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Response to MissMillie (Original post)

Fri Jan 10, 2014, 04:18 PM

43. Good post.

I used to be thin. Growing up I was super athletic. I wasn't skinny, but I was a normal weight for my age and body type. I was involved in sports and I worked out daily, as well I walked everywhere. I did weights at our school gym and I was in phys ed as an 'option' in the curriculum in high school. I was in shape.

Unfortunately, my (very petite) mom thought I was too thick for her liking and I spent my pre-teen and teen years being put on diets, or shipped to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. She was controlling about food my entire life, and I would say, her and my dad were emotionally abusive if I didn't conform to their standards. I was incessantly shamed if I had an extra piece of bread at dinner, or conversely, forced to finish everything if I was full. Ridiculed if I liked something with a high fat or sugar content. Forced to eat nothing but raw celery and carrots for dinner when famished after a volleyball tournament. Yet, if my mom was in the mood to binge, she would enlist me as her sidekick, buy me all kinds of crap food, and treat me nicely while we binged.

All of this fucked up my relationship with food.

When I met my now-ex...he was upfront about how he didn't like my constant worry about what was going into my mouth. So I gave it up. He was the one person on the planet, I thought, that didn't care about being obsessed with food, and didn't care how much I weighed. He even said he liked bigger girls.

I ignored all of the other red flags about him because of finally feeling accepted for my weight.

Over the years my weight crept up. I gained with each baby I birthed. I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS because it was becoming impossible for me to lose weight at one point - I was working out for over 2 hours a day and eating 1500 cals/day while nursing a toddler and still couldn't lose more than 10 lbs over 6 months. Even my now-ex said, "gee, I feel so sorry for you because I see how hard you work at trying to lose weight. All I have to do is pick up a hockey game a week and I drop 20 lbs easy."

I lost a bunch of weight when my ex left me...because I was too stressed to eat. I was eating about 300 cals/day and that resulted in a loss of 60 lbs over 2 months...which resulted in a gallbladder attack, so I had surgery and lost a few more pounds. My mother was thrilled. Finally I was going to be her thin daughter again! She made me exercise with her every day. But then I started school and let me tell you, being a single mom of 4 while being a full-time university student was so stressful, I made some shitty food choices. Not constantly mind you but more often than usual. It took me over 4 years to regain the weight I lost when my ex left. It's difficult because I don't have the financial means or the time anymore to make good decisions as often as I used to. I've continued to exercise...mostly walking...over the last 4 years. It's not enough.

I think I have some psychological reasons for staying fat too....I was sexually harassed constantly as a teen and I found peace in being fat. No one grabs your boobs or ass anymore. Then the food issues. And likely some issues with rebelling against my eating-disordered mother's view of a perfect daughter.

But like you said, being fat is not easy. It sucks. The amount of energy it takes to get through a day is crazy. I hurt (but I used to hurt as a teen too from all the sports injuries). My goal is to become more healthy...so far I've been lucky in that my blood work and cholesterol and all that is within the healthy range...even the ideal range in some instances. But that may not always be that way. I'm not ready to make the surgery plunge. I've known too many people get very ill afterwards and it's not something I think I could deal with at this point in my life (still trying to finish school). Maybe when my youngest daughter is older (she's 6) and can fend for herself, like when she's a teen. In the meantime, it's hurtful to read the same stereotypes my fat-phobic parents perpetuated here on DU. I'm not any of those things.

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