The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 331

[top10]

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 331

March 31, 2008
The Surge Is Sucking Edition

This week George W. Bush (1,2) gives up all pretense that he has any clue what's going on in Iraq, John McCain (3,4,5) agrees with Osama bin Laden, and Dick Cheney (6) shrugs off 4,000 dead U.S. troops. Elsewhere, Virginia Foxx (9) wants you to be afraid, and Michelle Bachmann (10) is in bed with, er, big light bulb. Don't forget the key!



George W. Bush

All together now! One.. two... three...

The surge is working!

Yes, George W. Bush's magical, manly surge is working like a lucky charm. In November 2006 Our Great Leader watched his party's ass get spanked thanks to overwhelming anti-war sentiment. In January 2007 he decided to send more troops to Iraq. Who would have predicted that, just over a year later, those long-promised sweets and flowers would be raining down upon our troops in a benevolent tidal wave of gratitude?

I mean, just take a look at the recent headlines...

Basra fight widens rift among Shiite factions

Moqtada al-Sadr's powerful Shiite movement upped the ante Thursday in its battle with Iraqi government forces. Militiamen loyal to the young cleric refused to back down in their fight in the southern oil-rich city of Basra and his foot soldiers in Baghdad took to the streets in a show of force, calling for the resignation of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

(snip)

Violence in Basra has spread to parts of the capital and other towns and cities between Baghdad and the southern oil city. Since Wednesday, at least 60 people have been killed in violence in Hilla, 60 miles south of Baghdad.

Meanwhile...

Iran 'behind Green Zone attack'

The most senior US general in Iraq has said he has evidence that Iran was behind Sunday's bombardment of Baghdad's heavily fortified Green Zone.

Gen David Petraeus told the BBC he thought Tehran had trained, equipped and funded insurgents who fired the barrage of mortars and rockets.

And let's not forget...

U.S. Armor Forces Join Offensive In Baghdad Against Sadr Militia

U.S. forces in armored vehicles battled Mahdi Army fighters Thursday in Sadr City, the vast Shiite stronghold in eastern Baghdad, as an offensive to quell party-backed militias entered its third day. Iraqi army and police units appeared to be largely holding to the outskirts of the area as American troops took the lead in the fighting.

Several Mahdi Army commanders said they had been fighting U.S. forces for the past three days in Sadr City, engaging Humvees as well as the Strykers. By their account, an Iraqi special forces unit had entered Sadr City from another direction, backed by Americans, but otherwise the fighting had not been with Iraqis.

"If there were no Americans, there would be no fighting," said Abu Mustafa al-Thahabi, 38, a senior Mahdi Army member.

So let's see. The Shiites are fighting each other in Basra, Iranian-backed insurgents are attacking the Green Zone, and American troops are fighting Al-Sadr's militia in Baghdad.

At least it can't get any more complicated, can it?

Warlord vs. Warlord

... The fighting in Basra, which has spread to parts of Baghdad, is not a clash between good and evil or between a legitimate government and an outlaw insurgency. Rather, as Anthony Cordesman, military analyst for the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies, writes, it is "a power struggle" between rival "Shiite party mafias" for control of the oil-rich south and other Shiite sections of the country.

Both sides in this struggle are essentially militias. Both sides have ties to Iran. And as for protecting "the Iraqi people," the side backed by Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki (and by U.S. air power) has, ironically, less support - at least in many Shiite areas, including Basra - than the side that he (and we) are attacking.

Right... but that's the worst of it, surely?

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/iraq/2008-03-30-iraqnews_N.htm">Iranians help reach Iraq cease-fire

Iranian officials helped broker a cease-fire agreement Sunday between Iraq's government and radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, according to Iraqi lawmakers.

The deal could help defuse a wave of violence that had threatened recent security progress in Iraq. It also may signal the growing regional influence of Iran, a country the Bush administration accuses of providing support to terrorists in Iraq and elsewhere.

So anyway, as you can see, I was being sarcastic earlier. The truth is, there's really no way in the world that anyone in their right mind could argue that the surge is working.

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/homepage/story/31825.html">Bush: Iraq is returning to normal

President Bush, saying that "normalcy is returning back to Iraq," argued Thursday that last year's U.S. troop "surge" has improved Iraq's security to the point where political and economic progress are blossoming as well.

George W. Bush

Last week another ugly milestone was reached in Iraq as the 4,000th U.S. troop lost their life.

Thus I was not surprised to read this in the UK's Daily Express:

BUSH HUGS BUNNY AS TROOPS MOURN 4,000TH SOLDIER

George Bush larked about with a 6ft Easter Bunny yesterday… as his troops mourned their 4,000th death in Iraq.

The grim milestone was reached after four US servicemen were killed when their patrol in southern Baghdad was hit by a roadside bomb on Easter Sunday.

The President was pictured hugging the 6ft bunny at the White House as children as young as seven took over the South Lawn for the Easter egg roll, which dates back to 1878.

God grief, I thought, how awful.

And then I thought, there's got to be a photo of that somewhere.


And there was.



John McCain

Hey, remember how we discussed earlier that the surge really isn't working? Well somebody needs to wake grandpa up and tell him.

Fresh off his eighth Iraq visit, Sen. John McCain declared Monday that "we are succeeding" and said he wouldn't change course - even as the U.S. death toll rose to 4,000 and the war entered its sixth year.

And then things got... weird.

To underscore his view of the stakes in Iraq, the certain Republican presidential nominee twice referenced a recent audio tape from Osama bin Laden in which the al-Qaeda leader urged followers to join the al-Qaeda fight in Iraq and called the country "the greatest opportunity and the biggest task."

"For the first time, I have seen Osama bin Laden and General (David) Petraeus in agreement, and, that is, a central battleground in the battle against al-Qaeda is in Iraq today. And that's what bin Laden was saying and that's what General Petraeus is saying and that's what I'm saying, my friends," McCain said.

So let me get this straight. Bin Laden, Petraeus, and McCain are in total agreement on this one - Iraq is a great place to have a war. Well okay - but what about the Iraqis? And just how long can we afford to spend $340 million a day over there?

Look at this. Read this paragraph and tell me this isn't just the dumbest thing you've ever heard in your life.

"We're succeeding. I don't care what anybody says. I've seen the facts on the ground," the Arizona senator insisted a day after a roadside bomb in Baghdad killed four U.S. soldiers and rockets pounded the U.S.-protected Green Zone there, and a wave of attacks left at least 61 Iraqis dead nationwide.

Ridiculous.



John McCain

I'm sorry, did I just say that was the dumbest thing you've ever heard in your life? I take it back. Last week John McCain explained to reporters that while George W. Bush may have been associated with the surge, McCain saw the surge first. In fact, he had a thing for the surge ages ago. He loved the surge before the surge was cool.

McCain was so hot for the surge, he even told reporters last week that he had "no confidence" in Bush's previous strategy, just to rub it in.

McCAIN: I'm offering them the record of having objected strenuously to a failed strategy for nearly four years. That I argued against and fought against and said that the secretary of defense of my own party, and my own president, I had no confidence in. That's how far I went in advocating the new strategy that is succeeding.

Wow. Those are some tough words from McCain, and they'll note doubt be a hit with the public, at least until they find out he's lying through his teeth. Think Progress nailed it with this genius bit of quote hunting:

McCain told reporters yesterday he "objected strenuously to a failed strategy for nearly four years." If this were the case, why would he also praise Bush's "stay the course" message over that time?

- "I was heartened to hear the President say that we cannot cut and run in Iraq." (Press Release, 11/5/03)

- "I'm confident we're on the right course." (ABC News, 3/7/04)

- "And what the president did tonight is the most important thing. He laid out an articulate vision for victory in Iraq and why we need to stay the course." (Fox, 6/28/05)

And now for some pictures of McCain showing "no confidence" in Bush...






My friends, this is almost too easy.



John McCain

And now for a new Top 10 feature I think I'm going to call...


This week we'll focus on both foreign policy, and America's tarnished reputation. Clearly the past eight years of George W. Bush have seriously injured America's image and and standing in the world. One of Sen. McCain's first jobs as president should be to restart real diplomatic efforts, rebuild bridges with foreign powers, and begin to undo some of the damage caused by Bush.

Well, Sen. McCain just got back from a trip around Europe and the Middle East (see Idiots 330), so let's check in with the Financial Times and see what kind of impression he left...

Why we should fear a McCain presidency

It may seem incredible to say this, given past experience, but a few years from now Europe and the world could be looking back at the Bush administration with nostalgia. This possibility will arise if the US elects Senator John McCain as president in November.

Over the years the US has inserted itself into potential flashpoints in different parts of the world. The Republican party is now about to put forward a natural incendiary as the man to deal with those flashpoints.

(snip)

...Mr McCain's policies would not be so worrying were it not for his notorious quickness to fury in the face of perceived insults to himself or his country. Even Thad Cochran, a fellow Republican senator, has said: "I certainly know no other president since I've been here who's had a temperament like that."

Yikes. Right, okay, forget that then.



Dick Cheney

Two weeks ago, Dick Cheney was informed that the vast majority of Americans disagree with the war in Iraq. His response:

So?

Last week Dick Cheney was informed that the 4,000th U.S. troop had been killed in Iraq. His response:

...we are fortunate to have a group of men and women, the all-volunteer force, who voluntarily put on the uniform and go in harm's way for the rest of us.

Or in other words, hey, they volunteered, suck it up. Cheney continued, "A lot of men and women sign up because sometimes they will see developments. For example, 9/11 stimulated a lot of folks to volunteer for the military because they wanted to be involved in defending the country."

It sure did. Take Sgt. Lazaro Arocha, for example, who joined the Marines the day after 9/11.

AROCHA: These terrorists are, you know, attacking our country, you know, especially my city, you know? I was, like, holy smokes, you know, right, right in -- you know, right in the Big Apple. I was like, no way, man, that this isn't the way it's going to be.

I started hating an enemy I didn't know, you know, existed, right? I didn't know who these people were. I didn't know they had a face. I didn't know anything. I wanted to, you know, look them in the eye.

But if Sgt. Arocha didn't know who he was fighting the day he joined the Marines, Dick Cheney would soon spell it out for him.

CHENEY: If we're successful in Iraq, if we can stand up a good representative government in Iraq, that secures the region so that it never again becomes a threat to its neighbors or to the United States, so it's not pursuing weapons of mass destruction, so that it's not a safe haven for terrorists, now we will have struck a major blow right at the heart of the base, if you will, the geographic base of the terrorists who have had us under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11.

And so it was with pride in his heart that Sgt. Arocha got his chance to fight the very people who organized the 9/11 attacks.

AROCHA: I was 1st Battalion, 8th Marines. And we wound up going to Iraq twice. We went into Fallujah in November 2004. And the fighting there was -- it was very intense.

(snip)

And, sometimes, these guys that -- they're kids. You know, they're like 15, 16 years old. And you're looking at them, like, wow, you know?

You want to try your best not to have to, you know, use, you know, lethal force. You know, if it's possible, sure, you know? But, if it isn't, if it comes down to, if it's going to be him or me, then it's going to have to be -- you know?

He wanted to look into the eyes of the people who attacked his city in 2001, and three years later he was killing 15-year-olds in Iraq.

But hey, he volunteered - right Dick?

Meanwhile Cheney was spelling out exactly who was carrying the biggest load in all of this. Not the soldiers or their families, and certainly not the Iraqi people. Oh no.

"The president carries the biggest burden, obviously," Cheney said. "He's the one who has to make the decision to commit young Americans."

The Pentagon

And now for the latest news out of The Pentagon.

The US Army has suspended a huge ($300 million) contract with a munitions dealer who was supplying the Afghanistan government with decades-old ammunition from the old communist bloc and gun cartridges manufactured in China, the New York Times reported on Thursday in a lengthy investigative report.

Wow, that sounds pretty dubious. But I guess this guy must be some kind of shady international criminal mastermind if he managed to con the Pentagon like that.

The company, AEY Inc., was run by a 22-year-old man out of an anonymous office in Miami Beach, Florida, and had a vice president who was a masseur, the newspaper reported.

(snip)

AEY's president, Efraim E Diveroli, was only 18 years old when he first got the contract in 2004, the Times reported. He has received up to a billion dollars in contracts since then.

Oh. Well, it's only money. At least the Pentagon didn't, I dunno, accidentally ship nuclear warhead fuses halfway around the world and only just get them back...

The U.S. military has regained control of four non-nuclear nose cone assemblies for a Minuteman missile mistakenly sent to Taiwan in 2006, Air Force Secretary Michael W. Wynne said during a news conference here today.

(snip)

The nose cone assemblies and associated electrical parts are proximity fuses for the missiles. While not technically "triggers," a nuclear warhead atop a Minuteman would not detonate without the signal from these devices.

Preliminary information indicates that a shipment took place in response to a foreign military sales order from Taiwan for helicopter batteries, Wynne said. The Defense Logistics Agency depot at Hill Air Force Base, Utah, mistakenly shipped the fuses -- a classified system -- rather than the batteries.

Helicopter batteries, nuclear missile nose cone assemblies... easy mistake to make I guess.



Pro-Life

Move over Larry Craig - a staunch Idaho Republican has got his eye on your Senate seat, and he's got a winning strategy to take it over. Meet Pro-Life, formerly known as Marvin Richardson, who intends to send a message to Idaho voters in a most unusual way.

A Senate candidate has legally changed his name to Pro-Life and will appear on the ballot that way this year, state election officials say.

As Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, the organic strawberry farmer from Letha, 30 miles northwest of Boise, was denied the use of his middle name when he ran unsuccessfully for governor in 2006 because the state's policy bars the use of slogans on the ballot.

Now, though, officials in the Idaho secretary of state's office say they have no choice because Pro-Life is his full and only name. He says he will run for the highest state office on the ballot every two years for the rest of his life, advocating murder charges for doctors who perform abortions and for women who obtain the procedure.

Clever stuff. Unfortunately, not all anti-choice activists are thrilled with Pro-Life's candidacy.

David Ripley, executive director of Idaho Chooses Life, says he knows and respects Pro-Life but fears some voters may think Pro-Life is a position rather than a candidate and mistakenly mark their ballots both for him and for another anti-abortion candidate for the Senate, thus nullifying their choices.

"I'm pretty concerned about it," Ripley said. "I think that could cause a lot of confusion out there ... (Its) more likely to undermine the pro-life movement by having a lot of pro-life votes discounted."

Wait a minute - so David Ripley is concerned that Pro-Life's candidacy will "undermine the pro-life movement by having a lot of pro-life votes discounted." But he's not concerned that having someone who is clearly mad as a fucking hatter running for U.S. Senate under the legal name "Pro-Life" will damage the pro-life movement.

Just want to make sure I've got that straight.



Virginia Foxx

Speaking of GOP politicians with fake names, check out former porn star Rep. Virginia Foxx. What's that? She's not a porn star, it's her real name? Oh.

Anyway, last week Rep. Foxx decided to stop beating around the bush and just come right out and say why voters should cast their ballots for the GOP this fall.

Rep. Virginia Foxx says she believes God will judge people for sins of omission as well as commission, so the Banner Elk Republican had a message she couldn't keep to herself.

"You should fear for your country," Foxx told a gathering of members of the Charlotte Chamber of Commerce.

The Democratic majority in Congress has become "bolder and bolder" with tax dollars and the rules of the House, she told the business leaders at their annual Washington meeting.

"I am trying to scare you to death," she said.

Desperation much? Points for honesty I suppose, but someone should probably tell Virginia that her strategy went out with the Republican majority in 2006.



Michelle Bachmann

And finally, according to the U.S. Department of Energy, fluorescent bulbs "Last up to 10 times longer" than traditional incandescents, "use about one-fourth the energy," "produce 90% less heat, while producing more light per watt," and "save $25 to $45 over the life of the bulb." Which is why the government plans to phase out incandescent bulbs over the next 12 years.

But not so fast! Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) has other plans. According to the Associated Press:

The Minnesota Republican has introduced the "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act." The legislation would repeal the national phase-out of conventional incandescent light bulbs.

Bachmann said the government shouldn't tell people what kinds of light bulbs they can use.

Damn straight! This is America, and while people obviously shouldn't have the freedom to choose to, I dunno, marry someone of their own gender, or smoke marijuana, they have the right - no, the responsibility - to suck down as much electricity as they possibly can. After all, America is the number one consumer of electricity in the world. We're number one! We're number one! But if we stop using incandescent light bulbs, we may soon be overtaken by the Chinese. And if that happens, well, we might as well just surrender to the terrorists.

As a protest against this disgraceful un-American travesty, we hear that Rep. Bachmann intends to fill her car with leaded gasoline and drive to the local hardware store where she will pick up some CFC-producing aerosol cans of lead spray paint in order to redecorate her asbestos-lined office.

The Top 10 will return in two weeks, on April 14. See you then!

-- EarlG

[pepperbear]

1. excellent as always. thanks earl!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGdbQFFCR2E


some more conservative greatest hits!

[Initech]

2. Holy crap, is that Pro-Life guy for real?

:wow:

[Bleacher Creature]

3. That was my first reaction too

:rofl:

[eppur_se_muova]

9. If he really wants to bag the votes, he should change his name to ...

Free Blow Jobs For Everyone

Of course, it might be a little awkward having that name on his office door.

[FVZA_Colonel]

10. This may have been a practical joke, but there was a Dutch politician who ran on that very platform.

She promised, I believe, 40,000 blow jobs if she was elected.


And from what I remember, she was quite the looker.

[BuelahWitch]

25. He could do it in "text-ese"

Free Bjs 4 Evry 1 :shrug:

[Initech]

28. Now that would be a politician I would vote for!

[LTR]

12. Forget that, what about #7?

The Pentagon has forked over more than a billion dollars to a 22 year old guy running a defense contractor company out of his apartment with his masseuse. In addition to buying old Communist artillery that's over four decades old. Now, considering how Afghanistan has probably been using old Communist artillery since the 80s or so, why has it taken this long to figure this out.

Yes indeed, our tax dollars at work.

[momster]

4. Fred Fielding as Harvey

According to the WaPo, the guy in the male Easter Bunny suit is none other than White House Counsel, Fred Fielding. No word on who Mrs. Easter Bunny was, or if in fact they are really married. GWB and Mrs. GWB spent a great deal of time chatting with the Bunnys during the Easter Egg roll.

[Demeter]

18. And Here I Thought Laura Had a New Dress!

[Oldtimeralso]

5. To Quote Darth Cheney

"...we are fortunate to have a group of men and women, the all-volunteer force, who voluntarily put on the uniform and go in harm's way for the rest of us."


If our force is all-volunteer What the Hell is the STOP LOSS program?

[BobTheSubgenius]

6. Have to agree - excellent as always.

And yeah....that Right-to-Idiocy guy is as serious as a bypass. I read that story elsewhere last week.

[tomreedtoon]

7. Ever notice how DESPERATELY Bush hugs?

He hugs McCain. He hugs a big Easter Bunny. And in both, you can clearly see how he's leaning into the hug, how he seems almost desperate for that kind of contact. Do you get the feeling that one of the foundations of his problems is that his stone-cold mother refused to hug him - ever?

Parents, hug your kids. Please. Don't let your good child become a war-mongering idiot.

[celestia671]

8. I noticed that too!

He's holding onto that bunny for dear life!

[badgerpup]

11. "Harvey, don't leave me!"

Six foot pooka can't wait to get away and re-join his buddy Elwood P. Dowd...
who (unlike the Current Occupent) was a very personable and decent guy.


:kick: and recc


Hurry back, EarlG...we'll miss ya! :hi:

[VeggieTart]

16. McCain was pretty desperate, too...

He was practically throwing himself into Bush's embrace. And Bush looked a little startled...

Dear Gaia, that bunny is creepy. Did someone tart up the bunny suit from Donnie Darko?

And how much you wanna bet that Mr. Pro-Life is pro-death penalty and would kill doctors who perform abortions and the women who get them--die, slut!

[eggman61]

21. Maybe he's a plushie

I always thought McCain was the desperate hugger in that
photo. He's got his face up against GWB's chest, a blissful
smile. Creepy.

Maybe Bush seems so fond of the lady Easter Bunny because he
is a "plushie" 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plushophilia

Or maybe it's Dick in the suit.

[happygoluckytoyou]

13. IN A RELATED STORY---->

just in from the middle east, a receipt found in an abandoned cave from osama bin hidin
for a 6 foot bunny suit

[Dead_Parrot]

14. Dammit...

...a huge ($300 million) contract...run by a 22-year-old ... a vice president who was a masseur...

Only in America.

Which is why I post from NZ with such sadness... :(

[awoke_in_2003]

27. "Which is why I post from NZ with such sadness"

Don't be sad. It is my greatest dream- to win the lottery and be able to (permanently) post from New Zealand.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

15. And the most uncomfortable person in America IS

This poor soul being clung to by chimpolini

"Umm sir, this is a costume, I'm not really the Eas.... sir, you're crushing my wrist, please stop"



Thank you EarlG, enjoy the time off!

You've earned it :)

:hi: :pals: :yourock:

[DeeDeeNY]

17. The only ones crazier than McLame are the ones who will enthusiasticaly vote for him

EarlG, you provide more actual news in one humorous post than can be gotten anywhere in the mainstream media at any time.
Enjoy your well-deserved time off.

[MissMillie]

19. great work... found a typo though

In item #4:

"and they'll note doubt be a hit with the public" (probably should be "no doubt")

[unpossibles]

20. that's it. I'm changing my name to either "Free Money" or "All American"

please vote for me.

[Alter Ego]

22. Hot damn that was funny.

I especially liked the guy who changed his name to try and fool voters. Fucking lunatics, all of them.

[Kurovski]

23. K&R. (nt)

[krispos42]

24. Thank you!

Another good week, EarlG!

[Gonnuts]

26. Bachmann imo is the most exasperating

Faced with this kind of monumental stupidity even Gods wither.

It just sucks the air right out of you ... to think a person could live to adulthood, attended college, do business and socialize with titans of industry and roam corridors of power and be so unmitigatedly stupid rips depth within and freezes the very core of one's soul.

To think she spent time even thinking about this, not discarding it immediately, but rather went through all the trouble of writing it down, and THEN proposing it in a public forum without it being presented as an elaborate April Fools Joke is simply stunning.

Does Rep. Buchmann really believe what she's proposing? Is there a light-bulb factory in her district? According to her bio she started out as a Democrat working for Carter, did that have something to do with it? How many more insane people are running around playing Representative? There must be quite a few considering they didn't laugh this women out of Washington right after she proposed this tripe.

How does one expect our government to handle complex issues dealing with interactions between business, local and global environment, geopolitical dimensions effecting industry and humane rights when they apparently don't have an intellectual capacity of a luge-wrench? And what does it say about us as a people that a person with logic of a pimple claims a title as a "representative" of us?

I'm now going to load my gun ...

[Joe_Buddha]

29. Stupidity

Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain.
Friedrich Schiller

'nuff said.

[guyanakoolaid]

30. While a "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act" sounds ludicrous

And it is - there has to be an "act" for this? - it should be noted that fluorescent bulbs contain mercury. Until the benefits of the energy savings are proven to far more than outweigh the environmental cost of so much mercury seeping into the ground (how many people aren't going to throw away their bulbs when they're done?) then the government shouldn't be stepping in on either side.