Okay, no spanking. I get that but what's this dad suppose to do?

[TorchTheWitch]

122. First, I don't have kids

so I can't say anything about parenting from parental experience. I can say though that I had parents who were excellent and raised six of us with all different personalities, issues, quirks, etc. I was the last one, so what I know of their parenting comes from a position of their having had 10 years of practice before I was born, however, all my other siblings behaved and learned and reacted in pretty much the same way with them.

I've had infinitely more success in training my dogs when finally approaching my relationship with them in much the same way as my parents did with us kids.... sooooo much became clear about why something wasn't working and what it was that I was doing wrong. The biggest thing is that parenting children is very similar to training a dog in that children need to be shown boundaries and that there are consequences for crossing them. Both children and dogs are most content and better behaved when they are given clear cut boundaries concerning behavior so they know what is expected and why and can reason with themselves concerning whether or not something they want is worth stepping over those boundaries because they know the consequences.

It's structure. Both children and dogs are simple minded... they need and crave structure in their life because they're lost and confused without it. Imagine it as the difference between a child within the structure of a room where they know where all the walls are, where the door is, what's in the room, etc. and the non-structure of a busy shopping mall with seemingly endless mile wide aisles, innumerable stores, innumerable sounds, and people going in every direction most of which is unknown, unknowable and changes constantly. The non-structure environment of the shopping mall is too big, too uncertain, too confusing... it's just too much. Whereas the structure of the room is simple and easy to understand without a plethora of unknowns. The room is calming and creates a sense of well-being because it is knowable whereas the busy shopping mall creates stress and confusion in all its changing and unknowableness.

A parent just like a dog owner needs to show a leader attitude. A child just like a dog needs to know intuitively that the parent is the leader, the decider, the rewarder and the disciplinarian. My parents behaved like leaders... the very way they carried themselves in both uninteresting situations as well as chaotic situations spoke volumes. Leaders don't get unduly upset or confused or exasperated. They are calm, strong and face any situation head-on immediately and decisively and follow through and in doing so are always dependable.

I can't even recall there being a time where either my mom or dad would walk into a room without the innate sense of us kids that the leader just walked into the room. They usually didn't have to do anything about poor behavior other than give a certain look. It's just an attitude of authority... I'M the mommy/daddy. To a child or a dog that attitude of authority is a COMFORT. Children and dogs NEED and CRAVE a constant authoritative figure and look for that in their parents/owner. Every time a parent or dog owner acts with authority it is reassurance to the child or dog that all is well, the leader is on the ball, I can look to them to handle problems and satisfy my needs/wants.

When boundaries aren't clearly established both kids and dogs will act out and challenge the parent/owner in order to find out where those boundaries are because they need structure to their lives, and they only become confused when the boundaries they do find by their acting out are inconsistent and/or the authority figure can't be relied on to be the authority figure in that they act too irrational, become unduly upset or unduly catatonic, etc. even if that sort of behavior of the authority figure only happens sometimes... if it happens sometimes that tells the child or dog that the leader is unreliable and can't be depended on.

None of us kids ever had these wild screaming tantrums. Ever. We'd get upset or frustrated or cry, but none of us ever had any kind of screaming fit that I've seen so many other kids do and have heard about from parents of children. And that's probably because from such an early age where we were able to even make sense of anything we already knew that our parents were dependable authority figures that gave us structure and boundaries. We already knew that screaming and kicking or throwing things wasn't going to get us anywhere, was going to produce unwanted results immediately, and because we could rely on the authority figures unquestionably we never felt the need to have a wild screaming fit. I'll always believe these wild screaming flailing fits are the result of a confused child trying to gain structure and locate boundaries they require that haven't already been instilled unquestionably by the parents.

As others have said, family dinner time at the table is important to establish structure and for the parents to show their authority. Kids learn during dinner time with the family what good behavior is and what it isn't. Allowing your daughter to eat dinner on her own at the coffee table watching tv taught her that SHE owns dinner time. It's HERS. She isn't sharing the meal with others, the coffee table while she's eating belongs to her for as long as she wants it when she wants it, and so does the tv. Stop that now.

Her refusing to do anything she's told is because whatever parenting was done or not done showed her that SHE is the authority figure and gets to decide herself is she wants to comply or not. No child ever gets to have that authority, and they only think they have it when parents drop the ball in making it absolutely clear that they don't have that authority and that the parents do. Always.

Ignoring bad behavior doesn't either make it go away or teach the child that it's not acceptable. ALL bad behavior must be addressed immediately and consistently. A child just like a dog needs to be taught that certain behavior is not acceptable and you aren't teaching them anything by ignoring it other than they can behave badly and get away with it.

No child should ever be watching more than an hour or two of tv each day. The tv is not a babysitter and teaches them nothing. Children need to learn to do other things instead of watching tv. I've never been much of a tv watcher and for many years now only own one to watch movies while I'm doing something else since I CAN'T just sit in front of the tv without doing something. As kids we were only allowed to have 2 hours a WEEK of tv time, and I'm thrilled about it. I learned to love reading, doing crafts, talking or playing with others... soooo much that had I been just sitting in front of the boob tube I never would have learned, and those hours with the tv would just have rotted my brain. Most tv time in my family was spent as a family with all of us or most of us watching something. Even now watching something on tv just isn't any fun all by myself. I can't even fathom why people find it necessary to have a gazillion different channels 24/7 anyway, and I've never had cable (the very idea of actually paying good money for tv makes my stomach churn). I grew up during a time when there were three network channels, PBS, two UHF channels, they all went dark at midnight, and you had to actually get off your ass and go to the tv to change the channel. And that's plenty especially with the absolute garbage on tv these days. TV is a plague. The more you can teach your kids not to watch it the better off they'll be.