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In reply to the discussion: I used to be fat [View all]

laundry_queen

(8,646 posts)
43. Good post.
Fri Jan 10, 2014, 05:18 PM
Jan 2014

I used to be thin. Growing up I was super athletic. I wasn't skinny, but I was a normal weight for my age and body type. I was involved in sports and I worked out daily, as well I walked everywhere. I did weights at our school gym and I was in phys ed as an 'option' in the curriculum in high school. I was in shape.

Unfortunately, my (very petite) mom thought I was too thick for her liking and I spent my pre-teen and teen years being put on diets, or shipped to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. She was controlling about food my entire life, and I would say, her and my dad were emotionally abusive if I didn't conform to their standards. I was incessantly shamed if I had an extra piece of bread at dinner, or conversely, forced to finish everything if I was full. Ridiculed if I liked something with a high fat or sugar content. Forced to eat nothing but raw celery and carrots for dinner when famished after a volleyball tournament. Yet, if my mom was in the mood to binge, she would enlist me as her sidekick, buy me all kinds of crap food, and treat me nicely while we binged.

All of this fucked up my relationship with food.

When I met my now-ex...he was upfront about how he didn't like my constant worry about what was going into my mouth. So I gave it up. He was the one person on the planet, I thought, that didn't care about being obsessed with food, and didn't care how much I weighed. He even said he liked bigger girls.

I ignored all of the other red flags about him because of finally feeling accepted for my weight.

Over the years my weight crept up. I gained with each baby I birthed. I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS because it was becoming impossible for me to lose weight at one point - I was working out for over 2 hours a day and eating 1500 cals/day while nursing a toddler and still couldn't lose more than 10 lbs over 6 months. Even my now-ex said, "gee, I feel so sorry for you because I see how hard you work at trying to lose weight. All I have to do is pick up a hockey game a week and I drop 20 lbs easy."

I lost a bunch of weight when my ex left me...because I was too stressed to eat. I was eating about 300 cals/day and that resulted in a loss of 60 lbs over 2 months...which resulted in a gallbladder attack, so I had surgery and lost a few more pounds. My mother was thrilled. Finally I was going to be her thin daughter again! She made me exercise with her every day. But then I started school and let me tell you, being a single mom of 4 while being a full-time university student was so stressful, I made some shitty food choices. Not constantly mind you but more often than usual. It took me over 4 years to regain the weight I lost when my ex left. It's difficult because I don't have the financial means or the time anymore to make good decisions as often as I used to. I've continued to exercise...mostly walking...over the last 4 years. It's not enough.

I think I have some psychological reasons for staying fat too....I was sexually harassed constantly as a teen and I found peace in being fat. No one grabs your boobs or ass anymore. Then the food issues. And likely some issues with rebelling against my eating-disordered mother's view of a perfect daughter.

But like you said, being fat is not easy. It sucks. The amount of energy it takes to get through a day is crazy. I hurt (but I used to hurt as a teen too from all the sports injuries). My goal is to become more healthy...so far I've been lucky in that my blood work and cholesterol and all that is within the healthy range...even the ideal range in some instances. But that may not always be that way. I'm not ready to make the surgery plunge. I've known too many people get very ill afterwards and it's not something I think I could deal with at this point in my life (still trying to finish school). Maybe when my youngest daughter is older (she's 6) and can fend for herself, like when she's a teen. In the meantime, it's hurtful to read the same stereotypes my fat-phobic parents perpetuated here on DU. I'm not any of those things.

I used to be fat [View all] MissMillie Jan 2014 OP
Thank you for this post. QC Jan 2014 #1
This message was self-deleted by its author phasma ex machina Jan 2014 #60
A good reminder... Mike Nelson Jan 2014 #2
We should never be defined by what we weigh. PassingFair Jan 2014 #3
great post. mahina Jan 2014 #4
surgery MissMillie Jan 2014 #5
Thank you for mentioning the potential side effects of gastric bypass Gormy Cuss Jan 2014 #11
an ethical bariatric surgery program MissMillie Jan 2014 #13
They will not operate on anyone over 63 classykaren Jan 2014 #77
That's not true. I have an acquaintance who was 66 at the time of her surgery and she did very well auntAgonist Jan 2014 #86
Just curious....cause I know next to nothing about gastric bypass surgery beaglelover Jan 2014 #107
Thank you. Catherine Vincent Jan 2014 #6
Thank you for posting BlueState Jan 2014 #7
Absolutely true... regnaD kciN Jan 2014 #72
Also true. BlueMTexpat Jan 2014 #79
they got mocked for their appearance, though. BlancheSplanchnik Jan 2014 #96
Thank you! redqueen Jan 2014 #8
Most people outgrow jokes based upon physical features Live and Learn Jan 2014 #9
This is excellent! Le Taz Hot Jan 2014 #10
Your MIND is the essence of who you are HockeyMom Jan 2014 #12
knr Douglas Carpenter Jan 2014 #14
thank you Marrah_G Jan 2014 #15
Miss Millie Dorian Gray Jan 2014 #16
Thank you so much for your eloquent "vent" chervilant Jan 2014 #17
Your last sentence is the best one on here. Thank You classykaren Jan 2014 #78
+1 catrose Jan 2014 #90
Oh boy, my dear MissMillie... CaliforniaPeggy Jan 2014 #18
First off, BRAVO for your weight loss! AAO Jan 2014 #19
I absolutely empathize with you...I was a fat kid angstlessk Jan 2014 #20
You Rock it, MissMillie Tuesday Afternoon Jan 2014 #21
I've been fat and thin wryter2000 Jan 2014 #22
MissMillie, good post. I myself have lost 124 pounds and for the first time in years roguevalley Jan 2014 #23
Thank you. I am tired of seeing hatred and bigorty defended here at DU. nt Demo_Chris Jan 2014 #24
Vent away Beaverhausen Jan 2014 #25
hello friend! MissMillie Jan 2014 #26
Well done! Can I ask you something honestly? Barack_America Jan 2014 #27
Well, as I said in an earlier reply MissMillie Jan 2014 #30
Thank you very much - great post. klook Jan 2014 #28
We are above criticism for physical appearance. That's a Rush behavior. Sienna86 Jan 2014 #29
i like being fat FatBuddy Jan 2014 #31
to each his/her own MissMillie Jan 2014 #33
i made a major breakthrough FatBuddy Jan 2014 #37
But sometimes pipi_k Jan 2014 #82
you have love to yourself FatBuddy Jan 2014 #84
I've lost 40 pounds since January of 2013. closeupready Jan 2014 #32
Very nicely put. Bravo to you. Shrike47 Jan 2014 #34
Thank you, MissMillie tom_kelly Jan 2014 #35
No one asked you out? KamaAina Jan 2014 #36
Love this post Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #88
Thank you! Matariki Jan 2014 #38
Thank you for speaking out. KitSileya Jan 2014 #39
Oh, wow, i can relate to your post laundry_queen Jan 2014 #44
You speak for a whole lot of us, Miss Millie nolabear Jan 2014 #40
Thanks for this! n/t PasadenaTrudy Jan 2014 #41
As A Person Who Watches My Weight Every Single ChiciB1 Jan 2014 #42
Good post. laundry_queen Jan 2014 #43
This is an excellent post Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #91
Wow. sounds like you went through a lot. laundry_queen Jan 2014 #98
I also had abuse from my dad Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #99
I'm so sorry to hear that laundry_queen Jan 2014 #101
Thanks for validating my thoughts, laundry_queen Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #102
thanks, laundry_queen Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #108
Great post, thank you! :). nt arthritisR_US Jan 2014 #45
thx for sharing your story Liberal_in_LA Jan 2014 #46
Thank you for your post. nt. NCTraveler Jan 2014 #47
thank you Miss Millie Skittles Jan 2014 #48
The only reason I felt it could have been an issue was the "too much is never enough" implied.... Spitfire of ATJ Jan 2014 #49
This was not a school day for me noamnety Jan 2014 #50
It's never as simple as "getting a sense of humor" when you're a consistent target of ridicule. nomorenomore08 Jan 2014 #110
I was there too, MissMillie.. annabanana Jan 2014 #51
I hear you - TBF Jan 2014 #52
Congrats on the weight loss... awoke_in_2003 Jan 2014 #53
If republicans mocked JFK for his back-brace and constant diarrhea, DU would be furious. arcane1 Jan 2014 #54
I thank you so dearly. KentuckyWoman Jan 2014 #55
My favorite post of the day mokawanis Jan 2014 #56
Exctly nadinbrzezinski Jan 2014 #57
Congrats on your weight loss...My sister was close to 400lbs HipChick Jan 2014 #58
I used to be fat too. Vashta Nerada Jan 2014 #59
For somebody who loves science I love that statement nadinbrzezinski Jan 2014 #61
My excuse was that I was too damn lazy. Vashta Nerada Jan 2014 #62
Once again, it is not a moral failing. nadinbrzezinski Jan 2014 #65
Congrats on your efforts BuddhaGirl Jan 2014 #95
i think there is a huge difference between 35 lbs overweight La Lioness Priyanka Jan 2014 #64
According to the BMI Vashta Nerada Jan 2014 #66
Also between reducing for six months wickerwoman Jan 2014 #73
So if we just shame and ridicule every obese person enough, they'll all lose weight... nomorenomore08 Jan 2014 #111
Yeah. Vashta Nerada Jan 2014 #112
If it's someone close to you whose weight you're concerned about, then that's one thing. nomorenomore08 Jan 2014 #113
Anyone who's in the public eye... Vashta Nerada Jan 2014 #114
I understand that argument, but it's too similar to those who try to rationalize, for instance, nomorenomore08 Jan 2014 #115
I hope everyone reads your moving post BainsBane Jan 2014 #63
K&R! DeSwiss Jan 2014 #67
Thank you for this post. NYC_SKP Jan 2014 #68
I've lost 85 lbs. I mostly agree with you, with just a little qualification. Silent3 Jan 2014 #69
Well said! Thank you for telling your story. liberal_at_heart Jan 2014 #70
Thank you for sharing. Sadly, people are superficial. merrily Jan 2014 #71
Thank you! a la izquierda Jan 2014 #74
Post removed Post removed Jan 2014 #75
Very well said ... 1StrongBlackMan Jan 2014 #76
Damn straight. cinnabonbon Jan 2014 #80
The same is true for people who bully, drink too much, make stupid choices, or go into politics Android3.14 Jan 2014 #81
What do you mean "You have no authority or experience that gives you the right..." auntAgonist Jan 2014 #89
No. Android3.14 Jan 2014 #100
This is such an excellent post Grateful for Hope Jan 2014 #83
Congratulations and thank you for your story. That said, BMI is flawed (not b/c muscle) MillennialDem Jan 2014 #85
Waist size matters too TexasBushwhacker Jan 2014 #94
Yes it is expressed as a range, but it it is still fundamentally flawed for height/weight squared! MillennialDem Jan 2014 #97
Those who are uncomfortable in their own skin (even if it's not readily apparent) are the ones auntAgonist Jan 2014 #87
Late night comedians haven't got the message. B Calm Jan 2014 #92
An old proverb packman Jan 2014 #93
I used to be thin Warpy Jan 2014 #103
As a person with asthma, Jamaal510 Jan 2014 #104
I'm sure those who risk their very life on surgery to get control over their eating would liberal_at_heart Jan 2014 #105
Morbid obesity is increasingly seen not as a moral failing nadinbrzezinski Jan 2014 #109
Message auto-removed Name removed Jan 2014 #106
Good for you Ms. Millie burfman Feb 2014 #116
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