Reply #15: Thank you so much. I do eat alot of those veggies, and

[woodsprite]

I've been trying to eat alot of veggies/fruit since this cancer is estrogen driven and meat/soy are full of it.

I'm not as weepy/terror filled during the day right now. At night, it's a different story though. I drift off to sleep and I startle awake with a really panicky feeling, like falling off a ledge. Today I'm feeling exhausted. Almost fell asleep at my desk today at work, but startled awake the same way. I know that's definitely not good for me. DH is experiencing some of the same. We've been married for 20 yrs and were highschool sweethearts. He's scared of the surgery and complications, where I find the testing phase much worse than contemplating the actual surgery. I'm always afraid they'll find something that I didn't know was there.

Like I told him last night, if it was just the bleeding, I would have control to either elect the surgery or not. With this diagnosis, I feel that control has been snatched from me. I'm an Aries and I am having a hard time dealing with that. ;)

Today I had my CT scan, the first of several tests before the Apr 5th surgery. I also have appts for a mammogram, lower GI, chest x-ray, bloods, and a meeting with the gyn/onc to go over all the results. Realistically, I know they've kept a really close watch on me for the past 2 years, doing endo biopsies pretty much every 6 mo. I have a good prognosis, as long as nothing changes during the testing. It's just that unknown of what else could be wrong in there. They are taking the uterus, ovaries, tubes, and cervix, then test lymph nodes if cell invasion is 50% or more thru the uterine wall.

Before bed I try really hard to go thru the visualizations that you have all mentioned. Right now, I'm feeling like I've lost the ability to communicate at that level. I had such strength when going thru everything I did with my mother during her illnesses and passing. I was thinking maybe my mental state or exhaustion is blocking it now - either that or I'm having a hard time doing it for myself.