Kochs Approve Plan to Fire Cash from Cannon at Voters [View all]
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The billionaire Koch brothers have approved a controversial plan to shoot cash from cannons directly at voters heading into polling places on Election Day.
The plan, which Koch insiders have privately referred to as Operation Money Shot, would distribute as much as seventy million dollars in small bills in the hopes of seizing Republican control of the United States Senate next Tuesday.
While most state laws prohibit electioneering within a hundred feet of polling places, the Koch plan craftily skirts that restriction by using high-powered cash cannons, similar to the T-shirt cannons used in sports arenas, which have a range of up to a hundred and fifty feet.
According to a spokesman for the Kochs, “Under the law, corporations are considered people, and people have always had the right to fire money from cannons at other people.”
When news of Operation Money Shot reached Democratic circles several weeks ago, there were howls of protest and threats of a legal challenge, as Democratic leaders complained that firing cash directly at voters about to cast their ballots would be a subversion of the election process.
But the Supreme Court upheld the Koch brothers’ plan by a five-to-four vote on Thursday, arguing that spending money on elections was protected by the First Amendment, and that using a cannon was protected by the Second.
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