I never wanted kids

[slightlv]

63. Sorry. Ended up long post, but I needed to get it off my chest. Please forgive me.

My pregnancy was a surprise, and proof that not all birth control works the same for all women. I was on too low a dose, besides having screwed up internals, I guess. The pregnancy was hard, dangerous, and I decided halfway through it never again. That was a good decision, cause the OB-GYN told me after the birth not to plan to have anymore children. Totally advised against it.

My daughter, far from being the child/person one could love and cherish was the exact opposite. Have had her to various psychologists -and- psychiatrists throughout her life. She manipulates everyone, which is why the last of them told us to take her home, he could do nothing for her. This was a military psych; she was in Guam at the time with ex-husband. Her dad and I had tried to get together, and she through a hissy fit until we split up again. I moved us up to be closer to my family for help and support, enrolled her in the catholic school where Sis taught, and the first week she wrote on the walls of the hall, "Aunt Lori is a bitch"... and then tried to deny it. When sis asked her who else called her "aunt Lori" she knew she was caught and just clammed up. She ran away with a kid to another state when she was 18... had two marriages and a kid by each husband... before I ever saw her again. She was in an abusive relationship with the last one, wanted to leave but had nowhere to go... so Mom said, come on and bring the kids. By this time she had adopted a 3rd boy. So, into my 1800 sq foot house they all came, and I tried my best to make them feel loved and welcomed.

Somehow (with help from her dad) she managed to get a loan for a $286,000 house (smdh). While I didn't tell her I thought it was a bad deal (it was... too much for the area and too small for the price), I did caution her to take a critical eye to what she was doing. 3 weeks after moving into her new house, she met a guy here. Moved out of her house and in with him. My two grandsons lived in "her" house. Oldest grandson is on the mortgage with her, so she's stuck unless and until she realizes she can't do anything with it without permission and recompense to him.

She threw out the kid she'd adopted when he hit 18. Ok... he was a shit... but I don't think he'd ever really gotten a chance to shine. My two grandsons got into a knock down/drag out, and she called the cops on my oldest grandson and had him put in jail. Took his car; --told-- him what she was going to do to "their" house... and basically threw him away. He's a damned good kid and I'm so proud of him, I'm busting buttons. But she calls or texts him just often enough to have that depressive effect on him. She won't have a thing to do with me. The youngest grandson ended up here one night in tears. He and the boyfriend got into an argument and they had blows. I told him he was welcome here anytime. My daughter is a narcissistic control freak, and the kids are paying for it. I am, too, in a way... because I refuse to be manipulated or controlled by her (or my mother, for that fact!) any longer. Besides, I adore having my grandson here. He keeps me feeling a little younger, he helps me out around the house, and I just have to get used to living in a "sears and roebuck catalog" house (LOL).

If I had it to do over again, I probably would have had an abortion. The pregnancy was that hard on my body, physically and chemically, it screwed the kid up in utero. She was 3lbs at birth; intrauterine growth retarded; and (I'm convinced) emotionally stunted for life. She messes up her own life, has tried to mess up mine, and -has- messed up 3 kids lives. THAT birth should never have happened, and it was only the family pressure (both immediate and extended) and "romance" thoughts of being a mother that made me continue. But the romance of the thought of pregnancy and birth doesn't jive with reality; nor with 18 years of sheer terror living with her, nor a lifetime wondering what she's gonna do next.

I applaud and support any woman who knows absolutely she doesn't want kids. I had my tubes tied as soon after giving birth as a I could. I wish they'd done it when they delivered by caesarian... but tho I was told "no more" I was too young to know I wanted "no more" (how dumb is THAT logic!). Thankfully, birth control never failed me again. There are a LOT of good reasons to not want kids. Not all of them are external, like some of the ones Xana wrote about. Some women just aren't good mother material. We're made for other things, and give our love to others in different ways. Not to mention what we can bring to the world with our art and creativity and business acumen.

There are women who ARE what I call "natural Earth Mother" types. They could have as many kids as I have critters, and be completely overjoyed. More power to them! CHOICE!! Just keep the crying, screaming kid out of my earshot, please!!!! What works for one doesn't work for another, and I'm saying trying to force, coerce, or urge one option on everyone is a recipe for a lifetime of pain, disaster, lost dreams, and tears for everyone but the controller. They sneak away grinning.

Do I resent my daughter? No... I still love her dearly, and will be there to help her out when she realizes this guy is just like the others. She'll marry him, no doubt, and a month after that want a divorce (smdh again). But I have long since given her permission to live her life as she wants... and I live mine. Besides, with a hubby 72 and subject to scams and malware, I have my hands full. And, for the first time in my life, kid or not, I actually feel needed - by both my husband and my grandson. THAT is a good feeling, and has given me a reason to do more than just wait for the end of my life to happen now that I'm retired.