I am interested in reading experiences of primary caregivers of a dying parent.

[Trust Buster]

39. URGENT: I know this is long but I am in desperate need of emotional support and advice

My 8 year experience of being a sole caregiver for my mother as she progressed through the dementia/Alzheimer’s decline ended in late May with her passing. I have three brothers. Two live out of state and one lives locally. I was a star in their eyes as I was forfeiting 8 prime earning years to stay at home and care for our mother. Two of the three brothers still deeply appreciate my sacrifice. But, in the eyes of my oldest brother, who lives in Florida, I magically transformed from “star” to “devil” from the very moment my mother passed in May.

This brother, because he is the oldest, also happens to be the executor of my mother’s estate. He converted to Southern Baptist/Prosperity Bible many years ago. He is an addicted FOX viewer. I think you all know where I am going with this. I never asked for a dollar from him during my care for our mother. I wouldn’t consider charging my mother a caregiver fee. I cared for her out of love and wished to preserve her financial assets, IRA’s and savings bonds, for when her Alzheimer’s reduced her to her most vulnerable period. Therefore, I lived off my savings for 8 years and was approaching being penniless at the time of my mother’s passing. All my brothers understood my deteriorating financial health.

This brother did not accept me or my mother because we would not convert to his religious and political beliefs. When I first noticed the signs of my mother’s Alzheimer’s 8 years ago, my brother and SnL visited from Florida. Instead of noticing the signs, he laughed at my mother’s limitations and embarrassed her in the process. Then, when my mother would’t respond to his political baiting, he blew up, stood aside of her chair, put a finger in my 77 year old mother’s face and chastised her for her religious and political beliefs before storming out the door. At that time my mother wanted to change the will giving the house to me and removing my oldest brother as the executor because she feared how he would treat me after her death. I have since found a written and signed testimonial in the house that my mother penned expressing her wishes that I be left with the house, the furnishings and her car but it was not witnessed by anyone. It was common knowledge between all my brothers that my mother wished to leave the house to me. In addition to caring for her during her last 8 years, I have lived and cared for her in a general sense since my father passed in 1993. I did not schedule an appointment with an attorney at that time because I did not want my brothers to think that I had coerced their mother in any way. As it turns out, my mother was wise and I should have supported her efforts 8 years ago to change her will.

My issues with this oldest brother began in April before my mother died. At that time, I had no choice but to place my mother in a nursing home for the last month and a half of her life because the Cleveland Clinic hospice nurse coming into our home believed she needed around the clock care. My brother flew up from Florida and visited my mother in the nursing home. He did not sit aside of her, nor touch her, nor feed her which was required. I did that while he sat at the end of her bed watching FOX and trying to bait me politically as I spoon fed our mother. At that time we thought that she would live months longer and the need to sign up for Medicaid after the nursing home had swallowed up her financial assets was a distinct possibility. The government exempted the house from the Medicaid drawdown because of the 2 year caregiving requirement that I had met. My brother spent that 3 day weekend in my mother’s room trying to convince me to apply her IRA’s to the nursing home care and hide the savings bonds and then sign up for Medicaid under penalty of perjury. I would be the one to do that because I was my mother’s power of attorney assignee. We all agreed that I should quit claim the house in order to take it out of the estate. My brother wanted me to hide the savings bonds from the government so that he could benefit from his $10,000 share. This would have me staring down the barrel of a potential Medicaid fraud charge. It was at that time that I realized that my brother valued $10,000 over my freedom. And this after I had already sacrificed 8 years of my life. I refused to comply with his Medicaid fraud scheme. She died before a Medicaid application was necessary.

Then, my mother passed at the end of May. My power of attorney rights extinguished and my brother’s executor rights were born. He felt it necessary to hold court on the weekend of the funeral. He demanded that I forfeit my share of the bonds in the estate in lieu of my receiving the house. My head was swirling that weekend because my conscious mind understood my mother had passed but my subconscious mind after 8 years of caregiving was having a hard time reconciling my mother’s passing. So I agreed to forfeit my share of the bonds. Then he demanded that we set a date to empty the furnishings of the house into the driveway and sell it off leaving me with four walls and a roof. To stave this off I had to pay him his inflated 1/4 share for the furnishings and the car all but leaving me broke.

Since then, he has demanded that I take out a home equity loan to pre-pay him for his share of the bonds instead of waiting for probate to close. In return he would effectively sell the executorship to me. I refused to get a loan. Now he is demanding that I cover the full cost of his estate lawyers fees and his inflated executor’s fee or he will challenge the deed to the house. He keeps using his executor priviledge to extort every dime he can get out of me with the threat of challenging the deed hanging over my head. Me and my other two brothers believe that, when he thinks that he has fleeced me of every dime, he will probably challenge the deed anyway.

It has been hard enough dealing with my mother’s passing, shutting down her affairs, the headstone work, donating her clothing all while looking for a job. Having had to live the past 4 months with the threat that I could end up homeless and penniless at the age of 57 absolutely petrifies me. I was a star in my brother’s eyes when sacrifice was required. Since the day my mother died and a small amount of money hangs in the balance, I’m now the devil. My two other brothers are not communicating with my oldest brother because they are disgusted. I don’t have that luxury because I must send him estate related materials to him as required by probate. This has been total torture. I have never dealt with such a cold hearted human being in my life. There seems to be no light at the end of this tunnel. I foolishly thought that, when my responsibilities towards my mother ended, I would be able to move on and focus on rebuilding my life. My brother will not let me do that. I am so terribly depressed and helpless. So yes LuckyCharms, I have had a little experience at this.