Afraid Of Dying? Scientists Pinpoint Who Is Terrified Of Death And Who Isnt

[Heddi]

17. Atheist, not afraid of death

about 9 months ago, I was in a situation where I was certain that I would die, my husband would die, or the third party who was trying to get us both killed would die. My friends here who know me in real life/on facebook know the event I"m talking about.

The entire event (based on 911 transcripts) took less than 7 minutes. In my mind, and in my husband's mind, it was over 30 minutes. There was one moment in time, so clear, so clear that i can remember the way the air smelled, the way the light of the upturned lamps reflected on the walls, how the broken bathroom mirror was like a shattered disco ball, projecting and reflecting light to parts of the room that are usually dark.

I remember the struggle, looking down and realizing that if this person got control of the situation, my husband I would both be dead in a matter of seconds. It was so clear. My thought was "no no no, this is not supposed to happen this way" and every atom, every molecule in my body was set to prevent THAT from happening. I fought for my life and for my husband's life, and it's only when I was overpowered, and in the process of almost being killed, that my husband was able to take control of the situation and allow us both to walk away with very minor injuries.

I was never afraid of death. Never afraid of the end. I certainly wasn't ready to capitulate and let this asshole kill me or (worse) my husband. My fear was *dying*.

As an RN, I've seen death. It is rarely a passive event, in the middle of the night, where one is found in the morning with a peaceful and satisfied smirk, as they know something we never will, until we finally do.

No, my friends. Death is ugly. It's protracted. It's painful. It's full of tears and begging and gasps and blood and gurgles and broken ribs and we're doing everything we can and I thin we did everything we could.

I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying. Of the physical act of dying. Thanks to conservative Christians and "pro-life" religious groups, the option of physician-assisted suicide, death with dignity, is not a reality for most Americans.

No, we'll lie in that bed, slowly suffocating in our own air, drowning in our own fluids, waiting for the epinepherine and levophed and dopamine to stop coursing through our veins and allow our hearts to finally stop beating.

A year ago this Friday my mother died. She was 2 months past 60 -- far too young to have spent the last 3 years of her life slowly dying and doing whatever futile means she could to keep it at bay for one more day. But that was not to be. I got the call on Saturday night that she had coded twice, and another time before I got in Sunday afternoon. She was vented, she was medicated, but she was dead. It was my call to remove life support or hope that she came out of her anoxic brain injury, multiple flat-lines as the same person she was before. I knew that would never happen, and I knew that was literally the last thing on this earth she would ever want for herself.

In the end, it was the care and compassion of her Dr's, Nurses, and Respiratory Therapists who, despite being in one of the largest hospitals in Holy City Charleston, SC, allowed her pass quickly and with as little pain and anxiety as possible through the use of pharmaceutical intervention. I am thankful for their care. The hours she lingered before death were endless, and that is the reality of death.

No, I don't fear death. I am sad at the prospect that that is all there is, there is no afterlife and I'll never see the people I love again. I'll live on through the exchange of one energy to another, particles etc etc. But that's it.

It's the death process that I find utterly terrifying. I am only happy that my husband is an RN as well, and should the medical establishment be even further restricted in the future from allowing a peaceful passage from this earth, I know that HE knows how to...como se dice....get things done in a dignified, not suspicious way.