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Mon Nov 19, 2018, 09:58 PM

Thanksgiving Celebrations Marred as Princess Ivanka Commits the Greatest Crime of All (Ferret/SC) [View all]

In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um...the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let's do the news.

As always, this post originates on Cap's humble blog site. Click here for the post will all those links you love: http://showercapblog.com/thanksgiving-celebrations-marred-as-princess-ivanka-commits-the-greatest-crime-of-all/

Let's kick things off by reporting on a presidential injury. Yes, Orange Julius Caesar received treatment for a sprained wrist, sustained when he high-fived himself too hard for referring to Congressman Adam Schiff as, and move over Bill Murray, ”Adam Schitt.” Basically, America took the fourteenth cleverest kid on the elementary school playground, and gave him nuclear codes. Neat.

Still, I'm confident Congressman Schiff will have not only the last laugh, but the last seventy or eighty laughs, drawn out over god knows how many televised hearings over the next couple years. Call Adam whatever you like, Fuck-o, you'll be calling the gavel of the House Intelligence Committee “Mjolnir” before he's done with ya.

What can I say about the Finland/raking thing that hasn't already been said? Because he is a malicious nitwit who lies incessantly, even about things that don't matter, the Velveeta Vulgarian decided to blame the massive California wildfires on...fuck, I don't know, “forest raking” or some shit? Dumb fuck even reached all the way up his own ass to fabricate a phony conversation with the President of Finland. About raking. Good lord.

And why? Because in the midst of a tragedy that's already killed dozens, with hundreds more missing, he's got this perverse need to find some reason, any reason, to blame everything on people who didn't vote for him. It's the mendacity, the vindictiveness, and the insecurity all rolled up into one perfectly Trumpian package.

Anyway, every man, woman, and child in Finland is openly mocking America with rake jokes now. I feel shame. What next? A kick-me sign, taped to the President's back by the Latvian ambassador? Maybe Rodrigo Duterte offers him a can of peanuts, but a springy snake pops out instead?

In the olden days, political parties would present policy proposals to potential voters, solutions to their problems, in bids to earn their support. Well, the GOP isn't real big on solutions these days, so they've decided to offer up enemies instead.

And we have a new Public Enemy Number One this week in...Admiral William McRaven? Yeah, okay, maybe he served his country for decades, and commanded the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, but he criticized the Bonespur Buttplug for his fascist attacks on the free press, so he gets to be center square in the Two Minutes Hate for a bit.

...that was too much, wasn't it? Trying to mash up a 1984 joke with a Hollywood Squares joke? Hubris, Cap...hubris.

Anyway, the sudden focus on on McRaven stems from an interview with Fox's Chris Wallace, in which the Marmalade Shartcannon seemed fiercely determined to prove that that his Finland/rake comments weren't some outlier masking an otherwise fierce (or even functional) intellect.

Highlights included the deadbeat who goes on weekly taxpayer-funded golf vacations claiming he's just too goshdarned busy to visit the troops risking their lives daily in war zones overseas, and that he's too frightened to listen to the audio recording of Jamal Khashoggi's brutal murder, because he is a great big whiny wuss. He also said something about how it's obscene the way Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. Probably.

Two stories out of Ohio in recent days, both too ridiculous for me to improve upon with satiric exaggeration; one amusing, one horrifying. Let's see if you can tell which is which:

1. Rumor has it that the Cleveland Browns, a professional football team, want to interview former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for their head coaching job!
2. The ridiculously-gerrymandered Ohio state legislature is considering an anti-choice bill so extreme, a woman getting an abortion could be punished with the death penalty!

Oh, that zany Ohio.

So the Shart House briefly threatened to immediately re-suspend Jim Acosta's press pass once a 14-day restraining order expired, so CNN said, “Whatever, brah, we'll just sue your fascist asses all over again,” and the wannabe-authoritarians backed down yet again, because they are puny 98-pound weaklings, and the first amendment kicked sand right in their sniveling wimp faces.

...but Sarah Slanders used the opportunity to attempt to impose some new rules on the White House press corps. Now reporters are forbidden to ask follow-up questions, plus they all have to solve a Rubik’s Cube, do the truffle shuffle, and chant, “klaatu barada nikto” before entering the briefing room. Losing in court is like a drug to these fuckers, they just can't give it up.

A trio of Dem Senators are suing the the Assclown Brigade over the unconstitutional appointment of Pudding-Brained Hot Tub Spokesgoon Matthew Whitaker as acting attorney general. I won't pretend I understand the merits of the case, but maybe hold off on installing the Scott Pruitt Soundproof Wank Booth in your office, Matty.

Congratulations to the emotionally-stunted man-children in the “Proud Boys!” You've now been officially designated an “extremist group with ties to white nationalism” by the FBI! I'm sure you'll enjoy the heightened scrutiny from law enforcement agencies, as well as the complimentary gift basket, which includes soaps and other grooming products, cuz y’all have clearly been neglecting personal hygiene during your ill-attended stormtrooper LARP parties.

Maybe the stench was the reason your pathetic contingent couldn't hail a cab after your lil’ "rally” in Philadelphia? Or maybe it's just that everybody hates Nazis. Let the shunning commence, says I. Don't sell these losers Girl Scout cookies or ballpark franks or craft beer. Let them eat MyPillows.

If you're looking for a little schadenfreude to pour over the Thanksgiving mashed potatoes like gravy, how about the news that Neurosurgeon/HUD Secretary/Blithering Idiot Ben Carson is having a Detroit high school un-named after him? In a related move, the school will no longer be using the gymnasium to store grain.

...and if you want that schadenfreude to turn sour and morph into deep existential dread, give this Washington Post article, on the way fake news is spread and consumed, a quick spin. You get up close n’ personal with a woman so thoroughly brainwashed by the right-wing screechosphere that she unquestioningly believes even “stories” that originate on satirical sites designed to embarrass gullible conservatives. Even when the author of the piece straight up tells her it's a fabrication. Creepy shit.

Did you read it? Yeah. If you need to go get a hug, or cry for a bit, I'll still be here. Drinking. Heavily.

Just to drive that article's point home though, have you seen the totally-fabricated meme about Representative-elect Ilhan Omar, one of the first Muslim women elected to Congress, making the rounds on the right? How detached from reality do you have to be to believe that someone running for the House off Representatives would say "I think all white men should be put in chains as slaves because they will never submit to Islam?” Shit, these folks are so well-trained to hate the left, they'd believe anything, no matter how ridiculous, maybe even up to a conspiracy that the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza shop.

...nah, that's just too far-fetched.

Well, you can take the yellow ribbon down off the old oak tree, because the troops are finally coming home! ...from the southern border, where they were deployed, at massive expense, as a desperate last-minute campaign stunt designed to stoke the fears of the oh-so-easily-manipulated GOP base. A three hour motion picture epic depicting life on the caravan non-front, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Shia LaBeouf, will debut in theatres next fall.

Princess Ivanka violated federal records rules by conducting official government business from a personal e-mail account. In accordance with established standards, she will now be hounded by Republican investigators for the rest of her days, starting with Trey Gowdy dressing up like Jacob Marley and rattling his chains outside her bedroom window for the remainder of the holiday season.

Surely Weehands McNodick will disown his daughter for this gravest of crimes. Ethical consistency is pretty much the entire Trump brand.

Ok, that's all got tonight. In theory, the news will slow down over the holiday, so we may not see each other until next week, Shower Captives. Or maybe we nuke Finland on Wednesday over the rake thing. I'm playing it by ear.

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Reply Thanksgiving Celebrations Marred as Princess Ivanka Commits the Greatest Crime of All (Ferret/SC) [View all]
TheFerret Nov 2018 OP
underpants Nov 2018 #1
CaliforniaPeggy Nov 2018 #2
bronxiteforever Nov 2018 #3
Gothmog Nov 2018 #4
George II Nov 2018 #5
flying rabbit Nov 2018 #6
Cha Nov 2018 #7
nolabear Nov 2018 #8
MontanaMama Nov 2018 #9
lunatica Nov 2018 #14
old guy Nov 2018 #10
lastlib Nov 2018 #11
ZZenith Nov 2018 #12
underpants Nov 2018 #13
Auggie Nov 2018 #16
catbyte Nov 2018 #17
Bozvotros Nov 2018 #25
murielm99 Nov 2018 #15
malaise Nov 2018 #18
cp Nov 2018 #19
llmart Nov 2018 #20
bluescribbler Nov 2018 #21
Kitchari Nov 2018 #22
tblue37 Nov 2018 #23
mahatmakanejeeves Nov 2018 #24