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Fri May 19, 2017, 07:40 PM

On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences. [View all]

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"

There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.

Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.

So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."

There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.

And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.

Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)

But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.

The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.

Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?

Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.

And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.

Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.

Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.

Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.

...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)

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Reply On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences. [View all]
TheFerret May 2017 OP
Leghorn21 May 2017 #1
tblue37 May 2017 #24
Caliman73 May 2017 #2
HipChick May 2017 #3
underpants May 2017 #4
luvMIdog May 2017 #5
lindysalsagal May 2017 #6
Ptah May 2017 #7
GopherGal May 2017 #66
lindysalsagal May 2017 #68
Jacquette May 2017 #67
monmouth4 May 2017 #8
malaise May 2017 #9
dalton99a May 2017 #10
Raster May 2017 #11
Marthe48 May 2017 #16
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #12
Raster May 2017 #33
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #40
mahina May 2017 #13
spooky3 May 2017 #14
Marthe48 May 2017 #15
diane in sf May 2017 #42
yonder May 2017 #47
brer cat May 2017 #17
ismnotwasm May 2017 #18
MindPilot May 2017 #19
secondwind May 2017 #20
dixiegrrrrl May 2017 #21
tblue37 May 2017 #22
Leghorn21 May 2017 #31
First Speaker May 2017 #23
mopinko May 2017 #25
JHan May 2017 #26
Doremus May 2017 #27
MineralMan May 2017 #28
Ligyron May 2017 #29
Bernardo de La Paz May 2017 #30
joanbarnes May 2017 #32
smirkymonkey May 2017 #34
democrank May 2017 #35
CatWoman May 2017 #36
MLAA May 2017 #37
Leghorn21 May 2017 #38
pnwmom May 2017 #39
njhoneybadger May 2017 #41
Earth Bound Misfit May 2017 #43
spanone May 2017 #44
calimary May 2017 #45
Lochloosa May 2017 #46
Dem2theMax May 2017 #48
VOX May 2017 #49
SunSeeker May 2017 #50
MontanaMama May 2017 #51
Kali May 2017 #52
notdarkyet May 2017 #53
JNelson6563 May 2017 #54
KT2000 May 2017 #55
MaeScott May 2017 #56
MrScorpio May 2017 #57
iamateacher May 2017 #58
crim son May 2017 #59
mountain grammy May 2017 #60
KingCharlemagne May 2017 #61
ghostsinthemachine May 2017 #62
nolabear May 2017 #63
brush May 2017 #64
heaven05 May 2017 #65
Big_K May 2017 #69
NastyRiffraff May 2017 #70
trof May 2017 #71
niyad May 2017 #72
Iggo May 2017 #73
dooner May 2017 #74
countryjake May 2017 #75
cp May 2017 #76