Are you ready for...Tuesday Nite Madness? [View all]

[TheFerret]

Last edited Wed May 31, 2017, 12:31 AM - Edit history (1)

So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th'Post published a disturbing exposé that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President's intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n' sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you'd scarcely even notice it...

Sharty McFly returned from his Big Boy overseas trip all proud of himself for not accidentally starting a world war, for which Reince Priebus rewarded him with a lollipop, even though he lacked the stamina to walk alongside the other G7 leaders and had to chug along behind them in a golf cart groaning under the sheer orange bloat of him. (UPDATE: the golf cart was euthanized.)

Yeah, it went perfectly, even though everyone was more or less laughing in his face, and Angela Merkel was all, "Fuck these Yankee lunatics, any nation that gets duped by a ruse as Michael-Bay-stupid as Pizzagate can't be trusted, I'm the leader of the free world now, bitches, and the leader of the free world says everybody has to eat bratwurst and wear lederhosen and any other stereotypical German things that can be drudged up for cheap laughs!" (Historians note that this is the paragraph where this post became "problematic.&quot

Anyway, Team Shart is setting up a mega-rad WAR ROOM to fight back against all scandals that keep popping up because everyone is corrupt, evil, and incompetent. They're even talking about bringing back Season One cast member Corey Lewandowski, in case there are any lady reporters who need roughing up! Asking the clods who perpetrated the neverending shitshow these assclowns finds themselves floudering about it in strikes me as a bit like asking the Chicken from Moana to carve the Statue of David, but by all means...proceed. (484 anonymous sources tell me the war room will have laser tag, and a ball pit.)

Jared Kushner continues to find himself in deeper shit than he had ever imagined was possible. Nobody can even come up with a good lie to cover his Ernest Goes to the Kremlin ass, so he's finally facing down a problem Daddy's Checkbook can't solve. And if that doesn't bring a smile to your face, Resisters, I don't know what will.

Memorial Day gave us the unforgettable image of the Marmalade Shartcannon treating the national anthem at Arlington like a Fenway Park singalong of Sweet Caroline, as well as Ivanka encouraging all the plebes to make super-fun champagne popsicles, probably to take to the graves of their family members who died in the Middle East so that Rex Tillerson could sell oil rights to sanctioned banks. Champagne popsicles might not fill the enormous void left by the loss of a loved one, BUT THEY ALSO JUST MIGHT YOU'LL NEVER KNOW TILL YOU TRY, RIGHT?

Oh hey, and Chuck Woolery turned out to be kind of a low-grade Nazi, who knew, but he's doing this weird thing on twitter where he's listing people who are Jewish? Which is maybe some fun new racist game show, I guess? Also, Chuck Woolery is apparently still alive?

Didja see that thing where Pumpkin Spice Goebbels decided he wanted a Coat of Arms so as to seem all European and fancy so he just stole some other family's Coat of Arms and slapped his flabby, tiny-fingered little name across it? FLASH POLL: Pathetic thing, or the MOST pathetic thing?

Shart House Communications Director Mike Dubke became the first rat to desert the sinking ship today, because somehow everyone else thinks there's some remote possibility that all this shit works out and they all get to sail away to the Grey Havens in three and a half years. One can only assume that Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer believe that Shane lives.

Anyhow, CNN, feeling insecure about being scooped by dying media like NYT and WaPo and Teen Vogue, broke the news that Vlad and Co. threw a little party to celebrate all the influence they'd have over the current administration what with all the oligarch debts and piss hooker videos and whatnot. Sean Spicer's ulcer celebrated by expanding through his entire chest cavity.

Faced with the Republican-controlled Senate's inability to pass health care or tax reform legislation under reconciliation rules, the Candycorn Skidmark demanded an end to the filibuster, because he is a stupid, stupid man who doesn't understand one fucking thing about his job. Sources say he will eventually push for bills to pass by a vote of Tom Cotton, two sock puppets on each of Tom Cotton's hands, and Ted Cruz in hat that says "Make America Great Again Also My Dad Killed Kennedy."

Senator/Faux Maverick John McCain went down to Australia and talked about how "unsettled" he was by Donald Trump. Back home in America, Senator Ben Sasse talked about the "anxiety" he feels about the leader of his party. These two men continue to stand, proud and defiant, condemning the President with utterly useless words, while voting for his agenda nearly 100% of the time, hoping none of their constituents ever figure out the difference between Actions and Words.

Sad Lackey/Pigfucker Devin Nunes told a group of GOP donors that the whole Russia investigation was FAKE GNUS, fake like that hot Russian model who hits on you on Match.com but asks for your credit card before you can get topless pics! Sure, a whole bunch of intelligence officials have testified to the contrary, but Devin really wants a white house job to fill the hours between the sporadic fucking of pigs he gets up to.

Meanwhile, Drumpf's personal lawyer Michael Cohen has denied requests to comply with congressional investigations, setting up the inevitable round of subpoenas. After having made a career from bullying clout-less small-time contractors on behalf of his scumfuck boss, it's particularly satisfying to watch this asshole squirm. Perhaps in the near future, he'll get the opportunity to drop his signature "Says Who?" catchphrase on the cell mate who remarks that He Sure Has a Purty Mouth.

Mike Flynn decided to turn over some of the documents that've been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence committee because he is today's CUCK OF THE DAY. When you hear the special CUCK OF THE DAY prompt (Which is a spittle-drenched gamergater screeching "CUUUUUUUCK" into his Xbox live headset), be the seventh caller to win a front row seat to protest alongside fellow besweatpantsed MRA losers at an all-female screening of WONDER WOMAN.

Oh, and then AP broke the gnus that Cheeto Broderick Crawford* has been giving world leaders his personal, unsecured cell phone number so that they can call him up to talk about how Arnold sucks at hosting the Apprentice and to swap state secrets while his buddies Sergei and Sergey listen in. And you find yourself wondering, "Who is dumber, the President of the United States of America, or Some Mike and Ikes That Melted Together Because You Left Them in the Car?" And you realize that you'd probably rather be governed by the Mike and Ikes if you had a choice.

There's more, of course, There's always more. We're probably about to exit the Paris Climate Agreement, and investigators are disappearing while investigating Ivanka's sweatshops in China, and Drumpf's twitter account is adding bots like Ultron, but there's only so much madness a fellah can handle before he starts chewing on his own toes like so much jerky, so let me leave you with the always-appropriate observation that...shit be cray, people...shit be cray.

*Fuck you. YOU try making up all these nicknames every fucking week.