my friend asked me last night why she isn't 'over' losing her baby 3 months ago. it broke my heart

[fizzgig]

my friend was nearly half way through her pregnancy when she lost the baby three months ago. she told me last night it was a live birth (i had thought the baby was stillborn), that she can still feel him being born, that she still dreams about it. she was so sick during her pregnancy, the original doctor didn't do an ultrasound after the baby was born and she walked around with more than a pound of tissue in her uterus for nearly three weeks. she had to have two dncs and spent three days in the hospital after the second one because she had such a terrible infection. she got a letter from the insurance company earlier this week denying coverage for the hospital stay and telling her she's responsible for the $61,000 bill.

her body has been through so much and her hormones are still out of whack. she's suffered from depression and anxiety for years, but now she's also dealing with postpartum depression and her thyroid is now overactive.

i stayed with her last night and cuddled with her while she cried. she wasn't ready to talk about it for a number of weeks after the baby died and her husband was. now she's ready to talk and he doesn't want to.

she asked me last night why she hasn't 'gotten over it' yet and when she will. i told her that i have no idea what kind of pain she is in and probably can't even imagine it, but it's not something you just 'get over' and it is likely there will always be some of that hurt there.

no one is telling her that it is ok that she is feeling the way that she is. that it's ok that she's angry and sad and hurt (although i know none of those words do her feelings justice). no one is telling her that it is ok to cry and rage and scream. and she is blaming herself for the baby's death because she wasn't as excited about the pregnancy as she thought she should be (it was not a planned pregnancy). she told me she feels like she let everyone down.

she's seeing a grief counselor but doesn't like her and wants to quit. i'm encouraging her to find a new counselor. i will listen to her and give her the best feedback i can, but i don't know that i can give her everything she needs in that area.

i worry about her, i worry about her husband and i worry about their marriage. i know i am not them, that i could not fathom what they've gone through and that i can't fix or change anything, but i want them to be ok. i am encouraging her as much as i can to stay with the counseling, to get treatment for the postpartum (another thing i know nothing about) and i'm loving her as best i can.

i don't know that i'm writing this for any other reason than i needed to get it out, but if anyone has any book or web site suggestions that i might be able to pass along, it would be appreciated.