Why we should vote for a Ham Sandwich for President

[Scott Lee]

You've all heard it by now. "I'll vote for a ham sandwich before I'll vote for (fill in the blank with you know who)!" And you all snicker. You think it's funny. Ha ha. Well I say there is a very rational, intellectual argument to be made for electing a ham sandwich running on the Democratic ticket.

Follow me here.

First off, national security. How many times have we been attacked by terrorists while a ham sandwich has been in office? Come on, be honest. Kill that Google browser window right this second. I can tell you that we've never been attacked under the watch of ham sandwich. How much safer could you feel? And while we're at it, how many secret service guys do you think it takes to guard a ham sandwich, huh?

And how about the economy. Ham sandwiches aren't known to inveigh tax breaks for the wealthy, or look down their nose at the lower economic classes. Granted, ham sandwiches don't have noses so this might be considered a silly argument, but go to the obvious; A sandwich has no compelling interest to grease the palms of it's rich buddies. Why? Well because it doesn't have any rich buddies. Nobody to "thank" for all the dirty money that got it elected. And look at it's own nature. It's a food stuff for chrissakes. Produce slabbed between two slices of another economic product, often slathered by gobs of product from the condiment industry. Doesn't that have "jobs" written all over it?

Then comes civil rights. I cannot think of anything that is more representative of the Rainbow Culture, the great society of tolerance and undestanding, than a ham sandwich. White bread. Pink meat. Red sauce. Green sauce. Yellow sauce. Red and green, or better, Black olive. A veritable cornucopia of Melting Pot America. A ham sandwich cannot be racist. Or bigotted. Or homophobic. All it can do is get eaten or go rotten. How threatening is that to the fabric of our color blind society?

We're all painfully aware of personal integrity when it comes to presidential hopefuls. Scandals have wracked and ruined many a fine person making a stab at the oval office. Now I give you the ham sandwich. Just what kind of lurid background could this thing possibly have? You could make snide little jokes about it being seen "porking" all over DC, but that's as far as it could go. How many orgies can a ham sandwich have? Are they known for running out on a prostitute before paying the bill? Do they cheat on their spouses? How many interns do you know of, who can look at a ham sandwich and say "Hey baby, how'd you like to push that olive up inside my file cabinet?" They are scandal proof. Golden. Not even Drudge could hang dirt on the squeaky clean ham sandwich.

No, I'm sorry. The facts are clear. When all is said and done, electing a ham sandwich to the office of president makes sense at this juncture in our twisted political history. They simply make the better candidate, given all of our...choices right now. So do your duty. Get out and register, and proudly stride to the polls in November. Make a difference.

The lunch stops here.