not doing so hot right now [View all]

[fizzgig]

i am sad and so damned lonely right now that it hurts.

my husband has been in dick mode for weeks and it's been about three weeks since he's given me so much as a hug or a peck on the cheek. i know that he is recovering from a serious illness that landed him in the hospital but he's shouting at me for asking such egregious questions as when he gets paid (he was a few weeks out from starting a new job after quitting the old one and was out of work for about five weeks) and verifying that the charge on the bank account from the junk yard was, in fact, the right amount (he said he charged six bucks and the account showed a $26 charge). he shouted at me for ten minutes last night and there was no where for me to go since we were in the car on the other side of town.

i haven't spoken to my oldest and best friend in two months because every time i'd try to talk to her or even share a giggle on fb, she'd throw a load of hate and anger in my face. she was so nasty with me when i reached out to her when her dad died that, despite my best efforts to not take it personally, i have stopped initiating communication with her and she has not even tried to talk to me since.

i am trying to not take this shit personally but none of this is my fucking fault. i have been fortunate to not have experienced much trauma in my life but i go out of my way to not be shitty to people who are just trying to say "i love you and i'm here for you."

the few friends i have in town have no time for me and neither does my good friend who lives the next state over. no one makes the effort to even shoot me a message once in awhile to ask me how i'm doing. my dad is a bit upset that i don't call as often as i used to but he never picks up the fucking phone to call me. i haven't talked to my sister but once or twice in the last couple of months.

on top of it all, the world is just making me sad right now. i'm still stuck in a bit of a hole right now and can't find joy in much of anything. we're going to a show in denver on sunday and staying the night and i'm really excited about it, but i'm also really worried that my husband is just going to keep up with his shit and ruin the night.

i just want someone to hold me while i cry and there is no one i can go to.