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Thu Apr 5, 2018, 11:02 PM

1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die (Ferret/ShowerCap) [View all]

DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk. (And you probably know this by now, but you can find this post, with news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/1001-scott-pruitt-scandals-must-read-die/)

So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux Nooz, and because he's a rube, he decided the nation was in immediate danger of being overrun by a “caravan” of migrants.

It's truly distressing, the amount of power Fox has over our easy mark President. One of these days, he's gonna sit on the remote control and switch by mistake to a channel showing Independence Day, and then we're really gonna be in deep shit.

Anyway, he's dispatching the National Guard to the border to protect us from the scary brown people from the television, and whoever it was said that Trump is “a weak man's idea of a strong man” deserves a fucking marble statue.

If you had Alex Van der Zwaan in the “who will be the first Mueller probe target to be sentenced” office pool, come claim your prize! The message here is clear; lie to Bodacious Bob, go to jail. (If you lie to Shower Cap, I will cry, but you will never know it, for a mask hides my tears.)

President Skidmark was allegedly delighted to learn he isn't a "target” of the Mueller investigation at this time, only a “subject.” But just like a stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet, a subject's just a Giant Spray-tanned Idiot Who Hasn't Perjured Himself Multiple Times Under Oath...Yet.

Speaking of Mueller, it seems he's taken to detaining and questioning various Russian oligarchs when they drop into to the good ol’ U.S. of A. to pick up blue jeans and Adam Sandler DVDs. He's seeking information on any foreign money that may've found its way into a certain bloated rectal tumor’s 2016 campaign. Also Avengers: Infinity War spoilers.

Remember that hilarious joke Roger Stone played on Sam Nunberg, where he said he hung out with his new friend Julian Assange who is a much better tetherball player than Sam Nunberg and also doesn't smell quite so much like grandma's house? Well, weirdly, it took place the very same day Roger showed up on InfoWars radio to shoot his fool mouth off about all the shit WikiLeaks was about to dump on Hillary Clinton's head.

...I guess Stone was playing an equally hilarious joke on his good buddy Alex Jones, right? Such a prankster! I wonder if you can get whoopee cushions in prison?

Shitty White Boy Authoritarianism has an official pillow, I see. The guy who runs MyPillow wants the honor of being Laura Ingraham's sole remaining advertiser, for some reason. That's a lot of ad time to fill, bro, maybe you can run a little serial detailing how you got your F rating from the Better Business Bureau!

Clearly, the Shart of the Deal passed his negotiating prowess on to his entire slimy grifter family. Cecile Richards revealed that Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar tried to bribe Planned Parenthood with increased federal funding if they'd just cut out all that abortion stuff.

That's right, they tried to pay fucking PLANNED PARENTHOOD off to sell out women's reproductive rights. What's next? We find out Eric tried slipping Colin Kaepernick a suitcase full of twenties to denounce Black Lives Matter?

...it seriously tells us a whole damn lot about these people that they think this sort of thing can be purchased.

I see Cruella de Vil has been appointed to oversee parks and wildlife at Ryan Zinke's Interior Department. And of course the Shart Administration has proposed a rule to roll back endangered species protections, because why restrict your shittiness to a single species, right?

GOP political operative Benjamin Sparks is wanted on domestic battery charges for assaulting his ex-fiancée, with whom he signed a sex slave contract.

Moving on, in international news - wait, WHAT? This creep, (who's worked for Mitt Romney and Scott Walker) actually made a woman sign a sex slave CONTRACT? God, even Michael Cohen wouldn't touch that shit.

The Blue Wave kept on rollin’ with an absolutely PORNOGRAPHIC win in Wisconsin. Yessir, a bonafide pink-o commie libtard snowflake won a seat on the Wisco Supreme Court, vanquishing her Scott-Walker-backed opponent like the Washington Generals of Cheesehead jurisprudence.

Walker did not take the news well, melting down on Twitter about how liberals were going to break into your house to smash your TV while you were watching Roseanne or some shit. Sorry, Scott, Blue Wave's a-comin', and there's just two things you can do about that:

1. Nothing
2. Like it.

Speaking of which, a new poll out today showed former Governor Phil Bredesen leading spittle-flecked lunatic Marsha Blackburn by double digits in the Tennessee Senate race. WOW. Corker kickback indeed. Say, let's help Bredesen win this seat, shut down the McConnell/Trump court-packing scheme once and for all, huh?

Rudy Giuliani's third wife filed for divorce, in the process demanding that Rudy be awarded custody of his hideous, hideous teeth.

A bunch of military types leaked to CNN about a meeting between Tangerine Idi Amin and his national security team, because they want the American people to know that serving this President is basically like living in that one Twilight Zone episode with the little kid who has god-like powers but doesn't understand fuckall about anything.

Man, you can't throw a rock without hit a brand new story about Scott Pruitt's Excellent Unethical Adventures, can you? At this point, I honestly don't know how this bastard finds the time to shave, he's doing so much cartoonishly crooked shit.

Let's do the Scott Pruitt Fuckery Round-Up. Just from the last couple of days, ignoring the travel and the soundproof booth.

1. Tries to force his security detail to turn on sirens to get out of a traffic jam, because waiting is for peasants.
2. Sweetheart deal on D.C. lodgings from a lobbyist.
3. ...a lobbyist whose project was magically approved.
4. Fuckhead actually FELL BEHIND on his lowball grifter rent to said lobbyist.
5. Went behind the White House's back to give raises to aides.
6. Can't even handle himself on a fucking Fox News interview.
7. Has EPA employees reassigned for criticizing his spending/general jagoff-ness.
8. “Shady real estate deal” back in Oklahoma.
9. Runs a puppy mill, and opens all meetings by forcing staff to drink a toast with puppy blood. Ok, I made that one up, but would you be surprised?

Despite all this, the Marmalade Shartcannon was talking about promoting this cheap crook, this paranoid maniac, to Attorney General, as recently as THIS WEEK! Scott Pruitt had more scandals this week than the entire Obama administration had in EIGHT YEARS, and not only is he not fired, they want to put him in charge of Robert Mueller!

The trade war is going about as well as you'd expect, with Field Marshal Dumbass directing the battle. China filed a protest at the WTO, and slapped retaliatory tariffs on a fresh round of American products, most prominently soybeans, a devastating crotch punt to American farmers. Studies show Lil’ Donnie's tantrum could cost up to 146,000 Americans their jobs, but don't worry, what's important here is that the President not be perceived as “weak” in backing down. I ask you, what's more important? Your ability to feed your family, or Orange Julius Caesar’s fragile pride?

Aaaaaaaand it looks like Littlefinger wants to escalate further, and stock market futures are predictably down. We've normalized Drumpf to an extent, but I confess it's strange, watching the American President intentionally attack the American economy.

After all the years of condescending moral hectoring, I confess I get a tingly feeling in my nether regions whenever we learn more about what a skeezy slimebucket Bill O’Reilly has been the whole time. One of the creepy old pervert's settlements went so far as to demand that, should evidence of his sleaziness become public, the woman would have to denounce it as “counterfeit.” Tell me more about the “Decline of Morality in America,” Bill, I really want your thoughts on the subject.

Oh my, the right-wing Jackassosphere is all a-tizzy today! It seems free speech is under attack! Dastardly liberals have achieved a new victory in their ongoing quest to stamp out all dissenting thought! Why, no doubt Barack Obama, George Soros, and Chuck Schumer are circle-jerking all over the original text of the first amendment at this very moment!

For you see, Kevin Williamson has been fired from the Atlantic! Woe is us, and woe is freedom itself! First, they came for the Guy Who Repeatedly Said, On Multiple Platforms, That Women Who Have Abortions Should be Hung, and because I was not a RAGING TURDWEASEL ADVOCATING FOR THE STATE-SPONSORED MASS-MURDER OF WOMEN I said nothing.

Nothing except “hooray this horrible man got fired,” and possibly “maybe don't hire people with such a thirst for executions in the first place.”

Like a toddler who murdered the babysitter, Donnie Two-Scoops has sidelined or removed everyone who tells him “Hey, maybe don't act like a poop-throwing chimpanzee that just ate its own weight in bath salts, huh?” And so he went down to West Virginia for a "tax roundtable,” where he belched up most of his favorite lies, from Mexican Rapists to Voter Fraud (Gosh, I thought he'd abandoned that one, but sometimes you gotta just play the hits.) to Melania Loves Me For My Personality.

Later, Fat Q*Bert told reporters he didn't know anything about the Stormy Daniels hush money, you know how lawyers are, always paying off porn stars, the little rascals! Anyway, I'm not sure how his people were threatening to enforce an NDA he never knew about, but that's a needle for somebody else to thread.

I tell you what, it's gettin’ mighty crowded underneath The Bus, with Michael Cohen joining Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Georgie Papaderpaderp, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell...and so on, ad infinitum.

There's more, I know. Corey Lewandowski said a naughty word to Congress, and Robert Mercer paid millions to make the world a little shitter by spreading Islamophobic hate, and I see Paul Manafort has been served with STILL MORE search warrants, but at least Rachel Maddow is slaying the competition in the ratings!

Anyway, thanks for reading, Shower Captives, I'm taking a much-needed weekend off in the midst of all the personal and political madness. My plan is to catch up with everything on Monday night...see y’all then!

PS - While I was editing (and simultaneously drinking, so, y'know...don't expect perfection) McClatchy dropped a fresh story about Team Mueller serving one of Shart Garfunkel's business associates with surprise subpoenas, suggesting a particular interest in one Michael Cohen...I have no jokes for this story, but it should make you happy.

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Reply 1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die (Ferret/ShowerCap) [View all]
TheFerret Apr 2018 OP
cry baby Apr 2018 #1
Leghorn21 Apr 2018 #2
lunasun Apr 2018 #3
CaliforniaPeggy Apr 2018 #4
oasis Apr 2018 #5
murielm99 Apr 2018 #6
Gothmog Apr 2018 #7
Lilma Apr 2018 #8
Leghorn21 Apr 2018 #9
notdarkyet Apr 2018 #10
Lugnut Apr 2018 #11
uponit7771 Apr 2018 #12
Cha Apr 2018 #13