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Bereavement

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barbtries

(28,702 posts)
Mon Jul 19, 2021, 08:53 AM Jul 2021

My daughter died 20 years ago today. [View all]

Twenty years on. This anniversary is never fun, but it feels like a milestone I did not, at the time, think I would ever see. At the time, every minute passing by was a torture as I grappled with an intolerable fact that every cell and every thought and emotion rejected.

I wondered how to live if Bekah didn't. Twenty years on, I think I've learned and managed about as well as possible given her persistent absence. Still miss her, always will. Still feel her near me and take comfort in little signs I fancy she sends me.

"Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
That sunrise never failed us yet" - Celia Thaxter

Early on I scolded the sun for daring to rise if Bekah wasn't alive. Night after sleepless night I watched it do it anyway. I gazed at the rising sun, begging it to bring me back my girl. Just let me see her ghost. Her face. Her smile. To this day I fall out longing for a visit from her as I dream. It happens sometimes. She's different ages in these dreams. Sometimes I know she's dead, other times I don't until I wake up.

The sun did persist in rising, day in, day out, for twenty years now. It has done so again today. It feels like a milestone I must memorialize, even if I don't know how. I want to write a poem but the words elude me. I want to make a painting but my hand is shaky and I don't think I'll like what results. So here we are. Twenty years.

[link:https://www.lapdonline.org/july_2001/news_view/22911|]

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What a terrible milestone to have to mark bottomofthehill Jul 2021 #1
Thank you bottomofthehill. barbtries Jul 2021 #3
She was a beautiful young lady. Peace be with you. Fla Dem Jul 2021 #17
thank you Fla Dem barbtries Jul 2021 #36
Your love for Bekah throbs in every word of your post. Take care of yourself. She'd want that. nt Atticus Jul 2021 #2
Thank you Atticus. barbtries Jul 2021 #4
Beautiful, beautiful Bekah. MLAA Jul 2021 #14
thank you. barbtries Jul 2021 #15
I cannot imagine your pain UpInArms Jul 2021 #5
thank you UpInArms barbtries Jul 2021 #18
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss SheltieLover Jul 2021 #6
I am so sorry SheltieLover barbtries Jul 2021 #20
Ty, Barb SheltieLover Jul 2021 #23
A lovely photo, she is beautiful. Croney Jul 2021 #7
Croney, barbtries Jul 2021 #21
As did I Jilly_in_VA Jul 2021 #45
oh Jilly. barbtries Jul 2021 #51
Well Jilly_in_VA Jul 2021 #53
yes. barbtries Jul 2021 #57
the hardest thing known to womankind. mopinko Jul 2021 #8
Thank you mopinko. barbtries Jul 2021 #22
there's a meme out there about kurt vonnegut and his fave uncle. mopinko Jul 2021 #29
it does matter. barbtries Jul 2021 #39
🕯 blm Jul 2021 #9
There is no heartbreak more devastating. quaint Jul 2021 #10
so true. barbtries Jul 2021 #27
... 2naSalit Jul 2021 #11
I cannot imagine what you have and continue to go through. I am sending you love. MLAA Jul 2021 #12
I feel the love. barbtries Jul 2021 #28
May her memory be a blessing. TheRickles Jul 2021 #13
thank you TheRickles barbtries Jul 2021 #30
She was beautiful. AmBlue Jul 2021 #79
My condolences YoshidaYui Jul 2021 #16
thank you YoshidaYui barbtries Jul 2021 #31
Still in Hospital YoshidaYui Jul 2021 #34
to you as well barbtries Jul 2021 #40
So sorry for your loss. Firestorm49 Jul 2021 #19
I'm so sorry LittleGirl Jul 2021 #24
thank you LittleGirl barbtries Jul 2021 #58
What a sad and yet beautiful post malaise Jul 2021 #25
Thank you Malaise! barbtries Jul 2021 #63
How horrific. Barb. I am so sorry that she was taken from you like that. I can't imagine life Evolve Dammit Jul 2021 #26
well, here's what I think NJCher Jul 2021 #32
I agree with you. barbtries Jul 2021 #44
I'm a member of the "The Bekah Church..." too. momta Jul 2021 #56
momta, thank you barbtries Jul 2021 #69
Condolences my friend FakeNoose Jul 2021 #33
thank you FakeNoose. barbtries Jul 2021 #46
Oh dear, MuseRider Jul 2021 #35
thank you MuseRider barbtries Jul 2021 #47
I'm so sorry! GPV Jul 2021 #37
thank you GPV. barbtries Jul 2021 #49
I'm so very sorry for your loss. yardwork Jul 2021 #38
thank you yardwork. barbtries Jul 2021 #50
You honor her memory with your courage. yardwork Jul 2021 #78
Haunting... Snackshack Jul 2021 #41
yes. that's the nature of this grief. barbtries Jul 2021 #54
(((hugs))) samnsara Jul 2021 #42
Thank you so much for these lovely pictures. colorado_ufo Jul 2021 #43
I'm so glad. barbtries Jul 2021 #64
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear Bekkah. lark Jul 2021 #48
thank you lark barbtries Jul 2021 #65
I am thinking of you today MontanaMama Jul 2021 #52
thank you MontanaMama barbtries Jul 2021 #66
I am so very sorry Barbtries. lucca18 Jul 2021 #55
thank you! barbtries Jul 2021 #67
I believe what you said in your post is a poem already. llmart Jul 2021 #59
Thank you Ilmart barbtries Jul 2021 #68
What a poignant expression of a parent's grief PatSeg Jul 2021 #60
it really has. barbtries Jul 2021 #70
One of the things that really bothers me PatSeg Jul 2021 #73
I think barbtries Jul 2021 #76
I've spent many years working on our family tree PatSeg Jul 2021 #77
Losing a child is something hard to comprehend. panader0 Jul 2021 #61
thank you panader0 barbtries Jul 2021 #71
I can't imagine your pain cate94 Jul 2021 #62
I think you wrote a poem here, barbtries, and it's absolutely, poignantly beautiful. JudyM Jul 2021 #72
Thank you JudyM. barbtries Jul 2021 #75
I am so sorry that your beautiful Bekah mnhtnbb Jul 2021 #74
🕯 Duppers Jul 2021 #80
Deepest condolences for your heartbreaking loss. Dark n Stormy Knight Jul 2021 #81
Thank you for all of those wonderful pictures of your daughter. PoindexterOglethorpe Jul 2021 #82
I'm so sorry for your loss. barbtries Jul 2021 #83
No matter how it happens, it's devastating. PoindexterOglethorpe Jul 2021 #84
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