The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No 328

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No 328

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 328

March 10, 2008
Grandpa And The Clown Edition

John McCain and George W. Bush (1) share the top honor this week, and make individual appearances elsewhere on the list. Meanwhile, it's been a bumper week for conservative idiocy thanks to remarks by Oliver North (5), Sally Kern (8), and Steve King (9). Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

John McCain and George W. Bush

Congratulations, John McCain! You beat the odds and won the Republican nomination for president! And now here's your prize:

That's right - you get to kiss the ring of George W. Bush.

Sen. McCain visited the White House last week to accept the not-exactly-sought-after endorsement of Our Great Leader, which went something like this:

Seriously, George did everything he could to steal the limelight from McCain - joking and jumping in on reporters' questions - which you can see from the video here. Oh, and let's not forget the pre-press conference tap dance routine:

I think somebody may be having relevancy issues.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, why on earth would John McCain want to get up there and dance the funky chicken with the least popular president in recorded history? Well it's quite simple - according to White House press secretary Dana Perino, "The president is very popular within the party."

This just in...

More people say they are Democrats than said so before voting started in this year's presidential contests while the number of Republicans has remained flat, a survey showed Thursday.

(snip)

The poll showed 52 percent call themselves Democrats, up from 45 percent in an AP-Ipsos survey in mid-December. Thirty-five percent say they are Republicans, about the same as December's 37 percent.

So assuming that there still is a Republican party by November, Bush's endorsement could prove crucial.

Before their big Rose Garden schmooze-fest John and George sat down and enjoyed a meal together, and to show his respect and admiration for his former rival, Bush served hot dogs. I'm not kidding. Once this delightful meal was over it was time to get down to business, and Bush & Co. had nothing but nice things to say about John McCain.

"The president will give his full-throated endorsement to Senator McCain." -- Dana Perino

"There will be a new president, a man of character and courage, but he's not going to change when it comes to taking on the enemy." -- George W. Bush

"I'm going to be in Crawford with my feet up. He's going to be sitting in behind that desk making decisions on war and peace." -- George W. Bush

And let's not forget this kiss-of-death prediction:

"He's going to win." -- George W. Bush

Yes, Bush & Co. had nothing but nice things to say about McCain last week - most of which will look really, really good in Democratic campaign commercials later this year.

John McCain

Meanwhile, let's not lose sight of this important fact: the man who isn't going to change George W. Bush's disastrous foreign policy is a powder-keg ready to blow. Sure, he was only joking when he sang about bombing Iran, but let's face it - he was being serious. Even his fellow Republicans think he's a loon.

"I decided I didn't want this guy anywhere near a trigger." -- Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM)

"I have witnessed incidents where he has used profanity at colleagues and exploded at colleagues ... He would disagree about something and then explode. It was incidents of irrational behavior. We've all had incidents where we have gotten angry, but I've never seen anyone act like that." -- Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH)

"I think he is mentally unstable and not fit to be president." -- Rep. John LeBoutillier (R-NY)

"The thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me." -- Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS)

But don't worry - last week former GOP nominee Sen. Bob Dole revealed that McCain's got a lid on things. CNN reported that:

Dole told CNN's Larry King that his former Senate colleague "does have a ... I guess you could say temper. But I always sort of rationalized that because the poor guy had been locked up" in a tiny cell for six years. But McCain, he said, "can control it. It's not a problem anymore."

Well gee, I hope so. After all, this is that the man whom George W. Bush hopes will soon be "sitting in behind that desk making decisions on war and peace."

Or to put it another way, "sitting in behind that desk making decisions on war."

John McCain

I noted last week that John McCain had recently accepted the endorsement of megachurch leader John Hagee, despite Hagee's long history of calling the Catholic church things like, "The Great Whore" and "the anti-Christ" and "a false cult system."

It's okay though, because McCain - who had long sought Hagee's endorsement - had the perfect excuse. "I don't have to agree with everyone who endorses my candidacy. They are supporting my candidacy. I am not endorsing some of their positions," he said last week.

How convenient. Unfortuantely for McCain, that didn't let him off the giant hypocrisy hook. Last week the Huffington Post noted that during the 2000 election, the senator "delivered a 'Catholic Voter Alert' in the form of robo-calls to Catholic voters," warning them of George W. Bush's ties to the Catholic-hating Bob Jones III. The message went like this:

This is a Catholic Voter Alert. Governor George Bush has campaigned against Senator John McCain by seeking the support of Southern fundamentalists who have expressed anti-Catholic views.

Several weeks ago, Governor Bush spoke at Bob Jones University in South Carolina. Bob Jones has made strong anti-Catholic statements, including calling the Pope the anti-Christ, the Catholic Church a satanic cult!

John McCain, a pro-life senator, has strongly criticized this anti-Catholic bigotry, while Governor Bush has stayed silent while seeking the support of Bob Jones University. Because of this, one Catholic pro-life Congressman has switched his support from Bush to McCain, and many Michigan Catholics support John McCain for president.

So let's see: when George W. Bush spoke at Bob Jones University in 2000, McCain shat a brick and went after Bush so hard that Bush eventually sent a letter of apology to New York's Cardinal John O'Connor which read in part, "On reflection, I should have been more clear in disassociating myself from anti-Catholic sentiments and racial prejudice." But when John McCain actively sought and accepted the endorsement of John Hagee, he thought he could just say, "I don't have to agree with everyone who endorses my candidacy," and people would just shut up about it.

Nice double standard there, straight-talk guy.

But of course, people didn't shut up about it, and so last Friday McCain decided to do a bit of damage control, conducting an interview with the Associated Press in which he said, "We've had a dignified campaign, and I repudiate any comments that are made, including Pastor Hagee's, if they are anti-Catholic or offensive to Catholics. I sent two of my children to Catholic school. I categorically reject and repudiate any statement that was made that was anti-Catholic, both in intent and nature. I categorically reject it, and I repudiate it."

So I have to say it - well done, John McCain, for finally stepping up and rejecting Hagee's statements about Catholics.

Since you didn't reject Hagee's other statements, I'll just have to assume that you're still fine with slave sales, the idea that gays caused Hurricane Katrina, and of course, Armageddon.

Mike Huckabee

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of John McCain's victory is the fact that we now have to wave goodbye to conservative idiot extraordinaire Mike Huckabee. Unfortunately Mike's exit from the race means that he will now have to satiate hs constant craving for attention via other means.

Still, if you think the outlook is grim for Huckabee, it could be worse - what on earth is Chuck Norris going to do now? According to IMDB he's got nothing lined up, so he's probably going to have to go back to the ranch and practice one-fingered pushups or no-handed squat thrusts or whatever it is he does out there. Oh, won't somebody think of the Chuck Norris.

Just in case we don't see Mike Huckabee's smiling chipmunk cheeks for a while, I'll leave you with one last fabulous Huckabism to keep you going. The New York Post reported last week that he...

...ran into a guy he thought was Mick Jagger, but who was really his younger, less successful brother Chris Jagger, at a Miami taco stand during a stop on his campaign trail. According to politicaltabloid.com, Huckabee "couldn't believe his eyes. He approached him and said he's always loved the Rolling Stones and has almost all of their albums on vinyl," the Web site reports. "Jagger recognized him and started talking about the presidential race ... Huckabee asked Jagger if he would come to a campaign rally that night and sing with them. Jagger eagerly agreed." Later at the rally, Huckabee announced a "surprise visitor" who performed with the band. "The crowd went crazy," the site reports. Later, Huckabee was told he had been duped.

Farewell, sir. We'll miss you.

Oliver North

Since we're now only eight months away from a general election, it must be time for this story again:

Al-Qaida terrorists may be plotting more urgently to attack the United States to maintain their credibility and ability to recruit followers, the U.S. military commander in charge of domestic defense said Thursday.

And the evidence is...?

Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, chief of the U.S. Northern Command, told reporters he has not seen any direct threats tied to the U.S. presidential elections. But he said it would be imprudent to think that such threats are not there.

Well indeed. After all, despite the fact that we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here, there was a terrorist attack in New York last week - an unidentified man on a bicycle set off a bomb at the military recruiting station in Times Square. It's true.

So what I want to know is, given all the time and money Bush has spent on "homeland security" and "protecting the American people" how come they didn't see this mad bicycle bomber coming? I mean, Gen. Renuart seems pretty sure that Al Qaeda is on the march - and if we can't stop a guy on a bicycle, how are we going to stop the Islamofascist hordes?

Fortunately Oliver North has the answer. Appearing on Fox News the day after the Times Square bombing, he had this to say:

NORTH: Last month, of course, the U.S. House of Representatives at the direction of Nancy Pelosi went on vacation rather than voting on the Protect America Act, which provided for wiretapping of terrorists making phone calls into and out of the United States to foreign places.

And I note that it would have been a lot easier, perhaps, to find out who did this, or even to know that they were planning it, had we been able to intercept those communications.

Makes perfect sense. When nothing happens in Times Square, it's proof that the Bush administration's grand anti-terror plan is working. But when some random guy blows up the military recruitment station, it's Nancy Pelosi's fault.

Tell you what Ollie, why don't we just cut to the chase and put cameras and microphones into every house in America so we can arrest suspicious-looking people before they have a chance to do anything? Let's face it, if the United States were more like North Korea, we wouldn't have all these problems.

George W. Bush

Congress recently passed a law which would force U.S. intelligence services to follow United States Army Field Manual rules on the treatment of prisoners. According to the New York Times, the Manual specifically prohibits:

Forcing a prisoner to be naked, perform sexual acts or pose in a sexual manner.

Placing hoods or sacks over the head of a prisoner, and using duct tape over the eyes.

Applying beatings, electric shocks, burns or other forms of physical pain.

Waterboarding.

Using military working dogs.

Inducing hypothermia or heat injury.

Conducting mock executions.

Depriving a prisoner of necessary food, water or medical care.

Sounds pretty reasonable. After all, according to the Times, even Gen. David Get Out Of My Dreams Get Into My Car Petraeus has said, "Some may argue that we would be more effective if we sanctioned torture or other expedient methods to obtain information from the enemy. They would be wrong. Beyond the basic fact that such actions are illegal, history shows that they also are frequently neither useful nor necessary."

Wise words. Which is why nobody was surprised to learn that:

U.S. President George W. Bush on Saturday vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would have banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other controversial interrogation techniques.

Duh.

The Bush Administration

Hey, did you know that the new American embassy in Iraq has cost the U.S. taxpayer three-quarters of a billion dollars so far? It sure has! And that's money well spent, I'm sure you'll all agree. Who needs money for better education, infrastructure, and health care in the United States when we have middle-eastern countries to occupy?

And we're certainly getting our money's worth. McClatchy Newspapers reported last week that:

None of the 26 buildings in the new $740 million U.S. Embassy complex in Baghdad is ready to be occupied. Fire alarms intended to safeguard more than 1,000 U.S. government employees aren't working. Kitchens in some of the buildings are fire hazards.

A senior State Department official in December certified that embassy construction was "substantially complete," but department inspectors found "major deficiencies" at the unoccupied embassy, according to their inspection report, which Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., released Friday.

(snip)

In a blistering letter to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Waxman, who chairs the House of Representatives Oversight and Government Reform Committee, accused the State Department of withholding documents about the troubled project.

Now that may sound bad, but trust me - all we have to do is cut a few more domestic programs, hand another couple of hundred million dollars over to the contractors, and I'm sure they'll fix everything up real nice.

Sally Kern

There was shocking news last week when an Oklahoma lawmaker was caught on tape saying that "The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation; it's just a fact."

Except, for some reason it wasn't that shocking, because the lawmaker in question then did a TV interview and shrugged off the whole thing.

In an exclusive interview with News9.com Kern (R-Oklahoma City) admits it is her voice on the recording and stands by her comments. She said she's just stating the facts on what she believes.

"I'm not gay bashing, but according to God's word that is not the right kind of lifestyle," she said. "It has deadly consequences."

See, she's not gay bashing - she's just "stating the facts on what she believes." And she happens to believe that homosexuality is an urgent threat to America that must be dealt with before our nation is destroyed. What's wrong with that?

"What is wrong with me as an American exercising my free speech rights on a topic that is a very big issue today?" she said.

One of Kern's most controversial claims is that homosexuals and homosexuality is more of a threat to the United States than terrorism.

Really, Sally? Really? For real?

Maybe Ms. Kern would be more at home living in Saudia Arabia. She wouldn't be allowed to drive a car, but at least they know how to deal with the homosexual threat.

Steve King

While we're on the subject of idiot Republicans saying some of the most wrongheaded, ignorant shit you can possibly imagine, try this one on for size:

An Iowa Republican congressman said Friday that terrorists would be "dancing in the streets" if Democratic candidate Barack Obama were to win the presidency.

Rep. Steve King based his prediction on Obama's pledge to pull troops out of Iraq, his Kenyan heritage and his middle name, Hussein.

"The radical Islamists, the al-Qaida ... would be dancing in the streets in greater numbers than they did on Sept. 11 because they would declare victory in this war on terror," King said in an interview with the Daily Reporter in Spencer.

You heard him right - electing Barack Obama would be worse than 9/11.

King said his comments were not meant to demean Obama but to warn how an Obama presidency would look to the world.

"His middle name does matter," King said. "It matters because they read a meaning into that."

Honestly, I'm not even sure how to untangle this giant ball of stupid.

Perhaps I could say that Hussein is one of the most common names in the world, and "the al-Qaida" weren't exactly fans of Saddam Hussein anyway. In fact, even suggesting that "the al-Qaida" would be cheering for someone called "Hussein" is just a rehash of that old "let's tie Iraq to 9/11" bullshit that's been discredited time and again over the past five years.

Nah, that's far too logical and reasonable.

Perhaps I could suggest that Steve King's last name appears to be an homage to monarchy, the most un-American form of government imaginable, and that his tenure in Congress is undermining the Constitution.

Hmm, that's a bit more unhinged.

Alternatively, I could note that based on his last name, Steve King is clearly in cahoots with King Mohammed VI of Morocco, not to mention King Herod, King Crimson, Don King, King Kong, The King Of Queens, Larry King, Burger King, and "The King Of Pop" Michael Jackson.

Yes, that sounds sufficiently stupid.

But you know what? I think I shall settle for calling Rep. King a dumb motherfucker and leave it at that. Oh, and I shall also look forward to John McCain denouncing and rejecting Rep. King, presumably in the next day or two. Something tells me that Sen. McCain is going to have a lot of denouncing and rejecting to do over the next few months.

The National Republican Congressional Committee

And finally, with more and more people calling themselves Democrats, donating to the Democratic presidential candidates, turning out in record numbers to vote in the Democratic primaries, and even going so far as to elect a Democrat to Dennis Hastert's congressional seat last week, the Republican party is in dire straits. So what better time for this to happen:

Hundreds of thousands of dollars are missing and presumed stolen from the chief fund-raising arm of House Republicans, according to party officials who described the findings of emergency internal audits.

The financial records of the group, the National Republican Congressional Committee, may also have been falsified for several years, Republican officials said. The campaign committees of several Republican lawmakers may also have been victims of a scam that is now under criminal investigation by the F.B.I.

Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility! So who's the alleged criminal mastermind behind this scam?

The audits were ordered after the abrupt departure several weeks ago of Christopher J. Ward, who had been treasurer of the committee. Lawmakers said that Mr. Ward, who served a similar role for dozens of individual members of Congress and their political committees, is the focus of the F.B.I.'s criminal investigation.

And is there any other information about this Christopher Ward - perhaps ironically linking him to a well-known right-wing 527 organization with "Truth" in its title?

Mr. Ward had been treasurer of the national Republican committee since 2003. He had also been a partner in a private campaign consulting firm, Political Compliance Services, that gained notice in the 2004 presidential campaign because of its work on behalf of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Delicious. See you next week!

-- EarlG