May 29, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of: Editor's Picks Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of: Editor’s Picks Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh, hello! I know, right? I can’t believe how quickly 2019 has just flown by. We’re already at the end of yet another amazing season of the Top 10 which means that in the winter / spring edition of the Top 10 we’ve crowned our Stupidest State 2019 champion. And amazingly Alabama went from being underdogs to winning it all with their insane anti-abortion laws! Everyone thought that Florida was going to win for a second year in a row, and they were heavily favored. But you got to love a good underdog story and Alabama certainly was the one. And of course the NFFSA will be back for this time next year as we crown another Stupidest State winner heading into the 2020 election. Anyway, normally for our Best Of editions, we go back through the few most recent ones to pick some of our favorite entries. But for this week – Memorial Day weekend, and next week, we’re going through every single Top 10 going all the way back to #1 to find our favorite entries, segments, ups and downs in this insane period called the Donald J. Trump administration. This week it’s our editor’s picks for the all time best Top 10 entries. And then next week, picks for the 10 best will be chosen by you, the viewers! So get out there and vote for your favorites! OK that’s enough of the intro but first we have to play the recent Last Week Tonight investigation about death investigations that features an appearance by the one and only Tracy Morgan:



For the number one slot this week, we go back to Idiots #4-18, where Donald Trump (1) officially opened the US embassy in Jerusalem to the delight of end times apocalypse worshippers and to the horror of death and destruction, because that’s how they roll. In the second slot, from Idiots #2-20, is also Donald Trump (2) and he brags that Mar-A-Lago has “the best cake”, but health reports pertaining to Trump related organizations suggest that something rather horrifying might be lurking underneath that chocolate you’re eating. In the number 3 slot, from way back in the first season from Idiots #1-36, Trump (3) and Pence get schooled on extremely terrible logo designs from when the Trump Pence campaign was first unveiled. In the number 4 slot, from Idiots #3-5, there was a shocking comparison between the merchandise sold at Alex Jones’ Infowars store and the merchandise sold at Gwenyth Paltrow’s GOOP store, and guess what? They might be the same thing! Taking the fifth slot, from Idiots #5-5, we take a look at a ridiculous concept in the world of dating called “micro cheating” after BFs and GFs turn the tables on each other finding just about anything that they can possibly complain about. In slot #6-3, in “Holy Shit”, our resident pastor at the Holy Church Of The Top 10, our resident pastor asks the question “Would You Kill Baby Hitler?”. In the seventh slot, from Idiots #5-4, “Beating A Dead Horse” explains why the Alt Right has got to let go of the insane conspiracy theory known as Pizzagate, and their excuses keep getting nuttier and nuttier. In the number 8 slot, from Idiots #5-1, “Explaining Jokes To Idiots” take s a look at what happened to popular punk rock band NOFX after they decided to deliver an extremely poor taste joke about the Vegas shooting, while in Vegas. Yeah don’t do that. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week from Idiots #4-6, People Are Dumb takes a look at what happens when a flat earther decides to take his vision of what a flat earth looks like just a little too far. And finally this week, from the 3rd season Idiots #3-15, our stop of the World Tour that week took us to the land of Broadway, the Yankees, and 30 Rockefeller Center, New York City (10)! Plus we have some live music from when 30 Seconds To Mars closed out the 5th season of the Top 10! Enjoy! Plus as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots # 4-18

Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna get raptured! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Woooooooooooooo! Woooo! Woo. Ok maybe it’s not at all as exciting as it’s made out to be since a whole lot of us are probably gonna die in a nuclear holocaust, and relatively soon. At least the doomsday preppers can say “I told you so!”. Followed by a very childish “neener neener!”. So for the sake of this piece, let’s call it “Left Behind: The Real Life Interactive Version”. Or to use something that might be more popular with the kids these days: “Left Behind: Infinity War”. Yes I’m crossing two franchises here – one has a really bizarre doomsday scenario in which half of the population gets snapped up by a crazy wannnabe god bent on controlling the universe, and the other one has Iron Man.



See you next week! What? We still have the full hour left? And Post Malone is backstage? OK. I definitely wouldn’t want to leave Post Malone hanging. So how are we going to get left behind this week?





It’s good to know that today’s lunatic fringe Christians plan to create a literal version of hell on earth! I will take that one, thank you! So this weekend – the week after the Kentucky Derby – Trump managed to create a trifecta of pissing off three countries at once! And those countries are Isreal, Syria, and Palestine – countries whose bad side you do not want to get on! So how did Palestine mark this momentous occasion?





So of course while patting himself on the back for a job well done of pissing off half the world while pleasing his “base”, Donald Trump seems to forget that he’s going to get a whole lot of people killed in the process. There goes that Nobel Peace Prize!




You know it’s a policy here not to joke about tragedy. But when the guy who you currently call “president” is a walking tragedy and everything he touches turns to shit, exceptions have to be made, damn it! It’s good to know Trump has some company in high places because when the rapture does happen, he’s going to need to seek shelter fast!





And those men are currently running the show! And when this gets written up 50 years after nuclear Armageddon happens, assuming there’s something left of humanity, historians are not going to be surprised how we get to this point. I mean with friends like these, who needs enemies?





So the answer to world peace is… more war? How does that… oh fuck, it’s the Trump administration we’re talking about here! Attempting to question their logic could make one’s head explode! But it’s good to know those who fantasize about the apocalypse might actually get a chance to see it played out in real life. They do know Left Behind is fiction, right?






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


From: Idiots #2-20

This week on Cake Boss, we’re going to the king of cakes. The sultan of sugar (Sultan Of Sugar, by the way, saw them at the Troub last week, great show!). I’m of course talking about the best cake in the land – the chocolate cake with a very drab scoop of ice cream that’s served at Mar-A-Lago. Why it’s good enough to feed visiting dignitaries and Trump’s fat ass! And we don’t even have to make this one!





Because what’s an internet show without some cat memes? I mean come on seriously people! But how good was the cake at Mar-A-Lago? Why it’s good enough to make world leaders forget which country they sent cruise missiles to! Ha ha ha! But how good is a piece of cake really worth? And what does it look like? Well here’s a real, unaltered image!



Doesn’t that look tasty? I mean it just screams class! I’ve made better looking cakes than that, and I’m not exactly what one would call a “professional chef”. But really folks, there’s got to be an underlying motive here, doesn’t there? I mean doesn’t there?





Oh and it gets so much worse from there ladies and gentlemen! Smoked salmon is great, but smoked salmon without proper parasite destruction? WTF are they serving? Mold in the ice machine?





And in fact there were over 13 violations in the kitchen alone! So if you’re going to Mar-A-Lago, don’t hesitate to bring your own food! Although, I’m sure President Trump would hate that. Because after all, he serves the best food at Mar-A-Lago and Trump properties all over the world! But at least you can have cake, which is what Marie Antionette would have wanted.


[/diiv]

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


From: Idiots #1-36

So for this entry we got to talk about how to *NOT* design a campaign logo. Especially one that will be the butt of jokes of the internet. It didn’t even last a day, people! A fucking day! Of course cry baby Donald Trump is going to remove it when this happens. But before we get into some of the more creative logos, can we show the original please? Let’s throw that up there.



Not too bad until you see that Beavis heartily endorses this logo.





And then wait until you see what Samantha Bee did with it:






Come on even the guy who designed the logo is no fan of Trumpenfuror by any means! I mean come on, and I will post some cringe-worthy excerpts from the Wired article on the Trumppence Logo:





I mean the logo didn’t even last a fucking day! Where’s your sense of respecting our leaders? Oh wait this guy who wants to be leader has respect for um, absolutely nobody!



Can we throw the new logo up there?



Off to a great start guys! Really bravo well done!



By the way, GQ hilariously speculates how that horrible logo could have reared its’ ugly head:



“Yeah well… logo designers and graphic artists are stupid losers. See I need a logo that appeals to me, as well as appeals to Fox News viewers. What? You mean Roger Ailes is under indictment for sexual harassment? Shit.”


[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Infowars And Goop
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #3-5

You know we were on break last week, but I couldn’t love this next story more! Hey everybody! It’s time to open up the Top 10 Home Shopping Network!



Yes thank you fellow shoppers! We go live to the floor! So what do we have this week? Well, a blog based in Australia discovered something shocking about two drastically different websites.
On the left – you have celebrity lifestyle guru Gwenyth Paltrow’s venerable GOOP blog which hawks insane items like the Jade Egg and butthole steaming aimed at well, people with way more money than they do brains. On the right is psycho pundit Alex Jones’ venerable Infowars blog which hawks doomsday prepper merchandise aimed at today’s active deplorables. Let’s explore this further.





Because GOOP will sell just about anything. Now here’s where it gets weird! As was said in the article – what GOOP calls “sex dust”, Infowars calls “Super Male Vitality”. I mean it’s absolutely insane what they can sell – and anyone will buy it!!! So here’s what is behind door #1:





That’s right – the website that hawks the jade egg has something in common with the website that sells you body armor, water filters, and other doomsday prepper merch. Hey if there’s one thing everyone has in common is that we get sold the same bullshit, am I right? Well let’s show you just a few of the items you can buy all for low, low prices! All it takes is a phone and a credit card today! Here’s what is behind door number one – brain food!





And here’s what is behind door number two! Immuno bullshit!



And finally behind door #3 – herbal bullshit!







[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Micro Cheating
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-5

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



If you’re in a relationship, whether it’s a short term relationship or a long term relationship, or you’re married or single, you probably don’t think about the number of ways that relationship could end. But as it turns out, it could end way faster than you would think. Because as new science and research has pointed out, there’s plenty of possible ways a relationship could end. This is the new concept and phenomenon known as “micro cheating”. Here’s how this is defined.





But is it creeping? Is it cheating? Or is it a combination of the above? Most likely it is a combination of all of the above. But you could be cheating and not know it. In fact there’s a whole list of warning signs of the possibility of micro cheating. Apparently you could be guilty of it and not know it.





This is where you might start to actually question whether or not this is a thing. Seriously, if you think about it – James Bond is a notorious micro cheater. Especially on Moneypenny. But how do you know, would you believe there are warning signs? Why yes there are warning signs!





Yes, monogamy is hard, although somehow we think Ashley Madison may not be the best person to ask on this subject. That would be like asking Trump about his love of fine dining. So apparently you can subtly cheat on your partner without knowing it. Even cheating on social media is still cheating.





So apparently James Bond cheats all the time. In fact Bond cheats so much his cheats have their own cheats. It’s cheating inception. But apparently even the so-called “experts” think this is 100% grade A bullshit:





So even the experts aren’t exactly clear on what this is. That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #6-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Las Vegas! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Have a seat please! And give it up for our gospel choir, how great are they? You know… I have just returned from Washington DC. This week there was an event that the religious right of America felt the need to have their voices heard. Which is their right under GAWD that they can do that. So what has the fundamentalists’ underwear in a wad? Why are they going so nuts over this one topic that they need to hold their OWN march? Well let’s take a look at what actually happened last week that got lost in the headlines!



?itemid=4821584

Yes. You know what? Let’s play the clip because it’s quite spectacular:



Now you know, my fair congregation, it says that in the Good Book that murder is illegal! But… that hasn’t stopped the Baby Hitler debate. In fact if you take a look at some past clips, judging on the actions of this weekend, well, they haven’t aged well.







So there you go, the very idea that murdering Baby Hitler has been the subject of some rather interesting debate. But the debate over killing Baby Hitler is actually pretty toxic for sponsors – they really don’t want anything to do with it.





But while this is a touchy subject for advertisers, it’s apparently a touchy subject for Mr. Shapiro himself because thanks to his anti-abortion views, he wouldn’t kill Baby Hitler because… he’s a baby. That’s sound logic there!





By the way let’s hear it for my gospel choir. How great are they? Can I get an amen??? Anyone remember a few years ago when Pat Robertson had that clip about the mom who lost a baby to miscarriage and then he justified it? Let’s play that!



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOO! Boo indeed. So they’re conflicted on the message TO THIS DAY in case you can’t tell! And by the way in case you’re wondering if there really is a Baby Hitler out there, well here’s your answer!





So there really is a real Baby Hitler out there! Raised by Neo Nazis at that! Well, there’s a test for this debate right now! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Pizzagate
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-4

Spin it! And it lands on… Food! Of course I’m in Austin, what better way of getting to know the city better than sampling the local flare? Which of course is barbecue, and we brought in some great local catering. Let’s check it out – I’ve got brisket, sausage, pulled pork, baked beans and potato salad. Wow, good shit!



Man you gotta love smoked meat. Not that kind of smoked meat, sir! Austin you guys are awesome! All right spin it again! And it lands on… Beating A Dead Horse!



You know conservatives, you really got to let this Pizzagate thing go! You already shot up Comet Ping Pong in Washington, DC trying to prove it, and you also got kicked out of the same restaurant videotaping children’s birthday parties in a creepy stalker manner. And you also got to accept that you don’t really care about children, especially if you advocate that they get separated from their parents at the border! The sooner you face your denial, the better! But nope, this bullshit continues to be a thing despite getting called a hoax time and time again. And for the purposes of comedy, all of our funny memes and clips will be replaced with images of cheese pizza. Because we care! And Trump loving conservatives apparently get off on that sort of thing.





Yeah sure, right. Keep talking guys – everything you say is worse than what came before it. And this wasn’t the only Pizzagate related story that’s been brought up lately.





OK for those you keeping score at home – actual sexual abuse, physical abuse, human trafficking, and child sex crimes committed by ICE, they’re perfectly fine with. But let’s keep investigating those fake child sex crimes that so far have not existed! And then there’s our favorite whack a doodle conspiracy theorist, Liz Cronkin. Who definitely isn’t helping!





You know it’s like playing a fucked up game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Except there’s just one degree and Kevin Bacon is a Satanic pedophile! Does that image of cheese pizza turn you on Liz? I had leftover cheese pizza for lunch yesterday, actual cheese pizza. It is not a metaphor, you sick fucking lunatics!! Or is it?






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-1

It’s time for our new segment:



And there’s plenty of them this week. As well as stuff we’ve missed in the two weeks that we’ve been gone. But mainly I want to start this segment with the rock band NOFX – yeah they are friends of the show since we had them on last season. But they shot themselves in the foot. No not quite literally there, good sir, with a joke about the Las Vegas shooting that was in extremely poor taste:





Yeah that happened. Now before you boo – wait for it – the follow up was even worse than the initial dialogue between Fat Mike and Melvin:





OK now you can boo!!! Here’s the thing Fat Mike – we know your band says some shit that may border on insensitive and we’re OK with that. But here’s what we’re not OK with – no we’re not thinking that. I mean that is the opposite of what we were thinking And the fallout was even worse than the joke.





Yeah so here’s the thing Fat Mike – if you’ve got a corporate sponsorship of a festival maybe don’t say anything that can cost you your sponsorship! I mean just ask Roseanne how well that went. But this might be a first – NOFX might be the first band to ever get booted from their own festival!





And by the way, Roseanne might want to take a page into how you do a real apology because you don’t blame the Ambien for your colossal fuck up:






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Oh you know what time it is? It’s time for this!



And of course Depeche Mode schedules a stop in my home town, on the day of my calculus final. Grr. Yes so of course you know by now you know that people are people, and people are dumb. So who’s dumb this week? Why don’t we start in our favorite state of Florida because why not? You know I’ve been to my local Goodwill Store hundreds of times, never saw this:





Yeah maybe it was that guy who donated the grenade launcher! Next up – a new category that we haven’t explored here yet – dumb professors! So how are you a university professor and you don’t know that Australia is a single country? Well let’s explain.





Yeah come on has that guy not seen The Simpsons? Next on People Are Dumb – our good friend Florida Man! Or maybe Florida Man’s wife Florida Woman! Of course you know the Super Bowl is the best game around, and this time around what happens when you fight during the Super Bowl? Might want to call Jerry Springer for this one!





Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Next up in People Are Dumb – we go to the Florida of the North – Wisconsin. So we all get it, we have loved ones, they die. And it sucks but it’s a part of life and we have to accept it. But do we really need to bring fucking pizza into the mix? If I’m planning Nana’s funeral I can guarantee the last thing I want would be a slice of pepperoni supreme!





Right, what situation isn’t improved by pizza? Deadpool knows what’s up! And come on, Nana didn’t skimp on the toppings, let’s not kid ourselves here! Finally this week for “People Are Dumb”, here’s a real life Rocket Man! Remember this guy from last year? Well he’s back! And he was proved wrong by Elon Musk!





Why does Wiley Coyote keep using Acme products if they keep failing? Does he have a buy one get one free card? Anyway that’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]World Tour Destination #15: New York
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #3-15



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Dotard Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. So if you want a recap of where we’ve been so far, in the last few weeks we’ve discovered that South Africa’s racists make ours look like chumps, Argentina is an environmental nightmare but has some good politics, and Brazil’s batshit fucking crazy. This week we’re coming home for some much needed R&R before we head out to Asia, the Middle East, and Australia! Here’s the tour schedule:



[font size="6"]New York[/font]



We need some music for this one! Can we get some music please?



Ah yes who doesn’t love Alicia Keys? Well we’re back home everybody! And what better place to talk about than my home away from home, the great state of New York! New York has tons to do, see, visit, like the Baseball Hall Of Fame in Cooperstown. And while there, grab a pint at the venerable Ommegang Brewery, which brewed the official beer for the hit TV show Game Of Thrones! As if I didn’t need a beer to watch Game Of Thrones, but I’ll take one, thanks! You want sports teams? New York has got them – of course the MLB’s Yankees need no introduction, but there’s also their Bronx neighbors, the New York Mets. Football? They’ve got the NFL’s Giants and Jets – and they are forced to share the same room, and as always have a bit of sibling rivalry going on. Basketball? There’s the worst team in basketball, the New York Knicks, and its’ slightly worse and easily forgettable cousin, the Brooklyn Nets. Soccer? There’s the New York Red Bulls. Hockey? They got the New York Islanders and the New York Rangers, which also share the same stadium. College? New York is home to the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference which includes Monmouth, Iona, Siona, and Quinnipiac Universities. You might see them on ESPN and wonder who are these teams again? How about concerts? New York is home to Broadway and the legendary Radio City Music Hall and Madison Square Garden. There’s also tons of great indie rock bands and actors that are from this state. Too many to name, almost! New York is also home to some of the world’s largest financial institutions, and it’s also home to the United Nations, or maybe it won’t be after Dotard Trump gets done with it. It’s also home to the legendary Museum Of Modern Art and Museum Of Natural History, as famously profiled in the hit comedy “Night At The Museum”:



RIP Robin Williams. *record screeches* Wait, didn’t we already cover the states in our Stupidest State contest? Yes we did, but we left out on purpose the two states the GOP loves to hate the most – California and New York. So what is New York the home of? Well they’re reason why a new Constitutional Convention would be utterly disastrous:





And when you think of gambling where pops up immediately? Vegas and Atlantic City, and maybe the occasional place in Europe like Monaco or Montenegro, but Buffalo, New York has a thriving gaming industry that’s just as corrupt as you might expect:





Well not for this piece they’re not! We love New York here, and I come to the east coast quite often. But then there’s the thing that republicans love to hate the most – the budget. And New York’s incompetence on this subject is quite spectacular.





Speaking of incompetence knowing no boundaries – there’s Equifax. We already covered Equifax a great deal in this edition but the state of New York was hit the hardest by that. The data giant has been accused of not following cyber rules according to Gov. Cuomo:





I believe Equifax’s reasons for not compiling with the rules are 1) cooking a French bread pizza, and 2) simply forgot. And you know we can’t go to New York without going to New York City. Thank you audience! So Turkish Prime Minister and guy who could school the republicans on how you stage a coup, Tayyip Erdogan, gave a speech in NYC last week, and here’s how it was met – New York style!





And do what, exactly? Eh… Tracy I don’t know. But one thing we do know – New York City *IS* the home of Dotard Trump Tower.






[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

New York is a great place to visit (I’ve been there many times) and a pretty good place to live – especially upstate. Unfortunately not even the perceived liberal utopia can escape the toxic political climate of Dotard Trump.

Tourism: A
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: C
Liberal Appeal: B+

Overall: B+

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

I am coming home people! I get to spend approximately… one week in my home state of California! Whew!!!! Then after that we are off to the Land Of The Rising Sun, Japan!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]30 Seconds To Mars[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen we have saved one of the best for last, I am super excited to have my next guest on, they have a new album called “America”. No tour dates yet but we will let you know. Playing their song called “Dangerous Night”, let’s give it up for 30 Seconds To Mars!!!!




Next week we will be running another Best Of with our favorite picks as selected by you, the readers and fans! We will return with a brand new edition on June 12th live from El Paso! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Gospel Choir, Westwood
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
30 Seconds To Mars Appear Courtesy Of: Interscope Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 25, 2019

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Why does Wiley Coyote keep using Acme products if they keep failing? Does he have a buy one get one free card? Does he have a credit card? Is he part of some rewards program? Does he get frequent flyer miles and access to presale concert tickets? I want to know!

*audience laughs and applauds*

The Top 10 is off this week so our editors have posted their all time favorites! We talk about the latest version of Left Behind, Mar A Lago fails health inspections, Trump and Pence get schooled on bad logo design, Pizzagate still exists, we school NOFX on why you shouldn't joke about the worst mass shooting in history, Infowars and Goop hawk the same merchandise, and flat earthers are complete idiots. Plus in one of our favorite Top 10 Investigates segments, we discuss the possibilities of micro cheating - is that really a thing? And in one of our favorite Holy Shit segments - our resident pastor asks the question "Would you kill Baby Hitler?" (spoiler alert! Probably). And we also replay that time our exhaustive World Tour took us to New York City (NEW YORK CITY!!!!). And some live music from 30 Seconds To Mars!

Also next week we will post our fan favorite submissions!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wed at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

May 22, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-19: Fight For Your Right (To Choose) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-19: Fight For Your Right (To Choose) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Sign up now to get exclusive rewards from our advertising partners! Ah you know what? We wont subject you to that, there’s too much of that shit out there already. Last thing you need is us cluttering your inbox. Hey it’s our season finale everybody!!! Whew, we made it! We are there! This is awesome. And I can’t wait to come back for season 7!!! So is everyone still recovering from the Game Of Thrones finale? I haven’t seen it so I can’t say who won for sure but I do know this – regardless of who wins or loses the Game Of Thrones, someone who does win above all is the House Of HBO. They had the highest ratings ever for a paid cable network. 2.7 million people. So all you people who are complaining that this was a bad season – yeah you know what? This goes back to our theory about Bernie Sanders – he’s got a product to sell, and you bought it. You know what else? HBO has a show to broadcast, and you watched it. The two are no different! So to the 800,000 people who signed a petition to redo this season you know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if HBO flashed their cash right in front of you as an insult. Seriously you can’t please everybody all the time, and most of those people are Game Of Thrones fans. OK that’s enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to today. But first John Oliver is back with what might be the single most frightening Last Week Tonight ever on what happens when you die:



Whew, where do we begin this week? Well, they did it. The anti-abortion extremists (1) got abortion successfully equated with murder as states including Ohio, Alabama, and Indiana have signed into law some of the harshest penalties yet for abortion. So much that it’s occupying a second slot, and we’re going to find out what’s fueling the abortion debate (2) because it’s getting weirder and scarier, and Christian extremists are going all out in their quest to rid the country of Roe V Wade. In the third slot this week we have a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and we’re going to introduce you to media mogul and convicted fraudster Conrad Black (3) who might be the latest in a long line of controversial Trump pardons. Why? Because Mr. Black wrote a flattering book about Trump, and you know how he loves him some loyalty! In the fourth slot this week is the NRA (4) and they are in a complete free fall after last month’s annual convention, mainly thanks to some extremely reckless spending habits. We will play armchair auditor and find out what’s really going on with the gun lobby! For the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and we’re going to talk cars. There’s finally a market for electric vehicles and they are more popular than ever, but what’s up with the trucks? A couple of startups are looking to take a chunk out of Tesla’s armor, and we will take a look at that. In the sixth slot this week, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and our resident pastor is going to find out – why does the Christian right hate equality? Doesn’t it say love thy neighbor? What Bible are they reading? And in the 7th slot this week we have “Beating A Dead Horse” (7). Is it OK for Trump fans to display their MAGA pride at sporting events? Well a few of them have and it’s beginning to become a problem, and it needs to stop right now! At the number 8 slot this week is a new installment of “How Is This Still A Thing” and after some rocky changes in leadership and ownership, we’re going to find out how conservative campus lobby TPUSA (8) is still a thing. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And here we are, it’s finally time to crown the winner of our 2019 Stupidest State Contest! We’re live at UCLA’s legendary Pauley Pavilion for all the action as Wisconsin takes on Alabama. We will have the champagne, the post game celebration, and all the festivities as we crown our winner! Plus to cap off this season, we have some live music from the man, the myth, the legend that is Ice Cube! Really, buy his new album “Everythang’s Corrupt” or you are no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Abortion Laws
[br] [/font] [br]

Yes, our number one this week is the anti-abortion activists who scored crazy victories last week in their never-ending quest to overturn Roe V. Wade. And you know what is fucking scary? They might actually do it this year. I mean right now there’s only one heartbeat that I care about this week is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s. Ruth, you must please live forever! But we’re going to talk a lot about Alabama this edition (after all, they are our Stupidest State Flyover League Champion. But here’s where it stands currently in Alabama, or as it’s been called Al’Abama.





You said it, sir! We cannot tolerate this anymore. And that’s fucking terrifying that the fate of all of these horrible abortion bills could rest on the fate of one guy. I mean shit, even Pat Robertson, a guy who I would never in a million years agree with anything he says, thinks that these laws that are being passed have gone too far. But really Pat, you’re part of the problem!







Yeah seriously, when Pat fucking Robertson thinks you’ve gone too far, shut the whole damn thing down!!!! And by the way if you’re wondering how you can help, here’s how. Instead of boycotting the state altogether, why not join the fight? It’s turning ugly and the more you avoid talking about it, the more you help create the problem. So why not take action and join in?




I mean seriously when Gordon Ramsay thinks you’ve gone too far, you’ve gone too fucking far. I mean that shrimp scampi isn’t going to marinate itself!!! And Maryland’s not alone. Other states including California and Colorado are joining the fight against Alabama. Really, Alabama, you done fucked up big time and you will pay for this bill.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The Abortion Debate
[br] [/font] [br]

I’m sure by now everyone is sick of hearing about Alabama’s insanely totalitarian anti-abortion laws but they’re not alone. This was a carefully coordinated attack in an effort to overturn Roe V Wade, and if it goes to SCOTUS, there’s a chance that it might actually happen – and we have every reason in the world to be fucking terrified of the very real possibility that this could happen. So why is there such a rush to capitalize on anti-abortion practices now and what’s fueling the debate? Well it’s no secret that ultra far right Christians have been operating deep within the Trump administration. But the question is why the push now?





Well actually you are wrong! I mean this is fucking insane – 77% of the country supports that abortion should be legal in cases of rape or incest. But not in Alabama! Really you got to fight for your right to choose people! Or to paraphrase the immortal Beastie Boys, YOU GOTTA FIGHT… FOR YOUR RIGHT… TO CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!! Ah, I miss that band. But Alabama isn’t the only one, Missouri has also come along and torched previous abortion legislation.





And I mean is anyone really that shocked that it’s mostly conservative white males who are fueling the fire for this debate? The other thing I noticed is that states seem to be pumping out these abortion laws almost as frequently as Tyler Perry pumps out Madea movies. And just like the Madea movies, each one gets more ridiculous and insane. Quite frankly I’m expecting the two franchises to make a cross over movie at some point. Oh don’t boo! Really sir, that’s the joke you choose to walk out on? Fine, but there is this.





Oh it’s on now anti-abortion foes! In fact your reckless disregard for human rights may signal a massive blue wave in 2020 and possibly spell the end of your reign of terror in the Trump White House. Even Alabama, or as the new name has declared itself, Al’Abama, is running scared of the detractors of this horrifying human rights atrocity.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Conrad Black
[br] [/font] [br]



When Donald Trump picks a person to pardon, he sure knows how to pick them! I mean let’s go through some of the people who he’s pardoned so far. Like Sheriff Joe Arpaio for instance, a guy who tortured prisoners. Or Razzie Award winning documentarian Dinesh D’Souza who got busted for illegal campaign contributions. Or Scooter Libby, the guy who outed CIA agents. Now there’s Conrad Black, the latest in a long line of Trump pardons. This fucking guy. You know what got him on Trump’s radar? He’s the author of a book called “Donald J. Trump: A President Like No Other”. Before you boo, let’s consider the source for a minute.





Boy he sure can pick presidents can’t he? I mean Trump *AND* Nixon? Maybe next he’ll write flattering books about Atilla The Hun and Josef Stalin. And you know when Trump picks a person to pardon he really is abusing his position. He has an ego the size of Texas and it’s insane how he keeps pardoning people who kiss his ass, like Conrad Black and Dinesh D’Souza.





You know what’s really sad? The fact that this book tried to casually pass off the fact that Trump may be a racist! Shocker! These people lie like it’s a bodily function. In case you were wondering what Conrad Black’s credentials are, he has his head so far up Trump’s ass that he bumped into Hannity, Limbaugh, and Tucker Carlson. Here’s some more of what the relationship between these two is like, and well it’s a classic case of quid pro quo.





Yes… quid pro quo, douchebags! I mean has Mr. Black really contributed anything to business outside of having his lips placed firmly on Trump’s ass? And Trump’s ass has to be big because he’s got a lot of people kissing it! And by the way I don’t think Trump gets that a pardon is an admission of guilt – Mr. Black may be guilty of one crime but that doesn’t let him off the hook for others! By the way in case you’re wondering what Mr. Black was found guilty of, it was just some good old fashioned white collar crime!





And yes there are far worse people Trump has pardoned and we will get to those. But for now this is Conrad Black, this week’s:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The NRA
[br] [/font] [br]

Allow me to engage in a bit of schadenfreude here. But seriously, fuck the NRA. And is anyone else taking delight that since their annual convention, the organization has been completely imploding? I mean they should go down in a fiery ball of flames the way that a gun lobby is supposed to go down – shooting first and asking questions later. But I am loving the fact that they just seem to be imploding at the seems. Maybe it’s because people are finally getting tired of their schtick? Or because they were the recent attempt of a failed coup by Oliver North? Or is it something else? But never the less time to break out your inner Nelson and laugh along.





You know just remember – Al Capone wasn’t taken down because he was a drug dealer, money launderer, and murderer. You know what got him busted? Just a little thing called money. And the NRA is losing a hell of a lot of it. I mean things are so bad at the NRA that they actually had to cut their coffee expenses! Yes, fuck free coffee, you NRA employees have to stand in line at Starbucks, just like the rest of us! So how bad is it?





While the annual gun nut convention drew a record crowd – one of their largest ever in the organization’s existence, it does show just how dire of straights that the embattled gun lobby is actually in, and if you know anything about accounting or finances, you know that there is some serious shit about to go down.





No fucking shit! I mean gee, you think? We’re tired of seeing people get shot like they’re in an arcade game and our politicians that you installed aren’t doing jack shit about it! So strap in, because the NRA has hit rock bottom in the Trump administration and things are about to get a whole lot worse. Feel free to join in with me at the end as we emit a good, hearty “HA HA!!”.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Electric Avenue
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates.



Not even 15 years ago, hybrid cars and electric cars were in the beginning phases. Now with the advent of Tesla and many manufacturers trending toward electric vehicles and hybrid electric vehicles, many have been asking what about trucks? The idea of marketing an electric truck is very tricky, especially when trucks seem to be getting bigger, burning more fuel, and using bigger and bigger tires. Now companies like Ford and GM appear to be investing in them and bringing their own ideas to the market, so what’s holding back the electric truck?





So going after truck owners with electric vehicles is going to be an extremely sticky market to navigate for both experienced conglomerates like GM and Ford, as well as new startups like Rivian and veteran EV manufacturer Tesla. But let’s take a look at Sweden – a country that – not surprising, leads the entire world in electric vehicle production. How have they tackled this situation?





So that’s what is happening across the ocean. But back at home there’s many challenges that present itself in this new burgeoning market. Manufacturing is one challenge that is needed to overcome in order for electric trucks to be viable. With many of the major manufacturers shutting plants and laying off people, how is that going to affect the production? Here’s one solution.





Yes, the article does go on to mention that the owner has plans of making personal electric helicopters at the Lordstown plant. But let’s not get nuts start with the trucks first. But at least this is a wake up call for the industry to get serious about electric trucks. But what will it take for GM, Ford, and RAM to get serious about competing with Tesla and new electric startups? Maybe this will be an incentive.





Yes leave it to California to drive change for the rest of the nation to follow. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we live in some very troubled and rocky times right now. And our attempts to recognize all of our fellow brothers and sisters as equal have not exactly been what one would call successful. There’s a proposed amendment to our constitution that would guarantee equal rights for all citizens. Now isn’t that something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want? And here’s a thought – how would everyone being equal somehow impose on your “religious freedom”? But there’s some who are taking this way too far.





Now let’s dissect this here a minute. You want rights, right? Here’s a bill that is going to give you those rights. Instead you think it’s somehow going to impose on your religious freedom? What it really imposes on is your right to be an asshole! Can I get an amen??? But really what are the religious right talking about when they say nonsense like this?





And that is true. I mean do they really believe it when they spout this nonsense? I have personally been asking this question since I first started my church. The Equality Act does not discriminate against marriage and it certainly doesn’t impose on religious freedom. Like I said what it really imposes on is your right to be an asshole. That’s all, nothing more, nothing less. And it most definitely won’t cause GAWD to destroy America! That much I know for sure. Can I get an amen???





Yes, Pat, I don’t think you know what the word GAWD means, yet you keep using it! But while my brothers and sisters keep using that word, this might be one of my favorite things that has been said about the Equality Act so far. And well, just when you think it can’t get any crazier, new depths of depravity are reached.





Yeah so equality for everyone means death to Christianity? I think you protest way too much! I mean really, these fucking people. Mass has ended may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: MAGA Pride At Sports Events
[br] [/font] [br]



There’s a very fine line between being a fan… and being a fan. You know the type – the kind who take their favorite sports team and turn it into a 24/7 lifestyle brand. It’s not enough to be a fan of the Red Sox – you have to have your bedroom painted to look like a replica of the Green Monster and dress up like Big Papi for Halloween. But that’s racist because you’d be wearing blackface. Hey I’m not the one who thought of it! So with that said, MAGA fans are a rare breed of super fan. They have no team attached, other than glorious leader Trump, and would blindly follow Trump off a cliff if he instructed them to do so, because that’s what a good cult leader does – break down their followers’ ability to think freely. So a series of incidents is going to have us asking the question – “Is it OK to show your MAGA pride at public events?”. I think that we all know the answer to that!





Oh come on this is Boston here, some of the rowdiest sports fans in the country. We pay good money for those seats at Fenway! If a giant banner is blocking my view, I’m ripping that shit down, regardless of what’s on it! But this wasn’t the only incident where a Trump supporter went full MAGA in public. And you never go full MAGA, not in a million years! I also want to show you this incident from Disney World last year:





Yeah that one gets a thumbs up from the man himself, and you all know how he loves him some loyalty, right? Oh and then there was this incident from a bar in New York City back in March where a guy went full MAGA in public and suffered the consequences of that. And of course he leaves off the part about being a racist douche.





Gee, what’s that you say? A Trump supporter was being loud, obnoxious and racist in public *WHILE* wearing a MAGA hat? I’m shocked!! And then as if that’s not enough, there was this incident from a high school in Minnesota – where during a basketball game, were being racist. I can’t help but put my finger on it, but I’m sensing a pattern here and I think I can guess what it is!





I’m surprised that didn’t happen at the fans. But do you get it yet folks? Do you see why showing your MAGA pride might, I don’t know, be considered bad? And you wouldn’t know any better. But I suggest putting your money where your mouth is. The next time you show your MAGA pride wearing a Trump shirt, hat, or unfurling a large sign or banner, you might want to consider where they are made since it directly contradicts your favorite president’s “America First” policy:






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]TPUSA
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time once again to ask:



This week – ultra conservative, extremely far right campus recruiting group TPUSA. How are they still a thing? You might remember TPUSA from last year when their Kent State chapter famously attempted to protest campus “safe spaces” by wearing diapers and acting like babies, and well, that backfired on them big time. But they just can’t help but being racist and saying racist things. But we can’t escape the fact that one of the biggest conservative recruiting organizations has a problem with racists. And it’s not just the UNLV chapter. It’s happening all across the country. Just remember conservatives, we’re laughing at you, not with you. But the racists can’t help but being racist, and groups like TPUSA have a huge problem with that.





Wait, what? That’s not right there. But anyway due to some severe changes in management, TPUSA has gone through a bit of a rocky time. It’s quite ironic that TPUSA has a zero tolerance against hate because that’s all their members do. By the way if you were to look up TPUSA, you would see an alarming number of articles from Breitbart (natch) like this one about how hostile campus environments have become toward TPUSA events. But really, no one wants your hate speech. In fact TPUSA has become quite the problem on campus.





Yes, TPUSA is costing campuses a lot of money to host their events. Because they are so toxic, no one wants to deal with them. In fact even Candace Owens, a founding member of TPUSA recently quit the group after getting booed at a speech in London for some controversial comments she made about Hitler. And you don’t go full Hitler.





That is a good question! But in case you’re wondering how TPUSA is allowed to continue to exist despite how toxic the organization is, and the fact that they invite and incite violence, then blame the “leftists” for their faults, there was this. TPUSA and their quest to end “radical leftism” on campus came to a screeching halt when its’ ISP decided that it was no longer going to host their “Professor Watchlist”.





Yes, TPUSA’s general nature has become so toxic even their own ISP doesn’t want anything to do with them. And by the way in case you are wondering about their founder, Charlie Kirk, well he attempted to start a new organization called, un-ironically called Turning Point Action. So if you can guess that it is not even a month old and is already being investigated by the IRS for potential fraud, it’s definitely not at all surprising.





So, some heavy fraud, death threats, some light racism, and lying to the IRS. And yet this guy earned lots of praise from President Trump. Very fine people, right. That’s enough to make you ask – TPUSA:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And I feel like literally every single one of these could come from our favorite penis-shaped state of Florida and we will get to those in a minute. But first I want to talk about motivation. So there was a brewery in North Carolina where they had a transport van stolen from them. And rather than getting the police involved, the brewery decided to do something smart and creative instead – offer up some free beer! And you know what happened next? No, sir, that didn’t happen. Instead they found the van in less than an hour.





So yeah that happened. And hey it’s the two greatest words in the English language – free beer! Now let’s get into the dumb people shall we? When you break into a house what’s your first thought? Mine would be to get the fuck out but this woman instead decided to channel her inner Marge Simpson and clean the dishes.





Yeah I’m sure it was like that! Next up, now it’s time to go to the Sunshine State. And this might be one of my favorites, especially since the NBA finals are currently in full swing. But would you believe that maybe the secret to improving your game would be to lose those tight, bunchy gym shorts and even the ever-cumbersome jock strap? Well that’s what this one Florida Man did:





Next up – how many people have a sunroof on their car? But you know what you don’t do with that said sunroof? Use it as a ride. And that’s exactly what this Florida Man did. So yeah people the sun roof is not meant to act as a 5th car seat. And especially don’t drive with someone sitting on it while you’re going at this speed. That could end very badly for all parties involved.





Next up – we could probably do an entire “People Are Dumb” based on the dumb things that people have stolen large quantities of. And I’m sure that when this particular Florida Man got in the truck, he didn’t know it was full of… coffins! Yup! And now we can add this to “ridiculous things that people have stolen”.





Finally this week we go to the Show Me State for this one. And you know Florida Man either has cousins or he has some competition. But when you go to bail out someone you know / love, and you have a criminal record yourself, maybe I don’t know, don’t show up at the police station with a bag of meth, because that’s what happened here:





I love the statement from the Sheriff in that story by the way. I mean come on!!! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Here it is folks! The grand finale!!!! We are live at UCLA’s legendary Pauley Pavilion in Westwood for all the action as we enter the final round of the tournament. 16 will enter, two will play for the crown and the title of being the Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! Last week, Wisconsin showed upstart favorite Georgia who’s boss to win the Layover League and advance to their first ever title matchup in program history. On the flip side, Florida Man again attempted a ridiculous stunt to win the Flyover League and cost Florida the tournament, allowing longtime Family Values favorite Alabama to get the upper hand and win the match and advance to their first title match in 14 years! Let’s get out those brackets and follow along!



[font size="4"]Wisconsin Vs Alabama[/font]

[font size="4"]Wisconsin[/font]


So here we go! It’s the final matchup! Who will win? In this corner it’s Wisconsin! We’ve talked a lot about how Trump is trying to woo Chinese human rights atrocity Foxconn to its’ state and is experiencing a lot of backlash. But we’ve already discussed that enough. Instead we’re going to talk about how completely fucked up the Wisconsin GOP is. So how bad is the GOP hurting in Wisconsin after they got their asses handed to them trying to reelect Scott Walker?





And in case you’re wondering if the Wisconsin GOP has their finger on the pulse of the electorate in Wisconsin, can you guess if they’re running on any of the issues that matter to voters the most? Like I don’t know – abortion? No. The economy? No. Medicaid expansion? No. Legalized pot? No. And the even more fucked up thing? We still can’t beat them!





And the fate of the Wisconsin GOP may lie in just one guy, and we really might have to do a “People Who Somehow Got Elected” in a future edition because really, Ron Johnson is a gem. And I mean that in the most non flattering way possible. So how do we keep losing to morons like this? I really want to know because… just… ahhhhhhh!!!





[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]


And here comes Alabama! Yes, the state that just equated abortion with murder and is punishing accordingly is showing no signs of slowing down! In fact their governor is someone who we may have to do a “People Who Somehow Got Elected” on Kay Ivey because really, how did she get elected? Oh wait, it’s fucking Alabama, the people who keep wanting Roy Moore to represent them somehow. Yes, family values run deep in Alabama, and Kay Ivey shows you what it’s all about. And apparently they are doing this “for the children” but really – fundies couldn’t give a flying fuck about children.





Really? They seriously value sanctity of life? Oh wait, they don’t give a shit! Especially when Alabama leads the country with the nation’s highest infant mortality rate. Yes! The state that gave us a law equating abortion with murder has the country’s highest number of infant deaths. And no, Trump, this does not mean executions. This means something fucked up on the birthing table!





Don’t get too comfortable there. I could go on and on about how stupid Alabama is in passing this legislation, but instead I’ll just let Kay Ivey do the talking. While there’s many reasons to boycott Alabama and other, more sane states like California, Nevada, and Colorado are actually advising their employees against traveling to Alabama, Kay Ivey seems to think it’s just fine. She said as her nose grew about 15 inches.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!! And it was a no brainer – Alabama rolled Wisconsin. You may roll tide, but the Crimson Tide of Alabama steamrolled the Wisconsin Cheeseheads and knocked them out of the contest and declared victory with a final score of 105 – 80. Congratulations to Alabama, they are our 2019 Stupidest State champions!!! They are celebrating on the court and the fans are rioting outside, Alabama has triumphed over all detractors to win the Family Values Conference, the Flyover League, and now they are our 2019 Stupidest State Champion!

[font size="4"]Net Cutting & Champagne Ceremony[/font]







[font size="4"]Statement From The Commissioner[/font]

Congratulations to Alabama for winning it all in the 2019 Stupidest State Championship! Alabama will take home the coveted DeLay Trophy! And as always I want to thank all of the fine people who help make the NFFSA possible, all the venues that hosted us, all the states, the coaches, and staff, our travel partners, and the staff and management of all the venues that hosted us. and congratulations to all of the states that participated this year. You earned it. Alabama is a shining example of conservative idiocy and the one who we are proud to call this year’s champion! I We will see you back next at this time next year! Now let’s play that song we all know and love!





[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Ice Cube[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get this post season party started! My next guest is the hip hop legend himself. His latest album is called “Everythang’s Corrupt”, you can see him September 20th in Ontario at the Citizens Business Bank Arena. Playing his song “That New Funkadelic”, give it up for the one the only Ice Cube!!!




This is the end of Season 6. I want to thank my crew, my staff, my fans. You guys all rock! I also want to thank all the venues that hosted us as well as our travel partners. I want to thank all of the musical guests for coming on, and I want to thank our Stupidest State venues. Season 7 of the Top 10 will start June 12th and we will be in El Paso for our Texas Roadshow! See you in 3 weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UCLA Choir Club, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Ice Cube Appears Courtesy Of: Interscope Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 15, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-18: How To Lose A Billion In 10 Days Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-18: How To Lose A Billion In 10 Days Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Sign up today and get 4 free phones and unlimited gigs on our super fast 4G LTE network! We are back everybody! And it’s good to be home too! We’ve been on the road for a while and had an absolutely great time. But now the time has come where we need to return home and close out this season! Season 7 is going to be very exciting which will include our big Texas roadshow and our university tour. So we need to talk about the sinking ship known as the Los Angeles Lakers. They were a basketball team. They had some of the greatest players of all time and used to win championships. You might have heard of them. Ask your parents. You know that thing that happens when you hit rock bottom? Well the Lakers most certainly did that. after making waves signing LeBron, you would have thought they were going to win championships again. Instead it’s literally been everything but that. But my favorite thing were the two high school guys who they interviewed who went down to the protest who were like “we should be in school but this is more important”. And then the people who said they should hire LaVar Ball. Really? You really want to go there? I mean if you want to see a disaster, look no further than the LA Lakers. We may have to do a deep dive on the sinking ship known as the Lakers next week for “I Need A Drink”. But for now just consider the fact that there were only 30 people at the protest and it made national news. Yes, to quote Tobias Funke, there are dozens of us! Dozens!!!! OK that’s enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first we have to play John Oliver’s dissection of the Green New Deal, which conservatives probably didn’t read:



Ladies and gentlemen, returning to the #1 slot this week is the guy who we currently call president, Donald J. Trump (1)! WOOOOOOOOO!!! So the New York Times dropped a bombshell about Trump’s taxes – his ass is broke! But… fake news!!! in the second slot this week is Donald Trump Jr (2), and he is in some deep shit after being subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee. And he’s refusing to go quietly! In the 3rd slot this week, is anyone really *THAT* surprised that the guy who took money to build Trump’s wall (3) is a con artist? Yeah neither are we. In the 4th slot this week, it’s the anniversary of Melania Trump’s (4) Be Best anti-bullying campaign, and has it had a positive effect on schools? Well, judging by the content of her husband’s character and tweets, not really. Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, and this week there’s a bizarre twist in measles outbreaks that are happening all over the country. Is an old episode of the Brady Bunch from 1969 fueling anti vaxxer hysteria? Hey, measles are fun! In the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and our resident pastor is perplexed that his fellow zealots are heading to New York to protest outside of Hillary Clinton’s home, because Q. Really. In the 7th slot this week is a new How Is This Still A Thing? (7). Yay! We haven’t done one of these in a while. Giant corporations lecturing us about personal expenses – how is this still a thing and why do our corporate masters keep getting away with it? In the 8th slot this week we are going to debut a new segment called “This Will Work! FACT!” (8). So this week on the day Uber goes public, drivers are planning to strike for better wages and working conditions, and we will show them how they can get the upper hand on management. This will work. FACT! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is People Are Dumb, because of course they are! And finally we’re in the home stretch of our Stupidest State Contest! It’s time for the Final Four, and we’re live at the home of the USC Trojans, the fabulous Galen Center for all the action! Georgia. Wisconsin. Florida. Alabama. Two of these teams will advance. The other two will go home. Plus we have some live music for you from the legendary Bad Religion! Really buy their new album “Age Of Unreason” or you are no friend of this program. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So Trump is still frothing at the mouth crazy over the Mueller report that came that close to nailing his illegal and potentially fraudulent election results. But what is he hiding? Innocent people don’t gloat about how they almost got indicted. Well his public enemy number one – the Fake News New York Times, got a hold of his tax returns from 1985 – 1994. Yeah it might be old news but you know what that did? It revealed something very shocking about your favorite president – his ass is broke! Yes, the guy who gave us the Art Of The Deal and many failed businesses spent like a drunken sailor. But Trump doesn’t drink. Well here’s how it happened.





Holy shit!!!! How does one go that broke that quickly? Was he watching a romantic comedy called “How To Lose A Billion In 10 Days”? And I could totally see Matthew McConaughey playing Trump in that role too. And if it’s this bad, what is it going to take to get those tax returns? Especially when our current Treasury Secretary is doing his best impression of the heckler from Happy Gilmore. You will not see these tax returns, jackass!!!





You will not see these tax returns, jackass!!!! And yes, John Oliver’s evil doppleganger does have a point – they run the show. And they will be like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown, except Lucy kicks Charlie in the ribs when he’s lying in the ground and spits in his face. You know, just to rub salt in the wound. Just like the sado-masochists they are. And how are they further rubbing salt in the wound?





He’s actually probably right about that – the voters probably don’t give a shit about his tax returns but you know what didn’t happen? He didn’t win a fucking election because he didn’t release them! But don’t think that this isn’t over. Hell no, it’s not over by a long shot! In fact it’s just getting started and it seems like it’s going to be a long up hill battle. If Trump’s got nothing to hide, then why doesn’t he release them?






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump Jr.
[br] [/font] [br]

Well if they can’t get the father, they can probably get the second worst thing to bear the name Donald Trump – his son, Donald Trump Jr.. And how did they reach this point? This is one of those times where we may have to start backwards and work our way to how we got here. Of course you know that Trump loves him some loyalty. But what if Don Jr goes and squeals? I can guarantee that’s the thing that a mob boss like Trump would absolutely hate. Especially if it is coming from his own blood. So why is Trump Jr’s subpoena so important?





And Trump does love him some loyalty. So his men could sit around drinking beer in their underpants, and it would not at all be out of place for this administration. But so is throwing your people, or people who you consider to be your people, like Lindsay Graham for instance, under the bus.





Yeah you know the more you try to skirt around the issue, Trump, the guiltier you look. I mean you could silence all this tomorrow and just admit guilt at something. But seriously what the fuck are they hiding? And who is aiding him in avoiding the subpoena? And why is he not backing down? And why is my voice getting so high??? So many questions!





Except that there won’t be any bad court thingys where you’re going Trump, prison. But what we should be looking at is not Russian Collusion, but why the GOP went from hating Trump and Trump Jr. to being his protector in all of this madness. The secret? They’re all in on it!!!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Go Fund Me Wall Guy
[br] [/font] [br]

Here’s a question that I have – why are Trump fans so gullible? And here’s another question that I have – how many times must they get conned before they wake up and realize that they are being conned? I think I have the answer to the second question – all. They must get conned all the times. They’re like the guy on Animal House who gets repeatedly spanked and keeps saying “Thank you sir may I have another?” So that being said, is anyone really that surprised that the guy who started the Go Fund Me account to buy a $1 million yacht? You mean I’m not! Thank god!!! Here’s how it went down.





So Trump supporters – you just got conned by a charismatic ex-Marine with 3 prosthetic limbs! Yeah seriously don’t fuck around with that guy. But I just love watching Trump supporters blow their money on ridiculous causes like the wall. You mean to tell me this wasn’t a shady enterprise? I mean if you believe that I’ve got 500 bot accounts that follow @realDonaldTrump to sell you! I don’t know who I should be more disgusted at here – this former Marine taking advantage of people or the people who got taken advantage of? Eh… it’s a two way street.





Eh… not really. Trump supporters are quite the gullible bunch. Us liberals? We know some bullshit when we see it. But did they really learn their lesson? No. Because if this guy didn’t take their millions only to do nothing with it, somebody else would have, damn it! And I should have known that this story takes place in Florida. I mean only in Florida would something like this happen!





Well then you’re not going to like this either. Because when any horrible decision like this comes along, someone always gets hurt, and of course Mr. Kolfage is now firing back at his detractors who are saying that he’s misusing his money. Gee, ya think? Maybe you should do some research before you start just blindly funneling money to people on Go Fund Me!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Be Best
[br] [/font] [br]

Remember when Sarah Palin famously asked Obama these words: “So how’s that hopey changey thing going for you?”. Well now it’s our turn to ask Trump – “How’s that Be Best thing going for you?”. Be Best… I mean seriously. Bullying is nothing to fuck around with – people get killed over it and kids die at a young age because of it. But you know who shouldn’t be in charge of such a tricky to navigate subject like this? The Trump Family! I mean this is about as empty of a gesture as you can get as our current president is the biggest bully on the planet. I wouldn’t be surprised if he beats other kids up for their lunch money just for fun.





Seriously - a Trump stopping bullying is like a telemarketing company going on a crusade against robo dialers. You know they're part of the problem so why take anything they say seriously? Thank you audience! So what has Be Best accomplished? Well it’s accomplished a whole lot of nothing.





You know, Melania, not to nit pick here, but if online safety is your biggest concern, have you seen your husband’s twitter account lately? I’m just saying that you might want to take a peak over there because he says some pretty nasty shit, and his followers back it up and pour it on. So just how little has Be Best accomplished? Well it hasn’t really accomplished anything!





I just love that Melania Trump went to Africa to go to third world countries on the same day that her husband called them “shithole countries”. I mean remember that? it even inspired the Shithole version of our World Tour way back last year. Hey although unlike Melania Trump, we at least consistently put out fresh content for you on a weekly basis, am I right audience? Although it truly boggles the mind that a Trump would want to keep kids fair and balanced because he knows a thing or two about that!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Brady Bunch Vs Anti Vaxxers
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates.



Measles outbreaks are happening all over the country. As such, scientists and doctors are tracing the origins of the resurgence of this horrifying disease. While the anti-vaccination crowd is largely to blame, people are trying to figure out what’s fueling anti-vaccination hysteria. But would you ever guess that an episode of the classic sitcom the Brady Bunch was fueling the hysteria? Anti-vaccination crusaders may be upping their game when it comes to the hysteria and harassment, but this takes things to whole new levels of extreme. And it’s hard to take them seriously when you find this out.





Ha ha ha, measles are so much fun! It’s just a day off school don’t you know? Now this brings up an interesting question – should we trust all of our medical advice to sitcoms? Well if you even have to ponder the answer to this question, you’re an idiot. But then again anti-vaccination crusaders are the kind of people who take what’s said on TV way too seriously.





Well if you give someone the measles you probably wont get any friends. In fact the number of cases of the measles is so severe that it’s a few hundred away from reaching epidemic proportions. But really this is something to be concerned about, and anti-vaccination people should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.





Yes in fact that’s the reaction that you should give someone who says that they don’t believe in vaccines and that they won’t get their children vaccinated because of fears of autism. In fact this is so outrageous and stupid that you can’t begin to fathom the ire that is coming from the creators and stars of the actual Brady Bunch. They aren’t having any of it.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.


[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know I have been monitoring a potentially nasty situation happening in Chappequa, New York. That of course is the home of the woman who should currently be our president, Hillary Clinton. Instead we are stuck with the Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken under any circumstances in my church!!! Now those of you may have friends and / or loved ones who support the Dark One. But they are up to some really shady activities. Do they really need to go to New York to demand Hillary Clinton’s arrest? NO!!!! Thank you! You know that is the one and only correct answer, all others shall be cast out! What is going on???





Now Brother Dave, do you have any evidence at all that Hillary Clinton is guilty? Do you have anything that supports this claim of the almighty GAWD? No? Then maybe you are the one who is spitting in the face of our good LAWRD JAYSUS!!!! But it gets weirder, apparently this is an ultimatum from the good LAWRD JAYSUS!! But no, Dave, GAWD does not speak in that kind of tone!





So here’s the thing, Dave, you might want to channel your obsession into something a bit more healthier. Because this is quite literally insane. You and whoever listens to your show are lit by a spark, but it didn’t explode! Instead it’s a sparkler! You know it kind of fizzles out after a while. But you know they can’t kill us all!! I heard a guy say that on TV once!





And that is true, no one does say those things! But this begs the question – does Brother Dave not know the definition of the word “equal”? I mean how can he claim that someone is “more equal” than him? It is easy – there is no such thing!!!! Cause according to GAWD and our good book, we are all the LAWRD’s children! But this might be my favorite thing said about this whole failed social experiment. I mean you just can’t make this stuff up!





Why yes, Brother Dave, we do think that you are crazy! You call yourself a coach and preach in front of a blank stadium backdrop. I call myself a pastor but I have a real audience and congregation to show for it!!! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing?
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time once again to ask:



This week – giant corporations lecturing us about personal expenditures. How is this still a thing? In the modern era when literally everything costs money, there are a lot of ways that you could very easily blow it all. But do you really need Chase Bank or Delta Airlines lecturing you about how something costs too much money when their CEOs and corporate executives make hundreds of millions of dollars? We don’t think so. In fact their “Monday Motivation” post is really reminding people how much they hate big banks.





Yes, we don’t need your bad financial advice, Chase. We need actual money. Bills. Dinero. Moola. Cash. Do re mi. Your financial advice is kind of a slap in the face to those who don’t need any more of it, we need to take action instead. Thankfully there’s Elizabeth Warren who actually slapped Chase back and told them what needed to be said.





Yes, and if Chase’s advice was bad enough, Delta Airlines came along and said “hold my beer”. Yes, Chase wasn’t the only corporation giving us extremely terrible advice about our personal spending habits. Delta upped the ante and said that paying union dues was the same as spending money on video games. You peasants will take your penance and like it!





Yes, we all need some money now. And there’s not enough of it to go around. So why is this so important? Well, in an era of extremely gross and ever expanding income inequality, you need to know where your money goes. Well, it’s going to the top. And they are making a lot of it. If Delta and Chaase giving you bad financial advice is making you cringe, just wait until you see how much their executives are being paid.





So the CEO of Chase Bank makes 1000 times more than their average worker while the average Chase employee can’t afford rent. That’s enough to make you ask – giant corporations lecturing us about personal expenses:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Uber and Lyft
[br] [/font] [br]



We’ve been discussing our ever-decreasing wages and our ever-increasing corporate greed a lot this week. And for good reason – our bosses are getting richer by the minute, and we’re getting poorer by the minute. And as we’re working on this week’s edition, guess what? America’s two biggest ride sharing services – Uber and Lyft are getting ready to file their IPOs. Which means there’s some executives that are going to get a whole lot richer. But what will work? What will help the struggling Uber drivers get the upper hand in their negotiations against management? Well there’s plenty of solutions out there. But before we get into that, what are they striking for?





I think the bigger question there is why does this guy have a foot growing out of his head? So Uber and Lyft drivers are striking against our corporate masters because they feel that they’re being cheated out of wages on the day that the company stands to make billions. But of course like all good plans, this one was poorly organized and begs the question that there’s always two sides to every strike.





So Uber drivers are unhappy that their company is about to make billions and their execs millions and leave them in the dust. They don’t want much – just to be able to, I don’t know, make a wage that enables them to afford the ever-increasing rent in this country! But striking will work, fact! You know what won’t work? A change in the infrastructure! But really doesn’t anyone just walk anymore?





You know doesn’t anyone just walk anymore? And there’s also these things called “taxis”, they were the original ride share service. You summoned them by using this “app” that was called “your hand”. It’s that thing that you use to control your smart device. We use them for other things, you know! And they would come to you! But guess what? The strikes worked! Well, sort of. The Uber executives were utterly terrified at the fact that their corporate minions were striking. This will work, FACT!!!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And I love these stories because they never disappoint. So who is stupid this week? Well I want to start with of course the Sunshine State, and I love this story. Would you put something like “I Eat Ass” on the back of your car or truck? No? Well, keep in mind that this is Florida. And this story does have a happy ending. No, not that kind of happy ending, sir! But this guy not only did that, he got arrested for it! Seriously, we have this thing called “free speech” in this country. Well let’s roll it and then we will show the picture of a truck.





Oh come on, I’ve seen way worse than that! And if you’re going to eat ass, well… well I probably shouldn’t finish that sentence. Next up – sticking with the Sunshine State, we go to the city of Punta Gorda. OK I have a lot of questions about this one. Who wakes up in the morning and says “I’m going to carry live alligators in my pants?”. And second, how does one go about doing that without getting a large chunk of their leg bitten off? Well, that’s what happened here, and it is insane.





That’s a totally different kind of gator for you! Next up – we go from killer gators to killer fish. Which are piranhas, don’t you know? Well maybe don’t bring them through customs when you go to the airport, because you will get questioned by the police. And it wasn’t just one or two, it was 40! 40 piranhas through LAX customs! They must be some pretty tasty fish!





And that is true, I heard a guy on TV say that once. Next up – remember the insane ending of the Kevin Smith flick Clerks II? Where Randal calls in a bestiality party for Dante and all hell breaks loose? Well these guys had a donkey, they also had a horse, a dog, a chicken, a pig and tons of other farm animals, and well, really, don’t do this.





Yeah let’s… actually hope that never happens. Finally this week for People Are Dumb – we go South Of The Border. Yes, even in Mexico, they are not immune from stupid people. If you’re spying on your ex lover, maybe don’t go somewhere that you can’t escape from. Kind of like the Aztec Tomb from Arrested Development.





That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Final Four
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



We are in the home stretch folks! Last week Wisconsin stunned a very strong Michigan showing with a last minute 3 pointer that sends them into the Final Four! And this week – it’s the Final Four! We have all four corners of conservative insanity represented. God, guns, greed, and batshit. Let’s introduce our teams! In the Gun Nut Conference – we have Florida! Representing the Family Values Conference – Alabama! Representing the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, we have Wisconsin! And last but certainly not least, representing the Batshit Conference – Georgia! Four of these teams will tangle, two will move on to the championship!!! We’re live at the home of the USC Trojans, the fabulous Galen Center in downtown Los Angeles for all the action action action! We will have the matchups and the net cutting ceremonies! Who will win? Who will go home? We will find out! Let’s get out those brackets!

:large

[font size="4"]Wisconsin Vs Georgia[/font]

[font size="4"]Wisconsin[/font]


Last week Wisconsin stunned a strong Michigan to win the Fiscal Irresponsibility conference. This time they’re taking on a super strong Georgia who also defeated a long time conference favorite. So this week for the Layover League championship, we’re going to focus on something that these two states have in common – jobs. Yes, we all have jobs (hopefully) and those of us who don’t have jobs definitely need them to survive. So how are things going on that front in the state known for its’ amazing cheese?





Yeah except that might be difficult to do. We’ve been talking about how Trump is trying to lure Chinese mega manufacturing conglomerate Foxconn to Wisconsin since the tournament started but there’s plenty of other jobs available in the Badger State. Except not really especially if you read all the doom and gloom in the media. But would you be surprised at all that Trump is lying about how well the Wisconsin economy is doing? Well we aren’t either.





[font size="4"]Georgia[/font]


That guy makes a good point! And just like Wisconsin unseated a long time champion of the conference, Georgia just routed Kentucky to win the Batshit Conference based on stolen elections and anti-abortion insanity. So what have they been up to in the jobs department? Well the good news is that they have experienced a lot of blowback and fallout from the “Heartbeat Bill” that is one of several in the nation, and how is it affecting the Georgia economy? Well there’s lots of things that are happening.





Well yes, true. But since the current motto of the GOP is “go fuck yourself”, there’s plenty of things that can definitely go wrong, and Georgia’s governor Brian Kemp returned the favor by postponing an event in Los Angeles. Which is kind of good because he can definitely get the fuck out. Maybe the Hollywood of the East Coast will finally wake up if it starts hurting them in the pocketbook?



[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! And it was a no brainer – Wisconsin wins the Layover League championship against Georgia by an overwhelming score of 81 – 70. Wisconsin moves on, Georgia leaves the court defeated. Cut the net guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Florida Vs Alabama[/font]

[font size="4"]Florida[/font]


Ah, Florida. Where would we be without the legendary Florida Man? Well last time the Sunshine State stunned Oregon and absolutely routed them. But they are facing some seriously stiff competition from the Yellowhammer State. And just like we focused on the economy in the last matchup, this time we’re going to focus on something the two states have in common: white supremacy. Yes, Florida may be the home of Florida Man, but Alabama is the original home of the Ku Klux Klan! Who will come out on top?





Yeah so that entire thing is really a white supremacist fuck you to states that do allow sanctuary cities, and this whole war on that concept is really a new thing. And by the way we do have to mention that Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis is a raging white supremacist. And he just gave one of his primary donors, the NRA, a huge thank you. And expect school shootings to get a whole lot worse.





[font size="4"]Alabama[/font]


Why does Alabama’s flag always look like it’s about to be rejected from something? I mean it’s just a giant red X. Not really that creative. But just like Florida, people think it’s all about the children, but in reality they couldn’t give less of a shit about children. So we do have to touch on Alabama’s extremely controversial abortion ban and it looks like it’s going to be a complete shit show.





This is why every single vote matters!! It doesn’t matter what position it is for! If it is up for a vote, vote for it. Otherwise we get religious psychopaths in charge who want to tear down the barriers between church and state and we get shit like this as a result. Next week we’ll go full in on this subject but for now here’s how this can get you in trouble.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Here it is folks, all the marbles. We have less than a minute left to go in the game, score is tied at 93 points a piece. Florida has the ball and passes it to Florida Man… wait, what’s he doing? He’s getting on that forklift and riding it out to the center… oh my god, he falls off the forklift! Oh the humanity! Florida Man is out, Alabama makes the final shot and wins it 96 – 93! Florida Man does it again! Alabama celebrates on the court and leaves happy! Cut the net guys, you earned it!



[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week it’s the grand finale! We are live at the home of the UCLA Bruins, the winningest program in NCAA history, the legendary Pauley Pavilion in Westwood, California at UCLA! Wisconsin. Alabama. One of these two teams will win, the other will go home! We will have the matchups, crown our winner with the net cutting ceremony, the champagne celebration, and of course One Shining Moment! Stay tuned!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Bad Religion[/font]

My next guest is a legendary punk rock band, you can see them August 17th at the Hollywood Palladium, their latest album is called “Age Of Unreason”. Playing their song “My Sanity”, give it up for the one the only Bad Religion!!!




See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: UCB Theater Franklin St, Hollywood, CA
Special Thanks To: UCB Theater Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: New Life Band, Westwood, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Greta Van Fleet Appear Courtesy Of: Republic Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 8, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-17: The C Word Minus The C Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-17: The C Word Minus The C Edition



Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Montana? How you doing? You guys doing fucking good??? So for those of you watching at home, you might be wondering why the hell are we doing a show in Montana? Well I answer your question with another question – why not? I mean I am fully aware that this the state that elected and reelected Greg Gianforte, because, fuck you. But there are good liberals here, and that’s who we pander to! So I reached out to the good folks at Big Sky Brewery, and they obliged! So let’s raise a glass of whatever beer you’re drinking! Cheers! Do we have time for the thing? So while half of us have already seen Avengers: Endgame, the other half of us are busy watching Game Of Thrones. Now as someone who knows next to nothing about Game Of Thrones, and those of us who don’t, I do know something about people who commit mistakes and egregious errors, because we’ve done that from time to time. But whoever the stage hand or key grip responsible for this complete good might want to take a page from Southwest’s ad campaign and maybe get away for a while. You know what? Can we show that?



I cant imagine that cup of latte has the name “Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons”. But really yeah you might want to get away for a while until this gaff blows totally over. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first I have to play the clip of Saturday Night Live last week where Adam Sandler’s Opera Man character was brought back:

&t=167s

Wow, where do we begin this week? Well in the first slot is White Supremacists (1). So they won’t stop hounding Facebook over this bizarre “shadow banning” theory, so guess what? They went ahead and actually banned white supremacists! But were they in their right to do so? We will discuss. In the second slot this week it’s the return of the Trumper Games!! Yes our host is back and he will explain how Tribute Rosenstein (2) from the 2nd District, has resigned one step away from the president himself straight up firing him! Taking the third slot this week, is Bill Barr (3). Whew. His testimony last week on Capitol Hill was the stuff of pure insanity and we will do our best to sort through the madness. In the fourth slot this week is the guy who we still call president, Donald J. Trump (4) and he picks the weirdest battles – like the Kentucky Derby, who after the latest snafu in bad sports officiating, overturned a victory in the biggest sports race of the year. Of course Trump wouldn’t know anything about following the rules, would he? In slot #5, is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week there’s been a study done about an absolutely alarming rise in sexual assaults in the military, and we will find out what’s up. Also, trust us, we will keep this piece tasteful. In the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and our president and vice president recently made the claim that people are talking about God and Jesus more than they ever have, but was it ever OK not to? Our resident pastor will examine this claim. In the seventh slot this week, we’re all gonna die (7). I couldn’t love this story more. The Scientology Sea Org vessel was set to sail off the coast of St. Lucia, but can’t leave port because they are being quarantined for – wait for it – a measles outbreak. We’re all gonna die!!!! In the 8th slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (8). Is it OK for giant mega corporations like Burger King to tell us what to think and how to feel through products? Yeah we thought so too. And in the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week, is “I Need A Drink” (9). We’re at a brewery, so we are going to drink some beers and tell you about how Woodstock 50 is an even bigger fail than the Fyre Festival was! And our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues with the final round of week 2! This week it’s a battle of the beltway to see who can go for broke as Michigan takes on Wisconsin to win the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference! The winner takes the last slot in the Final Four. It’s getting exciting! Plus we have some live music for you from the great X Ambassadors! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Facebook
[br] [/font] [br]

Conservatives have been ultra paranoid about getting their accounts banned from Facebook and other social media sites. In fact they’ve been in a circular firing squad with social media since Alex Jones last year created the “shadow banning” theory. Well guess what? There’s no such thing as shadow banning, you dumbasses. It’s called “following the rules” and every time you post those poorly photoshopped images of Hillary pooping her pants or that Michelle Obama is a man in drag? Guess what? You violate those rules! So how does one get banned from Facebook? Well if you’re Alex Jones or Milo Yiannopolous for instance, relatively easy!





So is this a good thing or a bad thing that Facebook is banning white supremacists and other, shall we say non kosher points of view? Well let’s play Devil’s Advocate and look at both sides of the situation for a minute. On one hand when you start censoring, you get in to a slippery slope that is a very tricky one to navigate. But on the other hand, fuck Nazis and white supremacists. And guess which side Trump is on? Well…





I can only imagine that’s what Trump is like when he tweets. Good good!!! But here’s the thing – James Woods and Alex Jones both, um, I don’t know, threatened to murder people! You don’t get to do that and have social media be like “this is fine!!”. Leave it to Trump to throw a tank of kerosene onto a burning building.





Yeah what are you monitoring exactly, Trump? I mean the second the government steps into censorship, they effectively end the first amendment – which was designed against that sort of thing, and they step in a big steaming pile of shit. Oh by the way if you think the alarming rise of white supremacy and anti-semitism is an American problem, well I got news for ya. It’s a global problem and it’s affecting the entire world!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The Trumper Games
[br] [/font] [br]



Hey everyone I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! Oh yes my pretties, it has been a while. All has been quiet on the presidential front! Until last week when Tribute Rosenstein from the 2nd District resigned! And that is significant because the president was just going to straight up fire his ass anyways! But as long as supporters of the president are still supporting him, we will keep doing this. And where is my champagne? What? You mean Charlie left? Damn it! So who is my new assistant? Oh hello, this is my new assistant Nathaniel. Say hello to the people! Now bring me some champagne! I don’t care if it’s the cheap stuff. So why did Tribute Rosenstein resign? Well there’s plenty of reasons.





Oh I am sorry I didn’t hear you over the sound of “you’re being fired”. It’s resigned? Damn it Charlie!! I think I am starting to see why Charlie left. I must be nicer to my new assistant. Nathaniel may you bring me a glass of libations please? Graci! Now that Tribute Rosenstein has been released from the Games, what’s next for the Mueller Report? Well the GOP currently is in “nothing to see here, please disperse” mode.





Yes, Tribute Barr – the replacement for Tribute Sessions – has been quietly working to bury the report that could indict the President ! I mean what’s next? You know think of this like the school bully who hires the nerdy kid to write the book report that gets him an “A”. That’s exactly what Trump is paying Barr to do! So what happened with Russian hacking? It’s only the tip of the ice berg!





Yes, yes it does! Especially here, am I right audience??? But Rosenstein claims that he’s trying to “land the plane”. Don’t try to land the plane when the passengers are steering it right into the mountain! Horrible analogy I know! But that doesn’t matter when every good mob boss, like our president, for instance, has a cleaner. Yes, they are trying to change the ship and doing a very bad job of it. But for now, consider Tribute Rosenstein… ELIMINATED!!!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Bill Barr
[br] [/font] [br]

You know think of the Barr Report the way you think of the way the dumb kid tries to write an actual school book report. You know Trump didn’t read the whole report. I mean come on, it’s 400 pages, ain’t nobody got time for that! And you know that he didn’t read past the words “no collusion”. So he had Barr write the summary of the report that gets him an A. Like you do. I’m sure that everyone saw that insane footage of the testimony where he ate a day old bucket of KFC that was left for him as, what’s meant to be an insult. Come on, this is the Trump administration here. They’re insulted by nothing! So what is the latest on Barr?





I can imagine that’s what happens to the members of this administration whenever any one of them speaks on a daily basis. But of course he’s lying and fuming. I mean he’s paid by Donald Trump to be a professional liar. Ethics? What are those? They keep saying that word but they don’t know what it means. Barr doesn’t look like an ethical man. He looks like he’s impersonating Walter Sobchak from the Big Lebowski!





That is a good question sir! Why are you always lying? And why are they lying literally all the time every single time? Once they hit 10,000 lies they can’t stop. I mean when they hit 20,000 lies do they get a free dessert with purchase? Well, they could always lie about that. But seriously you know what they say about what to do when you’re already in a hole? Stop digging!!!





Except that they don’t. They don’t know they are losing because they think that they are the ones who are winning all the time. Kind of like any team who thinks they can play Boston in a title game – they think they can win, but you know they won’t. And that’s when they pick the guy with the worst statistics to try and hit that game winner. Which is where Bill Barr comes in, and uh yeah he’s the guy who can do it!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Before we get into the latest stupid fight that Trump chooses to pick, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the epic officiating scandal that happened at the Kentucky Derby. So the horse named “Maximum Security” plowed his way to the top of the course and then got disqualified. Which of course resulted in a huge officiating SNAFU. And then of course, Trump was watching and managed to rear his ugly tweets at the Derby. Can’t he just shut up for once? Because not only was Trump not truthful (read lying), everything he touches turns to shit!





Wow, that got dark fast! So how did Trump ruin one of our nation’s oldest and most institutionalized sporting events? Well, can we throw that tweet up there?



That’s the actual, unedited tweet. Now let’s put it this way – Trump is an Unt. Yeah he’s the C word minus the C. Which actually makes the impact of that word a lot more palatable. So just how much did the Trump tweet fuck up the Kentuky Derby? Yeah that typo is intentional! Just like most of everything Trump does.





Thank you Walter! And you know if Trump is this dishonest about even the most simple things like watching a horse race, what else is he dishonest on? Well I would hate to attend the watch party at Mar-A-Shithole, because imagine how that must be going? I would think we would get to see Trump’s charitable contributions at work. He said, sarcastically. Oh wait.





That doesn't surprise me in the least. Trump seems like the kind of guy who would go to a funeral and send the family of the deceased a bill for his travel expenses. But then again that's why he doesn't get invited anywhere! This is another example of Trump shooting his mouth off where it doesn’t belong and it will always get him in trouble.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Assaults In The Military
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



In the last 5 years there has been an alarming rise in sexual assaults in the military. It’s nothing to joke about either and we will try to keep this piece tasteful. But what’s fueling the rise in assaults? Like everything else it starts at the top. Especially when we elect a president who has a sorted history of sexual assault. But is it because it’s easier than ever to report? Or is it something else that could cause such a rise in such a horrible statistic?





Yup sounds about right. But 20,500 service members is a shockingly high number across all five branches of the military! Just one should be alarming. However, 20,000??? Right now, the United States currently has no Secretary Of Defense, thanks to the Trump administration. So the head boss who would normally be overseeing such insight is nowhere to be found.





And that is a good point. But when there’s no head of the department to give orders, what exactly happens then? Well, the Pentagon is attempting to crack down on such extremely horrible behavior, but it appears that the beatings will continue until morale improves.





Well, we probably should start thinking about tomorrow. Because if the military is in that kind of shambles over this sort of thing, what message does it send to future generations? Is there a way to eradicate it? Is there a cure for it? This is something that whoever runs against President Trump needs to address in 2020. And there’s already solutions but nothing has been implemented yet.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Montana, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation!!! You know last week we had a holy day. That day was the National Day Of Prayer for GAWD’s watchful eye over this great nation! But some – particularly the unholy, ungodly Dark One and his minion servants take it to extremes. Now should we allow someone who does the Devil’s Work to preach to us about what is godly or ungodly? I say no!!! But then again I am reminded that one of our most popular bands right now sings songs about Satan and performs in front of a cathedral backdrop, so it goes without saying. But, however, that is utter hypocrisy, and I think that the good LAWRD JAYSUS hated the hypocrites! Why is the Dark One suddenly talking about the LAWRD?





You know that brings up a good point – GAWD hears all and sees all, but when the ungodly talk to him about things he doesn’t want to hear, like the fake War On Christmas that nobody wanted or even still cares about, that is considered heresy of the highest order!!!! But is the Dark One a poser or is he the real thing? No, he’s a poser. Just look at what he said about the Poway shooting.





Yes because the good LAWRD, while he not judgeth less ye be judged… oh who am I kidding? Uhb… Rabbi Goldstein? Sir? You’re standing literally right next to the guy who is responsible for the rise in anti-Semitism that is plaguing this fair land of ours!!! Can I get an amen??? But which GAWD is the Dark One referring to? Is he referring to the wise, caring and just GAWD that we worship here? Or is he referring to the dark GAWD from the Old Testament? Yeah I think it’s the latter.





And you know that verse is in our good book! Because really why do they keep brining up GAwD when it is apparent that they really know nothing about how the good LAWRD works? He seeks to unify us, not divide us! And that is why if they bring up GAWD in the public square, they need not be shunned. But while the rest of us pray for our forgiveness, he prays for himself. So do we really want him telling us that it’s OK to say GAWD again?





And that is true! I know since the Dark One has assumed power, I have been using his name a lot more, and in ways I shant repeat in my church! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die! Woooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Woooooooo!!!! Wooo. Woo. So how are we gonna die this week? There’s plenty of reasons from fiery plane crashes to alarming rises in overall global temperatures killing life as we know it to deadly diseases coming back strong after being eradicated 50 years ago. We’re going to talk about the latter this week and I couldn’t love this more, because it’s really a coming together of two bullshit causes – Scientology and anti-vaccination crusaders. It’s created a melting pot, you know, like when the T1000 melts together and becomes one giant super robot. So how did this happen? And where is it going from here? Well we’re all gonna die.





That is a good point there! Bullshit is everywhere and this is the coming together of two very different types of bullshit. And it wasn’t just their Sea Org cruise vessel, they’re still there. Yes there’s enough cases of the measles to keep that boat parked there for a long time. Yeah, really, fuck you anti vaccination crusaders. And by the way, Sea Org isn’t just a cruise line, it’s also a slave labor camp!





I got news for you, Christianity! While you are busy *PLANNING* the apocalypse, Scientology might be one step ahead of you! And it’s not going to be a nuclear Armageddon that’s going to kill us all, a second plague consisting of a measles outbreak brought about by idiots is far more likely! So how do we rid ourselves of this nuisance that we originally rid ourselves of? Well, let’s look to Germany for starters.





Hey Germany, if you think throwing money at a problem is going to make it go away, you have obviously never met Americans. We pay our $100,000 health care tabs and proudly go for broke trying, because fuck socialism! But you really want to know the scary thing? That luxury boat / slave ship isn’t going anywhere, it could be parked and quarantined for weeks. So yeah, we, and by “we”, I mean “they” might actually all die.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Drive Thru Therapy
[br] [/font] [br]



There’s lots of things you can count on. Death. Taxes. Southern white guys like Jeff Sessions getting “the vapors”, Donald Trump misspelling something completely stupid. And there’s also corporations telling you how to think and feel through their products. This is about that very thing, because if there’s one thing I want, it’s corporations telling me how I should think and feel. So Burger King is taking things to extremes and playing a drive thru therapist. Think of it like that movie Inside Out. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you extremely pissed off to where only Lewis Black can properly express how you really feel?





That is the ultimate PR fuck you by the way. It’s one thing to say “We understand that not everybody is happy all the time”. It’s another thing to say “Burger King understands that not everybody is happy all the time”. It’s inserting advertising crap where there doesn’t need to be any. I would just get the pissed off meal all the time not only just to fuck with them, but I’m also fucking pissed we have that guy in the White House! It’s a good reason why they’re doing this – raising awareness for mental health. But then again when you add the advertising angle it really loses all meaning. So is this a good thing?





Whoa, that guy is pissed off! But sorry Burger King and Dennys, you may serve us lunch and corporations may be people since the George Bush administration, but you aren’t our friends! Although cheers to all the angry loners out there who might think corporations want to be your friends, and corporations are people in this day and age. But guess what? They’re not your friends. They’re out to make a buck and that’s about it. Here’s the thing – depression is a serious mental illness that should be taken very seriously. When you add advertising garbage to it, it fucks it up.





Hey hey don’t cry! It’s kind of what we do here – tear apart bullshit whether it’s in marketing or politics, and this is exactly that – grade A bullshit. Here’s the thing – raising awareness of the collective mental health of this country? A great cause. Using it to hawk your bullshit garbage? Not! Maybe it’s just time to turn off social media for a while. Your device has an “off switch” you know!






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Montana we’re at a brewery and I really need a drink!



So you know the idea behind this segment is that too much talking about politics and everything else that goes on in the world causes us to drink. But we have a rule here at the Top 10 – while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the world as long as it doesn’t relate to politics, because mixing drinking and politics never ends well. Tell me bartender – what goes well with a music festival fail? Really? You don’t have any suggestions for that? Why don’t you bring over a couple of pitchers of IPAs? Oh yeah that’s the stuff! Two years ago, we went through the epic fail that was the Fyre Festival, and it was a colossal fail. Now this year the 50th anniversary of Woodstock also crashed and burned. So how did it happen?





Of course it’s executive drunk! It’s like regular drunk except there’s no bar required. And it’s apparently still slightly OK to drive. But we don’t encourage that here. Getting off topic. So of course we’ve all been burned by bad ticket sales – just ask anyone who attempted to get tickets for the Rolling Stones’ Honk tour, or Metallica’s S&M show in San Francisco. Now what are other ways this could possibly go wrong? Well several!





So is Woodstock 50th anniversary concert an even bigger fail than the Fyre Festival? Well time will certainly tell on that one and you can always judge a fail by the quality of the people behind the fail, but this is my favorite part of the story. What are the odds on the festival’s cancellation? Anyone? Well of course for those compulsive gamblers, Vegas has you covered!





Yeah so if you’re gambling don’t bother with statistics and odds, just go with the flow here, and have another drink. I mean if the odds are that Woodstock 50 is a go, why wouldn’t it be? Oh wait, the show has effectively been cancelled. Well at least the Woodstock 50 people and the Fyre Festival people can maybe trade some notes because they are both are total clusterfucks.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back! If you’ve been following along at home, we are in the home stretch here in the 2019 Stupidest State contest! We’re just a mere three rounds away from calling our champion! Last week we had a major bracket buster as Georgia stunned Kentucky and came back with a last second 3 pointer to win the Batshit Conference championship! This week, it’s a duel to the death of your bank account as two juggernauts in the Beltway go for broke as Michigan takes on Wisconsin for the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship! We’re live at the home of the San Diego State Aztecs, the Viejas Arena in San Diego for all the action action action! Let’s get out those brackets so we can follow along!

:

[font size="4"]Wisconsin Vs Michigan[/font]

[font size="4"]Wisconsin[/font]


When we last saw Wisconsin, they were still trying to court Foxconn to build a gigantic LED factory in the state and Foxconn was holding it in front of their noses the same way that a jockey dangles a carrot in front of a horse. Yes, Foxconn, the Chinese mega conglomerate that manufactures everything we use that has an on / off switch and gave us the iPhone and worker suicide nets. And yes, the state is still going after it!





We’ve been following this situation very closely, and it’s what one would call, I don’t know, a “clusterfuck of epic proportions”. Foxconn says one thing, the Wisconsin GOP says another thing, Trump says another thing… just… AHHH!!!! And let’s move on to other topics, like something Wisconsin shares a border with: lakes! And Republicans there are out to make Madison the next Flint!





And that’s probably a simulation of what the actual color of the water is going to look like once Wisconsin republicans get to it! And in case you’re wondering whether or not we live in the Matrix, well, the Wisconsin GOP just won a crazy order to get all of Scott Walker’s appointees back on the bench. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This is after the Wisconsin GOP staged a coup against the new Democratic senate. Yes, we live in the Matrix, and the Koch Bros are Agent Smith.





[font size="4"]Michigan[/font]


Ah, Michigan. You might be thinking why is Michigan always a contender? They’re generally a democratic state. They have one of the most progressive governors in the country. They have a balanced education system and some of the most popular universities in the entire United States of America. Well, just like a rusty 1969 Chevy Impala, look under the hood because you will see something very frightening lurking underneath! I mean after all this is the state that gave us Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, Blackwater, and governor Rick Snyder. So how is the Wolverine State doing?





Just ask Washington how well their oil pipeline is going, and I would like to tell both states where they can stick their pipelines. I’ll give you a hint – it’s where the sun don’t shine. And by the way remember when I said that Michigan was the home of Betsy DeVos? Well guess what? Her brother Erik Prince, the founder of Blackwater, could be in some very big trouble!





And by the way if you think Agent Smith had his iron grip on Wisconsin, there’s a gerrymandering case going before the Michigan Supreme Court that could mean that we’re all royally fucked. Yes, the GOP could have an iron reign on the Beltway for generations to come. Which means more Foxconn and slave labor factories! I for one welcome our new corporate overlords!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Wow this is a close one! Neither team is going down without a fight! We are into the first overtime with less than a minute to go. Score is 80 – 80 tied. Wisconsin for the 3… IT’S GOOD!!!! Wisconsin wins with a final score of 83 – 80! They are celebrating on the court, they are going to Los Angeles for the Final Four at USC! Michigan walks off the court defeated. Oh my god what a victory!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Here we are folks, it’s time for the Stupidest State Final Four!!! We’re live at the home of the USC Trojans, the fabulous Galen Center in downtown Los Angeles for all the action! In the Flyover League championship, we have two heavyweights – Florida vs Alabama duking it out. While in the Layover League championship, we will have Georgia taking on Wisconsin for the crown! We will have the games and the net cutting ceremonies to look forward to!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]X Ambassadors[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an awesome band from Long Island, New York. You can see them at various festivals across the country including the KROQ Weenie Roast on June 8th. Playing their song called “Boom” from their album ORION out June 14th, give it up for X Ambassadors!



Thank you Montana and the good folks at Big Sky Brewery! This was fun! We’ll be back soon. We’re back home in Hollywood for the remainder of the season. See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Big Sky Brewery, Missoula, MT
Special Thanks To: Big Sky Brewery
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: University Of Montana Choir Club, Missoula, MT
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
X Ambassadors Appear Courtesy Of: Interscope Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

May 1, 2019

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-16: The Gathering Of The Deplorables Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #6-16: The Gathering Of The Deplorables Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up San Diego? You guys doing fucking good? I hope everyone is doing well. I do love San Diego and every time I am here. Maybe the Padres, not so much. Although I’m from just up north on the I-5 and we have the Angels, who I think seem to be fine being in last place. And that’s after we spent $430 million on Mike Trout. Hey if you’re going to go for broke, go for broke! Do we have time for the thing? Good. So did everyone see Avengers: Endgame over the weekend? I unfortunately did not but I definitely plan to. I mean come on it’s the grand finale, and I have invested so much into these characters. So no spoilers please! Although if you’re a certain running back for the Buffalo Bills, you might want to take a break on Twitter for a few days. And I would certainly expect this coming from a guy who calls himself “Lil’ Shady”. But this comes literally the day *AFTER* the Russo Brothers called for people not to spoil Endgame, guess what he does? He goes and spoils Endgame, and well, he wasn’t having any of it. But my favorite part was where he said “I’m done with the Avengers”. Well no fucking duh!!! It’s the finale, everyone is! And of course he was feeling the heat from Bills fans who also happen to be Marvel fans. So yeah Lil’ Shady, you might want to get away for a while. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first Bill Maher is back and he talks about how the bad guys get away with it all. Much like in that movie LA Confidential:



Well where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is the NRA (1) – they had their annual convention in which point Trump spoke in brain fart language to the cult and told him that he was the world’s greatest hostage negotiator. In the second slot this week, is Twitter (2). So @realDonaldTrump met with @Jack and had to be told how many bot accounts follow him, but a Twitter employee has dropped a massive bombshell that destroys the GOP and their “shadow banning” theory! In the third slot this week, is the guy who we currently call president,
Donald Trump (3) and while there was a lot to unpack from his MAGA rally in Wisconsin, his batshit crazy theory about infanticide is what we really need to discuss. Taking the fourth slot this week, we have a new game of "Is It Racist?". So the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Yankees are in hot water for choosing not to use Kate Smith's rendition of God Bless America, because some songs have surfaced with racist undertones, so is it racist? Probably. In the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and we’re going to find out what exactly happened when Otto Warmbier’s body left North Korea and arrived in the United States. Both glorious dictator Kim Jong Un and @realDonaldTrump have very differing opinions on this one! At slot number 6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and one of the hottest presidential candidates in 2020 is the openly gay mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg, but the Christian right isn’t having any of it! Gee, our resident pastor wonders why! In the seventh slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and last week was the 102nd anniversary of the Armenian genocide, and in the wake of the protests last week, really, US government, what’s the fucking holdup? And in the 8th slot this week, is our segment "NO!!”. Operation Varsity Blues won’t seem to go away, and we’re going to show you how you get into America’s higher learning institutions without paying hundreds of thousands of dollars! (Hint: It’s called studying!!). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week we have an all new “People Are Dumb”, because of course they are! And finally this week our quest to find the Stupidest State 2019 continues! This week it’s the Batshit Conference Championship! Kentucky will take on the champions Texas to advance to the Final Four! It’s getting very exciting! Plus we have some live music for the metal heads here from Maryland’s Periphery! Really, buy their new album “Hail Stan” or you are no friend of this show! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]The NRA
[br] [/font] [br]

Here’s a question for you – the NRA. Are they just a gun lobby or are they a hostile intelligence agency bent on upending democracy so they can keep their precious guns? Well considering that they’ve got the 2nd amendment crowd in their hand, I’m assuming the latter. Well before we get into the most alarming news coming out of their annual convention in Indianapolis, we have to talk about some extremely alarming news that may make you think that they are indeed a hostile intelligence agency bent on upending democracy.





Gee for a party that harps on the other side for campaign contributions sure loves them some campaign contributions don’t they? It’s only political if it happens to the other side. Now we got to talk about their annual convention, or you could just call it “The Gathering Of The Deplorables”. It’s kind of like the Gathering Of The Juggalos and both groups involved are just as terrifying! So what went down in Indianapolis exactly?





Because if there's one thing Oliver North knows a thing or two about, it's a failed coup against a hostile insurgency! Yeah so the NRA is infighting amongst themselves. It’s exactly the recipe for a complete and total disaster. And then of course he showed up. It’s literally like everything Trump touches turns to complete shit. So what did he do at the NRA convention? Well he basically said that he’ll pull the US out of the international arms treaty, which means that more weapons will get in the hands of terrorists, because, fuck globalism.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Bye everyone, it was nice knowing you! And you know the scary thing? The deplorables cheerleaded this! Just his logic… AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! So when terrorists start killing people and setting off explosives outside the Louvre or Big Ben, because they were able to get American made weapons, well, don’t say we didn’t warn you. I mean it is your funeral after all.



?itemid=8939670


[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Twitter
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s no secret that hardcore racists are using social media to spread their violence and hatred towards anyone who they don’t like. And not only that, they’re using it to actively recruit new members like the group Identity Europa for instance. But before we get into why Twitter won’t ban Nazis (and for not at all shocking reasons), Trump met with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey last week. And you want to know the reason why? Well you just had to ask! Trump wanted him to explain why he lost a ton of followers, and the reason is not all shocking either. Yes, they are still harping on Twitter for the ridiculous concept of “shadow banning”.





Well, maybe you should hold off on fixing it there, because last week a Twitter employee admitted what we’re all thinking. So why won’t Twitter hold Nazis in the same regard as ISIS? Easy answer: a lot of them vote conservative! So, @realDonaldTrump, it’s not just you, it’s your base! You wonder why conservatives are getting “shadow banned”? It’s because they’re fucking Nazis!





So that’s how people turn to the Dark Side so quickly! I mean shit even Emperor Palpatine couldn’t recruit numbers this quickly. Thank god social media didn’t exist in 1942 am I right? But the scary thing is that they can’t ban Nazis because it would mean banning GOP politicians. Wow, this is completely and in no way shape or form shocking.





I think even Adolf would roll his eyes at this. But if you want to know where white supremacist online hatred is heading, just ask Rep. Ilhan Omar. Last week, we were all horrified when Trump trolled her directly by posting a video linking her to 9/11. Well guess what? @Jack personally called her to tell her there was nothing wrong with @realDonaldTrump’s tweet. Well, if they can’t get that right, how are they expected to combat white supremacy and neo-Nazism?






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Whew. There was so much to unpack at his insane campaign rally last week that I’m going to need a breather after this one. Or at least a nice tall glass of Jack Daniels. You know that abortion is one of the trickiest subjects to navigate in this country, at least since about 1973. But this week things have taken a hard turn in the abortion debate, and not in a good way. Yeah we got to unpack what Trump said in Wisconsin last week, because that was whew, my god. I literally have no words to accurately describe how or what to feel after seeing this. You know what? Fuck it, let’s roll the clip first.



That escalated quickly! Seriously, that never happens, fucking anywhere!!! So why is this so alarming? Well…





Wow, that escalated quickly! We wen t from abortion straight to infanticide. Holy shit. Way to play to extremes there, Trump! Oh wait, except that doesn’t happen anywhere, ever. I mean they didn’t even practice this in Darfur! Jesus, he is certifiably insane. And he’s probably going to get someone killed over this, if he hasn’t already.





At least Trump admits that his ideas are sick. And certainly not in a cool way. His ideas are quite literally sick in every way. That brings up one of my favorite GOP talking points “We’re going to take our country back!!!”. What are you taking it back from? Where are you taking it back to? We may never know the answer to these questions. By the way, if you want to know what actual doctors think of this, you would be (well, not) at all surprised at how wrong Trump is on this subject:






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Is It Racist
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone it’s the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



Spoiler alert! Probably! The NHL playoffs are in full swing right now, how is your team doing? Mine not only didn’t make it but was at or near the bottom most of the season. Well one team that’s not in it and has been in the news for a very controversial reason. Racism. Well, not so much in the proverbial sense of racism, but really more like they had a past history of racism. You know like when you discover that you made racist jokes 10 years ago and now you go “it’s not me!!!”. Thanks Twitter search! But the Flyers are in the news because they removed a statue of Kate Smith after some old lyrics surfaced. If you don’t know who that is, Kate Smith is the America flag-waving songwriter who sang such classic songs like “God Bless America” that are still in use today. Why is this controversial? Well…





Well that is a good question! And I think this outrage concerning Kate Smith is walking a fine line between “is it racist” and it is not racist. So let’s expand on this further – it’s not just the Flyers – the Yankees also jumped ship on Kate Smith. But are they overreacting? Yeah probably. So why now – some nearly 33 years after Kate Smith died? Well there’s lots of reasons.





So what were their values then before they decided to do this? And if they’re not going to use Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” then whose are they going to use? If the Flyers and Yankees both support American values, they should take a good look at who’s currently serving in the White House before they practice what they preach.





So maybe just… maybe this is one of those things that might not actually be racist. Maybe the Flyers and the Yankees both jumped the gun here. What do Kate Smith’s actual relatives and Flyers fans think of this removal? Well they might be on that side. That answers the question “is it racist?” the answer might be probably / probably not.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates.



Is President Trump lying? Is water wet? OK that’s the end of the investigation piece, good night everybody! But in all seriousness, last year the entire world was shocked at the death of Otto Warmbier, who was visiting North Korea and arrested and tortured by North Korea’s glorious dictator Kim Jong Un, and died in a North Korean prison. Then there was a gigantic battle to get his body released and returned to the United States. Now, one year later, President Trump claims that he’s the world’s greatest hostage negotiator. Because of course he is. So last year, Kim Jong Un presented the US government with a bill for Warmbier’s hospital care. Seems like a dictator thing to do.





That is a very good point. Seems like a very dictatorial thing to do doesn’t it? He dies in your care and then you stick the other guy with the bill? What a very noble and Christian thing to do! Except for the fact that Kim Jong Un bows to no god but himself. So who should pay for Otto Warmbier’s $2 million hospital tab? Well, did Trump approve? Or did he not? That’s where the conflict arises.





So that’s where President Fake News comes in. North Korea sent him the bill and supposedly says he paid it but then again he says he doesn’t. And if anything happens between the US and North Korea in the next two years, consider it the fault of an unpaid tab. Note to European countries: this is the kind of thing that happens when people are forced to pay for their medical care.





That’s the question as old as time – who gets stuck with the check? Is it North Korea or is it the United States? Either way there’s a rather gigantic tab to settle and so far there are no takers. In fact probably no one wants to pay this bill. But it exists, and it must be paid no matter who it is stuck with. But… that begs even further question as to whether or not President Trump is the world’s greatest hostage negotiator like he claims. Easy answer: he’s not. Especially if he’s stuck with that tab.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.



[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of San Diego, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we’ve been speaking out against the unholy, ungodly Dark One since we began this church. Now next year is an election year. And there are a billion candidates running to unseat the Dark One. Well, maybe not a billion. At least 21 that we know of. But there’s one candidate above all the others who is getting a lot of attention from my fellow zealots, and not exactly what one would call a flattering way. I’m of course talking about the mayor of South Bend, Indiana and one of the current front runners, a man by the name of Pete Buttigieg. But what is it about this particular individual that has my fellow zealots on the right up in arms? Well…





That is most certainly a good question oh LAWRD!!! Every election cycle, the Christian right always point out how we should “hate the sin, not the sinner” and that it’s “GAWD’s judgement”. Well, that doesn’t fly in my church!! We don’t play by that rule here. We support Mayor Pete! Now it of course brings me great joy to see our religious breathen have their talking points thrown back at them. Since of course that’s what we do here. But the feud between Rev Graham and Mayor Pete has escalated. Quickly.





And yes he is oh LAWRD! And if there’s one thing we don’t want to see, it’s that the GOP is flaunting their sexuality! I don’t want to see that, do you? But here’s the thing that I want to know – they call themselves “the Christian right” but they are wrong all the time! They’re even wrong on the good LAWRD JAYSUS! And if they’re wrong on JAYSUS what else can they be wrong on? Well, everything!





Well actually you are wrong, very wrong! Can I get an amen??? And by the way how great is our gospel choir? Let’s hear it for them! But the Christian right is losing this battle, as they are losing every battle they attempt to fight. So why fight this one? The more they harp on Pete Buttigeig for being gay, the more they make him stronger! Really, they should just call this one a day and retreat with their tail between their legs.





Yes, don’t you dare put that evil on us, Franklin Graham! That should be the takeaway you get from today’s sermon! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Armenian Genocide Recognition
[br] [/font] [br]



Let’s liven things up and talk about genocide. You know, nothing gets a good gut laugh like state sanctioned torture and mass murder. But first we need some music.




Ah love some System Of A Down! So why won’t we have them on our show? Well they’re not exactly what one would call “easy to get a hold of”. But I am playing this to bring a point. HEY! US Government!!! Recognize the Armenian Genocide already!!! This is something that’s not easy for a government to do because it would definitely mean that they would have to admit their own faults as a society. Why is it so hard to do? Well there’s plenty of reasons why it should be recognized, but also plenty of reasons why they shouldn’t. What’s one reason why they shouldn’t? Well it would cause the US to answer for their past crimes in this subject area. And by the way instead of playing our usual humorous memes and clips, we’re instead going to replace them all with System Of A Down songs, because you can’t joke about this tragedy, and there’s no one understands this subject better than they do! So what’s to stop them from doing this?





Ah, I love that band so much. So why talk about this now? Well, we recently remembered the 100th anniversary of this horrifying chapter in modern history, and since history seems to be repeating itself with the rise of white supremacism and neo nationalism, this cannot be fucking forgotten! Thank you audience! So if you research this tragedy who’s really to blame? And why has it taken so long to hold them accountable? The entire thing is a clusterfuck. And especially since Turkey – a country that is led by Putin stooge Erdogan, is well, on the side of genocide.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So that’s about where we are at as a society – if you stand with Vladimir Putin, well, you support genocide. At least France, with all the shit that’s currently going on in this country, is one of the more progressive ones in this regard. They are one of the western countries that is currently recognizing this atrocity. But let’s at least delve into some of the history on this subject if we are to properly understand it.





And by the way, don’t count on this guy to show his sensitive side regarding this dark chapter of humanity any time soon. I’m of course talking about Trump. Last week, he praised General Lee (yes, the real General Lee and not the Dukes of Hazard car), backed out of the UN Arms Treaty (fucking really?) and backed up his comments about how there’s “really fine people on both sides”. So if you’re holding your breath on whether or not he’ll recognize the tragedy any time soon, you may exhale now.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]No!: Operation Varsity Blues
[br] [/font] [br]



When you give stupid people a lot of money, don’t be surprised when they do something stupid with it, and of course you probably know where I’m going with this – Operation Varsity Blues. Which is shaping up to be one of the dumbest scandals involving rich idiots since the Fyre Festival. I will admit it – I am obsessed with this story and I cannot get enough of it, because it’s really a testament to how much people hate the uber-rich. Because they’re just like us, only they have money. And when they’re just like us, with money, they tend to spend it very foolishly. As demonstrated by Lori Laughlin.

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, designer Mossimo Giannulli, pleaded not guilty on Monday relating to fraud and conspiracy charges brought against them by federal prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues investigation. Loughlin and Giannulli were two of 33 parents charged in the largest college admissions scandal in American history.

According to documents obtained by CBS News, Loughlin and Giannulli each waived their right to appear in court for an arraignment and pleaded not guilty to each of the charges brought against them.

Loughlin and Giannull allegedly paid $500,000 to have their two daughters categorized as recruits to the USC crew team even though neither participated in the sport. Their 19-year-old daughter, Olivia Jade, is a social media influencer, who apparently capitalized on her experience at USC with sponsored posts.

Loughlin and Giannulli were arrested last month on a single charge of conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud. An indictment brought last week added a charge of money laundering conspiracy against the couple and 14 other parents. Loughlin posted a $1 million bond last month..
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/lori-loughlin-enters-not-guilty-plea-husband-mossimo-giannulli-college-admissions-scandal-operation-varsity-blues/



Yeah except Loughlin probably won’t be getting a bad court thingy any time soon. So the question is who else is involved? How deep does this go? Deep enough, thank you sir! Always a smart ass in the audience isn’t there? But this might be my favorite part of the scandal – they are trying to say that they did nothing wrong! Oh go cue the world’s tiniest violin.





NO!!! !We don’t need dim-witted celebrities and their equally dim-witted kids taking admissions away from people who worked their ass off to get into college and land their dream jobs! And not only are they competing who can spend the most money to get their kids in, they’re getting international help as well! I mean what, does USC need its’ own international airport? I mean they *COULD* use an international airport!





Holy shit!!! $25 million? Damn, here I am in the wrong business! I am entertaining you people, at the Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot, instead I should be hustling celebrities and universities! But here’s a thing – what does China want with America’s higher institutions of learning? Well this is shocking, but not really all that shocking.






[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And I love these stories because they never disappoint. So who is stupid this week? I want to start with this story out of Michigan. Here’s the thing – would you tell your parents about your spank bank? And more importantly, would you have a spank bank that costs as much as a new Honda Accord? Well, there was this guy who not only did both, he is actually suing his parents for destruction of property to the tune of almost $100K. Ha ha ha, yes, thank you Marge, does anybody need that much porno? Well this guy does. Really, dude, just chalk this one up as a loss and move on.





Yeah even Loki won’t touch that one! And he’s the god of mischief, don’t you know? Next up, we got a lot of stories from the Sunshine State! Yes, our good friend Florida Man has been quite busy lately! Remember that movie Mallrats by Kevin Smith? It features a hilarious scene where Jay & Silent Bob go after the Easter Bunny only to get mauled by a group of freaked out kids waiting in line. Well, think of this as the Easter Bunny’s revenge.





Ha ha, I love that movie!! Next up – turtles!!! And not just Florida, what’s up with Orlando this week? It seems that there’s a lot of crazy stories coming out of Orlando lately. Well, when you’re at a Starbucks after a bender, what does one do to pass the time? I know! Let’s threaten people with an army of turtles, and I for one welcome our new turtle overlords. We already have one serving as Senate Majority Leader. Hey o!!!! Thank you I’m here all week, don’t forget to tip your waitress!





Next up – we go to the land down under, Australia. Yes, there are stupid people in Australia, there’s stupid people everywhere! And I don’t remember ever getting this in a Happy Meal when I was a kid, this might be the worst Happy Meal toy ever!





Another awesome movie. Finally this week for People Are Dumb – we go to Wisconsin for this one, and we might have to give Wisconsin the title of “Florida Of The North”. And this is exactly what happens when you live in a rural town where there’s nothing to do. There’s plenty of ways that you could wreck some serious havoc in a Wal-Mart, but really, don’t do this.





That’s it this week for:




[div style="padding: 20px; background-color: #ffffff; border-radius: 10px; box-shadow: 0px 2px 4px 1px #aaa;"][div style="font-family: arial, helvetica; font-weight: bold; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999; padding-bottom: 8px;"]
[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Selection Sunday
[br] [/font] [br]

16 states will enter and only one state will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



We are in the home stretch here, people! Last week, Alabama showed Mississippi who’s boss in the Family Values Conference by absolutely putting on an epic show and routing them by a whopping 24 points to win the Family Values Conference and set the tone for the Flyover League championship. Now we go to the Layover League as the Batshit Conference Championship commences! It’s Kentucky vs red hot newcomer Georgia in a winner take all contest! We’re live in Ontario, California at the home of the Ontario Reign and UC Riverside, the Citizens Business Bank Arena, for all the action! Who will become the new kings of guano? We will find out! Let’s break out the brackets so you can follow along!



[font size="4"]Kentucky Vs Georgia[/font]

[font size="4"]Kentucky[/font]


So we’re back in the Bluegrass State everybody! Since Florida left the conference, Kentucky frequently owns this conference as they’re home to the nation’s two worst senators – senate majority leader Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. Yes, that Rand Paul, the guy who didn’t know that monkey pancakes weren’t a thing. They’re also home to the worst governor in the country – Matt Bevin, a hardcore Christian fundamentalist who blames everything for bad things that happen but, say guns.





Oh come on, even Shaq is giving you the facepalm. I mean really… teacher sickouts are the reason why shootings happen? You should join those morons in Texas who blame school shootings on schools having too many exits. And I mean Kentucky is so hardcore Trump that you can’t even get food at a food truck without being lectured about the Trump lifestyle brand. Really, these fucking people.





And by the way here’s one of the craziest things ever. Not only does Kentucky have two of the worst national level senators, they also elect local reps as batshit crazy as the people who live in this state. It’s really a second Florida if you think about it. One of the GOP’s current favorite punching bags is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and the fact that she simply exists is enough to drive the most hardcore Trump humper crazy.





[font size="4"]Georgia[/font]


Last time we checked in with Georgia, they were still reeling from that insane election that saw Stacy Abrhams ousted as governor in what appeared to be an attempted coup engineered by crazy people with a white supremacist agenda. And white supremacy still thrives in Georgia, which explains why they’re so batshit crazy. I mean look just because you’re next to Florida doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to smell Florida’s stink! But they do. and they get people like this who claim that their free speech is being persecuted. How dare you be intolerant of my intolerance!!





And by the way – republicans always scream that their views aren’t heard. That is complete and utter bullshit! They’re heard everywhere! And we’re supposed to just shake our head and go “OK”. But really they want a totalitarian dictatorship and they will get it whether we want it or not. But do we really have to put up with their shit like this? I can’t imagine this will end well.





Yeah you think? And remember when George Bush famously uttered the words “Is our children learning”? Well, no they aren’t, and there’s always a method for their madness. And that method might be – teachers are getting screwed! And Georgia is one of the worst states in the country where teachers are getting screwed the most. No wonder people are so crazy down in the south. We need some more edumacation!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Ooh man this was a close one. It’s down to the wire – Kentucky came back and answered 16 to Georgia’s triple double run. Current score 88 – 86 with less than 30 seconds on the clock. Now down to 15 seconds… ten seconds… Georgia makes the shot… it’s in!!!! 3 pointer at the buzzer! Down goes Kentucky, Georgia moves on!!! What an upset here folks!!! The Stone Mountain racists of Georgia have knocked off conference favorite Kentucky! Oh my god! Wow, what a performance!

[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Next week the final two states are vying for their spot in the Final Four and it’s a battle to see who can go for broke with the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship! We’re live from the home of the San Diego St Aztecs , the Viejas Arena for all the action! And it’s a battle of the Beltways as two conference juggernauts – Wisconsin and Michigan will faceoff to see who will move on! Stay tuned!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Periphery[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest are a really awesome metal band from Baltimore. Playing their song “Blood Eagle” from their album “Periphery IV: Hail Stan”, give it up for Periphery!!




Thank you San Diego!!! We had an awesome time! We will be back soon! We’re off to Mizzoula, Montana next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: American Comedy Club, San Diego, CA
Special Thanks To: American Comedy Club Management
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: UC San Diego Choir Club, La Jolla, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holdersArticles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Periphery Appear Courtesy Of: 3DOT Recordings
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo