TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalLies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat (Ferret)
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so ain’t it great they’re not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over their own faces for reasons best left to elite psychiatric professionals to diagnose. Still, you’re here, so let’s get chroniclin’.
(GIT IT with nifty nooz links, here: http://showercapblog.com/lies-damned-lies-and-lies-about-beer-being-made-from-meat/)
Hey hey friends, didja see them new CDC guidelines? All these delicious new privileges raining down upon us, all at once, it’s like turning 21 all over again! I personally plan on going completely wild. Like, bachelor-party-in-Vegas wild, though my version of that will be stumbling from bookstore to bookstore and browsing for hours. Remember BROWSING IN BOOKSTORES? Unnnnnnnnnnnngh sploot.
A lot of the big stuff in the new guidelines pertains to mask wearing, and it’s all great, wonderful news, but at this point, the denizens of MAGA Nation have conditioned themselves into this Pavlovian response wherein they shriek “tyranny” and shit themselves whenever they hear the word “mask,” so of course they’re being all weird and hostile about everything.
For the love of all that’s holy, somebody just ask the Tootsie Pop Owl how many American corpses it takes to get these freedumb-fuddled fuckheads to throw in this stupid, stupid towel? 572,190 wasn’t the magic number...we’ll try again tomorrow, I guess.
Like, that idiot lawmaker up in Alaska who just got her batty ass banned from the only airline that flies to her hometown...how are you STILL throwing this tantrum? It’s like being in the last act of an Alien movie and demanding the waiter bring you a fresh plate of facehuggers. What, at long last, is fucking wrong with you?
While Cult45 gave nary a fuck about containing the coronavirus as it killed and killed and killed for an entire goddamn year, they are absolutely quaking with umbrage that somebody somewhere might be wearing a mask when they don’t strictly need to. JOE BIDEN WORE A MASK ON TV THE OTHER DAY HE’S THE DEVIL they squeal, before injecting fresh bleach into their idolatrous Trump shrines.
Tucker Carlson went a step further, of course, cuz that’s what Tucker Carlson does. Fish Stix Hitler actually encouraged his viewers to initiate conflict with mask-wearing strangers, part of his slow, steady campaign to normalize street violence, and radicalize his viewers into white supremacist terrorists. Which we just...allow, as a culture, it seems. Say, maybe that’s not the best idea.
Comrades, I never in my wildest, communistest fantasies dreamed that Operation: Jade Helm III: The Bidening would go so well! We are months ahead of schedule, already we have begun replacing America’s meat-based beers with feminized vegan alternatives! Deprived of the masculinity-enhancing essences derived from fleshy brews, American manhood shall surely wither and die!
Anyway, BREAKING NEWS: Larry Kudlow said something profoundly idiotic again, although on a topic other than economics, which is kinda refreshing. The Kudmeister was just doing his humble part to flood the zone with shit, y’see, spreading the latest preposterous right-wing lie, something about the Biden Administration’s nefarious plot to Outlaw Meat Except For Maybe a Ham Cube or Two on Your Birthday If You’re Woke Enough.
Also Vice President Harris appropriated fourteen billion taxpayer dollars (and she specifically asked to only use white folks’ money) to purchase copies of her children’s book in order to distribute them to migrant kids at the border as part of their Deep State Welcome/Indoctrination Kit, along with a switchblade and a map to the homes of nearby evangelicals.
Of course, that didn’t happen either. Naturally, Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post wasn’t gonna let any silly cuck stuff like “checking to see if there’s any truth at all to this ridiculous story” interfere with an opportunity to force another shovelful of horseshit down the rubes’ willing gullets. In a couple months, some pollster’s gonna ask people if they believe this crap, and you’ll look at the numbers and cry.
I see Rick Santorum dropped that teevee-friendly mask of his again, belching up the language of white supremacy with such nonchalance you can totally tell he’s not above engaging in a little light Holocaust denial after a Zima or two. Okay. I understand CNN wants to present the far-right point of view to their audience, but Santorum has always been a deranged theocrat, with an awful, hate-based ideology, and surely we can do without his I’m Your Cuddly Wingnut Buddy! schtick.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels and Mitch McConnell are still at each other’s throats, and if ever there was a problem crying out to be solved by an unscrupulous professional wrestling promoter...make sure the steel cage is extra rusty, is my only request.
Hey, speaking of Shitty Old White Men Who’ve Been Trying to Destroy My Country, I see the Consequences Fairy paid a lil’ visit to the Giuliani household, the kind requiring a search warrant, tee hee. Rudy’s defense strategy seems heavy on screaming about Hunter Biden’s laptop and hoping the details sort themselves out, so I don’t imagine we’ve enjoyed our last laugh at Trenchmouth McCousinfucker’s expense.
Turns out the FBI tapped Amerikkka’s Mayor on the shoulder way back in 2019 to warn him Russia was using him to spread disinformation as part of their ongoing Fuck America With a Rake campaign, but Rudes was all, “No worries brah, I’m betraying my homeland on purpose!”
Ron Johnson received a similar warning, what’s called a “defensive briefing” in fact, and upon learning he was being deployed as Vlad Putin’s useful idiot, pumped his fist and exclaimed, “Hear that, Ma? I’m USEFUL!”
Smilin’ Joe Biden went to Congress to give a little speech celebrating 100 days of Not Letting a Nazi Game Show Host Fuck Everything Up, but Republicans still grimaced and pouted their way through it, especially the parts about reducing childhood poverty, because most GOP Senators’ retirement fantasies revolve around opening private orphanages so they can stingily dispense gruel and porridge with an iron hand.
Tim Scott, bless his heart, got stuck with the rebuttal gig, for reasons which, I’m certain, had absolutely nothing to do with shouting WE’VE GOT A BLACK GUY HOW RACIST CAN WE BE at nation that watched the GOP incite a white nationalist lynch mob to murder Congress and overturn the election. Bet that works.
Like, I know feeble gaslighting is the only arrow left in the conservative quiver, but if this sauce gets any weaker you’re gonna be able to order a bottomless bowl of it at Olive Garden. “How dare you imply there’s systemic racism in America also I’m introducing legislation to eliminate all polling places in minority precincts except one, which must by law be located inside a live volcano.” Who do you imagine you’re fooling with this garbage? (Eric and Don Jr. don’t count.)
Meanwhile, McConnell shot off this pitiful, whinging memo to Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, demanding the abandonment of tools like the 1619 Project in favor of feeding the nation’s youth a steady diet of ‘Murican propaganda, because honestly, how’s a disinformation-spewing death cult supposed to indoctrinate a population if you keep on showing them the TRUTH all the dang time? Hey Yertle, if I can borrow a page from Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a fascist if the idea of teaching American history in American history classes sends you into a turbulent turtle tizzy.
Somehow, the slow-motion implosion of Matt Gaetz keeps getting grosser. We’ve swiftly plummeted to Check Out David Cronenberg There in the Corner He Looks Like He Ate Bad Squid levels of revoltingness; it’s frankly interfering with my ability to enjoy the windshield splattering of perhaps the one fly that grew most engorged at the Shitpile of Trumpism. Just throw him down a well and spare us further details, ‘kay?
Incidentally, turns out Roger Stone is the amiable sort of fellow who’ll gladly ask his corrupt President pal to further defile the office and its powers by pardoning a child sex trafficker, for the low, low price of 250 grand. Stone, Gaetz, Kudlow...those scatbuckets had Donnie Dotard’s ear while he was ignoring the doctors and scientists, how odd that things didn’t work out.
Hey, speaking of prominent conservative pedophiles, Josh Duggar, that close personal friend of the “Christian” Huckabee clan, has been arrested and indicted for possession of child pornography. Sure is weird that right-wingers’ll shoot up a pizza joint based on something they thought they saw spelled out in a chemtrail, but can’t be bothered to muster a mumbled “hey quit it” for Duggar or Gaetz or Roy Moore or Donald Trump or Denny Hastert or Caleb Bailey or Marty Glickman or Ralph Shortey or Tim Nolan or any of the rest of the LITERAL ARMY OF REPUBLICAN CHILD MOLESTERS, huh?
Hey Minority Leader McCarthy! Look, I know leadership isn’t exactly your “thing,” but do you maybe wanna, I dunno, work up a quick lil’ statement? Something like, “Even in our post-decency party/cult/wad of subpar white boy rage, a child rapist is not welcome” or do you worry that’d open the door to requiring accountability from the rest of your caucus of traitors and terrorists?
Newly-released documents reveal the depths of madness and paranoia gripping the lunatic “Cyber Ninjas” who’ve somehow been allowed to conduct an unnecessary, redundant audit of the 2020 election in Arizona’s Maricopa County. Hey, maybe folks suffering from delusions that they’re being targeted for Fast-and-Furious-worthy paramilitary strikes carried out by imaginary antifa legions shouldn’t be given access to these ballots, y’know?
Through all this weird, weird fuckery, Joe just keeps on chuggin’ along, methodically undoing his vile predecessor’s despicable works. The Big Dumb Wall finally took its rightful place in history’s blazing dumpster, and the $14 billion Weehands McNodick unconstitutionally stole from the Pentagon has been returned to the...well, to the sprawling, out-of-control, military-industrial complex...okay, there’s still some work to do.
...but it can wait ‘till Monday, I’ve got an intriguing new IPA that requires my immediate attention. When next we meet, I shall have received my SECOND SHOT and I shall be a very happy Cap indeed. Until that merry day...stay safe out there, Resisters.
Carlson, Lindell, Chauvin, and Other Bleached Buttholes of the White Nationalist American Right (F)
Hard to believe that just one short year ago, the President of the United States stood amidst the wreckage of his catastrophic pandemic mismanagement, corpses piling higher by the hour, and told us everything would be okay if we all just injected a little bleach into our bodies. 74 million people voted to keep that guy in power. Sleep tight.
(As ever, git this shit with color n’ links n’ stuff here: http://showercapblog.com/carlson-lindell-chauvin-and-other-bleached-buttholes-of-the-white-nationalist-american-right/)
There’s nothing more fascinating (or surprising) to discover than a Line Too Vile For Even the Post-Trump GOP to Cross. ‘Tis a rare beast, as the last few years have demonstrated, but I guess the Fuck It We’re Just Nazis Now Caucus proposed by Paul “the Mengele of Dentists” Gosar and Marjorie Taylor Guam was an ivory bridge too far, somehow. Ken freakin’ Buck, after everything he’s silently permitted and even vocally supported, said NO THAT SHIT’S TOO RACIST, and like, ok, thanks, but don’t you just want to hand Ken a bright red marker and ask him to draw out precisely where he imagines this line is? That’s a gerrymander, right there; NC-12 ain’t shit.
How much fuckin’ money is there in the pillows-marketed-via-tribal-hatred game, anyway? Don’t get me wrong, Mike Lindell’s ongoing meltdown is the best show on television, (robbed at the Golden Globes, if you ask me) but between funding Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour and his very own laughingstock of a social media network, (kindly refrain from taking my deranged, white supremacist god’s name in vain while you’re inciting violence by spreading fascist disinformation, pleez) there can’t be much cash left in the ol’ MyMattress. Shit, maybe he’s trying to burn through his whole fortune so there’s nothing left for the voting machine companies to take.
COVID-19 damn near pried Ted “Pandemic Denier Because Of Course He Is” Nugent’s flaccid, dusty wee-wee out of his cold, dead hands, that was somethin’. Hey, fuck that guy. Moving on:
You can tell a lot about a political party by the problems it identifies as worth solving. Take us, for example, the Biden-era Democrats: we’re not only finally getting the goddamn pandemic under control, but fighting to reduce racial and economic inequality, modernizing infrastructure and creating jobs doing it, taking on climate change and the gun violence epidemic and oh yeah, working to grant long-overdue congressional representation to the American taxpayers in Washington, D.C.
Meanwhile, in the boiling pits of raw sewage across the aisle, priorities are a wee bit different. Republicans look out upon the nation they’ve failed so disastrously, and say to themselves, “Y’know who gets a raw deal? Folks who drive automobiles into crowds of peaceful protesters, that’s who!” And so, from Oklahoma to Ron “Fascism Sure is Fun When You’re in Charge” DeSantis’ Florida, state-level wingnuts are passing laws granting immunity to people who RUN OVER HUMAN BEINGS WITH THEIR FUCKING CAR, amidst wider crackdowns on First Amendment rights. For those keeping score at home, vehicular homicide should be legal; Black folks voting shouldn’t.
Between this crap and stand-your-ground laws, notice how conservatives keep hollowing out these special situations where (rich, white) people are legally allowed to commit murder? No wonder they’re mad about the Chauvin verdict.
Speaking of...so, the jury in the Derek Chauvin trial swiftly arrived at the only verdict possible when you’ve got a VIDEO RECORDING of the defendant doing exactly what he’s accused of. I mean, and obviously you don’t need me to tell you this, that video is absolutely fucking undeniable. The whole world has seen it. It is a recording of a deeply disturbed man deliberately crushing the life out of a human being and reveling in his power to do so.
We’re so far beyond reasonable doubt here that reasonable doubt seems like an awkward college goth phase where you painted your nails black and pretended to like Sisters of Mercy. Derek Chauvin is precisely the sort of person society needs to be protected from. And there is no sane way to rationalize his behavior.
But lucky us, we share our country with the largest, dumbest, craziest, shittiest cult in human history, so not only did we quickly encounter that insane rationalization, but we got to watch as it spread like wildfire through the right-wing disinformation ecosystem until it was adopted as gospel by all the dutiful drones who don’t even ask for a spoonful of sugar anymore before swallowing their daily allotment of cow excrement.
Near as I can figure it, and bear with me cuz this is real fuckin’ dumb, the idea is that Chauvin was only convicted because the jury was afraid that if they let him off, Maxine Waters would unleash her legions of antifa/BLM MegaNinjaCyberCommandos to wipe whiteness from the face of the earth for all time, leaving nary an Anne Geddes book behind to bear witness.
Got that? Not “indisputable, indeed inescapable proof everyone has seen with their own two fucking eyes,” but “fear of Maxine Waters.”
See, Waters suggested that protesters would need to be “more confrontational” if the system turned out to be okay with agents of the state murdering minorities in cold blood in broad daylight. And the folks who’ve spent the last few years doing everything in their power to support and enable a pants-shitting nitwit game show host who fancied himself a führer as he incited multiple acts of white supremacist terrorism decided it would be fun n’ profitable to pretend Auntie Maxine was calling for violence.
Ridiculous, right? Sure. But remember, we’re already dealing with people that think convicting Chauvin, aka The Murderer in That Murder Video, was a miscarriage of justice. We’re talking about the Brainwash Me Harder Daddy Trumpist Republican base, which has yet to encounter a lie too big to blindly accept.
Is there any better villain for these losers than Maxine Waters, a seriously powerful, ferociously intelligent Black woman who’s hardly shy about putting subpar white boys like Gym Jordan in their place*? You can see ‘em kinda perk up whenever she cycles back into the Two Minutes Hate, can’t you?
In the way pop musicians don’t feel like they’ve truly made it until they’ve earned a “Weird Al” Yankovic parody, no lie is truly Big until Tucker Carlson vomits it out from his contemptible platform. Unsurprisingly, Fish Stix Hitler is all over this one, because, and forgive me for cutting straight to the subtext, he speaks to, and for, an audience that understands exactly what Chauvin did...and likes it. Wants to see more of it. That’s what the most-watched cable “news” show in America is all about, y’see: normalizing violence as a tool to preserve white supremacy**.
Preposterous as all this is, let it never be said these bastards don’t commit to a bit. The very same asshats who riled up the January 6th lynch mob and voted to give in to its demands actually had the gall to attempt to censure Maxine Waters in the House, based on this flimsy crap. This is what Republican politics is now: tacky, nihilistic propaganda theatre designed to keep stupid white folks perpetually misinformed and enraged. What zany fascist antics will Kevin McCarthy’s feral caucus come up with next? Tune in to see if American democracy survives!
Speaking of the great debate of our time (Institutional White Supremacy or Nah?) the battle over voting rights spilled into a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, pitting Foghorn Dipshit, excuse me, “Senator John Kennedy” against Stacey Abrams, GUESS WHO WON? These dolts spend so much time snug within their media bubble, they truly can no longer even comprehend what the real word actually looks like, here outside Rupert Murdoch’s colon.
Semi-Sentient Truck Stop Restroom Wall Vending Machine Condom Rick Scott has begun making little yipping noises about refusing to raise the debt ceiling without dollar-for-dollar spending cuts, because malicious, Medicare-defrauding oligarchs get to take the global economy hostage in this, our healthy, functioning democracy.
The Senate passed a bill designed to combat the recent surge in anti-AAPI hate crimes, 94-1. The lone dissenter was, of course, Josh “Someday My Reich Will Come” Hawley, who now faces an agonizing, years-long wait for the moment he gets to use this vote to call one of his colleagues “race traitor” from a presidential debate stage.
Ron Johnson opposes the “big push” to get everyone vaccinated, finding it “highly suspicious” that folks’re trying to actually end the goddamn pandemic, because the last 13 months have been so fucking delightful, you see. Personally, I believe a U.S. Senator should represent the people of their state, and not the extremely contagious disease killing said people, but then, I am a bleeding heart libtard cuck.
...and a bleeding heart libtard cuck that really needs beer now. Stay safe out there, my friends, keep the vaccines flowing like wine, and be on the lookout, there may just be a new offering from Resistance Comics on the horizon...
* Most assuredly Gymbo’s kink, it turns out.
** I was gonna say “sleep tight,” but I already used that one. I really do hope you're sleeping well, though.
It's Choose Your Own Adventure, America: Infrastructure or White Nationalism? (Ferret)
Holy heck, y’all, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a Restaurant in a Few Months and My God Possibly Even Attending a Movie This Calendar Year Assuming I Ever Stop Weeping For Joy.
(Get all the links n’ shininess here, as always: http://showercapblog.com/its-choose-your-own-adventure-america-infrastructure-or-white-nationalism/)
Well, to date, the post-presidency of the Deposed Dotard with Diminutive Digits has been...let’s just say I don’t think Jimmy Carter is looking over his shoulder.
I’ve actually created a remarkably accurate tool for forecasting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s pitiful shenanigans, call it Cap’s Law of Loser is as Loser Does (Or “CLLLoD”): to predict Donald Trump’s behavior in a given situation, simply consider the setting, and then ask, “What would the biggest loser in the entire world do?”
So, for example, if I told you, “Donald Trump gave a speech to a crowd of wealthy donors at an RNC event held at his tacky-ass golf resort,” and you applied CLLLoD, you’d say, “Well, I suppose he’d launch into a meandering tirade, full of stupid, embarrassing lies, snarling bigotry, and worn-to-the-nub petty grievances, ultimately serving mostly to advertise the unmanageable insecurities that have made him a serial failure and global laughingstock.”
See? The margin of error is fuckin’ microscopic. I’m awaiting peer review before officially publishing my findings, but locating other drunken, masked/bathrobed bloggers has proven challenging.
(Wee Don saved his biggest, tuffest words for Mitch McConnell, by the way, and I’m sure everyone was impressed at his general Big Tuff Boyness. I’m all for this jag-on-jag warfare, of course; honestly, I’m still holding out hope this ends with those two irredeemable dungbuckets plummeting into some bottomless Disney villain abyss, hands clutched tight around one another’s throats.)
The ongoing downfall of Florida (Congress)Man Matt Gaetz continues to be a fascinating real-time experiment in just how much dignity a human turd can shed whilst circling the drain.
So, last week we learned Matt tried but failed to wrangle a pardon from Hairplug Himmler, right? Well, nowadays the Venmo Kid is so radioactive, so pungently reeking of Eau De You’re Fucked Son, that he can’t even land a MEETING with Boss Shart anymore. This news threatens to burst my schadenfreude-engorged belly, because proximity to Trump was the only thing this putrid scrotum tumor had to offer anyone, meaning he’s in even deeper sh-wait now, what’s this you say? Matt’s wingman, indicted trafficker-of-minors Joel Greenberg, is cooperating with the investigation?
Hooooooooooooooooweeee! When Gaetz finally hits pavement, there won’t be enough of him left to spread on a Wheat Thin.
I suppose Congressman Sex Trafficker can at least take comfort in the fact that his caucus leader lacks the ethical fortitude to so much as remove him from the committee overseeing the very Justice Department currently investigating his monumental loathsomeness. Kevin McCarthy remains the Neville Chamberlain of Nevilles Chamberlain.
Speaking of Republican Congressmen Who Shouldn’t Be Allowed Near Playgrounds, Gym Jordan decided to play Fuck Around and Find Out with Maxine Waters, behavior so obviously hazardous to one’s heath I’m surprised the Surgeon General didn’t tackle him. Now that his Turdlord has been o’erthrown, Gymbo’s ostentatiously indignant gaslighting act seems more pathetic and clownish than ever, just an underdressed man-child rubbing shit in his own hair for reasons that are frankly difficult to grasp. The circus moved on, bro; if you have failed to develop any skill set beyond biting the heads off chickens, that’s on you. And buy a jacket, for Christ’s sake.
Rising MAGA star Kristi Noem says the COVID mass grave that used to be South Dakota before she took over is for WHITES ONLY, and I just hope everyone is prepared for the 2024 GOP presidential primary to be months of the very worst people alive trying to out-racist one another. Y'know, like usual.
Ted Cruz, Mike Lee, and Josh Hawley (quite the Dumbfuck Cerberus...what, was Tommy Tuberville busy?) have a plan to return their hopelessly corrupt congregation of the malicious and mediocre to glory, introducing legislation to fiscally discipline Major League Baseball, (for, you’ll recall, opposing the GOP’s fascist, racist assaults on voting rights) because I guess that’s just how you fill your hours when you’re a “legislator” in a party that’s decided policy is for cucks.
The truth is, all this floundering faux outrage only reveals the naked terror running through the Republican Party these days; the Biden Administration promised shots in arms and money in pockets, and speaking for myself, okay, the money got transformed into beer and comic books more or less immediately, but the way the things were going under the last guy (Orange fellow. Loud, stupid. Mouth not unlike the puckered butthole of a syphilitic walrus.) I wasn’t expecting to get vaccinated for months yet. The American people are pretty fucking pleased with the recent change in management, is what I’m saying.
And now, Joe n’ Kamala n’ Chuck n’ Nancy n’ all their friends in our narrow-but-feisty congressional majority plan to follow up their smash debut American Rescue Plan with the equally popular American Jobs Plan, an infrastructure mega-bill filled with loads of awesome stuff favored by massive bipartisan majorities, but opposed by congressional Republicans, on account of the way they’re essentially entry-level employees in the billionaire class’ collective accounting department and all.
I’m nearly sympathetic, because yeah, politically speaking, it was already a pretty fucking big ask, to return the GOP to power on the memory of their I Honestly Didn’t Know You Could Fuck America Up This Badly in Just Four Years record, and that was before Jonny Ossoff and the Reverend Warnock ushered in the Age of Reconciliation and the accompanying trillions. On the other hand, it SHOULD be hard to defend your trash party’s trash positions, so fuck you, I rescind my sympathy. It was only a literary device anyway, you fucks.
Anyway, these bewildered bastards are trying to figure out some way to make the American public hate a generally likable idea like, “let’s finally modernize our infrastructure and make the filthy rich pay for it.” It’s a fairly shitty thing to want to do, so I feel absolutely no guilt in laughing as their Wile E. Coyote scheme to undermine the Biden agenda goes through its entirely predictable life cycle.
“What even IS infrastructure, maaaaaaaaaan?” they feebly whined, hoping to ignite coast-to-coast outrage by furiously nitpicking over classification or terminology or...hey, don’t look at me, it wasn’t my fuckin’ plan.
“Biden’s so-called ‘infrastructure’ proposal,” shrieked Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn, waving her sternest finger quotes, “includes $400 billion for ELDER CARE of all things,” as though “elder care” is Appalachian slang for “letting an elk shit directly into your mouth.” What is your play here, Marsha, beyond Helpfully Drawing the Public’s Attention to an Underreported Aspect of Our Kickass Bill?
Heck, the best McConnell himself could muster was the petulant instance that “no one voted for” Biden’s agenda, and I mean, he’s only 81,282,916 votes off. Bless his dark, obstructionist heart, Yertle’s really only got that one trick.
They’re trying SO HARD to recreate the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ culture-war-inside-a-tent-revival atmosphere, but they lack the manic energy to pull it off; if Wee Donnie One-Term wanted to earn an honest buck for the first time in his abominable life, the truth is, the Senate GOP would pay handsomely for a solid series of gaslighting seminars. As it is, they come off as ridiculous old men, bellowing nonsense and thrashing about gawkily, like Peter Cetera covering Black Flag.
“Sure, we capped a year of murderous bungling (half a million graves and counting, bay-bee) by inciting a Nazi lynch mob to attempt the violent overthrow of the federal government, and our successors are restoring hope and normalcy and prosperity faster than anyone imagined was possible, but which party is torturing transgender children, I ask you that?” That’s the pitch.
And it would be a laughable pitch, were it not for the stakes. All the eggs are in the deplorables basket now. “If you want health care or economic growth or even just simple, basic competence from your government, so be it, vote Democrat, you won’t find any of that crap here...but if you’re so warped by hate and fear that you’d just as soon burn the whole thing down in order to rule the ashes, HAVE I GOT A POLITICAL PARTY FOR YOU.”
Tucker Carlson recently started slinging the jargon of the “great replacement” theory, which everyone quickly agreed is precisely the sort of thing white nationalists say. Now, I don’t have a lot of illusions left to shatter, but I thought maybe dispensing actual white supremacist propaganda on cable’s most-watched show would finally be the line even Fux was too decent to cross.
But no, Lachlan Murdoch let the world know Fish Stix Hitler has his full support, insisting to the ADL, yes, to the frickin’ Anti-Defamation League, with reptilian courtesy, that Liar Tuck’s endorsement was in fact a condemnation, which surely made Orwell’s ghost spasm and twitch. That Lachlan sees political and financial benefit in platforming the ideology of genocide is, at the risk of editorializing, a phenomenally shitty thing.
Shittier still is hearing the same poison vomited up during a subcommittee hearing, by a sitting U.S. Congressman, but then, Pennsylvania’s Scott Perry has been a fairly reliable hategeyser since swapping out his old Freedumb Caucus crazy pants for those shiny new robes. Naturally, Ron “the Shame of Wisconsin” Johnson wants in on this Nazi shit too, because wherever Nazi shit is to be found, RoJo wants in on it. It’s his “thing.”
And now, fashy dentist Paul Gosar is teaming up with Marjorie Taylor Guam to launch a bonafide Brownshirt Caucus within the House GOP, squealing about the need to Make Architecture White Again, which presumably means constructing all new buildings out of the copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Gosar cranks out by hand in his basement during his week-long meth benders.
In announcing new sanctions on Russia, (sorry Vlad, Daddy’s home) the Biden Administration revealed that pardoned traitor Paul Manafort was indeed involved in a scheme to use a Konstantin-Kilimnik-shaped pipeline to funnel secret Trump campaign information directly to Russian Intelligence Services, the better to target their efforts to interfere in our election and install Putin’s personal pet in the White House.
And we just...let that guy be President for four entire years. Cool. Hey Republicans, if you ever find yourselves wondering how y’all alienated every American voter who isn’t a Klansman or a drooling, conspiracy-addled fuckwit, maybe the Koch family owns some sort of mirror factory, you perfidious shitworms.
Shoutout to the fetid wad of treason and loserstech that stormed the U.S Capitol 100 short days ago, on their very first plea-bargainin‘, flippity-flippin’, manly-militia-man-turned-cooperating-witness: founding Oath Keeper Jon Ryan Schaffer! I won’t claim to be an expert, but I guess the “oath” in question must not cover immediately selling your deadbeat terrorist buddies out ten seconds after Captain Consequences knocks on your door. “Oath Keepers.” Sure, Jan.
And even as the pandemic recedes, the older American plagues of mass shootings and police violence surge anew. It’s a battle every damn day, making this country live up to its promises. It’s been nice lately, putting some points on the board for a change, but the work remains...
...so grab some rest (rest meaning beer) this weekend so you’re up for it! Stay safe out there, Shower Captives, the finish line is finally in sight!
PS - Aw, Roger Stone thought he was all safe n’ pardoned, but it appears his troubles are just beginning, how sad...
Don't Worry, Congressman Gaetz, You'll Hit Rock Bottom at Some Point. Surely. (F/SC)
They laughed at Warren G. Harding, but he was light years ahead of his time with that return to normalcy shit. Returning to normalcy is pretty fucking great, in my opinion. The more normalcy I return to, the more I like it. Lately, I find I have even less tolerance for the fuckery we document here in this blog, it’s like...quit messing up my return to normalcy, you asswipes.
(You know this, but get this blog, in color and riddled with nifty news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/dont-worry-congressman-gaetz-youll-hit-rock-bottom-at-some-point-surely/)
Boy, Republicans do not have the first fucking idea what to do about all this corporate pushback against their fascist assault on voting rights, do they? The only thing they know how to do anymore is lash out in anger, but you don’t get a key to a GOP cloakroom without conditioning yourself to instantaneously submit to the slightest shifting whim of the Hand That Feeds You, so all this is real confusing for the poor little tykes, y’know?
Seriously, it’s about time for somebody to call Elaine Chao to come get her husband; you know Mitch, if he can’t get what he wants by abusing arcane parliamentary procedure, he gets all flustered n’ fussy; he’s one self-aggrandizing Rand Paul filibuster away from wandering onto the Senate floor in a poorly-tied bathrobe, mumbling to himself about the fifteen bucks Daniel Moynihan still owes him. Pro tip, Yertle: if you can’t finish a threat without begging the threatenee for money, best not to bother.
As limp and embarrassing as the whole sordid show has been, we should still make note that Republican officials no longer even hesitate before threatening to bring the full unholy fury of the state down upon the heads of uppity private sector dissenters, and like, I know I come off like a broken record sometimes, but this is yet another Thing Republicans Do That’s Indistinguishable From What Fascists Do.
Another Trump-administered lesson in authoritarianism swiftly internalized by the entire GOP is that when it comes to their credulous, grievance-crazed base, there is simply no limit to the power to fool some of the people all of the time. New polling shows alarming numbers of Republicans blindly believe every dumb, crazy lie the Velveeta Vulgarian and his enablers told about the 2020 election, because gaslighting and victimhood are two whiny wingnut tastes that taste great together.
So it shouldn’t really surprise anyone that the official messaging around these voter suppression laws (seamlessly harmonized between elected Republicans and the right-wing media, as is typical in this, our intensely healthy democracy) has been to simply straight-up fucking lie about the content of the bills, and then defend the horseshit misrepresentation with the sanctimonious fury of a forgotten sitcom actor doing Atticus Finch on the dinner theatre circuit.
For example, when Major League Baseball announced Denver as the new host for this year’s All-Star Game, following its withdrawal from Atlanta, (over the legal enshrinement of white supremacy thing, in case that slipped anyone’s mind) the entire right-wing jagoffosphere howled in perfect unison COLORADO’S VOTING LAWS ARE STRICTER THAN GEORGIA’S, which of course isn’t anywhere close to true; in fact, that’s a claim so ridiculous that once upon a time, they would’ve shipped you out to a farm in the country to run around with Dan Quayle for making it, but nowadays, well, the bigger the lie the better, and indeed, at this very moment, some long-lost cousin or classmate or co-worker of yours is engaged in a ferocious Facebook debate, and he is infuriatingly unshakeable in his belief that voting laws are stricter in Colorado than in Georgia. Because that’s just how stuff works now. Wheeeeee.
That poll was really something. 64% of these rubes believe the Tooth Fairy is real, of whom 91% say she’s a filthy socialist who should be strung up in front of the Capitol alongside former Vice President Mike Pants, who has a book coming out, apparently, in case you’re curious about the lies a spineless wannabe theocrat tells himself to justify his own prominent role in the creation of the violent anti-democracy movement that ultimately attempted to murder him. I’ll wait for the movie.
Anyway, yeah, conservatives have declared war on both Coke and baseball, so I figure we’re about six weeks away from some sort of manic, Roger Corman-esque, nationwide bald eagle hunt.
Still, after failed boycotts of Starbucks and Netflix and Nike and Keurig and...well, basically everything except shag carpeting woven from Mike Lindell’s back hair, nobody’s willing to offer up so much as a courtesy shiver in the face of this latest promise of righteous economic wrath. It took what, two whole days from Sultan Spraytan’s Churchillian call to arms before he got caught consorting with the enemy? Yeah, I can’t figure out why those North Korea negotiations never went anywhere, can you?
Hey, you might not want to finish this sentence without first procuring access to a fainting couch, but it appears as though the Trump campaign ripped off their own supporters! I know, right? Who could’ve imagined the guy who extorted a piss ransom from the people tasked with risking their lives to protect his would stoop so low as to deceive his most faithful followers into unknowingly committing to weekly recurring donations until their bank accounts were (in the middle of a pandemic/economic crisis, so what, quitcher bitchin’ ya filthy takers) bled completely dry? Who indeed, except, y’know...literally everyone?
Honestly, HOW ARE YOU STILL FALLING FOR THIS SHIT? I’m really asking, and you’re invited to respond in the comments; please post your SSN, along with any account and/or routing numbers you may have, or I won’t be able to follow up.
No sooner did news of this massive, $64.3 million fraud break than the NRCC went, “Public shaming? How are we not using that one already, that’s Extracting Money From a Cult of Dumbasses 101!” So now when you make a donation, you either sign up for regular tithing, or they declare you a “DEFECTOR” and you go on a list that gets sent to Marm-a-Lago and then some random night Weehands McNodick himself breaks into your house to steal your pork rinds and hit on your daughters.
I see Greg Gutfeld ushered in a bold new era of conservative comedy, bringing his trademark What if an Impacted Toenail Had Opinions About Cancel Culture act to a new show on Fux, where he forces his interns to chuckle nervously while he monologues like a drunken Klan Dragon.
Meanwhile, on the very same cable channel, Tucker Carlson inches ever closer to simply reading Mein Kampf aloud from a rocking chair next to a fireplace. The language of “white replacement” felt chilling enough, screeched by tiki-torch-wielding incels in Charlottesville; seeing it piped into millions of American living rooms, on the lips of wolves dressed as the trusted newsmen of generations past...can’t say I’m a fan, friends.
Because a GOP official in Texas just got caught trying organize, in his own words, a “brigade,” an “army” to invade minority neighborhoods in Houston in order to...”monitor elections,” and if there’s anything useful about pretending this dude wasn’t calling for meticulously coordinated violence targeting non-white voters, I don’t fucking see what it might be.
But lose ye not hope, my friends, for though the enemy is black of heart, he is dull of mind. Normally you have to get into a sword fight with Graham Chapman to experience the sort of self-inflicted humiliation Steve Doocy earns by repeatedly insisting upon matching wits with Jen Psaki, but bless his heart, he shows no signs of letting up. (Hey Fox, if you’re looking to put some actual comedy in Gutfeld’s slot, I’ve got an idea.)
Somehow, this week was even worse for Matt Gaetz than last week, which is not only thoroughly hilarious but also quite nourishing, for our justice-starved nation. However, I confess I fear that if we continue on this trajectory for even a few days more, the degree to which the Congresscreep from the Florida 1st is fucked may progress beyond the capacity of the human mind to comprehend. This kid is fucked on a cosmic scale, folks. There are whole Greek myths about dudes suffering eternally in Hades who aren’t as fucked as Matt Gaetz.
I think we’ve all learned more than we cared to about Matt’s sewage-gargling chum, Joel Greenberg, who has turned out to be...well, more or less exactly what you’d expect from someone willing to socialize with Matt Gaetz, which is to say the Mildred Call the Police That Strange Man Is Leering Near the Playground Again type of fellow.
Anyhow, Joel, indicted on 33 total charges and no doubt hoping to reclaim at least some small corner of his scrotum from the vice on Johnny Law’s desk, seems positively giddy to strike a plea bargain, prompting his lawyer to publicly speculate Gaetz "is not feeling very comfortable today,” a reasonable enough assessment of the mental state of an ambitious young pusbucket who mere months ago flew on Air Force One at the President’s request, but now finds himself under federal investigation in a sex-trafficking scandal.
That assessment only got reasonabler when news broke of the extremely public trail of Venmo transactions Gaetz and Greenberg helpfully left for investigators, and Matt’s legal troubles hardly stop there. Allies have abandoned him, and now he faces a shiny new ethics investigation in Congress. As I said, Sisyphus ain’t got shit on this kid.
Seems during the And Fall days of the Turd Reich, young Mattward nervously inquired of the Shart House, “say, y’all wouldn’t happen to have any preemptive blanket pardons lying around, wouldja?” Alas, whereas other prominent dingleberries orbiting the Adderall-Addled Assclown, your Roger Stones and your Duncan Hunters, had the good sense to get convicted before Sheriff Biden rode back into town, Gaetz’s woes didn’t surface until Hairplug Himmler’s authority to pervert justice had been reduced once more to petty golf course fraud.
Bad timing, bro. Sucks to be you. If it makes you feel any better, watching it happen to you is absolutely fucking stupendous.
We learned the kakistocrat cronies Shart Garfunkel installed at HHS (remember Michael Caputo?) gleefully celebrated their successful attempts to corrupt and distort the CDC’s scientific findings relating to the coronavirus outbreak, which, yes, amounts to dancing on the mass graves dug in the doomed, damned quest to extend an idiot tyrant’s mad reign. Y’know, history already taught us that fascists will happily send hundreds of thousands to the slaughter if it means one more day in power, but I guess 21st century America needed that lesson the hard way.
On that merry note, I’ll leave you to your weekend. Hey, if you missed the Kickstarters for my first two comics, check showercapblog.com, you can get hooked up right now! Get vaccinated, buy comics, and stay safe out there, Resisters!
I'm Sorry, the Line For the Matt Gaetz Dunk Tank Forms 674 Miles Down the Road (F/SC)
The news cycle continues its slowdown, and though these quieter days take some getting used to, the change is mostly welcome. Even so, it turns out that a focused, contained return to the batshittiest Trump-era scandal levels can be tolerable, even pleasant, at least in the context of God’s own holy wrath coming down on the head of one of the very worst people alive.
(Git it, with links, here: http://showercapblog.com/im-sorry-the-line-for-the-matt-gaetz-dunk-tank-forms-674-miles-down-the-road/)
Look out Washington, cuz Major Biden is hardly the only member of his household running wild these days. There’s still cake in the fridge from the We Passed a $1.9 Trillion Stimulus Bill and Made Mitch McConnell Watch party, and Smilin’ Joe’s already pushing for a couple trillion more in infrastructure spending. Why? Maybe, as some speculate, he’s angling for an FDR-worthy legacy. Maybe he’s trying to do as much good as he can before his honeymoon period runs out. Maybe he just wants more cake.
Whatever the case may be, Yertle’s all flustered and colicky; don’t Dems understand they’re supposed to obediently abandon their agenda and their mandate to his famed legislative graveyard? Instead, he’s watching Majority Leader Schumer rifle through the sofa cushions in search of extra reconciliation tokens...shit, how’s an inept death cult supposed to regain political power if the opposition keeps improving folks’ lives? It’s not fair!
Joe’s infrastructure plan actually gets more popular when people find out rich folks’re paying for it. And the plutocrat class was already trembling at the popularity of Democrats’ For the People Act, even among Republican voters; I swear, it gets harder to buy a government all the time.
While Biden works and wins, his predecessor appears to be on some sort of epic quest to journey beyond the reach of subjectivity and get the Guinness World Records people to proclaim him History’s Biggest and Biggest Imaginable Loser. Now, I enjoy Fat Q*bert’s humiliation as much as the next patriotic American, but watching a dude who was President of the United States just three short months ago shuffle around his tacky-ass golf resort, like an escaped hospital patient, gown swinging wide open, looking for weddings to crash so he can blubber his way through his latest laundry list of grievances...I mean, if all the losers from every Tom Waits song and Robert Altman film and Sam Shepard play congealed into one giant mega-loser in order to battle it out for loser primacy, I still think Donnie gets the first-round KO. He’s a wonder of loser science; such extreme loserdom surely defies the laws of physics.
And he’s nowhere near finished failing, of course. The New York attorney general’s office seems to be closing in on Allen Weisselberg, aka The Guy Who Knows Where the Bodies Are Buried and a federal judge invalidated his campaign’s heavy-handed non-disclosure agreements and Summer Zervos’ defamation suit cleared another procedural hurdle and even the coupons for free hugs he got Don Jr. for his 21st birthday have been declared illegitimate and void.
The Arkansas GOP passed a legislative hate crime targeting the state’s transgender residents, because voting Republican is mostly about wanting a government that hurts your neighbors for being different. I confess I’m tired of all this fear-driven regressive spite; you’ve had your Nazi lynch mob and your mass pandemic graveyards, can you truly find no better use for your time (or your power) than to torment the survivors of your malicious malpractice?
Before gettin’ to the good stuff, everyone here at Shower Cap’s Blog would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to Congressman Matt Gaetz, who not only delivered much-needed blog fodder to an otherwise (blissfully) slow news week, but granted the weary, schadenfreude-starved American left the glorious spectacle of one of Trumpism’s archbishops melting down before our eyes into a puddle of filth, reeking of sulfur and the vile ambition of the cruel and petty.
The day started promisingly for Gaetz, actually, amidst leaked rumors that he was contemplating leaving boring ol’ Congress behind to pursue fame and fortune with the disinformation-spewing fascist factory men call “Newsmax,” like a shittier Jim DeMint*, prompting a great deal of chin-stroking about the precise location of the center of power within the throbbing mass of shrieking buttholes that is the Republican Party of 2021.
Shit like that is like crack to an attention whore like Gaetz, but the high was not to last, alas.
For ordinary mortals, a gigantic, late-breaking news story containing your name alongside words like “trafficking” and “17-year-old” would surely constitute the low point of, at the very least, your day, but our Matthew is a true once-in-a-generation scumbag, and he was just getting warmed up.
Gaetz knew he needed a softball interview, STAT, and so he called up Tucker Carlson, because that’s just whatcha do when you’re an American Nazi in search of a safe space. Now, Liar Tuck has helped many a wingnut jagoff disseminate their horseshit spin, but young Mattward was on a mission to make Sam Nunberg look like Droopy. Panicked and desperate, he attempted to lash himself to Carlson like an anchor**, proclaiming the two of them Best Sex Crimez Buddies 4Ever, earning a speedy defenestration from the only media figure extreme enough to even consider helping him.
Because no sooner had the scandal broken than every Republican in Washington called up their favorite access journalist to issue the same We Aways Knew That Gaetz Boy Was No Good statement. When you think of all the shit those cowardly doormats excused and enabled over the last few years, it’s sort of staggering to contemplate what sort of massive asshole you’d have to be to merit such instant, unanimous excommunication.
Outside of Gym Jordan’s mumbled, half-assed “Matt Gaetz is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life,” his lone congressional defender is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam, and she’s only looking for something, ANYTHING, to piggyback on to get some of that sweet, sweet attention she no longer commands since the media moved on from her sad little geek show. Point is, the assemble-the-team montage isn’t going well for Rep. Florida Man.
Anyway, he belches up this zany-ass, Elmore-Leonard-meets-Carter-Page story about extortion and hostages and all kindsa weird shit, which, amazingly, seems to be at least partially true? Problem is, the whole reason he’s being extorted is that he’s under investigation for some extremely major, extremely disturbing crimes. It’s a bit of an ethical sticky wicket, I admit, but I imagine most folks’d side with the blackmailers here.
I mean, maybe this all turns out to be more innocent than it looks. I guess. Maybe. Somehow. Buuuuuut what it looks like right now is a sitting U.S. Congressman hanging around with a sex-trafficking scatbucket and paying to commit sex acts with minors.
Can’t wait to see what the future holds for ya, Congressman!
Now that we’re actually fighting the pandemic instead of letting it run wild in the name of placating one broken old man’s fragile ego, our successes have led to an All-New, All-Stupid front in the culture war, because that’s just how shit works in a “culture” imbecilic enough to elevate frat house dumpster babies like Matt Frickin’ Gaetz to the highest halls of power.
I’m speaking, of course, about the right-wing freakout over vaccine passports. See, we’ll need a passport system going forward, so that those us with brains and consciences and such can safely gather in crowds without the freedumb crew ruining everything by letting Covid-19 tag along as their uninvited plus-one. You creeps are perfectly free to stick with your Immunization is For Cucks conniption; just understand that doing so means that sporting events, concerts, indoor dining, and the like are equally For Cucks. We, the responsible majority, have been prisoners of your reckless selfishness for a goddamn year and change; you are most definitely not invited to join in our reindeer games now that we’ve finally fought our way free of your fuckery.
Of course, to a Republican, nothing is more important than preserving the rights of egomaniacal crotchtumors to inflict harm upon strangers, so now we actually have to have a giant political squabble over what really ought to be an entirely non-controversial public health measure, but since objective reality has been partisan for quite a while now, are we even allowed to complain about this crap anymore? I vote yes.
Obviously, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is on board with this insanity; he’s sided with the damn virus so consistently I assume it’ll be his running mate come 2024. And naturally, all the predictable persecution junkies are whinging about Nazi Germany and “Biden’s mark of the beast” and “corporate communism;” you’ve gotta expect that sort of thing when a major political party starts conducting their candidate recruitment in meth dens.
I don’t understand why we need a passport anyway, can’t we just scan the microchip Bill Gates painstakingly inserts, by hand, into every single dose?
Georgia Republicans, facing corporate pushback for their recent authoritarian/white supremacist assault on voting rights, swiftly turned vindictive, with their state House majority voting to repeal a significant tax break for Delta, one of the state’s largest employers, following a critical memo issued by CEO Ed Bastian. That’s open warfare on their own economy, in the name of vengeance for dissenting speech, if anyone still imagines these goose-stepping bastards are just fucking around.
Now that Major League Baseball has pulled the 2021 All-Star Game from Atlanta, I guess we’ll see how many billions these thugs are willing to piss away in the name of adding a few extra spasms to the death throes of institutionalized whites-only rule. Personally, I get strong “better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven” vibes off Brian Kemp and his giddy minoritarian cronies, so I’m not optimistic.
In fact, Jim Crow fever is sweeping through MAGA nation, alongside all the usual pre-existing conservative conditions, (racism, Covid, brain-eating maggots, etc.) with over 350 bills designed to curb stomp voting rights introduced throughout the country.
Texas Republicans are tripping over themselves to rush their own Silly 21st Century Electorate, Voting is for White People law onto the books, generating their very own corporate condemnation/totalitarian retaliation threat cycle; I imagine this’ll become a familiar ritual as the country works through this whole Fascism or Nah phase.
In their defense, if you were tasked with re-electing the murderously incompetent Abbott/Patrick regime, to say nothing of Ted “Already the Most Punchable Man Alive Before Fleeing to Cancún While His Constituents Froze to Death” Cruz, you wouldn’t want the citizenry weighing in either.
Another day, another attack on the U.S. Capitol, another Capitol Police officer slain in the line of duty, with one more injured for good measure. Don’t normalize any of this shit, folks, no matter how often it happens.
That’s about all I can stand for one week, friends. May the Vaccine Fairy visit you and all your loved ones as soon as possible. Until then, I leave you in the capable hands of (trust me) John Boehner.
*One of the least pleasant revelations of the last few years has been that there are indeed people who are observably, inarguably shittier than Jim DeMint.
**An anchor that pays for sex
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