Passing of my Grandmother [View all]

[Akoto]

So, I occasionally come here for help or simply to rant about life with my disability. This is a much sadder occasion.

My grandmother, Catherine, passed away this morning at age 96. She was my last living grandparent. I was able to hurry to the nursing home despite the whole cripple thing and see her before she actually died, to say my goodbyes. It was something I hadn't been able to do with any of the others.

It's hard, because you don't want her to be gone, but it's also a blessing for her. She'd had dementia for many years and had just laid in that place, sometimes with clarity, usually out of it (particularly recently). When I saw her last night, she hadn't been awake in two days, and she just looked mummified - I have no kinder word for someone so gaunt. I couldn't stay after a while because every time she stopped breathing, I couldn't help but wonder if I was seeing the end.

Prior to the years when my disability began, my grandmother raised me for half of my youth. She had a RV and she showed me the world, insofar as the boundaries of our state go. I remember countless Wednesdays and Saturdays spent at her house, I remember her cooking, and especially her baking. When she learned she had dementia and she was starting to forget, she wrote down all of her recipes and gave them to me only. She knew I loved to bake, so that was something she wanted me to have. I remember that well.

It's a cruel thing when such a good person has to go in such a protracted, bad way. I've been rather a wreck, as you might imagine, and it's unfortunately making my chronic pain worse via tension. I think getting online and writing is cathartic, at least.

Now, I'll probably go spend money I don't have on an online game I play. It's something to just blank out on, which is greatly needed. Dwelling and prior existing depression do not make for good partners. If anyone would care to offer kind thoughts and hopes for her, I'd appreciate it. I'm not a religious person, but I'd like to think there was something good waiting for her after the bad. If you want to help me out, well, good thoughts are fine as well (or also help with my game - PM if you like, but I don't plead for it). We expect just a small graveside service early next week.

With all four of them now gone, it's a very empty feeling. The family is a lot smaller than when I was a kid, and they were all very good to me.