HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » My dumbest question ever.... » Reply #123

Response to MannyGoldstein (Original post)

Mon Mar 10, 2014, 03:29 PM

123. You’re right, “roughly the same” but some differences

 

You ALWAYS have to have the STD conversation.
* Initially, you use a condom or, for cunnilingus, a dental dam.
* At some point, many couples agree to be mutually monogamous. If you’ve made that decision, and each of you reports having gone at least three months since any unprotected sex with anyone else, and each of you trusts the other, then you both get tested for HIV. If you both come back negative, then you don’t need barriers to protect against HIV.
* There are other STD’s, though. Annoyingly, there is no way to test men for HPV, so a woman who gets involved with your friend might still have a reasonable concern that he’s carrying HPV and might infect her.
* As an alternative to the three-months-of-monogamy route, some people might choose to gamble. What do you do if a partner says “I tested negative a year ago and all my sexual encounters since then have included condom use”? The partner might be lying or forgetting, or a condom may have failed. Your friend should think now about what he’ll do in that situation.

Your friend might also want to get tested now, just in case he happens to be carrying something even he doesn’t know about.

As to how you get to the point where all this is an issue, I don’t think things are very much different from what he experienced before his marriage. Usually, two people get together, there may or may not be a kiss at the end of the first date, and as they continue to see each other the physical intimacy progresses. For some people it’s not all that uncommon to have sex on the first date. (My guess is that this is more common among the younger set than among the women in your friend’s age group, but I don’t know.) For other people, sex on the third date would be considered much too fast.

There are no papers to sign. The progression toward physical intimacy still depends partly on conversation but mostly on reading nonverbal signals. Furthermore, the trend toward women’s equality and toward elimination of confining gender roles has made only limited progress in this area. In most instances (and, again, focusing on the women in your friend’s age group), women will still incline to expect the man to make the first move. This is often true even if the woman is, not merely willing to consent to, but actively hoping for, something more intense. If your friend waits for an absolutely unambiguous signal from her, he may be in a situation where he wants to do something, she wants him to do it, but it doesn’t happen. (I’ve been there, as I learned from later debriefings.) Just as in the old days, he’ll sometimes have to risk rejection.

As others have mentioned, the main difference since his premarital days is the internet. It increases the opportunities to meet someone of compatible personality and interests. It may well seem awkward and artificial to someone (like your friend and like me) whose dating habits were formed in pre-internet days, but he should overcome that feeling and at least give it a try.

One thing hasn’t changed: The whole process still presents abundant opportunities for insecurity, self-doubt, frustration, etc. He’ll probably have to push himself, especially at first.

Reply to this post

Back to OP Alert abuse Link to post in-thread

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 178 replies Author Time Post
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 OP
Rex Mar 2014 #1
Autumn Mar 2014 #68
Rex Mar 2014 #104
Autumn Mar 2014 #110
Rex Mar 2014 #128
Autumn Mar 2014 #129
Rex Mar 2014 #138
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #139
Rex Mar 2014 #141
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #142
LineLineLineReply .
frwrfpos Mar 2014 #168
TeeYiYi Mar 2014 #174
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #2
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #3
Matariki Mar 2014 #6
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #8
Matariki Mar 2014 #16
msanthrope Mar 2014 #19
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #24
msanthrope Mar 2014 #25
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #28
BainsBane Mar 2014 #52
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #31
msanthrope Mar 2014 #69
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #145
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #15
Matariki Mar 2014 #17
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #21
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #18
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #26
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #29
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #30
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #33
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #38
bahrbearian Mar 2014 #84
Puglover Mar 2014 #107
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #115
Autumn Mar 2014 #120
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #121
Autumn Mar 2014 #122
BainsBane Mar 2014 #147
Violet_Crumble Mar 2014 #150
BainsBane Mar 2014 #164
Violet_Crumble Mar 2014 #165
R B Garr Mar 2014 #166
Violet_Crumble Mar 2014 #167
Autumn Mar 2014 #161
BainsBane Mar 2014 #162
Autumn Mar 2014 #163
bahrbearian Mar 2014 #124
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #125
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #143
BainsBane Mar 2014 #148
bahrbearian Mar 2014 #157
tkmorris Mar 2014 #35
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #45
Jim Lane Mar 2014 #111
Cali_Democrat Mar 2014 #47
11 Bravo Mar 2014 #91
GoneFishin Mar 2014 #101
Vattel Mar 2014 #81
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #132
Vattel Mar 2014 #134
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #136
Vattel Mar 2014 #137
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #144
Vattel Mar 2014 #154
Waiting For Everyman Mar 2014 #87
polly7 Mar 2014 #92
GoneFishin Mar 2014 #102
Puglover Mar 2014 #126
BainsBane Mar 2014 #53
msanthrope Mar 2014 #20
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #27
dionysus Mar 2014 #36
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #43
BainsBane Mar 2014 #54
dionysus Mar 2014 #55
BainsBane Mar 2014 #56
dionysus Mar 2014 #57
msanthrope Mar 2014 #70
treestar Mar 2014 #76
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #59
dionysus Mar 2014 #60
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #61
R B Garr Mar 2014 #100
treestar Mar 2014 #72
Jim Lane Mar 2014 #108
treestar Mar 2014 #71
sheshe2 Mar 2014 #146
DJ13 Mar 2014 #4
BlueStreak Mar 2014 #32
geek tragedy Mar 2014 #5
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #7
geek tragedy Mar 2014 #12
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #14
geek tragedy Mar 2014 #22
treestar Mar 2014 #78
geek tragedy Mar 2014 #79
msanthrope Mar 2014 #23
A HERETIC I AM Mar 2014 #9
adirondacker Mar 2014 #10
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #13
MindMover Mar 2014 #11
Warpy Mar 2014 #34
sabrina 1 Mar 2014 #41
Vattel Mar 2014 #83
polly7 Mar 2014 #93
7wo7rees Mar 2014 #37
Fumesucker Mar 2014 #39
Cleita Mar 2014 #40
JI7 Mar 2014 #42
Cleita Mar 2014 #46
JI7 Mar 2014 #50
Cleita Mar 2014 #86
JustAnotherGen Mar 2014 #152
blueamy66 Mar 2014 #62
giftedgirl77 Mar 2014 #89
Le Taz Hot Mar 2014 #105
JustAnotherGen Mar 2014 #151
dionysus Mar 2014 #44
Cleita Mar 2014 #48
dionysus Mar 2014 #49
R B Garr Mar 2014 #58
treestar Mar 2014 #75
edbermac Mar 2014 #51
Le Taz Hot Mar 2014 #106
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #63
theHandpuppet Mar 2014 #64
ProfessorGAC Mar 2014 #65
theHandpuppet Mar 2014 #66
Autumn Mar 2014 #67
woo me with science Mar 2014 #85
Javaman Mar 2014 #73
In_The_Wind Mar 2014 #103
Javaman Mar 2014 #116
In_The_Wind Mar 2014 #117
Javaman Mar 2014 #118
In_The_Wind Mar 2014 #119
treestar Mar 2014 #74
MissMillie Mar 2014 #80
redqueen Mar 2014 #96
cui bono Mar 2014 #156
MineralMan Mar 2014 #97
Skittles Mar 2014 #140
Lex Mar 2014 #77
Berlum Mar 2014 #82
MineralMan Mar 2014 #88
snooper2 Mar 2014 #90
MineralMan Mar 2014 #94
Waiting For Everyman Mar 2014 #95
Laura PourMeADrink Mar 2014 #99
ScreamingMeemie Mar 2014 #113
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #131
undeterred Mar 2014 #112
polly7 Mar 2014 #98
Zorra Mar 2014 #109
LanternWaste Mar 2014 #114
LineReply You’re right, “roughly the same” but some differences
Jim Lane Mar 2014 #123
MannyGoldstein Mar 2014 #130
hack89 Mar 2014 #158
Jim Lane Mar 2014 #159
hack89 Mar 2014 #160
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #169
hack89 Mar 2014 #170
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #171
hack89 Mar 2014 #172
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #173
Ohio Joe Mar 2014 #127
Warren DeMontague Mar 2014 #133
Name removed Mar 2014 #135
cherokeeprogressive Mar 2014 #149
sendero Mar 2014 #153
JustAnotherGen Mar 2014 #155
LittleBlue Mar 2014 #175
Vincardog Mar 2014 #176
WinkyDink Mar 2014 #177
Codeine Mar 2014 #178
Please login to view edit histories.