In general, this I think would be a very difficult issue to categorize.
I was married for 24 years, and generally, the two of us were very happy. Then my former husband experienced 3 events in the top-ten stressors within a relatively short period of time. When he turned 40 shortly thereafter, he told me he was leaving and asked me to let him be happy. He said he might have 20 good years left, and he wanted to do all of the things he had dreamed of doing all of his life before he married. I was devastated. Four days later after giving the matter a lot of thought, I told him okay. A decade later after doing a lot of reading, I realized he had experienced the classic mid-life crisis men often have at 40.
That was some time ago. We have a daughter and two grandchildren; I live near them, he does not. We talk from time to time, and recently just before he hung up he said "I love you." It amazed me. I thought the words coming out of the telephone were from the Twilight Zone.
A neighbor of mine told me had her husband done that to her, she would have gotten out her shotgun and followed him down the road in her truck to shoot him in the as*. I tried to conjure up a picture of my doing that and just couldn't manage it. I didn't have a truck....
So my daughter was 17 when he left, he told me to tell her there was no money for college, and off he went. I busted my posterior for the next decade to put her through a music conservatory (5 years with each one costing the same as an ivy-league law school) and then helped her with her master's degree (2 years at UMD). It took me ten years to pay off all the loans I took out, and she had scholarship money and student loans as well.
Today, my ex-husband lives in Montana and loves the state but is a lonely person. My daughter teaches at a private school in DC and loves her job. She teaches music and additionally gives private lessons. After working for decades in the legal community, I walked away 5 years ago and started working for myself. So everyone ended up either okay or fine.
I do believe there can be a life of quality after a devastating divorce if the participants allow themselves to find the way. But that is not easy to do sometimes when experiencing a painful breakup.
It is a pleasure to participate in your thread. I wish I had something more profound to contribute. I do think, however, it is really important to let go of the old hurts and pain to try to move to a place where contentment can be found. Happiness will follow.
Sam
= new reply since forum marked as read
