The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 338

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 338

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 338

May 26, 2008
The "Are You John McCain?" Quiz Special

Are you a grouchy old fool who can't keep your positions straight from one minute to the next? Are you running for president but find yourself handicapped by poor fundraising, the public's utter hatred for your buddy the current president, and the imminent implosion of your political party? Do you find yourself committing gaffe after gaffe on the campaign trail?

If so, there's a chance that you might be John McCain. But before you start to panic, there's an easy way to find out for sure - just take our handy quiz featuring questions ripped straight from last week's headlines. Don't forget to play along at home with the cut-out-and-keep scorecard!

Question 1: Ethics

You are widely known as a political maverick who stands up to the special interests and comes down hard on lobbyists. You're planning a run for president.

Do you:

a) Make certain to live up to your public image by checking and double checking to make sure you don't have any lobbyists on the campaign payroll. After all, even if you do privately love lobbyists and special interests you don't need to shoot yourself in the foot with a rookie mistake like that.

Or:

b) Hire half of K Street. Make sure that your campaign manager and your senior adviser are lobbyists, along with the vast majority of your fundraisers and inner campaign circle. Surely the voters won't notice that you're the world's biggest hypocrite.

Disturbed by troubling connections and unflattering publicity, John McCain has just purged several prominent Washington lobbyists from his presidential campaign. Surely his intentions are laudable, but if Sen. McCain is consistent in ridding his campaign of such compromised people, he will find himself riding lonesome on the Straight Talk Express. That's because nearly all of his advisers, fundraisers and top staffers have worked on K Street, starting with his campaign manager, Rick Davis, and his senior adviser and spokesman, Charles Black. (link)

Tom Loeffler, the national finance co-chairman for Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign, resigned yesterday because of his lobbying ties, a campaign adviser said.

(snip)

Black, in particular, remains in the cross hairs of McCain's critics. Campaign Money Watch, a nonpartisan watchdog group in Washington, yesterday praised Loeffler's departure but renewed its call for Black's departure. The group has launched a Web site http://www.firethelobbyists.com to urge McCain to rid his campaign of their influence. Loeffler's lobbying for Saudi Arabia and other foreign governments was revealed over the weekend. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/18/AR2008051802212.html">link)

Question 2: Religion

You know that a large part of your political base is made up of fundamentalist Christians, and you know that it will be difficult to get them to come out and vote for you for a variety of reasons. Your best bet would be to get the endorsement of one of their leaders, so you spend months buttering up the pastor of the biggest megachurch you can get your hands on. He finally endorses you, to much cooing from the media.

Soon after the endorsement the media discovers that your friendly pastor has called the Catholic church rude names like "the apostate church" and the "great whore." He apologizes, and you waste a day or two distancing yourself from his comments.

Then you find out that the pastor also said that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as a punishment for the sin of homosexuality.

Do you:

a) Decide that enough is enough - not only is the guy a whackjob, he's a ticking timebomb and you'd better renounce him right now or it'll come back to bite you in the ass.

Or:

b) Close your eyes and cling to the vain hope that there isn't some even worse piece of audio tape out there featuring the pastor suggesting that, for example, God sent Hitler to kill the Jews in order to teach them a lesson.

McCain rejects evangelical leader over Nazi remarks

Republican John McCain Thursday faced down a fiery evangelical pastor backing his White House bid who, it was revealed, believed the Nazis did God's will by chasing Jews from Europe.

(snip)

McCain, the presumed Republican nominee for November's presidential election, issued a statement after the Huffington Post website posted audio of the 1990s remarks by Hagee.

"Obviously, I find these remarks and others deeply offensive and indefensible, and I repudiate them," he said.

"I did not know of them before Reverend Hagee's endorsement, and I feel I must reject his endorsement as well."

The website also published comments by Hagee that Adolf Hitler was a "hunter" sent by God to herd Jews to the land of Israel.

BONUS QUESTION

Do you:

a) Have a bowl of soup and reminisce about how good things were back in the old days.

Or:

b) Get really angry like the Hulk and call your wife the "c" word.

Question 3: Religion

Remember that pastor you just had to renounce? Bad news - there are two of them. The other one thinks that Islam is "the mouthpiece of a conspiracy of spiritual evil."

Do you:

a) Say "I believe there is no place for that kind of dialogue in America, the fact is that I repudiate such talk, and I reject his endorsement."

Or:

b) Say, "I believe there is no place for that kind of dialogue in America, the fact is that I repudiate such talk, and I reject his endorsement," and also add "He endorsed me, and I didn't endorse him" which makes you look like a crying child trying to get out of trouble, not to mention the fact that it's a lie anyway.

Republican White House hopeful John McCain has rejected the endorsement of a second pastor, this time for reportedly calling Islam "the mouthpiece of a conspiracy of spiritual evil."

Pastor Rod Parsley, who had thrown his support behind the Arizona senator in February, also said Islam was an "anti-Christ religion that intends through violence to conquer the world," according to ABC news.

"I believe there is no place for that kind of dialogue in America, and I believe that even though he endorsed me, and I didn't endorse him. The fact is that I repudiate such talk, and I reject his endorsement," McCain said in a statement late Thursday.

It was the second endorsement rejected by McCain on Thursday, after he earlier disavowed fiery evangelical Texas pastor, John Hagee, who said he believed the Nazis did God's will by chasing Jews from Europe. (link)

At a (February) campaign appearance in Cincinnati, McCain called Parsley "one of the truly great leaders in America, a moral compass, a spiritual guide." (link)

Question 4: Gay Marriage

A large "family values" organization believes that as president you can rid America of homosexuals, and is https://secure.afa.net/afa/activism/signpetition.asp?id=1770">calling on you to "lead the battle to protect traditional marriage." Given that you just tossed two of their heroes under the bus, it might not be a bad idea to throw them a bone. But be careful - you don't want to lose the votes of reasonable people by blatantly gay-bashing.

Do you:

a) Tell Ellen DeGeneres that "same-sex couples should be allowed to enter into legal agreements."

OR:

b) Tell Chris Matthews that you "do not believe that gay marriages should be legal." Then tell Ellen DeGeneres that "same-sex couples should be allowed to enter into legal agreements." Then hope nobody notices that where you stand on this issue seems to depend on who you're talking to at the time.

JOHN McCAIN: I believe if people want to have private ceremonies that's fine. I do not believe that gay marriages should be legal." (link)

Republican John McCain says same-sex couples should be allowed to enter into legal agreements for insurance and other purposes, but he opposes gay marriage and believes in "the unique status of marriage between and man and a woman." (link)

BONUS QUESTION

Do you:

a) Go home and put on your favorite slippers.

OR:

b) Explode into a rage and shout the "f" word at anyone within earshot.

Question 5: Reform

Your name is famously associated with a bipartisan campaign finance reform bill, and you use this fact to appeal to independent voters. But there's a problem - your campaign is running seriously low on cash, and your opponents are raising tens of millions of dollars.

Do you:

a) Stick to your principles and steel yourself for a tough fight, accept public financing limitations, and trust in the power of your ideas to defeat your opponent.

Or:

b) Throw your principles out of the window and turn to your political party for assistance in raising fat wads of cash from rich donors, further damaging your "maverick" image.

In late April, John McCain entered into an agreement with the Republican National Committee that would allow him to raise upwards of $70,000 from individual donors. The deal, then criticized by public financing advocates, allows donations in excess of $2,300 to flow directly to the RNC, which will spend the money on McCain's behalf.

While increasing the amount of funds available to McCain, it also makes the Arizona senator more beholden than ever to the Republican machine he is lauded for challenging. (link)

Question 6: Age

Let's face it - you're getting on a bit. You just released some of your medical records to the public and it turns out that you like to take Ambien, the drug that makes people get up in the middle of the night and go for a drive while fully asleep. In other words, you might be able to answer the phone at 3am, but you can't guarantee that you won't order a nuclear strike and then wake up in the morning to discover that for some reason the Middle East isn't there any more.

Do you:

a) Try to play down your age by joking about it. Give the impression that you're compos mentis and don't mind poking a bit of fun at yourself.

Or:

b) Try to play down your age, and hope to hell there aren't any old videos floating around out there in which you acknowledge that it would be a bit silly to run for president in 2008 beacuse you'd really be an old fart by then.

JOHN McCAIN, AUGUST 2000: Well, in 2004, I expect to be campaigning for the reelection of President George W. Bush, and by 2008, I think I might be ready to go down to the old soldiers home and await the cavalry charge there. (link)

Question 7: National Security

You are a veteran who was held as a POW in Vietnam, and therefore you are automatically qualified to protect America. It's time to figure out how best to exploit your national security credentials.

Do you:

a) Give a series of speeches about your foreign policy and national security plans, and make your case for why they will be more effective than the disastrous policies of the guy you're hoping to replace.

Or:

b) Demonstrate for the umpteenth time that you really don't have a clue about foreign policy. Simultaneously demonstrate your willingness to con the American people into war, just like your buddy the current president did.

At a press conference here, I just asked John McCain about why he keeps talking about Obama's alleged willingness to talk to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has no power over Iranian foreign policy, rather than Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, who does. He said that Ahmadinejad is the guy who represents Iran in international forums like the United Nations, which is a fair point. When I followed with the observation that the Supreme Leader is, uh, the Supreme Leader, McCain responded that the "average American" thinks Ahmadinejad is the boss.

Let's be clear: Iran has a very complex system of government with varying institutions, but at the top of it sits Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who essentially has only accountable to the Council of Guardians made up of clerics, many of whom are appointed by Khamenei. So, Ahmadinejad is not the leader. And as the Council on Foreign Relations explains, especially in the area of foreign policy, Ahmadinejad has very little influence.

On top of that as Klein points out, the president's job is to educate the public on questions of policy. So if the "average American" thinks that Ahmadinejad is the ultimate leader of Iran, it's up to the president to dissuade them of this notion -- not reinforce it. (link)

BONUS QUESTION

Do you:

a) Tell those damn kids to get off your lawn.

Or:

b) Send those damn kids to die in the desert.

Question 8: The Economy

Let's face it - the economy is in the crapper, and Americans want to know what you're going to do about it.

Do you:

a) Try to get past the fact that you've already said publicly that you don't know much about the economy, and start coming up with some real solutions to help the middle class and working families dig themselves out of the giant pile of shit that big corporations and your political party have dumped on them over the past eight years.

Or:

b) Give a speech in which you suggest that the reason Americans are upset about the economy is because we haven't passed a free trade agreement with Columbia.

At a speech in Florida yesterday, Sen. John McCain made a baffling pronouncement: The rising discontent in our country is not due to job losses, home foreclosures or the health care crisis, but rather the fact that we aren't passing a bad trade deal with Colombia.

(snip)

McCain: "We see this most vividly in Barack Obama's and Hillary Clinton's opposition to the free trade agreement with Colombia. The failure of Congress to take up and approve this agreement is a reminder why 80 percent of Americans think we are on the wrong track."

(snip)

What country is he living in? Maybe McCain is spending too much time listening to the lobbyists who run and fund his campaign - one top backer actually lobbies for Colombia's government. Clearly, he's not listening to the millions of working families who are unhappy about lost jobs, shuttered factories, foreclosures and rising costs. (link)

Question 9: Campaign Tactics

Your opponents have raised tens of millions of dollars on this mysterious thing called "The Internets." You have no idea how it works, but apparently it's got something to do with tubes. Anyway - your campaign advisers are telling you that it's really important to take advantage of this phenomenon.

Do you:

a) Hire a new team to kickstart your online outreach and fundraising efforts and do your best to whittle away at your opponents' advantage.

Or:

b) Just tell your supporters to spam well-known blogs and Web sites with boilerplate campaign talking points. After all, there's no way that people on "The Internets" will be smart enough to see straight through your scheme in about two seconds flat.

Wishing you could be a campaign surrogate, but don't have a national platform? Do you find blogging your own opinions tedious? Wish you could have someone tell you what to think during this political season? Well look no further than John McCain's new blog outreach!

(snip)

Now, don't worry if you've never heard of a blog, or never written a comment, or heck, even used a computer. Because not only does the campaign tell you on which blogs to comment -- Redstate for right-wingers, Daily Kos for progressives (sorry HuffPo fans, we didn't make the list) -- it will even tell you what to say! Just click on the Blog Interaction page for "Today's Talking Points." (link)

Question 10: Campaign Tactics

And finally, the president you are running to succed has failed the United States at every turn, to the point where more than 80% of Americans now believe that the country is heading in the wrong direction. Unfortunately you belong to the same political party as this jackass, and have loudly announced your strong support for him on many, many occasions.

Do you:

a) Do your best to pivot away from him, disassociate yourself from his failed policies, and above all else, keep him the heck away from you for the remainder of the campaign.

Or:

b) Invite him to help you fundraise at a giant convention center in your home state, then suffer public humiliation when terrible ticket sales force you to cancel the event and move it to a much smaller "private venue."

A Tuesday fundraiser headlined by President Bush for U.S. Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign is being moved out of the Phoenix Convention Center.

Sources familiar with the situation said the Bush-McCain event was not selling enough tickets to fill the Convention Center space, and that there were concerns about more anti-war protesters showing up outside the venue than attending the fundraiser inside. (link)

BONUS QUESTION

Do you:

a) Just give up now.

Or:

b) Still think that this is going to get you elected:

FINAL SCORE

Mostly a): You're no fool.

Mostly b): You're John McCain.

See you next week!

-- EarlG