Self-delete.

[orleans]

6. some days are just so hard

so often i feel so down and low
i haven't gone through any counseling although i sure as heck needed/need it, and haven't had taken any meds for depression (in part for financial reasons and in part because of the work that i do) but who knows if it would have helped anyway.

so often i would just like to curl up and hide under the covers and cry myself to sleep.

my mom used to tell me that when her dad died she used to think: who am i going to talk to? who's going to explain things to me?

that's how i feel about losing her. i talk to her a lot. sometimes i hear her voice in my head responding, or chuckling, or making suggestions, comments, etc. i was talking to her earlier, on a major crying jag when suddenly i stopped crying ("on a dime&quot and felt comforted, good, at peace, even a bit happy. when those moments happen i believe that she's with me, talking to me, touching me and subconsciously i feel her or hear her.

i suppose not every one who loves so much goes through the pain and anguish that some of us do. i'm not sure what determines how some people are more easily able to "get over it" and "move on" than others. but for those of us who experience a prolonged grief (i'm coming up on three years) it is the most difficult thing in the world. and, at times, my heart, too, feels as if it is literally breaking. as with your dad, my mom was my best friend and the one person i could count on for anything and everything. we were together for fifty years--how do you say goodbye? you don't. you can't. at least i can't. i know i'll see her again, i know we'll be together again--it's just this time in between that is the hardest to get through.

i imagine having to cope with the way your dad left this world makes it all the more difficult. and i'm so sorry you are going through this pain. and i imagine he is sorry you are going through this as well. he sounds like a great guy and because of that his intention was never to hurt you or make you suffer. and you know that. and because you know that it makes him all the more precious to you which only makes you sadder for his passing. it's a tremendous sorrow you carry.

one of the hardest challenges in life--for you and for me--and for anyone going through the loss of a beloved--is to go through and experience everything we are going through and experiencing. of course i'd rather not--i'd rather just go back in time to when life was normal, and wonderful. but i can't. my mom always said: "you can never go back." truer words were never spoken.

it amazes me to realize how much love people are capable of feeling. not just the happy, euphoric type of love but the deep-seated, deeply rooted love we carry in our souls--love that transcends everything.

take care.