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Veterans

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Victor_c3

(3,557 posts)
Tue Jul 22, 2014, 07:40 AM Jul 2014

[updated] Just got released from VA psych ward yesterday [View all]

Last edited Wed Jul 23, 2014, 09:25 AM - Edit history (1)

I don't know if anyone noticed my nearly month-long absence, but I spent the last month hanging out as an inpatient in a VA psych ward and was just released yesterday afternoon.

The end of June marks several grim anniversary dates for a number of events that happened to me when I was in Iraq in 2004 and this year it pushed me too far. I slashed up my left wrist pretty bad and switched the blade in my hands to attempt to do the same to my right wrist, but my suddenly impaired left hand dropped it after a single pass on my right. Had it not been for that, I would have kept going and was planning on getting my neck next.

My wife called 911 and I ran outside and started yelling at her and the war like a maniac and bled everywhere until the cops showed up. A vision of my children in my head prompted me to grab my mangled left wrist and apply pressure in an attempt to slow the bleeding until the paramedics showed up.

Despite all this, I nearly passed out while waiting and I fully expected to die right there. There was a LOT of blood everywhere.

My wife and kids picked me up yesterday at the hospital. My kids are young and just think that I was negligent and cut myself by accident.

Anyways, I spent 2 days shy of a month at a VA psych ward getting my head back together. Today, as an outpatient, I have a number of appointments at the VA and start to attempt a recovery. I don't really know how or if suicidal ideation is something someone can really recover from or ever pop out of their mind entirely. It had been in my head for 10 years before it bubbled up enough for me to act on.

I feel (mostly) good and (mostly) optimistic right now. I'm sorry for what I did to my wife, kids, and parents, but I don't feel any guilt or remorse towards myself. Numb is the best way to describe my feelings right now. As before, images, thoughts, and regrets about the war permeate my head nearly non-stop. I have to take care of this stuff before it kills me.

Even though I'm taking the time to write all of this out, I'm really not looking for words of encouragement or support. Anyone out there who has even passing suicidal ideation needs to get this stuff addressed. As an inpatient, I met a number of other vets who were all fighting the same fight as me and I see that I'm far from being alone in this.

------- update -------

Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I was going to attempt to reply to everyone, but I got overwhelmed with the idea of doing so. However I've read every post on this thread multiple times.

As I assume most would imagine, reintegration into normal life is turning out to be both challenging and exhausting. My wife doesn't trust me to be by myself and constantly checks up on me and my oldest daughter seems both happy to see me and angry at me. Being 5 years old, I believe that doesn't fully know how to verbalize her feelings. My youngest daughter (she is 3) just looks at me and constantly hugs and kisses me and tells me how much she loves me and how happy she is to be home. As I mentioned earlier, my children don't fully know what happened. As far as they are aware, they think I cut myself being careless while cutting fruit.

Hopefully I'll be going back to work tomorrow, but that'll bring about another slew of mixed emotions and stresses. Understandably, everyone walks around on eggshells. People at work know exactly why I was away for the last month.

Anyways, I'm still trucking along and I have another appointment at the VA this afternoon. The VA has gotten a lot of bad press, but I've had nothing but good experiences with them. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house for a little bit this afternoon. I'm happy to be out of the inpatient psych ward, but I miss the people and the stability of the extremely boring routine there.

I'm lurking in the shadows for a bit, but again thanks for all of the words of encouragement and support. I've read every post her multiple times. I (mostly) feel ok right now.

Thanks,

Victor

80 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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I hope you find peace, my brother. Scuba Jul 2014 #1
+ Ed Suspicious Jul 2014 #18
Plus 1 nt MrScorpio Jul 2014 #35
Well, even if you aren't looking for them, here's some words of encouragement and support. MADem Jul 2014 #2
Sorry Scarsdale Jul 2014 #14
You might want to cut/delete this and repost it to the OP. MADem Jul 2014 #51
All the best Turbineguy Jul 2014 #3
I am glad you are better. hollysmom Jul 2014 #4
I hope you have continuing support. Jim__ Jul 2014 #5
Did something similar back in '75. Still here, thank the Gods. riqster Jul 2014 #6
Hey I'm 66 heaven05 Jul 2014 #7
I'm 66 as well Fortinbras Armstrong Jul 2014 #71
grandad was right heaven05 Jul 2014 #72
I agree with you. Fortinbras Armstrong Jul 2014 #74
I hope you keep fighting get the red out Jul 2014 #8
Glad you got help. democrank Jul 2014 #9
I have no idea what to say. scmoore120 Jul 2014 #10
I am glad the VA was able AsahinaKimi Jul 2014 #11
glad you're here to tell us... handmade34 Jul 2014 #13
Thank you for sharing. lovemydog Jul 2014 #12
Peace to you and your family.... magical thyme Jul 2014 #15
I am so glad you were able to be helped by the VA and come to realize mnhtnbb Jul 2014 #16
anniversaries are hell awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #63
You are never alone, some very kind sensitive people here, we are with you too. Stuart G Jul 2014 #17
........ daleanime Jul 2014 #19
Please, continue to share..you will help yourself and many more. mountain grammy Jul 2014 #20
Glad you are still with us. I rarely look at people's names here although I keep reminding Dustlawyer Jul 2014 #21
Sending you encouragement Sanity Claws Jul 2014 #22
Sometimes, words fail. IdaBriggs Jul 2014 #23
Wishing you joy and peace. Hugs. 840high Jul 2014 #24
PTSD lasts until it is processed. Sometimes the emotions just boil to the surface. hue Jul 2014 #25
Good for you to open up and MAN did this come at the right time for me... randys1 Jul 2014 #26
This touched me so deeply libodem Jul 2014 #27
glad you're still with us. Your experience may help others rurallib Jul 2014 #28
Thank you, Victor. Rozlee Jul 2014 #29
take care of yourself and best of luck with your treatment ! nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #30
. progressoid Jul 2014 #31
You have been to hell and almost back Sheepshank Jul 2014 #32
We walk a fine line. peace13 Jul 2014 #33
Got your back Botany Jul 2014 #34
Keep on truckin' DoBotherMe Jul 2014 #36
You are loved, remember that. I wish you peace in your heart and your mind. nt Fla Dem Jul 2014 #37
Thank you for sharing. Even this post may be the instrument that helps another go through what jwirr Jul 2014 #38
sounds like there's a big hole where Victor use to be florida08 Jul 2014 #39
Glad you're still here--I hope things turn around for you. TwilightGardener Jul 2014 #40
As a bipolar person I empathize AndreaCG Jul 2014 #41
Glad you pulled-through. Welcome back to DU. appal_jack Jul 2014 #42
I'm glad you're ok - TBF Jul 2014 #43
I wish you peace. MadrasT Jul 2014 #44
Thom Hatrmann florida08 Jul 2014 #45
Good for him...maybe it will encourage others to seek help. Lochloosa Jul 2014 #46
I visited my dad in the pysch ward when I was 14 Skittles Jul 2014 #47
your kids and your wife need you. Your parents, too. lululu Jul 2014 #48
hugs to you RainDog Jul 2014 #49
You are so not alone in your plight and I thank the stars that you came to your senses when you DocwillCuNow Jul 2014 #50
If you're on any sort of psych drugs, they will blunt your feelings Warpy Jul 2014 #52
Glad to see you back lunasun Jul 2014 #53
Glad we are able to read your words. TNNurse Jul 2014 #54
I don't pretend Coyote_Bandit Jul 2014 #55
Not just Vets but others understand also. I wish you glinda Jul 2014 #56
War War War shadowmayor Jul 2014 #57
Sounds as if you are reacting like a normal human being... nikto Jul 2014 #58
I wish you healing and peace of mind. I am glad you are here. Squinch Jul 2014 #59
((victor)) blondie58 Jul 2014 #60
I'm Not A Vet... My Dad Was... But... The Only Thing I've Ever Seen Work... For What It's Worth... WillyT Jul 2014 #61
I'm so glad that you are OK and have learned techniques to help you. Maraya1969 Jul 2014 #62
((Victor)) Iwillnevergiveup Jul 2014 #64
PTSD is forever, but you can survive it. alfredo Jul 2014 #65
Mental Health professionals do not believe that PTSD is necessicarily forever. Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #67
One still has to have reality checks from time to time. Am I reacting to the hear and now, or alfredo Jul 2014 #75
PTSD *is* the symptoms. If one no longer ever experiences the symptoms, one Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #77
I guess my issue is with the term cured. I was in remission with Crohn's, but I still had the alfredo Jul 2014 #78
OK, yeah, it is generally believed that there is no "cure" for PTSD. Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2014 #79
Thank you. We still don't know enough about the brain to cure the effects of experience. alfredo Jul 2014 #80
As a vet I have been there... KBlagburn Jul 2014 #66
Just think of all of the people who wished they had your problems urbuddha Jul 2014 #68
It is better to feel pain than feel nothing. alfredo Jul 2014 #76
One day at a time - one day at a time intaglio Jul 2014 #69
I'm thankful you're better. Does your wife have the support Ilsa Jul 2014 #70
Thank you, appreciate so much you took the time to write your experience for everyone. Sunlei Jul 2014 #73
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