I am interested in reading experiences of primary caregivers of a dying parent.

[NRaleighLiberal]

10. This is hard, hard stuff. So sorry for the challenges you are experiencing.

Slightly different scenario - briefly, after my dad's stroke (10 years ago - he hung on for 2 months), my mom's life came apart - they were so close for more than 50 years. She was in RI, me in NC, my brother in FL. My brother and I did what we could from a distance - our uncle (my mom's brother) did his best, but it was tough on him. He was unrealistic in expectations on what my brother and I could provide in terms of time (we each had jobs that meant we couldn't get away for extended stretches), so the first destroyed relationship was between my uncle and me.

It was clear after a few months that my mom had to go to assisted living - coming to live with us, or with my brother, just was impractical on various levels. The options were in RI, in NC (near me), or in FL (near my brother). For whatever reason, he wanted her near him. It put an incredible burden on him and his family, made complicated in that his wife didn't much like my mother, and resented time he spent visiting her. Her misery continued there, and the more miserable she got, the more guilty my brother got, and the more angry his wife got. This went on for 7 years - she passed away finally in a nursing home three years ago.

So all different points of view - I felt I did as much as I could given my life's circumstances from here. My uncle thought it was insufficient and it killed our relationship. My brother, who wanted my mom there, ended up bitter and resentful - in his mind, I could have taken more visits - but in reality, I did my best. Our relationship suffered, and is just now coming back to what I would consider a good brother-brother relationship - but it took its toll.

I've had friends in similar situations. My wife had a similar situation with her mom, and dad, and her sister. I watched my mom be primary proximal caretaker (meaning there every moment needed), and her brother and sister "escape" - and it took a huge toll on their relationships - which also filtered down to my relationship with my cousins.

I know none of that is comforting, explains or helps what you are going through - but from what I've seen, in nearly every family, one member takes on the primary caretaker role, and it is hard work, in every way. And when there are siblings who are distant from it, it always leaves a mark that, hopefully, with time and understanding, can heal a bit.