OK, DUers- I need advice, and this is not a political post

[ARPad95]

58. I think learning about the Karpman Drama Triangle may be very beneficial for you & your husband.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Excerpts...

Avoiding a Life of Karpman Drama Triangles

According to psychologist Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, in order to stay out of drama triangles, we need to stop taking on the roles of victim, rescuer or persecutor.

Sounds easy enough? It may not be. If we are pre-dispositioned to get into drama triangles from our upbringing, we will most likely have some well-ingrained thinking patterns that will need to be replaced with healthier ones.

Refuse to be Superior or Inferior All of these roles requires one person to be superior, right, good, and better than the other person, while the other person has to be inferior, wrong, bad and worse. This one-up/one-down game has to be stopped in order for you to stop having a drama filled relationship.

Fjelstad says you have to be willing to stop playing the superior/inferior game to stay out of drama triangles.

Almost all conflict interactions with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder traits (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits (NPD) are based on who is better than/worse than, right/wrong, deserving of blame/deserving of defense, who gets more/gets less, who does more/does less, etc.

To break the dynamic of superior/inferior requires us to learn to accept differences and similarities between ourselves and others as neither good nor bad.

What does it look like to live without succumbing to superior and inferior feelings about ourselves and others? It means we will see ourselves and other people as unique individuals with our own different strengths and abilities, weaknesses and lack of skills without seeing anyone as better or worse than another, completely without the judgment of right or wrong.

Stop Fixing the other person. Don't be a Rescuer. If we've been a caretaker to a person with personality or impulse disorder for a long time, it might be a hard habit to break. We have felt obligated to do it. We have felt guilty for not doing it. We may have needed to do it with a parent to make our childhood bearable. We may have enjoyed the superior status of being the helper, the good person, etc. It may be very hard to relinquish the false hope that the other person will someday step permanently into the role of a responsible and giving adult, partner, or parent. We have to face our own outdated fantasies, feelings and beliefs and let them go before we can stop fixing, rescuing and caretaking the other person.

We have been the caretaker as a way to keep the peace, keep the delusion, keep the fantasy, keep the family together, keep the other person calm. But perhaps it's time to face the fact that none of our caretaking methods have worked for more than a few minutes or a few days.

Giving up rescuing the other person is an action, not a discussion. It isn’t something to announce to the other person. It isn’t something to negotiate with the other person. It isn’t something to threaten the other person with. It is all action. We stop participating in the merry-go-round interactions, we stop arguing, we stop worrying about what the other person will do next, we stop expecting the other person to fulfill our needs. This does not mean that we have to stop caring about or loving the other person. We change from being a rescuer in the interaction by making choices and taking actions that work better for us and might even work better for the other person.

Start Using the Caring Triangle / Winning Triangle

In 1990, Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, introduced the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle. Her work has been heralded by Dr. Karpman as "excellent". Choy contrasts the unhealthy dynamics of each role of the Karpman triangle with healthy dynamics. Fjelstad, in her book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, offers a similar model.

Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us - simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.