in for laffs) on a trip to the human zoo, to gawk at all the torment he and his taintfungus boss have caused. Who Would Jesus Imprison in an Overcrowded Cage With No Beds, Mike?

It's telling that even the most sanitized, carefully staged, photo op these monsters could concoct still looked like a WWII-era concentration camp inspection. Even more telling that Mikey Hairshirt and co. tried to spin it like a tour of a luxury resort, while we had to rely on reporters to describe the overpowering stench of hundreds of human beings, crowded together, without access to showers. And this was the Trump Administration and Border Patrol on their best behavior, mind you.

The Very Fine Administration issued a sweeping new rule aimed at virtually eliminating the right to seek asylum in the United States, because there's no point in half-assing white supremacist tyranny, I guess. Anyway, I don't think Hairplug Himmler has appointed enough lunatic federal judges yet to get away with just making up whatever laws that come to him during Fux n’ Fiendz commercial breaks, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough.

So I guess the big news is the racist guy being even racister than usual. Yes, the Grand Wizard Grifter tweeted out some vile shit, straight from the locker room at the annual KKK softball tourney, targeting four Democratic House freshmen, who, in what I'm sure is just the zaniest of coincidences, all happen to be women of color. Now, me, I think it's the Carcinogenic Creamsicle who ought to "go back to where he came from." Even though he's put on a little weight since then, I'm sure there's still room at the bottom of that outhouse.

And once again we're doing the silly little dance where Trump and his stooges pretend to be outraged at charges of racism, and pundits churn out a thousand impeccably-researched columns to prove their case, as though we're dealing with people arguing in good faith. As though the race hate isn't the entire festering core of Trumpism. Folks, we're talking about the dude who couldn't even give a speech in response to a white supremacist terror attack without praising white supremacists. He's a swollen tick, engorged on bigotry, a bloated geyser that spews shit and bile and endless, raging, hatred, all day and all night. It's who he is. And we're all just waiting around to see how that plays in the Rust Belt in 2020 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHTHISISHELLLLLLLLLLLLL.

And don't forget, the Bonespur Buttplug is indeed inciting all this hatred, and potentially, violence as a fucking campaign tactic, which you can almost understand, I guess; what's he gonna run on, his record? “After four years of doing crap everyone hates, accomplishing jack shit beyond cutting your boss’ taxes, vote for me anyway because we both despise these four brown-skinned women! I'm gonna steal your health care and shut down your family business with my dipshit trade war, but LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!!! GOOD, GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!”

It took the elected officials of the GOP a whole goddamn day to realize this one, like Charlottesville, wasn't going to go away by itself. And thus, as proud graduates of the Jeff Flake School of Political Courage, they're been trickling out some of the weakest sauce this side of a truck stop Olive Garden. Cowering before the rabid hate mob their party has become, most of them lack the vertebrae to muster so much as a feeble “hey, maybe the president shouldn't talk like David Duke at a wedding with an open bar.”

At this point, I'm convinced that Susan Collins and Mitt Romney have been replaced by actors performing elaborate parodies of the originals. Of course, to the Lickspittle Elite, like Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, even bigotry so blatant as to draw the open praise of white supremacists doesn't count as racism because...just BECAUSE, ok? And of course Lindsey Graham slid right into his comfortable role as Fat Q*Bert's Shitty Igor, bowing and scraping and lapping up his master’s brackish piss, insisting to anyone who'll listen that it's delicious.

For years, one of conservatives’ favorite attacks on President Obama was blather to the effect of “how can you fight radical Islamic terrorism if you won't even say it?” Well, how can you fight Al Qaeda if you CAN'T FUCKING SPELL IT? Seriously? “Alcaida?” If you needed proof that Donnie Dotard has never read one single paragraph of his security briefings in more than two years, you've got it.

Hey, if you did a triple take this afternoon when you saw the headline “Richard Spencer is now the Acting Defense Secretary,” nobody could blame you. Good for a quick lil’ heart attack, huh?

Oh, and Kellyanne Conway skipped out on a subpoena from the House Oversight and Reform Committee today, probably to smoke grass and violate the Hatch Act some more under the bleachers after school. Like, I get why Boss Shart attacks the rule of law; he's been committing significant crimes for decades now, and there's a very real possibility of dying in prison if the law ever catches up to him. But Kellyanne? Shit, you're just a penny-ante propagandist, sit the fuck down.

And don't miss CNN's thrilling behind-the-scenes exposé on how Shit-Smearing Cat Neglecter Julian Assange colluded with Russian intelligence agencies to fuck up the entire dang world, from the comfort of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Julian's in jail right now, and I sincerely hope they pee in his food.

Fuck it, I'm out. I'm taking my chances with the meth 'gators. Oh, by the way, I don't think I'll be able to check in again until Friday, so don't stay up, staring mournfully at your screen, waiting for the usual Thursday Nite update.

P.S. It's been a rough one tonight, so let me leave you with this hilarious and richly-deserved profile of the Trumpiest little turdlet in the U.S. House, it's a good'n.

*Like, I know there are disputes between the various sects over when you get to eat red meat and whether or not you're allowed to be alone in a room with a woman, but torturing kids is frowned upon more or less universally, right?

Oh Look, a Double Shot of Gorka...Yeah, it's Been That Kind of Week. (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Y'know, I spent a long, frustrating, and ultimately futile afternoon at the DMV yesterday, and that felt like a soothing Caribbean vacation next to the goddamn news. Plus, no residual sand in any bodily crevices. Fuck it, send me back.

(And yeah, you can find this post on Cap's blog site, will allllllll those nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/oh-look-a-double-shot-of-gorka-yeah-its-been-that-kind-of-week/)

A federal appeals court ruled that the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits isn't allowed to block you on Twitter just because you point out that he's a drooling baboon's ass who everybody hates and who cheats at golf and who dresses like a fourth grader that got into Dad's closet and who Salma Hayek will never, ever, ever, go out with, so feel free to hop online and fill those comments sections with articles about his 20+ sexual assault accusations, it's your constitutional right!

Hey, we learned that the whole ridiculous “Hillary Clinton murdered Seth Rich with her bare hands and then ate him with the hot sauce she carries in her purse to pander with before burying the remains on top of Vince Foster” conspiracy theory was concocted by Russian intelligence! I bet this news makes the frothy fringe folks, both left and right, who spread that garbage around back in 2016, much more discerning and responsible going forward. I'm particularly looking forward to a thoughtful, long-overdue, retraction and apology from Sean Hannity. Also looking forward to checking my unicorn traps later, I'm feeling lucky.

Federal judges are not down with the Shart Administration's attempt to sneak a shiny new team of lawyers into their bullshit census case, because it turns out the judicial system isn't fucking Celebrity Wife Swap. I think the last remaining strategy available to William Barr is to tell John Roberts that it was his poor old mother's dying wish that he do all he could to institutionalize white supremacy in this nation, and how can you deny that sweet woman such a simple request? (More on this in a bit...)

Looks like Tangerine Idi Amin's pathetic little Come as Your Favorite Despot costume party on July 4th bankrupted Washington, D.C.'s security/anti-terrorism fund, because right-wing populism means American citizens’ safety is almost as important as Dear Leader's frail ego...but not quite. Hey, Littlefinger, next time you want to let America know you couldn't pass a fourth grade history test, just send a tweet, it's cheaper.

The real-time documenting of the increasingly-rapid mental deterioration of the Commander-in-Chief of the most awesome military force in human history continued at a signing ceremony for an executive order aimed at fighting kidney disease. It was like watching a pork rind give a TED Talk. At the rate he's declining, he'll be limited to grunts and squeals by the time the debates roll around.

Seems there's a wee Pencelet running for Governor down in Mississippi, who refused to grant a female reporter permission to accompany him on a campaign trip, because he thinks all women are so Thirsty for Theocrats that she would immediately demand intercourse (probably butt stuff, too) the very first moment they were left alone together, and he is a man of Gawd, by gum! Observing young Robert Foster, with his Great Clips haircut and his medieval value system, it's really sort of adorable that he imagines anyone anywhere would want to fuck him. Or make him governor of anything larger than toaster oven. But you gotta admire his confidence.

Tucker Carlson, who somehow manages to be a white supremacist despite looking like somebody glued a roadkill wig onto a gym sock that some teenager keeps under his bed to jerk off into, launched a shockingly-racist-even-by-2019 standards attack on Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, a fear-mongering diatribe that surely made the David Dukes and Richard Spencers of the world wet themselves with glee that you can not only get away with this sort of thing now, but use it to sell advertising on cable television.

Bombarded with calls to resign JUST because he once used his power as a U.S. Attorney to make life as easy as possible for a serial child molester, Labor Secretary Alex Acosta held a press conference to inform America that it was all those lazy child victims who were to blame, and certainly not Alex Acosta. Creepy old freak practically suggested statues should be built in his honor, for securing a few months of diet-jail work release for a fucking sex trafficker. Oh, and former Florida state attorney Barry Krischer says Alex is full of shit anyway. Anyway, between the depravity and the dishonesty and the refusal to take responsibility, Acosta'll probably be the GOP presidential nominee in 2024.

As for Il Douche himself, he went to great lengths to explain that despite his well-documented history of bragging about ogling naked teenagers, he stopped palling around with this particular pervert a long time ago, and honestly, hardly attended any parties with just him, Epstein, and 28 girls. And yes, we're literally auctioning off strippers at one of my sleazy-ass golf resorts, why do you ask?

The threatened Trump/Miller nationwide ICE raids are apparently back on for the weekend, because while the Grand Wizard Grifter cannot deliver better jobs, or higher wages, or superior health care, or lower taxes, or, frankly, so much as an extra Whatchamacallit bar every month or so, he CAN use the awesome power of the state to terrorize minorities, and honestly, his base wants that more than any dumb ol’ quality-of-life improvements. “I just sleep a little better at night, knowing there are frightened children, sleeping on concrete, in cages, crying out for their mothers, y'know?” one Trump voter told a New York Times reporter in a diner in some burned-out manufacturing town where the life expectancy is 52.

Paul Ryan, desperate to rewrite his legacy as the guy who enabled Trumpism at every turn despite being the guy who enabled Trumpism at every turn, believes he can rehab his image by giving interviews where he insists he was thinking really disapproving thoughts back when he aimed Shart Garfunkel’s wee weenie as he pissed all over the Constitution. Bro, you held the door open for fascism in America, and you did for tax cuts for the rich, which working people loathe, and which won't survive the first year of the next administration anyway. That's your legacy. Learn to love it. Or don't. I don't give a fuck.

Conservatives are still sputtering mad at the United States women's national soccer team, which I kinda get; after all, Rapinoe and co. didn't need foreign interference and a quirk of the electoral college to win. Ben Shapiro, Jesse Watters, Squeezably Soft Telefascist Sebastian Gorka...are there any rage-filled, subpar, white dudes who AREN'T melting down in the face of authentic American excellence?

With all the turmoil facing the United States, at home and abroad, President Gas Station Urinal Cake somehow figured the best of use of his time was to convene a gaggle of the skeeviest cretins in the right-wing jagoffosphere to whine about his Twitter follower count. Kids in cages, health care for millions on the line in court, and your President is seething with jealousy at Taylor Swift's superior social media clout. Seeing the precise flock of assholes who make up Trump's devoted online army (though the anti-Semitic cartoonist had to back out, alas), all gathered in one place, was...zounds.

The House Judiciary Committee unleashed a veritable swarm of new subpoenas, for everyone from Jared Kushner to David Pecker* to Jeff Sessions to Oh, Let's Say Moe. And of course, these subpoenas will be ignored and/or defied, and House Dems will extend a No Seriously We Mean It deadline, and the whole thing will end up in court somewhere way down the line, but right now we're in like, the fourth or fifth episode of the Netflix original series, where everything's been set up but it's too soon to get to the climax, so we have to wade through a bunch of filler, like perhaps a few scenes from Jerry Nadler's personal life, like maybe a long-lost sibling he never knew about turns up, or he tries to lose a bunch of weight for a wedding. Point is, shit's gonna be boring for a bit.

An NRCC fundraising e-mail apparently decided that while an image of Colin Kaepernick peacefully kneeling was unsettling enough, if they REALLY wanted to scare some cash out of frightened old white people, why not darken his skin a bit? Anyway, here's Dinesh D'Souza to explain why Democrats are the actual racists, because of something that happened in 1894.

Twitter went down this afternoon, leaving me alone with my thoughts for a long, horrifying, hour. IF I CAN'T PEPPER TED CRUZ'S TIMELINE WITH ZODIAC KILLER JOKES I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, OKAY?

...but it came back, and all was well.

Snatching additional defeat from the jaws of one already-humiliating defeat, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot backed down from his plan to make the census whiter than a Rascal Flatts concert, for the second time in two weeks. He is truly an innovator in the field of losing. He's the Steve Jobs of failure, the Da Vinci of defeat, the Somebody Else Famous of Another Synonym for Losing, fuck it, I've been drinking.

Oh, and for extra fun, Fat Q*Bert invited the whole what-if-they-fed-everybody-in-Arkham-Asylum-nothing-but-bath-salts crew from his silly “social media summit” to sit in the front row at his public capitulation, giving them the opportunity to behave like poo-flinging children in the Rose Garden, which they did. The highlight was surely Seb Gorka, who really seems to think of himself as a tough guy despite being a bloated old fop, trying to pick a fight with a journalist.

Fuck, y’all, I'm getting out of here before the rule of threes kicks in and I have to read something else about Gorka tonight. Stay safe out there, Resisters...see ya soon!

*Tee hee

Sure, Let's Bring in Jeffrey Epstein Now, Because the News Wasn't Gross Enough Already (Ferret/SC)

Good God. Keeping up with the news these days is like dunking your head in the vomit bucket in a meth den. Well, the sooner we push through this shit, the sooner we get to shower...

(As per usual, you can get this post, WITH LINKS, on my site: http://showercapblog.com/sure-lets-bring-in-jeffrey-epstein-now-because-the-news-wasnt-gross-enough-already/)

I see Dorito Mussolini wasted little time in turning his failed, pathetic, Stalin Cosplay Theatre July 4th debacle into a campaign ad, paid for with your tax dollars and mine. That's probably the worst use of my money since I went to see the last Jurassic World movie in the theatre. At least in that one, the bad guys got eaten.

Of course, the day after what was intended as a spectacular showing of strength and dominance, nobody was talking about anything except Donnie Dotard's demented ramblings about Revolutionary War-era airports. Oh, he tried to cover his ass, but when you're blaming the teleprompter for the fact that you're less intelligent than the most paste-engorged second-grader in Alabama's shittiest public school, it's safe to say you've lost control of the narrative.

But the President wasn't the only dirtbag white nationalist shining a bit fat spotlight on his own imbecility. Steve King helpfully held the door open for a Twitter troll who marched in, ate his lunch, and left without tipping. I can only hope we're still in the opening chapters of a very long story about this cheap fascist goon's ongoing humiliation. May such incidents continue to occur and escalate, from septic tank dunkings to the contracting of exotic skin diseases once thought eradicated, for the rest of his misspent garbage life.

Temperatures in Anchorage, Alaska, hit a record 90 degrees over the weekend, and somebody needs to send Senator Jim Inhofe and his magical Snowball of Nuh Uh up there to explain to everyone how fake climate change is. He should tour the whole damn state, now that I think of it. God knows Jimbo would be more useful as nourishment for a starving polar bear than he is as a United States Senator.

The GOP-controlled state government in Mississippi just made it illegal for plant-based meat alternatives to culturally appropriate words like “burger” and “bacon,” and folks, I am officially confused about what conservatism even means anymore. Government juuuuuust large enough to go Orwell-on-steroids on the frozen foods aisle at your local grocery story, but much too small to ask the billionaire donor class to turn over so much as their Halloween candy budget to enable the disposable labor force to survive treatable medical ailments, apparently.

Not since Brangelina split has the nation seen a breakup as shocking as the one that occurred Sunday night, when the Manchurian Manchild aimed his pre-ice-cream Twitter tantrum not at Jim Acosta or NATO, but at longtime partner in misinformation Fux Nooz! Gosh, I really thought that relationship would last; they had so much in common, like “stirring up racial animosity for personal profit and power,” and “lying all the time about everything.”

Enabler General William Barr can be such a tease! He's dropping enticing little hints that he'll soon unveil the next bullshit excuse Operation: Bleach the Census will deploy in their quest to give John Roberts just enough plausible deniability to lay a few more bricks in the wall of institutional white supremacy. Billy is also rotating in a fresh set of lawyers, apparently because the old team was worried about getting disbarred for dispensing so much bullshit in front of the Supreme Court, y'know, on the off chance the rule of law survives the next two years. Boy won't those lawyers feel dumb if Hairplug Himmler finally snaps and sends ICE agents to arrest Nancy Pelosi and her caucus!

Susan Collins wants everyone to know she doesn't regret casting the decisive vote to install binge-drinking sex criminal Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court for life, even though he's taken to wearing a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Plan to Overturn Roe v. Wade” under his robe. That's cool, actually. We don't need Senator Collins to regret the single shittiest decision of her faux moderate career just yet. As long she regrets it on November 3rd, 2020, I'm good.

And Jeffrey Epstein is finally back in jail, where he has always belonged, and where he'd have been for years were it not for the criminally lenient deal he negotiated with the current serving Secretary of Labor. Naturally, being the guy who set a wealthy pedophile free to continue abusing children is no more disqualifying for the Seriously How Evil Are You Fucks Administration today than it was when they nominated Alex Acosta in the first place, so they're really hoping he can ride out a news cycle or two, and then get back to the life of power and luxury he “earned” by crushing Epstein's victims beneath his boots while climbing the GOP ladder of success.

This Epstein stuff is so gross it makes you want to bleach your eyeballs, and I'm sure this story will be continuously vomited across the public consciousness for weeks to come, so I don't want to dwell on it too much today. But don’t worry, Donald Trump's well-documented connections to this repulsive little monster, including a despicable quote indicating that he knew EXACTLY what Jeffrey was up to, and even more horrific, if unproven, allegations, will in no way diminish his standing as the idolatrous god of the American white evangelical mob.

Disgraced former RNC fundraising bigwig Elliott Broidy is now under investigation for allegedly using his ties to Shartolo Colon's hyper-corrupt inaugural committee for personal financial advantage, and I feel like somebody should bang a bigass gong and shout BORING, because such run-of-the-mill corruption barely registers when the headlines are filled with concentration camps and child molesters. Nevertheless, the more Drumpf associates in jail, the better.

Oooo...looks like the proto-Gestapo boys over at ICE have been using facial recognition tech to dig through driver's license databases in multiple states, without citizens’ knowledge or consent, is that dystopian enough for ya? Do they get jet packs and ray guns next?

Leaked cables from Britain's Ambassador the the U.S., Sir Kim Darroch, reveal a man with a keen eye for the obvious, describing President Crotchvoid as “inept,” “insecure,” and “mired in scandal,” as well as “twenty pounds of monkey crap in a ten pound bag,” “dumber than most hedgehogs,” and “a turd-gargling wanker who can barely read or dress himself.” Trump claims he will no longer deal with Darroch, but Shart-O, if you establish a precedent of refusing to work with anybody who thinks you're a blistering idiot, you're gonna wind up in self-imposed solitary confinement.

The United States women's national soccer team won the World Cup, which is the sort of thing that you'd think would delight most Americans, but Cult45 can tolerate no criticism of their Turd Emperor, so they have to sulk and moan while the rest of us celebrate the kind of legitimate excellence that you can't just inherit from Daddy. Hope you like Chick-fil-A and MyPillows, dorks, cuz that's all you'll have left in a couple years.

Obviously, Megan Rapinoe is not going to the fucking White House, so Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops will have extra cheeseburgers to scarf while he's consoling himself by showing phony Ronald Reagan quotes to his bigot cartoonist chums.

Battered by weeks of devastating reporting on the inhumane conditions in their migrant concentration camps, the Shitmaggot Administration figured “Fuck it, we may as well just scream FAKE NEWS,” and gosh, it's like Sarah Slanders never left. The central animating idea behind everything these shameless fuckheads do is “assuming you can fool some of the people all of the time, let's see just how much shit we can get away with.” Which is how we ended up with the concentration camps in the first place, I suppose.

It was all innocent fun back when we were watching Sean Spicer fidget while he assured us the Candycorn Skidmark was turning out crowds like a Led Zeppelin reunion tour, but now that the federal government is trying to pull the Jedi Mind Trick on us regarding the mounting pile of eyewitness accounts to their callous depravity, we are in a much more dangerous place, friends.

Hey look, the Shart House is hiring directly from the staff of fucking Breitbart now, ain't that a kick in the head? See, when they said they'd drain the swamp, they neglected to mention that they were building a tar pit in its place.

The Republican Governor of Alaska, subscribing to the current conservative conventional “wisdom” that education is for CUCKS, decided to carve $130 million out his state's university system, a savvy investment in the future of a political party that requires a steady stream of uneducated rubes in order to thrive. You'd think I'd be used to watching these jagoffs actively facilitate national decline by now, but I confess it's still surprising to see elected officials proudly proclaim “Yes, I am making things shittier on purpose.”

Getting back to Billy Barr, he's suddenly worried about the “public spectacle” of the imminent Mueller hearings. Yeah, and the fruit flies that get into my kitchen tend to complain about the “garish ornamentation” of the Raid can.

Roving White Nationalist Dolt-for-Hire KKKris KKKobach somehow managed to misspell his own fucking name when filing to run for Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, but honestly, it's easy to lose track of all those Ks. While CCChris is a proven loser, one can't help but imagine the nightmare scenario, where he and Roy Moore get sworn in side by side, and then, given the steady (d)evolution of the Republican Party over the course of my lifetime, in 20 years or so they'll be seen as timid moderates, lamenting the more civilized days of QAnon and concentration camps while their younger colleagues fight to Make Slavery Legal Again™️.

Considering all the horror and madness the average American is called upon to process these days, you could be forgiven for forgetting that the GOP is still low-key trying to kill millions of us, but yeah, they're taking yet another stab at destroying Obamacare this week, cuz you dirty plebes just keep breathin’ all the rich folks’ air.

And Tangerine Idi Amin gave a little speech praising himself for all the amazing things he's done for the environment, which is a bit like a group of medieval plague rats pontificating on their many accomplishments on behalf of the people of Europe. Whatever.

So that's the news. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, only don't, because it will surely give you mouth and lung cancer. Instantly. Put it in the bowl and flush it. Yeah, that's better.

Happy Birthday, America! We'll Start Throwing You Better Parties in a Couple Years, Promise!(Ferret)

Look, everybody and their dog already covered the “It's hard to celebrate America with kids in cages and tanks in the street” take, so I'll go the “reality got so fucked up that Mad Magazine couldn't compete anymore” route. Shit be good n’ righteously cray, is all I'm sayin’.

(Hell YES this post is available, with all those nifty news links, at my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/happy-birthday-america-well-start-throwing-you-better-parties-in-a-couple-years-promise/)

I guess just after I got Monday's post up, America watched the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits give an incoherent-even-by-his-standards-so-basically-we're-talking-howler-monkey-that-got-into-the-cough-syrup-here rant about homelessness in an interview with Liar Tuck. Now, some in the pundit class have tried to parse out the precise meaning of this pile of word vomit while it congeals on the sidewalk, like “Is he saying he invented homelessness? Is he proud?,” as though there's anything at work here more complicated that an unusually malicious, unusually vacuous, old bastard's mind deteriorating like a slug that's been salted. There's not.

Well, the House of Representatives finally filed their lawsuit to obtain Fat Q*Bert's tax returns. I'm not sure how this one ends, folks, but I'd bet real money that one intermediary step involves Eric giving a triumphal press conference where he smugly announces that he's shredded and eaten the returns, thwarting the Democrats once and for all.

Intrigue at the Capitol on Tuesday morning, as Vice President Mike Pants cancelled a planned trip to New Hampshire at the last minute, for some nebulous emergency that was never revealed to the public. The real mystery here is what possible problem could anyone anywhere have that absolutely demanded the immediate presence of Hairshirt Mike? What, was there a lingering Pride marcher in desperate need of a sternly disapproving glare? The man's a human paperweight. I call bullshit.

The organizers of that silly “straight pride” parade were the victims of the greatest act of terrorism ever perpetrated on American soil, when somebody mailed them some envelopes full of glitter. One of the nuttier things about modern conservatives is, they genuinely believe the delusional fears they develop from spending hours every day mainlining Breitbart and InfoWars are equivalent to those that, say, drive families to flee their homeland and undertake a dangerous, months-long, journey to seek asylum in the United States. Over glitter, in this case.

Glitter.

Betsy DeVos decided to make it easier for for-profit schools to rip consumers off, because when you're the walking, talking*, Avatar of Rich White Lady Privilege, I guess “It's just too dang hard to steal from poor people” seems like the sort of problem you were put on Earth to solve. Anyway, POPULISM!

Hey, President Crotchrot congratulated a despicable war criminal on successfully evading justice, and if that didn't make George Washington rise from the grave, march straight to the Oval Office, and start putting some you're-damn-right-I-wore-these-at-Valley-Forge boots up some traitorous asses, then there's absolutely zero chance that zombies are real.

I frequently criticize the Republican Party for ignoring important issues like climate change and income inequality, but I'm starting to understand that their negligence was a regrettable-but-necessary side effect of their laser focus on what I now understand is the greatest threat to the American experiment in lo these 243 years: the cancellation of a sneaker with a flag on it.

Yeah, the very same folks who see nothing un-American in concentration camps full of children are shedding red, white, and blue crocodile tears over this fucking shoe thing. They're boycotting Nike, which they were already doing over the Colin Kaepernick ad, but now they're super-duper double-stuf with sprinkles on top boycotting, which of course has no practical effect but allows them to furiously circle-jerk to their own ridiculous outrage, which is about 98% of the official GOP platform these days, if we're honest.

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey is so deranged with sham patriotism that he's rescinded financial incentives for a planned Nike plant in a Phoenix suburb, and while I've generally grown accustomed to the madness infecting the Republican Party, watching an elected official deliberately destroy jobs in his own fucking state is legitimately bizarre. Crotch-punting your own economy to own the libs.

All these numbskulls throwing shitfits over the so-called “Betsy Ross flag,” which not one of ‘em had heard of before this week, makes me realize that whatever it is that finally pushes America's cold culture war over the line into shooting and trenches is going to be SO FUCKING STUPID, Y’ALL. Frosting on a Little Debbie Snack Cake that Franklin Graham claims looks like Jesus, and therefore when AOC eats it it's an act of transgressive blasphemy. Or, I dunno, something even dumber, like the ethnicity of an actor in a movie musical about a fairy tale mermaid.

The Committee to Re-Elect the Turdpile got caught using stock models in ads, in an attempt to create the illusion that there's diversity in Cult45 beyond the white-folks-with-eyes-bloodshot-with-rage demographic. I don't get why the deception is necessary, or even desirable. Like, YOU know Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult, WE know Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult, if Rip Van Winkle woke up this very minute, he'd work out that Trumpism is a white supremacist hate cult in about nine minutes...let's just be honest about this shit.

Oh, and an appeals court told President If a Big Mac had an Id to shove his bullshit attempt at funding his Big Stupid Wall by declaring a state of emergency straight up his ass. Administration lawyers countered that there was no more room up said ass following so many similar decisions in other cases, but the court was unmoved.

So, Wilbur Ross announced that the Census Bureau was going forward with printing the 2020 census without the defeated-at-SCOTUS citizenship question, despite Stephen Miller telling Santa Claus that it was the only thing he wanted this year, he was even willing to forgo the traditional Pez dispenser stocking stuffer. All decent Americans rejoiced, because alongside sinking the Trump/Ryan Kindly Die Once You've Outlived Your Usefulness, excuse me, “health care” bill, and the massive midterm blue wave, this was one of the greatest victories over Tangerine Tyranny since everything turned all shitty in early 2017.

Of course, the Bonespur Buttplug doesn't take losing well, despite it being the one thing he does best. I mean, if the losers ever got together to elect some of Loser King, he wouldn't need Russian interference to win that one. So now administration lawyers are literally asking the courts for more time to come up with Some Bullshit Excuse That John Roberts Can Pretend To Be Fooled By This Time, While Sharty McFly himself tries to overrule the Supreme Court with an executive order, which I assure you will seem much less important to self-proclaimed constitutional conservatives than flags on footwear.

Justin Amash quit the Republican Party in an Independence Day WaPo editorial because of course he did. His op-ed runs down a bunch of shitty things about the GOP, and says oh by the way, Dems are just as bad and equally to blame, I AM THE LAST MORAL MAN IN THIS FALLEN TOWN and whatever but I bet the baseless bothsidesism gave Chuck Todd quite the holiday stiffy. Anyway, yeah, J-Mash is stickin’ to his principles, but never forget that most of those principles have always been absolute crap; the freedom caucus didn't kidnap him, y'know.

Lou Dobbs marked the holiday by bitching about the “snowflake generals” who love their country too much to participate in Tangerine Idi Amin's creepy Soviet LARPfest. Heh. Lou's mouth is writing checks that his wrinkly old ass can't hope to cash, and I sincerely hope the bill collectors are diligent.

And yeah, the Hairplug That Ate Decency did his best to hijack the traditionally non-partisan Fourth of July celebration, but fortunately, his best is awfully pitiful. First off, he stole 2.5 million from the National Park Service to pay for it, citing the seldom-invoked Insecurity Clause of the Constitution, by which a President of sub-sixth-grade-level self-confidence may circumvent Congress’ appropriation power to piss away taxpayer money on a pity party for himself.

Oh, and he gave the RNC a stack of VIP tickets to hand out to anyone bored and lonely enough to want to spend the holiday watching a pathetic old narcissist autofellate. Normally I'd be appalled by such an inappropriate politicization of a publicly funded event, but since it deepens the humiliation of the barely-measurable turnout, I'm willing to look the other way this once.

And Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops tried SO hard to get his precious parade of tanks (Sherman? Peabody? Whatever.) rolling down the mall. Fuck, he worked harder for that bit of fascist aphrodisiac theatre than he has for anything since assuming office, more than any piece of legislation or dictator summit...and he still totally fucking failed, because he's a clownishly incompetent buffoon. Couple of tanks parked near the stage, very expensive, very stationary, very unimpressive.

And in the end, it rained all over Weehands McNodick's pathetic celebration of himself, because God thought it would be a little much to send frogs and locusts...this time. The networks didn't carry it. Just a boring teleprompter speech, full of history so bad it'd make you repeat third grade, periodically punctuated by crappy footage of indistinguishable fighter jets. A flea circus from a promoter who promised Cirque du Soleil. What a massive humiliation.

And the worst part? John F. Kennedy, Jr. didn't even return from the dead, as many Trump supporters were convinced he would. Yeah, I'm not making that up. That's a real story about a real thing real people believe. Sleep tight.

Anyhow, enough of this shit, I'm gonna celebrate America the best way I know how: drinking beer. “But Cap, isn't that pretty much what you do all the time?” Fuck you, I'm THAT patriotic.

*well, “whining,” anyway

Humiliation Abroad, Atrocity at Home, and the Dolt Responsible Just Wants to Play with Tanks

Reading the news these days is like being locked in a tank that's rapidly filling with distilled, liquid, madness, doing your damndest to evolve gills. Still, I will be goddamned if I let this fuckery ruin Olivia de Havilland's 103rd birthday for me!

(Yes, as always, this post can be found, with allllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/humiliation-abroad-atrocity-at-home-and-the-dolt-responsible-just-wants-to-play-with-tanks/)

A federal court ruled that despite President Dumpster Behind a Liposuction Clinic’s most fervent wishes, laws still matter, and his inability to get Congress to appropriate funds for his Big Stupid Wall doesn't constitute a state of emergency; it's really more of a state of you're-a-giant-moron-who-sucks-at-his-job-anyway-no-wall-for-you-Fucko. Anyway, be on the lookout for the forthcoming Topps trading card set depicting every thrilling Dotard court defeat, with special limited edition cards autographed by the very judges who issued these democracy-saving decisions.

I guess it was Take Your Dipshit Daughter to Work Day over at the G-20 in Japan, as Shart Garfunkel figured maybe if he let Princess Ivanka play world leader for a few days, she'd let him touch her butt. In a sign of their profound respect for our current administration, the French government released a video of Daddy's Little Girl trying to butt into a conversation between actual, legit, policy makers, like a five-year-old wandering into an operating theater with a little plastic stethoscope around her neck.

Now, everyone's either mocking or disparaging (or both...mocksparaging?) Ivanka's unwelcome intrusion at the grown-ups’ table, but when Tangerine Idi Amin converts the office of the Presidency into a hereditary dynasty, do you really want Junior, or heaven forbid, ERIC in charge? Always choose the least of three dangerously privileged nitwits, as my daddy used to say.

Bowing to his insatiable thirst for attention and unerring instinct for debasing the United States, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot arranged a little side trip to North Korea, eager to once again lay down like a doormat for the guy who not only tortured an American citizen to death, but actually sent the U.S. a fucking bill for his trouble. Dumbass even invited the skeevy little freak back to the White House; “Hell, while you're visiting, why don't we swing by the Warmbier place, we can drink all their booze, fart on their couch, and maybe wander over to Otto's grave to piss on it literally instead of just metaphorically for a change.”

And in one of the most pathetic acts yet by a deeply pathetic man, Donnie Two-Scoops went on a sad little tirade about how Barack Obama desperately wanted to hang out with Kim Jong-un so so bad, but Kim didn't wanna, even when Barack offered him a free trip to Chuck E Cheese's with enough quarters to play all the way through the Ninja Turtle arcade game, because he was waiting for a much cooler President, one with super rad way long neckties and silly balloon pants. Everybody believes you, bro. Really they do.

Anyway, the right wing media jagosphere, constitutionally incapable of learning from past mistakes, praised their Turd Emperor as the very God of Peacemaking, conveniently ignoring the two previous times Kim gorged himself on the proffered buffet of legitimacy, stuck America with the check, and gave the Shart of the Deal a steaming bowl of Not One Fucking Thing in return. But I bet it all works out perfectly this time, campers. Fer sure.

We learned that the National Security Advisor didn't accompany Boss Shitstain to North Korea, which is, of course, highly irregular, though that almost seems like good news when you remember the current NSA is blood-crazed maniac John Bolton. But then we learned that Tucker “Look, Leadership Means Mass Murder, Everybody Knows That” Carlson accompanied the President instead, which kinda makes you long for Bolton's calm, steadying hand, and I suppose I may as well stop writing now because your head just exploded.

A Canadian cartoonist got fired from a number of newspapers over a cartoon suggesting that the Carcinogenic Creamsicle cares more about golfing than migrant children dying at the border, which is odd, because that's the single most obvious thing in the fucking world. It's about as controversial as a cartoon suggesting that there's peanut butter in a peanut butter sandwich, or that Rudy Giuliani is a cousin-fucking creep.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder was jailed over the weekend, a just and fitting punishment for his role in the Flint water crisis. Excuse me, that's not right, I was reading the news from an alternate reality where things make sense. In our timeline, Snyder was named a senior research fellow at fucking Harvard, because poisoning your own constituents is a path to glory and prestige, here in Shitty Wonderland.

Today in Entirely Predictable Consequences, Iran surpassed the uranium enrichment limits agreed upon in the carefully-negotiated-if-somewhat-uninspiringly-labeled “Iran Deal.” So yeah, we're back to a nuclear arms race in the Middle East because safety and security are infinitely less important to our President than rubbing his ass all over his predecessor's legacy.

Boy howdy, the Manchurian Manchild sure is hellbent on having a bunch of big, ugly, tanks at his “Yes, I Can Fuck Up Even the Fourth of July” party. Y'know, he's fought harder to roll tanks down the National Mall than he ever has, in more than two years, to improve a single American's life*. Anyway, the “party of fiscal responsibility” is curiously silent about this latest sacrifice of taxpayer dollars on the altar of Maybe Giving Baron Fatfuk One Last Erection But Probably Not.

Politico posted a fun little article on how the Marmalade Shartcannon’s personal pet Congressdopes are planning to use the upcoming Mueller hearings to pummel themselves about the head and groin with sledgehammers, by attacking a damn-near-universally-respected law enforcement official with conspiracy theories they came up with while smoking oregano over at Devin Nunes’ house. Dunning-Kruger is REAL, folks. So very real.

I see Sarah Huckleberry Slanders is writing a memoir, but I bet it winds up shelved in the fiction section AYYYYYYYYYYYYY get it? Cuz she lies so much? The FICTION SECTION? Anyway, what's with airline food, amiright?

If anybody out there enjoys the sensation of nauseous horror, BOY DO I HAVE A STORY FOR YOU. See, the good folks over at ProPublica found out about a secret Facebook group where 9,500 Border Patrol agents get together to blow off a little steam with hate speech and homicidal ideation! Nothin’ to worry about, folks, it's just a culture of dehumanizing racism and sexism festering within the very law enforcement agency operating concentration camps on American soil! What could possibly go wrong?

I feel like it might be a fun challenge going forward, to try to write this blog without making Nazi comparisons, but Border Patrol, you're makin’ it tough. Y'know what? If you're denying detainees water, and laughing as you tell them to drink out of the toilet instead, as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and other Congressmen reported from a CBP facility in southern Texas, guess what, you're a Nazi. That's a legit crime against humanity, and for the safety of society, it's YOU who needs to be locked up.

We Don't Actually Live in Hell Truthers keep asserting, against all available evidence, that we don't live in Hell, but I ask you, would Ted Cruz compare himself to Rosa Parks anywhere else but in Hell? I think we can go ahead and shut the door on this particular argument.

New research suggests that, while we can't know for certain, all the artisanal disinformation from those Russian troll farmer's markets may have indeed contributed to the unexpected growth of the apricot-tinted tumor in the Oval Office.

Now, this is timely news, as we're already dealing with a nigh-biblical flood of internet bullshit centered around the 2020 elections, from a fake Biden campaign site (Faux Joe? Oh no!) to some deeply despicable shit about Kamala Harris, promoted by such leading conservative intellectuals as Turdworm, Jr. himself. Anyway, when your cousin back home (the one who gets all his news from memes) posts that article from QisGod.MagaNet claiming Elizabeth Warren subsists entirely on a diet of babies seasoned with ground-up bits of the original Declaration of Independence, please don't be shy about issuing corrections.

And it looks like Mike Pompeo has been using his Diplomatic Security agents to run personal errands for him, paid for with your taxpayer dollars. Yes, YOU. You reading this right now. I'm choosing to believe it was YOUR money, specifically, that was used to finance that one trip where highly trained security personnel picked Mike's dog up from the groomer. Bet you feel like a chump, don'tcha?

On that note, I'm gonna go spend some of my money on beer, before Scott Pruitt breaks into my house looking for lotion money. Stay safe out there, Resisters!

*Ok, “a single non-megarich American's life.”
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