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TheFerret

(633 posts)
Fri Apr 5, 2024, 10:04 PM Apr 5

We Have Always Been at War With Easter [View all]

Hi everybody! Miss me? I missed y’all! Y’know, I actually made arrangements for a fill-in blogger, but I had to pull her at the last minute after I finally ran the background check. All she told me at the interview was that her name was Ronna, and she was absolutely, positively, categorically not related to Mitt Romney, so I figured, “great, I won’t have to worry about dressage stabling fees.” Live and learn.

(As ever, GETCHER LINKS HERE: https://showercapblog.com/we-have-always-been-at-war-with-easter/)

Anyway, I’m home on leave from the front lines of the War on Easter. What did I miss? I guess there’s a market for rapist-endorsed Bibles now?

Fortunately, I was able to stop along the way to take advantage of the post-holiday sale on those special, seasonal Reese’s, the ones in the shape of a bunch of transgender people crucifying Christ. They just get the chocolate-to-peanut butter ratio better, y’know?

His Satanic Majesty Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Darkest of All Possible Brandons, celebrated with the traditional Democrat Party ritual: forcing enslaved Republican children to scrape crosses off Easter eggs by hand.

In contrast, his pious Republican opponent marked the holiday by simply posting a list of People He Would Like His Manic Murder Mob To Do A Stochastic Terrorism To in a tasteful, all-caps font, before going about his regular daily business, dehumanizing immigrants, and begging the journalist-dismembering House of Saud for bail money, likely in exchange for Alaska in the Reich to come.

Don’t let the odd fabricated meeting with a murder victim’s family or video of his political opponent hog-tied in the back of a pickup truck distract you from Off-Brand Orbán’s overall Christlikeness. My favorite New Testament stories have always been the ones where He incessantly targets that one judge’s daughter for harassment and hey, who knows, maybe even violence.

Apparently the $175 million civil fraud appeal bond a certain well-known rapist/valor thief/general sack of crap posted may itself be fraudulent, which surprises all of you a whole lot, I’m sure.

Axios tells us we can gain valuable insight into the cognitive wonder that is Donald Trump’s mind by examining the Spotify playlist he imposes upon the sycophants and foreign spies down at Marm-a-Lago. Allow me to gently suggest you could gain similar insight by snorting Neptune’s Fix and shoving your head up an incontinent warthog’s ass.

House Speaker Moses Johnson spent the week curled up in the fetal position inside his own, personal promised land: the Easter recess, where there are no votes to count or bills to pull from the floor at the last minute, and Marjorie Taylor Greene can’t reach you, not even with her very best space laser. Enjoy it while ya can, Mike, but remember…time wounds all heels.

Embattled shithouse rat Bob Good seems to…excuse me, I misspoke. Embattled “Freedom Caucus Chairman” Bob Good seems to’ve convinced himself that Speaker Mike’s endorsement would be of some use in his primary, and if that strikes you as the sort of judgment you want in a federal lawmaker, go ahead and vote for him, I guess.

Bob himself endorsed convicted Capitol rioter Derrick Evans’ congressional bid, and if that strikes you as the sort of judgment you want in a federal lawmaker, you should know I have an ivermectin tree I’d be willing to part with, assuming the price is right.

House Republicans can’t navigate the lunch order without sparking a fresh round of flash retirements, but they introduced legislation to rename Dulles after the Dotard and honestly, Rapist Game Show Host International Airport has a certain ring to it. “It says we’re scheduled to land at Rapist at 4:32, so pick me up at Gate C at 5?”

Through it all, poor, dumb Jimmy Comer keeps shuffling about, mumbling, “Hey, Mister, stake a fellow American to an impeachment inquiry?” to anybody who doesn’t yet know to cross the street when they see him coming. Comer has managed to brand himself Too Incompetent For MAGA, which is staggering when you consider the legion of fuckups who haven’t.

If that’s not enough to flabber your gasts, somehow Lauren Boebert has become Too TACKY For MAGA, a state of white trash transcendence too vast and incomprehensible for our limited, human consciousness to process. “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t serve you any more alcohol, you’re making the rest of the hate mob uncomfortable.”

Karl Rove’s “terrorism is bad, actually” take qualifies as left-wing extremism in today’s Republican Party, so if ol’ Turd Blossom turns up on your doorstep, fleeing a lynch mob, consider allowing him sleep in the garage.

John Eastman officially claimed his seat in the weekly disbarred insurrectionists poker game, and Jeffrey Clark looks set to join him, but they don’t take Trump Bucks, so Jeff’ll have to wait and see if his Aunt Libby really comes through with that job at the Dairy Queen.

Jeffrey Goldberg at The Atlantic gave Rob Portman a sneak peek at the legacy he’s been diligently building himself out of pristine blocks of radiant, crystalline cowardice. Obviously, there are many more important reasons to usher the 21st century GOP onto history’s ash heap, but think of the fun we’ll have writing the history books as a bonus.

Apparently 48-year-old Ervin Lee Bolling decided he’d finally jammed enough QAnon memes up his nose with a pencil to make the informed choice to launch a one-dolt civil war, since he crashed his SUV into an FBI building in Atlanta. If it turns out they found a nail gun on the front seat, we may be seeing the first of a whole wave of copycat dipshits.

I would like to lodge a formal complaint with the headline Virginia School Board Member’s Jan. 6 Arrest Fractures Community, for not reading Virginia Community Unites to Drive Seditionist From, Holy Forking Shirtballs, a SCHOOL BOARD?, but I suppose journalists must bow to the objective reality of the partisan divide on the issue of…whether or not terrorists should run schools. You’re registered to vote, right? Could you like, double-check real quick?

Shiny new Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has had enough of the state’s student-athletes hiding communistly in the locker room during the national anthem, no doubt kneeling, in litter boxes, wearing their furry suits, sipping Bud Lights with Kid Rock, whose fursona is an affably portly raccoon named “Rufus.”

Landry’s not the only one experimenting with Ron DeSantis’ “aggressive culture war douchebag” playbook, as the President of Botswana is threatening to send 20,000 elephants to Germany. Not really in our wheelhouse here at Shower Cap’s Blog, I know, but I’m open to expanding the mission statement. Comprehensive documentation of wingnut asshattery, PLUS up-to-the-minute details on all prospective pachyderm trafficking crises, whaddya think?

No Labels? MORE LIKE NO CANDIDATE AMIRITE? I apologize for depriving you all of my wit these last few weeks. Still, in the long battle against America’s uniquely embarrassing anti-democracy movement, it’s nice to catch a fucking break for once, innit?

Plus, the increased pressure to play spoiler is clearly melting what’s left of RFK Jr.’s mind. He insists Joe Biden is a bigger threat to democracy than the fella who spent the entire transition period participating in every available conspiracy to overturn the results of an election he lost, but in Junior’s defense, that’s just because his brain doesn’t work at all, as evidenced by the stream of bat guano that issues from his fool mouth whenever he discusses, well, anything at all.

As for myself, alas, I invested the beer fridge fund in Trump Media stock, so I’m down to half a flat can of Diet Caffeine Free Coors Light.

As you’ve no doubt surmised, it is once again time for me to bat my pretty little eyes and rattle the ol’ tip jar, (which accepts PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App, if ya didn’t know) and also to let you know next week’s blog will be delayed until the evening of SATURDAY, April 13th, owing to an existing commitment. Until then, as ever, you stay safe out there, chum…

PS - I’m told y’all sold out almost the entire upcoming print run of my WWII comic, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, during my hiatus, but there may still be a copy or two available. Either way, more comics news soon. Ish. I hope. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR GENEROUS SUPPORT, is what I'm trying to say. 

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