The Constant Struggle

[H2O Man]

11. That's a great question!

I hesitate to even attempt to answer it, as I doubt that I'm adequate for the task. But I'll start, with the first thing that came to mind as I read your post.

Communication is huge. I'm thinking specifically of the relationship between my youngest daughter, and my aunt and uncle. My daughter is 18. She was, of course, horrified in October of 2014, when an off-duty law enforcement officer -- in a case of "road rage" -- shot my cousin and his son. In the time since then, my daughter has been as supportive as possible for my cousin and his family.

My aunt is 84, my uncle is 87. Just as my daughter supports them, they support her. And nothing is more important than the afternoons and evenings where they talk ....about the "old days" and current events. About values and social justice.

By no coincidence, this example also involves something that I've wrote about on DU:GD for years -- the need to re-define what "family" means. My daughters have zero contact with their three living grandparents. So great aunts and great uncles have taken on those roles. Just as in the past, all my children knew both Rubin Carter as "uncle" and Chief Paul Waterman as "grandfather."

Family systems are like mobiles hanging over an infant's crib. But we shouldn't allow rigid "rules" about what constitutes "family" to define our thinking.

I apologize, as at this time, I fully recognize that my attempt to answer your wonderful question is inadequate. But I'll be coming back to this.