General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: Okay, no spanking. I get that but what's this dad suppose to do? [View all]enlightenment
(8,830 posts)with my son.
I also used the stop and talk method, which he tells me know (he's 34) was the best thing I could have done and he will do the same when and if he has children.
It is about reasoning and validating and all that verbiage - but mostly, it is about taking the time to seriously interact with your kid, with the assumption that they are smarter than sand fleas and capable of understanding action and consequence. For an 8-year old, who is just starting to grasp abstract concepts (like fairness), it needs to be simple and repetitive.
What I did was this: pick up or lead screaming child into another room. Sit down, with child on lap or next to me once he was too big to sit on my lap. Use whisper routine to short-circuit the screaming.
Never ask if they "feel better now" because, frankly, they don't. They just aren't screaming at the moment.
Explain that you are going to have a conversation and ask them if they understand what that means. Tell them that if they are not ready to have a conversation, they will need to go to their room or sit in a chair or on the couch (somewhere away from activity) until they feel more calm. With my son, this was generally enough to convince him a conversation would be the better option.
Never raise your voice, never use an ugly or mean tone. This really IS just a conversation.
Explain, as simply as possible, why you want to have the conversation. Explain why you believe the behavior is inappropriate. Explain what the alternative behaviors could include and why they are preferable. After each statement, ask the child if they understand and then ask them to explain what you just said to them. Give them a chance to talk - but do not allow them to deflect the conversation. If they try (with, say, a "but what about . . ." or "I want . . ." then stop them and remind them that the conversation is about their actions, not their desires - and once you have finished talking about the first, you will be happy to discuss the second.
If they start to cry, tell them - gently but firmly - to stop, because you cannot have a conversation with them if they are crying. Same thing if they try to get up or start squirming.
ALWAYS remind them that the point is the conversation. If they are pouting and don't want to respond, continue with your half of the conversation - continue to ask them if they understand - continue to ask them if they have something to say.
Somewhere in the course of the conversation, you will discover what triggered the episode. Then you'll be able to discuss it.
Remember, also (and I know this is anathema to many younger parents), that "no" isn't a dirty word. It's the opposite of "yes". If you can say yes to your child, you can say no.
I used to call this "death by boring" for my kid - because a session might take an hour . . . but he swears it was a good thing, and I guess that means it worked for him.
Maybe it will work for you and your child.
I agree with the poster up thread who said you should remove the TV from the equation at dinner. If you can be together at dinner, take the time to eat together (or at least be at the table with the kids) and turn off the box. Same goes for all electronics - no games, no phones (for anyone, parents included) - no distractions.