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In the discussion thread: Can we talk about RIP? (rant) [View all]

Response to NJCher (Original post)

Sat Aug 2, 2014, 03:30 PM

3. since you mentioned this:

"if the person has even a scintilla of aptitude, they can have some experiences with those who have crossed over"

i've been debating where to post this--i usually post things like this in the bereavement forum but...? think i'll post it here instead.

so the other night, experiencing a major low and sadness over missing my mom, i decided to have a talk with her. it was about 2:40 am and i sat down on the couch across from her apparently empty chair and cried and talked to her until after three o'clock in the morning.

i talked about how lonely i am without her, how i love her so much and miss her beyond words. i talked about how, for the last four years, i have assumed her to be the calming influence when i start losing my mind over her, and that she has been a reassuring voice in my head and because of that my perception of her has been that she is really okay with everything. and i told her it has only been lately that it has occurred to me that when i fall into my deep abyss and cry desperately for her that maybe she cries too--maybe she isn't as calm and okay as i have thought--maybe she cries sometimes when she sees me going off the deep end because her heart breaks for me.

and i told her i wonder if she's even around tonight. was the spell of her powder that i walked through each time i went up and down the hallway earlier all just in my head? because i haven't smelled that for quite awhile now. and i told her there haven't been any signs from her in a long time. i wondered aloud if she has gone off, finding better things to do than hang around here and watch me in my states of sadness. the idea that she is moving on from me and forgetting about me is so devastating i can't even begin to express it.

i told her how i would love to see her--and that there is a major irony here. because i have read that when children see ghosts it is usually an adult who tells them there is no such thing, and that can't be, etc. and when i was little and saw my great aunt, it was my mother who told me i couldn't have seen her, that she wasn't really there, etc. etc. so the irony is that the one person who i long to see so very much is the same person who might have taken that ability away from me! and if she wants me to see her, then she is probably kicking herself for what happened when i was a kid. but at that time--who knew? she was comforting me, doing her best to console me because i was so upset and scared by the experience. she was reassuring. she tried to be reasonable. she took a lot of my fear away.

i begged her for another sign. please--just to let me know. walking through clouds of her scented powder in the hallway didn't seem enough. i wanted more. please, mommy. please.

eight hours later i pull into the gas station for cigarettes. my usual two parking spaces are blocked by a truck so i pull up alongside a gas pump. i get out, go around the front of the pump and go into the store. when i come out i go around the back of the pump and i see, on the ground, by my back door, the "sign": a large, silver paperclip (signifying a running joke her and i had for several years before she died, a "sign" i have found 39 of since she has passed--plus a large blue one which i count as a sign since blue was her favorite color.) the 40th large, silver paperclip! as i reached down and picked it up i was so happy i started to cry.

so--regarding the rest in peace business: my mom might have rested a bit but overall, considering all the other signs she has given me, she has worked pretty hard, off and on, to reassure me and let me know she is still with me. and for that i am so grateful because i cannot imagine my life without her in it.

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Arrow 9 replies Author Time Post
NJCher Jul 2014 OP
get the red out Jul 2014 #1
Cleita Jul 2014 #2
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orleans Aug 2014 #3
NJCher Aug 2014 #4
orleans Aug 2014 #5
dflprincess Aug 2014 #6
orleans Aug 2014 #7
dflprincess Aug 2014 #8
orleans Aug 2014 #9
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