Reply #359: You've made your decision about me

[27inCali]

nothing I can do or say will change it.


I'm not even angry, just sad and emotionally worn out.

Quite a few posts ago, I told you that I loved you, I don't know if you caught that and I know that sounds weird and you probably just see it as some form of condescension, but I just had a moment where I stopped thinking about the back and forth of the argument and more about the human on the other side -you were telling me about where you were from and your age and I started thinking of a friend of mine in his 50's who grew up Gay in Florida. His parents sent him to electro-shock therapy to try to fucking fry him straight. He always ends the story with a punchline about getting a hard-on every time someone flicks a light switch, when he first told me, I tried to laugh but couldn't, I felt I was staring down into an abyss -I guess some things are so insanely painful that you have to have a kind of gallows humor about it to survive it (there are a few issues in my life I can't even joke about yet, even when I try and I don't know if that is the measure of the magnitude of that hurt or my lack of spiritual strength as a human being), but I can't even imagine what kind of fucked up relationship I would have with my family after something so absolutely fucking insane as what my friend went through, I would be the most bitter motherfucker on the face of the earth, but somehow he's this jovial, laid back guy who likes to spin records and talk music and philosophy all day.

So I guess this is it, because I just feel right now like I'm poking you with a stick and being an ass and not accomplish anything, I don't wont to be misunderstood, I want the breakthrough that gives you some relief, not just me, but if it's not going to come, then why torture ourselves misunderstanding each other over and over again?

I believe every human being experiences some profound injustice, for some it is a momentary thing that they are given a chance to outlive, for others that injustice hangs over them their whole life. You can never know by the generic indentity tags we use today like gay or straight, white or black just exactly what kind of absolute misery may be dogging someone's existence. We can never know mostly becuase people hide their hurt somewhere way inside and ignore it as much as they can, revisiting it only in occasional dreams from which they awake in a state of unbarable meloncholly, and even if we were able to dig down and find this pain in another, the price they would pay in having their shame exposed to us would be too much. I know because I am absolutely ashamed of the source of my secret pain -I've never found another human being that could put me at ease enough to allow me the comfort of purging it.. We are blind to ourselves. I have tried myself, many times to hold my soul up to the light and make a summation of all that I am, and found so many manifold and contradictory thoughts and feelings that I did not know how to count them up or capture them with the limited power of my consciousness. There is a tremendous loneliness in this. If we cannot know ourselves -then how can we ever know another? How can we even comprehend what form of pain or hope drives them if we cannot even take a decent inventory of our own most powerful motivations? All we have left is unconditional love, of ourselves, of others, even love of that pain and loneliness which tortures us, even our enemies, whether they be a painful memory or stupid, hateful souls who think somehow they can alleviate their own shame by punishing you for it.
I really don't know what else to say.