General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: My dumbest question ever... how do people shtup these days? [View all]Jim Lane
(11,175 posts)You ALWAYS have to have the STD conversation.
* Initially, you use a condom or, for cunnilingus, a dental dam.
* At some point, many couples agree to be mutually monogamous. If youve made that decision, and each of you reports having gone at least three months since any unprotected sex with anyone else, and each of you trusts the other, then you both get tested for HIV. If you both come back negative, then you dont need barriers to protect against HIV.
* There are other STDs, though. Annoyingly, there is no way to test men for HPV, so a woman who gets involved with your friend might still have a reasonable concern that hes carrying HPV and might infect her.
* As an alternative to the three-months-of-monogamy route, some people might choose to gamble. What do you do if a partner says I tested negative a year ago and all my sexual encounters since then have included condom use? The partner might be lying or forgetting, or a condom may have failed. Your friend should think now about what hell do in that situation.
Your friend might also want to get tested now, just in case he happens to be carrying something even he doesnt know about.
As to how you get to the point where all this is an issue, I dont think things are very much different from what he experienced before his marriage. Usually, two people get together, there may or may not be a kiss at the end of the first date, and as they continue to see each other the physical intimacy progresses. For some people its not all that uncommon to have sex on the first date. (My guess is that this is more common among the younger set than among the women in your friends age group, but I dont know.) For other people, sex on the third date would be considered much too fast.
There are no papers to sign. The progression toward physical intimacy still depends partly on conversation but mostly on reading nonverbal signals. Furthermore, the trend toward womens equality and toward elimination of confining gender roles has made only limited progress in this area. In most instances (and, again, focusing on the women in your friends age group), women will still incline to expect the man to make the first move. This is often true even if the woman is, not merely willing to consent to, but actively hoping for, something more intense. If your friend waits for an absolutely unambiguous signal from her, he may be in a situation where he wants to do something, she wants him to do it, but it doesnt happen. (Ive been there, as I learned from later debriefings.) Just as in the old days, hell sometimes have to risk rejection.
As others have mentioned, the main difference since his premarital days is the internet. It increases the opportunities to meet someone of compatible personality and interests. It may well seem awkward and artificial to someone (like your friend and like me) whose dating habits were formed in pre-internet days, but he should overcome that feeling and at least give it a try.
One thing hasnt changed: The whole process still presents abundant opportunities for insecurity, self-doubt, frustration, etc. Hell probably have to push himself, especially at first.