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TheFerret

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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PM
Number of posts: 457

Journal Archives

Dissecting the Conservative Brain During the Age of Coronavirus (Ferret/Shower Cap)

So, how’re you holding up under quarantine? Is your family driving you mad yet? Are you beginning to entertain Saw film fantasies about your spouse/parent/child/roommate? Feel free to discuss your grotesque, labyrinthine, plots in the comments; don’t worry, superhero blogger/client confidentiality rules apply. In the meantime, the real horror is, as always, the news.

(Find this post, in living colors, with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/dissecting-the-conservative-brain-during-the-age-of-coronavirus/)

Looking through my outline for tonight’s piece, I noticed that the headlines from the past few days have laid bare many of the deficiencies of the modern Republican mindset. Therefore, it’s THEME NIGHT here at Shower Cap’s blog, as we will pick through the conservative brain, looking for ticks and explanations, while we wait for the scientists to distill their anti-COVID serum from Diet Mountain Dew and Tom Hanks’ blood.

We’ll start with the low-hanging fruit. When last we met, Doctor Dotard had just prescribed a sunshine and bleach cocktail for the corona that ails ya, and sure enough, MAGA nation treated America’s poison control centers and emergency rooms to a surge in “is it ok if I swallow Clorox?” calls and even “whoops I swallowed Clorox without asking first” visits. So the first observable trait of the conservative mind is that it just doesn’t work very well.

The Daily Propaganda Spew itself seems to be a casualty of InjectLysolDirectlyIntoYourEyeballgate, as Weehands McNodick’s handlers have finally convinced him to back off before he accidentally tells his followers they can treat COVID-19 by pounding their foreheads with the claw end of a hammer. I’m sure he’ll still waddle out to bellow and whine from time to time, but for now it appears America’s longest, shittiest, and most dangerous clown show is more or less cancelled.

Many of the more regrettable powers wielded by Hairplug Himmler are those delegated to him as commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces. Deprived of the Klan rallies he so desperately needs to keep his fragile ego inflated, he’s un-canceling West Point’s graduation ceremonies, and ordering 1000 cadets back to serve as his captive audience in obviously unsafe conditions while he rants about his media coverage and Hillary Clinton getting debate questions in advance. Seems like a piss-poor reason to risk lives to me; anyone who dies because a deranged game show host felt like using them as a self-aggrandizing prop for an hour or so is gonna be the laughingstock of Valhalla. At any rate, here we see another fundamental trait of the Trumpian brain: homicidally sociopathic selfishness.

Team Shitmaggot petulantly attempted to order CNN reporter Kaitlan Collins to give up her front row seat in the Shart House briefing room and switch with a reporter in the back (both refused, yet another tally mark in Littlefinger’s miles-long L column), a near-perfect manifestation of the mashup of authoritarianism and pettiness at the heart of this demented worldview. It was like if Mussolini and a middle manager at the Comcast call center had a kid.

Meanwhile Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton helpfully demonstrated the long-term effects of allowing your mind to fester for years in a simmering stew of self-righteousness and prejudice. In Tom’s hate-warped brain, it actually seemed like a good idea to go on Fux Nooz to demand that American universities cease teaching Chinese students science. That happened. In the real world. “Shakespeare and the Federalist Papers” are still okay though, but I think we need to follow up with the Senator’s office, get some clarification. Is a business major permissible, or can we afford the risk to America’s strategic stockpile of shift management techniques?

Now, Tom’s dumbshit proposal is of course hellaciously racist, but please don’t ignore the fact that it’s also gobsmackingly stupid. This dolt is a U.S. Senator. This is an idea he had that he felt was good enough to share with the whole world on live television. He thinks mom should stick this one to the fridge with her best magnet. Lord. Tells you everything you need to know about Cotton and the malicious twerps who platform him that all they have to offer during this global crisis is a little more fuel for the fires of hatred, while countless Asian and Asian-American health care professionals risk their lives daily.

Famed Arizona Republiclown Kelli Ward has figured out how to dupe the lamestream librul media, proposing Operation: Trojan Nurse, in which astroturfed anti-quarantine protesters would clothe themselves not in Confederate flags, but the garb of health care providers! Wow, and you totally woulda gotten away with it, Kelli, if you hadn’t POSTED YOUR MASTER PLAN RIGHT ON FUCKING TWITTER, and also if this flock of rectal boils could actually pass for medical professionals, and wouldn’t get tripped up by the first reporter who asked “so which side of the body is the heart on, Doc?” The conservative mind is not as clever as it believes itself to be.

Meanwhile Kim Jong-un has become Schrödinger’s Dictator, somehow both alive and dead, and also, mysteriously, existing on some levels of reality as a strawberry cheesecake Jell-O pudding cup. This story does not, as you will note, fit neatly in with the blog’s theme, which upsets no one more than me, I assure you.

But I can get right back on track with the tale of Audrey Whitlock, a leader of the North Carolina cell of the Your Life For My Haircut crowd. Audrey is throwing quite the little tantrum that she was forced to quarantine after testing positive for COVID-19, painting herself as a modern-day George Washington willing to (make you) die for her right to spread contagion throughout her community, potentially killing her neighbors over an impulse trip down to the corner shop for some vape pens and an Almond Joy. This gets to heart of a key aspect of the Republican psyche, the perversion of the very concept of liberty, where your “freedom” to indulge your slightest whim is more important than your fellow humans’ lives.

So, let’s take a look at that perversion on the macro level. Now, Republicans are really in a pickle these days. Their whole November strategy, basically “Lookit This Sexxxy Economy Who Needs Decency or Democracy Anyhow,” ran into the coronavirus buzzsaw, because asking the 26 million newly-unemployed if they’re better off than they were four years ago suddenly seems like a shit plan. Now, a functioning brain would say, hey, let’s emulate New Zealand here. Let’s ramp up testing. Let’s enforce strict, universal, lockdown policies as long as we have to, and then, once we’ve got shit under control, we can ease back into something resembling normal life, in a careful, orderly, fashion. Let’s stay safe and save lives.

Ah, but this is not how the Republican mind works! Long-term planning eludes the conservative almost completely. Sacrificing comfort today to ensure a better tomorrow simply does not register as a viable possibility. The cost TODAY is all that matters. And that’s why the GOP, in its giddiness to push the serf class back out the door and into potentially lethal working conditions, isn’t focused on procuring the testing or protective equipment needed to keep people safe, but rather on shielding employers from liability for the inevitable ensuing avalanche of infections. Yes, they know we will get sick by the millions if we go back to work now. They don’t care about that, they care about your boss getting sued for putting your life in danger in the first place.

Indeed, the Velveeta Vulgarian announced today that he’ll sign an executive order compelling meat packing plants to remain open, creating a zone as free of legal consequences for the owners as it of PPE for the rank-and-file workers. And yes, you’re not dreaming, this is already an industry that’s been hit hard by the coronavirus, with outbreaks in numerous plants leading to shutdowns. There’s no mandate to create safer working conditions, of course, just Git Out There and Work Till You Die, Peasants. Now I see Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds proclaiming that any plebs who don’t feel like showing up for work in the hot zone will be ineligible for unemployment, since they value their own worthless lives more than her precious economy. Guess which political party Kim’s a member of?

Politico reports, “tens of millions of pounds of American-grown produce is rotting in fields as food banks across the country scramble to meet a massive surge in demand,” because the Republican commitment to moronic axioms like “government is the problem, not the solution,” means they can’t, or won’t, use the powers of government to help the American people even when government is the clear, best, or even ONLY FUCKING SOLUTION. This is Shitty Wonderland, my friends; Lewis Carroll has switched from opium to basement-lab meth. I would very much like to leave.

Above all else, the Trumpian mind is consumed at all hours by nagging resentments, leaving little room for stupid cuck shit like “doing your job as President of the United States.” That’s how you wind up with our own Adderall-Addled Assclown, shuffling around in the midst of the pandemic whose spread he enabled at every turn, unmoved by the massive list of vital, life-saving, tasks he’s still fucking neglecting all these weeks later, instead devoting his time to screeching into the void his longstanding grievances about journalists and their unjustly-won “Noble Prizes.”

Someday, some intrepid adventurer will risk their life attempting scale the colossal mountain of evidence that Tangerine Idi Amin knew about the dangers of the coronavirus weeks in advance of doing anything about it, opting instead to golf and lie while the little fucker spread throughout the populace. Now we’ve learned the intelligence community was screaming DO SOMETHING, YOU MALODOROUS SCATMOUND in the President’s Daily Brief as far back as January. But you see, the President doesn’t LIKE reading, and therefore 59,000 Americans (and counting) had to die. Again, his momentary displeasure > your life. We passed 1,000,000 officially documented cases yesterday, by the way.

Vice President Mike Pants took himself a little field trip to the Mayo Clinic, pointedly refusing to follow their requirement that everyone wear a mask, and if some enterprising viral beatniks happened to hitch a ride on Mikey Hairshirt back to his place of business, wouldn’t that just be a shame? Here we see the Veep valuing the approval of his Turd Emperor over his own health, or the health of the millions who (tragically, inexplicably) look to him as a role model during this outbreak. Mike was never too bright to begin with, and now his brain is just full-on broke.

And now Government Cheese Goebbels wants to tie coronavirus relief funding to immigration policy, his latest stab at blackmailing states into abandoning sanctuary city laws. You see here that the Trumpian mind is incapable of learning, returning to the corrupt quid pro quo well even after getting impeached for such behavior just a few short weeks ago.

(Oddly, there do not seem to be any such strings attached to the $96.1 million bailout his big donor buddy (a dude named Monty Bennett, I guess because “Beaufort Whitecastle” was taken) snuck through a loophole in the PPP fund intended to help small businesses.)

In conclusion, the Early 21st Century Trumpist Conservative Republican Mind is a dark and damaged thing, a diseased clump of misfiring neurons incapable of empathy, logic, or even simple math; it is, in short, the mind of a Giant Burning Asshole. I certainly hope none of y’all are locked up with one right now. Which brings us back to Saw. And with that, I sign off...stay safe out there, Shower Captives! 

You Know What They Say: A Bleach Enema a Day Keeps the COVID Away! (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Well, the shelter-in-place orders are getting extended, and human civilization is a rapidly-fading memory. But we can still gather ‘round a campfire digitally, dammit, and we don’t even need to wear masks! So pour yourself a tall, frosty, glass of bleach, and let’s look back on another week in Hell.

(Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to see this post, only WITH nifty news links? Why, click here: http://showercapblog.com/you-know-what-they-say-a-bleach-enema-a-day-keeps-the-covid-away/)

Like most folks, I spend very little time thinking about the mayors of cities where I don’t live. But after Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman's breakout media tour this week, I’m starting to wonder if I’m not missing out on some restaurant-quality lunacy. Like, maybe Cleveland is run by some flat-earther who only travels by unicycle? Did Fargo perhaps elect a semi-retired rodeo clown with a penchant for public nudity? Shit, for all I know, the Mayor of Topeka is a macaw that lives on Nutter Butters and Listerine. What’ve all you zany municipalities been holding out on us, huh?

But you’ve all got a lotta work to do if you wanna catch up to Goodman in terms of raw batshittiness. Offering the good citizens of Vegas up as a “control group,” she wants to turn the Strip into a COVID-19 playground, and if a few thousand people get sick and die, well ya gotta go sometime, right, but Carolyn will not be joining you in the petri dish, thanks for asking, she has a family, and that family matters, unlike all those sacrificial plebs. I feel like volunteering your constituents for potentially lethal experiments is unwise politically, but ultimately, I am simply a drunken goofball wearing a luchador mask, so feel free to ignore me.

While Hairplug Himmler’s haphazard coronavirus response has been filled with blunders and contradictions, one aspect has been depressingly constant: purging the government of qualified professionals with actual medical and scientific expertise. He threatened to fire a leading CDC official, blaming her public warnings for a stock market dip, because you can always pretend the Dow Jones is soaring when your head is firmly buried in the sand. And Dr. Rick Bright, the dude who was in charge of the federal agency working on the coronavirus vaccine, got shitcanned for the high crime of refusing to pimp Littlefinger’s bullshit hydroxychloroquine miracle cure. Oh well. I’m sure developing vaccines is super-easy work and pretty much anybody off the street could do Dr. Bright’s job. I hear Alex Cora is available.

Meanwhile, to replace all those stupid cuck doctors and scientists, Alex Azar hired a labradoodle breeder to head up the coronavirus task force. Now, at first glance, that probably seems like a joke, what with the delightful specificity of the word “labradoodle,” but no, this is real life, and here in the real world, the immunologists with years of experience are out, and the labradoodle breeders are in. Hope you weren’t planning on leaving the house any time soon, we’re gonna be here awhile. We are, dare I say it...labradoomed.

There are so few pleasures available to us in these godawful times, but watching Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s craven Republican enablers get flung under the bus for their obsequious attempts to please him is certainly at the top of the list. In the case of Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, they filled the bus up with elephants and cartoon anvils first, and then threw him under it. See, Kemp figured if he was the very first governor to reopen his state’s economy, his Turd Emperor would pat him on the head, maybe even let him sleep at the foot of the bed, in Lindsey Graham’s spot, for a night or two. Alas, there was no head pat, only a steam-powered taint punt, delivered live, in prime time. Maybe Brian can console himself with an I Got Hundreds of My Constituents Killed and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt kinda thing.

Most of this blog targets Republicans, and that’s because they fucking well deserve it, but in the interest of fairness, I think it’s important to call out Democrats when they falter. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that I draw your attention to the Lovecraftian horror that is Senator Mark Warner’s tuna melt recipe. Honestly, we need bipartisan investigations here. Dems, we MUST be better than this.

Mitch McConnell looked upon the economy that his party had created, with its shuttered storefronts and 26 million newly unemployed, and declared that it was good enough! He further proclaimed that he favored states going into bankruptcy over any further “blue state bailouts.” (And yes, he said this from the perch he’s earned from decades of leeching blue state cash for his old Kentucky home. Shame is dead, did you miss that meeting?) Andrew Cuomo responded by asking Yertle just where, precisely, on his wrinkly ol’ shell he would like his second asshole torn, though he did not wait for an answer before commencing said tearing.

Like the goober sitcom husband who buys his wife the power tool/talking fish plaque/dog butler statue that he himself wanted for her “birthday present,” Fat Q*Bert announced that U.S. military planes would conduct flyovers in as many as 30 cities, allegedly to show support for medical professionals, at the cost of more than $60,000 per hour, billed to all us chump taxpayers, of course. That money could pay for a whole lotta much-needed PPE, but PPE won’t fluff a demented old asshat’s ego, so y’know...hope you enjoy the window-rattling roar of jet engines while you risk your lives, health care workers!

Anyway, the big story is that basically every public figure, news organization, and household cleaning supplies manufacturer had to spend the day frantically shouting PLEASE DON’T DRINK BLEACH YOU WILL DIE because of something the President of the United States said on live television, in case anybody is interested in traveling back in time to 2016 to slap one of those “how bad can things possibly get?” types.

Yes, Dr. Dotard, still desperately searching for the medical equivalent of Daddy’s Money Bailing Him Out of Trouble, casually suggested that maybe mainlining Lysol, chugging Clorox, or shooting Tilex directly into your fucking eyeball will cure COVID-19 so everybody can get back to golfing and/or paying taxes so their grifter President can profit from golfing.

So here we are. It seems like only yesterday we were laughing at Sean Spicer’s sad little crowd size lies, and now President Jim Jones But Dumber stands at his bully pulpit and tells Americans to swallow poison. Since SWALLOWING POISON is a partisan issue now, I guess I’m prouder than ever to be a Democrat, but somebody should formally add that shit to the party platform, alongside distressingly-necessary entries like “Democracy is good” and “Nazis are not, in fact, very fine people.”

Shart Garfunkel further suggested ultraviolet light as another magical corona-b-gone solution, which is equally stupid, but at least a little less dangerous. I say that now, but I certainly won’t be surprised if a handful of “Florida man hospitalized with shattered UV bulb up his ass” stories popped up over the weekend.

The Candycorn Skidmark tried to lie his way out of YouShouldDrinkBleachGate by claiming he was simply playing a hilarious prank on the White House press corps, and no one even pretended to believe him. These are the consequences for lying about stupid shit like “Yo-Yo Ma called me up yesterday just to say he wishes he could play the cello as good as me,” you bloated twit.

Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller is passing the time in quarantine by phoning up his dirtbag white nationalist pals to fantasize about using the pandemic as an excuse to further increase immigration restrictions, and between this and the bleach thing, the Turdmaggot Administration’s commitment to whitening America cannot be doubted.

So, one of the biggest reasons we’re looking at a body count of 50,000 and rising, with no end in sight, is that the Marmalade Shartcannon blindly accepted, and indeed dutifully parroted the Chinese government’s lying propaganda, refusing to prepare while the COVID-19 tiptoed through America’s tulips from coast to fucking coast. And now it turns out, he owes TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS to the state-owned Bank of China? And the bill’s due in 2022? I’d say there should be laws against this sort of thing, but of course there already are, it’s just that the GOP is too gleefully corrupt to enforce them.

Hilariously, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus’ current general election strategy is to paint Smilin’ Joe Biden as...weak on China. Not sure Mr. “You’ll get your money, President Xi, anyway, what was it you wanted me to say on TV? I tried to write it down but I forgot, I’m basically illiterate” wants to pick that particular fight, but I am happy watch him try.

The Failing New York Times took a peek behind the curtain at the Shart House, offering us a little taste of the Lifestyles of the Dumb and Narcissistic in this age of coronavirus. Basically the Offal in the Oval is either bellowing his way through the Daily Propaganda Spew, or obsessively watching coverage of himself on television, which he then goes on to whine about at the next DPS, like a shitty, spray-tanned, ouroboros, choking on its too-long necktie.

There’s probably more, but my God, the weekend is so close I can fucking taste it. I need that weekend, folks. Need it. Neeeeeed it. Stay safe, and I’ll see y’all next week!

PS - The meme in tonight’s post is not one of my own making, which is my usual policy. Found it on the Tweetymachine, and I don’t know who to credit for it, but thanks, whoever you are, I owe you a beer!

Obviously Super-Healthy When Your Party Tells You "There Are More Important Things Than Living" (F)

So, on a scale of 1 to The Shining, how’re you handling your quarantine? I’m holding up reasonably well at the moment, but let’s just say I’m glad there are no axes in the house. All blog and no beer makes Cap a dull boy indeed. Anyhoo, let’s do the news, yeah?

(And yeah, this post is available, WITH nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/obviously-super-healthy-when-your-party-tells-you-there-are-more-important-things-than-living/)

Small astroturfed mobs of feral nitwits, egged on by the wealthiest yammering heads in the right-wing jagoffosphere, continued their over-publicized tantrum-throwing, whining about haircuts and free refills, because the only remaining conservative values are selfishness and self-pity. To Shart House economic advisor Stephen Moore, this flock of easily-manipulated rubes is basically a whole army of Rosa Parks, because he understands civil rights about as well as he does economics.

Somehow, defying the very laws of time and space, Tea Party 2.0 is even dumber than the original, having taken the plunge into full-on death cultism. “Fire Fauci” chants popped up at one protest because, as everyone knows, bad news magically disappears when you shoot the messenger. My only regret is that my commitment to social distancing will keep me from laughing my way through these assclowns’ funerals in person.

Y’know, if we make it through this shitshow, come summer 2022, movie theatres will be overflowing with action-thrillers portraying America’s governors-turned-smugglers, developing and executing intricate schemes to evade the Turdmaggot Administration’s seizure operations to deliver lifesaving PPE to their state’s hospitals. Can’t you see it now? Sylvester Stallone is...LARRY HOGAN.

President Sphinctermouth, in one of his more unhinged moments at the Daily Propaganda Spew, sneeringly referred to the FBI investigators who built the cases against his buddies, Pernicious Paul Manafort and Wretched Roger Stone, as “human scum,” owing to his sincere religious belief that felonies committed by rich white dudes shouldn’t count. Now, the GOP has abandoned any number of long-held “principles” for their new Turd Emperor, but watching their evolution from “tough on crime” to “tough on law enforcement” has been...somethin’. At the RNC, they’re gonna adopt a platform that’s just a paperback copy of The Turner Diaries with a Post-it note reading “All this, plus lower taxes on the wealthy.”

Another feature of the DPS is, of course, the sad, lazy, gaslighting. “Hey, we don’t have enough testing,” cry the nation’s governors. “Yes you do,” bellows President Crotchrot, attempting the shittiest Jedi mind trick ever. Helping the American people during a time of crisis, he insists, is the states’ responsibility, not his, begging the question JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING JOB IS, YOU BLOATED CRETIN?

Large companies, including hotel and restaurant chains, have been sucking up stimulus loans intended for small businesses, because in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, the law of Survival of the Corruptest reigns! Shit, even the Roman God of Medicare Fraud, aka Florida Senator Rick Scott is like, “C’mon you guys, we gotta ease our boots off the serfs’ necks a little bit, we still need ‘em to like, mow our lawns and buy stuff, y’know.”

I briefly toyed with the idea of rebranding my humble beer jar as the Make Cap an Oil Baron Fund, as oil prices plunged past zero and well into negative territory, just the latest extremely normal thing going down in these extremely normal times. Dunno ‘bout y’all, but I for one am really looking forward to bailing out yet another industry that will spend the rest of my lifetime overcharging me as much as it can possibly get away with.

Shiny New Designated Liar, er, “Press Secretary” Kayleigh McEnany threw an amusing little shitfit over a journalist showing insufficient deference to President Fungal Growth Inside a Clown’s Shoe, because there’s no better time and place to demand respect than from atop a mountain of corpses built by your own laziness and neglect. Gonna pass on bending that knee, Kayleigh, but I can see you’re gonna fit in just fine.

We learned that Mike Bloomberg blew more than a billion dollars on his hilariously inept presidential campaign. Mike. Bro. I just wanna let you know, I get what this thing was all about for you, and anytime you need someone to strap on some dominatrix gear topped off with an Elizabeth Warren mask and spank the crap out of you, I am available for the comparatively economical rate of $25 million per hour.

Brian Kemp, clearly jealous of states with larger outbreaks, (Mass Grave Envy is totally a thing, in Republican circles at least) decided to throw COVID-19 a big ol’ Welcome to Georgia party, reopening parts of the state’s economy on the gamble that the infectious disease experts are idiots, while the mulleted creeps waving confederate flags have had it right all along. Hey, it wasn’t so long ago when Kemp demonstrated his utter disdain for his constituents’ voting rights, so it shouldn’t really surprise anyone to learn he doesn’t value their lives.

Panicking as even the most thoroughly washed brains in Cult45 begin to wake up to the reality of tens of thousands of preventable deaths and an economy in tatters, Tangerine Idi Amin took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to reassure his faltering base that while he may be dangerously incompetent, he’s still hellaciously racist. “I’m...I’m gonna ban ALL immigration” he stammered, betting his reelection on the hope that there’ll be enough angry white people in the Rust Belt for whom “unwillingness to share the coming post-apocalyptic wasteland with brown-skinned folks” is a motivating issue.

Hey, remember hydroxychloroquine? The miracle get-out-of-a-pandemic-free drug Strawberry Shartcake and his craven enablers at Fux Nooz promised would deliver us all from COVID-19 based on Dotard’s First Law of We Really Really Want it To? Well, it turns out it doesn’t do shit, and in fact, in a recent study, the patients who got the stuff died at a higher rate than those who didn’t. Wow. A rare miss from the very stable genius pulling stuff out of his ass. Gosh, Trump University may just have to revoke his immunology doctorate now.

The Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report confirming that yuh huh, Russia sure did interfere in the 2016 election, a casual reminder that the blithering slug who’s gotten so many Americans killed was, oh yeah, installed by a hostile foreign power for the express purpose of fucking our shit up. Y’know, Vlad Putin may be a murderous, dissent-crushing, autocrat, but you’ve got to hand it to him, he’s one helluva bargain hunter. Maybe I’ll ask him to go antiquing some day when we can all leave our homes again.

And now Redactor General Billy Barr is threatening to sue individual states if he deems their stay-at-home orders to have gone “too far.” Well, we’re all trapped inside an Ayn Rand NyQuil dream now, motherfuckers, with the federal government trying to force the citizenry into the wood chipper even if they had the good sense to elect Democrats locally instead of the so-pro-corporate-as-to-be-anti-human alternative. Hey, this seems like a good spot to mention Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, who tells us “there are more important things than living” and he’ll get back to you about what those things are, just as soon as he checks in with his donors.

Anyhow, I’m gonna make the most of my time before they institute a draft to force us all to serve in the Amazon warehouses, where I’ll likely die packaging up boxed wine to ship to Judge Jeanine. Stay safe out there, and I’ll see y’all soon. 

Somebody Please LIBERATE AMERICA From This Corona-Spreading Clown (Ferret/Shower Cap)

I ran out of beer so I had to put on pants for a little while today, but otherwise my devolution into a non-civilized primate is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I figure I’ll keep blogging as long as I still have opposable thumbs, so here’s the news:

(Yup yup, you can get this post WITH news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/somebody-please-liberate-america-from-this-corona-spreading-clown/)

No sooner had I clicked the little “publish” button on Tuesday’s post than news broke of Donnie Two-Scoops delaying folks’ stimulus checks in order to have his creepy little name printed on ‘em. Of course, this endangers every single check, as God is likely to burn that shit off like a swastika on a crate in an Indiana Jones flick.

Whipped into a frenzy by fascist propagandists like Laura Ingraham and various InfoWars shitstains, a feral pack of rabid assclowns, the finest wad of mouth-breathing astroturfed dumbfuckery the DeVos family fortune could buy, descended on Lansing to protest Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s dastardly attempt to save their lives, raising intriguing ethical questions such as “Is it even desirable to protect those who are so selfish and stupid as to willingly expose themselves to highly contagious diseases,” and “When these morons get sick in a week or so, do we absolutely have to let them into our hospitals?”

Similar protests have now popped up in Ohio, Wisconsin, and probably elsewhere, I don’t actually give a fuck. Because three weeks of doing jigsaw puzzles and binging Better Call Saul to save hundreds of thousands of lives is TYRANNY, apparently. Tea Party/MAGA politics has never been anything but the shittiest white people imaginable operating on the belief that they have a constitutional right to never be inconvenienced by anything. 

In an administration filled with gaslighting liars, Kellyanne Conway stands out for the sheer laziness of her half-assed bullshittery. Like, remember the Bowling Green Massacre? Shit, Kellyanne, your boss tells six lies bigger than that to the leprechaun on his cereal box at breakfast. This “Why didn’t WHO deal with the first 18 COVIDs” crap makes the whole team look like they’re not committed to providing truly elite Orwellian misinformation. Put some pride into your work, woman! Anyway, who could forget COVID-2: Electric Boogaloo? COVID-4: Coronavirus in Space? I particularly enjoyed COVID-7 and the Deathly Hallows.

While all us serfs have been sheltering in place, lamenting the parties and concerts and trips we’ve cancelled in order to, y’know, save our fellow Americans’ lives, Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar snuck away for a little Passover vacation at Bedminster, because rules are for peasants. Reached for comment, Her Princessness beamed, “Daddy says we’re allowed in the Smithsonian and we can play with whatever we want but we can only take one thing home!”

We learned that former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder knew about the Flint water crisis well over a year before he claimed to have in sworn testimony to Congress, wow, and he seemed like such an honest fellow. With all this talk of insufficient supplies of PPE and ventilators, I really hope someone is keeping an eye on the NGS, or “National Gallows Stockpile,” because demand is about to skyrocket.

So, Tangerine Idi Amin went on the magical talking television box to rattle off a bunch of random industry leaders’ names, proclaiming them the Council to Pull My Ass Out of the Fire I Started, without even asking many of them first, because who cares about manners when you’re already getting tens of thousands of folks killed, right? Anyway, expect him to keep on convening new task forces until he finally finds one willing to tell him he’s doing great, the virus will go away on its own, go ahead and fire up that economy, Bucko! Heaven help us all.

Drs. Oz and Phil are absolutely flaunting their status as shameless quacks with dangerously large followings, relishing their ability to broadcast stupid, life-endangering shit from powerful platforms while all those dumb chump REAL doctors risk their lives in emergency rooms without sufficient PPE, the suckers. Oz says it’s time to open schools back up, since the ensuing avalanche of corpses probably won’t obstruct his driveway; he lives in a nice neighborhood, you see. Meanwhile Phil is belching up that tired old garbage comparing the outbreak to smoking and automotive deaths, which reminds me of that time I caught a car crash from a asymptomatic car crash carrier OH WAIT THAT NEVER HAPPENED DID IT, PHIL? Anyhoo, if you’re listening to these loons instead of actual experts, the science is inconclusive at this point, but it’s very possible that you deserve to catch COVID-19 and die.

Seems the Turdmaggot Administration awarded a $55 million contract to manufacture N95 masks to a bankrupt company with no mask-making experience, which is actually only their second-biggest obstacle, as they also have...no employees. Normally I’d complain about the appalling lack of oversight here, but I’m too busy working up my pitch for magic Corona-B-Gone pills, which will just be Flintstones vitamins in Ziplock baggies; I plan on offering them to Wilbur Ross for twenty million, but I’ll let him negotiate me down to twelve.

Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic, hack to an important government post, and right now I’m wondering how much time I’d have saved over these past three years if I’d set up a hotkey to paste “Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic hack to an important government post” into these blogs whenever I needed to, which is basically weekly. In this case, I’m taking about Michael Caputo, an old Mueller investigation witness and genuinely skeevy little freak, whose new gig seems to mostly involve keeping HHS Secretary Alex Azar from telling the American people too much truth about all the various ways their government is getting them killed. Really looking forward to paying this jagoff’s salary.

The Manchurian Manchild’s latest tantrum is a threat to shut down Congress so he can continue filling the government with spittle-drenched blockheads. Personally, I think he really just wants to sneak into the Senate chamber and rub his butt all over Chuck Schumer’s desk when nobody’s looking. Or maybe just leave a tack on Mitt Romney’s chair, in case Willard isn’t sufficiently chastised by the snub of being the only Republican Senator excluded from the latest Task Force to Accomplish Precisely Fuckall.

Surely no one better personifies the populism of the MAGA movement than Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag, who says all the filthy takers should be thankful for their $1,200 stimulus checks, which should sustain them for 10 weeks, so long as they don’t splurge on unnecessary luxuries like “shelter,” “clothing” or “ketchup to flavor their nightly bowl of dirt.” Meanwhile $1,200 wouldn’t even cover his odious wife’s weekly Goop vagina candle budget.

So, it seems that in early March, as the coronavirus was spreading unimpeded throughout the United States, the Adderall-Addled Assclown figured he had so much free time he’d start his very own radio show! This is on top of the golf, and the rallies, and the live-tweeting cable news for hours. A radio show. Two hours. Every day. Cuz he’s got nuthin’ better t’do. Not ramping up production of PPE. Not hiring back the pandemic experts he purged. Golfing and fantasizing about a radio show.

He abandoned the plan because “he did not want to compete with Rush Limbaugh.” Y’know, it’d be cool to have a President who cares as much about OUR FUCKING LIVES as he does Limbaugh’s ratings. We gotta remember to ask Joe Biden where he comes down on this crucial issue.

There’s a lot going on these days, but you were probably worried about the low mercury content of the air in the shitstorm pummeling you from all angles, right? Well worry no more, because the Die Plebs Die Administration just scored another massive win for liberty, in this particular case the liberty of coal plants to poison you! America’s gonna be great again any minute now, I can feel it!

Continuing Operation: Get Away With Whatever We Fucking Can While the News Focuses on the Pandemic, the Shart Administration gave a no-bid, well-above-market contract to some big Republican donors, because obviously the best conceivable use for half a billion dollars right now is 17 more miles of the Big Dumb Wall That Gets Sawed Through Eighteen Times Per Month So I Guess It Doesn’t Even Fucking Work.

And the Dopey Dotard With Diminutive Digits somehow manages to keep on finding new ways to fuck shit up. It’s amazing. Like, it never occurs to him to actually DO anything to fix any of the problems we’re facing. “Oh, we can’t reopen the country until there’s widespread testing? Golly, I guess that means I should get to work procuring the millions and millions of tests we’ll need!” Nope, he skips straight to buck-passing and blame-throwing. “WHY AREN’T THE STUPID LAZY GOVERNORS DOING MY JOB FOR ME?!?” he shrieks, perched atop an almost impossibly full diaper.

So now he’s bellowing, LIBERATE MICHIGAN! LIBERATE MINNESOTA! LIBERATE NARNIA probably, encouraging further anti-distancing protests, because his grasp of electoral politics is so keen he wants his most fervent supporters to engage in the very behaviors that are most likely to kill them. Maybe he can resume his rallies inside active volcanos, or perhaps even the void of space.

Hey, you remember that list of states with Republican governors who refused to issue stay-at-home orders, because they figured the virus would respect their superior commitment to freedumb? Well it happens, coincidentally I’m sure, to match a list of states that’re suddenly seeing massive spikes in their number of coronavirus cases! Golly, I wonder how that happened. It’s destined to be one of humanity’s great unsolved mysteries, I’m sure.

Ron DeSantis, unhappy with his state’s already-horrifying COVID-19 numbers, allowed Florida’s beaches to reopen, because he is a stupid, stupid, stupid man. Florida, I don’t know what to tell ya. He looked this dumb on the campaign trail, so you don’t get to act all surprised.

Now we learn that the small business loans from the coronavirus stimulus bill have been going to big corporations and red states, because you can’t take your eyes off Republicans for one fucking minute, can you? I once asked Marco Rubio to catsit while I was out of town; when I got back, he’d given my record collection to the Koch brothers, who I’m told don’t even like Meat Loaf. They just can’t help themselves.

...but hopefully we’ll get at least more weekend before they kill us all. I wouldn’t want the beer to go to waste. If we’re still here, I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe! 

You'll Have to Pry the Post Office From Our Cold Dead Hands, You Fucks (Ferret/Shower Cap)

You may be trapped inside your home, but you know you can’t escape the madness. No, it’s all around you, it’s been renewed for three more seasons on Netflix, it’s pissing in your last container of Lysol wipes, it’s arriving on your very doorstep right this minute via no-contact delivery. Don’t believe me? Read on...

(You best believe this post is available, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/youll-have-to-pry-the-post-office-from-our-cold-dead-hands-you-fucks/)

The Failing New York Times succeeded in thoroughly documenting Hairplug Himmler’s lost weeks of criminal failure and insidious obfuscation as the coronavirus spread from coast to coast, and I don’t know how even the most sycophantic Senate stooge (lookin’ at YOU, Lindsey) can read that shit without whimsically wondering about the world that might have been if they’d only removed the overmatched crotchwart when they had the chance. It’s deeply insane, that we’re still allowing this malicious clod to run shit after fucking up so badly; he’s certainly not done getting Americans killed with his malfeasance. There’s an escape hatch, but Mitch Fucking McConnell hold the keys, so sorry folks, the dying will continue until the approval rating improves.

Because they are as sinister as they are incompetent, Republicans gazed out at the ever-growing mound of bodies they’d built with their negligence, and thought not, “Holy fucking shit, we are monsters who should never show our faces in public again,” but “Say, this seems like a fantastic opportunity to drown the US Postal Service in a bathtub full of the hand sanitizer we’re withholding from blue state hospitals.” So now we have still another battle to fight, because this white supremacist hate cult figures putting an additional half million folks out of work is a small price to pay to keep Americans from voting safely, from home, by mail. There’s gotta be some fine print we haven’t seen on that “pro-life” thing, y’know?

Shit wasn’t awful enough with the pandemic punching you in one kidney while the economy kicks you in the other, well, meet MAGA Mengele! Yes, Robin Armstrong, a well-connected Texas Republigoon, figured a nursing home full of COVID-19 patients was the perfect playground to test out Doctor Dotard’s miracle elixir, hydroxychloroquine. And hey, if some his lab rats, excuse me, “patients” are suffering from dementia and can’t consent to being experimented on, honestly, what’s one stray grandma more or less, anyway?

By the way, if you’re wonderin’ why Peter Navarro is walking funny this week, it’s because he went on 60 Minutes to try a little Diet Trump Now With Splenda attack on the media, and the show’s producers shoved a fat stack of receipts straight up his weaselly autocrat ass. Poor Pete, and it’s tough to find Preparation H in the Shart House, the bossman positively guzzles the stuff.

The lamestream librul media is always going on and on about gun control, because of their mistaken belief that the Constitution values children’s lives more than Uncle Dumbfuck’s "right" to collect semi-automatic murder machines in order to compensate for his micropenis, but we just saw the first March since 2002 without a single school shooting, and we didn’t take away a single gun, NO, all we had to do was shut down every school in the country, CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS.

Some withered hate raisin called Bill Bennett became the latest creep to slither out onto Fux Nooz to parrot the ol’ “COVID-19 is just a flu that got uppity” horseshit, and to his credit, at least he didn’t trip over any corpses while the camera was on. This dope was actually Secretary of Education under that one fellow who used to make monkey movies, and following that line on down to Betsy DeVos, let’s just say I’m beginning to doubt the conservative commitment to learning.

Everyone enjoyed a good, sturdy, belly laugh when we saw the flock of buttholes Strawberry Shartcake hand-selected for his Council to Reopen Murica. Secretary Mnuchbag? Fugitive Gringotts Embezzler Wilbur Ross? Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar? It’s like the kids who got held back a year at Arkham Asylum. Yeah, everybody chuckled...until we remembered these clowns actually get to make decisions that affect our very lives. Hah hah...hee...ho...fuck.

Well, the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor took to Twitter to declare himself King of All the Governors, and insist that he can overrule their coronavirus orders, which is about as true as the “weight” line on a physical written up by Dr. Ronny Jackson. I’m starting to wonder if, among his other psychological defects, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops doesn’t also possess a pathological addiction to humiliating public defeats. Not exactly an ideal leadership trait, but it would explain some shit.

Yes, Sharty McFly is gettin’ itchy to reopen the economy (bless his heart, he imagines we’ll forgive and forget the whole “caused the deaths of tens of thousands” thing) even if he has to go door to door and push us all back out into the hot zone, excuse me, the “workforce” himself, with his own tiny, inadequate, little hands. Sorry dotard, the economy isn’t like that high-tech sex doll you had made to look like Ivanka; it doesn’t obey your every command.

Even by the batshit carny standards of the Daily Propaganda Spew, Monday night’s “press briefing” was...wow. It was like the movie BIG, only the kid was the shittiest third grade playground bully in the world, and instead of having heartwarming adventures at FAO Schwartz, he ate half a pound of Adderall and crashed the economy.

Seems all of this reporting on Littlefinger’s calamitous mismanagement has gotten under that paper-thin skin of his and he felt the appropriate way to handle things was to hijack the prime time airwaves to air a (ridiculous) campaign video, and then shit his pants on national television for something like six hours.

The Pusillanimous Pussygrabber petulantly proclaimed his presidential power to be...”absolute,”* and then when a reporter went “LOL, that’s not true, but please explain to the folks at home just why you think so, dumbass,” he started gettin’ all pissy. When a female reporter confronted him on his cavalcade of corona cockups, he melted down like a butter sculpture of Jabba the Hutt. Y’know, if someone had told him up front that being President would involve taking questions from lady reporters, many of whom would even be non-white lady reporters, we probably would’ve been spared this whole shitshow.

(If you really wanna find out how combustible that spray-on tan lotion is, somebody should ask him to explain just how he “inherited” faulty tests for a virus that DIDN’T FUCKING EXIST UNTIL 2019. He’s like a child who breaks mom’s favorite vase, and tries to blame it on the dog that died five years ago.)

But yeah, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s theory of his office seems to be, as the Genie from Aladdin might put it, PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER over stupid governors, itty bitty responsibility to actually help anyone anywhere with anything. Donald Trump is essentially Reverse Spider-Man.

Hilariously, Fat Q*bert seems hellbent on heading into November doing battle with a small of army of defiant governors, heroically protecting their citizens from a deranged narcissist seeking to force millions to risk their lives for the sake of his own political future. Mama Trump didn’t raise no honor students, I suppose.

Indiana Congressghoul Trey Hollingsworth is certainly in his Turd Emperor’s corner on this issue, insisting that a nationwide surge in preventable deaths would be “the lesser of two evils” when compared with the suffering of the poor, put-upon, Republican donor class. I wonder if Trey has noticed that his constituents aren’t corporations, but actual people. And then I also wonder if Trey’s constituents have noticed how cheaply he values their lives. Anyway, get busy dyin’, you worthless serfs!

It wasn’t so long ago when Trumpist Republican Governor Kristi L. Noem smugly proclaimed that her state didn’t need no stupid cuck “social distancing” or “shelter in place orders” because “South Dakota is not New York City,” only it turned out South Dakota was totally New York City, in that it was a place where coronavirus would happily take of advantage of any idiots willing to help it spread. And so she’s now the proud chief executive of a state with one of the most disastrous COVID-19 outbreaks in the nation, one which has shut down one of our largest pork-processing plants, threatening the entire country’s food supply. I’m starting to think “We’re not the idiots who got a bunch of people killed” is going to be a potent bit of political messaging for Dems this fall.

Speaking of chiclet-brained GOP governors, Ron DeSantis keeps popping up on this page so much I’m worried he’s gonna start charging me royalty fees. In his quest to prove himself the Floridaest Man of All, Ron-Ron proclaimed World Wrestling Entertainment, oh-so-coincidentally owned by major Trump donors the McMahon family, an “essential business,” even as the victims of his murderously bungled coronavirus response discover that they don’t count as “essential humans” to their nitwit governor. Perhaps DeSantis will run for reelection as the Man Who Body-Slammed Common Sense.

Wisconsin Republicans, aided by the Roberts Court, had been having a grand old time, whacking away at the piñata of voting of rights, but when they finally busted it open, it was full of week-old Guernsey shit that doused the lot of them. Yes, the plot to ride a wave of coronavirus-fearing voter suppression backfired, as liberal Jill Karofsky vanquished a Scott-Walker-appointed incumbent with a margin that filled many a diaper on Weehands McNodick’s reelection team. It’s not just an enormous victory, it’s a preview of coming attractions, you evil fucks.

And yeah, turns out the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor doesn’t understand the classic film, Mutiny on the Bounty. Gable version OR Brando version. Doddering old nincompoop doesn’t get pants, neckties, steaks, or umbrellas, asking him to interpret cinema is like asking an avocado what it thinks of the Taj Mahal.

Anyway, at Tuesday’s DPS**, Shart Garfunkel announced he was defunding the World Health Organization (yes, during a global outbreak) and then read the names of a bunch of companies. So yeah, he’s still crazy, and we’re still trapped here with him, in Hell. Oh well. The beer truck still shows up.

But enough bad news, who needs that shit? We have got ourselves a UNIFIED DEMOCRATIC PARTY, and it’s only April, muthafuckaaaaas! We got Joe. We got Bernie. We got the big gun, Barack Obama, makin’ that slow walk from the bullpen. The dustbin of history is waiting juuuuuust around the corner for all the crooked bastards squatting in our house. Get the damn broom.

Ok Shower Captives, that’s all I’ve got tonight, except for a burning desire to disappear for a few hours into pretentious movies and a six-back of Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’. Stay safe out there, see y’all soon.

*Stupid B. I was on a roll.

**Daily Propaganda Spew, remember? 

Another Week in Hell, Another Never-Ending Parade of Buttholes (Ferret/Shower Cap)

So, I have an imaginary friend now. I call her Quarantina and we talk all day and I’m jealous because she lives in a swing state so her vote would count if she were real and no I don’t think my mental health has been affected by weeks of isolation but the news sure isn’t helping...as you will soon see:

(As always, click here t’see this post WITH those nifty news links: http://showercapblog.com/another-week-in-hell-another-never-ending-parade-of-buttholes/)

Congrats to Celebrity Drunk Driver Stephanie Grisham, who managed to run out her entire tenure as Shart House press secretary without ever once holding a press briefing, i.e. doing her fucking job. Y’know, as long as you don’t draw attention to yourself with taxpayer-funded lotion runs and soundproof wank booths, the Trump Administration offers virtually limitless opportunities to the enterprising young grifter.

Grisham’s replacement is the odious Kayleigh McEnany, recently seen snarling the mendacious party line on Fux Biznuss, triumphantly celebrating her Turd Emperor’s successful repulsion of the coronavirus, in contrast to that “awful” Obama. Heh. Kayleigh may’ve been a wee bit premature in her victory lap. It’s nice of these dolts to bring in their newest spokesgoon with her credibility pre-shredded...saves time.

In addition to losing his job as Acting Secretary of the Navy, Thomas Modly’s forthcoming book, “How to Read the Fucking Room” has been cancelled by the publisher, following his decision to not only remove Captain Brett Crozier from command for trying to protect his crew from a coronavirus outbreak, but to taunt said crew in the aftermath, yukking it up about how “stupid” Crozier was for trying to save all their worthless, insignificant, lives. Side note: raise your hand if you were surprised to see one of these malicious idiots actually get fired when they deserved to for a change.

With the Wisconsin GOP teaming up with Roberts Court to repurpose COVID-19 as the ultimate voter suppression tool, the battle over the right to vote safely, by mail, during a pandemic is on. While it is, of course, common fucking sense to utilize a system that’s already been tested and proven to be safe and secure, when your “party” is a white supremacist hate cult representing an ever-shrinking minority and reliant on every dirty trick in the book to cling to power, the will of the people is the last thing you want heard.

Needless to say, no one is more terrified of the voting public than Government Cheese Goebbels himself, feebly belching up old lies about voter fraud (disbanded KKKobach KKKommision, anyone?). I have to admit, the “voting by mail is the worst of all possible things why yes I myself voted by mail” bit was a perfect Shitty Orwell Theatre moment, and truly, there cannot be a single non-moron anywhere on Earth who believes one word that dribbles out of this addled old turdlump’s mouth by now.

The Candycorn Skidmark might not have anything resembling a plan to beat COVID-19 or rescue the faltering economy, but give credit where it’s due: he has scapegoats and backup scapegoats and even backup backup scapegoats. Obviously China tops the list, and Barack Obama remains an old, comfortable favorite, the fried-chicken-and-mashed-potatoes of passing the buck. But don’t sleep on the World Health Organization, which he’s now threatening to defund, yes during a global outbreak, I guess because he’s worried America has too many allies.

And with his novel “what, you don’t think it’s the federal government’s job to actually DO anything during a pandemic, do ya?” approach to leadership, Weehands McNodick has fifty separate state governors to dump blame upon, and considering the body count he’s racking up with his malicious incompetence, he’ll need each and every one.

Jerry Falwell Jr. took responsibility for his reckless decision to reopen Liberty University in the middle of the coronavirus outbreak (which led to a number of students getting sick, because FUCKING OF COURSE IT DID), in an act of Christlike penitence, JUST KIDDING he’s pressing charges against the reporters who brought the world’s attention to his poo-brained carelessness. I’m not sure which part of this Jesus would love more, the idiotic endangering of folks’ lives, or the fascistic attack on the free press?

So, the Treasonweasel Administration actually had to be talked out of withdrawing federal support for coronavirus testing sites. You’re probably screaming at your screen right now, “But Cap, that’s like needing to be told to wear a coat before stepping outside for a smoke...in Antarctica!” Yes. Yes it is. And that is how dumb our current government officials are. Honestly, it’s a fucking miracle they’re not launching missile strikes at hospitals.

Now, the Pusillanimous Pussy-Grabber thought he’d figured this whole “deadly global outbreak” thing out; it wasn’t a tragic calamity that would cost tens of thousands of lives, it was a gift from whatever loathsome fecal gods sent him in the first place, a never-ending fountain of unearned media, an excuse to commandeer the prime time airwaves for his campaign, and heck, conveniently cutting in on his rival’s televised appearances was just gravy.

But the networks got wise to scheme, and also perhaps felt a pang of conscience over spreading the Marmalade Shartcannon’s self-aggrandizing misinformation, which is getting people killed, and thus many have stopped carrying the Daily Propaganda Spew live, opting instead to air lowlights and fact checks afterwards. And so Mike Pants, shitty little fascist weasel that he is, blocked top government health officials from appearing on CNN, in a thuggish attempt to blackmail them into once again broadcasting every lie and grievance. CNN told the Vice President precisely where he could stick his threat, and Mikey Hairshirt whined, “Only mother is allowed to do that,” and relented, good for CNN.

Well, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus understands they’re facing an uphill battle, asking Americans to vote for the negligent idiot sociopath who got tens of thousands of them killed and took a fat, sloppy, dump right in the middle of the economy, so they’ve decided to dance with what brung ‘em: naked, unapologetic, racism! But roving Hispanic gangs and terrorist Muslim infiltrators are SO 2016; the new boogeyman for a new election season is...the Chinese!

And therefore, their sad, filthy, plan is to define Smilin’ Joe Biden early as...someone who has been nice to Chinese people, the bastard! Just to sprinkle a little extra bigotry on their morning bowl of hate flakes, these rageclowns even included footage of Biden alongside former Washington Governor Gary Locke, who is Chinese-American, but I suppose when your goal is stoking racist hate, with maybe a little stochastic terrorism thrown in for flavor, such details seem insignificant.

Redactor General Billy Barr has faded into the background somewhat in recent weeks, but don’t worry, he’s still committed to hollowing out the federal government from within on behalf of his farthuffing fascist boss, parroting old lies about the roots of the Russia investigation, and celebrating the recent purge of the intelligence community inspector general, with his stupid “adherence to the rule of law” and “love of country” and whatnot. I hope Biden’s AG doesn’t, y’know, despise the United States like this current guy.

Smarter folks than I pointed out that the extreme social distancing measures necessary to contain the coronavirus should, if they worked, look in hindsight like overreaction. And then even smarter folks pointed out that Republicans would loudly bray that we had overreacted, and that the real victims weren’t the human beings buried in mass graves, but the diminished bank accounts of the GOP donor class.

And yuuuuuuup that’s right where we are, folks. 18,000+ deaths on the books, with tens of thousands yet to come, and the Hannitys and Ingrahams and their dirtbag paymasters are already popping every vein in their foreheads in their impatience to “reopen the economy” (while they themselves continue to isolate in their multi-million dollar homes, of course).

Yes, the demonic yapping heads in the right-wing jagosphere have deployed all kindsa nasty little talking points in their quest to shove the serf class back out into the workplace, like so many canaries in a disease-ridden coal mine. “Hell,” oozed Bill O’Reilly, “It’s mostly just the olds dying anyway! THINK OF THE MONEY WE’LL SAVE ON SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS!” Another hawt take is that we’re over-counting coronavirus deaths (in fact, the opposite is likely true), and that it shouldn’t “count” if the victims had any other conditions, because surely that nurse with asthma only died to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot look bad. REOPEN THE PUBLIC SNOT WRESTlNG PITS ALREADY!

And Ron DeSantis, forever seeking to out-stupid the Ron DeSantis of the preceding day*, figured if he lied and said that nobody under 25 had died from COVID-19, no one in Florida would fact-check his bullshit, and he could reopen the schools. Not exactly Moriarty is our Ron-Ron.

Look, I know these are worrying times, but we can rest easy knowing we’re in good (if tiny and inadequate) hands. Why, just today, the Sunny D-Bag demonstrated his keen, incisive, scientific mind, explaining to the overwhelmed laymen of the assembled White House press corp that the wily virus had adapted beyond antibiotics’ ability to combat it. That antibiotics are totally useless in fighting viruses is WHY DON’T YOU SHUT UP, NERD?!?! (Shuffles away, muttering something about “fake news”)

But hey, I say we should focus on the good news for a minute, like when Ralph Northam signed five shiny new gun control bills into law, and even had the good sense to resist moonwalking afterwards. I think I may survive this whole damn quarantine just on the NRA’s tears, honestly.

Ok, that should be enough madness to tide you over through the weekend. If not...what the fuck is wrong with you? Stay safe out there Resisters...see y'all soon.

*No easy task, that. 

Still No COVID-19, But I Do Have One Nasty Case of the Mondays (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hey there! Congratulations on surviving! Living through another week in an America under siege from both the coronavirus and Donald Trump’s boneheaded, homicidal, mismanagement is like fire-walking across the mouth of an erupting volcano while ogres throw hammers and badgers at you. So, nice job! Let’s do the news, badger-dodgers!

(And yeah, if you want the post WITH those nifty news links, click over to: http://showercapblog.com/still-no-covid-19-but-i-do-have-one-nasty-case-of-the-mondays/)

Most of us are pretty unhappy with this whole COVID-19 thing, but to the can-we-please-start-wearing-the-armbands-in-public-now wannabe autocrats of the Wisconsin state GOP, it’s their wettest dream come true. Why, voter suppression is easy when you’ve got a global pandemic lending a helping hand! Robin Vos and his gang of anti-democratic thugs have gone to court to demand Tuesday’s election take place in the midst of the outbreak, with no extended voting by mail. Oh, and because they want to have their cake and eat it too and also have your cake and your neighbor’s cake and honestly all the cake plus most of the pie and even your grandma’s cornbread muffins that she made specially for you during the quarantine, they’ve worked out a nifty little trick where they insist on in-person voting, but use public safety as an excuse to reduce the number of polling places in Dem stronghold Milwaukee from 180...to FIVE. There’s a state Supreme Court seat at stake, y’see, and opportunities to mass-disenfranchise all those, ahem, “urban” voters don’t come along just every day.

...if you haven’t yet picked up on the fact that Republicans care more about their power than your life, I suggest you re-take Common Fucking Sense 101, or at the very least pull your head out of your ass.

Once again, we’ve been so caught up in the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s deadly incompetence that he managed to sneak up on us with his power-crazed authoritarianism, firing intelligence community inspector general Michael K. Atkinson late Friday night, hoping nobody would notice. Seems Shitface McFulldiaper “lost confidence” in the dude who passed the whistleblower report on his Ukrainian extortion conspiracy to Congress, imagine that. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but whoever drafted the law granting the crook the right to fire the cops investigating him really shoulda gone over that shit one more time.

And the stoogification of the federal government proceeded on other fronts as well, with Fat Q*Bert choosing one of his very own Shart House lawyers to oversee the $500 billion corporate bailout from the stimulus bill, I guess because Michael Cohen couldn’t work it into his busy schedule as assistant shift manager in the prison laundromat. I’d say Donnie Dotard is multi-tasking in assaulting the pillars of American democracy while dealing with a massive public health crisis, only he really isn’t doing that second one, is he?

Word is, the propaganda-belching ghouls at Fux Nooz are worried they’re about to get sued into oblivion, on account of how this time, their malicious misinformation has an extremely perceptible body count. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, but I will permit myself a stray fantasy here and there, of the vampiric Murdoch clan, forced into labor to pay off their debts, ideally by serving as janitorial staff in hospitals overwhelmed with COVID-19 patients. Sans PPE, of course.

And the Manchurian Manchild keeps on recklessly pimping hydroxychloroquine as a miracle drug, because after a lifetime of throwing Daddy’s money at every problem he’s ever faced, the doddering old poosquirt is simply incapable of processing the fact that a pandemic isn’t going to magically disappear just because he misses golfing. “What have you got to lose?” he bellows, because he hasn’t bothered to learn that potential side effects include death, and wouldn’t care if he knew. I guess at this point, he’s either gonna get away with killing tens of thousands of us or not, so what’s another pile of corpses more or less, right?

Shit, even Rudy Giuliani has emerged from whatever pit rotten-mouthed cousin-fuckers quarantine in to hock this crap. Meanwhile, our beloved Dr. Fauci has to fend off a perpetually-beclowned turdwaffle like Peter “Remember the trade war, aka the multi-billion-dollar crotch-punt to the economy? That was me!” Navarro in the fight over, once again, encouraging people to ingest a totally untested drug, maybe they’ll die but maybe they’ll get superpowers, did you ever think of that, Anthony? I mean, on the one hand, you have the expert opinion of the nation’s leading authority on infectious diseases, backed up by basically the entire medical profession, but on the other, you’ve got a well-known twit who’s done nothing but fail in his chosen field, irresponsibly speculating on life-or-death issues he knows not one fucking thing about, insisting he’s right because he really, really, really, really, wants to be. Ah, but which one is telling Hairplug Himmler what he wants to hear?

So, as bad as shit has been, we’re told it’s this week when shit is gonna get really bad. In the calm before the storm, a number of articles were published over the weekend documenting the Fucking Hell How Did it Come to This Administration’s cavalcade of fatal fuckups, a tragic litany of mistakes currently being translated into a heartbreaking butcher’s bill. Naturally, they’re pouring much more energy into covering up their blunders than correcting them, but don’t let these rat bastards rewrite history; remember what they did. And what they didn’t do.

Anyone wondering how the old saying, “no good deed goes unpunished” came into being should bring a care package to Captain Brett Crozier, since he’s sitting in quarantine with COVID-19 after getting fired for trying to save his sailors’ lives, for which the Trump lackey Acting Navy Secretary lambasted him as “stupid.” Crozier should take lessons on leadership from the pros, y’know? You don’t fight a pandemic, you sweep it under the rug! You don’t take steps to save the lives in your charge, you deny there’s any problem at all, and congratulate yourself on your splendiferousness! They don’t give Nobel prizes out for saving lives, y’know!

...wait.

While the lamestream media bashes him for his criminal, murderous, blundering, the truth is, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has actually set things up perfectly to optimize success...assuming you’re a profiteer sitting on a fat pile of N95 masks or ventilators. Everybody else is pretty well fucked, though. It’s not enough that he’s abdicated all responsibility to coordinate efforts at the federal level, essentially tossing all 50 states into the gladiatorial arena to fight it out, no, sometimes the feds even swoop in to outbid an individual state after a deal has been struck, no doubt earmarking the entire shipment for the massive bailout Shart-Shart’s boy, Ron DeSantis, is gonna need after turning Florida into a corona playground.

I see Boris “Lookit me, I’m rubbing coronavirus all over my dipshit body” Johnson has been hospitalized due to coronavirus symptoms. I’ll try to find some sympathy for you, Boris, but I’m afraid you’ll have to get in line behind all the people you got killed with your idiotic “herd immunity” plan. Johnson went into the ICU as I was writing this, yet remains firmly at the back of my sympathy line.

So I guess we’re passing COVID-19 on to tigers in zoos now? Holy shitballs, humanity can’t do one fucking thing right. Like, the fallback plan here was to die out and leave the world to the cats, right? Leave the Constitution, along with some recently developed suggested edits, in a case with a bunch of catnip mousies, so they can give democracy another try, once they’ve evolved enough to read n’ have debates about governance n’ shit?

Hey look, it seems Georgia has not one, but TWO grifting scumfuck Senators, as David Perdue joined Kelly Loeffler in using his privileged access to the U.S. government’s coronavirus intelligence to line his own pockets while doing not one single fucking thing to prepare his constituents for what was coming. Both of these conniving dirtbags are up for re-election this November, so Georgia, you might want to, I dunno, vote for someone who actually gives a fuck whether you live or die. Just a thought.

And President Overused Rectal Thermometer keeps on staging his Daily Propaganda Spew, gambling that there’s electoral benefit in tens of millions worth of earned media featuring a demented idiot lying and passing the buck and whining and whining and whining and whining. Also, whining. Dunno what to tell you folks, if you look at this sad, broken, overmatched, old fool and see a president, well, I imagine your life is liberally littered with other fruits of your judgment.

Little light tonight, but I’m booked up all day tomorrow with thrilling quarantine activities (the wallpaper in the living room has started to peel, and I don’t want to miss anything good), so I wanted to catch y’all up real quick. Stay safe. Stay inside. Wash your damn hands.

PS - Oh, now the Roberts Court upheld the Wisco voter suppression plot? Cool. If anybody needs me, I’ll be projectile vomiting. In a socially distant way, of course. Goddammit.

I Regret to Inform You That Jared Kushner is Now in Charge of This Blog (Ferret/Shower Cap)

Hello! I’m television’s Jared Kushner, and my Daddy-in-Law nationalized this blog and gave it to me to run! Now, I know you fans of Bath Captain enjoy your humor, so I’ve decided to outsource tonight’s post to my close, personal, friend...CARROT TOP! I sure hope prop comedy translates to prose!

(And you best believe you can find this post, with all those nifty news links you love, here: http://showercapblog.com/i-regret-to-inform-you-that-jared-kushner-is-now-in-charge-of-this-blog/)

Just kidding, folks, I would never do that to you. The President of the United States, however, has seen fit to expand Kushner’s portfolio as Secretary of Pouring Gasoline on Fires to include overseeing the tragic clusterfuck they’re laughably referring to as the federal coronavirus response. While young Jar-Jar has failed to solve the opioid crisis or bring peace to the Middle East, he has recently, at long last, graduated to pull-up diapers, so Littlefinger felt he deserved a promotion. Distressingly, there haven’t yet been 25 books written about the coronavirus, so Kid Nepotism will be unable to bring the full force of his intellect down upon the disease, but hey, I bet he totally tricked it into leaving us alone with his drive-thru-MBA-speak the other day.

With the federal medical supply stockpile rapidly dwindling, the Crown Prince of Failing Upwards decided to redefine said stockpile as the Trump family’s personal playpen, with goodies to be dispensed according to whim and asskissery. The creepy little freak even doctored the official website after the fact to reflect his lie/mistake, because cut-rate Orwell is just how this administrations rolls, muthafuckas.

Senator Kelly Loeffler may not be much when it comes to serving the people of Georgia, but when serving herself, she’s Daniel Goddamn Webster. She certainly kept busy while leaving all us chump plebs to die, making a number of savvy investment moves based on the coronavirus briefings she shared not with her constituents, but with her stockbroker. See, she dumped retail and travel stock just before the economy shut down, and snatched up shares of medical suppliers like Beanie Babies, back when Beanie Babies were a thing. Anyway, I’m sure we’ll all be surprised when the Loeffler family turns out to just happen to own the emergency morgue trucks called into service near overburdened hospitals.

With more than 9 million people newly out of work, and, with health insurance so frequently tied to employment, the corresponding surge in the uninsured, Government Cheese Goebbels refused to re-open the Obamacare exchanges, because he’d rather let millions of us die than allow a program bearing his predecessor’s name to save suffering Americans’ lives. Also, Putin told him not to.

Speaking of Vlad, I’m certainly thankful for the help, but the sight of a military plane from a fifth-rate ex-superpower like Russia touching down on American soil to deliver medical supplies, like we’re some backwoods shithole country, because Generalissimo Germophobe bungled away weeks of precious time coddling his approval ratings, was enough to turn a bald eagle red with shame. The equipment even came from a sanctioned Russian company, just to remind everyone who’s boss.

Out in L.A., some crotchsniffing nutjob, in the thrall of as yet undisclosed conspiracy theories, crashed a freight train in an attempt to run into a Navy hospital ship. I dunno, I get that everybody’s on edge these days, but I feel like I’d need some real concrete proof of some real nasty shit before I CRASHED A TRAIN INTO A HOSPITAL SHIP. A full confession. Notarized. God only knows what bat-guano-encrusted internet rabbit hole this loon fell down, but I guess from now we all need to demand to see the pilot/engineer/driver’s search history before boarding any mode of public transportation.

The artifact-smuggling rectal boils who run Hobby Lobby have decided that what Jesus would do during a pandemic is tell the law to lick his holy butthole, endanger his employees and the public generally, and reopen his chain of chintzy craft supply stores in defiance of shelter-in-place orders. These demonic shitbags actually had the gall to claim God swung by for a quick vision to tell them he was totally down with their employees risking their lives to sell glitter and yarn. As delusions go, it must be awfully nice to convince yourself that the voice in your head telling you to fuck everyone around you over for personal profit is God’s.

Sultan Spraytan tried to spice up the Daily Propaganda Spew with some gobbledygook about drugs cartels, hoping to squeeze some non-coronavirus headlines out of his captive audience, oh that tricky dotard. It’s fucking adorable that this clown imagines he can distract us from his failings. WE’RE TRAPPED INSIDE OUR HOMES, NUMBNUTS! We have HOURS every single day to ruminate on all the ways you’ve fucked up our lives and our country. You could dance for the cameras in pasties and a g-string* and we still wouldn’t forget any of the shit you’ve broken.

Dr. Anthony Fauci has emerged as America’s Unlikely Sweetheart, a beacon of truth in a sea of warm liquid bullshit...at least to the segments of the populace who still value stupid cuck stuff like “science” and “facts.” To the lunatic, QAnon, crash-trains-into-hospital-ships crowd, however, he is just one more deep state heretic working to undermine the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, and thus he now requires his own security detail, to keep the mouth-breathing maniacs from murdering him. Obviously, it’s a super-healthy society we’ve got here, where the deceitful buffoons racking up horrendous body counts with their lies get a pass, and the one dude who actually wants to save lives gets death threats. Also, we’re apparently crashing trains into hospital ships now, I don’t know if I mentioned that.

Dorito Mussolini has taken a lot of flak for mismanaging this crisis in ways that not even a reasonably well-domesticated cat would have fucked up, probably because tens, if not hundreds of thousands of us will die as a result of his mistakes, but if he were really as incompetent as the lamestream media says he is, would he have had the foresight to have the Secret Service place an emergency order for golf carts near one of his tacky-ass resorts? This is a man who is totally prepared...for the first available moment to drop the facade that he gives half a  passing fuck about anything but himself.

Republican governors must be running some kind of psychotic dead pool, where they’re competing with each other to see who can get the most citizens killed without angry mobs dragging them from their mansions. And merely defying common sense by allowing public gatherings is low-hanging fruit in this contest; to excel, you have to demonstrate real commitment and creativity in your quest for the largest red state mass grave of all. James Woods is your host on...America’s Next Apocalyptic Wasteland Overlord!

Brian Kemp, still illegitimately squatting in Atlanta, really went the extra murderous mile, obscenely claiming that he allowed the coronavirus to dance merrily across the fields of Dixie, unimpeded by any filthy Yankee stay-the-fuck-home order, because he’s only just now learning that asymptomatic carriers can transmit the wee fucker. Future gubernatorial debates in the Peach State will have to take a few steps back from intricate policy details, to questions like “do you pay attention to the world around you?”

Florida-Man-in-Chief Ron DeSantis remains a heavy favorite; honestly at this point he’s in contention for a whole paragraph in your grandkids’ history textbooks as an example of disastrously lethal leadership during a pandemic. DeSantis finally issued a shelter-in-place order, with the addendum “...but only if you really wanna,” even going so far as to formally overrule any local governments who might want to, I dunno, keep people alive. What can I say, he sincerely believes in the religious liberty...to give your neighbors deadly diseases.

Just to add a personalized pinch of malice to that store-bought incompetence mix, Ron-Ron initially refused to allow any passengers from a nearby coronavirus-stricken cruise ship to disembark, before finally agreeing to take just the Floridians, inviting the rest of the passengers and crew to fuck off to sea in their death boat. Remember, you (almost) can’t spell dysentery without DeSantis!**

Iowa’s Kim Reynolds made a surprising late surge in the race, as one of the last remaining governors refusing to issue a shelter-in-place order, additionally suggesting that perhaps it is Anthony Fauci who is a dumb-dumb who does not brain good, while Kim Reynolds is the genius who knows all the things and maybe she should be the doctor and no, you can’t stack those corpses in her office, why would you even ask?

I dunno, maybe these blood-drenched idiots believe that if enough of their citizens die off, the general electorate won’t be large enough to call a quorum come reelection time? You know, the whole “science is a tool Democrats use to manipulate you” horseshit was one thing when it was a cynical control system deployed by wealthy Republican elites to keep their base angry, stupid, and engaged, but now that it’s trickled down into the actual belief systems of their elected officials, it’s getting people killed. And their brainwashed dolt voters will STILL stick around because of shit like the War on Xmas.

(By the way, even if the COVID-19 outbreak lasts all year, we’re not canceling the War on Xmas. I don’t care if I get sick; this year, Santa dies.)

We saw the invevitable flip side of the sociopathic coin that led Tangerine Idi Amin to pardon serial killer Eddie Gallagher, with the firing of Capt. Brett Crozier, commander of the USS Theodore Roosevelt, for (checks notes) protecting the lives of the sailors serving under him. See, with the coronavirus tearing through his ship, Crozier committed the unforgivable sin of sending a letter asking for help rather than sitting quietly in his floating plague pit like a good little boy. Odd, isn’t it, that the Treasonweasel Administration’s policy of punishing whistleblowers, rather than those whose incompetence or malfeasance necessitated whistleblowing in the first place, has failed to produce functional government?

Having delegated crucial excuse-making authority to his dipshit son-in-law, Fat Q*Bert suddenly found himself with a bunch of time on his (tiny, inadequate) hands, so he grabbed the only crayon in the Resolute desk he hadn’t eaten yet, and wrote Chuck Schumer a little letter. Boy, there’s one to hang above the crapper in the Trump Library, right? He’s not even good at playground insults, y’know? It’s like watching the soft suburban kids I grew up with try to battle rap.

Well, Shart Garfunkel’s approval rating has reached 100%...among novel coronaviruses! How can they not love him, after all he’s done to spread them through the American populace? It seems like every day brings fresh news of the breakdown of the pandemic detection-and-fighting infrastructure caused by the Clowncar Full of Rectums squatting in the White House, from ending an early-warning program aimed specifically at coronaviruses, to failing to do maintenance on ventilators in the stockpile. Outside of bombing hospitals, could he have possibly rolled out a bigger, fatter, welcome mat for this thing?

Well, the CDC finally recommended that all Americans wear masks when going out in public, proving once again that I’m a goddamn trendsetter. Oh, it’s supposed to cover your mouth? But then I couldn’t drink beer. Hey, that reminds me, I have, um, “work” to do, so I’ve gotta sign off now. Stay safe out there, friends.

*Please do not do this.

**Yeah, that one doesn’t really work, does it? But I kept it in anyway. If you don’t like it, start your own fuckin’ blog. 

You Know, I Don't Think This Trump Fellow Is Going to Work Out (Ferret/Shower Cap)

How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news before my brain runs away screaming, shall we?

(Naturally, you can find this post, WITH news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/you-know-i-dont-think-this-trump-fellow-is-going-to-work-out/)

Over the weekend the President Who Stole From Charity rang up Disgraced Baseball Cheat Alex Rodriguez for advice on the ongoing coronavirus crisis, which threatens to keep him off the golf course indefinitely, and oh yeah, I think some of the serfs might die, too. Did he call any of the members of the pandemic response team that he fired? No, that would be silly, when there are so many unscrupulous athletes to consult! A-Rod is reported to have advised the most powerful person on Earth, “well, whenever I was in a jam I just took a fuckton of steroids,” so if this chloroquine thing doesn’t work out, he’ll be pimping HGH from the Shart House pulpit within a week, and at least MAGA nation can leave behind some totally jacked corpses.

Well, when he’s not busy licking celebrities’ buttholes, the Velveeta Vulgarian spends his hours desperately searching for any sliver of good news he can take credit for. Hence, he’s trying to get his own signature printed on the coming stimulus checks that will be sent to millions of American households, because why shouldn’t taxpayers fund his private political campaign while he’s bungling us all into early graves? Tell you what, dirtbag, let’s plant that childlike scrawl where it’s earned and deserved: death certificates. Maybe even tombstones, huh? “Laid down his life to get me to 48% in Rasmussen one last time. Loser.”

Also, the Hairplug That Ate Decency briefly toyed with the notion of a total quarantine for a tri-state area encompassing New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, a real outside-the-box solution, assuming “the box” contains science, common sense, and the U.S. Constitution. Naturally, this would make shit exponentially worse within those states, and wouldn’t do much to slow the spread of the virus, which is everywhere already, including on those beaches Ron DeSantis won’t close, so why don’t we set the authoritarian power grab down and get back in box, campers? There are still quite a few unexplored good ideas back inside the box with the scientists and the doctors and the general non-idiots.

So, the Department of the Interior disestablished the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe’s reservation in Massachusetts, because things aren’t shitty enough right now, I guess. You have to wonder what other acts of white nationalist fuckery Stephen Miller and his motley crew of the hate-fueled and subpar are up to, while everyone else focuses on just surviving this fucking year.

Look, no one has been harder on President Gas Station Urinal Cake than me. Hell, I frequently refer to him as “President Gas Station Urinal Cake,” which certainly isn’t his real name*. But I’ve always vowed to give the devil his due, and even as the world burned around him, Shart Garfunkel kept a cool-if-hideously-spraytanned head, and demonstrated leadership so goshdarned presidential the statue at the Lincoln Memorial stood up to offer his chair, in declaring that the United States would not be paying for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s security, which of course we were never asked to do. A lesser man might have spent his time doing stupid cuck shit like “mobilizing the military to construct field hospitals” or “nationalizing the medical supply chain to battle a catastrophic equipment shortage,” but it takes a Real 'Murican to ignore that petty stuff and address imaginary celebrity gossip problems instead. In related news, we’re all going to die.

Ok. So let’s not fuck around here. Donald Trump is getting people killed every day now. His laziness, ignorance, selfishness, and pride have set us down a path leading to the largest American death toll since WWII, and it seems like all we can do now is walk along it in horror and disbelief. And of course, many of those dying are the medical professionals serving on the front lines, often due to the shortage of personal protective equipment, an inevitable nationwide disaster that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot refused to address weeks ago, when he could have, and should have, choosing instead to prioritize his short-term approval ratings over the lives of us 329 million suckers.

So when this tar-souled charlatan, this piss-stained shitmaggot, tries to shift responsibility for his own monstrous, murderous, failures by accusing the very health care workers whose lives he’s endangering of...motherFUCKER this makes me mad...of smuggling masks “out the back door,” it just makes you want to REDACTED SO THE SECRET SERVICE DOESN’T VISIT ME, doesn’t it? Somebody really oughta REDACTED SO THE SECRET SERVICE DOESN’T VISIT ME, or maybe even WOO BOY I’D REALLY GET IN TROUBLE IF ANYBODY SAW THIS ONE, that’s just what I think, sorry.

And through it all, the demented old creep is out there, bragging about his ratings. We’ve gone from “15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero” to “Hey, if I get out of this with less than 200,000 dead, I’m better than George Washington, like, George Washington, only with lasers for hands,” and he’s still mostly just excited that he gets to be on the magical talking teevee box.

I regret to inform you the lügenpresse is up to their old tricks. At one of Sharty McFly's daily campaign rallies excuse me, "coronavirus briefings," PBS NewsHour’s Yamiche Alcindor viciously punctured the alternate reality he was so desperately spinning, utilizing that sneakiest and most dastardly of tactics: directly quoting the dumb shit he says, which he deems “threatening.” Y’know, since the doddering old crotchrash is getting thousands of us killed and all, I’m gonna go ahead and take some pleasure in his barely-contained rage whenever a black woman challenges him...it ain’t the 25th amendment, but it’s what we’ve got.

Many a lib was owned when Jerry Falwell, Jr reopened parts of Liberty University, in defiance of experts and their namby-pamby calls for “social distancing.” The coronavirus, shockingly unmoved by Falwell’s skillful trolling, wasted little time in infecting a dozen or so of his students. Hope those libtard doctors aren’t so owned that they can’t treat the victims of Jerry’s reckless arrogance.

In times of turmoil, we often find our way back to the famous Fred Rogers quote, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” What many people don’t know is, Mr. Rogers had an evil twin, Ferd, who offered the equally astute, “Look for the bastards. You will always find people who are making shit worse.” Ferd Rogers was talking about folks like Real Estate Mogul/Walking Ass Pimple Joel Freedman, who figured a desperate shortage of hospital beds in Philadelphia was a golden opportunity to extort the city into paying him an exorbitant fee to use the shuttered hospital he owns. If Joel wakes up tomorrow buried underneath 60 tons of rhinoceros diarrhea, then I guess that lamp I found this morning was magic after all.

There’s been a lot of talk about the work of libertarian nutjob (forgive the redundancy) Richard Epstein, and how it influenced Fat Q*Bert’s thinking as he made every imaginable mistake in handling the coronavirus outbreak, as though he owed the coronavirus money (and like, Deutsche Bank amounts of money). Now, Epstein has no experience, in medicine, or science, or breadmaking, or in seemingly anything except being a bloviating jagoff, but still he reached deep inside his own ass to pull out a figure claiming only 500 Americans would die, and decided that the damage to the economy, if we took action to fight COVID-19, would be worse because the real virus is liberalism. Utter horseshit, but it’s what Donnie Dotard wanted to hear, and suddenly you get tweets about the cure being worse than the problem, and a growing mountain of corpses. Congratulations, Richard, winning the Worst Epstein crown was certainly going to be a challenge, but you just might pull it off.

Democracy officially died in Hungary this week, as Viktor Orban used the coronavirus as the convenient excuse to bludgeon those last pesky vestiges of freedom to death. In ordinary times, the U.S. government would be issuing condemnatory statements, and getting to work on withdrawing aid and imposing sanctions over shit like this, but today, the Manchurian Manchild is most likely asking Orban for pointers.

Y’know, the Candycorn Skidmark may be a blithering idiot, overmatched by everything from the basic principles of international trade to the mechanics of the wily umbrella, but let it never be said that he has failed to internalize the prime commandment of modern conservative politics: “The easier it is for folks to vote, the worse we do.” Yeah, the head of our nation’s increasingly-fascist conservative party openly crapping all over the idea of letting everyone vote was certainly not my favorite thing that happened in March, but March was pretty shitty...I think my favorite thing might’ve been that one dream where I was teaching Robert Mitchum and Batman how to play backgammon**.

What’s this shit now? What fresh hell awaits in the latest installment of the Donnie Two-Scoops Daily Propaganda Spew? The MyPillow guy? Fuck. Who the fuck let this Trump-hugging, faux Christian goober up there to shill his wares at what is allegedly a briefing on this fucking disease that’s upended all our lives? I know we need ventilators, but can we maybe spare one shuttered factory to finish work on that catapult to launch these useless idiots into the sun?

And now the Screw All Life on Earth Administration is undoing Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because why should the lucky takers who survive this fuckup-enabled plague get to enjoy a habitable world after Donald Trump is dead and gone? It’s amazing how diligently he works to hurt people, isn’t it? I predict that, ten minutes before Joe Biden takes the oath of office, Littlefinger will, in one final act of spite, lunge for the nuclear football and just start mashing buttons with his tiny, inadequate, little fingers.

I see Mitch McConnell is trying to blame the Marmalade Shartcannon’s ruinous blundering in the face of the pandemic on the distraction of the impeachment trial. While of course it’s tragic that the consequences of the Grifter Grand Wizard’s many crimes cut into his ability to prepare for this emergency, I’m just thankful that he still had the free time to golf, hold hate rallies, and rage-tweet along with Fux Nooz for hours every day, I’d hate to think the responsibilities of his job were stressing him out while he was letting a bunch of people die needlessly.

And now, today, finally, even the Shart House acknowledged that, at the low end, 100,000-240,000 Americans will die of COVID-19. Fuck. It didn’t have to be this way. He could have acted. He could have taken this shit seriously. He could have done his fucking JOB. But no, he dithered, and he dawdled, and he lied his ass off, and now tens of thousands of us have to pay the price for his mistakes. We could’ve been South Korea, and now we’re praying that we’re “only” Italy. Don’t forget, there are still plenty of red state governors refusing to implement the social distancing guidelines needed to keep these numbers low.

Sooooo...yeah. Sorry it ain’t more fun tonight, folks. I, too, long for the salad days of Scott Pruitt and his lotion antics, but here we are. Stay safe out there. Me, I’ve got some screaming and drinking to catch up on.

*I mean, it might be. I haven’t checked.

**Awake, I do not know how to play backgammon. 
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