TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalWilbur Ross Earned His Junior Dictator Decoder Ring This Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I'm increasingly convinced none of this is really happening. At some point in the fall of 2016, I took a boat trip that I no longer recollect, during which I was swallowed by a whale, a whale which then swallowed a second boat, packed with hallucinogenic drugs, and I'm just in a coma, inside a whale, constantly inhaling some really bad shit. Hey, it's easier to believe than the actual news.
(And yes, as usual, you can find this post, with all those helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/wilbur-ross-earned-his-junior-dictator-decoder-ring-this-week/)
Redactor General William Barr grows more comfortable in his role as chief legal thug to an authoritarian goon every day, and now he's launching a Yes This is a Nakedly Corrupt Abuse of Power That's What We Do Now “antitrust investigation” into four automakers for daring to agree to new emissions standards with the state of California. Defying Dear Leader AND admitting climate change is real? You're lucky you didn't impugn his crowd sizes, there'd be public executions.
Meanwhile, Cult45 High Priest Brad Parscale predicts the Sham Family Robinshart will become a “dynasty,” inflicting their trademark brand of hateful divisiveness and petty crime on America until Fort Knox is empty and Mount Rushmore has eroded in shame. Seems kinda overconfident when you've never come within 3 million votes of a political majority, but Brad also thinks he's pulling off that beard, so...
Speaking of the hopelessly inept, Eric Trump singlehandedly uncovered a nefarious deep state plot to practice the forbidden art of responsible journalism, rage-tweeting about WaPo's David Farenthold's underhanded “tactics” of...politely reaching out to a potential source. Dynasty indeed.
The United States Air Force announced a historic change to their motto, which now reads “to fly, fight, and win—in air, space, and cyberspace, and also to take every available opportunity to funnel taxpayer dollars into the cheap grifter President's tacky, failing, Scottish golf resort.” Yes, our military seems to be rerouting flights and servicemen, at no small extra cost to the Treasury, to Tangerine Idi Amin's little money pit, and I'm telling you, when we finally beat this cheap crook, somebody needs to pat him down on the way out at the next inauguration or he'll make off with the Monroe silver.
So apparently a deal was kinda sorta close with the Taliban, but not really because the Afghan government wasn't involved, but the point is, negotiators were making progress while President Buford T. Dumbshit kept his nose out of it, focusing instead on golf and yelling at sitcom actors. But then he once again pulled what historians will surely call the “Trump Maneuver,” a deceptively-simple three step process during which he:
Smells a chance for personal glory
Swoops into a situation he knows fuckall about
Immediately fucks everything up
Seems he hastily invited all parties, including the fucking Taliban, yes THAT Taliban, to Camp David, because he wanted his picture taken WITH THE TALIBAN. And yes, in no time at all, President Gas Station Urinal Cake's cringeworthy Nobel thirst ruined the whole damn thing, so everybody can get back to their forever war now, thanks for your time. For those keeping score at home, the Shart of the Deal has now made precisely zero deals during his 2 1/2 years in office.
And then, for reasons that would baffle an army of psychiatrists, he told the whole damn world about his fuckup. On Twitter, naturally. Why? Because he's an angry buffoon with no impulse control. Sleep tight, America!
Republicans, upon learning that the head of their party invited the leaders of the very terrorist organization that sheltered Al Qaeda while they planned the 9/11 attacks to Camp Freakin’ David a few short days ahead of the 9/11 anniversary, asked “well, do you still hate immigrants?” and Fat Q*Bert went “more than ever” and the base went “then we cool” because despite Bill Kristol's ongoing bewilderment that his thoughtful essays on whateverthefuckhewritesessaysabout failed to shape modern conservatism to the extent he'd imagined, the GOP is nothing but a white supremacist hate cult. Sure, they'll blindly back the policies you tell them to back, but there are no deeply held beliefs beyond the racism, not even, it would seem, “hey, terrorists are bad.”
Mark Sanford claims to have found a secret branch of the Appalachian Trail that ends up in the Oval Office, and so he's joining Bill Weld and Joe Walsh in the Republican primary field that Sharty McFly totally isn't afraid of, which is clearly demonstrated by all the state-level parties canceling their primaries in terror of incurring the Turd Emperor's tiny-fisted wrath.
While Hurricane Dorian threatened the state he allegedly represents in the United States Senate, Prized Presidential Poodle Lindsey Graham figured it was the perfect time to jet across the Atlantic to take selfies with Eurotrash Megabigot Geert Wilders. I guess ol’ John McCain really was a good influence on Lindsey, he's fallen in with a bad crowd lately. I'm worried he'll wind up in a gang. Or the Klan.
And though the U.S. was largely spared Dorian's wrath, our neighbors in the Bahamas got seriously fucked up, so of course there are refugees. Well, if Government Cheese Goebbels could abandon U.S. citizens in Puerto Rico to die from neglect in the aftermath of a devastating hurricane, he sure as shit isn't going to help people who can't legally donate to American political campaigns, so of course he's inventing any sneaky excuse he can find to refuse desperate Bahamians entry, trotting out some of his favorite old racist tropes in the process. Stephen Miller must have his own version of a Spider Sense, where his bald spot burns like a hemorrhoid whenever there's an opportunity to hurt non-white people in need.
CNN reports that the U.S. intelligence community was forced to extract a highly-placed Russian spy in 2017, after Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot placed their life in danger by “mishandling classified intelligence,” by which I mean “just giving it to the fucking Russians right in the Oval Fucking Office,” and folks, this might finally be the one that makes my brain run screaming from my cranium. What a blow to our country, and what a gift to Putin. Many theorized at the time that he may have put important undercover agents’ lives at risk; what can you do except hope he didn't get any brave people killed?
You try to fathom the damage this rampaging taintfungus is doing to our country; to our national security, to our economy, to our courts, to the very notion of good government, and you can't help but wonder if the people who lived during the decline of the Roman Empire could sense the collapse at the time. Did they have their own Mitch McConnell, holding the door open for the barbarian hordes in exchange for appointing a tax collector or two? We tend to think of Donald Trump as an almost unimaginably horrible president, but the job Uncle Vlad hired him for was Executive America Fucker Upper, and to be honest, his performance has been exemplary.
In the midst of all this fuckery n’ corruption, those closest to the Spray-Tanned Cray-Cray Man are starting to notice that, in addition to the ever-present malice and ignorance, he's now in noticeably rapid mental decline, how fun for everyone! What happens when the shittiest brain on Earth deteriorates into Cheeto dust while still in possession of the full power of the American presidency? Tune in next week to find out!*
Politico reports Jerry Falwell, Jr. is not, as he would have you believe, an extraordinarily pious fellow, but in fact a bullying grifter and also kinda pervy, and I hope you had a fainting couch nearby when you read this paragraph. Anyway, why'm I spending my time crafting poo jokes for the occasional six-pack instead of going after the big money in the right-wing rube-o-sphere? Whaddya think, folks? Would you join my mega-church? It's BYOB.
President How Dare You Call Me Racist While I'm Burning This Cross capped off another weekend of failing to fill the gaping hole in his withered soul by going on a lengthy Twitter rant, berating numerous famous non-white folks for showing insufficient gratitude for his primarily-fictional achievements. And the Candycorn Skidmark is, frankly, extremely fortunate the Constitution doesn't allow the presidency to change hands when the incumbent gets his ass thoroughly owned on social media, or we'd be swearing in Chrissy Teigen right now.
Well, the party's finally started up, you bring the nachos and guac, Jerry Nadler's bringing the Nixon-style rules for the impeachment inquiry! Who knows, if this thing gets really nuts, maybe we'll all wind up doing body shots out of Don McGahn's navel on the House floor!
Rudy Giuliani's search history likely reads “are conjugal visits with your cousin allowed in federal prison?” right now, because multiple congressional committees have opened investigations into his “nice country you got here, Ukraine, shame if it got invaded by Putin because we're withholding millions in aid unless you make up some fake shit about Joe Biden being a crime boss” thing. It's getting so you can't even commit blackmail on the global stage without snooty liberals getting all law-enforcey.
One of the requirements for being a Republican in the 21st century is the ability to stubbornly refuse to accept even the most obvious solutions to any given problem whenever said solutions interfere with the donor class’ bottom line, and so, at a time when ever-expanding majorities are demanding common-sense gun control legislation before the whole goddamn country turns into one big hunting preserve for every incel with a grudge, the Shart Administration figures it'd just be easier to monitor everybody's phone to figure out if they're “mentally ill” and about to turn violent, so they can be disappeared, Minority-Report-style. Yeah, rather than just making it harder for any lunatic to arm themself like they're bound for downtown Fallujah, let's just give a terrifyingly unconstitutional expansion of the surveillance state a spin, shall we?
Because we live in Hell, not only are we STILL talking about the Velveeta Vulgarian's idiot proclamation that all that stood between Alabama and Hurricane Dorian was the grace of God and wall made of out of Trump steaks that Mexico paid for, but it's mutated into one of the largest, and somehow simultaneously dumbest-and-scariest, scandals in American history.
To recap, Donnie Two-Scoops was wrong about something, which is a fairly commonplace event, really, something that happens at least a dozen times almost every day. But unlike, say, his Dipshit Trade War, which is destroying billions of dollars in wealth and ruining god knows how many lives, this mistake was relatively harmless, and we should have all quickly moved on, like we did that time he went on Hannity to claim he invented buttons.**
When his clever Sharpie forgery failed to silence the naysayers, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally snuck into the NOAA offices to steal some stationary, on which he issued an unsigned statement proclaiming up to be down, down to be east, and east to be a special Nobel Prize for Accuracy in Weather Forecasting. This is some Playground Orwell shit, folks.
But now we find that Wilbur Ross, Prince of Naps and SECRETARY OF THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING COMMERCE DEPARTMENT threatened to fire any NOAA employees who dared to contradict Boss Turdworm's long-since-debunked Alabama prophecy. Yeah. A cabinet secretary threatening government employees for fulfilling their legal responsibility to deliver accurate information about potentially life-threatening weather events to the American people. It's petty and embarrassing, but it's also authoritarian as fuck, and if Wilbur still has job by this time tomorrow, I expect a small army of zombie founding fathers to rise from their graves and drag him away.
Oh, and if anybody's wondering if Boris Johnson is still managing to step in every single pile of shit in Britain, don't worry; he is.
Look, I know I try to make my last story a bit of good news, as a little palate cleanser for y’all, but tonight I'm afraid I must report that Milo Yadon'tgotnoplatformnomo is struggling to make ends meet now that all the major social media platforms have banned his unique brand of performance art hate speech. I apologize if the news produced tears...OF LAUGHTER.
OK, Resisters, I've gotta see what I can do about getting my ass out of this fucking whale, so I'll leave you here. Everybody wish Dan McCready luck in tomorrow's special election!
*Assuming there is a next week, of course.
**No, this didn't happen. But how many of you googled it, just to be sure?
A Portion of the Proceeds From Tonight's Blog Will Go to Victims of Hurricane-Ravaged Alabama
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Wouldja believe this humble Resistance With Poo Jokes blog celebrated its second birthday just yesterday? If you promise to stick around for my terrible twos, I promise to make them filthier than ever, starting with this week's insanity round-up, whaddya say?
(As always, this post can be found, with all those helpful news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/a-portion-of-the-proceeds-from-tonights-blog-will-go-to-victims-of-hurricane-ravaged-alabama/)
Mitch McConnell is surprisingly thin-skinned for a power-crazed monster whose life's work has been devoted to manipulating arcane procedural rules in the name of enshrining political power with an increasingly unpopular minority, and he is still bitching and moaning about his increasingly popular Moscow Mitch nickname. If you wanted people to like you, you shouldn't have stolen a Supreme Court seat and broken the Senate, dude. Anyway, Wrinkly Gamera obviously doesn't hate the name enough to allow election security legislation on the floor, because he is a traitor, which is why we started calling him #MoscowMitch in the first place.
The Pentagon announced the 127 construction projects they're raiding in order to pay for the Manchurian Manchild's wall-shaped monument to his own crippling insecurity. We're talking about rebuilding hurricane-ravaged military bases. Rebuilding schools. Projects designed to protect our European allies from Russia. The funding is coming from a whole lotta places, not one of which is Mexico. Numerous Republican Senators facing reelection in 2020, including Cory Gardner, Thom Tillis, and Martha McSally, proudly showed off their conditioning, standing silently by as their Turd Emperor pulled millions of dollars out of their states. That'll be fun to explain on the campaign trail!
And now some of the scuzzier crotchwarts on Team Treasonweasel are raising millions to target the media, from outlets like CNN and WaPo down to individual journalists and editors, which I guess is the sort of thing you really have to do when the mere act of reporting the objective truth is so devastating to your candidate and your party. Still, it would be nice if these fucks stopped trying to burn the whole country down just so they can rule the ashes.
I don't know what the fuck Boris Johnson is up to over in England, other than trying to cram all of Donald Trump's bungling authoritarianism into what's looking to be a roughly-equivalent-to-Hugh-Grant's-screen-time-in-Love-Actually-length tenure at 10 Downing Street. Near as I can tell, he released such a smelly, autocratic, fart in Parliament that he lost his majority on his very first vote, and now he wants to call a snap election, but the opposition won't let him? What's the pitch, anyway? “Holy fuck I'm historically bad at this job, please reappoint me to it?” The ads will be like, Boris striking himself in the temple and groin with a hammer, and then, after about thirty seconds, he hands Jeremy Corbyn a second hammer and invites him to join in the fun.
Still, this shit where 21 Tory MPs stood up to Johnson's dictatorial power grab, at the expense of their own political careers, gives me serious conservative envy. A right wing party that actually sticks to their principles, and fights to preserve democracy? Wonder what that's like. The Brits get Winston Churchill's grandson, we're stuck with Marco Rubio, fecklessly tweeting out Bible verses like a shitty page-a-day calendar while his boss fantasizes about proclaiming himself President for Life.
One of Mike Pompeo's underlings tried to bribe a tanker captain into diverting his Iranian-owned ship to a Murica-friendly port, and because he is the stablest imaginable genius, he did it in an e-mail so the whole fucking world could learn about it after the fact. Yeah, if there's a Trump Doctrine, it could be summarized as “Diplomacy by Mouth-Breathing Idiot.”
In that spirit, the Dotard has turned the Middle East peace process over to one of Jar-Jar's dead-eyed dipshit sidekicks, a 29-year old who graduated from law school in 2016. At the rate we're going, Diamond and Silk will be named joint ambassadors to Israel and Palestine by Xmas.
A government watchdog found that migrant children separated from their families under the Trump/Miller/Nielsen reign of terror are suffering from PTSD and other mental disorders, which of course was the entire point. You have to wonder, at what point in 2020 will Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot grow tired of spouting fake economic stats at his rube army, drop the flimsy veneer of basic human decency, and start bragging about his administration’s REAL accomplishments: children hurt, trauma inflicted, lives ruined? The cheers would be same, you know.
The gun lobby, so confident in their dominance they've apparently just been spending their money turning Wayne LaPierre's every wish into reality, doesn't seem to know how to cope with all the losing they're experiencing now that Americans are finally fed the fuck up with their “look, it's important to make things as easy as possible for murderers” agenda. Walmart, CVS, Walgreens, Kroger and other chains finally banned open carry in their stores, in a devastating to blow to Men Who Want Everyone Nearby to Know Exactly How Small Their Wangs Are, but an overdue victory for People Who Do Not Want to Get Shot to Death by the Above-Mentioned Men.
And with Beto O’Rourke making the rounds talking about assault weapon buybacks, the gun nut crowd is screechier than ever, arguing that such steps would lead to violence. Somebody should tell Meghan McCain and co. that “we have to let slobbering psychopaths keep their weapons of war or they'll slaughter a bunch of strangers” isn't making the argument you think it is.
The San Francisco Board of Supervisors went so far as to designate the NRA a domestic terrorist organization, and since those death merchants have racked up a body count that's the envy of every murdering shitsack in ISIS, that seems reasonable to me.
So, I guess we have to talk about the Alabama thing.
I write this blog with one eye on the future alien archaeologists/anthropologists, unearthing the remnants of our bass-ackwards civilization, trying to make sense of just what the living fuck was going on in these Days of Bath Salts and Bat Guano. So, Future Alien Friends, no need to go back to your Future Alien Rosetta Stone to double-check the translation, I assure you all this really did happen. Yes, it defies all reason. We're getting a lot of that kind of thing these days.
The long and short of it is, the President of the United States, possessed of the single most fragile ego in all human (and likely inhuman) history in spite of his not insubstantial powers, erroneously told the American people that parts of the state of Alabama were threatened by an incoming hurricane, Dorian. This was not true at the time he said it, and rather than simply admitting he was wrong, and this is probably the part you're having trouble wrapping your multi-lobed alien brains around, he devoted every waking moment of the next several days of his life, at the expense of all his other duties, trying to “prove” he was right all along, and that Alabama, in all its child-molester-nominating glory, only dodged Dorian's wrath at the last possible second.
The doddering old twit actually took a fucking marker (presumably because Mulvaney took away his crayons for crapping in Oval again) to a Dorian forecast map, doctoring it with his very own tiny, inadequate, fingers. Called up his dutiful propagandists at Fux Nooz to whinge that he'd been right all along. Raged on Twitter literally for days. Finally forced some poor Homeland Security advisor to fall on his sword and issue a statement saying “Mister Trump was right all along and frankly he should be crowned King of Alabama now.”
Anyway, if you're hoping he'll back down on his dumbfuck, self-destructive, trade war before the entire American economy looks like a Nick Nolte mugshot, I hope this episode is instructive for you. And know that he'll be babbling about the damage Dorian did to Alabama, spittle dribbling down his chin, when they finally drag him away in chains.
If you're like me, you probably liked, and continue to like, President Barack Obama. One of the underrated things about Obama was the way that nobody ever had any cause to write an entire motherfucking article about how, at a certain point in his presidency, he just flat out stopped doing any fucking work at all, in favor of incessant internet whining broken up by regular (taxpayer-funded) golf vacations. And no, I am certainly not advocating for a certain Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor to spend his days actually exercising the powers of his office, but maybe at some point we should hire somebody to at least periodically check the inbox before Justin Trudeau annexes New England.
Steve King sure has gone stir-crazy since he lost his committee assignments over his “wait I thought this was okay now that we elected Trump” open white supremacy. Now he's drinking out of the toilet and telling everybody how much he loves it. Shitbag's losing his mind, live, in front of the national media, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda here for it. (For extra King fun, check out the Atlantic's piece on Steve's loyal voters! Spoilers: they're super racist!)
Actually the schadenfreude basket is overflowing with riches this week, since one of If the Dunning-Kruger Effect Was a Dude Jacob Wohl's many scams finally caught up with him, and he's now facing a felony charge, surely the first of many, in California. Young Jacob is like the stunted, subpar, version of the Wolf of Wall Street, and I think he's gonna wind up with double the jail time and one less movie.
Look, you might want to take a break before reading further, I don't want to be responsible for any ruptured diaphragms. If you have any laughter left to spare, however, you'll be pleased to learn that Squeezably Soft Telefascist Sebastian Gorka has fallen so far from his heady days as a Shart House adviser that he's now shilling literal fish oil, which is something I had no idea people actually did in real life. Anyway, if the endorsement of that soft Nazi somehow makes you more likely to buy anything, you don't deserve money.
Is Mike Pants out? Seems President Gas Station Urinal Cake has latched onto the desperate, misguided hope that the women of America will forgive every sin, insult, and fuck-up, from Kavanaughty to the concentration camps, if it's just Nikki Haley instead of Hairshirt Mike who pinch hits on overseas diplomatic trips whenever he feels like getting a little more golf in. I'm not a religious guy, but I am enjoying a fantasy of Pencey-Poo, standing before his maker, who angrily demands just why the fuck he pissed on every single sermon and commandment, only to walk away with nothing but a souvenir snow globe from Shart Garfunkel’s tacky-ass Irish golf resort.
Arizona Republithug Kelli Ward is as classy as ever, sending out a fundraising e-mail promising to stop Dem Senate candidate Mark Kelly “dead in his tracks.” Yes, that's the same Mark Kelly who is married to Gabby Giffords. Yes, that's the same Gabby Giffords who was shot in the head by a would-be assassin. As if I wasn't already looking forward to defeating Martha McSally again next year.
And I see Howard Schultz finally caught up to the rather obvious fact that nobody wants Howard Schultz to be president, so he’s dropping his candidacy to spend more time with his pencil-drawing-of-Ben-Stein-on-a-piece-of-plain-cardboard charisma. We miss you already, Howard*.
Disappointing August jobs numbers show the poor, abused, Obama economy may finally be ready for the glue factory, especially after all that rock-headed trade war whipping. Fat Q*Bert headed into re-election with a self-inflicted recession on his resume will be like Ryan Reynolds trying to secure financing for a Green Lantern sequel, only with more senseless human suffering.
As if on cue, various state-level Republican parties are trying to call off their 2020 primaries and caucuses, because canceling elections is just the sort of thing you do when you're a popular incumbent in a healthy democracy.
WaPo reports Hairplug Himmler is withholding $250 million in military aid from Ukraine unless they launch a bullshit investigation into a phony Joe Biden conspiracy theory, and this one hits every square on Dotard Bingo in one fell swoop: corruption, crime, fake news, destroying America's most important alliances, and even a little groveling before Vlad Putin.
The latest from North Carolina slides rather nicely into my traditional good-news-at-the-end-to-wash-the-taste-of-hippo-shit-out-of-your-mouth slot, as a three-judge panel overturned the state's Seriously Bro Who Do You Think You're Fooling Republican gerrymander, ordering new maps right this goddamn minute, and no dessert for six months. Nice to win one every now and then, ain't it?
Things are moving fast these days. By the time you read this, even more Republican Congressturds may have retired. Sharty McFly may have defended his Alabama mistake (not campaigning for Roy Moore, the hurricane one) as many as six thousand more times. And I know I missed some stuff, but I'm going to a ballgame tonight, cuz I need a fuckin’ BREAK, y’all. See you next week!
*Lie.
Neither Hurricane Nor Mass Murder Nor Dumbass Trade War Will Pry This President From His Golf Course
Well, it's a three day weekend, so there's only as much scandal as 7 years worth of the Obama presidency this time ‘round. It was actually the Tan Suitiversary a few days back, and by God, if we could survive that, we'll get through this whole “fascist criminal assaulting the very pillars of democracy” thing.
(As always, this post is available, with all those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/neither-hurricane-nor-mass-murder-nor-dumbass-trade-war-shall-pry-this-president-from-his-golf-course/)
The Marmalade Shartcannon celebrated Labor Day by sending Mike Pants to Poland to do his job for him. He claimed he needed to stay home and monitor Hurricane Dorian, but because he is the Sociopath Who Cried Empathy, not one living soul believed that shit. And indeed, the lazy old fuck just went golfing (on our dime) again. It's like when you call in sick to work and run into your boss at the mall, only your boss is the entire American public. Anyway, the next president should be capable of working two consecutive weekends, says I.
This is, of course, the second trip abroad he's cancelled in recent weeks on account of his Garfield-esque sloth. I'm sure the Poles, old, vital, allies, will understand that while the relationship between our two nations is certainly important, sometimes it must take a back seat to the truly crucial things, like wallowing in a pile of your own filth while rage-tweeting at a sitcom actor.
Getting back to Mikey Hairshirt's European Vacation real quick, the Vice President is in Ireland today, and even though his business is, of course, in Dublin, he's staying at Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot's tacky-ass golf resort on the other side of the island, because we can't pass up any opportunity to line the boss’ pockets with taxpayer money, can we?
Lots of folks enjoyed a laugh at Shart Garfunkel's expense, when he said he'd never even heard of a category 5 storm before, even though Dorian is the fourth to threaten the U.S. during his term. And yeah, it is kind of funny until you remember this KFC Famous Bowl mash-up of apathy, idiocy, and rapid mental deterioration gets to make dozens of decisions with the potential to reshape human history every single day.
Another way the Die Plebs Die Administration celebrated the holiday was by watching the latest bonehead round of tariffs kick in! It makes perfect sense; see, now you'll have to put in much more LABOR just to make ends meet, because Donnie Dotard's Idiot Trade War looks to cost the American consumer an extra $1,000 this year! Maybe he's hoping that we'll all be too broke to donate to his 2020 opponent? Fuck that, I'm willing to forgo an avocado toast here and there.
Now, as hard as the trade war is on most of us, it's much worse for American farmers, who are watching their markets vanish like a promised charitable donation from Donald Trump. But I guess the heartland isn't choking to death quickly enough for Tangerine Idi Amin, so he's granted waivers from ethanol requirements to the fossil oil industry that will put an extra boot on corn farmers’ necks. Welcome to the list of shit we need to put back together, folks, and welcome to the Resistance.
For a guy who's so fond of creepy cartoon images that make him look like a pro wrestler rather the engorged tick he is, Weehands McNodick sure is a coward. How big a coward? Well, he's apparently afraid of the contents of a fucking museum. Yes, back when he decided to contaminate the National Museum of African American History and Culture with his presence, he asked to be kept away from any exhibits he might have found “difficult,” and since we're talking about a guy who finds closing an umbrella “difficult,” that rules out everything but the hand dryers in the restrooms. And, because his “brand” is equal parts hate and tackiness*, he responded to an exhibit about the Dutch role in the global slave trade by boasting about his popularity in the Netherlands. (And not that it's really the point here, but of course he's despised in the Netherlands.)
Overcompensated Windbag Bret Stephens devoted his career to decrying the general snowflakiness of safe-space-seeking liberals, until a private citizen with zero clout and a functionally nonexistent platform called him a “bedbug” on Twitter, and then Bret Stephens realized that he was the victim of a second Holocaust, and frankly, since none of the six million Jews murdered by the Nazis had a column in the New York Times, this one was probably a bigger deal. Stephens, who tried to get a stranger fired over a small joke on internet, is many things; a ridiculous hypocrite, a pompous ass, and yes, above all things else, an absolute fuckin’ BEDBUG.
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro is pissed at Emmanuel Macron for offering to help put out fires in the Amazon, so he's shouting from atop the highest pile of resentment in all the land that he will no longer use Bic pens, because they are French, and holy shit, this brat runs a whole country. Were authoritarians always so childishly petty? Don't answer that, I just remembered freedom fries.
Head of the Let's Keep Fucking Everything Up Initiative, or, as it is colloquially known, the Trump 2020 campaign, Brad Parscale seems to be stuffing himself at the dark money super PAC trough, surprise surprise. Folks, everyone around Donald Trump, every single crooked one of them, is a thirsty parasite looking to suck up whatever they possibly can before the inevitable catastrophic conclusion of this political Frankenjackass experiment. For the overwhelming majority of them, it's mostly just money; for Stephen Miller, well, he's gonna get as close to genocide as he possibly can.
There was a Dickless Loser Parade in Boston, which naturally descended into violence. Wait, excuse me, I'm being told this was actually self-labeled, by its own organizers, a “Straight Pride” parade. Personally, I can barely live with myself when I do shit that embarrassing in public, like, I pissed my pants once at a day care center, and I haven't been back there since. It's been like, 35 years. I think I left a stuffed brontosaurus in my crate.
And yes, yet another enraged white male armed with yet another assault rifle inflicted yet another tragic mass shooting on our poor, bleeding, country. I guess the guy just got fired from his job, and because he was able to get his hands on a weapon of war, instead of just having a shitty day and moving on with his life, he drove around a couple of Texas towns, randomly murdering strangers until law enforcement shot him dead.
This will happen again, of course. It doesn't have to, but it will. Overwhelming majorities of Americans want to take the obvious, COMMON FUCKING SENSE steps necessary to stop this senseless epidemic, but one of our nation's political parties remains fanatically devoted to watering Wayne LaPierre's lawn with the blood of children, so apologies in advance to the victims of the next shooting, and the next, and the next, that lawn requires a whole lotta innocent blood, and it ain't gonna water itself.
Texas Congressjag Matt Schaefer got righteously indignant at the thought that anyone would dare interfere in God's plan and actually try to PREVENT mass shootings rather than pray for the victims after the slaughter. Matty my lad, I am not a religious man, but I can say with certainty that if there is a heaven, there will not be one single NRA stooge politician there.
And because Republicans are insane, mere hours after Texas’ second mass-shooting in a month, a fresh new fleet of dumbfuck statewide gun laws, not restricting but loosening access, went into effect. Now it's easier to be armed in schools and houses of worship, that'll fuckin’ fix it, boys! Why don't y’all just cut to the chase and replace every sidewalk in the state with trenches and barbed wire?
The Failing New York Times published a nice little deep dive into how Kim Jong-un keeps on exploiting his natural talent for playing Strawberry Shartcake’s frail ego like a grade-school kid's recorder, expanding North Korea's missile arsenal to threaten more and more American bases, and getting handjobs and challenge coins from the American President in return. It's like playing Risk with a Hot Pocket.
And in the best news in quite some time, public pressure forced the Let's See How Much Evil Shit We Can Get Away With Administration to back down from their plan to deport immigrants undergoing life-saving medical treatment, at least for now. But never forget you're dealing with rat bastards who have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into letting sick children stay alive, and never, EVER, take your eyes off them, for even a minute.
Alright, yeah, it's a bit light tonight, but it's a holiday. Go get yourself a beer and a brat. Or better yet, get ME a beer and a brat. Wait a second, I already have a beer and a brat. But I'll need more soon.
*And that's a lotta tackiness, folks.
SOS! Trapped in Category 5 Shitstorm! Please Send Nukes! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn't call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,” probably would have seemed irrational to me not so very long ago, but times, they change...
(And yes, you can find this post WITH nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/sos-trapped-in-category-5-shitstorm-please-send-nukes/)
William Barr had so much fun redacting the Mueller report, he's decided to remove any and all ethical standards at the Department of Justice, booking a $30,000 holiday party at his Turd Emperor's tacky D.C. hotel. And while this may look to the cynical observer like a textbook example of a kickback, there's almost certainly a reasonable alternative explanation, though no one is pretending to care enough to make one, because fuck you, that's why.
The Republican Party of Alabama wants to kick Ilhan Omar out of the House of Representatives, over charges of alleged anti-Semitism, and I certainly look forward to their ethical consistency when they flip their state blue in 2020 over Donald Trump’s legitimately-right-out-of-the-Nazis'-mouths comments about Jewish “disloyalty.” Serial child molester Roy Moore made sure to weigh in affirmatively on the nutty idea that the Heart of Dixie deserves veto power over the voters of the Minnesota 5th, and I dunno about you, but I'm just about done with moralizing lectures from Alabama.
Back when it looked like Hurricane Dorian was headed for Puerto Rico, Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to shit a little a more on that island full of American citizens he's already abandoned once to suffer and die out of racism-borne neglect, because he only wants to be president of some of us, and certainly not the brown folks with no Electoral College clout. And God heard him and re-directed the storm at Marm-a-Lago.
So, due to a recent resignation, the Federal Election Commission is basically shutting down, because they won't have a quorum. I wouldn't worry about this, since there aren't any major elections coming up, and there certainly aren't any significant incumbents with a well-documented history of colluding with hostile foreign powers to influence electoral outcomes.
As if on cue, new reports from behind the scenes at the G7 summit showed Little Donnie Two-Scoops acting PutinPuppetier than ever, with Uncle Vlad's hand so far up the U.S. President's ass I bet his elbow smells like room temperature Burger King fries. This on top of the reports that he tried like hell to cut off military aid to Ukraine. Dude, just move the Russian embassy to Melania's side of the bed and be done with it.
Hey we're finally getting to meet the new Gaslighter General, excuse me, I mean “Press Secretary,” which is nice, because so far our relationship with Stephanie Grisham has primarily been based on her drunk driving mugshots. She's being courteous enough to completely shred any semblance of credibility right up front, which I must say I appreciate.
Seems President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has finally started to notice that his term so far has amounted to little more than a festering landfill, overflowing with failure, and so he's frantically scrambling for some sort of actual accomplishment to hold over his head with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, so as to bellow “look, I don't totally suck I only mostly suck.”
And because he is very, very, very, very, very, very, stupid, he's chosen the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. He wants it like the Hamburgler wants heart disease. He wants it so bad he's ordering aides to seize private lands, steal funding from whatever Pentagon programs forget to lock their doors at night, and for extra autocrat points, break any laws that stand in their way, secure in the knowledge that he'll pardon away the consequences. Anyway, I'm sure the career criminal who views the presidency as a never-ending stack of Get Out of Jail Free cards isn't getting up to any other mischief behind the scenes.
The hot new dance craze started by Government Cheese Goebbels has spread all the way across the Atlantic! Yes, everyone's doing the Fuck Democracy Shuffle, even new Prime Minister (For Now) Boris Johnson, who figured his plot to kidney-punch the British economy via no-deal Brexit would go a lot more smoothly without all those pesky legislators telling him to do something less colossally suicidal, so he asked the Queen to let him suspend Parliament for a spell. This whole “giving authoritarian morons immense political power” thing doesn't seem to be working out, y'know?
Mad Dog Mattis became the latest former Treasonweasel Administration official to peek his head over the edges of cone of shame, taking the first halting steps of the traditional image rehabilitation tour. But no brash, uncouth, Scaramucci is General Jim, no no; he prefers coquettishly batting his eyes, teasing “oh, I certainly have a tale or two to tell, but I have MUCH too much military discipline and respect for the office of the presidency to tell them just yet, but don't you find my shapely ankle tantalizing?”
The latest bug up Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s ass is the seven minutes a day Fux Nooz doesn't devote to brainwashing (or MyPillow ads), whining about how they're slacking on the job, like a disgruntled contractor that's just realized he's never getting paid. And various Fux propagandists got all huffy and went, "we don't work for YOU, Mister, we work for institutional white supremacy IN GENERAL so there!” so anyway, to be fair n’ balanced, fuck BOTH SIDES of this jagoff kerfuffle.
The latest Seriously What the Living FUCK move from the What Can We Say We Just Fucking Hate You All Administration reverses the policy of automatically granting U.S. citizenship to the children of federal employees, including servicemembers, born overseas.
How does an idea like this even come up? Is Stephen Miller so demented that he's pacing around his apartment in the middle of the night, fucked up on some experimental drug made from the distilled tears of frightened migrant children, muttering to himself “I'll tell you what's wrong with this country! We're too motherfucking easy on the people who risk their lives to defend it!”
But even as they experiment with bold new techniques for Fucking People Over for No Reason Whatsover, your government works ceaselessly to develop new innovations in core competencies like Hurting Children. Get the Fuck Out notices have been sent to immigrants who have been receiving life-saving medical treatment in the United States, because Donald Trump is in some sort of evil-off competition with Hitler's ghost, I guess.
Kicking someone out of the hospital while they're undergoing life-saving treatment is called murder, by the way. Just murder. Once they got away with opening the concentration camps, they were always going to try murdering people. And so that's what's happening now. In America.
Anyway, it comes as absolutely no surprise that these rat bastards are blocking congressional staff from visiting border detention facilities. When you really think about it, it kinda defeats the whole purpose of a concentration camp, if you allow oversight. You really wanna make the decent people work for it, y'know? Like a, “we'll let you in when you're at the head of a liberating army” sort of thing.
Judge Jeanine Pirro became the latest conservative pundit to let her hair down and go full white nationalist, spouting the same vile “white replacement” bile as the Tiki Torch Loser Brigade in Charlottesville and the mass-murdering terrorist in El Paso. Jeanine, I gotta ask: what, precisely, do you imagine you bring to this world that's worth replacing? I get crazy people shouting at me every time I go on the subway, and they're usually much less hateful.
Always legacy-minded, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot rolled back methane emissions regulations this week, because his disdain for his fellow man isn't limited to just those of us actively suffering through his reign; he wants to send an enduring “go fuck yourself, plebs” to resonate through generations yet to come. He's probably gonna bury time capsules filled with used diapers and mustard gas all over the White House lawn.
And it turns out Donnie Dotard did indeed lie about his alleged phone calls from the Chinese, in order to trick the market into not plummeting any further following the latest escalation in his bonehead trade war. On the bright side, the markets falling for the obvious lie of a known liar is pretty much the only argument in favor of regulating capitalism that we'll ever need.
Self-Proclaimed Campaign Trail Superstar Shartboy, Jr., went to Kentucky to campaign for Healthcare-Thieving Ghoul Matt Bevin, and the turnout was pretty good...for a didgeridoo concert in a hot air balloon. Just a little schadenfreude bonbon for ya, you deserve it.
Tulsi Gabbard went on Tucker Carlson's show to call him out, face to face, on his own turf, for his despicable record of white supremacy. JUST KIDDING she dropped by to whine about the DNC's debate rules, with their totally unfair “you must have a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning, c'mon, it's almost Labor Day” cutoff. Just a head's up, lending your celebrity and credibility to Liar Tuck's White Power Hour isn't gonna win you any more Democratic votes, Tulsi. You are now cordially invited to fuck off forever.
And a Department of Justice inspector general report found that Jolly Jim Comey did not, as he had been accused by a certain Marmalade Shartcannon, break the law in leaking his famous memos. Turns out all he broke was the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. But hey, you don't have to go jail, Jimbo. Except for, you know, the jail of your making we're all forced to inhabit now thanks to your shit judgment.
Sharty McFly's personal assistant, Madeleine Westerhout, got fired, apparenlty for drunkenly telling some reporters some mean stories about how her boss doesn't really like one of his own children, yet another reminder that there are no good guys in this asshat administration, just dirtbags that periodically turn on one another.
And President Crotchrot figured today was as good a day as any to casually reveal the capacities of our espionage apparatus to the whole world on social media, no doubt believing that blurting out such a highly-guarded secret was surely worth it to troll Iran a little bit. Something something something Hillary's e-mail server.
(Is it weird to anyone else that in the midst of all this madness and atrocity, the shitbag responsible for it all isn't focused on the imminent weather disaster, or the economy he's about to break, but on allegations of bedbugs at one of his crappy resorts?)
There is, I'm sure, a ton of stuff I missed, but I have taken all I can take for one week. If you need me, I'll be the guy curled up in the fetal position on his sofa, watching old Duck Tales cartoons, dreaming of the time when I could still believe the comforting lies told in my public school American history textbooks.
I Hereby Order You to Look at Just How Thirsty for That Canada Dry Melania Is (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Once upon a time, they laughed at Warren Harding for pitching a “return to normalcy” but motherFUCK I would give my left arm, my eye teeth, a kidney, and half my comic book collection* for some goddamn normalcy right now. I want to sprinkle normalcy on my breakfast cereal, sew it into the lining of my winter coat, and dip my balls in it. But I don't get to do that, do I?
(And yes, you can find this post, with allllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/i-hereby-order-you-to-look-at-just-how-thirsty-for-that-canada-dry-melania-is/)
David Koch is surely dealing with something straight out of Greek mythology by now, don'tcha think? Like, he could probably get that eagle to stop devouring his liver every day, but there are all these ethereal lobbyists and shady underworld dark money groups who fund an intricate network of super PACS and media outlets designed to suppress the anti-liver-devouring vote, and isn't that just a shame?
Seems Team Treasonweasel is fumin’ mad at A$AP Rocky for refusing to devote his life to the Fascist Farthuffer's re-election in gratitude, thus magically delivering the African-American vote to the Very Fine People. It's adorable, in a sort of KKKabbage Patch KKKids sort of way, that these clowns imagine a single rapper's endorsement would somehow wash away the decades of bigotry, from the Central Park Five to inciting white supremacist terrorists, but then these are the very same political geniuses who fantasized about legions of Democrats forgetting all about the concentration camps and the tax scam and the attempts to steal health care from millions if he only pardoned our One True Lord and Savior...Rod Blagojevich.
Meanwhile, somebody in the Department of Justice is sending out e-mails to immigration judges with links to white nationalist websites, and Stephen Miller is still one of the most powerful creeps on Earth, so I don't think this is a one-rapper job, kids.
And the They Shoulda Stopped Handed Out Rights in the 18th Century Administration sent a brief to the Supreme Court asking them to forever enshrine the right of bigoted jagoffs to fire people just for being LGBTQ, and let's all give the Log Cabin Republicans a really cinematic standing ovation for their decision to endorse the very turdwaffle who wants to make them second-class citizens in their own country.
Hey may not be very good at being president or closing umbrellas or dressing like an adult, but credit where it's due, Government Cheese Goebbels truly excels at inspiring the shittiest people in America to be as shitty as they can possibly be. And while the terrorist mass-shooters grab all the headlines, don't sleep on the likes of 67-year-old Jean Cramer, running for the Marysville, Michigan city council on a “keep the town white as a Leave it to Beaver rerun” platform. Jean wants you to know that she's not racist, oh and by the way she also opposes interracial marriage. But for sure not racist.
The trade war with China is going pretty much exactly as you'd expect under the command of President All the Bad Kids From Willy Wonka Rolled Up in One. The dumb fuck just keeps getting baited into raising tariffs, or, as they are known here in the absurdist hellscape we call real life, TAXES ON AMERICAN CONSUMERS AND BUSINESSES, and then bragging about all the money he's stealing from us.
And of course the Chinese keep retaliating, because they're not the ones facing a fed-up-as-fuck electorate in a little over a year with no positive arguments to make beyond “even I'm not dumb enough to fuck up the economy Obama left me...yet.” In his responding tantrum, Strawberry Shartcake casually attempted to nationalize the entire American economy on Twitter, “ordering” companies to stop doing business with China. It's that perfect collision of wannabe tyranny and pathetic impotence that just screams “Donald Trump.”
In a bid to sleep at the foot of the Turd Emperor's bed tonight, Snivelling Lackey Lindsey Graham had an order of his own for the American people; “accept the pain” of a doddering dolt reaching directly into your pocket to set your money on fire for no reason beyond bullheaded pride as he meddles with economic forces he literally does not fucking understand. Probably the only South Carolinian who's happy to hear that particular message from their senior Senator is Jaime Harrison.
Meanwhile, the Shart of the Deal continues to believe he can bluff his way through this shit, apparently fabricating phone calls where the Chinese begged him for a deal. And while I'm sure that impresses the drooling idiot in the MAGA cap and QAnon t-shirt, it means precisely jack shit at the actual negotiating table. Let me spoil this for you bro: they're going to wait you out, micro-target swing state economies to make you electorally radioactive, and then sort things out whoever comes next, which should be fine so long as it isn't that Williamson woman, right?
The weekend brought us the annual Shameapalooza known as the G7 summit, which shines the brightest possible spotlight on the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits’ many, many, defects. Watching him lumbering alongside actual, competent, world leaders, as they effortlessly outclass him, and oh-so-blatantly manipulate him with disposable flattery, practically shatters my spine with embarrassment shivers. It's like watching Juilliard auditions, and suddenly some dipshit waddles out on stage and starts making armpit fart sounds.
Oh, and he tried to get his boss, that Putin fella, readmitted to the club, because it gets kinda boring without someone to talk about murdering journalists with. Because he is a loser who nobody fears or respects, he failed spectacularly, so he's back to square one on the problem of paying Vlad back for the whole “getting him elected” thing, since Mulvaney keeps insisting he isn't allowed to cede control of California to Russia.
Irritated at the insufficient opportunities to rub his peers’ noses in his imaginary successes, President Gas Station Urinal Cake even skipped out entirely on the last day's climate change meeting. Look, he had to sorta almost work for the whole weekend, in rooms that didn't even have Fux Nooz on, so he was pretty tuckered out, poor lil’ guy.
And now he's invited the G7 back to his place for Emoluments Clause Violations and Chill, I guess because he wants to make it easier for his wife and daughter to take turns pushing Justin Trudeau into their bedrooms. Still going for the cheapest available grift; I bet he came back from France with a suitcase full of hotel towels.
Capping off the weekend's buffet of humiliation, Axios broke the news that on more than one occasion, Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet broached the idea of stopping hurricanes by dropping nuclear bombs on them.
Y'know what? Fuck you, shitbag. You've gone too far this time. I work my ass off trying to write gags for this little blog o’ mine, and comic overstatement has always been a reliable tool in the box, but you've taken that away from me with your seemingly infinite capacity for ridiculousness. Nuking hurricanes? Buying Greenland? These are the sorts of conversations that tend to happen around the Ninja Turtles arcade machine at Chuck E. Cheese, AMONG TEN YEAR OLD BOYS. If I were to write “President Trump ordered the Coast Guard to combat global warming by dumping 60 tons of Hostess Sno Balls into the Atlantic Ocean," people might chuckle, but they'd still google it real quick to make sure it wasn't real.
Sad news for Steve King, whose re-election campaign has less money than a passably-organized Girl Scout troupe a week after the Thin Mints drop, I guess because I Lost My Committee Assignments for Hanging Out with Austrian Nazis and Also Rape and Incest are Highly Underrated Kinda Like the Deep Purple of Sexual Atrocities doesn't turn out to be the greatest fundraising pitch. Anyway, fuck Steve King.
Deadbeat Dad/Mega-Racist Shitsack Joe Walsh announced a primary challenge to the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor from whatever right-wing nutcase alternate dimension he inhabits. I see a lot of folks saying this is a bad thing, because Walsh is also utter trash (and he is), but when you're cleaning out the Augean Stables, anyone who feels like grabbing a shovel is welcome. Like, if I went to the doctor tomorrow, and they found a tumor in my lower intestine, and that tumor wanted to primary Donald Trump, I'd ask “would you shut down the concentration camps?” before “benign or malignant?”
And Withered Hate Raisin Joe Arpaio, on the anniversary of receiving his historically undeserved pardon from Hairplug Himmler, announced a bid to seek his old job as Maricopa Country Sheriff, because he misses violating human rights, I guess. If we don't get to see him rotting in prison, I suppose another humiliating election defeat, dragging Trump and McSally down in Arizona along with him, is the next best thing.
In the tradition of ending the blog on a high note, here's Ruth Bader Ginsburg, looking like she could still juggle steam shovels after her latest cancer scare. If we can all manage to be 1/8th as tough as the Notorious RBG, we'll take this country back in no time.
That's just about all I can take for tonight, Resisters. I'm piñata full of madness, and I will now wander my neighborhood in search of children with sticks. Be well.
*Not the Steranko Nick Fury stuff, of course.
Oh, He's Developing a Messiah Complex & Questioning Jews' Loyalty? I'm Sure This Ends Well. (Ferret)
Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let's dive in.
(As you are no doubt aware, this post can be found, with alllllll those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/oh-hes-developing-a-messiah-complex-questioning-jews-loyalty-im-sure-this-ends-well/)
The “feud” between Yammering Haircut Anthony Scaramucci and the President of the United States continues, and word is Littefinger is actually afraid of the damage this fruitfly-lifespanned former insider could do to him. Anyway, the Mooch launched the predictable super PAC grift, so he can get rich dressing up as a Resistance Hero™️, but we're too smart to fall for that shit, aren't we, Shower Captives? We'll be saving our money for the kickass Democratic candidates fighting to hold the House and flip the Senate, won't we?
Animated by the twin motives of stinginess and hatred, the Seriously What the Fuck is Wrong with You Administration is refusing to give flu vaccinations to prisoners in their migrant concentration camps, even though, or probably specifically because, at least three detained children have already died of the flu. While this an appalling new low in this campaign of racist terror, don't expect it to bother Trump’s evangelical “Christian” base nearly so much as that one speech where he said a no-no word a couple of times, because they must be selling Bibles with some of the key pages torn out these days. Anyway, if you looked at Stephen Miller's search history right now, I guarantee he's looking for good deals on smallpox blankets.
Oh, and these soulless bastards simultaneously want to change the rules to allow indefinite detention of families with children in the concentration camps where human beings are denied access to basic sanitation and medical treatment. That's right, even though the overwhelming majority of released asylum-seekers do, in direct contradiction to GOP propaganda, show up for their hearings (they are, after all, seeking asylum), your white nationalist government insists on keeping them locked up, in squalid conditions, at taxpayer expense. Imagine if they focused their fanaticism on helping people, rather than hurting them.
And while he's using the full, horrifying, powers of the federal government to torture migrant children, Trump is obstructing any efforts to protect American kids (and adults, I suppose) from the mounting threat of gun violence; what murderous multitasking! Yes, a single phone call from his death merchant paymasters was all it took to make Lil’ Donnie-Two Scoops run screaming from his previous commitment to expand background checks. I suppose that makes sense; if you're scared of a popcorn fart like Scaramucci, Wayne LaPierre must look like a grizzly bear with chainsaws for paws.
One thing that doesn't frighten Tangerine Idi Amin is stirring up anti-Semitic hate. No, even though you can't leave the house anymore without tripping over a new rage-filled white boy quoting his rhetoric in a who-I'd-like-to-mass-murder-this-summer manifesto, Donald Trump simply refuses to stop fanning the flames. And so here we are, two and a half years into this fucking nightmare, watching the President casually, shamelessly, vomit up the vile smear that Jews who refuse to support him politically are “disloyal,” indeed, using the very language that inspired the Holocaust. And still his apologists will bellow and wail like so many Blanche DuBois understudies if you dare suggest their Turd Emperor is bigoted in any way.
Because there's always an element of imbecility to everything he does, the Farthuffing Fascist's little foray into open Hitler cosplay actually sprang from his boneheaded attempt to paint a couple of Democratic Congresswomen as anti-Semitic. He sees all those polls showing Diamond Joe and Friends flushing him like the what-the-hell-did-I-EAT shitsquirt that he is, and he thinks he can change the subject and run against two Muslim women instead. Going forward, he might have more luck in his quest to paint Reps Tlaib and Omar as haters of Jews and Israel by drawing comparisons to himself.
Lest we imagine all this is taking place in a vacuum, lemme just pull the whole first sentence of a story in the Failing New York Times: “A Nazi sympathizer who threatened to butcher a Hispanic woman and boasted that President Trump would wipe out nonwhites in a “racial war and crusade” was arrested on charges of making threats, the F.B.I. said on Tuesday.” This gem of a specimen is the just the latest in the avalanche of white supremacist fuckheads who've been apprehended in the last few days, thankfully before they could carry out their terrorist fantasies.
And Hairplug Himmler once again squawked and moaned a bit about his desire to eliminate birthright citizen by executive order, reminding us that if there's one thing he hates as much as brown people, it's the U.S. Constitution.
In addition, the Adderall-Addled Assclown wants to let his old pal Vlad back into the G7, cuz what's a little Crimean Peninsula here and there among friends? Or among lapdog and lap-haver, I suppose? Anyway, this is sort of reminiscent of that time FDR responded to the attack on Pearl Harbor by inviting the Japanese over for Spam and bourbon, and then gave them a bunch of money for no reason.
Like a child trying to reassemble the alarm clock he's smashed to bits, Donnie Dotard doesn't know what the fuck to do about the economy he's been diligently throat-punching since assuming office. Unwilling to do the logical thing and back off his Dumbfuck Trade War, (because his pride is more important than millions of Americans’ financial security, you see) he's apparently test-driving the pitch that the impending Trump Recession would just be a small recession, “moderate and short,” honestly kinda cute if you think about it, just an adorable little erasure of billions in wealth shouldered primarily by the working class anyway please vote for the guy who caused it because he's too stupid to understand how tariffs work.
Somehow the Aw, Look, the Dumb Shit Actually Thinks He Can Buy Greenland story managed to morph into a legitimate diplomatic incident with lasting consequences for the United States, because it turns out leaving your foreign policy in the hands of a tantruming toddler with full diaper and an empty head is unwise, who knew?
Yes, because the Government of Denmark refused the utterly ludicrous offer, which wasn't really ever even an offer, just a bit of behind-the-scenes spitballing that some staffer leaked to make him look like a fucking idiot, the Bonespur Buttplug actually cancelled his scheduled state visit at the last minute, because the Danes were so mean to him. Personally, I think Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen showed impressive restraint in labeling the idea merely “absurd” rather than “the deranged jabbering of a visibly-deteriorating fuckwit.”
Anyway, the cancellation spares Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet the humiliation of a comparative crowd-off with his predecessor and nemesis; Obama has his own Denmark trip coming up, y'see. I actually think Wee Don would draw the larger crowd here, it's just that they'd be protesters berating and mocking him, but hey, there wouldn't any empty seats in the photos, bro.
And Iceland's Prime Minister Katrin Jakobsdottir is turning down the opportunity to make Vice President Mike Pants squirm by insisting on a private one-on-one meeting, citing “prior commitments,” with a healthy subtextual “go fuck yourself, you insufferable fascist cretin.” This opens up some time in Mikey Hairshirt's schedule, which he'll likely spend alone in his hotel room, fapping to the shapely fjords that remind him vaguely of the way his favorite pages used to bend over the filing cabinets, back in his congressional days.
Wonder how Pencey-Poo feels about his boss throwing around suggestions that he's “the Second Coming of God,” and “the King of Israel?” I dunno, I have a hard time believing God would have such tiny, inadequate, fingers. And it begs theological questions, like “Could God tie a necktie long enough to make God himself look like a drooling moron who doesn't even know how to get dressed?”
But it's not enough for Sharty McFly to shamble around the West Wing with a “25th Amendment Me” sign taped to his back, he added another unsettling rant about being “the chosen one” a little later in the day. Look, if I was an HBO showrunner trying to milk this shit for maximum effect, yes, I would absolutely add a dementia-fueled messiah complex subplot, it's just good drama. As a human being with a simple desire to live out his natural life, however, I mostly just hope somebody's had the foresight to put childproof locks on the nuclear football.
Hey look, Sean Spicer has parlayed his previous post as “propaganda minister for a white supremacist fascist” into a spot on Dancing with the Stars! It's entertainment for anyone who ever wondered if Mengele had rhythm! Anyway, Spicey is a gaslighting shitstain who pissed on the grave of every American who ever died for freedom, so trotting his treasonous ass out like some sort of novelty act is completely unforgivable, and I hope whoever made that bullshit call falls into a pit of fire ants.
Speaking of undeserved financial windfalls for American traitors, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders decided she missed having a platform to lie to the American people with sneering condescension, so she's taken a new job with Fux Nooz. Maybe she can re-enact old press conference deceptions during Tucker Carlson's commercial breaks, there sure as shit aren't any advertisers who want that time.
Oh, and Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Fucker Giuliani says the State Department helped him out on his recent trip to Ukraine in search of political dirt on Joe Biden and the DNC. Yes, THAT State Department, the one that's supposed to conduct diplomacy on behalf of the whole country, not engage in partisan ratfucking. Foggy Bottom is hollowed out so that Jared Kushner can put U.S. policy up for sale to the highest bidder, and what little staff is left collects taxpayer salary to work on the Shart re-election campaign, NEAT.
Jay Inslee dropped out of the Democratic presidential primary, and John Hickenlooper announced his run for Cory Gardner's Colorado Senate seat. Makes me think back to the winnowing of the massive flock of rectums that made up the 2016 GOP field, and y'know what? I'm proud of our team. And not just the presidential candidates (although, with a couple of exceptions, what an embarrassment of riches, right?), but all the elected officials, from the seasoned pros to our incredible freshmen House class. And even beyond that, down to all us grassroots types, making the phone calls, knocking on the doors, giving whatever we can to win the country back.
We're a good crew, y’all. We made some amazing progress in 2018, and we're closer than ever to our opportunity to finish the job. Hang in there.
How Many White Supremacist Terrorists Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Jane, I have asked, repeatedly, to be let off this crazy thing. This whole The West Wing, Only Stupid and Awful gimmick has more than run its course, and I'd very much like to watch something else now. All I want is to change the channel, but I can't find the fucking remote, and oh shit this is still real life, isn't it?
(As is customary, this post is available, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/how-many-white-supremacist-terrorists-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-light-bulb-and-other-hilarious-jokes/)
Turns out the President who has to pay for sex also has to pay to turn out an audience for the Barnum-esque Come See Dementia Deterioration in Real Time exhibitions he calls “re-election rallies.” Yes, Shell Oil had to bribe its employees to sit through one of Strawberry Shartcake’s rambling rants, and, as the empty seats in New Hampshire last week prove, without such payoffs, he's simply declining as a draw; by 2020 he'll be opening for Night Ranger at state fairs.
Republicans on the Federal Election Commission blocked an investigation into allegations that Russia used the bloodthirsty death merchants over at the rapidly-imploding-and-ain't-that-a-shame National Rifle Association to launder rubles for the benefit of the Treasonweasel Campaign back in 2016, because there are only two types of Republicans these days; robbers, and getaway drivers.
One of the big problems the NRA is facing these days is that all of their arguments are shit, and as such, they're increasingly rejected by an American public that's growing tired of living in fear of being massacred every time they go out in public. And since the old crap isn't landing anymore, they're reduced to belching up gonzo nonsense like, and this is a 100% real quote, not one of the ones I make up for laffs sometimes, “How do you tell a 10-year-old little girl who got a Ruger 10/22 with a pink stock for her birthday that her rifle is an assault weapon and she has to turn it over to government or be arrested for felony possession?"
Now, on the one hand, when your opponents are reduced to making “arugments” as farcical as that plateful of hot garbage, you're definitely winning. On the other, think of how shamelessly insane you have to be to go, “I BOUGHT A FOURTH-GRADER A WEAPON OF WAR AND YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT OUT OF HER COLD DEAD HANDS?”
The emotionally stunted fascist manchild brigade known as the Proud Boys staged another of their trademark Rallies to Raise Awareness of the Sexual Inadequacies of the Proud Boys, but Portland police managed to keep them from getting into too much trouble this time. Naturally, Hairplug Himmler took these dorky little thugs’ side, hoping to stir up enough fear of the imaginary Antifa menace that nobody notices all the failure and regression and atrocity and whatnot.
Meanwhile, a scuzzy new trio of shitty white boys have been apprehended by law enforcement before they could fulfill their terrorist mass-shooting fantasies. Racist social media posts? Check. Arsenals suited to an Afghan battlefield? Check. Depressingly rapid normalization of Angry Young Man American terrorists? That's a double-check, folks.
You look at the mugshots of these miles-below-average-on-the-best-day-of-their-life losers, or the gaggles of doughy basement-dwellers in Portland, and you can't help but wonder just how they came to reject the evidence of Every Mirror in the World and somehow conclude they're exemplars of the master race. Like, if Brad Pitt came out as a white supremacist, you'd be pissed, but then he'd take his shirt off, and you'd go “ok, I kinda get it, seriously, how the fuck are you 55 years old?” but you look at these dudes who're like “what if soggy Captain Crunch was a person,” and you're almost more confused than angry.
Probably more dangerous than even these heavily-armed scumfucks is Steven Menashi, Shart Garfunkel's latest nominee to the federal judiciary, another choice specimen, with an equal-parts-horrifying-and-idiotic (horridiotic?) history of writings praising ethnonationalism. Really looking forward to a lifetime of this guy interpreting the Constitution for the rest of us, aren't you? Anyway, big thanks to the third party voters out there, your "principled stance" just keeps on bearing fruit.
The weekend brought not one but two profiles of White Nationalist Tapeworm Stephen Miller, because if there's a market for scat porn, I suppose there are folks who might want to spend their downtime exploring the Lifestyles of the Detestable and Subpar. With all due respect to the Washington Post and the New York Times, I think I already had this one covered.
The big picture, as far as Miller is concerned, is that a man with an poorly maintained litter box for a soul shouldn't be given power over a Sunglass Hut, let alone America's immigration policy. Never have I seen a person so passionately focused on harming and terrorizing other human beings. The little shitmaggot worked, for MONTHS, on a plan to keep undocumented children out of public schools, only to be thwarted by that Constitution he hates so much. But as long as he's in the Shart House, he's never going to stop looking for new ways to wield the awesome power of the federal government to hurt brown people, especially children.
And don't forget young Stephen has a new study buddy in Ken Cuccinelli, someone to go on field trips to spray-paint ethnic slurs on the State of Liberty with, someone to banter over the finer points of Mein Kampf while the Klan robes go through the dryer at the laundromat. CNN tells us the Cooch has belonged to a crazed, anti-immigrant, hate group since 2007, so I'm sure the two hateful little twerps never run out of vile shit to talk about, like Mean Girls, only they're boys, older, and also Nazis.
Somehow, in the midst of this epidemic of racist fuckery n’ terror, the OG Congressional White Nationalist, Steve King, is demanding an apology, cuz he insists there's some sort of magical “context” where his creepy “y'know what gets a bad rap? RAPE AND INCEST, THAT'S WHAT” comments were anything other than the mouth-turds of a demented jackass. You go ahead and hold your breath on that one, Steve-O.
Hey look, we've finally got a story that isn't about a white supremacist trying to hurt and/or kill people! Wow, it's been a minute, hasn't it? Anyway, the economy is about to blow up.
Ah, but what better way to calm the markets than to pump Shambling Cretin Larry Kudlow full of scotch and drop him off on the Sunday Shoz? Larry says everything's just peachy keen, there certainly isn't a recession hiding under the President's bed with all those crusty photos of Ivanka, but then the hosts reminded him he said the exact same fucking thing in 2007, because he's a moron who's always wrong about everything. Well, maybe not everything. Maybe he's really good at like, pairing craft beers with tapas, but at economics, yeah, he's basically Beavis, which is regrettable, considering he's Littlefinger's CHIEF MOTHERFUCKING ECONOMIC ADVISOR.
And this initially feels like a fun little Hah Hah You Doofus moment, until you realize that doddering old twit walks away from that interview and goes back to work, whispering nonsense directly into the Rube-in-Chief's ears, and while the rest of us might enjoy a snicker at his expense, we also have to live with the consequences of his suddenly-much-less-amusing economic misconceptions.
Hot off the mind-boggling imbecility of the Let's Buy Greenland gambit, word is the Velveeta Vulgarian wants to run a full naval blockade of Venezuela, I guess because the people there aren't starving hard enough for his liking. I'm worried that the rule of threes might just dictate that there's one more of these stories out there, like maybe he's ordered John Bolton to draw up a plan to saw the Baja California Peninsula off the continent and then steal it when it floats away.
Donnie Two-Scoops conducts foreign policy like a second grade-boy jacked up on Mountain Dew and Chuckles, and it's a testament to military discipline that the Joint Chiefs don't have him carted away when he starts jabbering about running a naval blockade on a nation with 1,740 miles of coastline, also surely insisting that each American ship be equipped with this totally badass mega-robot that's also a ninja, and maybe you could make it a sex doll, too, just for efficiency's sake.
Unsatisfied with his already-impressive collection of flaws and shortcomings, Tangerine Idi Amin has decided to expand into an exciting new realm of personal deficiency: raving paranoia! It's like looking at a sandwich made of pubic hair, broken glass, and used bandaids, and saying to yourself, “this would be REALLY good if I pissed on it.”
See, signs of imminent recession are multiplying like tribbles, and with his known allergy to taking responsibility for his failures (“Mulvaney! Who keeps filling up my adult diapers with poo?”), Fat Q*bert has decided that the whole thing is one giant conspiracy to deny his re-election. The media is in on it, y'see, because they keep reporting the objective truth about all the ways his curdled-yogurt-brained trade war is crotch-punting the American economy, rather than dutifully presenting his preferred narrative, that everyone is bored with money now because they have so much of it.
Even the once-loyal propagandists of Fux Nooz are in it, as demonstrated by their recent poll showing Weehands McNodick getting his begolfpantsed ass handed to him in 2020 by every Democrat from Biden to Warren to a worn-out I'm With Her t-shirt. Giving multiple white nationalists prime-time hate speech extravaganzas is no longer enough; reality must be bent to conform to the Turd Emperor's wishes, dagnabbit!
There totally is a conspiracy to wreck the economy and elect a Democrat in 2020, by the way. It's between Donald Trump and the craven enablers who keep letting him do all this stupid shit that everybody hates. The call is coming from inside the house, you blithering simpletons.
And like that one Uncle back home who went from sending you chain letters about the Clinton Murder Machine back in college to using numerology to decipher QAnon posts, the Candycorn Skidmark wasted no time at all in discovering even bat-shittier conspiracy theories to spread FROM HIS PULPIT AS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE FUCKING UNITED STATES, and now he's babbling something about Google changing millions of votes with alien mind worms or some shit, who knows what goes on in that Adderall-and-experimental-hair-tonic-ruined brain? Anyway, I figure we're only a few months away from the old fart going full Harry Caul, ripping up the carpet in the Oval Office in search of the little elves he's certain Obama left behind to spy on him.
After five years, the NYPD officer who killed Eric Garner has been fired, and while it's wonderful that he won't be patrolling the streets anymore, in a few years we'll stumble across an article somewhere, detailing just how much money he'll have made on the extremely lucrative conservative victimhood media circuit, and on that day, we will all need a fucking DRINK.
And the Shart Administration “succeeded” in pushing Planned Parenthood out of the Title X program, over a new rule that bans providers from referring women for abortions, because we can't have people understanding their constitutional rights, now can we? And if a few million people had to lose access to healthcare to give Drumpfy's dirtbag fake Christian base another handjob, well, so be it.
But hey, at least the rat finks down in Georgia will have a harder time stealing elections going forward, as a federal judge ordered the state to switch to paper ballots by 2020. So the news isn't all bad. Hell, considering we got to the terrorist white boys before they could kill anybody this time, it's practically an MGM musical up in here. Cue the kick line and confetti.
I don't actually have a punchline to the white supremacist light bulb joke, by the way, I just needed a title. You can't trust anybody these days, not even a bloviating nutcase in a mask and a bathrobe.
Mercator Map Leads Doltish Dotard to Fatuous Fantasy of Greenland Grab (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to perform some six-hour-long mid-twentieth-century Czech agitprop, and there's nothing left on the buffet except the fish, which has gone very, very, bad.
(And yes, as always, you can find this post, with all those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/mercator-map-leads-doltish-dotard-to-fatuous-fantasy-of-greenland-grab/)
Ken Cuccinelli, too racist for even this GOP Senate Caucus to confirm, is looking to make the most of his brief tenure as acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, offering some helpful suggestions to give the Statue of Liberty a white nationalist makeover. “We're getting rid of that stupid ‘give me your tired, your poor’ stuff and replacing it with a Whites Only sign, and actually if there's any way to get a new, cross-shaped, torch, that'd be just swell,” he said, after delaying a press conference until the non-white reporters agreed to leave the room.
Sonny Perdue is a regular Mike Huckabee with the whole “sneering disdain for working people disguised as humor” thing. Addressing an audience of farmers who were all, “hey, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe get your idiot boss to stop crotch-stomping our industry with his dumbfuck trade war,” Sonny told a hilarious joke about how farmers are whiny, because who doesn't enjoy getting mocked by the very assholes who're fucking up your life in the first place?
Conservative Thought Leader/Supbar Internet Troll Ben Shapiro agrees that working people are stupid failures who should probably just be turned into mulch, for taking low-paying jobs instead being smart enough to be born to wealthy parents like Ben Shapiro, and I confess I think it's weird that people vote for Republicans when it's so glaringly obvious that Republicans hate people.
After two and a half years of incompetence and defeat, MAGA nation experienced their greatest victory since November 2016, when they were given the opportunity to collectively “dunk” on CNN's Chris Cuomo over some dumb internet video. Raise their taxes, jack up their grocery bills, steal their health care, whatever, just give them a “lib” to “own” and they'll go to bed with malicious little smiles on their faces. They don't even need the bread, thanks, the circuses will do nicely.
Julián Castro took out an ad during the President's daily intelligence briefing, excuse me, I mean “during Fox & Friends,” to call Hairplug Himmler out directly for his hateful rhetoric. In fact, Castro had such success getting the Dotard's attention, he's now considering renting ad space on the pockets of Ivanka's jeans.
Once upon a time, President Gas Station Urinal Cake surrounded himself with a team of economic advisors who, while certainly not the best or the brightest, were at least smart enough to warn him against starting a Big Dumb Trade War. Because he has a small cluster of rabbit droppings for a brain, he decided the solution to this problem was to replace these advisors with dumber, asskissier ones, who would tell him that his bad ideas were in fact very good indeed. And so here we are.
Somewhere within that cavernous cranium of his, he's starting to draw a line between the two lonley pulsating pus-sacks that scream “me go to jail if me not president” and “me not get re-elected if economy go down-down,” and so he's filling diaper after diaper as the stock market fluctuates wildly in response to his boneheaded trade brinkmanship. Naturally, he's more focused on ducking blame than finding solutions, but at least he's backing off the majority of his latest round of threatened tariffs, which he's trying to spin as an Xmas gift to American consumers, who apparently ARE paying the tariffs after all, it turns out. Thanks, Santa, for taking your holly jolly boot off the economy's neck.
But signs of a possible recession keep mounting, with the yield curve inverting, and I won't pretend I understand what the fuck that means, but TV economists throwing around indecipherable jargon is never a good sign. You see some tweed-jacket-and-horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing motherfucker on CNN going on about how “the tromboonler hasn't been this vajazzled since the Hoover Administration," and you start thinking about burying gold coins in the back yard.
ABC helpfully rounded up a list of all the cases where the Candycorn Skidmark's shitty little name has been invoked in connection with violent crimes and/or threats. Surely this is the sign of a healthy nation, that we can, and need to, quantify that sort of thing. Anyhow, “more acts of violence inspired than consequential pieces of legislation enacted” is certainly a novel re-election pitch.
Steve King, having grown fidgety in the absence of committee assignments, decided, for whatever unfathomable reason, to raise his never-welcome voice on behalf of the neglected causes of...rape of incest. “Where would we be without rape and incest?” wondered King, who I am assured is, in fact, a 9-term U.S. Congressman, and not, as would seem likely, a Sacha Baron Cohen character. If they still let Steve come to the State of the Union next year, his guests will be the Ebola virus and Hitler's brain in a jar.
Curt Schilling was, for a time, preternaturally good at throwing a baseball, a talent which earned him millions. The gods apparently decided to balance this gift out by making Curt an absolutely reprehensible human being. He's like the Danny DeVito in TWINS (to Alex Jones’ Arnold Schwarzenegger) of ultra-far-right loons; a mean, stupid, bigoted, colon polyp of a man, who's fond of spreading the horrible conspiracy theory that the mass shootings at Parkland and Sandy Hook were “false flags,” so naturally President Crotchvoid thinks he'd make one helluva Congressman.
A maniac with a lengthy criminal history and an AR-15 held off Philadelphia police for hours, shooting and wounding six officers, prompting Kellyanne Conway to take a quick contempt break between Hatch Act violations to attack Philly's Mayor Jim Kenney for suggesting “hey, maybe allowing violent criminals access to weapons of war so they can slaughter cops is bad and we should stop it,” because while guns matter to Republicans, human lives don't.
Keeping with the Let's Shit on Local Officials in Communities Suffering in the Aftermath of Recent Gun Violence theme, Dorito Mussolini apparently called El Paso Mayor Dee Margo a “RINO” during the infamous Well What Did You Expect Sending a Sociopath on a Consolation Tour trip last week. “Look, just because I inspired a white supremacist terrorist to massacre a bunch of your constituents doesn't give you the right to correct my lies, bro. ‘Republican’ means ‘brainwashed toady who gobbles up my turds like nectar and ambrosia’ now, and you best learn to love it.”
Corey Lewandowski has been subpoenaed by the House Judiciary Committee, which isn't particularly funny, unlike his ongoing flirtation with a Senate run in New Hampshire.
In this month's issue of Pissant Autocrat Team-Up, Donnie and Bibi get together to ban U.S. Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar from entering Israel. This is very smart of Netanyahu, because of course Donald Trump will be president forever, so surrendering to his every momentary whim is sound strategy, and there will never be any negative consequences.
Anyway, Weehands McNoDick has this rather obvious fantasy that he can make the 2020 election a referendum on a quartet non-white lefty Congresswomen rather than his own failures and atrocities. And while you can't leave the house today without tripping over half a dozen pundits breathlessly proclaiming the brilliance of this “strategy,” I have to tell you folks, this little blip in the news cycle isn't going linger in our overburdened memories for a month, let alone a year and half; in a week or so, he'll change the headlines by grabbing some visiting dignitary's ass live on camera, and we're not gonna remember that, either.
Speaking of the Manchurian Manchild's immature fantasies, I guess the dopey old fuck wants to buy Greenland. Yep. Probably imagines he can negotiate a low down payment, then stiff the Danes once he's moved in and loused up the joint with gold toilets and overcooked steak farts. Oh well, I suppose we're all safer when he's daydreaming about self-aggrandizing nonsense like Nobel Prizes and island impulse purchases rather than the actual affairs of state.
Hey, congratulations, Earth! July 2019 was the warmest month ever on record! Hot Girl Summer is right, ayyyyyyyyyy I am so very young and hip to the pop culture of America's youths to the absolute MAX, y’all! Cowabunga!
And the Marmalade Shartcannon, no doubt incensed about all the empty seats at his New Hampshire hate rally, mocked a man he believed to be a protester for being overweight, as well as having tiny little doll hands and not knowing how umbrellas work. Then the dude turned out to be a loyal Cult45 drone who was apparently delighted to be shat upon by his Turd Emperor, and I kinda get that; I still remember the day President Obama asked “hey, who's the sweaty lunatic in the bathrobe and luchador mask?" while the Secret Service dragged me away. I only wanted a selfie, Barack.
A State Department inspector general's report reveals that Fat Q*Bert's malignant political appointees, Kevin Moley and Mari Stull, were fond of harassing and abusing employees they deemed insufficiently loyal, because smooching the saggy Trumpal buttocks is certainly more vital to the department's mission than any of that silly “diplomacy” crap.
Log Cabin Republicans endorsed Government Cheese Goebbels today, even as his administration of, by, and for, the hateful rolled out new rules allowing federal contractors to discriminate against LGBTQ employees. When President for Life Trump rounds them up into camps, expect Log Cabin Republicans to publish an op-ed praising the chow in the mess hall.
Hey, don't look now, but Susan Collins’ 2020 re-election bid has migrated from the forsaken lands of Leans Republican into the verdant hills of This Shit is a Toss-Up, according to the Cook Political Report. Turns out disappointment is a two-way street, Senator. Anyway, give Sara Gideon a whole bunch of money, ‘kay?
Alright, I probably missed some shit, but I'm blaming it on the cough syrup. Anyway, I've got to get a tribute screening of Easy Rider in before bed, so I'm signing off, Shower Captives. See y’all next week.
Clue: Jeffrey Epstein Edition is Gonna be a Huge Seller This Xmas (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I'm a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day's news consumption hasn't exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay?
(And yes, you can find this post, with all them helpful links, at: http://showercapblog.com/clue-jeffrey-epstein-edition-is-gonna-be-a-huge-seller-this-xmas/)
I missed this one last week, but it seems Jerk-of-All-Trades Mick Mulvaney has a clever little plan to chase some of those pesky scientists out of the federal government by relocating their departments to Kansas City. Ah, the notorious threat of Proximity to Delicious BBQ. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the inevitable reality TV show where Mick forces the entire Department of the Interior to share a couple of Winnebagos as they tour and inspect America's national park system.
So, WaPo informs us that the Grifter Grand Wizard is shaking his tiny, inadequate, fists at the sky in rage, because his precious “brand” has become synonymous with racism. I don't get it. The Central Park Five, the Muslim Ban, “build a wall” chants, “rapists and murderers,” shithole countries, attacks on Elijah Cummings and Baltimore and the Squad, the “very fine people on both sides” speech....old man, you've worked HARD for your reputation; fuckin’ OWN IT. It's like if Ronald McDonald ran around in a sputtering fury, slapping anybody he catches saying “I'm lovin’ it.”
Like, folks've started to notice how much you like re-tweeting British hate-monger Katie Hopkins, who is on the extremely short list of Public Figures More Racist Than Donald Trump. When you're using the presidential bully pulpit to platform a monster who literally tosses around phrases like “final solution,” and you're still confused as to how your brand become essentially “the Klan, but gauche,” maybe you're as stupid as you are racist, which is like, whoa, hellaciously stupid.
But look, in the interest of fairness, would a racist President try to get Israel to ban two Muslim Congresswomen from entry? Oh, I guess he would. So maybe he's as petty as he is dumb and racist, too.
And surely it's unfair to label a man “racist” just because he refuses to stop doing Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast-at-Tiffany's voices to mock the leaders of South Korea and Japan, right? Big shout out to the Hamptons plutocrat class, who responded to Tangerine Idi Amin’s little stand-up routine not with condemnation, but with phat donation checks; we've developed a voracious appetite for boycotting you collaborating bastards.
Look, if you really want to clear this branding thing up, maybe you should take out some ads on Tucker Carlson's White Power Hour; the rates are surely pretty reasonable, what with all the regular sponsors fleeing in the wake of Liar Tuck's white-supremacy-is-a-hoax-just-ask-the-22-victims-of-the-apparently-imaginary-El-Paso-shooter controversy.
Lindsey Graham remains absolutely horny to repeal the ACA, promising voters that, if returned to power in 2020, his party will finally follow through on their promise to shorten millions of their constituents’ lifespans by stealing their health insurance coverage. It's a weird pitch, particularly after the 2018 blue wave blowout, but if these clods insist on repeating their biggest mistakes, I certainly don't intend to stand in their way.
Walmart finally solved America's gun violence problem once and for all, ordering the removal of violent video game signage from their stores, and unplugging display consoles, because 9 out of 10 mass shooters are, as we know, motivated by the lingering resentment of being pulled away from the Smash Brothers demo before they've finished kicking Bowser's ass. Pretty selfish of the Waltons to keep those stations open in spite of the tens of thousands of annual deaths they caused, but thank GOD, we're out of the woods now.
Actually the gun problem got Bonus Double Solved with Sprinkles, since Universal decided to pull their latest braindead take on The Most Dangerous Game from release. Whew! I think of all of the lives this gesture will save, and that is zero lives, so maybe now that we've gotten all the stupid, stupid, shit out of our systems, we can focus on passing some MOTHERFUCKING GUN CONTROL LAWS, huh?
Meanwhile, another would-be white supremacist Walmart shooter got arrested for threatening a mass murder of his own, but please don't confuse that twerp with the one who got arrested for terrorizing a totally different Walmart, strolling through the aisles decked out like he was expecting to be teleported to Fallujah at any moment. What the fuck, is there some sort of Massacre a Walmart merit badge in the Jagoff Scouts?
In international news, the Velveeta Vulgarian renewed his contract on the property he's been leasing half a foot up Kim Jong-un's ass, once again massaging the third-rate, third-world, autocrat's ego, while simultaneously trying to extort our long-time allies in South Korea. Kim, as always, repaid this show of humiliating deference by the leader of the world's sole superpower by launching a bunch of missiles every seven minutes or so, because of how much he respects you, right Donnie?
Hey, you probably haven't head about this, but I guess that Jeffrey Epstein fellah killed himself in prison. And America collectively raised one eyebrow in a single, unified, “what's THIS fuckery, then?” expression, from sea to shining sea.
Now, because I only do this blog twice a week, all the Epstein takes are long gone by now, but I'll say this; through reactions to this story, you found out EXACTLY how crazy every single person in your social media feed is, didn't you? Suddenly, your high school choir teacher, who likes Lisa Murkwoski but seemed more or less stable, is all “THE DEEP STATE FAKED EPSTEIN'S DEATH AND SMUGGLED HIM THROUGH SECRET ILLUMINATI SEWERS INTO THE PIZZAGATE BASEMENT AND GAVE HIM PLASTIC SURGERY SO HE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG HUME CRONYN NOW.”
Frankly, in comparison to some of the deeply insane shit I saw, I'm actually kinda disappointed in the “the Clintons strike again” crowd. Like, you're the sweater-wearing suburbanites of conspiracy theorists; the REAL nutjobs find you quaintly pathetic. I bet you listen to James Taylor while you're mainlining 8chan memes.
So yeah, maybe it was more than a little horrifying to see Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet casually accusing his former political opponent of murder, but it was also sort of phoned-in and lame. Isn't normalization fun? Why, I bet when they start jailing Democratic Congressmen, we'll barely even notice!
But never fear, Enabler General William Barr is on the motherfuckin’ case, y’all. He's gonna get to the bottom of just what went wrong in that jail that (checks notes) William Barr, as head of the Justice Department, is ultimately responsible for. He's already uncovered “serious irregularities.” Wow, can't slip anything past you, Billy. Except apparently the life of the most famous prisoner in the entire fucking country.
Revolutionizing international diplomacy in his trademark “custard-brained dullard” style, Government Cheese Goebbels has apparently taken to communicating with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau via sharpie-scrawl-on-torn-off-magazine-cover; it's all the little ways he finds to humiliate the country that show us (and Putin) that he really takes his job destroying America seriously.
I guess we're up to 17 minutes of fame each now, because the fucking Mooch is back, and I guess he's suddenly decided that pussy-grabbing bigots make bad presidents after all and can he pleez be a Resistance Hero™️now and also be on TV a lot? Whatever.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake's phony evangelical base, utterly unmoved by the sexual assault, the children ripped from their parents’ arms and thrown into camps, the stealing from charity, the unapologetic incitement of white supremacist terrorism, or the decades of crimes against Perfectly Good Steak, may have finally hit their breaking point, because the Turd Emperor has taken their lord's name in vain. Does anybody else want to sit these assclowns down someplace, and just ask them what they think the Bible says about stuff? Just out of morbid curiosity?
Stephen Miller and his new playmate Ken Cuccinelli sat down with their crayons (after removing the various shades of brown, of course) and worked up some new ways to fuck over legal immigrants, and Donnie Dotard was so proud of them, he stuck their finished project to the fridge with a magnet shaped of a jar of whitest mayonnaise. Again, the important thing here is that nobody interprets this obsessive focus on curtailing non-white immigration, while issues like the opioid crisis are totally neglected, as motivated by racism in any way.
Also, the administration famous worldwide for their seething hatred of people is branching out into the exciting new field of hatred of animals. Yeah, the myopic fuckers are weakening the Endangered Species Act, probably as direct vengeance for that one bald eagle video, because America's bountiful natural heritage is for CUCKS.
And even Dr. Ronny Jackson can't disguise the rapidly-expanding deficit, which has already eclipsed 2018's full-year total. This must make Republicans really mad, unless maybe all their bellowing about the debt and the deficit is only a bullshit political cudgel to cynically wield against Democrats when they're out of power, but they seem like such nice fellows, I'd hate to imply anything unseemly.
Okay, that's all I got tonight, folks. I can't say for certain I caught everything, in the midst of my NyQuil daze, but I don't think I missed any wars...right?
You Can Lead a Sociopath to a Hospital, But You Can't Make Him Human (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I'm hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I wouldn't still be paying my electric bill, so I guess we really are this fucked.
(As always, you can find this post with allllllll those nifty little news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/you-can-lead-a-sociopath-to-a-hospital-but-you-cant-make-him-human/)
While we were all caught up in the whole “every public space is now a potential slaughterhouse, can we maybe do something about that?” thing, China called President Crotchvoid's bluff, announcing it would suspend all U.S. agricultural imports, because it turns out the guy who doesn't know how to close an umbrella was wrong when he said “trade wars are good, and easy to win,” who'da thunk it?
So, one insecure old fop, entirely out of his element, misunderstanding the very fundamentals of international trade, and terrified of seeming weak, just cost American farmers access to one of the largest markets in the world, access they may never get back. Y'know, the America-wrecking bargain Putin got for his modest investment in misinformation and troll farms is like finding a Picasso at a flea market with a $5 sticker on the back.
Remember John McCollister? The Nebraska state Senator with more guts than Ted Cruz, Mitt Romney, Susan Collins, and the whole dang U.S. Senate Republican caucus put together, by which I mean the bare-minimum level of integrity it takes to call Hairplug Himmler out for his white supremacist hate-mongering? Well, the Nebraska GOP wasted little time in letting him know that if you're going to be denouncing racist terrorism, you're just not welcome ‘round these parts no more.
You could make a killing in the pearl market right now, as countless thousands have been clutched to dust by conservatives in faux outrage over Rep. Joaquin Castro posting publicly available information on major Drumpf donors in his district. Y'see, rich folks want to finance the white supremacist monster who incites terrorism QUIETLY, without anyone knowing about it. They just want their tax cuts so they can go back to their gated communities while the serfs get massacred at Wal-Mart, is that really so wrong?
Yes, our plutocrat overlords are none too happy us peasants are holding them accountable for their support of the Grifter Grand Wizard. Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, facing widespread boycotts of his businesses, thinks he'll get off the hook by claiming he's only financing the non-cross-burny parts. Old man, it does not work that way. As someone who's been trying for years to enjoy the pleasing buzz and refreshing taste of beer without taking on the resulting gut expansion, trust me, these things are package deals.
I'm thinking of opening a new regular segment here in the blog. I'll call it Stochastic Terror Corner. I'll pass out milk and cookies, and we can all sit cross-legged on the floor, wondering if any random passerby might be secretly harboring barely-controlled rage, inflamed by the Bigot-in-Chief, ready to explode in violence at any moment. Like, for example, the Montana man who attacked a thirteen-year-old boy, fracturing his skull...for not taking his hat off during the national anthem, inspired by his Turd Emperor's rhetoric. One of the things I like most about Democratic politicians is that I never feel like they want us to assault children.
We also learned that Fat Q*Bert & co. opposed their own Department of Homeland Security's efforts to combat domestic terrorism, and in all fairness, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to devote resources to stopping the very violence you're working so hard to incite, now does it? Me, I think it's kind of weird that the President of the United States would obstruct law enforcement agencies from protecting American citizens from known threats, but ultimately, defending the homeland is for CUCKS, right?
Vice President Mike Pants is taking a lot of heat for advising a group of his fellow fake Christians to “spend more time on your knees than on the internet.” Now, you're probably expecting me to take the obvious joke, but to me, the funniest thing here is Mikey Hairshirt's ridiculous claim to piety and moral authority. Bro, in your role as sidekick and chief enabler to that child-caging, terrorist-inspiring, democracy-wrecking, wannabe dictator, you're not just profoundly immoral, you've earned a seat at the Very Worst People in All Human History table. The buffet is complimentary, but everything is seasoned with the blood and tears of the innocent.
The House Judiciary Committee filed a lawsuit to enforce their subpoena against former Shart House counsel Don McGahn, and I keep telling you, all this procedural crap may be important, but it sure ain't funny. Just...I dunno, picture Jerry Nadler throwing a pie in McGahn's face, and let's all agree to move on to the next story.
Tucker Carlson chose this week of all weeks to proclaim that white supremacy is a “hoax,” which is a bit like standing on a soapbox in 1918 and screaming that influenza is imaginary. Anyway, Liar Tuck is now embarking on the traditional Fux Nooz host post-saying-something-appalling “vacation,” probably to give a few seminars on timing. Let's make sure he has fewer advertisers than ever waiting to greet him when he gets back, shall we?
Speaking of subpar white dudes with delusions of adequacy, the State Department suspended a staffer over his links to a local white supremacist group, I guess because Stephen Miller doesn't have enough sway at Foggy Bottom to get the little creep promoted. Heh. I guess they're gonna REPLACE HIM now.
Obviously the big story this week was the Marmalade Shartcannon's big Dayton/El Paso Grievance n’ Whinging Tour. Huge shoutout to every pundit who fell for his O-So-Presidential, Big-Boy-in-Pull-Up-Diapers, TelePrompTer Tone the other day, I would love to play poker with you some time. Donnie Dotard spent the day hiding like a coward from a public that loathes him, and SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKING CAMPAIGN ADS in the two hospitals. “Look at me posing with the people who got shot because I inspire terrorism,” seems like a tough sell to me, but it's marginally better than “I cut your boss’ taxes and tried to steal your healthcare,” I suppose.
None of the patients in El Paso wanted to meet with him, which is understandable, since it can't possibly be sanitary to allow a Walking Sack of Hippo Shit into your hospital room. Well, sucks to be you, LOSERS, and not just because a white supremacist terrorist tried to murder you, cuz you missed out on the Manchurian Manchild blathering incoherently on the subject of crowd size. I know I hype this “the President is a sociopath” thing all the time, but imagine visiting the victims of a terrorist attack you yourself inspired, and bragging to them about how many Klansmen turn out to watch you rant like some Methhead George Wallace.
The deranged old fuck actually brought previously-discharged patients BACK to the El Paso hospital for his lil’ photo op. And then he spent the bulk of the day shitting on Joe Biden, Beto O’Rourke, Sherrod Brown, and all the other Democrats who make him wake up in a cold sweat, as his 2020 electoral defenestration draws ever nearer, and with it, the loss of the legal immunity his office grants him. Tick tock, motherfucker.
Well, the Viagra doesn't work for Stephen Miller anymore, so ICE went down to Mississippi to snatch a bunch of undocumented immigrants away from their terrified children. Donald Trump may be awful at shepherding legislation, conducting trade and foreign policy, and pretty much every other aspect of his job, but he's the Michael Frickin’ Jordan of inflicting trauma on little kids.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Aldaoud, the diabetic son of refugees, who came to the United States as a baby, died after being deported to Iraq (where he had never lived), because he didn't know anyone there, couldn't speak the language, and couldn't get ahold of insulin. As a smarter man than I put it, the cruelty is the point.
And the Authoritarian Goon Squad Squatting in our Executive Branch is said to be working up an executive order designed to make social media companies stop saying such mean things about Shart Garfunkel's incompetence and his tiny, inadequate, hands. I wonder who's in charge of that doomed little endeavor? Probably a bunch of interns chugging Mountain Dew and scarfing down Funyuns in the Roosevelt Room, shouting at their phones, “Siri, how can I shred the First Amendment into the finest possible confetti?”
So...Lucy McBath is one of the most awesome new Representatives in our mega-awesome freshmen House class, but in a better America, she'd never have run in the first place. McBath became a gun control activist, and later a candidate for office, because her son, Jordan Davis, was shot and killed by an armed white maniac who figured his temporary proximity to a car full of teenagers playing loud music gave him the right to end human lives.
I'm sure you'll agree it's fairly natural, and entirely human, for family members of shooting victims to become gun control activists; who better understands the grief they're working to spare the rest of us? So when the NRCC responds to her call for action in the wake of the weekends’ dual firearm massacres with a sneering “Anything for a quick buck, Lucy!” you could be forgiven for wondering if basic human decency was still a thing.
Bad news, Resisters, Team Treasonweasel has finally uncovered the one secret weapon that will guarantee an electoral college blowout so complete, we'll be lucky if we can keep California and New York blue. Yes, he's aiming to pardon that most beloved of Democrats, Rod Blagojevich*, which, as Jared Kushner (that wily devil) knows, will surely cause a mass exodus of liberals to his shit-stained banner. Anyway, I fully support Littlefinger's continued reliance on Jar-Jar's sage political advice.
And now we learn Deutsche Bank and other financial institutions have been turning fat staxx of documents related to the Shart Family Robinson's business dealings with Russia over to congressional and New York state investigators. The piss hooker budget alone is said to be shocking.
Deputy DNI Director Sue Gordon became the latest adult-in-the-room to get forced out of the intelligence community by the Tantruming Tangelo Toddler, who will always place his personal ego above national security concerns. I imagine that observation has been made by, oh, let's just conservatively say, EVERY SINGLE FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE AGENCY AND TERRORIST ORGANIZATION ON THE PLANET, but I'm sure there will be no real-world consequences.
Before I leave you, Resisters, can I urge you to turn up the heat on the gun control issue? We've got a lot of momentum right now, McBath-bashing notwithstanding. Shit, we've even got a Republican Rep supporting an assault weapons ban now! Call your Congressthing, let's force Moscow Mitch to betray his NRA paymasters! Let's save some lives!
*Fun fact: Rod Blagojevich is the only American Governor on whose lawn I have urinated.
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