I want to cry about the things I wanted to do but was told I could not. At my age I have to cut my losses because physically I would be totally unable to accomplish most of this. And still...and still you hear the call to ignore your dreams and desires. "Can't you just be happy with the box I have provided for you? I know I am happy when you are in your box, isn't that all that matters? Aren't women supposed to be all about making others happy even if it means sacrificing yourself?" <---this is what I was taught and it is pretty much all that I have actually accomplished 
What a waste of a good brain, curiosity and the desire to create.
We struggle to find the good parts of ourselves at the end. I raised two wonderful sons who do not think this way and are all around good citizens. That is all I have ever accomplished, a good thing, maybe even a grand thing but it was still part of the box. I made it part of the way as a musician but hit the wall when I was told no to graduate school. Girls were a waste of time. There are no jobs for most of you, it is a mens only gig in your section. Go home, get married and have babies. THAT is a direct quote I heard many times. So many of us lost.
Redqueen, this is a very good read. Thank you for it.
I do not mean to sound morose. I am able to use this final part of my life to do some things I wanted to do and I am happy that I can, very happy about it. I will never achieve more than pleasure in the creation and maybe that is OK now but it was certainly frustrating back then.
I mourn for what could have been. Now I celebrate being healthy and alive and busy doing what I want to do after all the years of trying to figure out what was allowed out of that box.
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