Reply #48: I say you did exactly the right thing.

[skater314159]

You pointed out where his behaviour/speech was incorrect, and you stood up to him. He probably is used to using his "veteran" status as a means to gain an audience. People are probably less likely to tell him off BECAUSE he is a vet, and they feel that they should respect him - which in this case is an enabling action. He also probably feels that he is entitled to spout his garbage, and uses militaristic/conservative propaganda to feed this entitlement and to minimise anyone/anything who disagrees with him (probably using the labels "liberal", "feminist", "faggot", "commie", etc.).

It is good that you confronted him in a group, with others around, as confronting people like this by yourself will often result in a)them denying they said whatever was offensive b)them just saying you are one of those "label"s above and can't stand "the truth" or even WORSE c)the person attacking you or losing it on you (that IS a lot of anger in there, and it's looking for a way out!).

You did EXACTLY the right thing. The fact that he left shows that he didn't get what he really wanted - validation and social acceptance. Haters like him RELY on people being too "kind", "polite", or "shocked" to confront him, and in his mind he interprets this silence as affirmation and agreement - when it is usually the opposite. You established boundaries, and told him that he had crossed them.

You do have the courage to stand up to him - which you did at the party - but you also have the intelligence to recognise that you need support for what you had to go through. You've gotten that here, and from your friends IRL too... I look to your questions here as seeking support and affirmation, not "being a coward" or "talking behind someone's back".

You did a great job, and hopefully, by now all his bad vibes are gone from you. You now have a good idea of what to do the next time you confront a simliar situation, and you are now in a place where you can help others who have had to deal with his "festival of hate".

EDIT TO ADD: I think that it's good you asked for advise. Some of the hate and alientation/anomie that he feels is likely due to him not having support. If he could open up to someone (like a therapist) then he might be able to choose to give up that anger and his hate towards people... but that takes the ability to be vulnerable and weak.

People who act out of fear and hate usually fear being vulnerable... and I think that is his case... and only he can get him the help and support he needs. But THIS is the EXACT reason I think we need to make sure that ALL personell returning from Afghanistan and Iraq have "safe zones" where they can open up with others and find love and support. It will save many others mental, emotional and spiritual pain in the future.