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DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Topics » Gender & Orientation » History of Feminism (Group) » Listen Up, Ladies: Here's... » Reply #34

Response to BainsBane (Reply #29)

Tue Aug 27, 2013, 09:29 PM

34. I think this is an exception to your point about being controlling.

 

An example from a different first date of mine: We're at dinner, she orders a glass of wine, the waiter turns to me, and I say "Nothing for me, thanks." The woman looks stricken and says, "Was that a faux pas?" I was thinking, wow, are most men or even many men that controlling? I happen to be a teetotaller so you must be also? I guess a lot of them (OK, a lot of us) are that controlling or this woman wouldn't even have thought it was a possibility. For my part, I just can't imagine acting that way.

BUT the makeup thing is different because the circumstances make clear that she's doing it to please me. It's not her independent personal choice, like whether to have wine with dinner. She's taken a guess about what will make her more attractive to me. I'm the only one who knows that she guessed wrong. To me it doesn't feel controlling to give her feedback.

I didn't want to say "You look nice" because I thought that would give her feedback the wrong way. She could reasonably conclude that I thought she looked better with makeup. Worst case, she could glop on some more next time. I look at the last image in the group posted by MADem, the "Vintage Make-up Guides" compilation of four styles, and I see four naturally attractive women who seem to be doing their best to HIDE their beauty. At least they get progressively more natural over time. I didn't want the woman I was seeing to move to the left on that scale.

The problem with your "at some point" solution is that, the longer something like that goes unmentioned, the more awkward I would feel in bringing it up.

On the other hand, I completely agree with your admonition, "Do not say I don't want you to wear make up." That would be truthful (as to my preferences) but the subject has to be handled more tactfully and respectfully than that. What I did was to bring it up either at the end of the date or on the phone when we were planning our second date (can't remember for sure). I said something like, "I noticed that you went to a lot of effort to get made up for our date, and I really appreciated it, and felt flattered that you wanted to look your best. As far as I'm concerned, though, you look great with or without makeup, so whichever way you feel more comfortable is fine with me." In other words, I lied to her, at least somewhat, because I had a definite preference, but I settled for hinting at it rather than voicing it. All worked out well as she didn't wear makeup again.

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Arrow 34 replies Author Time Post
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 OP
gollygee Aug 2013 #1
safeinOhio Aug 2013 #2
BainsBane Aug 2013 #3
redqueen Aug 2013 #6
TreasonousBastard Aug 2013 #26
redqueen Aug 2013 #31
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #32
Bay Boy Aug 2013 #4
redqueen Aug 2013 #5
Bay Boy Aug 2013 #7
seabeyond Aug 2013 #14
Bay Boy Aug 2013 #18
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #16
Bay Boy Aug 2013 #17
Bay Boy Aug 2013 #20
redqueen Aug 2013 #23
MADem Aug 2013 #8
redqueen Aug 2013 #9
MADem Aug 2013 #11
redqueen Aug 2013 #13
Tuesday Afternoon Aug 2013 #21
redqueen Aug 2013 #22
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #15
MADem Aug 2013 #19
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #10
MadrasT Aug 2013 #12
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #24
Jim Lane Aug 2013 #25
ismnotwasm Aug 2013 #28
Jim Lane Aug 2013 #33
BainsBane Aug 2013 #29
Dash87 Aug 2013 #30
LineLineLineNew Reply I think this is an exception to your point about being controlling.
Jim Lane Aug 2013 #34
BeyondGeography Aug 2013 #27
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