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Zoonart

(12,777 posts)

51. I'm just at the tail end of this experience

Thu Oct 19, 2017, 02:30 PM

Oct 2017

that has consumed the last four years of my life. I was giving care to my parents in an other state, about a two hour drive away. Dad had dementia, suffered a massive stroke and lingered in a nursing home for two and a half years. During that time I went a couple of times a week to take mom to the home and visit.
Mom was, herself a shut in, with COPD and leukemia. I took care of all of the paperwork, doctors, everything. My brother living 20 minutes away in the same state as my parents was an infrequent visitor. After Dad passed a year and a half ago, Mom began a downward health spiral involving emergency hospital stays, Rehabilitation Hospitals and, in the end, 24hr at home aides and Hospice. I took care of all of it. Mom passed September 15 and my brother and I made arrangements together. We are currently working on the estate. I don't know how tight we will be going forward. My brother and I were not very tight to begin with. We could not be more different in how we live our lives and also politically. I try to not be too angry, (anger makes me a very bad Buddhist)
as virtually everyone I know tells the same story:
One sibling always gets the responsibility of taking care of the parents.

My brother's behavior was expected. He is pretty closed down emotionally and I think he was in denial. I grabbed the reins because I wanted to see things get done. I am trying to let it go of all of it. Wish me luck as I wish you Luck too.

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Highlight:

I am interested in reading experiences of primary caregivers of a dying parent. [View all] LuckyCharms Oct 2017 OP

... Kali Oct 2017 #1

anddddd now i'm crying LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #2

it is ok to cry Kali Oct 2017 #5

thanks kali n/t LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #7

Kicking for visibility Cadfael Oct 2017 #3

She passed awhile ago and i can't get over it...thank you for responding LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #4

i have some experience. boston bean Oct 2017 #12

Not sure I can be of much help. annabanana Oct 2017 #6

Not dying but my mom is 90 and I think about these things marlakay Oct 2017 #8

My mom just passed August 18th from pneumonia stevenleser Oct 2017 #9

This is hard, hard stuff. So sorry for the challenges you are experiencing. NRaleighLiberal Oct 2017 #10

Not primary, but involved as my Dad's wife was at home with him and was a champ elfin Oct 2017 #11

Yes, most definitely fairfaxvadem Oct 2017 #13

I've been the primary caregiver of a parent for years now. W_HAMILTON Oct 2017 #14

In my family we all had our role. My sister was the leader. She and I were applegrove Oct 2017 #15

People tend to give what they can at those times. WillowTree Oct 2017 #16

I take care of my mother and father without any help from two able and wealthy siblings ... MyNameIsKhan Oct 2017 #17

I have a slow burn that I still hold in after a couple years. IADEMO2004 Oct 2017 #18

Yes I helped my mother take care of my father. I have seven siblings of which all except one lived blueinredohio Oct 2017 #19

I took care of my father in law Corgigal Oct 2017 #20

It's been 29 years. mountain grammy Oct 2017 #21

My sister accused my mother of malingering while she was on a ventilator. LeftyMom Oct 2017 #22

This has been an interesting thread and I appreciate everyone that has shared. Mediumsizedhand Oct 2017 #23

I helped with mom and was primary with my dad Awsi Dooger Oct 2017 #24

I cared for my mother for the majority of my life... Skeletor Oct 2017 #25

I took care of my father MountCleaners Oct 2017 #26

We split it JustAnotherGen Oct 2017 #27

I really cannot thank you all enough for sharing your stories here LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #28

I didn't read your post here until I'd already answered the OP chia Oct 2017 #34

Therapist - good idea - and my experience Louis1895 Oct 2017 #36

God, horrible situation . . . . hatrack Oct 2017 #38

My father handmade34 Oct 2017 #29

I had a younger brother who felt his only responsiblity was to visit our mom and give orders . . . ATL Ebony Oct 2017 #30

No siblings. I am an only child but my cousins faced many problems with their siblings. coolsandy Oct 2017 #31

Yes, and years after the passing, it's still raw chia Oct 2017 #32

My mother took care of her mother for 3 years. I helped when I could. imanamerican63 Oct 2017 #33

This message was self-deleted by its author cwydro Oct 2017 #35

Primary for my Dad, but in large measure because of geography . . . hatrack Oct 2017 #37

URGENT: I know this is long but I am in desperate need of emotional support and advice Trust Buster Oct 2017 #39

I worked in long term care for eleven years ismnotwasm Oct 2017 #40

TRUST BUSTER... LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #42

Thank you LuckyCharms. My resources are very limited w/respect to attorney fees. Trust Buster Oct 2017 #43

I would try to see what sort of legal aid might be available to you. LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #44

Thank you LuckyCharms Trust Buster Oct 2017 #54

Reading this brings many memories and thankfulness. erinlough Oct 2017 #41

LuckyCharms kpete Oct 2017 #45

Oh kpete... LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #47

My mother-in-law peggysue2 Oct 2017 #46

Isn't it something? LuckyCharms Oct 2017 #48

Sadly . . . peggysue2 Oct 2017 #49

My poor brother is shouldering 80% Duppers Oct 2017 #50

I'm just at the tail end of this experience Zoonart Oct 2017 #51

I did that. My brother split ghostsinthemachine Oct 2017 #52

I am in the same hospital ghostsinthemachine Oct 2017 #53