Re: Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists

[20score]

An email sent to me by a friend who wanted me to respond. So, here's the email followed by my response.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,

We've stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what's right. So let's just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.

So here's a model separation agreement.

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That's going to be the difficult part, but I'm sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.

We'll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOS and all of the rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and we'll let you have NBC and Hollywood.

You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won't have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.

We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place "Imagine." I'd like to teach the world to sing "Kumbaya" or "We are the world." We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J Wall

Law student and an American

Dear Conservatives, Rightists, Regressives, Fascists, Nazis and Bush Supporters,


Thank you so much for bringing up the divorce our side has been asking about for the last eight years. You’re a little late trying to do this on friendly terms, but we are feeling a bit more magnanimous than we have been for the past few years. You caught us at a good time. But, if you don’t mind, lets please expedite this process as we are trying speed up our metaphorical cruise, and we’ll move a lot faster without our metaphorical anchor.

So, here’s a counter offer:

Your side has about 20% to 25% of the population, so that’s what you should have in landmass. Should be contiguous for obvious reasons, but we’ll work that part out later as there will be some people upset no matter where we put you. (The south does come to mind for ease of logistics.) We will be glad to take the liberal judges and the ACLU along with the Constitution they understand and defend. (You do kind of fuck it up, just like you do with the Bible when you read it, so it’s better off in our hands.) We will also be glad to take Michael Moore, Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell, Hollywood and NBC. And please, take the greedy CEO’s, Palin, rednecks, all bigots and if don’t mind, right wing radio with you. Well, all propaganda if that's okay. Plus, yes, we’ll take all religions, but would prefer if you take the theocrats of all stripes. Cool?

Good.

Now here’s where it gets tricky. See, we both need cops and military. We will let you have a military, but you will have to build your own. We started this country don’t forget, along with ending slavery, child labor and Jim Crow. We ended the Great Depression, won WWII, gave women the vote and gave the world all the great comedians. You fought to keep all the bad ideas and gave us Bush; so we’ll use our upper hand even if you do mind. Now, on to the cops. Again, both sides need cops, but you can have the ones you are so quick to defend after they shoot or beat someone that hadn’t done anything wrong.

Great, let’s start today.


Sincerely,

Someone who is not going to lie about being a law student.