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[IKScott]

Nothing terrifies Americans more than the idea of having to learn a second language... or, similarly, the idea that somebody might actually come to America and not bother to learn English. Generally speaking, Americans are linguaphobes who think that anyone speaking anything other than English must be talking about them.

Truth is, they are. And they're probably talking about how out of touch Americans are for not being capable of learning a second language.

In Europe, it's a matter of personal and national pride to speak multiple languages. The Dutch, for example, grow up speaking four languages. But most Americans think that bi-lingual signage amounts to some sort of attack on American culture. Let's face it: The fear of illegal immigration in this country isn't about Mexicans stealing jobs (that is, unless you actually work menial labor jobs for less than minimum wage). It's more about the fear of immigrants "destroying our culture" by refusing to speak English.

The cultural blinders worn by some Americans are astonishing. I once met an overweight American tourist in Europe who said to me, right in the middle of Madrid, "Madrid is nice, but I'm not sure if I like all these foreigners." The dolt. He is the foreigner! I should have replied, "Yeah, and they all speak a foreign language, too. What's up with that?"

The behavior of American tourists is, in fact, legendary among the locals in destinations around the world. The State Department has even warned Americans traveling abroad to stop being so loud, demanding and flamboyant in order to reduce their chances of getting kidnapped or just plain shot. You wouldn't know it if you've never traveled the world, but the truth is that American tourists are typically the least welcome of all. If it wasn't for their greenbacks, they wouldn't be tolerated anywhere. I'm not saying all American tourists are idiots, just enough of them to ruin it for the rest of us. (Clever Yanks now claim they're Canadian when visiting Europe, eh?)

My Yankee accent
But getting back to the English language, many Americans don't even understand that English has variations, too. I once met a Texan who spoke with a lazy Southern drawl and insisted that I had a "Yankee accent from up North." Yankees, for those of you who don't know, means anybody who lives North of Interstate 10. At least that's what this Texan told me.

I've even heard low-brow Americans, after listening to an Aussie talk, say, "They sure don't speak normal, do they?" That obtuse comment is almost always followed up with the usual American insult for Aussies or New Zealanders: "What part of England are you from?"

There is a difference, you see, between the English of Australians and, say, Londoners. Londoners try to say as little as possible using the maximum number of words, especially if Parliament is in session. Australians, on the other hand, try to pack as much meaning into the fewest words possible. Vegemite, for example, says it all.

Americans, on the other hand, aren't really certain what they're saying, but they're pretty sure everybody else should agree with it or else be bombed into submission with depleted uranium -- a weapon of mass destruction that keeps on talking for five thousand years.

Round up them immigrunts!
The entertainment never ceases when it comes to American linguaphobes. The backlash against Mexican immigrants here in Arizona is so frenzied that one local sheriff has announced he's going to round up "illegals" and fill the jails! It's only a matter of time, I figure, before speaking Spanish will be banned, and Arizona jails will be double-stacked with "criminals" who dared to ask, "Donde esta mi libertad de expresion?"

Now, I realize not all Americans are afraid of learning new languages. Doctors speak their own medical jargon based on Latin, but unfortunately the purpose of this language is to obfuscate meaning rather than impart information. Washington bureaucrats also speak their own language: Doublespeak. It's handy when you want to lie to the American public while sounding like you stand for something important. Chat room geeks also have their own language, comprised primarily of timesaving acronyms like AFK (Away From Keyboard), ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing) and GALAMOOYPBYL (Get A Life And Move Out Of Your Parents' Basement You Loser).

So there are some examples of Americans learning something other than English (Klingon, Esperanto, legalese, etc.), but by and large, most Americans would rather dive face-first into a pro-wrestler's sweaty armpit than learn a second language.

English, the perfecto language
And why not? English makes such perfect sense, doesn't it? Verb tenses aren't at all confusing: Am, were, was, has been, being, will be, hadn't, weren't, wasn't and of course my favorite, ain't. As in, "We ain't gonna give in to no gosh darn foreigners who wanna take over our heritage!"

Little do they know that English is based on European languages to begin with. Where do you think words like kindergarten, masquerade, avocado, hamburger, a la carte, pretzel, genre, souvenir, cafeteria, cigarette, embarrass and my favorite, guacamole, all come from? "Wait a minute," some reader asks. "Those are all English words!"

They are now, Einstein. But before they became English words, they were German, Spanish, French, Italian or even Latin. It's not like English was just invented out of thin air. It has roots, like a bad hair color job. Heck, even Tolkien's magical Elvish tongue in Lord of the Rings is based on Finnish. Besides, you can tell "kindergarten" is German just by observing its excessive length and percussive pronunciation. The German language, you see, was invented to use up all the paper in the world in a language-assisted deforestation campaign. That's why most German words are expanded into nine syllables, five of which are redundant.

We must eradicate Spanish from America!
I think it's time to ban all these foreign words from the English language, frankly. We should make up our own words for hamburger ("grease patty"), kindergarten ("kidjail") and cafeteria ("food depot"). Anything that even sounds French -- especially snooty French foods like souffles and anything at all with a crepe -- should be forever banished from the English language.

This also means half the gibberish on the Starbucks menu would have to be replaced with plain English. I have never in my life ordered a single thing at Starbucks, mostly because I keep forgetting to bring the translation manual. Listening to people order their daily caffeine jolt at Starbucks sounds to me like a nervous Italian auctioneer on crack. Or an asthmatic, stuttering Italian mob boss barking orders to his hit men. "Double tap tall Frankie Chino, pronto!"

Obviously, we need to pass a national law that would require retailers like Starbucks to use English, not gibberish. We've got to protect the language of the motherland!

Biological weapons for the language police
Fortunately, the U.S. Border Patrol is now hard a work on a highly infectious viral strain that's designed to slightly paralyze the tongue, making it impossible for Mexicans to roll their R's. This will make Mexicans pronounce their Spanish just like lazy Americans who think they can actually speak Spanish. "Vivo cerca de aqui" isn't supposed to sound like "Vee-vo sir-cugh day uh-key."

Unfortunately, the side effect of this virus is that is causes the legs to alternately pump in rapid fashion, such that if a Mexican happens to be facing North when this virus strikes, he will end up in Arizona, California or Texas through no fault of their own. It's sort of like sleep walking, but with a border crossing.

Let's ban non-English signage!
Here in Tucson, the Lowe's home hardware store offers dual-language signage. I think it's great, because it gives me a chance to practice Spanish while I shop. It's sort of handy seeing signs for pintura, el bano and other items in the ferreteria. But I've heard that some white people are complaining about the signs, saying they are "catering to illegals!"

How white do you have to be to complain about bilingual signage anyway? Albino white? Pale moon white-ass white? What kind of arrogant, ethnocentric backwoods cheeky American goober actually complains about dual-language signage in the first place? How does Lowe's providing signs for Spanish-speaking customers bother you at all? I suppose braille bothers you, too, and we should remove all the braille from the world so it doesn't bother all the non-braille readers. Those tiny bumps on the ATM panel are soooo annoying!
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Now, I know I'm going to hear it from the cowboys on this one. I'll get hate mail that says something along the lines of, "This is Amerca! Here in Amerca we speak Amercan, you faggit!" Which sort of proves my whole point.

A global perspective
Truth is, I don't trust anybody who doesn't speak at least a little bit of a second language. People who have never traveled outside the USA (or who have never seriously studied another culture) are the most narrow-minded people in the world. They've never seen an honest news report from the BBC. They've never read a newspaper from Canada, talked to a European about America, or spoken a single sentence to someone in a language other than English.

And they consistently believe that all other countries in the world should do things our way: All nations should have our form of government. All economies should open their markets to our junk food corporations. All global financial markets and oil trading should be done in our currency. It's all about our way of doing things: Our religions, our soft drinks, our meat-heavy diets, our medicine. Our language.

And, of course, it's all packaged in the name of "freedom." We're bringing "freedom" to the world when we make them submit, at gunpoint, to our way of life.

What a mind job.

You know why so many Americans are really afraid of learning a second language? Because it would require an admission that there's a whole world out there, beyond U.S. borders, that operates in a different way. People of other nations have their own languages, cultures, foods, religions, governments, currencies, histories and personal dreams. And that idea -- that there could possibly be people on this planet who don't want to do things OUR way -- is the most terrifying thought of all.

So rally the English police, comrads. Light the torches! Unfurl the stars and stripes! Build walls along the border! It's time to protect America by rounding up all the non-native Americans and deporting them to wherever. That, of course, would leave only the native American Indians, who once had their own language, culture, customs and religions... that is, before our white ancestors destroyed their civilization.

English, you see, is the invading language, not the indigenous tongue. If you really want to protect the true language of this land now called the United States of America, you should be speaking Hopi, Cherokee, Navajo or the tongue of another Indian tribe